Friday, June 8

Jose's Back... Back Again...

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. A lot of you (note: none of you) have been wondering where the KEYS have been for the last two days. After all, they were game days, it was a weekday, where the hell was Jose? Well, Jose figured that if the Red Sox bats could take a few days off, there is no reason that Jose couldn’t take a few days off as well. And Jose only skipped two days, unlike the four day break for the bats.

The other motivating factor for Jose’s break was fatigue. Jose was not really planning on staying up for all of those west coast games. In fact, he was pretty firmly committed to going to sleep at a reasonable hour. So he followed a carefully proscribed ritual.

10:00: Turn on game.
10:01: Curse out Julio Lugo for grounding to second.
10:30: Go get popsicles.
10:35: Go get more popsicles.
10:50: Curse out Julio Lugo for grounding to second.
11:00: Wonder who killed Manny Ramirez and replaced him with weak hitting doppelganger.
11:01: Flip to Cartoon Network to see which episode of Futurama is on.
11:02: Conclude Futurama episode has nothing to do with blurnsball, and flip back to game.
11:20: Get craving for Chef Boyardee Ravioli
11:21: Fight off craving with more popsicles.
11:25: Pop into Sons of Sam Horn game thread to post expletive.
11:35: Yawn.
11:50: Curse out Julio Lugo for grounding to second.
12:00: Go to bed.
12:01: Turn on radio
12:02: Switch back on forth between WEEI and WRKO to find game.
12:03: Curse Glenn Geffner
12:04: Close eyes.
12:05-end of game: Lay there eyes closed in horror as Sox fail to score against: Dan Haren, Lenny DiNardo, Joe Kennedy, Kiko Calero, other guys who suck.(Note: Yes, Jose knows Haren does not suck.)
After game: Fall asleep angry.

So Jose would wake up tired, angry and pretty much completely unable and unwilling to write a KEYS.

2. This is interesting. You probably didn’t know, but it turns out that Curt Euro had a no hitter through 8 2/3 last night. Really. Don’t feel bad about not knowing, there no way you could have. After all, no one brought it up. Jose got home during the eighth after a long day in Brockton and sat down to watch the game, and the announcers were all like “Curt is pitching well. He’s pitching really, really well.

“Duh, he’s got a one nothing lead in the eighth, of course he’s pitching well,” Jose thought to himself. It’s really bad commentary to just say ‘he’s [pitching well over and over again.’”

Obviously Jose figured it out when Shannon Stewart hit a two out single in the ninth, and Orsillo mentioned that it was Oakland’s first hit of the day, but before then, there was absolutely no mention that there was a no hitter going. It was strange. A no hitter’s pretty special right? Wouldn’t you think the announcers would say something like “Curt Euro has a no hitter through seven which puts him a mere six outs away from a remarkable feat.” But no they said nothing. It’s awfully unprofessional if you ask Jose.

And Jose kind of wonders if Curt even knew? He was just sitting there alone on the bench, no one even talking to him. He must have been lonely. Jose knows he’s not the best liked guy in the clubhouse, but it isn’t right for them to ostracize him like that. Besides don’t you think he’d like to know that he had a no hitter in progress?

The way every one was tiptoeing around it you’d almost thing there was a curse or something. But obviously no one believes in that stuff. The more logical explanation is that Remy and Orsillo are bad announcers and the Red Sox are all jerks who hate Curt Euro.

3. This weekend, Jose is going to see the Boston regional of the U.S. Air Guitar championships. Basically, guys dress up like rock stars, take to the stage and pretend to plan imaginary guitars. Jose knows this sounds absurd, but before you get all judgmental, and call it “Stupid” or “Crazy” keep in mind that the Red Sox have been pretending to swing imaginary bats all week and no one’s said boo.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

No comments: