This Is Not A Test

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME


1. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP

THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE EMERGENCY BLOGING SYSTEM. PLEASE REMAIN INDOORS FOR YOUR SAFETY. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, BECAUSE THE SKY IS FALLING.

THE YANKEES HAVE CLIMBED TO 9.5 GAMES BEHIND THE RED SOX AND ARE NOW ONLY ONE GAME BELOW .500. CLEARLY, THIS IS 1978 ALL OVER AGAIN, AND WE EXPECT THAT BIBLICAL PLAGUES WILL BE ARRIVING ANY MOMENT, FROGS, BOILS, CATTLE DISEASE, DON ZIMMER, ALL OF THEM.

PLEASE REMAIN INDOORS UNTIL THE YANKEES ARE NOT BEATING UP ON THE TWO WORST OFFENSES IN BASEBALL AND EVERYONE NOTICES THAT THEY ARE STILL A BAD TEAM WITH MEDIOCRE STARTING PITCHING AND AN AWFUL OVERTAXED BULLPEN.

PLEASE REFRESH YOUR BROWSER EVEY FIVE MINUTES AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

2. With former Maine Senator George Mitchell leading baseball’s performance enhancing drugs investigation, Jose has to ask the question: Is this going to become a trend? Is Major League Baseball, ever time there is a scandal, an imbroglio or a catastrophe, going to get a former or current Senator to take charge of getting at the truth?

It makes sense, actually, as there is little Senators do better than offer unenforceable recommendations. And why would you go with Senators rather than Congressmen? Simply, the Senate, with its venerable tradition of delaying maneuvers, filibusters, holds and the like, is far more attuned to the game of baseball, with its stepping out of the batters boxes and conferences on the mound. Congressman, who like to conduct votes on actual policy issues rather than holding votes on whether to hold votes on policy issues, just wouldn’t get the nuance of the game, it’s elegant lethargy.

Thus, Jose offers a few humble suggestions for Senators current and former who could investigate some of the most pressing issues facing the game.

Assignment: Investigate the drunk driving death of Cardinals reliever Josh Hancock, reassess Major League policy on alcohol.
Chair: Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA)
Rationale: Expert on drunk driving, resulting deaths

Assignment: Run committee on family values, dealing with adultery and sexual misconduct on Major League teams.
Chair: Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY)
Rationale: Duh.

Assignment: Lead investigation excessive contracts for low value players.
Chair: Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK)
Rationale: $200 million bridge to nowhere still a better investment than contracts for Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Kei Igawa, DJ Dru, Julio Lugo and others.

Assignment: Lead investigation of crying in baseball
Chair: Sen. Ed Muskie (D-ME) Retired, Deceased
Rationale: Expert of impact of crying on performance.

Assignment: Lead committee on race in baseball.
Chair: Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS)
Rationale: Understands historical importance of Negro leagues, long time advocate of restoring them.

Assignment: Design more equitable revenue sharing system.
Chair: Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-VT)
Rational: Only socialist in Senate, likes redistribution of wealth.

Assignment: Lead committee on free agency
Chair: Sen. Joe Liebermann (D-CT)
Rationale: Expert on switching teams, betrayal.

Assignment: Lead Committee to honor Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown
Chair: Sen. John Tester (D-MT)
Rationale: Jealous of Brown’s third finger.

Assignment: Lead Committee on Keeping Baseball America’s Pastime
Chair: Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
Rationale: Committed to keeping out immigrants who take jobs from hard working American pitchers and batters, keeping reggaeton out of clubhouses.

3. For all of those saddened by the Red Sox recent decision to designate for assignment left-handed reliever J.C. Romero, Jose says fear not. Jose has done some careful calculating and computation, and he is pretty sure that today, the third day after he was DFA’d, J.C. will rise and resume his place on the Major League roster. And even if he doesn’t, Jose figures we can, at the bare minimum spent the next 2000 or so years waiting for J.C. to return and save all the Red Sox bullpen. It’s really the least we can do. Remember J.C. was DFA’s for the sins of the whole bullpen… well, for that and his inability to throw strikes, but we owe him at least a couple millennia of fidelity for that.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.