Thursday, June 14

You might feel a slight sting. That's pride fu**ing with you.

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. One would not expect to find much to be proud of in a 12-2 drubbing at the hands of the Josh Fogg and the Colorado Rockies. Jose would have been happier if the Sox had been shut down by “The Velvet Fog” Mel Torme, and yet Jose has left few games with a greater feeling of pride.

There are two kinds of pride, three if you count PRIDE fighting. Jose is quite familiar with feeling the first kind as he struts down Yawkey after a victory. It’s the kind of pride that comes from seeing a foe vanquished by one’s champion. The second kind is more elusive, both in life and in the old park in the Fenway. It is the kind of pride that emerges from seeing a friend or ally stand up for someone weaker, from witnessing an act of right in the face of, perhaps not might, by at least general jerkiness. No, Jose is not talking about Tito’s selfless defense of the increasingly indefensible Julio Lugo, but rather about the actions of one Sam Melendez.

As the margin in last night’s contest swelled from large to insurmountable, one particularly loudmouthed fan, who looked for all the world like a drunken law student, began to seek refuge in harassing a visiting Rockies fan. The young aggressor began to bellow at the Rockies fan, a portly woman in her mid-30s, for committing the unforgivable sin of being the least bit pleased that her awful baseball team was winning. “Go back to Colorado” he insisted, as he demanded that she “stop cheering for such a sh*tty team.”

This was not some Yankees fan vaingloriously inviting taunts, beer and abuse, but rather one of those pleasant mountainfolk, earnestly cheering her thin air heroes.

And still the abuse persisted. “BEST F*CKING RECORD IN THE MAJORS,” he harangued. “BEST F*CKING RECORD.”

“Hey,” came the interjection. It was a different voice, Sam Melendez’s gravely mumble. “I just want you to know that all Sox fans aren’t *ssholes.” The victim smiled, reassured that someone cared.

It was a profound truth. We’re not all *ssholes are we?

But the drunkard was out to prove Sam wrong.

“I’m just cheerin’ fer my team,” he slurred loudly. “How duz that make me ern azz hole?”

“This lady’s just supporting her team. Leave her alone,” replied Sam, barely concealing his growing irritation.
“Yer a bad fan, you should be supporting yer team, and she should GO THE F*CK BACK TO COLARADO!”

“Your mother must be so proud,” Sam retorted. Not the most original comeback but a valid comment.

“She is. You want talk to her?” He pulled out his cell phone.

Maybe his mother was proud. Maybe there are women out there who imagine that one day their sons will grow up to be drunken louts. But Sam was not prepared to ask her directly.

“That’s it we’re done here *sshole,” decided Sam

And with that Sam and Jose stood up and walked down to much better seats as the law student shrieked “BAD FANS LEAVING EARLY,” at us.

But Jose was proud of Sam, really proud, first for standing up for a visiting fan who was taking unreasonable crap, and second for refraining from beating the holy hell out of the law student. A sense of justice and a sense of restraint are two qualities that go together far too infrequently.

2. While last night’s game may have seemed like one more near meaningless interleague contest lost in the ether of a lengthy season, it should have a special sting for the many Red Sox fans who truly hate the Yankees.

This is because among last night’s victors was Rockies catcher Vorvit Torrealba, who as you can tell from the last name, is the love child of Yankees manager Joe Torre and Actress Jessica Alba. Torre had sex with Alba, known to be dating Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, in the locker room after an early season game. The crusty Torre was able to fool the actress by wearing Derek Jeter’s “Driven” cologne and bringing “intangibles” to the encounter.

When asked to explain the indiscretion Torre stated “she was invisible, so I thought she was my wife.” When it was explained to Torre that Alba only turns invisible in her Fantastic Four role as The Invisible Woman, Torre responded “Does that mean I’m not The Thing then, and I’m always going to be stuck looking like this?”

3. After last night’s appalling five inning six run performance, Curt Euro appeared this morning on WEEI’s Dennis and Callahan program and announced that he would accept a one year $13 million contract extension if it were offered.

In other news, President George W. Bush, following news of record low approval ratings declared that he would stay on for another term if elected. Also, Kevin Costner announced that he would star in a sequel to The Postman if asked.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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