Friday, June 15

The New Look Giants

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose is not much of a fashion plate. He would not thrive on Project Runway any more than Julio Lugo thrives at the top of the batting order… or the bottom of the batting order. Still, he does like to think he knows a little about uniforms and what makes a good one. Thus, he would like to make a humble suggestion to the visiting San Francisco Giants.

Yes, the orange and black is a classic look but don’t you ever want to try something at least a little bit different, a little bit fun? Sure you do, and what would you say if Jose told you that he had a uni idea that would also help you market more effectively to the Latino fans, who, according to Lou Dobbs, are overrunning your region? You’d say, “Absolutely Jose, what is it?”

Well, here it is. The Giants should start wearing the muscle suit worn by Latino professional wrestler The Giant Gonzales (note: a.k.a. El Gigante). Since Gonzalez was something of a bean pole (note: Think a Latin Manute Bol with less athletic ability), the late great Vincent Kennedy McMahon, may he rest in peace, dressed Gonzales in a skin tight suit that had muscles painted on to it and some impressive shoulder fur. The advantages for the Giants would be considerable. Not only would it be a sleek new look, the fake muscle suit would actually make Barry Bonds look less roided up.

A uni for the 21st century

2. With Barry Bonds, a legend like it or not, coming to town for the first time tonight Jose would like to see his fellow Red Sox fans show some class and not crack out the crude and tired “Ste-roids, Ste-roids” chant. It’s old, its day is past, and it’s not even accurate. Bud Selig wishes Barry were only taking steroids, given the freaky, freaky things he puts into his body. And yet sadly, nothing rhymes with stanozolol.

Thus, Jose is going to offer a more sophisticated alternative taunt that reflects the modernization and increasing sophistication of performance enhancing drugs.

The clear, and the cream,
Without them, you’d hit like Sid Bream,

You screwed up your knees,
We blame it all on PEDs

Hank Aaron’s your foil,
But he din’ need no Flaxseed Oil

3. Red Sox Legend Dave Roberts makes his first appearance in Boston in uniform tonight since the 2004 World Series. And while it is hard to explain exactly how great a man Roberts is, Jose is going to try to do it in the only way he knows how: by discussing his commonalities with another sporting legend, Mr. Miyagi.

FACT: Both were born on Okinawa.
FACT: Both have spent time living in L.A.
FACT: Both have cool beards.
FACT: Both have appeared with Jay Leno (Note: Roberts on The Tonight Show, Miyagi in the movie Collision Course.)
FACT: Jose is really stretching right now, and he has about as much in the tank right now as St. Josh a Beckett did last night.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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