Friday, June 1

Mine and the Shaft

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. After much consideration, consultation and contemplation, Jose has determined that Alex Rodriguez’s decision to yell “mine” while heading to third against the Blue Jays two nights ago, thereby causing a pop up to fall between fielders was, in fact, “bush.” (Note: Bush being a baseball term derived from the current president meaning incompetent, wrongheaded and immature.)

It’s not bush because it was deceptive, rather it was bush because it was illegal. The Major League baseball rulebook clearly states that “Offensive interference is an act by the team at bat which interferes with, obstructs, impedes, hinders or confuses any fielder attempting to make a play.”

What A-Rod did was clearly an effort to confuse, and he should have been called out.

The problem is not that A-Rod yelled, but that he yelled “mine,” which is really confusing to fielders trying to avoid a collision. Had he yelled “ha” as he claimed, there would have been no problem, unless one regards yelling out for shrimp in Chinese as “confusing.”

What’s frustrating is that there are so many things he could have yelled that would not have constituted interference. He could have yelled:
  • I have a boner right now
  • Jumanji
  • I had sex with your wife
  • The blond I was with was really a man
  • Hammer Time
  • Meca leca hi meca hiny ho
  • I have Smurf lips

Any of those might have worked and yet been totally legal, distracting but not confusing, yet A-Rod chose to yell the one thing that was illegal. Why did he do it? Because he knew it would work. It’s like the old Smothers Brothers bit:

Tom (singing): I fell into a vat of chocolate. I fell into a vat of

Dick (singing): What’d you do when you fell in the chocolate?

Both: La dee doo dum la dee doo dum day...

Tom (singing): I yelled ‘fire’ when I fell into the chocolate...

Dick (annoyed, singing): Why’d you yell ‘fire’ when you fell into the

Tom: I yelled ‘fire’ cause no one would help me if I yelled ‘Chocolate!’

A-rod yelled, “mine" because nobody would have dropped the ball if he’d yelled chocolate. Well, maybe noted chocoholic Troy “Yummy” O’Leary, but he wasn’t playing third.

2. The New York Post, in its ongoing pursuit of a Pulitzer, ran a follow up this morning on the mysterious blond woman Alex Rodriguez was seen with early this week at a Toronto strip club.

The Post identified the woman (note: Jose will not name her in accordance with his longstanding policy of not naming women who have sex with New York Yankees) as a 30 year old exotic dancer originally from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. This is a the latest in a long series of instances wherein Rodriguez has demonstrated questionable judgment. When asked for comment on why he would be having an affair with a 30 year old stripper rather than one of the many 22 year old groupies Rodriguez responded “I was excited running around third base. I don’t know what my intention was.” (Note: Real A-Rod quote!)

Stranger still is that the Post reported that in 2004, the Dallas Observer had reported that Rodriguez had been seen on two occasions at a swingers club. Wouldn’t a striker outers club me more his style?

When asked whether he was having sex with the stripper, Rodriguez claims to have simply exclaimed “ha,” but eyewitnesses and video confirm that he pointed toward her rear end and yelled “mine.”

Cynthia Rodriguez was unavailable for comment. (Note: Yes, this violates the no naming women having sex with Yankees policy, but since A-Rod is blatantly fooling around and his child is 2 ½ years old, Jose figures that’s more than three years since they last had marital relations, making Cynthia fair game.)

Jose has no policy against showing pictures of women having sex with Yankees.

3. As a self-conscious fellow, Roger Clemens is, of course, well aware that he shares a last name with legendary writer and wit Samuels Clemens who wrote under the name Mark Twain.

Samuels Clemens chose the name Mark Twain because in his days working the river boats river boatman would yell out “Mark Twain” when the depth decreased to the minimum safe depth of two fathoms. In tribute Roger Clemens will adopt a pen name based on things yelled around him, so upon his eventual retirement, look for a book authored by a man named either “Whereis Roger” or “Fat Traitor.” That is assuming Clemens is literate.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO GAME.

1 comment:

Fletcher Austin McGuffin said...

Actually, they would drop a rope to the bottom, with a knot every 6 feet (a fathom!) to gauge depth, as apparently river boats did not have sonar. Since river boats needed a draw of about 10 feet, when they pulled up the 2nd fathom the "Mark Twain" was considered great news, as it meant the captain was not about to smash the boat onto the rocks like Don Zimmer with a 14 game lead.

I am very disappointed that a blog so reknowned for it's accuracy and knowledge would put forth such a horrid slandering of the facts. For shame, Jose. I now only worship you as a demi-god, losing your "full-god" status. Another slip up like this and you are getting demoted to "Nymph".

Oh, and I have no idea why 1) I know that fact and 2) why I felt the need to correct it...