It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. We are now more than a month into the “Jose will not be an every day writer” era, and Jose has to be honest, it’s not going great.
Jose thought it would be terrific. Less work = more free time = greater happiness. By the transitive property of equality, that should mean than less work = greater happiness. And yet, it hasn’t gone that way. Ergo, mathematics is bullsh*t and 1+1 probably does equal 3, and Sir Isaac Newton is a jerk. Instead of enjoying life, sipping wine on the banks of the Seine or possibly the Tiber and the like, Jose has ended up with nothing from the whole exercise save for greater empathy for “The Coral Axe” Alex Cora.
Jose used to have the life of Manny Ramirez. He was in the game pretty much every day except for when he didn’t feel like it. It was a good life. But now, Jose is removed from the game, lonely and distant, participating only when things line up perfectly, like when you are given the field sobriety test but are actually sober.
How does Cora do it? How?
The answer, Jose believes, is that he fills up his free time with other pursuits, studying architecture, epistemology and the classics, doing all of the things that make him, as Tito says, “the smartest player in the game.” But Jose isn’t smart like Alex Cora. He can’t understand spherical trigonometry or read lesser novels of Dostoyevsky in the original Russian. So instead he sulks like Achilles in his tent or A-Rod without shemales, and slowly, slowly goes mad from the boredom of it all.
And then, when at last the call comes, when Jose’s services are once again needed and he must join in the game, Jose remains Cora-like, aloof and disengaged, unable to participate in any meaningful way. It is awful. Even worse it is ungodly.
Which brings us to the nature of hell. Dante will tell you that hell is a horrifying combination of fire and ice and if you are really bad, a three-headed beast gnawing eternally on your head. Dante Bichette will tell you that it is a diet. The Pope claims it is a sense of total separation from God. And old J.P. Sartre? He will smugly refer you to No Exit, and after you have squandered a few hours, you will learn that hell is other people. But they are wrong. They are all wrong.
Jose knows the truth. He does not know what he did to deserve the bitter knowledge, but know it he does.
Hell is being Alex Cora.
But you already knew that didn’t you? Here’s the really weird thing, though. Heaven is being Joey Cora. It’s right there in Paradiso; in the ninth sphere you get to be Joey Cora, but no one knows that because the only part of the Divine Comedy anyone ever reads in Inferno.
2. How manifold are the delights of the Roger Clemens debacle? Really manifold. Really, really manifold. But of all of the delights, there are none more delightful than the news that he once hit on the wife of wrestling legend Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.
Lot’s of people have gotten in their little jabs at Clemens for this small immorality, but none have had Jose’s unique qualifications to comment on the matter. As a result, the typical analysis is something like “Well, they’d better settle this inside a steel cage.” Pathetic. You call that insight?
What would a steel cage match settle? Nothing. If wrestling has taught Jose anything, it’s that women are basically chattel to be won as the result of fake combat, more or less the same lesson as he learned from the crusades. So clearly, Clemens and Beefcake should have a match with the love of Mrs. Beefcake on the line. Since Clemens claims to be from Texas even though he is actually from Ohio, it would have to be a Texas bull rope match, wherein the two combatants are lashed to each other with a thick, braided rope. The first man to touch all four corners of the ring in succession is victorious.
This is a good deal for Clemens, because inevitably, the guy who is not the husband wins these matches. Then Roger would get Mrs. Beefcake who would hate him for a while, but then eventually come around and start loving him and talking in the ring about how he was a much better lover than Brutus. For a guy whose testicles are probably shriveled from years of steroid abuse, this would be a nice touch. Even better for Roger, Debbie Clemens would have to end up leaving him for Beefcake as a result of the debacle because that’s just how these things go.
So Clemens would get the woman he hit on, and loose the bedazzling Mrs. Clemens. Why wouldn’t he do this? And better still, he would be moving into a sport where his use of steroids is socially acceptable, and even if he killed his wife and K kids, which is about the only thing he could do now to get more unpopular, he would still get a full length special on USA Network.
3. As Jose wrote all of this in a café in a major American League metropolis, a bunch of protestors marched by ending a demand to 60 years of terror. At first Jose thought they were demanding an end to the Yawkey Era, but then Jose remembered that he’s not in Boston and that it’s not 1993. Also, the crowd seemed to really hate Jews, so they’d probably be pro-Tom Yawkey right?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Showing posts with label Clemens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clemens. Show all posts
Saturday, May 10
Thursday, May 8
Red Sox Nationalism
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Nationalism is a problem.
Yes it can offer benefits, a sense of unity and purpose, a desire, as John McCain has said, to become part of something greater than oneself. But it also leads, almost inevitably, to arrogance, elitism and prejudice. Anyone who has spent as much time in the Balkans as Jose (note: four weeks) knows exactly how destructive nationalism can be and will come to view it with a fearful mix of respect and loathing.
And yet, without nationalism, can a nation ever truly be forged? Could Italian city-states have become one kind of resolute and more or less stable nation without nationalism? Could the United States have formed a nation out of a mélange of peoples without creating a nationalism based not on ethnicity, but the idea of Americanness? Could hundreds of German states… wait… okay let’s skip that one.
Since 1967, we Red Sox fans have slowly become a nation. We know this because Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino tells us so. But marketing aside, at this point it is undeniable. However, it is equally undeniable that we could not have become a Red Sox nation without a Red Sox nationalism.
Prussian thinker Johann Gottfried Herder reframed the idea of the nation as a Volknation a “folk-nation” motivated by the Volkgeist, “the spirit of the people.” Does the Red Sox Nation have a Volkgeist? Herder would certainly say so. He looked to language and cultural traditions to form the chalky outlines of the people’s divine form. Language, folklore, music, dance, we have them all. Every time a drunkard yells “A-Rod you wicked suck,” he is feeding into the Volkgeist. Dance? The wave is nothing more than the undulating heave of a nation in motion. Music? From Jess Cain’s Yaz Song, to Red Sox Mabmo #5, to Tessie, to Sweet Caroline, to Dirty Water, Red Sox nation can compete with any of that Bach or Mozart the Germans used to define themselves, provided Bach and Mozart dumbed down their music by 99% and later confessed to some weird feelings about Caroline Kennedy. And folklore? What is the “Curse of the Bambino” if not our version of the Brother’s Grimm, an absurd and terrifying account of things that are almost entirely fictional.
These are all good things, except for the Shaughnessy book, these symbols of our nationalism, but we would do well to remember that nationalism is not all good, to be vigilant against excess. There was an incident in New Hampshire several days ago wherein a fan of the New York Yankees, (note: Jose was going to write the Russia to our Germany but that made him a little sick. Then he was going to write the Germany to our Russia, but that also made him sick, so he settled on the Norway to our Sweden), responded to the “Yankees Suck” chant, the ancient cry of our people, with violence. This Yankees fan used her motor vehicle as a weapon, literally running down a group of Red Sox fans, murdering one. First, allow Jose to say that this is messed up. Really sick, horrible stuff, like worse than Roger Clemens horrible. Second, let’s not let the Red Sox Nationalism take us to those dark places.
We are not like Germany or Russia; we are better than them. We are fueled not my hatred of the other, but by love of our fellow citizens.
Let us not let Red Sox nationalism take us down the twisted path to madness, violence and death. It is all well and good to talk like a nation, think like a nation and act like a nation, but to destroy like a nation? To war like a nation? If that is the price of Red Sox Nationalism, Jose would be just fine being a Red Sox City-State.
2. The Red Sox blew a dramatic come from behind victory last night in part due to the 10th error of the year by embattled shortstop Julio Lugo. Lugo is one of those Red Sox players Jose has never managed to come up with a nickname for, but at last, after a good fielding horribly hitting 2007 and a better hitting but horrible fielding first month of 2008, Jose feels obliged to come up with something. Also, he didn’t see the game last night, so he is better off working on names than commenting on actual performance.
Here’s what Jose has come up with after three, perhaps even four minutes of work: Julio Yugo.
At first it seems obvious, crappy shortstop, crappy car—perfect.
But it is far more nuanced than that. The Yugo was introduced with great fanfare as a useful little thing that would fill a variety of needs, not flashy, but effective. Sound familiar? But it never settled into the U.S. market, and is ultimately regarded as one of the great disasters in automotive history.
The history of the Yugo is the history of Julio Lugo.
That said the comparison is not perfect. The Yugo, for all of its flaws, was at least cheap.
3. KEYS TO THE GAME fanboy Curt Euro took a major step in his rehabilitation from a shoulder injury this week, when he took a turn throwing from 60 feet (note: 20 yards). If he is able to throw at that distance without pain, he will immediately be the leading candidate for quarterback of the New York Jets.
Euro’s apparent recovery comes after he followed a routine of rest and rehabilitation recommended by the Red Sox. Euro and his doctors had insisted that surgery was the correct course of action. While Euro conceded that time has shown that the Red Sox recommendation was correct, his friend, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, insisted that this proved, more then ever, the need for surgery.
“I don’t care if he needs to have 100 surgeries,” said a defiant McCain. “Our objective is for Curt’s shoulder not to hurt. And we will keep cutting into his shoulder until it does not hurt anymore. Only then, will it be safe for have further surgeries.”
McCain continued “His surgeries, will of course, be covered under my health insurance plan, provided that they are not for an actual injury.”
With his recovery underway, Euro’s next task is to figure out how to meet the weight incentives included in his contract. Euro is unlikely to make weight due to the weight gain that is a well-known side effect of arm injuries.
As an alternative Euro has suggested a buoyancy incentive (note: credit to Dr. Katz Professional Therapist).
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Nationalism is a problem.
Yes it can offer benefits, a sense of unity and purpose, a desire, as John McCain has said, to become part of something greater than oneself. But it also leads, almost inevitably, to arrogance, elitism and prejudice. Anyone who has spent as much time in the Balkans as Jose (note: four weeks) knows exactly how destructive nationalism can be and will come to view it with a fearful mix of respect and loathing.
And yet, without nationalism, can a nation ever truly be forged? Could Italian city-states have become one kind of resolute and more or less stable nation without nationalism? Could the United States have formed a nation out of a mélange of peoples without creating a nationalism based not on ethnicity, but the idea of Americanness? Could hundreds of German states… wait… okay let’s skip that one.
Since 1967, we Red Sox fans have slowly become a nation. We know this because Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino tells us so. But marketing aside, at this point it is undeniable. However, it is equally undeniable that we could not have become a Red Sox nation without a Red Sox nationalism.
Prussian thinker Johann Gottfried Herder reframed the idea of the nation as a Volknation a “folk-nation” motivated by the Volkgeist, “the spirit of the people.” Does the Red Sox Nation have a Volkgeist? Herder would certainly say so. He looked to language and cultural traditions to form the chalky outlines of the people’s divine form. Language, folklore, music, dance, we have them all. Every time a drunkard yells “A-Rod you wicked suck,” he is feeding into the Volkgeist. Dance? The wave is nothing more than the undulating heave of a nation in motion. Music? From Jess Cain’s Yaz Song, to Red Sox Mabmo #5, to Tessie, to Sweet Caroline, to Dirty Water, Red Sox nation can compete with any of that Bach or Mozart the Germans used to define themselves, provided Bach and Mozart dumbed down their music by 99% and later confessed to some weird feelings about Caroline Kennedy. And folklore? What is the “Curse of the Bambino” if not our version of the Brother’s Grimm, an absurd and terrifying account of things that are almost entirely fictional.
These are all good things, except for the Shaughnessy book, these symbols of our nationalism, but we would do well to remember that nationalism is not all good, to be vigilant against excess. There was an incident in New Hampshire several days ago wherein a fan of the New York Yankees, (note: Jose was going to write the Russia to our Germany but that made him a little sick. Then he was going to write the Germany to our Russia, but that also made him sick, so he settled on the Norway to our Sweden), responded to the “Yankees Suck” chant, the ancient cry of our people, with violence. This Yankees fan used her motor vehicle as a weapon, literally running down a group of Red Sox fans, murdering one. First, allow Jose to say that this is messed up. Really sick, horrible stuff, like worse than Roger Clemens horrible. Second, let’s not let the Red Sox Nationalism take us to those dark places.
We are not like Germany or Russia; we are better than them. We are fueled not my hatred of the other, but by love of our fellow citizens.
Let us not let Red Sox nationalism take us down the twisted path to madness, violence and death. It is all well and good to talk like a nation, think like a nation and act like a nation, but to destroy like a nation? To war like a nation? If that is the price of Red Sox Nationalism, Jose would be just fine being a Red Sox City-State.
2. The Red Sox blew a dramatic come from behind victory last night in part due to the 10th error of the year by embattled shortstop Julio Lugo. Lugo is one of those Red Sox players Jose has never managed to come up with a nickname for, but at last, after a good fielding horribly hitting 2007 and a better hitting but horrible fielding first month of 2008, Jose feels obliged to come up with something. Also, he didn’t see the game last night, so he is better off working on names than commenting on actual performance.
Here’s what Jose has come up with after three, perhaps even four minutes of work: Julio Yugo.
At first it seems obvious, crappy shortstop, crappy car—perfect.
But it is far more nuanced than that. The Yugo was introduced with great fanfare as a useful little thing that would fill a variety of needs, not flashy, but effective. Sound familiar? But it never settled into the U.S. market, and is ultimately regarded as one of the great disasters in automotive history.
The history of the Yugo is the history of Julio Lugo.
That said the comparison is not perfect. The Yugo, for all of its flaws, was at least cheap.
3. KEYS TO THE GAME fanboy Curt Euro took a major step in his rehabilitation from a shoulder injury this week, when he took a turn throwing from 60 feet (note: 20 yards). If he is able to throw at that distance without pain, he will immediately be the leading candidate for quarterback of the New York Jets.
Euro’s apparent recovery comes after he followed a routine of rest and rehabilitation recommended by the Red Sox. Euro and his doctors had insisted that surgery was the correct course of action. While Euro conceded that time has shown that the Red Sox recommendation was correct, his friend, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, insisted that this proved, more then ever, the need for surgery.
“I don’t care if he needs to have 100 surgeries,” said a defiant McCain. “Our objective is for Curt’s shoulder not to hurt. And we will keep cutting into his shoulder until it does not hurt anymore. Only then, will it be safe for have further surgeries.”
McCain continued “His surgeries, will of course, be covered under my health insurance plan, provided that they are not for an actual injury.”
With his recovery underway, Euro’s next task is to figure out how to meet the weight incentives included in his contract. Euro is unlikely to make weight due to the weight gain that is a well-known side effect of arm injuries.
As an alternative Euro has suggested a buoyancy incentive (note: credit to Dr. Katz Professional Therapist).
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, May 1
Defamation of a Character
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Every day, it seems, a new Roger Clemens girlfriend is revealed. And each time, just as it appears that there could not possible be another, we hear of a new lady emerging as unexpected and slathered in make up as a clown from a VW Beetle.
This begs the question, who’s next? It can’t just be three, can it? There must be more. So in the hopes that Roger will sue him for defamation of character, leading to even further public humiliation for the Rocket Man, Jose, gives his list of women who have had affairs with Roger Clemens:
• Rue McClanahan: Remember her character on Golden Girls? She was a really slutty southern dame, which seems to put her right in Clemens’ wheelhouse. Also, if you balance her out with Mindy McCready, that gives him one appropriately-aged mistress.
• Margo Adams: Clemens and Wade Boggs were having simultaneous affairs with Adams. This resulted in an awkward instance wherein Adams got pregnant, and Clemens insisted it was a Boggs error, but Boggs countered that Clemens should not have “pitched inside.”
• Trot Nixon: No wait. He f*cks Roger Clemens, not the other way around.
• Suzyn Waldman: You heard the tape of her. What else could it have been?
• Mata Hari: Traitors run in packs.
• Kim Khardasian: With all of those Ks in her name, how could Roger resist.
2. In a bit of a surprise, Hideki Okajima blew a save last night, allowing an inherited runner to score in the eighth on a sacrifice fly following a double. He ended the inning with two strike outs.
Manager Terry Eurona’s decision to bring in Okajima after Manny of the Carmen had allowed a lead off single puzzled some fans. Jose agrees that departing from Okajima’s normal usage was an unwise move that led, at least indirectly, to the run.
There is no way Tito should have brought Okajima in until it was bases loaded no outs. How could Oki have been expected to perform with only one man on base?
3. While many major league teams might be encouraging players to back off from spring training shenanigans in light of the Clemens Affair, the Red Sox have refused to change anything.
“The one thing we don’t want to do is lose the intimacy of spring training,” said Red Sox Chief Operating Officer Mike Dee.
While Dee’s comments were reported by Nick Cafardo to be in response to a question about moving the spring training home to Sarasota, Sarasota is believed to be baseball slang for “sex with aspiring country musicians” just as “stick” means “bat” and “shooting beaver” means being a peeping tom.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Every day, it seems, a new Roger Clemens girlfriend is revealed. And each time, just as it appears that there could not possible be another, we hear of a new lady emerging as unexpected and slathered in make up as a clown from a VW Beetle.
This begs the question, who’s next? It can’t just be three, can it? There must be more. So in the hopes that Roger will sue him for defamation of character, leading to even further public humiliation for the Rocket Man, Jose, gives his list of women who have had affairs with Roger Clemens:
• Rue McClanahan: Remember her character on Golden Girls? She was a really slutty southern dame, which seems to put her right in Clemens’ wheelhouse. Also, if you balance her out with Mindy McCready, that gives him one appropriately-aged mistress.
• Margo Adams: Clemens and Wade Boggs were having simultaneous affairs with Adams. This resulted in an awkward instance wherein Adams got pregnant, and Clemens insisted it was a Boggs error, but Boggs countered that Clemens should not have “pitched inside.”
• Trot Nixon: No wait. He f*cks Roger Clemens, not the other way around.
• Suzyn Waldman: You heard the tape of her. What else could it have been?
• Mata Hari: Traitors run in packs.
• Kim Khardasian: With all of those Ks in her name, how could Roger resist.
2. In a bit of a surprise, Hideki Okajima blew a save last night, allowing an inherited runner to score in the eighth on a sacrifice fly following a double. He ended the inning with two strike outs.
Manager Terry Eurona’s decision to bring in Okajima after Manny of the Carmen had allowed a lead off single puzzled some fans. Jose agrees that departing from Okajima’s normal usage was an unwise move that led, at least indirectly, to the run.
There is no way Tito should have brought Okajima in until it was bases loaded no outs. How could Oki have been expected to perform with only one man on base?
3. While many major league teams might be encouraging players to back off from spring training shenanigans in light of the Clemens Affair, the Red Sox have refused to change anything.
“The one thing we don’t want to do is lose the intimacy of spring training,” said Red Sox Chief Operating Officer Mike Dee.
While Dee’s comments were reported by Nick Cafardo to be in response to a question about moving the spring training home to Sarasota, Sarasota is believed to be baseball slang for “sex with aspiring country musicians” just as “stick” means “bat” and “shooting beaver” means being a peeping tom.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, April 29
Yeats on Clemens
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Into the Twilight
By William Butler Yeats
Adapted by Dan Duquette
Out-Worn arm in a man out-worn,
Unclear of the rules of wrong and right;
Career descends into grey twilight,
Why couldn’t he just have purchased some porn?
The country singer was too young,
He was unfurling to twilight grey;
Forkball went flat and fastball decay,
Burning inside with each curveball he hung.
Stomach where fat was heaped upon fat:
A modern Narcissus, growing old
‘Til H and G and H let him hold
The pitch that let him miss the bat;
Toronto, New York, and Houston too,
His chemical arm stayed strong at his right;
But “love” is less kind in the grey twilight,
A cheater who lied with each pitch that he threw.
2. Jose has an extra ticket for tonight’s game and try as he might, he just can’t unload it. His best guess is that it is either because it is raining or because Jon Lester is pitching. If Jose were forced to guess, he would go with Jon Lester, mostly because he has never heard Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue publicly pray for Jon Lester to come to Atlanta.
On the other hand, there are a few American Indian tribes who do Jon Lester dances when their crops are withering, so who knows.
3. For among the first times in his life Jose can say, without question, that he loves God way more than he loves the Red Sox. (Note to God: It’s a joke, please don’t damn Jose to the Bronx.) And it’s not just sucking up. We are incredibly, incredibly fortunate that God made the world and not the Red Sox.
Because God made the world in six days and then took a day off, we get Sunday off. This is pretty great. Had the Red Sox been tasked with making the world, the Major League schedule makers would have forced them to do it for 20 consecutive days before getting a day off, so we’d all have to work nearly three straight week before having a day of rest. You know, unless Tito promised us one, or we got ejected or both.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Into the Twilight
By William Butler Yeats
Adapted by Dan Duquette
Out-Worn arm in a man out-worn,
Unclear of the rules of wrong and right;
Career descends into grey twilight,
Why couldn’t he just have purchased some porn?
The country singer was too young,
He was unfurling to twilight grey;
Forkball went flat and fastball decay,
Burning inside with each curveball he hung.
Stomach where fat was heaped upon fat:
A modern Narcissus, growing old
‘Til H and G and H let him hold
The pitch that let him miss the bat;
Toronto, New York, and Houston too,
His chemical arm stayed strong at his right;
But “love” is less kind in the grey twilight,
A cheater who lied with each pitch that he threw.
2. Jose has an extra ticket for tonight’s game and try as he might, he just can’t unload it. His best guess is that it is either because it is raining or because Jon Lester is pitching. If Jose were forced to guess, he would go with Jon Lester, mostly because he has never heard Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue publicly pray for Jon Lester to come to Atlanta.
On the other hand, there are a few American Indian tribes who do Jon Lester dances when their crops are withering, so who knows.
3. For among the first times in his life Jose can say, without question, that he loves God way more than he loves the Red Sox. (Note to God: It’s a joke, please don’t damn Jose to the Bronx.) And it’s not just sucking up. We are incredibly, incredibly fortunate that God made the world and not the Red Sox.
Because God made the world in six days and then took a day off, we get Sunday off. This is pretty great. Had the Red Sox been tasked with making the world, the Major League schedule makers would have forced them to do it for 20 consecutive days before getting a day off, so we’d all have to work nearly three straight week before having a day of rest. You know, unless Tito promised us one, or we got ejected or both.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wednesday, March 5
Count all the Games
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. March 5, 2008
Jupiter--New York Yankees President Hank Steinbrenner today called on Major League Baseball to count all preseason games toward the Major League Baseball Standings.
"The people of Jupiter will have their voices heard," screamed Steinbrenner. "We will not allow the tens of thousands of fans who have attended these games in good faith to be told they wasted three hours of their lives."
When asked why the Yankees had reserved their position prior to the pre-season that the games would not count, Steinbrenner responded angrily.
"These are the games that matter. You cannot win the AL East without taking games against important rivals like Toronto. How could a game against Toronto not count, while regular season Red Sox wins against unimportant teams like Kansas City and Minnesota be allowed to count?"
Critics responded harshly to Steinbrenner's claim.
"Hank Steinbrenner wants to change the rules when it suits him," said Red Sox CEO John W. Henry. “He didn’t favor this change until it gave the Yankees a 1.5 game lead over the Red Sox.”
Steinbrenner also, reportedly has been lobbying heavily for the inclusion of “supergames” games that would not be won on the field, but would be determined by a complex formula.
“The supergames should be free to send whoever is the best American League prospect for November,” insisted Steinbrenner.
2. When Jose first posted the press release above, someone suggest that it was from The Onion. Immediately, Jose got incredibly paranoid, because he goes to great lengths to avoid plagiarism. He is the sort of guy who footnotes excessively, and feels obliged, when mentioning batting averages, to point out that he is not the guy who invented the stat.
But that’s how it is these days. With the proliferation of the internet and large numbers of idiots writing at great length, it is exceedingly difficult to write anything that has not been vaguely mentioned somewhere or conceived by someone else.
As a result, Jose gets paranoid, very paranoid. He gets paranoid not least of all because it is often unclear exactly what is plagiarism and what is not. Sure, it’s plagiarism for an academic or a journalist to use someone else’s words or ideas without attribution, but is it when someone in a different profession does effectively the same thing?
Is it plagiarism when someone throws a circle change without thanking Frank Viola for the pitch? Every time Bartolo Colon puts on a pair of 64-inch waist pants this year, should he have to acknowledge Rich Garces for developing the idea of pants with a 64 inch waist?
When an ump calls a phantom tag, shouldn’t he have to cite Tim Tschida? When a pitcher loses a playoff game to Jeff Suppan, shouldn’t he have to cite Roger Clemens?
These are serious issues, and Jose demands a Congressional inquiry.
3. Quick question: Do Hank Steinbrenner and Serb Prime Minster Vojislav Kostuncia have the same speech writers? Let’s compare:
Steinbrenner: "Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of (nonsense) that is. "That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans.”
Kostunica: “For the citizens of Serbia, for Serbia, there is no and will never be a fake state of Kosovo on its territory”
Steinbrenner: “This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”
Kostunica “We must focus on decisions of historic importance and annul once and for all any act of the separatist Albanians and confirm that Kosovo is an integral part of Serbia"
It’s not precisely the same, it’s just that if Kostunica had said “"The Republic of Kosovo? What a bunch of (nonsense) that is. That was a creation of the U.S. and Europe, which is filled with Albanians.” Would it have sounded odd to anyone?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. March 5, 2008
Jupiter--New York Yankees President Hank Steinbrenner today called on Major League Baseball to count all preseason games toward the Major League Baseball Standings.
"The people of Jupiter will have their voices heard," screamed Steinbrenner. "We will not allow the tens of thousands of fans who have attended these games in good faith to be told they wasted three hours of their lives."
When asked why the Yankees had reserved their position prior to the pre-season that the games would not count, Steinbrenner responded angrily.
"These are the games that matter. You cannot win the AL East without taking games against important rivals like Toronto. How could a game against Toronto not count, while regular season Red Sox wins against unimportant teams like Kansas City and Minnesota be allowed to count?"
Critics responded harshly to Steinbrenner's claim.
"Hank Steinbrenner wants to change the rules when it suits him," said Red Sox CEO John W. Henry. “He didn’t favor this change until it gave the Yankees a 1.5 game lead over the Red Sox.”
Steinbrenner also, reportedly has been lobbying heavily for the inclusion of “supergames” games that would not be won on the field, but would be determined by a complex formula.
“The supergames should be free to send whoever is the best American League prospect for November,” insisted Steinbrenner.
2. When Jose first posted the press release above, someone suggest that it was from The Onion. Immediately, Jose got incredibly paranoid, because he goes to great lengths to avoid plagiarism. He is the sort of guy who footnotes excessively, and feels obliged, when mentioning batting averages, to point out that he is not the guy who invented the stat.
But that’s how it is these days. With the proliferation of the internet and large numbers of idiots writing at great length, it is exceedingly difficult to write anything that has not been vaguely mentioned somewhere or conceived by someone else.
As a result, Jose gets paranoid, very paranoid. He gets paranoid not least of all because it is often unclear exactly what is plagiarism and what is not. Sure, it’s plagiarism for an academic or a journalist to use someone else’s words or ideas without attribution, but is it when someone in a different profession does effectively the same thing?
Is it plagiarism when someone throws a circle change without thanking Frank Viola for the pitch? Every time Bartolo Colon puts on a pair of 64-inch waist pants this year, should he have to acknowledge Rich Garces for developing the idea of pants with a 64 inch waist?
When an ump calls a phantom tag, shouldn’t he have to cite Tim Tschida? When a pitcher loses a playoff game to Jeff Suppan, shouldn’t he have to cite Roger Clemens?
These are serious issues, and Jose demands a Congressional inquiry.
3. Quick question: Do Hank Steinbrenner and Serb Prime Minster Vojislav Kostuncia have the same speech writers? Let’s compare:
Steinbrenner: "Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of (nonsense) that is. "That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans.”
Kostunica: “For the citizens of Serbia, for Serbia, there is no and will never be a fake state of Kosovo on its territory”
Steinbrenner: “This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”
Kostunica “We must focus on decisions of historic importance and annul once and for all any act of the separatist Albanians and confirm that Kosovo is an integral part of Serbia"
It’s not precisely the same, it’s just that if Kostunica had said “"The Republic of Kosovo? What a bunch of (nonsense) that is. That was a creation of the U.S. and Europe, which is filled with Albanians.” Would it have sounded odd to anyone?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
Thursday, February 14
Jose Told You So
BUY THE KEYS BOOK, STILL ON SALE: STILL WITH A HAPPY ENDING
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. A truck? You people are excited about a freaking truck? We won the World Series and you have the audacity to be excited that a glorified moving van has headed on down to Florida signifying the beginning of the end of the winter of our content?
You want something to be excited about, be excited about the fact that after, as the boxing announcers would put it, his longest period of inactivity, Jose Melendez is back!
Jose hasn’t written at all in two months, and only three times since the World Series, and you know what it garnered him? An endorsement deal. That’s right after begging and pleading for folks to buy his books, after spending years forcing out cruddy winter columns in order to have a chance to plug his latest volume, Jose was rewarded for his sloth by an actual advertiser, paying him in actual money. If other advertisers want to reward Jose you know what to do.
Now, a lot of you may be asking why Jose didn’t write much during the Hot Stove season past. The reason, simply enough, is that there wasn’t that much to write about. Aside from the Santana saga and the steroids imbroglio, both of which warranted a few clicks of the keys, what was there to write about?
Did the Sox make any big free agent signings? Did they make any crazy trades? Did they do anything that would warrant Jose stepping lively?
Nope, that left Jose to dwell on the Patriots, at least until 10 days ago, and the election. Sure he could have written, but what would he have written about? You want to know what you missed. Fine, but don’t say Jose didn’t warn you.
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Santana is not coming to Boston.
• Which was worse the 1994 Baseball Strike or the Hollywood writers strike? (Note: This actually had the potential to be good, hell it still could be. The baseball strike was good because it screwed up a possible Yankees Championship run; the writers’ strike was good because it screwed up a season of Grey’s Anatomy. The baseball strike was bad because it screwed up Tony Gwynn chasing .400. The writer’s strike was bad because it screwed up Lost. Wait, no it didn’t. It ended in time. Thank God.)
• Sean Casey: The next J.T. Snow or the next Mike Marshall?
• Jose’s reflections on the assassination of Benazir Bhutto: If her husband is called Mister 10% does that mean she’s married to Craig Grebeck. (Note: See, it’s a batting average joke.)
• The Giuliani Candidacy vs. The 2004 Yankees vs. the 2007 Mets, Triple threat match to determine the Greatest New York Collapse of the Century
Jose will stop there. He might actually need to use some of these if he is going to stagger through another season.
2. Let’s see where did Jose leave off? What was it that he wrote the last time he put finger to key?
Here it is:
“Jose is just wondering but did the Mitchell report say anything about Debbie Clemens and steroids? Have you seen her/him? If she's not on steroids, the only other possible explanation is a y chromosome.”
Now we have learned that Mrs. Clemens was, if fact, using human growth hormone, a fact confirmed by Mr. Clemens in his testimony to Congress yesterday.
Jose, of course, is not one to say, “I told you so.”
He is, however, one to say, “Jose told you so.”
JOSE TOLD YOU SO! JOSE TOLD YOU SO!
Dear God that feels good.
There is good news in all of this for Roger, however.
Sure, he is disgraced, he may never make the Hall-of-Fame and there is a reasonable chance he will be indicted for perjury or witness tampering, but rest assured it does not turn out that he has been married to a man for all these many years. Given that the only explanation other than drug abuse was androgyny, Roger should really be pretty happy that another guy gave his wife an injection the glutes.
3. Funny thing is that Jose was actually in the Rayburn Building for a meeting yesterday at the same time that Roger was testifying before the committee.
Jose had a number of conversations that day with his colleagues, who are not quite the same baseball fans he is, and they kept saying things like “Doesn’t Congress have better things to do? What a waste of taxpayer money.”
This got Jose thinking, what would he rather have his tax dollars spent on? Sure, there are a lot of things that the federal government does that are important to him like defense, roads, human services and aid to Kosovo, but don’t they do lots of other things that are far less important to him?
Doesn’t seeing his tax dollars go to the public humiliation of Roger Clemens, whom he loathes, seem like a pretty good deal?
Let’s think about this. Has Jose gotten more utility from these hearings or the MX Missile? The hearings have definitely been more valuable, though he thinks that the Midgetman Missile might have been a slightly better use of funds than the Clemens hearings because it has a funny name.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. A truck? You people are excited about a freaking truck? We won the World Series and you have the audacity to be excited that a glorified moving van has headed on down to Florida signifying the beginning of the end of the winter of our content?
You want something to be excited about, be excited about the fact that after, as the boxing announcers would put it, his longest period of inactivity, Jose Melendez is back!
Jose hasn’t written at all in two months, and only three times since the World Series, and you know what it garnered him? An endorsement deal. That’s right after begging and pleading for folks to buy his books, after spending years forcing out cruddy winter columns in order to have a chance to plug his latest volume, Jose was rewarded for his sloth by an actual advertiser, paying him in actual money. If other advertisers want to reward Jose you know what to do.
Now, a lot of you may be asking why Jose didn’t write much during the Hot Stove season past. The reason, simply enough, is that there wasn’t that much to write about. Aside from the Santana saga and the steroids imbroglio, both of which warranted a few clicks of the keys, what was there to write about?
Did the Sox make any big free agent signings? Did they make any crazy trades? Did they do anything that would warrant Jose stepping lively?
Nope, that left Jose to dwell on the Patriots, at least until 10 days ago, and the election. Sure he could have written, but what would he have written about? You want to know what you missed. Fine, but don’t say Jose didn’t warn you.
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Is Santana coming to Boston?
• Santana is not coming to Boston.
• Which was worse the 1994 Baseball Strike or the Hollywood writers strike? (Note: This actually had the potential to be good, hell it still could be. The baseball strike was good because it screwed up a possible Yankees Championship run; the writers’ strike was good because it screwed up a season of Grey’s Anatomy. The baseball strike was bad because it screwed up Tony Gwynn chasing .400. The writer’s strike was bad because it screwed up Lost. Wait, no it didn’t. It ended in time. Thank God.)
• Sean Casey: The next J.T. Snow or the next Mike Marshall?
• Jose’s reflections on the assassination of Benazir Bhutto: If her husband is called Mister 10% does that mean she’s married to Craig Grebeck. (Note: See, it’s a batting average joke.)
• The Giuliani Candidacy vs. The 2004 Yankees vs. the 2007 Mets, Triple threat match to determine the Greatest New York Collapse of the Century
Jose will stop there. He might actually need to use some of these if he is going to stagger through another season.
2. Let’s see where did Jose leave off? What was it that he wrote the last time he put finger to key?
Here it is:
“Jose is just wondering but did the Mitchell report say anything about Debbie Clemens and steroids? Have you seen her/him? If she's not on steroids, the only other possible explanation is a y chromosome.”
Now we have learned that Mrs. Clemens was, if fact, using human growth hormone, a fact confirmed by Mr. Clemens in his testimony to Congress yesterday.
Jose, of course, is not one to say, “I told you so.”
He is, however, one to say, “Jose told you so.”
JOSE TOLD YOU SO! JOSE TOLD YOU SO!
Dear God that feels good.
There is good news in all of this for Roger, however.
Sure, he is disgraced, he may never make the Hall-of-Fame and there is a reasonable chance he will be indicted for perjury or witness tampering, but rest assured it does not turn out that he has been married to a man for all these many years. Given that the only explanation other than drug abuse was androgyny, Roger should really be pretty happy that another guy gave his wife an injection the glutes.
3. Funny thing is that Jose was actually in the Rayburn Building for a meeting yesterday at the same time that Roger was testifying before the committee.
Jose had a number of conversations that day with his colleagues, who are not quite the same baseball fans he is, and they kept saying things like “Doesn’t Congress have better things to do? What a waste of taxpayer money.”
This got Jose thinking, what would he rather have his tax dollars spent on? Sure, there are a lot of things that the federal government does that are important to him like defense, roads, human services and aid to Kosovo, but don’t they do lots of other things that are far less important to him?
Doesn’t seeing his tax dollars go to the public humiliation of Roger Clemens, whom he loathes, seem like a pretty good deal?
Let’s think about this. Has Jose gotten more utility from these hearings or the MX Missile? The hearings have definitely been more valuable, though he thinks that the Midgetman Missile might have been a slightly better use of funds than the Clemens hearings because it has a funny name.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
Thursday, December 13
l'Affaire Clemens
BUY THE 2007 KEYS BOOK—STEROID/HGH FREE*
*Except for Gagne and Donnelly
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE MITCHELL REPORT.
1.
1856 The Supreme Court rules that escaped slave Dred Scott, is property and cannot be taken away from his owner without due process.
1894 French soldier Alfred Dreyfus is convicted of passing military secrets to the Germans.
1986 Randy “Macho Man” Savage takes the Intercontinental Title from Tito Santana after hitting him with a foreign object (Note: In the last KEYS Jose claimed Tito Santana was part of the Can-Am Connection, not only is that wrong, it makes no sense, as Tito is Mexican. We regret the error.)
2007 Roger Clemens is accused of steroid abuse by Sen. George Mitchell.
Do you see where Jose is going with this? You must. There is injustice in the world. There has always been injustice. Some days, there is more than on others.
Sometimes injustice is driven by racism and greed. Other times it is caused by anti-Semitism. On still other occasions, it is due to an abhorrent lack of instant replay in professional wrestling. Yet today in our country injustice burns a little hotter, stings a little sharper, for in our national pastime, it has happened again. Bu not only has injustice transpired once more, it has taken a more odious form.
The victim of today’s injustice is not a slave, a Jew or even a Mexican. No he is a victim more reviled than even these once loathed classes. The sad soul is a white Christian millionaire. Yes, gasp. Gasp in horror at the evil in the world. And unlike those who have come before him this man, this poor pathetic man, does not even get the dignity of unjust imprisonment, loss of liberty or confiscation of property to illustrate his plight. His punishment is nothing less horrible than being named in a non-binding report to the Commissioner of Baseball that has no legal weight whatsoever and cannot result in any meaningful sanction.
Truly, Jose weeps for Roger Clemens.
Today’s injustice was not caused by bigotry or the lust for glory, but rather by a deviant devotion to empiricism and a madman’s commitment to the notion that overwhelming evidence is indicative of guilt. What would Jefferson say?
Yes, this is the kind of country we have become.
The United States of America is now a place where a man, a great man, a man who stood face to face with Jeff Suppan and almost won, can be openly slandered by a convicted felon, and never given the opportunity during the investigation to refute claims. Or more specifically, where a man who has several times almost made it through the first few innings of critical ALCS games can be given an opportunity to refute accusations, decline that opportunity, and then complain that there has never been an opportunity to dispute the story. If this continues rest assured that the disappearance of habeas corpus is next. Or possibly, before. Jose gets confused.
As you go to bed tonight, filled perhaps with shadenfreude or fahrvergnuegen, Jose want you to think: What if it were you?
What if you had just made tens of millions of dollars for a few below average innings on top of more than $100 million over the course of your career? What if you were regarded by many as the greatest pitcher of all time? Wouldn’t you trade it all away for a clean reputation? Wouldn’t you offer those achievements up like so many Jacoby Ellsburys and Jed Lowries for the Johann Santana of vindication?
No, you probably wouldn’t.
Jose weeps for the nation.
2. Jose is just wondering but did the Mitchell report say anything about Debbie Clemens and steroids? Have you seen her/him? Jose doesn’t want to say that she’s mannish or anything, but he’s heard that when Suzyn Waldman was gushing about Roger’s return to the Bronx, all noted she-he fan A-Rod could say was “Debbie’s back?” “Debbie’s BACK!!!!!!!!!”
If she's not on steroids, the only other possible explaination is a y chromosome
3. Why did Mo have to be in there?
Mo Vaughan did it. He absolutely did it. They even have a check from him. The case against Mo Vaughn is tighter than Jeff Loria on Marlins payday.
There was a time when this would have broken Jose’s heart. That time was 2PM this afternoon. To Jose, Mo always represented what was good about baseball, what he loved about the game. Mo loved baseball, he loved Boston and he loved being a leader in the community. For Christ’s sake, Jose bought his children’s book “Follow Your Dreams” and got it autographed.
And now this. Jose would have preferred that it was anyone from the pre-2004 Series Red Sox. Nomar, Rich Garces, Toby Boreland, anyone but Mo.
Jose supposes he can take some comfort from the fact that evidence indicates that Mo did not try the stuff until the end of his career when he was with the Mets desperately trying resuscitate a deteriorating body ravaged by sore knees and fried dough. There is something less odious, though perhaps more pathetic, about an athlete using drugs to keep a career alive, rather than to go from good to great.
Still, it makes Jose weep. Mo Vaughn was his first baseball hero. Not his first favorite player, Jose was in college by the time Mo won the MVP, but the first player Jose truly saw as heroic. He was noble and decent and committed. And now what is he? A tragic hero, Jose supposes, a good man with a pronounced weakness for strippers and fleeting glory.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE MITCHELL REPORT.
*Except for Gagne and Donnelly
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE MITCHELL REPORT.
1.
1856 The Supreme Court rules that escaped slave Dred Scott, is property and cannot be taken away from his owner without due process.
1894 French soldier Alfred Dreyfus is convicted of passing military secrets to the Germans.
1986 Randy “Macho Man” Savage takes the Intercontinental Title from Tito Santana after hitting him with a foreign object (Note: In the last KEYS Jose claimed Tito Santana was part of the Can-Am Connection, not only is that wrong, it makes no sense, as Tito is Mexican. We regret the error.)
2007 Roger Clemens is accused of steroid abuse by Sen. George Mitchell.
Do you see where Jose is going with this? You must. There is injustice in the world. There has always been injustice. Some days, there is more than on others.
Sometimes injustice is driven by racism and greed. Other times it is caused by anti-Semitism. On still other occasions, it is due to an abhorrent lack of instant replay in professional wrestling. Yet today in our country injustice burns a little hotter, stings a little sharper, for in our national pastime, it has happened again. Bu not only has injustice transpired once more, it has taken a more odious form.
The victim of today’s injustice is not a slave, a Jew or even a Mexican. No he is a victim more reviled than even these once loathed classes. The sad soul is a white Christian millionaire. Yes, gasp. Gasp in horror at the evil in the world. And unlike those who have come before him this man, this poor pathetic man, does not even get the dignity of unjust imprisonment, loss of liberty or confiscation of property to illustrate his plight. His punishment is nothing less horrible than being named in a non-binding report to the Commissioner of Baseball that has no legal weight whatsoever and cannot result in any meaningful sanction.
Truly, Jose weeps for Roger Clemens.
Today’s injustice was not caused by bigotry or the lust for glory, but rather by a deviant devotion to empiricism and a madman’s commitment to the notion that overwhelming evidence is indicative of guilt. What would Jefferson say?
Yes, this is the kind of country we have become.
The United States of America is now a place where a man, a great man, a man who stood face to face with Jeff Suppan and almost won, can be openly slandered by a convicted felon, and never given the opportunity during the investigation to refute claims. Or more specifically, where a man who has several times almost made it through the first few innings of critical ALCS games can be given an opportunity to refute accusations, decline that opportunity, and then complain that there has never been an opportunity to dispute the story. If this continues rest assured that the disappearance of habeas corpus is next. Or possibly, before. Jose gets confused.
As you go to bed tonight, filled perhaps with shadenfreude or fahrvergnuegen, Jose want you to think: What if it were you?
What if you had just made tens of millions of dollars for a few below average innings on top of more than $100 million over the course of your career? What if you were regarded by many as the greatest pitcher of all time? Wouldn’t you trade it all away for a clean reputation? Wouldn’t you offer those achievements up like so many Jacoby Ellsburys and Jed Lowries for the Johann Santana of vindication?
No, you probably wouldn’t.
Jose weeps for the nation.
2. Jose is just wondering but did the Mitchell report say anything about Debbie Clemens and steroids? Have you seen her/him? Jose doesn’t want to say that she’s mannish or anything, but he’s heard that when Suzyn Waldman was gushing about Roger’s return to the Bronx, all noted she-he fan A-Rod could say was “Debbie’s back?” “Debbie’s BACK!!!!!!!!!”
If she's not on steroids, the only other possible explaination is a y chromosome3. Why did Mo have to be in there?
Mo Vaughan did it. He absolutely did it. They even have a check from him. The case against Mo Vaughn is tighter than Jeff Loria on Marlins payday.
There was a time when this would have broken Jose’s heart. That time was 2PM this afternoon. To Jose, Mo always represented what was good about baseball, what he loved about the game. Mo loved baseball, he loved Boston and he loved being a leader in the community. For Christ’s sake, Jose bought his children’s book “Follow Your Dreams” and got it autographed.
And now this. Jose would have preferred that it was anyone from the pre-2004 Series Red Sox. Nomar, Rich Garces, Toby Boreland, anyone but Mo.
Jose supposes he can take some comfort from the fact that evidence indicates that Mo did not try the stuff until the end of his career when he was with the Mets desperately trying resuscitate a deteriorating body ravaged by sore knees and fried dough. There is something less odious, though perhaps more pathetic, about an athlete using drugs to keep a career alive, rather than to go from good to great.
Still, it makes Jose weep. Mo Vaughn was his first baseball hero. Not his first favorite player, Jose was in college by the time Mo won the MVP, but the first player Jose truly saw as heroic. He was noble and decent and committed. And now what is he? A tragic hero, Jose supposes, a good man with a pronounced weakness for strippers and fleeting glory.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE MITCHELL REPORT.
Monday, December 3
Is Santana Claus Coming to Town?
BUY THE 2007 KEYS BOOK—BECAUSE WHO KNOWS IF SANTANA IS COMING DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.
1. You probably think that Jose has been taking it easy since the Red Sox won the World Series. And why wouldn’t you? He only wrote one entry in the entirety of November.
Yes, it’s true that Jose is looking to ease up on his workload this off-season after absolutely spending himself in the playoffs, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t staying actively involved in the hot stove season. For instance, Jose has been following the Johann Santana saga with enormous interest.
Jose thinks the Sox are playing the game brilliantly so far in offering a competitive package that will either win the star lefty or force the Yankees to overpay. Jose particularly likes the fact that with Jacoby Ellsbury now part of the deal, the Twins will have to include “another significant piece” in order to get Jon Lester as well. While most speculation has been that the piece would be either reliever Joe Nathan or his bullpen mate Pat Neshek, Jose believes that the media is way off on this one. The most likely extra piece appears to be former White Sox farm hand Norm Martel, who could combine with Santana to reform the legendary tag team Strikeforce. This would of course be followed by an ugly split and Martel starting a career as a male model.
However, the kink in this proposal is that if the Red Sox are prepared to call up Sanata’s previous tag team partner Charlie Zink (formerly Zenk) from the minors, Martel would be an unnecessary addition, as the Red Sox could look forward to having a new “Can-Am Connection” in the rotation.
But what if the Yankees do offer the better deal and manage to snag Santana? The Red Sox best bet then might be to acquire Winchester resident Brutus Beefcake and reunite him with his old tag team partner Bobby “The Hammer” Valentine in order to reform the “Dream Team.”
So don’t think that Jose hasn’t been thinking about the hot stove—he has. He just clearly hasn’t been thinking very hard about it.
2. Santana Claus Is Coming To Town
Jon Lester is out,
Jacoby’s now in,
His groupies will pout,
And we’ll lose Masterson,
Santana Claus is coming to town.
His changeup is great,
His fastball is nice,
We want him to pitch with Beckett and Dice,
Santana Claus is coming to town.
He comes from Venezuela,
Where Chavez reigns supreme,
But Johan will give Yanks more pain,
Than Hugo in his dreams.
Hank said he’d give up,
Both Melky and Hughes,
An offer that still, will probably lose,
Santana Claus is coming to town.
Santana Claus is coming to town.
3. Santana notwithstanding, there are lots of wonderful things going on this off-season. Perhaps most importantly Red Sox starter and KEYS BFF Curt Euro has endorsed Sen. John McCain for president and plans to campaign with the Arizona Senator. This comes shortly after the news that wrestling legend “Nature Boy” Ric Flair has endorsed former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.
These bold moves have left other campaigns in a quandary. With elderly yet active professional athletes becoming political king makers in the Republican party, Jose’s sources have reported that competition has grown intense for the endorsement of Carolina Panthers Quarterback Vinny Testaverde and Boxing legend Evander Holyfield.
Meanwhile, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has been aggressively seeking the endorsement of Roger Clemens, citing their numerous similarities:
· They both purport to love Massachusetts yet have done everything possible to make its residents look like jackasses.
· They are both obsessed with earning every last dollar no matter who it hurts.
· They both have large numbers of robotic sons with weird names.
· They are both on Jose’s sh*t list.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.
1. You probably think that Jose has been taking it easy since the Red Sox won the World Series. And why wouldn’t you? He only wrote one entry in the entirety of November.
Yes, it’s true that Jose is looking to ease up on his workload this off-season after absolutely spending himself in the playoffs, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t staying actively involved in the hot stove season. For instance, Jose has been following the Johann Santana saga with enormous interest.
Jose thinks the Sox are playing the game brilliantly so far in offering a competitive package that will either win the star lefty or force the Yankees to overpay. Jose particularly likes the fact that with Jacoby Ellsbury now part of the deal, the Twins will have to include “another significant piece” in order to get Jon Lester as well. While most speculation has been that the piece would be either reliever Joe Nathan or his bullpen mate Pat Neshek, Jose believes that the media is way off on this one. The most likely extra piece appears to be former White Sox farm hand Norm Martel, who could combine with Santana to reform the legendary tag team Strikeforce. This would of course be followed by an ugly split and Martel starting a career as a male model.
However, the kink in this proposal is that if the Red Sox are prepared to call up Sanata’s previous tag team partner Charlie Zink (formerly Zenk) from the minors, Martel would be an unnecessary addition, as the Red Sox could look forward to having a new “Can-Am Connection” in the rotation.
But what if the Yankees do offer the better deal and manage to snag Santana? The Red Sox best bet then might be to acquire Winchester resident Brutus Beefcake and reunite him with his old tag team partner Bobby “The Hammer” Valentine in order to reform the “Dream Team.”
So don’t think that Jose hasn’t been thinking about the hot stove—he has. He just clearly hasn’t been thinking very hard about it.
2. Santana Claus Is Coming To Town
Jon Lester is out,
Jacoby’s now in,
His groupies will pout,
And we’ll lose Masterson,
Santana Claus is coming to town.
His changeup is great,
His fastball is nice,
We want him to pitch with Beckett and Dice,
Santana Claus is coming to town.
He comes from Venezuela,
Where Chavez reigns supreme,
But Johan will give Yanks more pain,
Than Hugo in his dreams.
Hank said he’d give up,
Both Melky and Hughes,
An offer that still, will probably lose,
Santana Claus is coming to town.
Santana Claus is coming to town.
3. Santana notwithstanding, there are lots of wonderful things going on this off-season. Perhaps most importantly Red Sox starter and KEYS BFF Curt Euro has endorsed Sen. John McCain for president and plans to campaign with the Arizona Senator. This comes shortly after the news that wrestling legend “Nature Boy” Ric Flair has endorsed former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.
These bold moves have left other campaigns in a quandary. With elderly yet active professional athletes becoming political king makers in the Republican party, Jose’s sources have reported that competition has grown intense for the endorsement of Carolina Panthers Quarterback Vinny Testaverde and Boxing legend Evander Holyfield.
Meanwhile, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has been aggressively seeking the endorsement of Roger Clemens, citing their numerous similarities:
· They both purport to love Massachusetts yet have done everything possible to make its residents look like jackasses.
· They are both obsessed with earning every last dollar no matter who it hurts.
· They both have large numbers of robotic sons with weird names.
· They are both on Jose’s sh*t list.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.
Friday, September 14
If Jose Had a Hammer
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Some call it the greatest rivalry in sports, the Red Sox and the Yankees.
But not everyone.
There are people out there, shady and mysterious, who do not agree. They claim that it is no more a rivalry that the relationship between hammer and nail, or hammer and window, or hammer and the kneecap of a ratfink or hammer in the hand of an exceedingly dumb person and screw.
They argue, these linguists from the Bronx, that with the Red Sox on the losing end so often the word rivalry is simply inappropriate. Perhaps, they claim, the Red Sox and the Yankees are far more like hammer striking nail than two swords clashing. The Yankees are a hammer. The Red Sox are a nail. But maybe, these pinstriped professors of English do not truly understand the relationship between hammer and nail?
They imagine that the hammer, since it strikes the nail repeatedly, pounding it, crushing it with leaden blows, is the superior in the relationship, that the nail battered and abused is subject to the hammer’s steel will. But is it really? Think about the ultimate purpose of a nail, to fasten, to hold, to bind. A nail’s duty, its raison d’etre is to defy gravity. And how does it oppose such a fundamental force? By drawing strength from the blows of the hammer.
Imagine hanging a picture. If you simply hold a nail against the wall and then let go, the nail and with it the picture will crash to the ground. But what happens when you strike the nail with a hammer? With each blow, the nail gains power, with each heavy strike, the nail’s ability to defy gravity increases. Swing after swing after swing, the hammer lands heavy on the nail, its brute force increasing the strength of the nail, increasing its ability to hold up the picture, to fulfill its destiny. And when the final blow is struck, the nail reaches the zenith of its power, firm against the wall and immune to further blows. The hammer can strike the nail again and again, but the nail will not go any further, it has its position, and it will hold it no matter what.
Yes, the Yankees are the hammer and the Red Sox are the nail. And for years they have struck us, brutalized us, but the final blow was struck in 2003, Aaron Boone set the head of the nail that is the Boston Red Sox flush against the wall and when Mariano Rivera tried once again to swing the pinstriped hammer in 2004, it was powerless. The hammer had given too much strength, too much holding power to the nail, and the nail would yield no more.
So where are we now in this battle, this true rivalry between hammer and nail? We are at the end game of all clashes between hammer and nail, the hammer can do no more and the nail is at the peak of its might, guaranteed, forever, to hold up that picture frame we call the division lead.
2. As the Red Sox and Yankees head into the weekend series that will end the Yankees division championship chances, there are dozens of crucial questions swirling. Is Roger Clemens healthy? Can Mr. Matsu pull himself together? But none is more important, more hotly contested than this: If the 2007 New York Yankees were a 1980s sitcom which one would they be?
The nominees:
Silver Spoons
Similarities: About an incredibly spoiled rich kid learning life lessons. The Yankees are incredibly rich, and they’re about to be taught a lesson.
Differences: No train going through Yankee locker room yet. Jason Bateman—not a true Yankee.
Webster
Similarities: Brooding father figure named George. Bad haircuts (note: Ma’am’s) prominently featured.
Differences: Yankees have noticeable lack of loveable black orphans.
Mr. Belvedere
Similarities: Catchy theme songs.
Differences: Bob Uecker much better defensive catcher than Jorge Posada.
Perfect Strangers
Similarities: Yankees feature loveable immigrant (Wong) and nervous guy (A-Rod).
Differences: Balki already a well-established Red Sox icon.
Charles in Charge
Similarities: Olive skinned man tries to manage a bunch of idiots.
Differences: No one on Joe Torre’s staff is as smart as Buddy Lembeck
The Golden Girls
Similarities: Geriatrics always looking for sex.
Differences: Roger Clemens is older than Rue McClanahan and Derek Jeter is not quite as manly as Bea Arthur.
See. There are a lot of good comparisons but nothing is quite perfect. Maybe the best analogy is Rosanne, like the rotund actress, the Yankees are a disgrace when they appear on a baseball field.
3. Jose is going to miss the last hour of tonight’s game, as he has a social obligation, but he’s not going to videotape it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s just that he can’t really deal with a $500,000 fine right now.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Some call it the greatest rivalry in sports, the Red Sox and the Yankees.
But not everyone.
There are people out there, shady and mysterious, who do not agree. They claim that it is no more a rivalry that the relationship between hammer and nail, or hammer and window, or hammer and the kneecap of a ratfink or hammer in the hand of an exceedingly dumb person and screw.
They argue, these linguists from the Bronx, that with the Red Sox on the losing end so often the word rivalry is simply inappropriate. Perhaps, they claim, the Red Sox and the Yankees are far more like hammer striking nail than two swords clashing. The Yankees are a hammer. The Red Sox are a nail. But maybe, these pinstriped professors of English do not truly understand the relationship between hammer and nail?
They imagine that the hammer, since it strikes the nail repeatedly, pounding it, crushing it with leaden blows, is the superior in the relationship, that the nail battered and abused is subject to the hammer’s steel will. But is it really? Think about the ultimate purpose of a nail, to fasten, to hold, to bind. A nail’s duty, its raison d’etre is to defy gravity. And how does it oppose such a fundamental force? By drawing strength from the blows of the hammer.
Imagine hanging a picture. If you simply hold a nail against the wall and then let go, the nail and with it the picture will crash to the ground. But what happens when you strike the nail with a hammer? With each blow, the nail gains power, with each heavy strike, the nail’s ability to defy gravity increases. Swing after swing after swing, the hammer lands heavy on the nail, its brute force increasing the strength of the nail, increasing its ability to hold up the picture, to fulfill its destiny. And when the final blow is struck, the nail reaches the zenith of its power, firm against the wall and immune to further blows. The hammer can strike the nail again and again, but the nail will not go any further, it has its position, and it will hold it no matter what.
Yes, the Yankees are the hammer and the Red Sox are the nail. And for years they have struck us, brutalized us, but the final blow was struck in 2003, Aaron Boone set the head of the nail that is the Boston Red Sox flush against the wall and when Mariano Rivera tried once again to swing the pinstriped hammer in 2004, it was powerless. The hammer had given too much strength, too much holding power to the nail, and the nail would yield no more.
So where are we now in this battle, this true rivalry between hammer and nail? We are at the end game of all clashes between hammer and nail, the hammer can do no more and the nail is at the peak of its might, guaranteed, forever, to hold up that picture frame we call the division lead.
2. As the Red Sox and Yankees head into the weekend series that will end the Yankees division championship chances, there are dozens of crucial questions swirling. Is Roger Clemens healthy? Can Mr. Matsu pull himself together? But none is more important, more hotly contested than this: If the 2007 New York Yankees were a 1980s sitcom which one would they be?
The nominees:
Silver Spoons
Similarities: About an incredibly spoiled rich kid learning life lessons. The Yankees are incredibly rich, and they’re about to be taught a lesson.
Differences: No train going through Yankee locker room yet. Jason Bateman—not a true Yankee.
Webster
Similarities: Brooding father figure named George. Bad haircuts (note: Ma’am’s) prominently featured.
Differences: Yankees have noticeable lack of loveable black orphans.
Mr. Belvedere
Similarities: Catchy theme songs.
Differences: Bob Uecker much better defensive catcher than Jorge Posada.
Perfect Strangers
Similarities: Yankees feature loveable immigrant (Wong) and nervous guy (A-Rod).
Differences: Balki already a well-established Red Sox icon.
Charles in Charge
Similarities: Olive skinned man tries to manage a bunch of idiots.
Differences: No one on Joe Torre’s staff is as smart as Buddy Lembeck
The Golden Girls
Similarities: Geriatrics always looking for sex.
Differences: Roger Clemens is older than Rue McClanahan and Derek Jeter is not quite as manly as Bea Arthur.
See. There are a lot of good comparisons but nothing is quite perfect. Maybe the best analogy is Rosanne, like the rotund actress, the Yankees are a disgrace when they appear on a baseball field.
3. Jose is going to miss the last hour of tonight’s game, as he has a social obligation, but he’s not going to videotape it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s just that he can’t really deal with a $500,000 fine right now.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, August 24
Hot Sox on Sox Action Featuring "Mature" Pitcher
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As Jose writes this, he is going to assume that the Red Sox are going to win Game 1 of today’s day-night doubleheader. Why not? Starting game threads comes pregnant with responsibility, namely the responsibility of starting game threads, and it is not as though Jose can sit around in the middle of the day writing KEYS. Unlike, Cesar Crespo, he has a job.
Thus, he is going to simply assume that someone bought the KEYS thong requisite for a victory and that the matchup of St. Josh a Beckett and Judy Garland is enough to ensure the victory.
But what to write? Jose usually depends on the events of the game the night before to drive the KEYS and with Jose writing this before the first game, that is simply not an option. So instead, Jose thought he would offer a bit of a tutorial on how he comes up with KEYS, sort of a behind the scenes “The Making of KEYS TO THE GAME” piece. Ideally, Jose would do this by watching himself write KEYS and writing about writing KEYS as he writes KEYS, but there is a problem with that, as Jose is only one man. On the upside, that still makes Jose one man more than Roger Clemens.
The process of writing KEYS typically begins the night before a game, as Jose observes the evening’s contest. Much like a reporter, Jose jots down notes for the piece to be published the next day as he watches. However, Jose does not do it exactly like a reporter. For instance, Jose watches without under contempt for the people in the stands. Jose uses a complicated note taking system which involves writing observations on the backs of receipts, business cards or parts of his anatomy whenever he notices something that could be good for the next day. Alternatively, when a writing implement is unavailable, Jose uses a backup system of turning to whoever he is with and saying “remember this.” Jose knows it doesn’t sound too professional but it is exactly the same system used by Carl Bernstein. One of the great untold secrets of Watergate was that Bernstein had “Deep Throat is Mark Felt” written on his arm, only he accidentally used indelible ink, so the great secret was printed on his bicep for 30 years.
Jose, of course, learned from that experience and did not use indelible ink. While this sounds like a good idea, it is somewhat problematic, as Jose typically takes a shower post game and washes off all of the good ideas he has had over the course of the evening. On the upside, it also washes off ideas like nicknaming DJ Dru, DJ Pew. And thank God for that. The other problem is Jose occasionally hands out business cards without always checking what’s on the back, leaving him in constant fear of inadvertently handing an important colleague a card with something like “Bowel cancer: Good analogy for A-Rod?” on the back. On the upside no one would ever figure out what it said as Jose’s penmanship is so poor as to make his normal handwriting a far more difficult code to break than anything produced by the enigma machine.
Thus, freshly showered and shaved, Jose moves into the second part of the routine, combing through evening game stories for new ideas. After reading the stories, Jose goes to bed meditating on the content as he moves through immigration to Queen Mab’s realm.
When Jose is lucky, he has lucid baseball dreams, providing content for the morning’s work. When he is not, he has lucid dreams about needing to complete his senior year of high school or losing his teeth.
When Jose awakens in the morning, he lays in bed for ten minutes or so processing the previous evening’s game, and then it’s time to hit the papers. This is where the serious work is done. Most of Jose’s content emerges during this time as he goes through a simple routine.
1. As Jose writes this, he is going to assume that the Red Sox are going to win Game 1 of today’s day-night doubleheader. Why not? Starting game threads comes pregnant with responsibility, namely the responsibility of starting game threads, and it is not as though Jose can sit around in the middle of the day writing KEYS. Unlike, Cesar Crespo, he has a job.
Thus, he is going to simply assume that someone bought the KEYS thong requisite for a victory and that the matchup of St. Josh a Beckett and Judy Garland is enough to ensure the victory.
But what to write? Jose usually depends on the events of the game the night before to drive the KEYS and with Jose writing this before the first game, that is simply not an option. So instead, Jose thought he would offer a bit of a tutorial on how he comes up with KEYS, sort of a behind the scenes “The Making of KEYS TO THE GAME” piece. Ideally, Jose would do this by watching himself write KEYS and writing about writing KEYS as he writes KEYS, but there is a problem with that, as Jose is only one man. On the upside, that still makes Jose one man more than Roger Clemens.
The process of writing KEYS typically begins the night before a game, as Jose observes the evening’s contest. Much like a reporter, Jose jots down notes for the piece to be published the next day as he watches. However, Jose does not do it exactly like a reporter. For instance, Jose watches without under contempt for the people in the stands. Jose uses a complicated note taking system which involves writing observations on the backs of receipts, business cards or parts of his anatomy whenever he notices something that could be good for the next day. Alternatively, when a writing implement is unavailable, Jose uses a backup system of turning to whoever he is with and saying “remember this.” Jose knows it doesn’t sound too professional but it is exactly the same system used by Carl Bernstein. One of the great untold secrets of Watergate was that Bernstein had “Deep Throat is Mark Felt” written on his arm, only he accidentally used indelible ink, so the great secret was printed on his bicep for 30 years.
Jose, of course, learned from that experience and did not use indelible ink. While this sounds like a good idea, it is somewhat problematic, as Jose typically takes a shower post game and washes off all of the good ideas he has had over the course of the evening. On the upside, it also washes off ideas like nicknaming DJ Dru, DJ Pew. And thank God for that. The other problem is Jose occasionally hands out business cards without always checking what’s on the back, leaving him in constant fear of inadvertently handing an important colleague a card with something like “Bowel cancer: Good analogy for A-Rod?” on the back. On the upside no one would ever figure out what it said as Jose’s penmanship is so poor as to make his normal handwriting a far more difficult code to break than anything produced by the enigma machine.
Thus, freshly showered and shaved, Jose moves into the second part of the routine, combing through evening game stories for new ideas. After reading the stories, Jose goes to bed meditating on the content as he moves through immigration to Queen Mab’s realm.
When Jose is lucky, he has lucid baseball dreams, providing content for the morning’s work. When he is not, he has lucid dreams about needing to complete his senior year of high school or losing his teeth.
When Jose awakens in the morning, he lays in bed for ten minutes or so processing the previous evening’s game, and then it’s time to hit the papers. This is where the serious work is done. Most of Jose’s content emerges during this time as he goes through a simple routine.
- Look through the opponent’s roster and see if anyone has a name who can be made fun of.
- Read the quotes in all Red Sox articles to see if there’s anything that can be taken out of context.
- See if there is any actual news that requires comment.
By the time Jose has gone through this process he usually has one or perhaps even two KEYS in concept. Thus, Jose sits down and pounds out the first two KEYS of the morning as he downs his first three or four cups of coffee.
Then comes the rub. Jose sits there straining desperately to come up with a third KEY, wondering why on Earth he didn’t decide to make KEYS a two part exercise back in May of 2004, and knowing that he has about ten minutes until he has to get ready for work. Feeling as stressed as Calvin Schiraldi in October, Jose works through the following failsafe cycle:
- Can he compare yesterday’s game to Survivor Series 1992?
- Does Mike Lowell have anything in common with The Mighty Thor or possibly the Micronauts?
- What mean can Jose say about DJ Dru?
- What about feminine hygiene? Anything? What about comparing Manny Ramirez to one of those belts women used to hold hygienic pads in place back in the old days “sort of silly, but important?”
- F*** A-Rod.
By then Jose usually has three hastily constructed KEYS and nothing left to do except add in the typos you all love so much. And if he’s not done by then, screw you guys. Jose’s not getting paid, he doesn’t owe you anything
2. Jose has been reconsidering his support of capitalism lately. Maybe it’s not so great after all. Jose has always been pro-capitalist, though not a laissez faire fellow. Communism always seemed sort of stupid and childish to him, but maybe he had it backward.
What has prompted this reconsideration is the fact that Jose learned this week that MonDonald’s has gone out of business. MonDonald’s is a Mongolian knock off of McDonald’s that Jose has written about before and long aspired to visit. But no more. Shielded by the nurturing Stalinism of the world’s second communist state, MonDonald’s was able to grow and thrive, but in the brave new capitalist Mongolia, there is simply no room for a humble business that aggressively poaches on intellectual property. For shame.
Imagine of the Cincinnati Reds were to suddenly shut down the Red Sox on the grounds that the name was nothing more than theft of the Cincinnati Red Stockings brand first used in 1871. Would you feel good about? Would you be happy that the almighty trademark had come above honor and tradition?
Neither would Jose. It’s why he refuses to call the WWF the WWE and why he weeps for Mongolia.
3. The Red Sox signed utility infielder Royce Clayton to a minor league contract. Jose is happy about this on several levels. First, Clayton provides good insurance for the utility spot. Second, it gives the organization two names Jose can make Clay-midia jokes about for the first time since Cla Meredith was dealt to San Diego in the ill fitted Mirabelli deal. Jose likes having that kind of organizational depth. Finally, Jose really likes his versatility. Jose can quip about how we have a guy who is a badass Brazilian dude who always wins UFC or compare him to a luxury car. That’s exactly what you want out of a utility man.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, July 5
The Goddess of Divine Retribution
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Nemesis.
In Greek mythology she was the goddess of divine retribution, the avenger of hubris, or, more abstractly, the notion that people will get what they deserve. In the Marvel Super Heroes role playing game, it was the power to counter any opponent's power (note to nerds: think of the sentinel Nimrod). And in Star Trek, it was a really lame movie, though maybe not quite as lame as the one with F. Murray Abraham,
And today, Nemesis is Joey Chestnut, and she is a civil engineering student from San Jose California.
Until yesterday, the legendary Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese Eating Machine, had been unrivaled, undefeated by man, having lost only to a Kodiak bear on Fox’s Man vs. Beast. But no more. Kobayashi went down to ignominious defeat at the hand of Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, in the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship at Coney Island before a live crowd of 30,000 and millions more on television, including your Boston Red Sox, who were poised to take the field mere minutes after a “Reversal of Fortune” ended Kobayashi’s day.
But is Kobayashi less for having met his nemesis, for finally having succumbed?
In a way, of course he is. He is no longer undefeated and unrivaled. But in another way, a real way, the defeat has made him all the greater, because it enhances his narrative. Every Holmes needs his Moriarty; every Maggie Simpson needs the baby with the one eyebrow. The Red Sox have the Yankees. Roger Clemens had Dave Stewart. Mariano Rivera had Bill Mueller. Mickey Mantle had the bottle. Ali had Frazier. Thurman Munson had gravity. Chamberlain had Russell. Bird had Magic. Billy Martin had a bridge abutment.
And were any of them lesser for having the rival, for having met their match? Well, Clemens, who never got by Dave Stewart (note: or Jeff Suppan) but not the others. Nemesis is part of the heroic narrative (note: okay, technically it’s part of the tragic archetype, but give Jose a break, his nemesis is factual accuracy), and it is this very struggle of hero vs. nemesis, thesis vs. antithesis, that transforms the merely great into synthesis of legend. (Note: Yes, Jose is using the hot dog eating contest as dialectic.)
Rocky Marciano never met his match, but was he truly the greater for it? Who knows what heights he could have reached had he been pushed? This is America. And on this day after the celebration of our independence, we do well to recall that competition is at the core of our national identity. It is the competition of ideas, of men, of teams, of businesses that drives excellence, that creates brilliance.
So, congratulations to Joey Chestnut, and congratulations to Takeru Kobayashi. You need each other, you deserve each other, and you will transform each other from men into myth.
2. Halfway through the season, the Red Sox hold an 11.5 game lead over the second place Blue Jays and a 12 game lead over the third place Yankees, and they have 16 games remaining against the lowly Tampax Bay DRays. That means that for better or for worse (note: for better), the Red Sox’s ability to take the division will be determined largely by their ability to beat up on one of the worst teams in baseball.
While this is good news for the Sox’s chances to take the division, it is bad news for fans of drama and excitement. It is more anticlimactic than a night with A-Rod.
It does not follow an appropriate dramatic arc for the heroes to vanquish the lowest of the low in the last act. Did Return of the Jedi end with Luke Skywalker having a light saber duel with a Jawa? Nope. (Note: Though having the Empire go down to Ewoks isn’t that far off.) Having the Red Sox beat up on the DRays to secure an AL East title is like having a Goomba as the big boss at the end of Super Mario Brothers. It is like having the Hulk Hogan vs. Barry Horowitz as the WrestleMania main event. It is like having Spiderman 4 feature Rocket Racer or the Gibbon as the villain.
Anticlimax fever—catch it!
1. Nemesis.
In Greek mythology she was the goddess of divine retribution, the avenger of hubris, or, more abstractly, the notion that people will get what they deserve. In the Marvel Super Heroes role playing game, it was the power to counter any opponent's power (note to nerds: think of the sentinel Nimrod). And in Star Trek, it was a really lame movie, though maybe not quite as lame as the one with F. Murray Abraham,
And today, Nemesis is Joey Chestnut, and she is a civil engineering student from San Jose California.
Until yesterday, the legendary Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese Eating Machine, had been unrivaled, undefeated by man, having lost only to a Kodiak bear on Fox’s Man vs. Beast. But no more. Kobayashi went down to ignominious defeat at the hand of Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, in the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship at Coney Island before a live crowd of 30,000 and millions more on television, including your Boston Red Sox, who were poised to take the field mere minutes after a “Reversal of Fortune” ended Kobayashi’s day.
But is Kobayashi less for having met his nemesis, for finally having succumbed?
In a way, of course he is. He is no longer undefeated and unrivaled. But in another way, a real way, the defeat has made him all the greater, because it enhances his narrative. Every Holmes needs his Moriarty; every Maggie Simpson needs the baby with the one eyebrow. The Red Sox have the Yankees. Roger Clemens had Dave Stewart. Mariano Rivera had Bill Mueller. Mickey Mantle had the bottle. Ali had Frazier. Thurman Munson had gravity. Chamberlain had Russell. Bird had Magic. Billy Martin had a bridge abutment.
And were any of them lesser for having the rival, for having met their match? Well, Clemens, who never got by Dave Stewart (note: or Jeff Suppan) but not the others. Nemesis is part of the heroic narrative (note: okay, technically it’s part of the tragic archetype, but give Jose a break, his nemesis is factual accuracy), and it is this very struggle of hero vs. nemesis, thesis vs. antithesis, that transforms the merely great into synthesis of legend. (Note: Yes, Jose is using the hot dog eating contest as dialectic.)
Rocky Marciano never met his match, but was he truly the greater for it? Who knows what heights he could have reached had he been pushed? This is America. And on this day after the celebration of our independence, we do well to recall that competition is at the core of our national identity. It is the competition of ideas, of men, of teams, of businesses that drives excellence, that creates brilliance.
So, congratulations to Joey Chestnut, and congratulations to Takeru Kobayashi. You need each other, you deserve each other, and you will transform each other from men into myth.
2. Halfway through the season, the Red Sox hold an 11.5 game lead over the second place Blue Jays and a 12 game lead over the third place Yankees, and they have 16 games remaining against the lowly Tampax Bay DRays. That means that for better or for worse (note: for better), the Red Sox’s ability to take the division will be determined largely by their ability to beat up on one of the worst teams in baseball.
While this is good news for the Sox’s chances to take the division, it is bad news for fans of drama and excitement. It is more anticlimactic than a night with A-Rod.
It does not follow an appropriate dramatic arc for the heroes to vanquish the lowest of the low in the last act. Did Return of the Jedi end with Luke Skywalker having a light saber duel with a Jawa? Nope. (Note: Though having the Empire go down to Ewoks isn’t that far off.) Having the Red Sox beat up on the DRays to secure an AL East title is like having a Goomba as the big boss at the end of Super Mario Brothers. It is like having the Hulk Hogan vs. Barry Horowitz as the WrestleMania main event. It is like having Spiderman 4 feature Rocket Racer or the Gibbon as the villain.
Anticlimax fever—catch it!
Tampa Manager Joe Maddon
prepares for 16 with the Sox
3. With fewer than eight hours to go, Hideki Okajima retains his lead in the election to be added on to the A.L. All-Star team, over Roy Halliday, Jeremy Bonderman, Kelvim Escobar and Pat Neshik.
Reports out of Detroit confirm that Jeremy Bonderman, in an effort to overtake Okajima, has contracted former Florida Secretary of State and Congresswoman Katherine Harris to work on the vote. Harris’ duties will reportedly include, disenfranchising Japanese voters, on the ground that they’re “furners” and hiring Diebold to ensure that any vote cast for Okajima is registered as a vote for Pat Buchanan .
In a related story, by participating in the election process, Harris replaces Julian Tavarez as the most batsh*t insane person associated with Major League Baseball.
3. With fewer than eight hours to go, Hideki Okajima retains his lead in the election to be added on to the A.L. All-Star team, over Roy Halliday, Jeremy Bonderman, Kelvim Escobar and Pat Neshik.
Reports out of Detroit confirm that Jeremy Bonderman, in an effort to overtake Okajima, has contracted former Florida Secretary of State and Congresswoman Katherine Harris to work on the vote. Harris’ duties will reportedly include, disenfranchising Japanese voters, on the ground that they’re “furners” and hiring Diebold to ensure that any vote cast for Okajima is registered as a vote for Pat Buchanan .
In a related story, by participating in the election process, Harris replaces Julian Tavarez as the most batsh*t insane person associated with Major League Baseball.
Battle of the Titans: Who's Crazier?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, June 1
Mine and the Shaft
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. After much consideration, consultation and contemplation, Jose has determined that Alex Rodriguez’s decision to yell “mine” while heading to third against the Blue Jays two nights ago, thereby causing a pop up to fall between fielders was, in fact, “bush.” (Note: Bush being a baseball term derived from the current president meaning incompetent, wrongheaded and immature.)
It’s not bush because it was deceptive, rather it was bush because it was illegal. The Major League baseball rulebook clearly states that “Offensive interference is an act by the team at bat which interferes with, obstructs, impedes, hinders or confuses any fielder attempting to make a play.”
What A-Rod did was clearly an effort to confuse, and he should have been called out.
The problem is not that A-Rod yelled, but that he yelled “mine,” which is really confusing to fielders trying to avoid a collision. Had he yelled “ha” as he claimed, there would have been no problem, unless one regards yelling out for shrimp in Chinese as “confusing.”
What’s frustrating is that there are so many things he could have yelled that would not have constituted interference. He could have yelled:
1. After much consideration, consultation and contemplation, Jose has determined that Alex Rodriguez’s decision to yell “mine” while heading to third against the Blue Jays two nights ago, thereby causing a pop up to fall between fielders was, in fact, “bush.” (Note: Bush being a baseball term derived from the current president meaning incompetent, wrongheaded and immature.)
It’s not bush because it was deceptive, rather it was bush because it was illegal. The Major League baseball rulebook clearly states that “Offensive interference is an act by the team at bat which interferes with, obstructs, impedes, hinders or confuses any fielder attempting to make a play.”
What A-Rod did was clearly an effort to confuse, and he should have been called out.
The problem is not that A-Rod yelled, but that he yelled “mine,” which is really confusing to fielders trying to avoid a collision. Had he yelled “ha” as he claimed, there would have been no problem, unless one regards yelling out for shrimp in Chinese as “confusing.”
What’s frustrating is that there are so many things he could have yelled that would not have constituted interference. He could have yelled:
- I have a boner right now
- Jumanji
- I had sex with your wife
- The blond I was with was really a man
- I AM YELLING
- Hammer Time
- Meca leca hi meca hiny ho
- I have Smurf lips
Any of those might have worked and yet been totally legal, distracting but not confusing, yet A-Rod chose to yell the one thing that was illegal. Why did he do it? Because he knew it would work. It’s like the old Smothers Brothers bit:
Tom (singing): I fell into a vat of chocolate. I fell into a vat of
chocolate...Dick (singing): What’d you do when you fell in the chocolate?
Both: La dee doo dum la dee doo dum day...
Tom (singing): I yelled ‘fire’ when I fell into the chocolate...
Dick (annoyed, singing): Why’d you yell ‘fire’ when you fell into the
chocolate?Tom: I yelled ‘fire’ cause no one would help me if I yelled ‘Chocolate!’
A-rod yelled, “mine" because nobody would have dropped the ball if he’d yelled chocolate. Well, maybe noted chocoholic Troy “Yummy” O’Leary, but he wasn’t playing third.
2. The New York Post, in its ongoing pursuit of a Pulitzer, ran a follow up this morning on the mysterious blond woman Alex Rodriguez was seen with early this week at a Toronto strip club.
The Post identified the woman (note: Jose will not name her in accordance with his longstanding policy of not naming women who have sex with New York Yankees) as a 30 year old exotic dancer originally from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. This is a the latest in a long series of instances wherein Rodriguez has demonstrated questionable judgment. When asked for comment on why he would be having an affair with a 30 year old stripper rather than one of the many 22 year old groupies Rodriguez responded “I was excited running around third base. I don’t know what my intention was.” (Note: Real A-Rod quote!)
Stranger still is that the Post reported that in 2004, the Dallas Observer had reported that Rodriguez had been seen on two occasions at a swingers club. Wouldn’t a striker outers club me more his style?
When asked whether he was having sex with the stripper, Rodriguez claims to have simply exclaimed “ha,” but eyewitnesses and video confirm that he pointed toward her rear end and yelled “mine.”
Cynthia Rodriguez was unavailable for comment. (Note: Yes, this violates the no naming women having sex with Yankees policy, but since A-Rod is blatantly fooling around and his child is 2 ½ years old, Jose figures that’s more than three years since they last had marital relations, making Cynthia fair game.)
Jose has no policy against showing pictures of women having sex with Yankees.
3. As a self-conscious fellow, Roger Clemens is, of course, well aware that he shares a last name with legendary writer and wit Samuels Clemens who wrote under the name Mark Twain.
Samuels Clemens chose the name Mark Twain because in his days working the river boats river boatman would yell out “Mark Twain” when the depth decreased to the minimum safe depth of two fathoms. In tribute Roger Clemens will adopt a pen name based on things yelled around him, so upon his eventual retirement, look for a book authored by a man named either “Whereis Roger” or “Fat Traitor.” That is assuming Clemens is literate.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO GAME.
Tuesday, May 8
Get With the Losing Team
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Once, there was a man.
He was a great man, a rewriter of history, the idol and envy of millions. From modest beginnings, he rose to become greater than any before him, to become, perhaps, the greatest of all. But you know what happens to the great don’t you? Pride flows from power, heroism becomes hubris and nemesis, as the Greeks might say, is a bitch.
From his height of power, from the peak of his influence, he had nothing left to do save submit to Newton’s cruel discovery and fall, fall ever faster to Earth. Into exile he went, a comfortable exile an exile softened by all the riches of the age, but an exile nevertheless, away from the power, away from the intrigue and off to a gilded prison.
But for great men, a comfortable retirement is no comfort at all. Power is the only comfort, adulation the only opiate. And so he escaped from his exile, as fate demanded. Oh, he escaped with visions of glory restored, power reclaimed and in short order those visions were fulfilled. Hysterical woman screamed his name, praising the nobility of his return, weeping, saluting what seemed an inevitable restoration of a powerful and feared empire.
His name, you might be surprised to hear, was not Roger Clemens. Not at all.
This is the story of quite a different author of history, one of smaller stature than Clemens, and with, remarkably, a smaller ego to boot. You have, perhaps, heard of him. His was called Napoleon Bonaparte.
On March 1, 1815, Napoleon returned to France, having escaped from exile in Elba, that Houston of the Mediterranean, and, after converting the French Fifth Regiment of the Line to his cause upon encountering them at Grenoble quickly regained his position as Emperor of France.
Like Napoleon before him, Roger Clemens returns in dramatic fashion, taking in the cheers at Yankee Stadium, like Napoleon on that first day of March. Clemens standing in the owner’s box might as well have declared “Soldiers of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now.” And he might as well have been greeted with cheers of "Vive L'Empereur!"
But the story does not end there. Nor does it proceed neatly to the French Empire reclaiming the continent. For all of the enthusiasm his return generated, Napoleon’s restoration ended a scant 100 days later in disaster.
And with barely more than 100 days left in the baseball season why should the Clemens restoration end any differently than that of Napoleon? Is Clemens a greater man? Is he more heroic? Has he faced adversity with more bravado?
No, he has not. No he is not. Like Napoleon before him, Clemens comes to save, to restore an empire that has crumbled, that has turned to dust as luxury, as decadence, as an endless thirst for domination overextends resources and engenders a certain incurable madness.
And like Napoleon the crowds may cheers Clemens’ return, they may envision a restoration of the grandeur that was. But like Napoleon, Clemens will battle his Wellington, he will meet his Waterloo and he will end up on his St. Helena.
2. You know who Jose blames for Clemens signing with the Yankees? Grady Little.
Now this isn’t a reflexive thing, like Jose automatically blaming Grady for a warehouse fire in Lawrence or World War I, this is serious. Grady is responsible, because he attempted to change destiny, which, as anyone who has read Oedipus Rex or seen Terminator 3 knows, is impossible.
Roger Clemens is fated, absolutely guaranteed, to end his career by picking up the loss in a pathetic performance against the Boston Red Sox.
The script was written. Game 7, 2003 ALCS and a Roger Clemens who has vowed to retire is nothing short of pathetic. His last game ever, will be a classic Clemens playoff implosion against the soon to be World Champion Red Sox. Except Grady attempts to alter the future. He kneecaps John Wilkes Booth, he poisons FDR, he hand delivers the Zimmerman Telegram, he does everything he can to fight off destiny when he leaves Pedro in and the Red Sox lose. Thus, Clemens goes on to pitch again.
But you can’t fight destiny any more than you can fight nightmares. It just keeps coming.
Since that day, Jose has been waiting for a season ending match up between Clemens and the Red Sox, such that the circle may be closed. He thought we would have it in 2004 when Clemens’ Astros nearly battled the Red Sox in the World Series, but Clemens couldn’t overcome the kryptonite that is Jeff Suppan.
So Jose has waited, waited each year as Clemens has put off retirement again and again, waited as he has taunted and teased Red Sox fans with the prospect of a return, waited for the final chapter. And here it is. Roger Clemens is, once more, a Yankee. And his last start of this season, the last start of his career, will come against these Boston Red Sox. Clemens will collapse. The Red Sox will win. Destiny will take its bounty.
3. Last year as Roger went through his absurd little process, Jose compared him to Italy in World War I, waiting to see who was most likely to triumph before jumping in with the winning team in return for a stunning ransom. It is now clear that this analogy was incorrect. For the second straight year, Clemens has chosen to go after the king’s ransom, but he has chosen to do so with a losing team. Thus, Jose would like to formally apologize to the nation of Italy circa World War I for the comparison. For you to be like Clemens, you would have had to assess the situation, bide your time and then join up with the Central Powers shortly after the Second Battle of the Somme in 1918, once defeat was assured. Jose regrets the inaccuracy.
Jose would like to find a substitute historical analogy, but he is, as yet, unable to find any nation, any person, so eager to freely choose what will clearly be the losing side in any conflict. It appears, that in the entire history of statecraft, there is no one as stupid or as arrogant as Roger Clemens.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Once, there was a man.
He was a great man, a rewriter of history, the idol and envy of millions. From modest beginnings, he rose to become greater than any before him, to become, perhaps, the greatest of all. But you know what happens to the great don’t you? Pride flows from power, heroism becomes hubris and nemesis, as the Greeks might say, is a bitch.
From his height of power, from the peak of his influence, he had nothing left to do save submit to Newton’s cruel discovery and fall, fall ever faster to Earth. Into exile he went, a comfortable exile an exile softened by all the riches of the age, but an exile nevertheless, away from the power, away from the intrigue and off to a gilded prison.
But for great men, a comfortable retirement is no comfort at all. Power is the only comfort, adulation the only opiate. And so he escaped from his exile, as fate demanded. Oh, he escaped with visions of glory restored, power reclaimed and in short order those visions were fulfilled. Hysterical woman screamed his name, praising the nobility of his return, weeping, saluting what seemed an inevitable restoration of a powerful and feared empire.
His name, you might be surprised to hear, was not Roger Clemens. Not at all.
This is the story of quite a different author of history, one of smaller stature than Clemens, and with, remarkably, a smaller ego to boot. You have, perhaps, heard of him. His was called Napoleon Bonaparte.
On March 1, 1815, Napoleon returned to France, having escaped from exile in Elba, that Houston of the Mediterranean, and, after converting the French Fifth Regiment of the Line to his cause upon encountering them at Grenoble quickly regained his position as Emperor of France.
Like Napoleon before him, Roger Clemens returns in dramatic fashion, taking in the cheers at Yankee Stadium, like Napoleon on that first day of March. Clemens standing in the owner’s box might as well have declared “Soldiers of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now.” And he might as well have been greeted with cheers of "Vive L'Empereur!"
But the story does not end there. Nor does it proceed neatly to the French Empire reclaiming the continent. For all of the enthusiasm his return generated, Napoleon’s restoration ended a scant 100 days later in disaster.
And with barely more than 100 days left in the baseball season why should the Clemens restoration end any differently than that of Napoleon? Is Clemens a greater man? Is he more heroic? Has he faced adversity with more bravado?
No, he has not. No he is not. Like Napoleon before him, Clemens comes to save, to restore an empire that has crumbled, that has turned to dust as luxury, as decadence, as an endless thirst for domination overextends resources and engenders a certain incurable madness.
And like Napoleon the crowds may cheers Clemens’ return, they may envision a restoration of the grandeur that was. But like Napoleon, Clemens will battle his Wellington, he will meet his Waterloo and he will end up on his St. Helena.
Seperated at birth?
2. You know who Jose blames for Clemens signing with the Yankees? Grady Little.
Now this isn’t a reflexive thing, like Jose automatically blaming Grady for a warehouse fire in Lawrence or World War I, this is serious. Grady is responsible, because he attempted to change destiny, which, as anyone who has read Oedipus Rex or seen Terminator 3 knows, is impossible.
Roger Clemens is fated, absolutely guaranteed, to end his career by picking up the loss in a pathetic performance against the Boston Red Sox.
The script was written. Game 7, 2003 ALCS and a Roger Clemens who has vowed to retire is nothing short of pathetic. His last game ever, will be a classic Clemens playoff implosion against the soon to be World Champion Red Sox. Except Grady attempts to alter the future. He kneecaps John Wilkes Booth, he poisons FDR, he hand delivers the Zimmerman Telegram, he does everything he can to fight off destiny when he leaves Pedro in and the Red Sox lose. Thus, Clemens goes on to pitch again.
But you can’t fight destiny any more than you can fight nightmares. It just keeps coming.
Since that day, Jose has been waiting for a season ending match up between Clemens and the Red Sox, such that the circle may be closed. He thought we would have it in 2004 when Clemens’ Astros nearly battled the Red Sox in the World Series, but Clemens couldn’t overcome the kryptonite that is Jeff Suppan.
So Jose has waited, waited each year as Clemens has put off retirement again and again, waited as he has taunted and teased Red Sox fans with the prospect of a return, waited for the final chapter. And here it is. Roger Clemens is, once more, a Yankee. And his last start of this season, the last start of his career, will come against these Boston Red Sox. Clemens will collapse. The Red Sox will win. Destiny will take its bounty.
3. Last year as Roger went through his absurd little process, Jose compared him to Italy in World War I, waiting to see who was most likely to triumph before jumping in with the winning team in return for a stunning ransom. It is now clear that this analogy was incorrect. For the second straight year, Clemens has chosen to go after the king’s ransom, but he has chosen to do so with a losing team. Thus, Jose would like to formally apologize to the nation of Italy circa World War I for the comparison. For you to be like Clemens, you would have had to assess the situation, bide your time and then join up with the Central Powers shortly after the Second Battle of the Somme in 1918, once defeat was assured. Jose regrets the inaccuracy.
Jose would like to find a substitute historical analogy, but he is, as yet, unable to find any nation, any person, so eager to freely choose what will clearly be the losing side in any conflict. It appears, that in the entire history of statecraft, there is no one as stupid or as arrogant as Roger Clemens.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
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