Tuesday, August 31

From SosH: Re: August 31st - Curt on home Land


Today is the day. Tonight is the night. And yesterday, thankfully is yesterday. Jose hates off days. For one thing, Jose has a terrible time writing KEYS after an off day. He has to spend twice as long getting his fingers loose, and the KEYS never seem to have the same pop as on his regular zero days rest. He started the blog partly to give him a place to “throw on the side” on off days, but we’ll see if it makes a difference.

After an off day, Jose also has to hold on to the paper from the previous day lest he forget about some important nugget from yesterday’s news. As a result, Jose carries around two to four newspapers in his courier bag. The only way he could be a bigger fire hazard is if he carried around some oily rags and Heathcliff Slocumb too. (Note: Jose originally used Bob Stanley in this joke. Which is funnier? What about Jeff Russell? Or Ken Ryan?)

The other reason Jose hates off days is the same reason as everyone else. What the hell is he going to do with himself if there’s no game to watch? Last night Jose got stuck flipping between World Series of Poker reruns, WWF RAW, the Republican Convention, and Adlai Stevenson’s Democratic Convention acceptance speech from either 1952 or 1956. And you know what? So that’s a choice between old cards, a wrestling card, Andy Card and…crap, Jose can’t think of anything having to do with a card for Adlai. But all Jose really wanted was to focus on the wild card. Tonight that can happen. (Note: Adlai had them all beat. When Adlai Stevenson is the most dynamic, interesting thing one can find for amusement, that, friends, is a reason to hate off days.)

2. Thankfully, Jose has a Tony Castrati column to grease the skids on this particular off day.

Castrati Uncharacteristically Optimistic

What TC says: “Looking back, they almost always have had a true ace.”

What TC means: I spent last night watching the World Series of Poker too.

What TC says: “The Red Sox always have had someone at the front of their pitching rotation on whom they could pin their perennial championship hopes.”

What TC means: Perennial championship hopes, goat horns, whatever.

What TC says: “’It's up there,' said knuckleballer Tim Wakefield, the senior statesman of the Red Sox”

What TC means: Senior statesman…yup, I watched Adlai Stevenson too.

What TC says: “Now the Sox are routinely getting six, seven and even eight innings from each of their five starters, which allows everyone to rest a little.”

What TC means: What is the bullpen doing resting in the middle of the season? Where is the hunger, the fire? I want my relievers calling the manager in the fourth and saying “Put me in NOW Skip. I demand to help.”

3. According to the Globe, the Sox thought Curtis Leskanic might be injured on Sunday when he began rubbing his arm while pitching in the ninth. It turns out that Leskanic had just applied icy-hot to his arm and it was burning him. This makes Jose wonder if perhaps some of the Sox other injuries might have simpler explanations.

Could BK Kim’s sore arm, in fact be caused by a fire ants nesting in his arm pit?

Could Scott Williamson’s elbow problems be the result of lifting a pint glass too often (Note: Switch to cans, they’re lighter.) (Additional Note: Jose has no idea if Williamson drinks.)

Could Trot (sic) Moesy Nixon’s bad hamstring be nothing more than the result of a chainsaw accident? By special request, a link to the origin of Mosey. (Note: Not only did Jose screw up Nixon's name, he then misread the comment. Yikes)

Is it possible that Ellis Burks’ knee injury is simply a byproduct of the fact that he is incredibly old?

Could Kevin Youkilis simply have a hangover from too much partying with Dionysis on Mt. Olympus at the Olympics?

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

BONUS BlOG FEATURE: Occasionally, Jose writes a KEY and then decides that it sucks and discards it. Historically, these were lost to the world, but no more. Now, you, as a KEYS TO THE GAME (Now in Blog!!!) reader, can read the worst of Jose's content! Check back in often. There may be some additional, poor efforts to see, in addition to your regular KEYS.

3b. When Jose opened the paper this morning, he immediately turned to Red Sox Notebook, as he always does. Instantly the headline “Another Setback” jumped out at him. What was it? Did Mosey Nixon reinjure his leg? Was BK Kim done for the year? Nope…but Lenny DiNardo is hurting. Setback? This is great. Now we can keep him without having to put him on the actual team. Running that tidbit under the heading “Another Setback” is a little bit like running a headline “Sox Get Bullpen Help” when they’ve picked up Terry Adams. It’s just silly and misleading.

1 comment:

Eric said...

A couple things:

1. Heathcliff Slocumb blows away the other options. It's the name, stupid (I'm not calling you stupid, this is just an election-year reference).

2. You called our injured right field Trot instead of Mosey. What's with that?!?