Saturday, September 4

From SoSH: Re: September 4th - Wake is On

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, well, well. The Red Sox have now won ten in a row, and you know the best way to pay tribute? Iambic pentameter baby – 10 syllables per line. Jose Melendez is proud to present a sonnet for the 2004 Boston Red Sox

Lucchino, Henry, Werner, Theo too,
Gave Terry F a really primo squad,
A fielder who’s both sculpted and a Jew,
Another who looks like unto a God.

They’re pitching Pedro, Balki, Wake and Curt,
A foursome that the Yanks had best avoid,
Our fifth guy also layeth down the hurt,
An Android who’s a little paranoid.

When Manny and Ortizille knock one out,
Old Mosey cheers although his hammy’s sore,
And timely hitting from our guy umlaut,
Puts Tek in the position now to score.

And Foulke comes in and makes the bad guys tame,
I’m Jose M. with KEYS to every game.

2. An image of Kevin Brown commenting on his injury is seen.

Trevor Hoffman: Kevin Brown is injured again. I can’t say I’m surprised. When he was in San Diego he was always the sort of guy who was never really there when you need him.

Hideo Nomo: Kevin Brown? He’ll tell you he’s a premiere pitcher, but what about the injuries…the self-inflicted injuries.

Darren Dreifort: I’ve been seriously injured on any number of occasions, all the time really, and Kevin Brown’s self-inflicted injuries dishonor me, dishonor everyone who has hurt himself actually playing the game. We leave our souls on the field and this is how he repays you. (Cut to image of Brown flying on the Dodges team plane) While he jets around with sore backs and pulled this, he left us here to fight alone. To call him a clubhouse cancer is an insult to cancer.

Dodgers Team Physician: I’ve treated Kevin Brown for any number of injuries, and I can say they may have been self-inflicted. That’s why we traded him for the pothead.

Former Dodger Manager Bill Russell: He broke his hand now? No big surprise…just trying to save himself from some beatings by Boston. He’s a coward, a total coward. Don’t let him mislead you like he did to us.

(Voice over) This is what the men who served with Kevin Brown think of him. Kevin Brown….you just can’t trust him.

This KEY was paid for by Major League Veterans for Truth.

3. There is justice in baseball!!! Gabe Kapler, "The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew" and Mosey Nixon both had their suspensions and fines for retaliating against noted choke out artist Tanyon Sturze overturned by Major League Baseball’s John McHale on Friday. Jose is deeply tempted to compare this to the verdict in the Dreyfuss Affair, but only Kapler is Jewish and making jokes about the original fines and suspensions being the result of anti-Semitism are "baseless" and "blatantly offensive."

So now we like our humor to be non-libelous and not to bring up long lingering memories of generations of oppression? We prefer jokes that don’t "hurt feelings" and "trivialize massive historical suffering?" Well that’s just great. That means Jose is going to have to skip his Trail of Tears jokes when the Braves get bounced from this year’s playoffs. That is unless, of course, he can sneak it in by writing a KEY about how he’s not going to use it.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

Jose, you are wise

Anonymous said...

Jose sure seems to go on alot of vacations, conveniently getting in the way of writing keys. Where is Jose when we need him? It looks like Jose is not a team player, and doesn't even want to be on this team...slacker

-Tony Mazzarotti