Friday, September 3

From SoSH: Re: September 3rd - Pedro to Roll

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose attended last night’s game with his friend Jamie (a.k.a. SoSH legend RomeroRomine’s brother) and Jamie’s girlfriend Sara. (Note: The Red Sox are now 7-1 in games Jose attends, and he is going again tonight. Mr. Henry, take the hint already.) Sara, who is not a baseball fan, at one point referred to Bill Mueller as Bill “Myooler,” in other words pronouncing it the way it looks. This immediately led Jose, a great lover of the German language, into a tirade about how Mueller, is really Müller, the single most common last name in all the Germanic world. The letters “ue” are simply the standard substitute for a “u” with an umlaut, those two little dots. And while, Mueller does translate to Miller, it is certainly not pronounced “Miller” rather the "ue" is pronounced by rounding the lips as if to say “oo” and then attempting to say “ee.” Go on try it... Seriously give it a shot. If you make a mistake, you can try it again. Mooeeller…One more time. Mooeeller. Good.

Anyway, in reaction to the needless Anglicization of Bill Müller’s fine German name, Jose has resolved to put the “ü” back in Müller. Also, at Jamie’s suggestion, his new nickname should be “Umlaut.” As in Umlaut’s home run last night was huge, and he also made some great plays in the field.”

2. The Red Sox played “My Sharona” between the eighth and ninth innings last night? Do you know what that means? It means they’re catching on… It is time for some enterprising and musically gifted SoSHer to take the lyrics to “Why Francona?”, lovingly crafted by game thread posters, and record a version with his garage band or possibly the Boston POPS. Jose is gathering the lyrics and posting them right here. All that remains is for you, yes you, to make the recording and send it to Yawkey Way.

Why Francona
Lyrics by the Sons of Sam Horn
Music by The Knack

Never chew your players out, players out.
Though they scream for more playing time, Francona?
Though you never hit and run, hit and run.
Or go bunt it on down the line Francona!

Never gonna stop, mixing up
The bottom and the top
Always mixing up, the lineup
When you gonna bat Cabrera 9, Francona?

Bringing in the closer huh, ah will ya, huh?
Close enough, the lead's only five, Francona.
Why Foulke’s in’s a mystery, it gets to me
Are Adams and 'Doza alive, Francona?

When you gonna finally see, finally see
Left field is no place for Millar, Francona.
Theo looks at OBP, OBP
He lets you think too much for yourself, Francona.

Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a slow hook. Always leave 'em in too long
You ain't the winning kind.
My my my i yi woo. Wh-wh-wh-why Francona?

my, my, my, my,my WHOO!Wh, wh, wh, Why Francona?(Guitar solo!)

So get cracking. Jose wants demos by Tuesday, 9 AM.

3. Tonight’s battle between President Bush’s old plaything and the team Senator Kerry described as “a breath of fresh air sweeping across the land” or something like that in his speech last night would seem to have national political implications. Though Kerry incorrectly stated that the Sox had closed to within 2.5 games of the Yankees in his address last night (Note: Wishful, or more likely, anticipatory thinking Senator), Jose does have to give him credit for touting the Red Sox while on the road. It is one thing to talk about how much one loves the Red Sox, quite another in Ohio.

Meanwhile, when NPR challenged a Republican Party spokesperson to try to spin the Yankees 22-0 loss to the Indians, he made a comment about how “We Republicans are all Yankees fans while we’re here in New York” or something to that effect and then conceded that it was impossible to spin that loss.

Jose tries to keep his personal politics out of the KEYS, but he cannot help but say that he really does feel for the Republicans of Red Sox nation. If Jose had been forced to watch Al Gore in a Yankees cap and hear Democratic officials talk about how “We are all Yankees fans” Jose may well have been a Dole voter in 1996. It is one thing to be a Yankee fan from New York; it is quite another to choose to be a Yankees fan while hailing from another state. Some would call it enthusiasm, Jose would call it evil.

So here is Jose’s proposal. Despite the fact that the Yankees have historically been affiliated with Republican high-finance New York, Jose thinks we should choose a new team to affiliate with the Republican party so as not to put the Republican members of Red Sox nation in an untenable position that they did not seek and (probably) do not deserve.

Therefore, the official baseball team of the Republican party for 2004 will be…THE CLEVELAND INDIANS!!! Why? Well, they’re in a swing state for starters. But they’re also capable of laying down blow out wins as the Yankees saw first hand. Their manager is Eric Wedge “Issue” and as one can see from their caps, they have no problem with making minorities feel uncomfortable and excluded. It’s a perfect match! The only problem might be that the Indians have that Japanese pitcher who made the gay porn video…the Republicans might not approve of that…you know… him being a foreigner.

While Jose is a Democrat, the KEYS are non-partisan, so the Democrats should have a team as well. So what squad should represent the Democrats? The lucky nine is…the PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES!!! They too are in a swing state. They spend money freely but get little in return; their fans are out of control and often counter productive. They even used to play at a Stadium called Veteran’s Stadium, which you’d think would be an advantage. For year’s Veteran’s stadium would go around talking about how it honored Veterans and boast of its military credentials, but you know what? It turned out that that stadium had never been in a was!!! Not Vietnam, not Grenada, nothing. So they blew it up. Not a bad match at all.

So who will win this cataclysmic match up between the Indians and Phillies? The answer is, Jose has no idea. They don’t play each other this year, and they sure as hell won’t meet in the World Series. They may have played in the preseason, but Jose is not going to look up preseason schedules. (Note: Damn it, Jose’s pride as a “journalist” made him look it up. They played exhibitions at Citizens Bank Ballpark on April 3 and 4, but Jose draws the line at checking the scores.) On the bright side, the outcome on November 2 should give us a good idea as to who would win a hypothetical “Dream World Series” between the Phillies and Indians.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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