Wednesday, September 1

From SoSH: Re: September 1st - Bronson either Or

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Poor Mosey Nixon. The Sox right fielder has spent so much time on the disabled list this year that he has not only had time to get a terrible haircut, but to come up with the idea of referring to it as a “Bosworth” after the rare athlete who was both a spectacular bust as a football player and an actor (and maybe as an XFL sideline reporter if Jose recalls correctly.)

Jose imagines Mosey sitting around day after day watching NFL Films and Bosworth’s film Stone Cold, desperately hoping for his leg to heal so he can return to action. (Note: Do you think if you mention “Stone Cold” Steve Austin to Nixon, he goes on a rant about how Austin is ripping off Bosworth? God, Jose hopes so.) Still, Jose supposes that we should be happy that Nixon didn’t fixate on an even bigger NFL Flop. Can you imagine if Nixon had returned to the team sporting a Mandarich, a Schuller or, at the risk of hitting to close to home, a Ken Simms?

2. Ahhh…The Sox are on fire, the Yankees are deteriorating and there is much rejoicing in Melendezville. Much has already been said about the Yankees humiliating 22-0 loss, particularly that it looks like a football score. (Note: So let Jose get out his calculator. That would be three touchdowns with one missed PAT; or five field goals a touchdown and a PAT; or maybe just 11 safeties.)

But as Jose watched the score scroll across the bottom of his TV screen last night, he thought it could easily be confused with a few other numbers.
  • The Electoral College battle in Illinois in 2000 (Gore 22, Bush 0) (Note: Now Illinois has only 21.)
  • The Olympic Medal race between the Netherlands and Turkmenistan. (Netherlands 22, Turkmenistan 0)
  • The exchange rate between Azerbaijani Manats and U.S. dollars. (22 Manats buys 0 dollars. This may not technically be true, but it’s close enough.)

    All of these things ran through Jose’s mind when he first saw the score 22-0, but then he realized the Yankees just suck.

3. After the game, Jose did catch a little bit of the Republican convention. He was particularly struck by the annoying and silly address of the Bush twins, who were clearly not ready for prime time. When they made a crack about “Who is this Dick Cheney guy,” or something to that effect, the camera panned to the Vice President who was quietly seething and appeared to be thinking “When I am President, people like you will be lined up and shot.”

In this age when being on TV is the true American dream, it is rare to see someone so patently unhappy with being in the spotlight. In fact, Jose doesn’t thin he’s seen anyone that unhappy to be in the spotlight since Wade Boggs faced Randy Johnson in game 5 of the 1995 Division Series, with a look that said “Please let him walk me” all over his face. And Jose doesn’t imagine he’ll see a look like that again until the first time A-Rod faces Keith Foulke in the 9th inning of a playoff game.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jose must be using the same calculator that decided 3 X 27 = 71.