Tuesday, September 7

From SoSH: Re: September 7th - Lowe Goes Choppin' Again

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose is back from a relaxing day of vacation and looks to regain his winning form tonight against the As. Last night was one of those nights where Jose was absolutely determined to watch the whole game, despite severe fatigue brought on by a weekend of sailing, tennis and eating fine food. He was also worn out by frequent naps and drinking the occasional adult beverage (Note: As Terry Eurona and Ken Macha would call them.)

For the first two hours, Jose stayed alert by ironing shirts, going through old papers and paying bills while watching the game. Then, at around 12:05, with the Sox up 4-3, he lay back on his couch and prepared to watch the drama of the last three innings. Fifteen seconds later Jose was unconscious. He awoke about an hour later to see As fans dumping crap on the field and his beloved Red Sox with an 8-3 lead. Clearly, something exciting had happened, so Jose vowed to remain awake for the final three outs. About 15 seconds later, Jose was once again asleep. He awoke again, just in time to see Ramiro Mendoza record the final out.

Now Jose knows he’s going to hear a lot of criticism about his relaxed attitude, about not being focused when his team needs him and so on. To that, Jose replies, we won and that is all that matters. If they win with Jose asleep, fine, if they need Jose to stay awake until one for us to win then…umm…crap…one is pretty late.

2. Despite missing yesterday and its two syllable per line poem, Jose will continue to write poetry with syllables reflecting the number of consecutive wins the Sox are seeking for as long as it takes. (Note: Jose may try to post a retroactive two syllable poem on the blog.) Today, three syllables!!!

by Jose Melendez

Android’s pitch,
Sinks and falls.
Makes him rich,
Strikes not balls.

Jesus Christ’s,
Finger’s hurt
Heals with ice?
Shots like Curt?

Mosey’s here,
Pokey too,
Role’s unclear
Super Jew.

TheKEYS rhyme,
West coast time.

3. Jose was thinking about doing a Tony Castrati translator today, but TC decided to go after George Steinbrenner for demanding a forfeit. Jose really can’t come up with anything to mock about that, to do so would be like mocking the fire chief for condemning arson, so TC gets left alone for today. (Note: When Jose talks about “TC,” is it possible that he’s really talking about Tom Carron, or Tim Conway or even travel agent extraordinaire Thomas Cook? Think about it.) Instead, Jose will join TC is piling on the loathsome Yankees organization.

If one really thinks about the pathetic state of the Yankees, demanding a forfeit makes sense After all, the Yankees who would want to face the awesome power of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? But Major League Baseball, in a rare case of sound judgment, did not force the DRays to forfeit. Baseball avoided committing yet another miscue under Bud Selig's leadership. Instead the Yankees, who had demanded surrender, forfeited themselves. They forfeited their dignity. They forfeited their fraudulent reputation as a “classy organization.” They forfeited the respect of their wives and children. They forfeited the claim that they do not fear the Red Sox. But they did not forfeit everything. No, no. Yankees fans despair not, your team has not lost everything. Quite to the contrary, the Yankees secured forever a reputation as whiny divas who think they are bigger than the game. Congratulations to the New York Yankees. You are now officially dainty little pansies. (Note: Until yesterday, they were only unofficially dainty little pansies.)

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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