It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Tonight the Red Sox go for their fifth win in a row after completely crushing and humiliating the Oakland As. Has anyone else noticed a pattern here? The Angels were as hot as the sun in a sauna; they play the Sox and get swept. The As were as hot as the Human Torch in hell; they play the Sox and get swept. Quite simply the Sox are better than anyone in any sphere of human endeavor at this moment.
If you put them up against the ’27 Yankees they’d sweep them. If you put Gabe Kapler in the ring with a young Muhammed Ali, he’d knock him out in the first round. If Terry Eurona ran for president against the 1972 Nixon or 1984 Reagan, Terry would carry 49 states. Hell, if you put Euro Bellhorn in the Miss USA pageant tomorrow, he’d come out on top, and he’s no looker – that’s how much the Sox are winning these days. They must be lauded with wine and verse.
Fetch Jose his lyre!!! It’s time for five syllable poetry.
ON TO SEATTLE
By Jose Melendez
Those nine were supposed,
To be the big test,
And our Red Sox rose,
And beat up the “best,”
Our rivals today?
A team that just blows,
With no stars to play,
The knuckler will float,
And sit their bats down,
And Wakefield will gloat,
In grunge’s hometown.
Will relish each play.
2. Jose couldn’t help but notice that former Sox pitcher Jin Ho Cho is neck deep in a draft dodging scandal in Korea. While using one’s privilege to avoid service to one’s country seems like it would be a big deal, precedent suggests that it will not adversely affect Cho’s presidential aspirations. (Note: Jose knows this sounds very political, particularly as Jose is a known Democrat, but you conservatives out there are more than welcome to imagine that it is a shot at Bill Clinton. Though if you think Jose would pick on a man recovering from heart surgery, unless it’s Dick Cheney, you are mean, insensitive people.)
On a related note, do you think that we could get BK Kim conscripted? Maybe we could work out a deal where if he pitches fewer than 80 innings in the Majors next year or his ERA climbs above 4.50 he is inducted into the South Korean army during the seventh inning stretch. This would be a good way to motivate a pitcher with a history of cracking under stress right? Right? (Note: Jose was going to write a Korean army themed version of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game here, but given all of the American troops in harms way today, it seemed like it would have been a jerk move, so you will all just have to think about how funny and insensitive it would have been.)
3. What to do, what to do. What would make a this third KEY lively and interesting rather than the throwaway KEY it normally is. A Tony Castrati translator is always good, but Jose did that yesterday. Jose knows, how about (gasp) a new feature!!!
As an experiment Jose will try looking at today’s Shaughnessey column and deciphering the hidden messages within using the awesome power of the ellipse. Jose is pretty sure that Rush Limbaugh did something like this to Hillary Clinton and he knows Al Franken did something like this to Rush Limbaugh, so Jose figures if those titans of journalism can do it, it must be solid and reputable technique, like making things up, or using unnamed sources with no corroboration.
From today’s Shaughnessy column
“The…Boston Globe Columnist who was once labeled ‘Curly-Haired Boyfriend…shaved his…balls…after beating…Richard Nixon” (Note: Richard Nixon is mention twice in KEYS today. Wow.)
“I…had a policy requiring…America’s Most Wanted…to set rules for…the staid Yankees.”
“Ashton Kutcher…with a beard and…geri curled hair…?…I like it.”
So there it is. Your news directly from Dan Shaughnessy. Misleading and out of context, just like all of Dan’s work.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.