Tuesday, April 5

3/25/05 -- AL Newbie vs. AL Newbie

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. File under “The more things change.” After one loss, that’s right, one loss, the Boston media has already ended its love affair with the Boston Red Sox.

It’s only one game into the season and, apparently, we already know that David Wells is a bust, Edgar Renteria can’t hit with men on base and Red, White and Blaine Neal is the second coming of Bobby Jones. How bad has it gotten? Today the Boston Globe didn’t even have a Red Sox Notebook. The had a Celtics Notebook, they had an NCAA Men’s Notebook, they had an NCAA Women’s Notebook, they had a Masters Notebook, hell, they even had a Yankees Notebook, but no Red Sox notebook. So either the Globe needs to call up W.B. Mason and order some more office supplies (note: that’s right, the KEYS are doing product placement now. Revenue streams, baby!!!) or the Globe completely stiffed the World Champs.

For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com

The Herald is even worse. In between the latest pressing news about poolside catfights and sexy dressing Harvard librarians, they managed to sneak in a Tony Castrati column claiming that… get ready… the oceans are made of cotton candy!!! Okay, maybe not… but it was almost as absurd… it was an article claiming that Derek Jeter is the best player in baseball. (Note: Technically this was in the day before the catfights and librarians, but Jose would rely on Jaret Wright as a fifth starter before he would go through the Herald archives.)

Jose knows that with the Pope’s passing, some of us are thinking more about faith and the unseen world, but why, oh why, would God give us our senses and then urge us to ignore them and instead focus on ephemeral things like intangibles. How bad is this piece? It is so bad that Jose can’t even translate it because every line of the article would translate to “I don’t believe in statistical analysis, empirical evidence or even common sense. Instead, I will make absurd claims that are verifiably false.”

Are there legitimate questions about this Red Sox team? Sure there are, but there are legitimate questions about every team. For the Red Sox the questions are “Can they get enough out of their starting pitching?” and “Which way to the bar?” For the Yankees, by contrast, the questions are “Why can’t I have facial hair, I’m a grown man?” and “Where have mystique and aura gone? I liked them a lot better than Yankee Stadium’s two new residents, doubt and anxiety.”

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