Friday, April 8

4/8/05 - Balki vs. Bush

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Yesterday, Jose got the first speeding ticket of his life. Needless to say, Jose is innocent and plans on contesting the ticket. However, since Johnnie Cochran is recently deceased, Jose will be forced to defend himself.

Jose is not a lawyer, a paralegal or even a legal secretary, but he does have a few ideas for innovative strategies to get the ticket thrown out. As you might imagine, Jose’s legal strategy, like everything else in Jose’s life, is baseball related.

Jose’s first strategy will be to raise doubts about the accuracy of the radar gun that clocked him at 80mph with a dazzling video presentation. As Exhibit A, Jose will introduce a tape of Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Before a stunned courtroom (note: or magistrate’s office… whatever) Jose will play video from the infamous eight inning that shows the radar gun clocking Pedro’s fastball at 97 mph. You know he wasn’t throwing 97, Jose knows he wasn’t throwing 97, the judge magistrate knows he wasn’t throwing 97... EVERYBODY BUT GRADY KNOWS HE WAN’T THROWING 97. And yet there it is – 97 on the radar gun. Geez… it makes those radar guns seem a little suspect doesn’t it? Moreover, to trust the accuracy of the radar gun would be to validate Grady Little, and who wants to do that?

But what if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan? What if it’s Tony Castrati’s cousin and he still believes Grady was right? Thankfully Jose has a second strategy, a strategy based not on evidence, but on logic.

Let us suppose for a moment that Jose was going 80 mph. (Note: He was not.) Let us also suppose that radar guns are more science than voodoo. Who is to say that 80 mph is “too fast.” Now, lawyers might say that the Massachusetts General Laws says that 80 is too fast, but the General Laws also say that “Say Hello to Someone from Massachusetts” by Lenny Gomulka and Chicago Push is our official state polka, so what do they know.

As Red Sox fans know all too well, B.K. Kim’s fastball has been about 84 mph for the past year. It has been universally agreed upon that at 84 mph, his fastball is simply “too slow.” If the radar gun was correct, then Jose was still driving 4 mph slower than a BK Kim fastball. So how can it be that 84 mph is too slow, but 80 mph is too fast? Answer: It can’t. Jose’s web of logic is inescapable. If B.K. Kim’s fastball is too slow, then it is impossible that Jose was driving too fast.

And what if that doesn’t work? What if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan who loves B.K. Kim? Then Jose will stand up like a man, take his medicine, and blame it all on the flow of traffic.

For today's full KEYS visit

No comments: