Sunday, September 19

From SoSH: Re: 9/19 Pedro's kung fu is strong

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Okay, so Jose thinks we can all agree that yesterday did not go quite as planned. In terms of conforming to the plan (a 5-3 Sox win) yesterday’s game was right up there with Michael Dukakis’ plan to capture the presidency and George W. Bush’s vow to return integrity to the White House. (Note: Or if one wants to get away from politics, it was up there with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan’s plan to end Hulkamania forever or Electro’s plan to kill Spiderman.)

If the Yankees are McDonald’s, as Jose suggested, then yesterday was the day they gave us burgers chock full of the rich intriguing flavor of E. coli, because they just killed us. That said, there’s a funny thing about forcing tainted meat down people’s throats -- it tends to result in lawsuits. So watch for your subpoena’s Yankees, because you all are getting served.

How bad did things get yesterday? Jose agreed to leave the game in the fifth inning (Note: This isn’t the measure of how bad it was, anyone would have stopped watching once it was 13-0) to go to a crafts store called Michael’s with the Melendezette. And, get ready for this, he did it without complaint. Yup, the game was so bad, that going to a super store plaza in Everett to buy cake decorating materials seemed like a good idea. (Note: Admittedly, the notion that it might result in actual cake’s being made was intriguing. The Melendezette is working today, so let’s hope this game is a lot more entertaining because if it isn’t Jose will have no one to spend the day antiquing with.

2. This just in. Carl Pavano is a d*ck. According to Gordon Edes, the Florida hurler who has established himself among the premiere free agent pitchers on the market this year, left four tickets for the much maligned Steve Bartman when Florida visited the Cubs last week. Isn’t this just an insane amount of piling on? This poor SOB can hardly be blamed for the fact that the Cubs let the next three runners reach, and then blew the final two games with their best pitchers on the mound. Unless, of course, you believe in the mystical powers of livestock.

On the other hand, this act of meanness gives Jose an idea. Next year, when the Red Sox make their first appearance at Yankee Stadium, remind Jose to leave some tickets for John Stiglitz of Oyster Bay New York. Jose will not elaborate. Okay, maybe he will elaborate a little bit. Let’s just say Jose looked into his crystal ball and saw that Mr. Stiglitz will become quite unpopular with Yankees fans this October.

3. In a rare non-Red Sox KEY, Jose would like to say that Barry Bond’s 700th home run is an unbelievable accomplishment. It now even seems probable that he will break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Whether you like Bonds, or hate him like most people, when he hits that record breaking home run, you, Jose and every one else will have no choice but to sit back and give the man his due. We will have to concede "This was an accomplishment for the ages. Not since Ben Johnson shattered the record for the 100 meter dash at the 1988 Olympics has one sportsmen had such an extraordinary achievement. Truly this rivals Rosie Ruiz’s victory in the Boston Marathon."

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

lol - long and hard - after I read today's third key...

Now I'm hoping there is a connection between an especially funny key and a great Sox performance...

Amy said...

Hm! I was also planning my trip to Michael's to pick up cross-stitching supplies during the game. Perhaps rough games make women want to do crafts. You should look into this.

Anonymous said...

It was so bad that I volunteered to take my daughters to see the "Princess Diaries 2." Ugh!