Friday, September 24

From SoSH: Re: Sept 24 - No more Mister Nice Guy

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose watched the game last night from the glamorous .406 Club where Jose is pretty sure the four beers he drank cost more than his watch. Despite the Sox loss, this visit to the .406 club went far better than Jose’s previous visit. At least this time no one got fired. Jose’s only other appearance there was in 2001 at a Sox-Yankees game, and the coworker who brought him was fired for abusing client relationships. Jose went undisciplined. Actually, Jose is pretty sure that they’d wanted to get rid of the guy for a long time and this was their excuse. (Note: Could the Sox use this as an excuse to axe Dale Sveum?

Henry: You used your influence to go to a ballgame.

Sveum: Um…I work at the games.

Henry: That’s no excuse, you’re fired. Go home.

Sveum: You’re sending me home for no good reason.

Henry: Now you know how it feels.)

Jose went as the guest of SoSHer Lefty on the Mound, who also took the hint that John Henry would not, and gave Jose a ticket in order to increase the chances of a Sox win to 80 percent. (Note: Jose got his playoff ticket rejection today. Good to see, they’re taking the playoffs seriously.)

Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Jose the Sox have lost the last two games you’ve attended. Are you bad luck now? Should I take the playoff tickets I was planning to give you and give them to orphans instead?”

No! There are two perfectly reasonable explanations either of which should make you feel good about giving Jose tickets. First, the last two games Jose went to, both losses were the only two times this year Jose sat in elite seats, the .406 Club and on the monster seats. So when Jose sits with the people in the bleachers or right field, the team is 9-1. Jose is, after all, a man of the people.

The second, and far more likely possibility is that since Jose was on to a new cycle of ten, he had two losses to spend, and he just spent one. In other words, since the Sox went 8-2 in Jose’s first 10 appearances, they will go 8-2 in the next ten. Since they are now 0-1, that means they will go 8-1 in the next nine Jose attends this year. Therefore, if they lose tonight (Note: Jose will be in the bleachers) any other game Jose visits this year is a sure thing!!! Don’t bother checking with a statistician, just trust Jose on this. It’s not like he failed his Statistics 112 final. (Note: He got a D+. Stupid Analysis of Variance.) So send along those offers.

Unfortunately, Lefty on the Mound had a really bad cold last night and left around the 5th, leaving Jose do watch the game with two Dominican brothers, both named Manny, who work with Lefty and have a brother named Ranier who plays A Ball in Billings, Montana for the Reds. This means that when they visit their brother. He can introduce them “Hi, I’m Rainer, this is my brother Manny and this is my other brother Manny.” But clearly, Jose watched the game with two Dominican brothers and not two clearly insane people. (Note: He did watch an insane person pitch for the Sox, however.)

Today Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.

(Image of Lefty and his father playing catch.

(Voiceover) “Lefty on the Mound used to play lots of ball. That was back when breathing came easy. But on September 23, something went horribly wrong.”

(shift to footage of lefty hacking)

All of a sudden, even watching the game he loved to play became a burden to heavy for one man to bear.

As his Bronchia spasmed, so did the pitching of his beloved Red Sox.

(Cue footage Tejada launching a missile up over the monster. Cue song “Leaving on a Jet Plane”)

His score card unfinished, his peanuts uneaten, Lefty left the game he loved at the midway point, simply unable to fight off the illness that was overtaking him.

(Cue shot of empty seats, fade to pair of baseball gloves lying in a back yard, unused.)

Today Lefty is recovering, but the game can never be recaptured, the events can never be undone, and the pain, it lingers, lingers like smoke, lingers like the taste of garlic, lingers like BK Kim fastball, always there just below the brave face he puts on.

That’s why Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.

(Note: Maybe this KEY can’t be of the highest quality, but it can at least be far too long!!!)

2. Today Jose begins what may become a weekly feature, the Eric Kneel Neighborhood Watch. The idea is that just like a real neighborhood watch, we work together to make sure nothing is stolen.

What Eric Kneel says: “The difference between good snarky (Jon Stewart) and bad snarky (Dennis Miller)”

Who Eric Kneel should have cited: Daniel Manus Pinkwater author of The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death,” and “The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror.

What EK says: “A guy's got to be good. Numbers count.”

Who EK should have cited: Bill James, Eric Van, that weird guy of Duquette’s with the alligators, Karl Rove and possibly this bookie named Bruno.

What EK says: His name means "friend of God,"

Who EK should have cited: Jesus, Buddah, Zoroaster, Zeus, Allah, Thor, Kevin Youkilis.

What EK says: “Meanwhile, the Page 2 MLB All-Star team organizing committee (which is pretty much just me) has made it clear that a recount is out of the question”

Who EK should have cited: Katherine Harris, the U.S. Supreme Court.

What EK says: “The Vladi Daddy, whose every thing, from bow-legged walk to tar-burnished batting helmet, is a Page 2 All-Star teamish sort of thing par excellence.”

Who EK should have cited: Every pretentious guy who tries to make things sound more emphatic by using French phrases.

What EK says: “The guy had the endorsement of North Dakota's governor”

Who EK should have cited: North Dakota Governor John Hoeven, potentially Governor Umlaut.

What EK says: “Fans who, if given the chance, will rip your heart out of your chest and grill it with onions, butter and a touch of garlic.”

Who EK should have cited: Julia Child. That is a Julia Child recipe, was a Julia Child recipe and will always be a Julia Child recipe. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean you can just take it, and pass it off as your own, and with the Betty Crocker cook off just weeks away.

(Note: Eric, Seriously, good column, especially the part about Michael Barrett. Oh God, did Jose offend you? He did, didn’t he? Oh no, oh no, oh Dear God no.)

3. It’s always good to see Major League Baseball protecting the integrity of the game by banning senile old men like Johnny Pesky from the bench. Jose only wishes they had ban them last year at this time. Then Grady wouldn’t have been there for the playoffs. (Note: Johnny Pesky is awesome, Jose just needed to set up the Grady joke.)

In related news, the right field foul pole has been renamed Selig’s stick.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

"Now you know how it feels."

Sheer and utter brilliance....had the wife and me rolling on the floor.

Keep up the good work.


Eric said...

What section in the bleacher's tonite? I'd be honor to buy you a beer.

Anonymous said...

Excellent as always. In an upcoming KEYS will we get a response to's casting of Derek Lowe as C-3PO? How could that not be stolen from Jose?

Dylan said...

As always Jose, I am impressed with the consistency, knowledge, and humor you place into each and every one of Jose's Keys. I was saddened today, though, with one of your citations that Eric Kneel should have used:

...What EK says: His name means "friend of God,"

Who EK should have cited: Jesus, Buddah, Zoroaster, Zeus, Allah, Thor, Kevin Youkilis...

Unfortunately, Buddhism is a Godless religion and Buddha is not a God. Buddha was actually a living person who created and taught the 4 Noble Truths and 8-fold path to enlightenment (Nirvana). What is interesting about the 4 Noble Truths is how applicable they are to the Red Sox nation:

1. Suffering exists (being a Sox fan)
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires (beating the MFY and winning the World Series)
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases (trading Nomar to the Cubs)
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path (I'm getting to this one shortly and, yes, the number 8 should make you think of Yaz)

The eightfold path:

1. Right View (the Sox have better starting pitching than the MFY's)
2. Right Intention (G38 does not have to hit A-Rod, A-rod is already in pain)

Ethical Conduct
3. Right Speech (we do not need to yell Yankees Suck, the Yankees deep-down understand the extent of their suckiness)
4. Right Action (throwing batteries at Bernie Williams or Kenny Lofton will create a distracted and worried mind that you will get booted out of Fenway. Worry about pointing out the innocent Yankee fan to security when they look for who threw the beer.)
5. Right Livelihood (earn a living that does not involve the selling of Yankee player body parts or working for BALCO)

Mental Development:
6. Right Effort (abandon thoughts of Buckner, Bucky, and Boone)
7. Right Mindfulness (see things as they are: Fruitbat's cutter is ineffective to the bottom 3rd of the Sox line-up)
8. Right Concentration (focus on the World Series trophy, not on the year 1918)

Anyhow, Jose, I feel that Jose's Keys are becoming the Nation's 3-fold path to daily game thread enlightenment. Have you considered penning your religion to better assist our nation in living day to day as a Sox fan? I'll be your first follower.

Anonymous said...

Jose, you ask people to give you tickets - what about the reverse? Did you just have a single for Fri's game, or did you actually bring a deserving SOSH'er w/ you?

Jose Melendez said...

Jose was the guest of Sam Melendez. Jose has no more tix this year.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jose, you ought to add a new line of shirts to your store. Use the same front image but use this message for the back.

I'm one of

I can see them now, they'll be all over Fenway in October.