Tuesday, September 21

From SoSH: Re: 9/21 – BAL @ BOS

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. This was supposed to be the KEY where Jose told you about how an act of kindness secured a Sox win last night. This was going to be where Jose told you of how a SoSH poster named lushess255 took the hint that John W. Henry would not and gave Jose the ticket needed to secure victory last night, giving freely, asking nothing more than beer and chicken wings in return. But they screwed it up. A bases loaded walk, a sour pickle and the Sox bowed. That said Jose would like you all to remember that the Sox are still a robust 8-2 in games attended by Jose , so Jose will be accepting offers of free tickets from here on in from John Henry or anyone else who would like an 80 percent chance of a Sox victory.

Instead, Jose presents this first installment of Jose’s People. A look at the people whose lives have been touched by KEYS, in a style stolen from Kent’s People/Bart’s People from the Simpsons. (Note: If you say you’re stealing something it’s not illegal/wrong. Right? Right?)

(Voiceover) “ A passionate Red Sox fan, lushess255 has been to 30 games this year.”
(Cue crack of the bat and roaring crowds)
“But what happens, when the crowds…go quiet.”
(Cue violin)
“After his beloved Red Sox fell to the Yankees last Sunday, lushess255 was inconsolable. The clicking of the keyboard, the only interruption in his symphony of disappointment. Another shot at a division title…gone…
(Cue “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” image of Sheffield homer run.)
“But in the age of the Internet, one can never truly suffer alone.”
(Cue Bonds 700th Image)
“Jose Melendez’s observation that Barry Bonds’ record breaking Home Run would be like Ben Johnson’s 100m victory”
(Fade to Johnson)
“Or Rosie Ruiz’s Boston Marathon win”
(Fade to Rosie,)
“Threw a life preserver to lushess255 and pulled him out of his ocean of despair.”
(Cue Stars and Stripes Forever fade to image of Jose and lushess255 in shaking hands in front of a waving American Flag)
“And that’s why lushess255 is ONE OF JOSE’S PEOPLE.”

2. So Jose’s merchandise got yanked yesterday for too closely approximating the Red Sox logo. Jose disagrees with this assessment, but he can understand cafepress’s desire to avoid frivolous lawsuits. But it is okay, as Jose is working with new logos that should be up in a day or two. It is ironic that this act of censorship comes as the Red Sox face their own lawsuit suggesting that they are too closely approximating a playoff team. If you’re having trouble telling them apart from an actual playoff team, just look closely for the shoddy workmanship. Also, don’t buy baseball team’s from alleys or basements in Chinatown, those are almost assuredly pale imitations of playoff teams. (Note: Yes, Jose knows he shouldn’t be so negative, and he isn’t really, but he is just plain grumpy about last night’s game, and three straight awful starts.)

3. Put the children to bed, and send off the feint of heart. Here come the evil Jerrys:

1)Jerry Falwell
2)Jerry Lewis
3)Jerry Springer
4)Jerry MaGuire
5)Jerry Tarkanian
(Were his players at Fresno really arrested for robbing someone with a Samurai sword?
6)Elbridge Gerry
(Inventor of the Gerrymander, though Gerry has a hard G)
7)Geri Haliwell (aka Ginger Spice)
8)Jerry Jones
9)Jerry Bruckheimer
10)Jerry Williams (The miserable talk radio host)

Coming tomorrow: A surprising third list of Jerrys

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

5)Jerry Tarkanian
(Were his players at Fresno really arrested for robbing someone with a Samurai sword?

Ah yes, Kenny Brunner. He led the nation in assists for his first 3 months at Georgetown, and just like that he was gone, head for the welcoming arms of Fr. Tark Flanagan. He never played at Fresno St, but he did break out the Samurai sword in an incident involving taking a wallet. After that he moved to more conventional weapons when he pulled the trigger on a handgun at point blank range of a former HS or AAU coach, but the gun did not work. He was somehow acquitted and was playing ball at a JUCO in Idaho when he led a team mutiny and got his teammates to quit en masse. He was last seen wondering why he is not in the NBA.


Anonymous said...

Anonymous SoSH Lurker is surprised that Jose did not pick up on the info from the Globe today telling us all that, "..As the winner of a Sports Authority contest, 10-year-old John Potter of Lynnfield will get to bring Gabe Kapler to his fifth-grade class today at the North Shore Christian School in Lynn for show and tell."

Anonymous SoSH Lurker is female, and will refrain from mentioning what sort of show and tell she would like to engage in with the World's Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew, but thinks that more children should be encouraged to bring bench players to school with them. Imagine having Ellis Burkes carry your lunch box, and trying to get Mark Bellhorn to complete your algebra homework. The possibilities are endless..

Anonymous said...

The images of Jose's and lushess225's meeting with an American flag in the background remind me that it's high political season. And with that in mind, what would a Melendez political campaign look like? And most importantly, would he begin his commercials looking with "Jose Melendez is Jose Melendez, and he approves this message."? Or would it be "He's Jose Melendez, and he approves this message"?

Anonymous said...

Can you imagine John Potter doing the show-and-tell of Kapler?

Small John Potter stands beside Gabe Kapler in the front of class. Gabe, at 6" 2', looms over John.

"This is Gabe - he's fast and has a good glove, but he is hitting .278 with only a .314 OBP. [Gabe shuffles from foot to foot] His middle name is Stefan and is making $750k this year. [Gabe stops shuffling and smiles] His wife is really hot [Gabe frowns at Josh]"

"Um, thank you, John."

John returns to his desk and Gabe stands at parade rest behind it. The kid behind John leans to the side in order to try to see around Gabe.

M said...

Oye Jose:

How about the other Jerry crew?

* Hermann (Jerry) Goerring
* Jerry Lee Lewis
* Gerry Cooney
* Jerry Seinfeld

Gotta pipe in on the whole Sox thing... is it a matter of self-fulfilling prophecy or what? The Bosoxxx get within a pubic on first place (or worse) and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Was the Billy Goat um, goat-napped from the Windy City and sacrificed on the Cask & Flagon's main bar?

What say you, oh Oracle Of Lansdown?