Monday, September 20

From SoSH: Re: 9/20 - Beat Baltimore

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Before we enter your regularly scheduled KEYS, Jose is pleased to inform you that, by popular demand, KEYS T-shirts and other junk are now available. Jose will not sully the game thread with advertising, but all those interested should check out the blog.

1. Apparently, Sox pitcher BK Kim has entered Bad Teammates Anonymous. According to Herald scribe Jeff Horrigan, Kim had to apologize to the team’s pitchers and catchers for his shameful behavior as a condition of being called up from Pawtucket. Reportedly, before taking this step, Kim had to admit that he had a problem with being a bad teammate, and accept that he would have to focus on not being a bad teammate one day at a time. Kim will also be required to listen to testimonials from other bad teammates, describing how much their life has improved since they stopped sulking, ignoring instructions and flipping off fans.

How long Kim remains a bad teammate in recovery remains to be seen. While the programs numerous success stories receive little fanfare, its failures, notably Albert Belle and Ruben Rivera have been high profile.

2. Why don’t we bring back the Tony Castrati translator for today?

What TC says: “The New York Yankees have a better bullpen and a better lineup, and they have a better manager, too.”

What TC means: They’re invincible I tell you, invincible. I mean, we’re barely over .500 against them.

What TC says: “Curt Schilling will become what Martinez once was, a single ace against a deck stacked with kings.”

What TC means: I’m trying to catch on to the poker craze, but I still don’t quite understand the rules, and I certainly don’t realize that an ace and four kings is a kick ass hand.

What TC says: “Entering the weekend, since the start of the 2002 season, Lowe and Martinez have combined for 102 victories, more than any teammates in baseball during that span.”

What TC means: But that was then this is now. Two games is a much more meaningful sample size than two hundred.

What TC says: “Now in his eighth major league season and eligible for free agency at the end of the season, even Lowe admitted he ‘looked like a rookie.'”

What TC means: I am going to take completely out of context Lowe’s endorsement of a new facial cream that melts years away and makes one “look like a rookie.”

What TC says: Then Martinez went out yesterday and turned in an effort that could just as easily have come from Pedro Astacio, who swabbed the deck.”

What TC means: I heard on NPR that Sunday was “National Talk Like a Pirate Day” and am doing my best with naval analogies.

What TC says: “Yet regardless of what happens inside the cocoon of the two-team AL East, the Red Sox suddenly have bigger problems to worry about.”

What TC means: Panic room was on TV last night and it inspired me.

3. Since the Red Sox are playing a team that includes Jerry Harriston Jr., and Jerry Remy is, as always, calling tonight’s game, Jose Melendez is proud to present the top 10 Good Jerry’s of all time. Jose would like to thank his friends Dan and Noah who originally took on the Herculean task of ranking all Jerry’s, and then let Jose in on the work. (Note: You may remember the list of Vladimirs form earlier in the year, but the Jerry’s are where this began. In fact, a list has been on a bulletin board in the Melendez family kitchen for 10 years, though new Jerry’s have come on to the scene since then so it’s been adjusted.

1. Jerry of Ben and Jerry's

2. Jerry Remy

3. Jerry Stiller (Note: He used to be higher before “King of Queens.”)

4. Jerry Buscher (5th Fugazi member)

5. Jerry "the King" Lawler

6. Jerry Garcia

7. Jerry Only (member of band 'the Misfits')

8. Jerry Brown (The former CA Governor and Oakland mayor, not the former Major Leaguer.)

9. Gerry Ford

10. Jerry Seinfeld

Tomorrow, the evil Jerrys!!!

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

1 comment:

absintheofmalaise said...

In light of what happened over the weekend when you were awake and not in a druken stupor perhaps you should sleep through the remaining games on the schedule and dream that the Sox lose. WTF, worked Friday.