Tuesday, August 24

From SoSH: August 24th - Wake on the Take

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose has been inspired by the Red Sox. Since the Henry/Werner/Lucchino team took over, they have been relentless in their pursuit of “alternative revenue streams.” From monster seats to right field roof seats to the Yawkey Way turnstiles to Fan Foto or whatever that ghastly thing is called, they have pursued every opportunity to make a buck. Now, Jose has an idea as well.

From now on during each edition of KEYS TO THE GAME, Jose will have photographer wandering about the internet taking your pictures. If you like the picture, you can have it for $20. If not, Melendez Enterprises will simply keep it. However, in light of this convenient new service, Jose asks that you put on some pants for God’s sake.

Jose will also make an effort to cordon off the first few posts before and the first few posts after the KEYS to create a fun KEY-fan friendly atmosphere and to create a place where Jose can sell Jose Melendez merchandise, like Jose Melendez caps, Jose Melendez rain ponchos and Jose Melendez brand Cuban sandwiches. Jose will also be introducing an exciting new service called “KEYS TO THE GAME Replay” where you can purchase KEYS that other fans have been unable to use for a nominal convenience fee on top of the face value of the KEYS. Now this may look a little bit like profiteering, but Jose assures you that it is absolutely necessary for Jose to remain competitive with Steve Howe’s KEYS TO THE GAME down in the Bronx.

Jose is introducing one final service which is the brand new KEYS TO THE GAME (Now in Blog!!!) http://keystothegame.blogspot.com/

KEYS TO THE GAME (Now in Blog!!!) will allow Jose to bring you the latest in tripartite commentary on a wide variety of subjects ranging from bull fighting to cock fighting to shoot fighting. Jose has to accept that someday the baseball season is going to end and game threads will no longer provide an opportunity for lengthy rants about mechanical pitchers and monetary conversion, and rather than impose his non-baseball KEYS in inappropriate SoSH forums, Jose will post them on the blog.

KEYS TO THE GAME (Now in Blog!!!) will also allow Jose to do things like market handsome, bound editions of KEYS TO THE GAME complete with forward by the late George Plimpton, without dipping into such moral quagmires as trying to use SoSH to move merchandise. (Note: At least some of the previous sentence is true, but only if demand is sufficient. Order your copy today!!! Operators are standing by!!!)

The original KEYS TO THE GAME will remain in the daily game threads for as long as Jose is welcome, wanted and has too much time on his hands, or possibly longer.

2. Well Jose learned quite a bit about Manny Ramirez in today’s excellent Globe story by Stan Grossfeld.
Jose learned that Manny loves cars, the Matrix and Spanish Reggae. (Note: Do you think Manny imagines himself being in the Matrix when he’s at the plate? Complete perceptual awareness, the ball moving in slow motion?) Jose also learned that Manny didn’t see game 6 of the 1986 series (Note: This gives him yet another thing in common with many Massachusetts 10 year olds), doesn’t believe in the curse or 502 foot home runs (Note: Can we get Manny a membership in the Skeptics Society http://www.skeptic.com/ for his birthday?) and thinks Boston is “The Best City Ever” (Note: True). But there is one stark and glaring omission from this look into the great slugger’s life – what kind of rich, luxurious facial scrub does he use? Stop hiding Mr. Ramirez, the women and Metrosexuals of America demand to know!!!

3. Jose just noticed that despite his complete rejection of the first person singular (at least since the early days of the KEYS) he uses it every day. Indeed, it is in the last sentence of each and every KEYS – “I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.”

How terribly odd, that Jose rejects his underlying identity in such a core way. It’s like Manny Ramirez being sure to lay down a bunt in his last at bat of each game, Pedro Martinez throwing one knuckleball to each batter or Grady Little making one good strategic decision in each game. It’s just completely contradictory.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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