Friday, August 27

From SoSH: Re: August 27th - Lowe keeps the Streak

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. At a little after 11 last night, as Jose wrote precious non-SoSH content for KEYS TO THE GAME (Now in Blog!!!), he saw something deeply disturbing on NBC. (Note: Wow, this blog turned Jose into a shill in what, two days? What’s the record for fastest sell out? Should Jose call Guinness? ) Bob Costas was interviewing the U.S. gold medal winning Women’s soccer team. As the interview moved towards an end, Costas asked Mia Hamm Garciaparra, (Jose knows she didn’t take Nomar’s name but it just sounds more evil that way, like Stephanie McMahon Helmsley)how Nomar liked Chicago. She replied that he liked it, it is a great city and she is looking forward to getting back to root him on. Fine, no problem there. It is good to support your loved ones and Chicago is indeed a great city. That’s when the trouble began. All of a sudden, her teammates start whooping and yelling “Let’s go Cubs.”

None of these women was a Cubs fan before Nomar got traded, as best Jose knows, and certainly not all of them were Cubs fans. Now suddenly they love the Cubs. Is this the kind of loyalty they look for from their fans? Should Jose have switched his allegiance from USA Soccer to Brazilian soccer because of a few personnel moves? (Note: More importantly should Jose care about women’s soccer in the first place?) Either you’re with a team or your not is Jose’s approach. It is a team’s creed, it’s ethos that matters, not who is on it at any given time.

For instance, a guy Jose went to high school with and with whom he played 4th grade basketball ended up playing for Duke. This guy was the nicest guy in the world and Jose wanted him to succeed in basketball and in life. But Jose had always loathed the despicable and arrogant Duke team. So what did he do? He went right on booing the Blue Devils. It’s not about the people, it’s about who they represent.

2. After 26 days of inactivity, Tony Castrati has finally returned to the Herald and saved Jose the inconvenience of having to think up a KEY number two today. Thank God. With that, Jose proudly announces the return of the Tony Castrati translator.

Balancing act on the beam: Tigers latest to fall victim to new style
Tony Castrati: Back to Work, Back to Jerk

What TC says: “They are winning via blowouts and in close ones, following offensive explosions on the road with pitching masterpieces at home.”

What TC means: They would win, could win in a boat. They would win, could win with a goat. They will not lose not here, or there. They will not lose, not anywhere.

What TC says: “The Red Sox shook up their roster and reversed their fortunes, and they are now doing their darned-est (sic)to make a return trip to the heart of October.”

What TC means: The three books I read on my vacation were “Reversal of Fortune,” “Heart of Darkness” and “The Hunt for Red October.”

What TC says: “Who are these guys?”

What TC means: No, really who are they? I’ve been away from so long, that I’ve forgotten.

What TC says: “A role this time filled by Bronson Arroyo the human string cheese.”

What TC means: Remember that ad for Polly-O String Cheese? The one in the mid-1980s You know, “Hey Jimmy, give me a pizza with extra cheese, and hold the tomato sauce, and the crust.” I loved that commercial.

What TC says: “The Red Sox' plastic man lasted 7 1/3 innings.”

What TC means: While I was deserting my co-workers in the middle of baseball season, I did still mange to read KEYS TO THE GAME and caught the bit about the birthday cake and the little plastic Red Sox. That was a good bit, I think I should steal it.

What TC says: “The latter after a sacrifice bunt (the Sox' ninth this season) by firefly Dave Roberts.”

What TC means: Let’s see, if Arroyo is made out of both cheese and plastic then Roberts is what? A grasshopper? No…wait…a ladybug? No that’s awful…a…firefly? Yeah, firefly. But he’s also giraffe.

What TC says: “The beefy Mirabelli”

What TC means: String cheese and beef, now that’s a battery of deliciousness.

What TC says: “Right now, they're doing just fine by themselves.”

What TC means: Unlike those b*tches at the Inside Track. I can’t believe they agreed to do that Herald Veterans for Truth commercial.

3. We learned in today’s Globe that Doug Mientkiewicz (Note: Jose can now spell Mientkiewicz without looking. God he hopes it’s on the GRE) hears the theme to “Chariots of Fire” in his head every time he thinks he can beat out a ball. Needless to say, this got Jose thinking about what other players hear while running the bases.

Trot/Mosey Nixon: Trot, trot to Boston, trot, trot to Lynn

Manny Ramirez:The 59th Street bridge song by Simon and Garfunkel “Slow down, you move to fast, got to make this morning last, Just kicking down the cobble stones. Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.”

Mark Bellhorn: I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash

Kevin Millar: The Chicken Dance

Kevin Youkilis: What if (Greek) God Was One of Us by Joan Osbourne

Dave Roberts: I Think We’re Alone now “Running just as fast as we can, holding on to one another’s hands.”

Johnny Damon: A Mighty Fortress is Our God, by Martin Luther

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3 comments:

SoSH lurker said...

Since I don't have the privledge of SoSH membership, I will post my comments to the KEYS here. Best "What TC says and what TC means" key yet.

"They would win, could win in a boat. They would win, could win with a goat. They will not lose not here, or there. They will not lose, not anywhere."

Classic!

absintheofmalaise said...

"and if I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
and if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat"

yet another non member of SOSH
wants to express his thanks for your keys
I give thanks to others for Alicia's keys

Anonymous said...

Jose - As a long time SoSH lurker, it gives me great pleasure to comment. The "KEYS" are great and one of three key reasons I lurk at SoSH. I've sent a few e-mails trying to join but have always had my e-mail returned with an "in box full" message. I always hear Elvis when this happens.

Being from Western Mass, I especially enjoyed hearing your thoughts about our fair part of the state. I have invented a couple of games, my favorite being "throw". It involves throwing a ball as far as you can. Whoever can throw farthest wins. Very simple. The trick is the game is played in the woods, so there are many obstacles. The best part of the game is that it's drinking friendly.

Peace.