Thursday, August 26

Re: August 26th - Bronson get a Win

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. As best Jose understands, Tony Castrati has not written for the Herald for pretty much the entire month of August due to the birth of his son. (Note: Is it a coincidence that the Sox have been on fire in August?) The birth of child is as joyous an event as there is in this world, and Jose has nothing mean or snide to say about it. In fact, Jose would like to congratulate Tony and express his wish that Tony’s son bring him much pride and joy.

Now that that is over with, let the vicious ad hominum attacks resume! Castrati you took a month of paternity leave? Are you serious? Jose doesn’t know which shocks him more, that a Neanderthal rag like the Herald would allow paternity leave (Note: Jose suspects it was vacation time) or that a baseball columnist would take it in the middle of the season. Jose has said it before, he’ll say it again: if a Red Sox player skipped a month of the season for an injury, much less the birth of a child, Castrati would be all over him. We’d spend days reading about how he doesn’t really want to play here and is insulting his teammates, yet Castrati disappears for a full month of the season and we’re supposed to be okay with it? You know what? Jose thinks that maybe Castrati doesn’t really want to work for the Herald. Jose knows this will be a tough decision for Pat Purcell to make, but it’s time to send Castrati to the Chicago Sun-Times for Jay Mariotti and a barrel of ink. (Note: Is there a worse sports columnist on Earth than Mariotti? (Note: No.)

Listen to this recent advertisement about Castrati’s absence. (Note: The below are lies, you know, fiction, so no one sue.)

Narrator: Tony Castrati would like you to think he’s a veteran reporter and a team player, but the men who served with him have a different story.

Jeff Horrigan: (Over images of Horrigan typing furiously…then fade to an image of Castrati at the beach) It was awful. When Tony left, they upped my quota from four stories a day to eight. My typing fingers bleed now. When we needed him, he wasn’t there.

Michael Silverman: (Over images of Castrati sitting in a lawn chair sipping a strawberry daiquiri.) Tony Castrati says he’s a baseball writer, but what kind of baseball writer takes August off?

Gayle Fee and Laura Raposa: (Over images of Castrati playing craps at Foxwoods) As gossip columnists, we’ve seen a lot of sick freaky things in this town from sports stars in drag, to the fact that two obnoxious biddies get paid to chase celebrities around town and write about their struggles and failures, but to abandon your colleagues at their time of need? That’s a whole different kind of wrong. There are a million stories in the naked city, and this one makes us sick.

Tony Castrati’s colleagues trusted him and he abandoned them…can you trust him?

This ad was paid for by Boston Herald Veterans for Truth.

2. Now Doug Mientkiewicz is hurt too. Super good. As best Jose can tell, that means that no infielder has been with the team all year except for Kevin Millar and David Ortiz. (Note: Okay, this was true before last night too, but so what.)

How bad has it gotten? It’s gotten so bad that even former Sox infielders are getting hurt. Jose has it on good authority than Spike Owen stubbed his toe the other night, Billy Joe Robideuax has hemorrhoids and Marty Barrett is facing the heartbreak of psoriasis. And future Sox infielders aren’t being spared either. Just yesterday Traverse City, Michigan ten year-old John Hume, who will play 45 games at second base for the Sox in 2018 before being released, fell off of his bicycle and scraped his knee. Yes, the injury bug continues to infect the franchise.

Moreover, with Vartiek under suspension and Mientkiewicz hurt, Jose is pretty sure that Kevin Millar becomes the back up catcher. Jose has a better idea. If, God forbid, Doug Mirabelli gets hurt tonight, the Sox should do what Jose did when he wanted to practice pitching as a child and no one was around, set up a lawn chair behind home plate and use it to block throws. (Note: Jose would only throw 25 mph knuckleballs, they were very effective against invisible men.) Jose, figures the lawn chair would stop at least as many balls as Millar, and it would show great patience in the batter’s box as well.

3. Jose was deeply disappointed by Gordon Edes’ story today entitled “Damon Deals With Demons.” Since, Damon has emerged as a Christ figure, Jose assumed that the story would be about him dispensing with Lucifer’s minions, but it turns out that it’s just about his concussion.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

From yet another SOSH lurker. The T-shirt could use the Sox logo, only have two golden keys where the socks would normally go. In addition to past and future spare 2Bs, getting hurt, it's spreading to the fans. I've sprained both my thumbs this summer. Please, for Damon's sake, type carefully, and make the shirts available for out of towners at the other end of the Mass. Pike.

Anonymous said...

um, that would be 3 KEYS on the t-shirt design

Anonymous said...

Yes, I'm another SoSHer. A lifer. Jose, you better give Pedro some good vibes today, although hopefully he won't need tham against Detroit. Jose, did you know you're famous on a puny little forum devoted to custom PCs? See a post by JerryMouse in a thread called "Intel's new platform" in a forum called "Other Hardware Article Discussion" at

By the way, I've heard it said that JerryMouse got his name from Frank Catalanatto. Jerry thinks Frank looks like JerryMouse with his big ears and eyes, but has the misfortune of having a name that begins with Cat and of playing on a bird team. No wonder he's been sidelined for the season. He's probably having an identity crisis. JerryMouse, the PC Guru, on the other hand, appears to have no such issues.

GO Jose! GO Pedro! Go Sox!