Wednesday, August 25

From SoSH: Re: August 25th - Curt do This

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose apologizes for being so late with today’s KEYS. He really hopes that people weren’t’ wondering if he’d ditched SoSH based on the early success of KEYS TO THE GAME (Now in Blog!!!). That will never happen, and not in the "I’d never leave Boston except to player closer to home" sense of the expression.

The truth is Jose spent almost the entire day in the Berkshires, driving to the Berkshires and driving from the Berkshires. Six hours of driving for a to hour meeting, but it was Jose’s meeting, so he had to be there.

Jose typically writes the KEYS at home sometime between the end of the evening’s game and the start of the workday and then posts them during a break in the action at work, but today there was no time. Jose went to bed early and then got up at the crack of dawn to hop on the Pike. (Note: One does not hop on to the Pike, one fight’s his way on. This morning at the entrance from Storrow Drive West all traffic signals were being ignored by everyone. If there are any anarchists out there, Jose now knows what anarchy looks like, and he does not care for it.) (Additional Note: While the Mass. Pike ends on a dock in Seattle, or so Jose understands, they do not call it the Mass. Pike out there. Go figure.)

Anyway, Jose’s meeting ended at 1ish, so he figured to be back in Boston by 3:30 to 4:00 PM depending on traffic. But then Jose had his great idea. Jose had recently heard that baseball was actually invented in Pittsfield, so he figured that the Baseball Hall of Fame must have been relocated to Pittsfield. Jose was at the fake Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, where baseball wasn’t invented, in 1990, and he though it would be fun to go to the real Hall of Fame where baseball was invented now and look at the hole in the wall where Pete Rose’s plaque would be if he weren’t a liar a crook and a total fraud. (Note: One of Jose’s all-time favorite wrestling moments was when Kane gave Rose a tombstone piledriver at Wrestlemania XVI at the New Boston Garden. Actually it may be the only moment Jose has ever enjoyed Kane’s work in the ring, well that and the other times he beat up Pete Rose.) If Rose really wants to be in the Hall, maybe they should stamp his face on the urinal pucks; that would be an appropriate homage to his impact on the game.

Anyway, Jose drove around for about 90 minutes looking and as best he can tell there is no baseball Hall of Fame in Pittsfield. Jose knows that’s hard to believe, but it appears to be the case. Jose stopped at the tourist center (Note: Yes, Pittsfield has a tourist center) and a few gas stations, but no one had heard of the baseball Hall of Fame in Pittsfield. What an outrage.
(Note: The good folks of Western Massachusetts may just be the most inventive sportsmen in the world. Jose knows baseball was invented there, and basketball too (though Jose believes Dr. Naismith was a Canadian). Even volleyball was invented in Holyoke.
So keep an eye out for the next big thing being invented today in some gym nestled in Berkshire, Franklin Hampden or Hamsphire county. Jose is betting it’s a mix of bocce and biathlon.

2. Jose just learned today that there is a town called Sheffield in Berkshire County. Jose knew about Peru, Massachusetts and Florida Massachusetts, but not Sheffield. In light of baseball developments, Jose would like to propose a bill in the Legislature by free petition (the right of any Massachusetts citizen to file a bill) to have it renamed Kapler, Massachusetts at least until Mosey Nixon is healthy enough for us to have it named Nixon, Massachusetts. Jose doesn’t see why we couldn’t do this. After all, we had the town of Mussina, Massachusetts renamed Wakefield.

Alternatively, we could just cede it to New York since it’s on the border. Actually, screw that second idea. Jose isn’t ceding anything to New York this year!!!

3. Jose can’t believe it, Tony Castrati is finally back. Well, not writing for the Herald, you know, doing his job. (Note: Unless he’s been covering the shocking scandal that Boston was prepared for violence at the Democratic Convention. What a stupid idea, to prepare for anything other than the best case scenario.) But Jose heard him on EEI this afternoon. Jose figures he can’t go back to writing because it makes Jose’s life too easy with the Tony Castrati translator. Jose could hypothetically listen to him on EEI and write it down and translate it be an awful lot of effort to rip a non-writer. (Note: Next time he writes a story shouldn’t the byline read "Tony Castrati is an occasional contributor?)

Jose’s idea is that they should get one of those professional simultaneous translators, like they have at the UN but one who can translate Castratese to English. So when Castrati says something on the radio like "Glenn, I’m just saying that it’s a two way street. If Curt Schilling (sic) isn’t willing to work with the media we have no obligation to help publicize his charity events," it will be instantly translate from high pitched gibberish to a soothing baritone saying "My name is Tony Castrati and I hate sick children."

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Jose - glad to see that you got to spend part of the day in the nicest part of the state (well, maybe not Pittsfield, but the rest of the county is nice). Sorry you missed the baseball Hall of Fame, but you couldn't have missed all of the colorful sheep littering downtown Pittsfield. Bring the Melendezette back in the fall when the leaves are colorful.


PS - all of those sheep are being put up for auction on September 18 - minimum bid, $1,000 per sheep.