It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The Red Sox continue their swing through the National League Central today with the first game of a series against the Chicago Cubs that is completely and utterly without symbolic and historic significance. That’s right this series has no special meaning. None.
Yes, yes the Red Sox beat the Cubs to win the 1918 World Series, but so what? We beat the Pirates to win the 1903 World Series, and when we play them it’s nothing more than a footnote of modest interest. Nor does anyone recount the glory of 1915 when we play the Phillies. The Cubs are just another team with whom the Red Sox share no special relationship whatsoever aside from the fact that they both play in very old and cool stadiums. When push comes to shove the Red Sox are the defending World Champions and the Cubs are a team that believes that they were cursed by a goat. It’s true. Cubs fans (note: or at least Cubs beat writers) now track their failures to livestock rather than the cheapness of the Tribune Company. But it got Jose thinking, if the Cubs were cursed by a farm animal what animal might be responsible for the curse that has held the Yankees championshipless in the 21st century despite spending more than one-half billion dollars? Since the real source of their troubles is George Steinbrenner, Jose would have to say it’s “The Curse of the Jackass.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, June 10
Wednesday, June 8
6/8/05 -- Wells vs. Carpenter
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Well, the St. Louis Cardinals are finally showing some life against the Red Sox long after the World Series spotlight has dimmed and the media hordes have drifted off. Why the difference now? Perhaps the World Series logo on the jerseys set their hitters off balance.
Yes, a two game losing streak to a very good team in June is relatively unimportant, but Jose worries that this series is highlighting the difference between this year’s Sox team and last year’s championship edition.
The reason the Red Sox had such an easy time in last year’s World Series was their starting pitching. We had great starters, they had merely good starters. Over the course of the season our rotation was not so much better than theirs, but in the October chill, our great pitchers pitched great and their good pitchers pitched poorly. (Note: Okay even our bad pitchers like DLowe, pitched great).
What troubles Jose is that when he looks at the Red Sox rotation right now, he sees the St. Louis rotation from 2004. Five perfectly good pitchers, any of whom he is happy to have in his rotation, but who among them would you like to have pitch Game 1 of the World Series for you?
Right now the Sox rotation is like playing five card draw and getting dealt a King, a Queen, a Jack a Ten all hearts, and then having a 9 of clubs. Yes, all of those cards are just fine, and any of them could be part of a great hand under the right circumstances, but with those five together, you’ve got a loser. Yes, you can bluff your way along with it for a while, but when the time comes to draw, you need to trade that nine in and pray for the ace of hearts. If you draw that ace of hearts then you have something special, if you draw any heart you’ve got something good and if you pick up any other ace or a ten you have something okay, but be assured, the status quo is not good enough. (Note: Jose knows that poker analogies are cliché, but he would like to take credit for defying fashion by using a five card draw analogy rather than a hold ‘em analogy.)
The question is how do you force the ace? Drawing a healthy Curt Euro is the clearest possibility, but who knows if it is a realistic one. So what are the other options? With Ben Sheets and Johann Santana safely tied up and Roger Clemens an overpriced relic who cannot be relied upon to beat Jeff Suppan in the big games, Jose thinks we are stuck relying on holograms or possibly robots… robots have been good before. (Note: What did you really think you were going to get sound analysis of the market for starting pitchers from KEYS TO THE GAME? If you want sounds analysis, go to the SoSH main board. If you want robots as the answer for pretty much everything, come to the KEYS.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Well, the St. Louis Cardinals are finally showing some life against the Red Sox long after the World Series spotlight has dimmed and the media hordes have drifted off. Why the difference now? Perhaps the World Series logo on the jerseys set their hitters off balance.
Yes, a two game losing streak to a very good team in June is relatively unimportant, but Jose worries that this series is highlighting the difference between this year’s Sox team and last year’s championship edition.
The reason the Red Sox had such an easy time in last year’s World Series was their starting pitching. We had great starters, they had merely good starters. Over the course of the season our rotation was not so much better than theirs, but in the October chill, our great pitchers pitched great and their good pitchers pitched poorly. (Note: Okay even our bad pitchers like DLowe, pitched great).
What troubles Jose is that when he looks at the Red Sox rotation right now, he sees the St. Louis rotation from 2004. Five perfectly good pitchers, any of whom he is happy to have in his rotation, but who among them would you like to have pitch Game 1 of the World Series for you?
Right now the Sox rotation is like playing five card draw and getting dealt a King, a Queen, a Jack a Ten all hearts, and then having a 9 of clubs. Yes, all of those cards are just fine, and any of them could be part of a great hand under the right circumstances, but with those five together, you’ve got a loser. Yes, you can bluff your way along with it for a while, but when the time comes to draw, you need to trade that nine in and pray for the ace of hearts. If you draw that ace of hearts then you have something special, if you draw any heart you’ve got something good and if you pick up any other ace or a ten you have something okay, but be assured, the status quo is not good enough. (Note: Jose knows that poker analogies are cliché, but he would like to take credit for defying fashion by using a five card draw analogy rather than a hold ‘em analogy.)
The question is how do you force the ace? Drawing a healthy Curt Euro is the clearest possibility, but who knows if it is a realistic one. So what are the other options? With Ben Sheets and Johann Santana safely tied up and Roger Clemens an overpriced relic who cannot be relied upon to beat Jeff Suppan in the big games, Jose thinks we are stuck relying on holograms or possibly robots… robots have been good before. (Note: What did you really think you were going to get sound analysis of the market for starting pitchers from KEYS TO THE GAME? If you want sounds analysis, go to the SoSH main board. If you want robots as the answer for pretty much everything, come to the KEYS.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, June 7
6/7/05 – World’s Worst Hitter vs. World’s Worst Baserunner
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yesterday, a friend of Jose’s forwarded an inquiry to him from a discussion board at her office.
Red Sox Dance Figure Symbolism Query (Again)
A little while ago I asked for input from Red Sox fans regarding a folkdance a friend of mine is writing. (It will be set to a tune called"The Reverse the Curse Reel," which a Boston-area fiddler wrote last fall.)
She is looking for a little more help:
"We are almost done devising this thing, and it actually seems to work.However, we're hoping to find a Red Sox or baseball connection for an odd feature we're faced with. The dance ends with parallel reels of 3 on the sides, which flow perfectly from the preceding figure. The women need to end it either awkwardly, as per RSCDS standard, or do a twiddle, which isn't standard but is more fun. We're inclined to go with the twiddle, but would love to justify it with some symbolism.
So, can you (or any of your useful connections) think of a connection for a hook, or a twiddle, or taking a long path, or any other way one could describe doing the extra loop on a reel of 3? Of course, a manager gives a pitcher the hook. Can we work that in? Is it an appropriate way to end the dance?"
[The reel is a figure in which three dancers walk the same figure of eight path simultaneously, starting in different spots. The twiddle is an extra turn or twirl the women have to put in to end in place facing in the right direction.]
Thanks.
Here’s Jose’s take on it… Huh?
As you know, Jose has made a blogging career out of connecting pretty much any human endeavor (note: wrestling, politics, crochet, fly fishing) to Red Sox baseball, but this may be beyond even his formidable powers.
Nevertheless, Jose will give it a try. But before he starts, Jose needs to define the terms here. The posting provides a definition for “twiddle” and “reel,” but not “RSCDS.” Let’s look it up. Hold on for just a moment more… There. It stands for Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. Good thing Jose looked it up; his best guesses were that it stood for either Red Sox Castoff Donnie Sadler or Red Sox Calamity Dale Sveum. Now that we’ve defined our terms let’s dive deep into the symbolism.
Now, since this is a “folk dance” the absolute easiest thing in the world would be to tie it in to closer Keith Foulke, for whom folk dancing is named. If we looked for a symbolic move based on Foulke’s performance this year, it would almost certainly involve the men spinning the women into each other and the whole group ending up in a bruised mess on the ground.
Fortunately, the dance is called the “Reverse of the Curse Reel,” so they’re probably looking for something connected to last year, thereby avoiding the pile of mangled folk dancers that is Keith Foulke’s 2005 season. In fact, last year’s accomplishment is too big to limit to Keith Foulke, as great as he was, so let’s build a dance that will honor the whole squad. Jose set off to actually learn some dance terminology that goes beyond twiddling with the help of www.wallballsingle.com
1. Yesterday, a friend of Jose’s forwarded an inquiry to him from a discussion board at her office.
Red Sox Dance Figure Symbolism Query (Again)
A little while ago I asked for input from Red Sox fans regarding a folkdance a friend of mine is writing. (It will be set to a tune called"The Reverse the Curse Reel," which a Boston-area fiddler wrote last fall.)
She is looking for a little more help:
"We are almost done devising this thing, and it actually seems to work.However, we're hoping to find a Red Sox or baseball connection for an odd feature we're faced with. The dance ends with parallel reels of 3 on the sides, which flow perfectly from the preceding figure. The women need to end it either awkwardly, as per RSCDS standard, or do a twiddle, which isn't standard but is more fun. We're inclined to go with the twiddle, but would love to justify it with some symbolism.
So, can you (or any of your useful connections) think of a connection for a hook, or a twiddle, or taking a long path, or any other way one could describe doing the extra loop on a reel of 3? Of course, a manager gives a pitcher the hook. Can we work that in? Is it an appropriate way to end the dance?"
[The reel is a figure in which three dancers walk the same figure of eight path simultaneously, starting in different spots. The twiddle is an extra turn or twirl the women have to put in to end in place facing in the right direction.]
Thanks.
Here’s Jose’s take on it… Huh?
As you know, Jose has made a blogging career out of connecting pretty much any human endeavor (note: wrestling, politics, crochet, fly fishing) to Red Sox baseball, but this may be beyond even his formidable powers.
Nevertheless, Jose will give it a try. But before he starts, Jose needs to define the terms here. The posting provides a definition for “twiddle” and “reel,” but not “RSCDS.” Let’s look it up. Hold on for just a moment more… There. It stands for Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. Good thing Jose looked it up; his best guesses were that it stood for either Red Sox Castoff Donnie Sadler or Red Sox Calamity Dale Sveum. Now that we’ve defined our terms let’s dive deep into the symbolism.
Now, since this is a “folk dance” the absolute easiest thing in the world would be to tie it in to closer Keith Foulke, for whom folk dancing is named. If we looked for a symbolic move based on Foulke’s performance this year, it would almost certainly involve the men spinning the women into each other and the whole group ending up in a bruised mess on the ground.
Fortunately, the dance is called the “Reverse of the Curse Reel,” so they’re probably looking for something connected to last year, thereby avoiding the pile of mangled folk dancers that is Keith Foulke’s 2005 season. In fact, last year’s accomplishment is too big to limit to Keith Foulke, as great as he was, so let’s build a dance that will honor the whole squad. Jose set off to actually learn some dance terminology that goes beyond twiddling with the help of www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, June 6
6/6/05 – Sox look for 5 Straight over St. Louis
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. With yesterday’s Red Sox win, Jose’s 2005 record climbed to an impressive 3-0 prompting whispers about whether he might be a dark horse candidate for the All-Star team and questions as to whether his diminished innings in the early part of the season will prevent the woes that led him to pick up losses in his final five appearances of 2004.
While Jose’s record as a patron has been terrific, his record at the Fenway attendance quiz has been the mirror image, as Jose fell to 0-3 yesterday. Jose used to get attendance quizzes right most of the time, not as often as his friend Joel, who claims to have gotten every quiz he has seen right for 15 years, but still often. Also unlike Joel, Jose is not making things up. But lately, Jose just can’t get the job done. Thankfully, Jose has a simple and logical explanation for his futility – the new Red Sox ownership.
Yes, yes, Henry, Werner and Lucchino have won a World Series, expanded Fenway and improve concessions, but what they have done to the attendance quiz is just unconscionable. Yesterday, the official attendance was 35,008. The other final choice in the attendance quiz was 35,067. That’s a difference of 59. Fifty-Nine!!! That’s less than two-tenths of one percent. Tenths of a percent may mean something for interest rates, or stock prices or whatever the heck John Henry deals in, but they mean nothing in attendance quizzes. Nothing!!! Jose believes in high standards, he opposes the soft bigotry of low expectations, but expecting fans to make a distinction that fine in the attendance quiz is setting them up for failure. It is like asking Sox manager Terry Eurona to pick a utility man from a field consisting entirely of Ramon Vasquez and Cesar Crespo. Yes, there is some infinitesimal difference, and one must be better than the other, but the differences are indistinguishable to the naked eye. Whether one is right or wrong is strictly luck.
So here is what Jose proposes, for the next attendance quiz, the Red Sox should offer the following choices:
A. The actual attendance
B. The number of chicken wings Kevin Millar has eaten in the past year
C. Alan Embree’s ERA
D. Johnny Damon’s batting average out to five decimal places.
All of those should be somewhere between 30,000 and 37,000.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. With yesterday’s Red Sox win, Jose’s 2005 record climbed to an impressive 3-0 prompting whispers about whether he might be a dark horse candidate for the All-Star team and questions as to whether his diminished innings in the early part of the season will prevent the woes that led him to pick up losses in his final five appearances of 2004.
While Jose’s record as a patron has been terrific, his record at the Fenway attendance quiz has been the mirror image, as Jose fell to 0-3 yesterday. Jose used to get attendance quizzes right most of the time, not as often as his friend Joel, who claims to have gotten every quiz he has seen right for 15 years, but still often. Also unlike Joel, Jose is not making things up. But lately, Jose just can’t get the job done. Thankfully, Jose has a simple and logical explanation for his futility – the new Red Sox ownership.
Yes, yes, Henry, Werner and Lucchino have won a World Series, expanded Fenway and improve concessions, but what they have done to the attendance quiz is just unconscionable. Yesterday, the official attendance was 35,008. The other final choice in the attendance quiz was 35,067. That’s a difference of 59. Fifty-Nine!!! That’s less than two-tenths of one percent. Tenths of a percent may mean something for interest rates, or stock prices or whatever the heck John Henry deals in, but they mean nothing in attendance quizzes. Nothing!!! Jose believes in high standards, he opposes the soft bigotry of low expectations, but expecting fans to make a distinction that fine in the attendance quiz is setting them up for failure. It is like asking Sox manager Terry Eurona to pick a utility man from a field consisting entirely of Ramon Vasquez and Cesar Crespo. Yes, there is some infinitesimal difference, and one must be better than the other, but the differences are indistinguishable to the naked eye. Whether one is right or wrong is strictly luck.
So here is what Jose proposes, for the next attendance quiz, the Red Sox should offer the following choices:
A. The actual attendance
B. The number of chicken wings Kevin Millar has eaten in the past year
C. Alan Embree’s ERA
D. Johnny Damon’s batting average out to five decimal places.
All of those should be somewhere between 30,000 and 37,000.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Sunday, June 5
6/5/05 – Ohne Umlaut vs. Ohne Chance
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Earlier in the week, Jose sent this very link to a friend of a friend, let’s call her Liz, who works in publishing and had suggested that she might be able to send KEYS on to someone in the company who keeps an eye on blogs as part of a search for literary talent. (Note: Whoops, Jose forgot that when one uses a “let’s call her” one is supposed to make up a name. Nuts.) Then at a barbecue last night Jose got the heartbreaking news. Liz couldn’t understand the KEYS at all. Not the wrestling analogies, not the comic book material and certainly not any of the meager baseball commentary. And it made Jose sad. Not sad because the odds are that his slim chances of being picked up by a mid-major publishing house have dwindled to none. Jose knew that dream was as distant as the Sox winning the Series. (Note: Wait… Crap… Jose might have had a chance.) No, he is sad because of what this revelation says about the state of liberal arts education in America.
This woman went to the same private university as Jose, and yet she came out without even the most rudimentary knowledge of the history of WrestleMania or the differences between the three Green Goblins. Can the curriculum really have changed so much in the two years that separated them? Maybe it’s that Jose was in an interdisciplinary program which combined disciplines like wrestling, television and literature? Sure, she is extremely knowledgeable about literature, Latin and poetry, but can those alone truly compensate for inadequate knowledge about the card at the original SummerSlam? It just speaks to a shocking unevenness in our universities. Jose, hopes, he desperately, desperately, hopes that Boston University’s newly appointed president, Robert Brown takes a serious look at placing more emphasis on baseball, wrestling and comic books in the core curriculum.
But what does all of this have to due with baseball? After all, this is an inaccessible baseball blog, not an inaccessible something else blog. Well, Jose is worried that an improperly balanced education may be endangering the senses of humor of future generations and endangering their ability to come up with suitable bleacher patter. (Note: Did Jose succeed in making a KEY that has nothing to do with baseball about baseball? You make the call!) You know bleacher patter. The ongoing dialogue consisting largely of obscure details that two knowledgeable fans are able to maintain throughout the course of a game with the help of the demon rum. Bleacher patter is completely contingent upon a broad based education.
As Jose’s friend Karl once pointed out upon hearing a fan yell “Hey, ump if you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops,” a good sense of humor (note: and by extension good fandom) is clearly rooted in a classical education. If we do not invest in our young people now, who will be the fans of the future? Who will compare Derek Jeter to Narcissus, or Ellis Burks to Spiderman villain the Lizard? Jose weeps for the future.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Earlier in the week, Jose sent this very link to a friend of a friend, let’s call her Liz, who works in publishing and had suggested that she might be able to send KEYS on to someone in the company who keeps an eye on blogs as part of a search for literary talent. (Note: Whoops, Jose forgot that when one uses a “let’s call her” one is supposed to make up a name. Nuts.) Then at a barbecue last night Jose got the heartbreaking news. Liz couldn’t understand the KEYS at all. Not the wrestling analogies, not the comic book material and certainly not any of the meager baseball commentary. And it made Jose sad. Not sad because the odds are that his slim chances of being picked up by a mid-major publishing house have dwindled to none. Jose knew that dream was as distant as the Sox winning the Series. (Note: Wait… Crap… Jose might have had a chance.) No, he is sad because of what this revelation says about the state of liberal arts education in America.
This woman went to the same private university as Jose, and yet she came out without even the most rudimentary knowledge of the history of WrestleMania or the differences between the three Green Goblins. Can the curriculum really have changed so much in the two years that separated them? Maybe it’s that Jose was in an interdisciplinary program which combined disciplines like wrestling, television and literature? Sure, she is extremely knowledgeable about literature, Latin and poetry, but can those alone truly compensate for inadequate knowledge about the card at the original SummerSlam? It just speaks to a shocking unevenness in our universities. Jose, hopes, he desperately, desperately, hopes that Boston University’s newly appointed president, Robert Brown takes a serious look at placing more emphasis on baseball, wrestling and comic books in the core curriculum.
But what does all of this have to due with baseball? After all, this is an inaccessible baseball blog, not an inaccessible something else blog. Well, Jose is worried that an improperly balanced education may be endangering the senses of humor of future generations and endangering their ability to come up with suitable bleacher patter. (Note: Did Jose succeed in making a KEY that has nothing to do with baseball about baseball? You make the call!) You know bleacher patter. The ongoing dialogue consisting largely of obscure details that two knowledgeable fans are able to maintain throughout the course of a game with the help of the demon rum. Bleacher patter is completely contingent upon a broad based education.
As Jose’s friend Karl once pointed out upon hearing a fan yell “Hey, ump if you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops,” a good sense of humor (note: and by extension good fandom) is clearly rooted in a classical education. If we do not invest in our young people now, who will be the fans of the future? Who will compare Derek Jeter to Narcissus, or Ellis Burks to Spiderman villain the Lizard? Jose weeps for the future.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, June 2
6/2/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. Founder of UPenn
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose fears that his hearing is now what it used to be. Or is it his listening? Either way.
Jose walked past Fenway last night at about nine o’clock after finishing an excellent meal at Brown Sugar Café (note: perhaps the best restaurant relative to price in Boston) and was strolling back to the North End with three friends, one of whom was in town from Baton Rouge. As we walked by the ballpark a cheer went up. Jose paused for a moment and assessed the cacophony. Then he declared “That was a good sign, those were not the sarcastic cheers of fans whose team is way behind. Those were honest, enthusiastic cheers. The Sox are either way ahead, or the game is close.”
When Jose walked a block further his best hopes were confirmed, the scoreboard showed Kelly Shoppach on the Jumbotron. Surely, his insertion into the game proved that the Sox were way ahead.
Then things started to unravel. Jose started thinking that the Sox were only two hours in to the game, and they couldn’t possibly have inserted Shoppach with Wakefield still in the game. Maybe the Sox weren’t up after all? Maybe it wasn’t even close. Then as Jose walked past the bars of Boylston Street, he saw the silhouette of Sidney Ponson’s portly frame on a dozen television screens.
Jose’s concern became denial. As Jose reached Berkley Street and entered a bar, he got his first glimpse of a scoreboard. Boston 3, Baltimore 0. They are ahead! But not by much. Then reality triumphed over hope. Jose’s eyes focused more sharply and a stream of white pixels formed a violent scratch across the zero next to Baltimore. As the zero became a heartbreaking eight, the cold, unpleasant truth of the moment slapped Jose across the face like A-Rod swatting a first baseman’s mitt.
“Eight” thought Jose! “Eight? Chinese lucky number Jose’s *ss.”
And now Jose does not know what to believe. His ears deceived him; his eyes deceived him. But perhaps, Jose is not losing his senses, perhaps the world was just senseless last night. As Jose read the paper the next day, he learned that they were heartfelt cheers that he heard, that the Sox were making a serious push to win the game. And Kelly Shoppach? Shoppach’s appearance was an odd anomaly, the act of a manager who yielded too soon.
No, it was the world that had gone mad, not Jose.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Jose fears that his hearing is now what it used to be. Or is it his listening? Either way.
Jose walked past Fenway last night at about nine o’clock after finishing an excellent meal at Brown Sugar Café (note: perhaps the best restaurant relative to price in Boston) and was strolling back to the North End with three friends, one of whom was in town from Baton Rouge. As we walked by the ballpark a cheer went up. Jose paused for a moment and assessed the cacophony. Then he declared “That was a good sign, those were not the sarcastic cheers of fans whose team is way behind. Those were honest, enthusiastic cheers. The Sox are either way ahead, or the game is close.”
When Jose walked a block further his best hopes were confirmed, the scoreboard showed Kelly Shoppach on the Jumbotron. Surely, his insertion into the game proved that the Sox were way ahead.
Then things started to unravel. Jose started thinking that the Sox were only two hours in to the game, and they couldn’t possibly have inserted Shoppach with Wakefield still in the game. Maybe the Sox weren’t up after all? Maybe it wasn’t even close. Then as Jose walked past the bars of Boylston Street, he saw the silhouette of Sidney Ponson’s portly frame on a dozen television screens.
Jose’s concern became denial. As Jose reached Berkley Street and entered a bar, he got his first glimpse of a scoreboard. Boston 3, Baltimore 0. They are ahead! But not by much. Then reality triumphed over hope. Jose’s eyes focused more sharply and a stream of white pixels formed a violent scratch across the zero next to Baltimore. As the zero became a heartbreaking eight, the cold, unpleasant truth of the moment slapped Jose across the face like A-Rod swatting a first baseman’s mitt.
“Eight” thought Jose! “Eight? Chinese lucky number Jose’s *ss.”
And now Jose does not know what to believe. His ears deceived him; his eyes deceived him. But perhaps, Jose is not losing his senses, perhaps the world was just senseless last night. As Jose read the paper the next day, he learned that they were heartfelt cheers that he heard, that the Sox were making a serious push to win the game. And Kelly Shoppach? Shoppach’s appearance was an odd anomaly, the act of a manager who yielded too soon.
No, it was the world that had gone mad, not Jose.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, June 1
6/1/05 – Wakefield vs. Ponson
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sox manager Terry Eurona removed Johnny Damon from last night’s game after the centerfielder split his head open running into the cold hard steal of the outfield fence. In Jose’s opinion this is an inexcusable managerial failure on Eurona’s part. Yes Damon was bleeding, yes his face was well on its way to becoming the proverbial “crimson mask,” but Damon was prepared to stay in and he should have.
Did King Kong Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan replace him with Big John Studd when Bundy was split open during his cage match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 2? Did the Undertaker’s manager Paul Bearer yank him out of his Hell in a Cell match with Mick Foley when his face was split by iron? No, because both of those men are competitors who wanted to stay in the game, just like Johnny Damon.
There is a reason that baseball and wrestling are the only two sports that use the term “manager” rather than coach. It is because the two sports share a common flow and continuity that other sports lack, and the job of a manager, unlike a coach is to guide his team or wrestler along that flow, like a rafter managing treacherous rapids. A coach cajoles, urges, inspires, but a manager simply manages; he takes the events that come to him and makes adjustments. Eurona has been a very good manager, the best Sox manager of Jose’s lifetime, but last night’s decision was reminiscent of Arnold Skaaland’s decision to throw in the towel when his man, WWF champion Bob Backlund, was locked in the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch. Of course, the Sheik later claimed that he had bribed Skaaland with oriental carpets. So how many carpets did Lee Mazzilli give you last night Tito? How many???
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Sox manager Terry Eurona removed Johnny Damon from last night’s game after the centerfielder split his head open running into the cold hard steal of the outfield fence. In Jose’s opinion this is an inexcusable managerial failure on Eurona’s part. Yes Damon was bleeding, yes his face was well on its way to becoming the proverbial “crimson mask,” but Damon was prepared to stay in and he should have.
Did King Kong Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan replace him with Big John Studd when Bundy was split open during his cage match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 2? Did the Undertaker’s manager Paul Bearer yank him out of his Hell in a Cell match with Mick Foley when his face was split by iron? No, because both of those men are competitors who wanted to stay in the game, just like Johnny Damon.
There is a reason that baseball and wrestling are the only two sports that use the term “manager” rather than coach. It is because the two sports share a common flow and continuity that other sports lack, and the job of a manager, unlike a coach is to guide his team or wrestler along that flow, like a rafter managing treacherous rapids. A coach cajoles, urges, inspires, but a manager simply manages; he takes the events that come to him and makes adjustments. Eurona has been a very good manager, the best Sox manager of Jose’s lifetime, but last night’s decision was reminiscent of Arnold Skaaland’s decision to throw in the towel when his man, WWF champion Bob Backlund, was locked in the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch. Of course, the Sheik later claimed that he had bribed Skaaland with oriental carpets. So how many carpets did Lee Mazzilli give you last night Tito? How many???
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 31
5/31/05 – Miller vs. Cabrera
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. For the second straight year, the Boston Red Sox did their absolute best to ruin Jose’s drive home at the end of Memorial Day weekend with a horrific and boring loss to the Baltimore Orioles. (Note: Jose would like to remind the Red Sox that laying down their bats is not an appropriate tribute to our war heroes.) But never let it be said that Jose doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Much like Dale Sveum… wait… bad example… much like George Steinbrenner… no… that one doesn’t work either. Much like Theo Epstein, Jose will not make the same mistakes a second time.
Mistake number one: Jose went to the Cape last year, thereby forcing him to sit in endless bridge traffic during the game. This year Jose vacationed safely on the mainland side of the bridge… in Quincy. Ha ha!!! No Jose, made it a little further than that, but still well to the West of the Cape Cod Canal.
Mistake number two: Last year, Jose left at game time, resulting in the game playing a decisive role in determining whether the three hour trip would be tolerable. This year, Jose left an hour before game time and arrived at home a mere 15 minutes after first pitch, far before the game got out of hand.
Mistake number three: Last year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence, that Megatron Lowe was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. This year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence that Balki Arroyo was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. As a result…wait… crap… that’s not any different at all.
Apparently, Jose learned nothing. On the plus side, he looks forward to Arroyo duplicating DLowe’s postseason heroics this Fall.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. For the second straight year, the Boston Red Sox did their absolute best to ruin Jose’s drive home at the end of Memorial Day weekend with a horrific and boring loss to the Baltimore Orioles. (Note: Jose would like to remind the Red Sox that laying down their bats is not an appropriate tribute to our war heroes.) But never let it be said that Jose doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Much like Dale Sveum… wait… bad example… much like George Steinbrenner… no… that one doesn’t work either. Much like Theo Epstein, Jose will not make the same mistakes a second time.
Mistake number one: Jose went to the Cape last year, thereby forcing him to sit in endless bridge traffic during the game. This year Jose vacationed safely on the mainland side of the bridge… in Quincy. Ha ha!!! No Jose, made it a little further than that, but still well to the West of the Cape Cod Canal.
Mistake number two: Last year, Jose left at game time, resulting in the game playing a decisive role in determining whether the three hour trip would be tolerable. This year, Jose left an hour before game time and arrived at home a mere 15 minutes after first pitch, far before the game got out of hand.
Mistake number three: Last year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence, that Megatron Lowe was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. This year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence that Balki Arroyo was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. As a result…wait… crap… that’s not any different at all.
Apparently, Jose learned nothing. On the plus side, he looks forward to Arroyo duplicating DLowe’s postseason heroics this Fall.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Sunday, May 29
5/29/05 – Malign Fatty Tumor vs. It’s Not a Tumor
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Well, that’s more like it. After dropping four straight games in terrible performances, the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX finally showed some spark yesterday, absolutely dismantling the Yankees 17-1. Shockingly, the absolute best characterization of the days events came in the headline to a Tony Castrati story that read “Pavano no stranger to disastrous routs.” That’s terrific. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. (Note: Jose would like to remind everyone, at this time, that reporters, as they always tell us, do not write the headlines. So Tony Castrati gets no credit. NONE!!!!)
Of course, Castrati concluded the story with the highly scientific observation that the last time Pavano took a pummeling of this sort at the hands of the Red Sox, his team went on to win the World Series, implying that this may well happen again. Jose would like to address this specious reasoning in the style of Lisa Simpson. Tony, Jose has a rock in his pocket that keeps tigers away. How do you know it keeps Tigers away? Jose doesn’t see any Tigers around him and he doesn’t even have an y Sox Tigers tickets for this year. Therefore it must keep Tigers away. It’s exactly the same as your Pavano Principle. So how about it Tony? Five hundred dollars.
But the real story was that the Red Sox yesterday were like Frankenstein’s Monster, remarkably coming to life and in anger and disorientation absolutely trashing the room and everything in their path. Now that the World Champs have been unleashed on an unsuspecting world, we need only hope that the Yankees don’t realize that we’re afraid of fire.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Well, that’s more like it. After dropping four straight games in terrible performances, the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX finally showed some spark yesterday, absolutely dismantling the Yankees 17-1. Shockingly, the absolute best characterization of the days events came in the headline to a Tony Castrati story that read “Pavano no stranger to disastrous routs.” That’s terrific. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. (Note: Jose would like to remind everyone, at this time, that reporters, as they always tell us, do not write the headlines. So Tony Castrati gets no credit. NONE!!!!)
Of course, Castrati concluded the story with the highly scientific observation that the last time Pavano took a pummeling of this sort at the hands of the Red Sox, his team went on to win the World Series, implying that this may well happen again. Jose would like to address this specious reasoning in the style of Lisa Simpson. Tony, Jose has a rock in his pocket that keeps tigers away. How do you know it keeps Tigers away? Jose doesn’t see any Tigers around him and he doesn’t even have an y Sox Tigers tickets for this year. Therefore it must keep Tigers away. It’s exactly the same as your Pavano Principle. So how about it Tony? Five hundred dollars.
But the real story was that the Red Sox yesterday were like Frankenstein’s Monster, remarkably coming to life and in anger and disorientation absolutely trashing the room and everything in their path. Now that the World Champs have been unleashed on an unsuspecting world, we need only hope that the Yankees don’t realize that we’re afraid of fire.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, May 28
5/28/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Pavano
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. After he single handedly killed the Red Sox by getting two runners thrown out at home in the sixth inning last night, it is clear that third base coach Dale Sveum needs to be sent down to work on his fundamentals. But given the level of his performance last night, Jose thinks that Sveum is not performing well enough for Triple A, Double A or even Single A ball. Jose thinks he should be sent down to some pre school to work on playing red light/green light with pre schoolers. Hopefully, that would teach him that there are times when you should go, and times when you should stop. Jose’s fear is that this is what a game of Red Light/Green Light called by Dale Sveum would look like:
SVEUM: Okay kids, ready… Green light……….
(Sound of children running into the wall.)
Actually, we should be happy that he’s a third base coach. Imagine if he was a crossing guard, there would be kids splattered all over the crosswalk. (Note: Yes this is a variation on the famous Sveum, or was in Wendall Kim, as air traffic controller joke, but it still works.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. After he single handedly killed the Red Sox by getting two runners thrown out at home in the sixth inning last night, it is clear that third base coach Dale Sveum needs to be sent down to work on his fundamentals. But given the level of his performance last night, Jose thinks that Sveum is not performing well enough for Triple A, Double A or even Single A ball. Jose thinks he should be sent down to some pre school to work on playing red light/green light with pre schoolers. Hopefully, that would teach him that there are times when you should go, and times when you should stop. Jose’s fear is that this is what a game of Red Light/Green Light called by Dale Sveum would look like:
SVEUM: Okay kids, ready… Green light……….
(Sound of children running into the wall.)
Actually, we should be happy that he’s a third base coach. Imagine if he was a crossing guard, there would be kids splattered all over the crosswalk. (Note: Yes this is a variation on the famous Sveum, or was in Wendall Kim, as air traffic controller joke, but it still works.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 27
5/27/05 -- The Charge of the Red Brigade
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. These are desperate times friends, desperate times indeed. Ad in these times of anguish and uncertainty, it is helpful to recall that we Red Sox fans have a glorious past.
So in these dark days, we honor those who came before us, honor their sacrifices, honor their glories. So Jose Melendez is proud to present, in blatant rip off of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, the following poem.
The Charge of the Red Brigade
Two and three, two and three,
Two and three behind,
All in the filth of the Bronx
Strode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Grab for the bats!" he said:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Was Ramirez dismay'd?Not tho' Francona knewThey fought to survive:Their's not to make reply,Their's not to run and slide,Their's but to hit a fly:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees in front of themFailed to strive;Storm'd at with bats and balls,Fighting the bad umps’ calls,Into the filth of the Bronx,Hitting the ball off walls,Strode the twenty five.
Boldly they took a swing,Bidding for champion’s ring,Yankees can’t do a thing,Battling an empire, whileTrying to survive:Plunged in electric lightYankees in left and right;A-Rod and JeterReel'd from baseball’s flightThe Red Sox are alive.Then they strode back, for e’re’r “the twenty five.”
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees behind them Failed to strive;
Swinging deep for the walls,
Pitchers that throw no ballsErasing prior Falls,Came back from three to none,
Earning their curtain calls
All that was left of them,
Was “the twenty five.”
When can their glory fade?O the wild games they played!All the world alive.Honor the way they played,Honor the Red Brigade,Noble twenty five.
1. These are desperate times friends, desperate times indeed. Ad in these times of anguish and uncertainty, it is helpful to recall that we Red Sox fans have a glorious past.
So in these dark days, we honor those who came before us, honor their sacrifices, honor their glories. So Jose Melendez is proud to present, in blatant rip off of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, the following poem.
The Charge of the Red Brigade
Two and three, two and three,
Two and three behind,
All in the filth of the Bronx
Strode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Grab for the bats!" he said:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Was Ramirez dismay'd?Not tho' Francona knewThey fought to survive:Their's not to make reply,Their's not to run and slide,Their's but to hit a fly:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees in front of themFailed to strive;Storm'd at with bats and balls,Fighting the bad umps’ calls,Into the filth of the Bronx,Hitting the ball off walls,Strode the twenty five.
Boldly they took a swing,Bidding for champion’s ring,Yankees can’t do a thing,Battling an empire, whileTrying to survive:Plunged in electric lightYankees in left and right;A-Rod and JeterReel'd from baseball’s flightThe Red Sox are alive.Then they strode back, for e’re’r “the twenty five.”
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees behind them Failed to strive;
Swinging deep for the walls,
Pitchers that throw no ballsErasing prior Falls,Came back from three to none,
Earning their curtain calls
All that was left of them,
Was “the twenty five.”
When can their glory fade?O the wild games they played!All the world alive.Honor the way they played,Honor the Red Brigade,Noble twenty five.
Thursday, May 26
5/26/05 - Miller vs. Oh... Who Cares
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose is mailing it in today, and even that seems like way too much effort, as all he has are 34 cent stamps. Seriously, where are the f*cking 3 cent stamps. Why shouldn’t he? If the Red Sox can do it, so can Red Sox bloggers. No, it’s not fair to you the fans, and it’s not right, but that’s how it is.
It’s raining, it’s miserable and the Sox loss last night was boring and gutless. So Jose has only two choices, write an angry rant or go to the post office. It’s just no fun to write KEYS when the Sox are playing like this, and it’s probably even less fun to read them.
One might ask, why, in this situation, Jose bothers to write KEYS at all? Why not take the day off and go sulk in corner or relax with a bottle of scotch?
Why? Because Jose has an obligation to post something… anything… every day he possibly can for his readers, his fans and even his detractors. But does Jose have an obligation to try? In the words of Bart Simpson, Jose “can’t promise he’ll try, but he’ll try to try.” It’s like asking why the Red Sox bothered showing up on a night like last night when it was clear that none of them had even the slightest intention of working. You do it because you have to and then muddle through.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Jose is mailing it in today, and even that seems like way too much effort, as all he has are 34 cent stamps. Seriously, where are the f*cking 3 cent stamps. Why shouldn’t he? If the Red Sox can do it, so can Red Sox bloggers. No, it’s not fair to you the fans, and it’s not right, but that’s how it is.
It’s raining, it’s miserable and the Sox loss last night was boring and gutless. So Jose has only two choices, write an angry rant or go to the post office. It’s just no fun to write KEYS when the Sox are playing like this, and it’s probably even less fun to read them.
One might ask, why, in this situation, Jose bothers to write KEYS at all? Why not take the day off and go sulk in corner or relax with a bottle of scotch?
Why? Because Jose has an obligation to post something… anything… every day he possibly can for his readers, his fans and even his detractors. But does Jose have an obligation to try? In the words of Bart Simpson, Jose “can’t promise he’ll try, but he’ll try to try.” It’s like asking why the Red Sox bothered showing up on a night like last night when it was clear that none of them had even the slightest intention of working. You do it because you have to and then muddle through.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, May 25
5/25/05 -- Balki Returns
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
According to the New York Daily News, Yankees liability Alex Rodriguez has been seeing not one but two and occasionally three psychotherapists. This is a tricky issue for Jose. On the one hand, the mentally ill should not be ridiculed. Jose has seen any number of people he cares about struggle with mental illness, and he understands fully that it is no different than a physical condition. Moreover, Rodriguez’s donation of $200,000 to a mental health program for children is downright admirable. On the other hand, A-Rod, as a rule, should be ridiculed for pretty much anything he does. So, as you can see, this puts Jose in quite the bind.
So here is Jose’s plan. First, Jose offers public congratulations to A-Rod on supporting mental health programs. Congratulations Alex!!! Second, Jose condemns A-Rod for going public with news of his therapy. Jose is all for taking the stigma out of mental illness, but does attaching A-Rod’s name to it really help? Across the country scenes like this are likely unfolding.
Husband: Honey, we need to talk... I’m in therapy to deal with some problems.
Wife: WHAT??? Therapy! What the hell kind of person are you? I used to think therapy was okay, but now that I know A-Rod goes, I think it is only for cheaters, divas and men with strange bluish lips.
See… Jose knows you were trying to do something positive, just like when you slapped Arroyo, but once again your effort will do the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
And to get in one last cheap shot, Jose doesn’t know specifically what disorder, if any, A-Rod is being treated for, but there are reports that he spent his last off day staring into his reflection in a pond for about 20 hours. You Greek scholars should be able to connect the dots from there.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com.
According to the New York Daily News, Yankees liability Alex Rodriguez has been seeing not one but two and occasionally three psychotherapists. This is a tricky issue for Jose. On the one hand, the mentally ill should not be ridiculed. Jose has seen any number of people he cares about struggle with mental illness, and he understands fully that it is no different than a physical condition. Moreover, Rodriguez’s donation of $200,000 to a mental health program for children is downright admirable. On the other hand, A-Rod, as a rule, should be ridiculed for pretty much anything he does. So, as you can see, this puts Jose in quite the bind.
So here is Jose’s plan. First, Jose offers public congratulations to A-Rod on supporting mental health programs. Congratulations Alex!!! Second, Jose condemns A-Rod for going public with news of his therapy. Jose is all for taking the stigma out of mental illness, but does attaching A-Rod’s name to it really help? Across the country scenes like this are likely unfolding.
Husband: Honey, we need to talk... I’m in therapy to deal with some problems.
Wife: WHAT??? Therapy! What the hell kind of person are you? I used to think therapy was okay, but now that I know A-Rod goes, I think it is only for cheaters, divas and men with strange bluish lips.
See… Jose knows you were trying to do something positive, just like when you slapped Arroyo, but once again your effort will do the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
And to get in one last cheap shot, Jose doesn’t know specifically what disorder, if any, A-Rod is being treated for, but there are reports that he spent his last off day staring into his reflection in a pond for about 20 hours. You Greek scholars should be able to connect the dots from there.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Tuesday, May 24
5/24/05 – It’s Not a Tumor vs. Bush
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose attended a Sons of Sam Horn lunch in the Back Bay yesterday with a few stalwarts from the organization. When Jose introduced himself, one attendee said “Jose Melendez of the always clever KEYS TO THE GAME.”
Jose and another attendee replied at the same time “Not always clever.”
And, it’s true. The KEYS are not always clever; they are not always funny, nor does Jose expect that they will ever be so. All Jose’s hopes for is to be known as the author of the “often clever KEYS TO THE GAME.” And frankly, these days he would settle for being the author of the “occasionally clever KEYS,” because Jose is struggling.
There has been a lot of talk early in the season about why Jose can’t find last year’s form. Clearly, he’s typing slower than last year, his syntax is a little bit off and he’s going to the Tony Castrati bit a little more often than he should.
Everyone has their theories. Maybe Jose can’t take the pressure any more. Maybe he’s distracted by domestic problems. (Note to the Melendezette: Jose is not distracted by domestic problems.) Maybe he’s just not used to the cold weather. Maybe he’s getting too much work. Maybe he’s not getting enough work.
Some people have even suggested letting Matt Mantei write KEYS for a while.
To this Jose says “FEH!!!” Jose is not the problem here. No, no. Jose is never the problem. If Jose has learned anything from watching George Steinbrenner and Donald Rumsfeld, it is that he is not the problem, or to paraphrase an excellent button “Jose’s okay. You’re a sh*thead.”
So Jose’s official, pass the buck explanation is that this team is simply not funny enough. They traded the hysterical, handshaking OC for the shy, retiring ER. The replaced a Yoda mask wearing pitcher with a fat tub of goo… And they did this in a year where there was a Star Wars movie coming out. Acquiring Wells would have been fine if they were re-releasing The Blob or making Daniel Pinkwater’s Fat Men from Space into a movie, but they’re not. See. Context matters.
So the Sox need to make some moves to get funnier, and if this means reacquiring Ricky Henderson, so be it. Because it’s not Jose’s fault. If you need to boo someone, boo Kevin Millar instead.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose attended a Sons of Sam Horn lunch in the Back Bay yesterday with a few stalwarts from the organization. When Jose introduced himself, one attendee said “Jose Melendez of the always clever KEYS TO THE GAME.”
Jose and another attendee replied at the same time “Not always clever.”
And, it’s true. The KEYS are not always clever; they are not always funny, nor does Jose expect that they will ever be so. All Jose’s hopes for is to be known as the author of the “often clever KEYS TO THE GAME.” And frankly, these days he would settle for being the author of the “occasionally clever KEYS,” because Jose is struggling.
There has been a lot of talk early in the season about why Jose can’t find last year’s form. Clearly, he’s typing slower than last year, his syntax is a little bit off and he’s going to the Tony Castrati bit a little more often than he should.
Everyone has their theories. Maybe Jose can’t take the pressure any more. Maybe he’s distracted by domestic problems. (Note to the Melendezette: Jose is not distracted by domestic problems.) Maybe he’s just not used to the cold weather. Maybe he’s getting too much work. Maybe he’s not getting enough work.
Some people have even suggested letting Matt Mantei write KEYS for a while.
To this Jose says “FEH!!!” Jose is not the problem here. No, no. Jose is never the problem. If Jose has learned anything from watching George Steinbrenner and Donald Rumsfeld, it is that he is not the problem, or to paraphrase an excellent button “Jose’s okay. You’re a sh*thead.”
So Jose’s official, pass the buck explanation is that this team is simply not funny enough. They traded the hysterical, handshaking OC for the shy, retiring ER. The replaced a Yoda mask wearing pitcher with a fat tub of goo… And they did this in a year where there was a Star Wars movie coming out. Acquiring Wells would have been fine if they were re-releasing The Blob or making Daniel Pinkwater’s Fat Men from Space into a movie, but they’re not. See. Context matters.
So the Sox need to make some moves to get funnier, and if this means reacquiring Ricky Henderson, so be it. Because it’s not Jose’s fault. If you need to boo someone, boo Kevin Millar instead.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Sunday, May 22
5/22/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Smoltz
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose missed most of last night’s game when he took the Melendezette to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Still, the evening was not without baseball value, as Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino has often compared the New York Yankees to the Empire from Star Wars.
After careful review and analysis, Jose finds this analogy lacking. Let’s think about this analytically.
The Emperor executed a plan to seize power over the course of 15 years. The Yankees plan changes depending on Steinbrenner’s mood on any given day.
There can only be two Sith lords and any given time. The Yankees can only have one Boss… and he’s crazy. (Note: So if the Yankees motto is “There can be only one” the correct sci-fi analogy is really Highlander.)
The empire has an army of clones at it’s disposal. Actually, this one is sort of similar, as the Yankees will soon be composed almost completely of Raul Mondesi and Kevin Brown clones.
The point is that the Empire was this well-organized, smooth functioning machinery of evil, whereas the New York Yankees are this clunking inefficient machinery of evil held together with tape and $100 bills. To put in another way, if George Steinbrenner ran the empire, they’d probably end up getting their butts whooped by some teddy bears in the forest… oh… so maybe the Yankees are like the Empire after all.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose missed most of last night’s game when he took the Melendezette to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Still, the evening was not without baseball value, as Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino has often compared the New York Yankees to the Empire from Star Wars.
After careful review and analysis, Jose finds this analogy lacking. Let’s think about this analytically.
The Emperor executed a plan to seize power over the course of 15 years. The Yankees plan changes depending on Steinbrenner’s mood on any given day.
There can only be two Sith lords and any given time. The Yankees can only have one Boss… and he’s crazy. (Note: So if the Yankees motto is “There can be only one” the correct sci-fi analogy is really Highlander.)
The empire has an army of clones at it’s disposal. Actually, this one is sort of similar, as the Yankees will soon be composed almost completely of Raul Mondesi and Kevin Brown clones.
The point is that the Empire was this well-organized, smooth functioning machinery of evil, whereas the New York Yankees are this clunking inefficient machinery of evil held together with tape and $100 bills. To put in another way, if George Steinbrenner ran the empire, they’d probably end up getting their butts whooped by some teddy bears in the forest… oh… so maybe the Yankees are like the Empire after all.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, May 21
5/21/05 Wafefield vs. Davies
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
"Suspended" Sox hurler Balki Arroyo escaped from the asylum or a few hours yesterday to visit with fellow suspendee Zack Alves. Alves, a student in Norton, Massachusetts, was suspended for imitating Arroyo, not by throwing at batters, but by styling his hair in dreadlocks. In Jose’s opinion, this is outrageous. Alves should never have been suspended for imitating Arroyo, as he had dreadlocks, whereas anyone with even the slightest understanding of hair styling knows that Arroyo had cornrows.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
"Suspended" Sox hurler Balki Arroyo escaped from the asylum or a few hours yesterday to visit with fellow suspendee Zack Alves. Alves, a student in Norton, Massachusetts, was suspended for imitating Arroyo, not by throwing at batters, but by styling his hair in dreadlocks. In Jose’s opinion, this is outrageous. Alves should never have been suspended for imitating Arroyo, as he had dreadlocks, whereas anyone with even the slightest understanding of hair styling knows that Arroyo had cornrows.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 20
4/20/05 -- Shark vs. Bear
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose had a cyst removed from his right leg yesterday. It was thoroughly unpleasant, and he wasn’t really expecting it. Jose went in assuming that the doctor would simply say "Ah yes, you have a cyst, let’s make an appointment to do something about it" and then send Jose on his way. Jose had lived with the thing for ten years, he could have waited a few more weeks. But the doctor went right to work cutting it squeezing it and pulling it out of Jose’s leg. It was sort of like watching Gaylord Perry handle a baseball. So now, the thing gets sent off for a biopsy to find out exactly what it is. Is it a green pussy infection or a collection of disgusting, useless fatty cells? In other words Jose needs to wait to find out if he had Eric Byrnes in his leg or David Wells. By the way, if anyone was even considering worrying about Jose don’t. There was no chance that he had Jose Offerman of the leg – in other words no cancer.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose had a cyst removed from his right leg yesterday. It was thoroughly unpleasant, and he wasn’t really expecting it. Jose went in assuming that the doctor would simply say "Ah yes, you have a cyst, let’s make an appointment to do something about it" and then send Jose on his way. Jose had lived with the thing for ten years, he could have waited a few more weeks. But the doctor went right to work cutting it squeezing it and pulling it out of Jose’s leg. It was sort of like watching Gaylord Perry handle a baseball. So now, the thing gets sent off for a biopsy to find out exactly what it is. Is it a green pussy infection or a collection of disgusting, useless fatty cells? In other words Jose needs to wait to find out if he had Eric Byrnes in his leg or David Wells. By the way, if anyone was even considering worrying about Jose don’t. There was no chance that he had Jose Offerman of the leg – in other words no cancer.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, May 18
5/18/05 -- Revenge of Wells
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yes, yes, Jose knows the game has already started, but who knew it was a day game? Clearly not Jose.
Jose is not completely sure, but there is some evidence that Balki Arroyo will spend the next six days in a psychiatric ward. According to Sox manager Terry Eurona, “This is a forced vacation.” Jose knows that the official line is that Arroyo was suspended, but that always seemed a little absurd. Arroyo protects teammates from brutal plunking and he gets the suspension? Right. Let’s be honest, a mental institution seems like a far more logical explanation. And what else could “forced vacation” mean?
Jose’s only concern is that they may give him a lobotomy while he’s in there. Jose is pretty sure Mark Bellhorn used to be all chirpy and smiley until he got “suspended.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Yes, yes, Jose knows the game has already started, but who knew it was a day game? Clearly not Jose.
Jose is not completely sure, but there is some evidence that Balki Arroyo will spend the next six days in a psychiatric ward. According to Sox manager Terry Eurona, “This is a forced vacation.” Jose knows that the official line is that Arroyo was suspended, but that always seemed a little absurd. Arroyo protects teammates from brutal plunking and he gets the suspension? Right. Let’s be honest, a mental institution seems like a far more logical explanation. And what else could “forced vacation” mean?
Jose’s only concern is that they may give him a lobotomy while he’s in there. Jose is pretty sure Mark Bellhorn used to be all chirpy and smiley until he got “suspended.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 17
5/17/04 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Zito
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose would like to come clean about something. Last year, he claimed that the Melendezette had taught him to taunt Ichiro with Japanese language shouts of “Hey Ichiro, your mom is hot.”
This is not true. It is no more true than Pudge Rodriguez being the Most Valuable Player in 1999 or Titanic being the best film of 1997. It is may be even less true. Those things at least have a little trophy vouching for the lie. Jose’s got nothing. What Jose should have said is that the Melendezette TRIED to teach him to say that. She tried, but much like Trot Nixon when it comes to left handed pitching, Jose just can’t learn. Jose’s actual Japanese ability is limited to saying “watashi wa beeru o nomemasu” -- I drink beer. This statement is not a lie, but it is a mediocre taunt at best.
Jose should have come clean about this sooner, especially since the Sox are now done with Seattle for the year, but this is better than never… marginally. Besides, as it turns out, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had taunted Ichiro on his mom’s hotness anyway. Ichiro wouldn’t have understood it.
Last weekend, Jose hosted two guests from Japan, his best friend from when he was eight years old, who he had not seen in 14 years, and his friend’s wife. Since the Sox were playing Seattle last weekend and Jose’s friend is a big baseball fan, Jose regaled him with stories of his alleged taunt of Ichiro. His friend did not understand at all, and with good reason. First, what the Melendezette had tried to teach Jose means “Hey Ichiro your mom is cool” rather than hot. (Note: The Melendezette told Jose this at the time, but he didn’t want to hear it… he wasn’t going to say it anyway, so what difference did it make?) Second, it simply did not make any sense in that context to a Japanese person. Why would you say someone’s mother was attractive if you had never met her? If you had met her and she was hot, why would this be an insult? Even after an extremely lengthy explanation of the American tradition of insulting someone by remarking on the attractiveness of his mother, he still found it incomprehensible.
“He would not have understood,” Jose’s friend responded with certainty.
Apparently, the Japanese lack our rich cultural heritage of mother jokes. It’s a shame. Instead, they must settle for kabuki, chanoyu and pachinko.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose would like to come clean about something. Last year, he claimed that the Melendezette had taught him to taunt Ichiro with Japanese language shouts of “Hey Ichiro, your mom is hot.”
This is not true. It is no more true than Pudge Rodriguez being the Most Valuable Player in 1999 or Titanic being the best film of 1997. It is may be even less true. Those things at least have a little trophy vouching for the lie. Jose’s got nothing. What Jose should have said is that the Melendezette TRIED to teach him to say that. She tried, but much like Trot Nixon when it comes to left handed pitching, Jose just can’t learn. Jose’s actual Japanese ability is limited to saying “watashi wa beeru o nomemasu” -- I drink beer. This statement is not a lie, but it is a mediocre taunt at best.
Jose should have come clean about this sooner, especially since the Sox are now done with Seattle for the year, but this is better than never… marginally. Besides, as it turns out, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had taunted Ichiro on his mom’s hotness anyway. Ichiro wouldn’t have understood it.
Last weekend, Jose hosted two guests from Japan, his best friend from when he was eight years old, who he had not seen in 14 years, and his friend’s wife. Since the Sox were playing Seattle last weekend and Jose’s friend is a big baseball fan, Jose regaled him with stories of his alleged taunt of Ichiro. His friend did not understand at all, and with good reason. First, what the Melendezette had tried to teach Jose means “Hey Ichiro your mom is cool” rather than hot. (Note: The Melendezette told Jose this at the time, but he didn’t want to hear it… he wasn’t going to say it anyway, so what difference did it make?) Second, it simply did not make any sense in that context to a Japanese person. Why would you say someone’s mother was attractive if you had never met her? If you had met her and she was hot, why would this be an insult? Even after an extremely lengthy explanation of the American tradition of insulting someone by remarking on the attractiveness of his mother, he still found it incomprehensible.
“He would not have understood,” Jose’s friend responded with certainty.
Apparently, the Japanese lack our rich cultural heritage of mother jokes. It’s a shame. Instead, they must settle for kabuki, chanoyu and pachinko.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, May 16
5/16/05 – Balki vs. Saaaaarloooos
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose would like to formally apologize to Manny Ramirez. On Friday Jose did a joke about Manny’s mom being ashamed of his fielding, and then, almost immediately, it came out that his mom is sick. Having a sick parent is nothing to joke about, so let Jose be clear.
Manny, Jose is sorry. He wants you to know that that joke was about you, not your mom. And he wishes her a full and speedy recovery
However, Jose doesn’t feel like everyone shares his concern. The news that Manny has been distracted by his mother’s illness, an illness he could not remember the name of, set off some rather unsettling speculation that Manny might be using family problems as an excuse. It even resurrected old rumors that Manny may have lied about his grandmother passing away to get out of a few games before the All-Star break a few years ago. Jose will never ever go there. As a lesson from the life of his mother taught him to know better.
In her youth, Jose’s mother went on a date with an assistant professor or teaching fellow or some such thing, and he told her that when he had given an exam that week, 10 students were absent claiming that a grandmother had died.
“Why didn’t you call them on it?” asked Jose’s mother.
“Because what if someone’s grandmother really had died?” the professor replied.
Next week Jose’s mother had to cancel their second date because her grandmother really did die.
So that’s the question: What if Manny’s grandmother really did die? What if his mother really is sick?
Unless there is concrete proof that he is lying, all insinuations should just stop. It’s mean and it’s wrong. Now let’s move on to speculating about Tony Castrati’s recent unexplained absence.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose would like to formally apologize to Manny Ramirez. On Friday Jose did a joke about Manny’s mom being ashamed of his fielding, and then, almost immediately, it came out that his mom is sick. Having a sick parent is nothing to joke about, so let Jose be clear.
Manny, Jose is sorry. He wants you to know that that joke was about you, not your mom. And he wishes her a full and speedy recovery
However, Jose doesn’t feel like everyone shares his concern. The news that Manny has been distracted by his mother’s illness, an illness he could not remember the name of, set off some rather unsettling speculation that Manny might be using family problems as an excuse. It even resurrected old rumors that Manny may have lied about his grandmother passing away to get out of a few games before the All-Star break a few years ago. Jose will never ever go there. As a lesson from the life of his mother taught him to know better.
In her youth, Jose’s mother went on a date with an assistant professor or teaching fellow or some such thing, and he told her that when he had given an exam that week, 10 students were absent claiming that a grandmother had died.
“Why didn’t you call them on it?” asked Jose’s mother.
“Because what if someone’s grandmother really had died?” the professor replied.
Next week Jose’s mother had to cancel their second date because her grandmother really did die.
So that’s the question: What if Manny’s grandmother really did die? What if his mother really is sick?
Unless there is concrete proof that he is lying, all insinuations should just stop. It’s mean and it’s wrong. Now let’s move on to speculating about Tony Castrati’s recent unexplained absence.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
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