It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. People are angry and happy at the same time. People are happy that the Red Sox got their second win on a walk off homer in two days when Jason Varitek took Octavio Dotel deep. People are angry that Keith Foulke blew a three run lead in the ninth to make the comeback necessary. People are angrier still, that Foulke got a win as the reward for his failure.
This is a basic matter of equity. Jose is a big fan of Foulke, but when a reliever blows a save and picks up a win, it looks to Jose like when a CEO drives a company into the ground and then picks up a $20 million severance package or when Steve Avery gets his 18th start to pick up an extension after 17 lousy starts. It is unjust, it is larcenous, it is wrong. (Note: Jose knows it probably wasn’t 18 starts that Avery needed, he just doesn’t want to look it up because he feels strongly that any minute spent contemplating Steve Avery’s Red Sox career is also unjust, larcenous and wrong.)
So Jose has a modest proposal. From now on, any time a reliever blows a save but would, under current rules, be scheduled to pick up a win, he should not get the win. See isn’t that more just already? The way Jose sees it this would be an advancement in the annals of justice on par with the Code of Hammurabi or the appointment of Judge Wapner to the bench. (Note: Is Wapner still alive? If so, can we put him on a federal appeals court? No one could filibuster that.) But Jose’s proposal gets even better.
Instead of going to the imploding reliever, the win should be credited to Bob Stanley. Why not? Stanley raised win stealing to an art form, and this new policy would ensure that Steamer, currently stuck on 97 career wins, would reach triple digits. Of course, many “statisticians” may find the idea of giving wins to a pitcher who has been retired for 16 years objectionable. So let Jose offer a backup plan as well. Perhaps we can create a new statistic for a win recorder by a pitcher after blowing a save – we’ll call it the “stanley.” And Keith Foulke is free to pick up as many stanleys as he wants as long as the Red Sox don’t pick up an L. (Note: Or would it be stanlies? What about an abbreviation? STN?)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 13
Wednesday, May 11
5/11/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. The Big One
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose was all set to beat up Kevin Millar in this space. He was ready to absolutely brutalize the guy. He was going to do one of those cutesy open letters to the defensively challenged first baseman. Jose had it all planned out it was going to have some snappy lead like:
But then Millar went ahead and hit a game winning homer while Jose was out taking an evening constitutional with the Melendezette… thereby ruing Jose’s best laid plans.But that’s okay. This is better.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose was all set to beat up Kevin Millar in this space. He was ready to absolutely brutalize the guy. He was going to do one of those cutesy open letters to the defensively challenged first baseman. Jose had it all planned out it was going to have some snappy lead like:
Dear Kevin,
Hi. It’s Jose. Jose knows we haven’t talked in a while, but he’s writing
now because he misses you and there are some questions he really wants to ask
you. For instance, how hard is it to step on the f***ing base? Yes, Jose knows
it didn’t cost any runs, but even after you were warned that teams were
complaining about you leaving early, you still couldn’t remember to step on the
f***ing base?
Is there anything Jose can do to help? Do you need to take one of those
step aerobic classes? Do you need a tour of the Central Asian steppe? What about
a 12 step program? Would that help? No probably not. You don’t need 12 steps,
you only need one… the step that lands you on first f***ing base.
But then Millar went ahead and hit a game winning homer while Jose was out taking an evening constitutional with the Melendezette… thereby ruing Jose’s best laid plans.But that’s okay. This is better.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 10
5/10/05 -- Balki vs. Some Dutch Sounding Guy
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Just a brief KEYS today, as Jose will be spending most of the day in beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts, a city that unfortunately changed its name from Lowe, when the Derek Lowe for Brian Lawrence deal seemed inevitable.
1. After Kevin Millar hit his first home run of the season last night, Sox manager Terry Eurona commented that Millar was able to finally end his home run slump because he was able to “see the ball, stay square.” Jose can understand how seeing the ball could be important, but is Eurona seriously suggesting that the problem until last night was that Kevin Millar wasn’t square enough? Did he have a soul patch that Jose hadn’t noticed? Was he playing some jazz trombone off in the corner and Jose totally missed it? Jose is pretty sure that Kevin Millar has been plenty square all along. To quote an old band teacher of Jose’s, Kevin Millar “is like taking some hip swinging mariachi band and dropping it in a box.”So the problem has to be that he wasn’t seeing the ball that well before.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Just a brief KEYS today, as Jose will be spending most of the day in beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts, a city that unfortunately changed its name from Lowe, when the Derek Lowe for Brian Lawrence deal seemed inevitable.
1. After Kevin Millar hit his first home run of the season last night, Sox manager Terry Eurona commented that Millar was able to finally end his home run slump because he was able to “see the ball, stay square.” Jose can understand how seeing the ball could be important, but is Eurona seriously suggesting that the problem until last night was that Kevin Millar wasn’t square enough? Did he have a soul patch that Jose hadn’t noticed? Was he playing some jazz trombone off in the corner and Jose totally missed it? Jose is pretty sure that Kevin Millar has been plenty square all along. To quote an old band teacher of Jose’s, Kevin Millar “is like taking some hip swinging mariachi band and dropping it in a box.”So the problem has to be that he wasn’t seeing the ball that well before.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, May 9
5/9/05 – Sox vs. As
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose returns after two glorious off days feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Will it make a difference in his writing? God no, but at least it gave him time watch the Celtics implode and prepare a nice Mothers Day dinner for his mother and Granny Melendez.
1. Jose is now 2-0 after spending Friday night’s game staring at the back of a pole with the Melendezette and two other friends, while completely and totally sober. (Note: Couldn’t they at least have pole dancers on the supports columns? They should give a fellow something to look at if he can’t see the batter.) Between innings, Jose finally discovered the horrible secret of why the Melendezette enjoys going to baseball games live but is largely indifferent to watching them on television, internet, closed circuit television or in Indonesian shadow puppet reenactments.
“This is my favorite part,” she cooed… between innings.
For a few moments, Jose thought that she meant he favorite part was staring at the back of pole. Then he decided that might not be the case, and craned his neck around the pole just in case there was something else going on. As it turned out, the grounds crew was dragging the rakes around the infield.
It turns out that she likes going to baseball games for the same reason she like HGTV… she’s in it for the landscaping. Though Jose suspects that if it were up to her, the infield would have more of a Zen rock garden feel, with granite boulders replacing the bases. (Note: This is actually completely unfair. She has a great suggestion for the grounds crew. Mr. Henry take note. If the Red Sox played the theme from Benny Hill while the grounds crew groomed the infield, they would work in super fast motion, and the work would go twice as fast. Also, British women would end up on the field in their underwear.)
So Jose has a modest proposal to the Red Sox to make watching the entire season a year a bit more palatable to the Melendezette. Start showing the grounds crew’s work on television, but switch the innings that they rake the field from night to night to keep her guessing. That will prevent her from lobbying to change the channel to some drivel like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Racquetball, the Gastineau Girls or the State of the Union.
If the Red Sox make this simple change, it should create enough harmony in the Melendez household that Jose can start watching a robust 160 to 161 games per year, rather than his current wan and anemic 155.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Jose returns after two glorious off days feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Will it make a difference in his writing? God no, but at least it gave him time watch the Celtics implode and prepare a nice Mothers Day dinner for his mother and Granny Melendez.
1. Jose is now 2-0 after spending Friday night’s game staring at the back of a pole with the Melendezette and two other friends, while completely and totally sober. (Note: Couldn’t they at least have pole dancers on the supports columns? They should give a fellow something to look at if he can’t see the batter.) Between innings, Jose finally discovered the horrible secret of why the Melendezette enjoys going to baseball games live but is largely indifferent to watching them on television, internet, closed circuit television or in Indonesian shadow puppet reenactments.
“This is my favorite part,” she cooed… between innings.
For a few moments, Jose thought that she meant he favorite part was staring at the back of pole. Then he decided that might not be the case, and craned his neck around the pole just in case there was something else going on. As it turned out, the grounds crew was dragging the rakes around the infield.
It turns out that she likes going to baseball games for the same reason she like HGTV… she’s in it for the landscaping. Though Jose suspects that if it were up to her, the infield would have more of a Zen rock garden feel, with granite boulders replacing the bases. (Note: This is actually completely unfair. She has a great suggestion for the grounds crew. Mr. Henry take note. If the Red Sox played the theme from Benny Hill while the grounds crew groomed the infield, they would work in super fast motion, and the work would go twice as fast. Also, British women would end up on the field in their underwear.)
So Jose has a modest proposal to the Red Sox to make watching the entire season a year a bit more palatable to the Melendezette. Start showing the grounds crew’s work on television, but switch the innings that they rake the field from night to night to keep her guessing. That will prevent her from lobbying to change the channel to some drivel like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Racquetball, the Gastineau Girls or the State of the Union.
If the Red Sox make this simple change, it should create enough harmony in the Melendez household that Jose can start watching a robust 160 to 161 games per year, rather than his current wan and anemic 155.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 6
5/6/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Moyer
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tonight, Jose makes his second trip of the year to both Fenway Park and the Women’s Christian Temperance section. Jose will put his undefeated season once again on the shoulders of Antipope Clement XV, as he battles crafty lefty Jamie Moyer.
Jose is really impressed with Moyer. He never would have guessed when the Red Sox traded him in 1996 that he would become the pitcher he is today, particularly at his advanced age. The fact that even at the age of 71, even after retiring from his duties as the host of NOW on PBS and almost 40 years after ending his stint as special assistant to President Lyndon Baines Johnson, Moyer is off to a 4-0 start is just a testament to the things senior citizens can accomplish in this day and age.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, May 5
Cinco de Mayo 2005 – Sitcom Battle: Balki vs. JJ
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Day game after a night game. Not cool. Historically, Jose hasn’t really understood what the players are griping about because he writes the KEYS early in the morning before he goes in to his “real job,” but yesterday, due to illness the KEYS did not get written until after Jose had left work for the day, creating a true “night game followed by a day game effect.” And let Jose say, it sucks. All of these years he thought ballplayers were just being pansies, but it turns out it’s really unpleasant.
How bad is it? Jose actually had to start writing WHILE HE WAS STILL ASLEEP!!! This is the result:
Jose expects the red hot Johnny Damon to add some power to his game tonight. In his second at bat Jose envisions that Damon will give the bat a mighty swing… and the bat will turn into a snake that grabs the ball in its mouth and spits it into right field.
Then when Damon starts running the bases instead of just stopping at home, he’s going to keep running around and around and around until the infield turns into a vortex or whirlpool or something. And Jose is the third base coach rather than Dale Sveum… did Jose mention that? That’s especially weird, because while Dale Sveum might be expected to keep waving a runner around even if he’s creating a vortex that could destroy the universe, you’d think Jose would know to stop.
So suddenly the vortex sucks Jose and Johnny and Kevin Millar through. When we come out the other side, we’re in Jabba the Hut’s palace from Return of the Jedi. And Jabba is right there, except it’s not Jabba it’s David Wells, but he looks like Jabba. (Note: If fans are pissed that he was at the Celtics game with his injured foot, it’s going to be double ugly once they find out he’s been running all over Tatooine.) Over on the wall where the frozen Han should be is this plastic boot with Curt Euro’s foot in it. Jose doesn’t know how he knows it’s Curt’s foot, but he does.
So Johnny Damon runs over with his snake/bat which is now a lightsaber and chops down the frame that the foot is in and suddenly Curt Euro pops out of the boot, alive and well. But dozens of Jabba’s security guards, who look suspiciously like Fenway Park security personnel start to rush us… and then… and then... well what happened next isn’t important. What’s important is that Jose got more than 400 words of content out of it.
Day game after a night game. Not cool. Historically, Jose hasn’t really understood what the players are griping about because he writes the KEYS early in the morning before he goes in to his “real job,” but yesterday, due to illness the KEYS did not get written until after Jose had left work for the day, creating a true “night game followed by a day game effect.” And let Jose say, it sucks. All of these years he thought ballplayers were just being pansies, but it turns out it’s really unpleasant.
How bad is it? Jose actually had to start writing WHILE HE WAS STILL ASLEEP!!! This is the result:
Jose expects the red hot Johnny Damon to add some power to his game tonight. In his second at bat Jose envisions that Damon will give the bat a mighty swing… and the bat will turn into a snake that grabs the ball in its mouth and spits it into right field.
Then when Damon starts running the bases instead of just stopping at home, he’s going to keep running around and around and around until the infield turns into a vortex or whirlpool or something. And Jose is the third base coach rather than Dale Sveum… did Jose mention that? That’s especially weird, because while Dale Sveum might be expected to keep waving a runner around even if he’s creating a vortex that could destroy the universe, you’d think Jose would know to stop.
So suddenly the vortex sucks Jose and Johnny and Kevin Millar through. When we come out the other side, we’re in Jabba the Hut’s palace from Return of the Jedi. And Jabba is right there, except it’s not Jabba it’s David Wells, but he looks like Jabba. (Note: If fans are pissed that he was at the Celtics game with his injured foot, it’s going to be double ugly once they find out he’s been running all over Tatooine.) Over on the wall where the frozen Han should be is this plastic boot with Curt Euro’s foot in it. Jose doesn’t know how he knows it’s Curt’s foot, but he does.
So Johnny Damon runs over with his snake/bat which is now a lightsaber and chops down the frame that the foot is in and suddenly Curt Euro pops out of the boot, alive and well. But dozens of Jabba’s security guards, who look suspiciously like Fenway Park security personnel start to rush us… and then… and then... well what happened next isn’t important. What’s important is that Jose got more than 400 words of content out of it.
Wednesday, May 4
5/4/05 – Not a Former TB Pitcher vs. Robertson
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Ugghh… Jose is sick, hence the lateness of today’s KEYS. But they’re still here. And that’s the difference between Jose and guys like Euro Bellhorn or Umlaut Mueller. He’ll be damned if Ramon Vasquez takes any of his swings.
1. A loyal reader stirke4 found this on the craigslist “missed connections” and shared it with Jose.
Let Jose assures all readers, and by this, he means the Melendezette, that he does not know this woman. (Note: XXXXX, if you’re reading, Jose is fine, and you’re nice to ask.)
Jose has read the “missed connections” in the Improper Bostonian from time to time and found them immensely entertaining, but he’d never really read the ones on line before. What a shame because he missed some great stuff. For instance:
And these are just a few of the great “Missed Connections” out there. Look for more in future editions of KEYS.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Ugghh… Jose is sick, hence the lateness of today’s KEYS. But they’re still here. And that’s the difference between Jose and guys like Euro Bellhorn or Umlaut Mueller. He’ll be damned if Ramon Vasquez takes any of his swings.
1. A loyal reader stirke4 found this on the craigslist “missed connections” and shared it with Jose.
Jose Melendez, where are you? - w4m -
23
Reply to: XXXXX
Date: 2005-05-04, 9:18AM EDT
We worked together in the summer of 1999 in downtown Manhattan. We dated
briefly, but then broke up. I was 17, you were almost 19. I've not forgotten
about you. I lost your information and I'm looking to speak with you again, even
just to know that you're well.
Let Jose assures all readers, and by this, he means the Melendezette, that he does not know this woman. (Note: XXXXX, if you’re reading, Jose is fine, and you’re nice to ask.)
Jose has read the “missed connections” in the Improper Bostonian from time to time and found them immensely entertaining, but he’d never really read the ones on line before. What a shame because he missed some great stuff. For instance:
Home Runs Where Have You Gone? – h4s - 33
I met you back in 1999 in
Florida. You didn’t hang around with me a lot, but over the course of a
few years we grew closer, closer to the point that I saw you 25 times in one
year. And now? Where have you gone? I haven’t seen you since
last fall. I miss you… I need you… I can’t shut up about you… or about
anything else…
--Love at first/right in Boston
Where is My Closer? – s4c - 33
We got together last year,
and for the first time in my life I felt able to let go, like I could give up
control and things would work out okay, like I didn’t have to finish everything
myself.
But, I moved, my work took me from Boston to New
York, and I miss you so bad. I’m doing really well here, but I have to do
everything myself. There’s no one here I can rely on. And I hear
that you’re struggling, that you haven’t been the same since I left. I’d
love to just be with you again… for just another six months. Call
me.
--Pedro in Queens
And these are just a few of the great “Missed Connections” out there. Look for more in future editions of KEYS.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 3
5/3/05 – A Buddha vs. Maroth
In preparation for tonight’s game against the (Mac OS X) Tigers, Jose turns to William Blake’s “The Tiger” for metric inspiration. Jose loves this poem. Admittedly, he was originally introduced to it in a Spiderman comic book and it wasn’t even the real poem – “spider” was substituted for “tiger” every time. Still, it’s a good poem and it is apt.
The Tigers
By Jose Melendez
Tigers, tigers, don’t burn down.
Aged buildings in Motown,
Can’t hit, throw or win a race,
They don’t torch cities for last place.
Tigers, tigers in the field,
Bobby Higginson revealed,
What hand, if it’s made of stone,
Can catch the ball and throw it home?
Tigers, tigers not adroit,
In the forests of Detroit
Ty Cobb’s ghost – always bitter
When D. Young is your best hitter.
Tigers, tigers in the snow,
Playing when it’s ten below,
Although it can seem uncouth,
Your stadium could use a roof.
Tigers, tigers struggling,
Like the cat who plays with string,
John Ha-Lama holds the twine,
Christ. He’s in our starting nine?
Tigers, tigers pale and wan,
Kirk and Sparky both are gone,
Trammel’s back with much to do,
He’s not the same without “Sweet Lou.”
Tigers, Tiger play tonight,
Underneath electric light,
Not the team of ’84,
Tigers please drop three of four.
The Tigers
By Jose Melendez
Tigers, tigers, don’t burn down.
Aged buildings in Motown,
Can’t hit, throw or win a race,
They don’t torch cities for last place.
Tigers, tigers in the field,
Bobby Higginson revealed,
What hand, if it’s made of stone,
Can catch the ball and throw it home?
Tigers, tigers not adroit,
In the forests of Detroit
Ty Cobb’s ghost – always bitter
When D. Young is your best hitter.
Tigers, tigers in the snow,
Playing when it’s ten below,
Although it can seem uncouth,
Your stadium could use a roof.
Tigers, tigers struggling,
Like the cat who plays with string,
John Ha-Lama holds the twine,
Christ. He’s in our starting nine?
Tigers, tigers pale and wan,
Kirk and Sparky both are gone,
Trammel’s back with much to do,
He’s not the same without “Sweet Lou.”
Tigers, Tiger play tonight,
Underneath electric light,
Not the team of ’84,
Tigers please drop three of four.
Monday, May 2
5/2/05 -- "I" vs. "Y"
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tonight is a milestone for the Red Sox. It marks the first time in the franchise’s history that they have faced an opponent that has sold not only naming rights for its ballpark, but for the team itself, to a major corporation. Sure the Detroit Tigers have not actually formally changed their name, but according to Jose’s sources they have cut a deal with Apple Computer to become the Detroit (Mac OS X) Tigers. While this is the first baseball team to have sold its naming rights, it is not the first in U.S. professional sports. The (Mac OS X) Tigers join the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Carolina (Mac OS X) Panthers, as major U.S. teams to sell their naming rights.
The (Mac OS X) Tigers boast more than 200 new features including a “rock solid UNIX foundation,” burnable folders and maybe just a little bit of pitching. They do not, however, include Magglio Ordonez.
Visit www.wallballsingle.com for the complete KEYS.
Tonight is a milestone for the Red Sox. It marks the first time in the franchise’s history that they have faced an opponent that has sold not only naming rights for its ballpark, but for the team itself, to a major corporation. Sure the Detroit Tigers have not actually formally changed their name, but according to Jose’s sources they have cut a deal with Apple Computer to become the Detroit (Mac OS X) Tigers. While this is the first baseball team to have sold its naming rights, it is not the first in U.S. professional sports. The (Mac OS X) Tigers join the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Carolina (Mac OS X) Panthers, as major U.S. teams to sell their naming rights.
The (Mac OS X) Tigers boast more than 200 new features including a “rock solid UNIX foundation,” burnable folders and maybe just a little bit of pitching. They do not, however, include Magglio Ordonez.
Visit www.wallballsingle.com for the complete KEYS.
Sunday, May 1
5/1/05 -- Texas Calls May Day
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. In a letter to Major League Players Association President Donald Fehr, baseball commissioner Bud Selig proposed that baseball adopt a "three strikes and you’re out" steroid policy wherein players testing positive for steroids on three occasions would be banned for life. Get it? "Three strikes and you’re out" – it’s a baseball metaphor. But if Selig is going to try to replicate baseball’s age old rule in his steroid policy, why not try to duplicate it completely? Since a foul ball cannot be a third strike, it is fully possible to have more than three strikes in an at bat. The question then is what would be the drug testing equivalent of a foul ball? Probably a drug test that was positive but did not conform to every last letter of the collective bargaining agreement, thereby rendering it illegitimate. So Selig should amend his steroid testing program to be "three strikes and you’re out but a foul ball can’t be a third strike." He might as well. Do you really think the players association is going to let someone be banned for life after only three violations? If the players association has it’s way, the drug policy will demand more strikes than perfect game of candlepins.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. In a letter to Major League Players Association President Donald Fehr, baseball commissioner Bud Selig proposed that baseball adopt a "three strikes and you’re out" steroid policy wherein players testing positive for steroids on three occasions would be banned for life. Get it? "Three strikes and you’re out" – it’s a baseball metaphor. But if Selig is going to try to replicate baseball’s age old rule in his steroid policy, why not try to duplicate it completely? Since a foul ball cannot be a third strike, it is fully possible to have more than three strikes in an at bat. The question then is what would be the drug testing equivalent of a foul ball? Probably a drug test that was positive but did not conform to every last letter of the collective bargaining agreement, thereby rendering it illegitimate. So Selig should amend his steroid testing program to be "three strikes and you’re out but a foul ball can’t be a third strike." He might as well. Do you really think the players association is going to let someone be banned for life after only three violations? If the players association has it’s way, the drug policy will demand more strikes than perfect game of candlepins.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, April 30
4/30/05 -- Balki vs. A Nut
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
In issuing a harsh set of suspensions yesterday for the twin brawl betweens the DRays and the Sox, Major League Baseball’s hard ass vice principal Bob Watson said that the commissioner’s office “will not tolerate any continued on-field misconduct between these two clubs.”
Bob Watson actually said that yesterday. Guess which of the following came next:
a) So tonight… right here… in this very ring… we will have… The Boston Red Sox vs. the Tampax Bay DRays… INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!! No count outs… No disqualifications… NO MERCY!!!
b) Major League Baseball’s rules for on-field conduct are quite clear. It’s the off field rules that are sort of vague. So if they want to engage in misconduct, they should do it in a bathroom with a needle like misters McGuire and Canseco.
c) Major League Baseball has a long standing policy of encouraging clubs to settle their differences off the field, for instance, at a local tavern or in a dark alley.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
In issuing a harsh set of suspensions yesterday for the twin brawl betweens the DRays and the Sox, Major League Baseball’s hard ass vice principal Bob Watson said that the commissioner’s office “will not tolerate any continued on-field misconduct between these two clubs.”
Bob Watson actually said that yesterday. Guess which of the following came next:
a) So tonight… right here… in this very ring… we will have… The Boston Red Sox vs. the Tampax Bay DRays… INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!! No count outs… No disqualifications… NO MERCY!!!
b) Major League Baseball’s rules for on-field conduct are quite clear. It’s the off field rules that are sort of vague. So if they want to engage in misconduct, they should do it in a bathroom with a needle like misters McGuire and Canseco.
c) Major League Baseball has a long standing policy of encouraging clubs to settle their differences off the field, for instance, at a local tavern or in a dark alley.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, April 29
4/29/05 -- Wake Drives in the Park-Way
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. In light of his recent quarrel with the Boston Globe’s now former Ombudsman, it has become clear to Jose that if KEYS is going to be taken seriously, there needs to be someone affiliated with the blog whose job is to represent the people, the readers of this fine feature. Thus, KEYS has made the decision to create a permanent KEYS TO THE GAME Ombudsman’s Office. The job of the ombudsman will be to represent the readers. Readers are encouraged to post comments or send questions to keystothegame@hotmail.com and the ombudsman will be certain that they get to Jose himself. This should be quite easy, as the ombudsman will be Jose himself. (Note: What did you think Jose was going to hire staff?) But as an added feature, the ombudsman will periodically, present and address the reader perspective.
Let’s try one.
“Jose, are you hung over? still drunk? I noticed even more typos than usual in today’s post.” Steve-O — Saturday, April 23, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
Well, Steve-O, for the answer to that question you’ll have to wait for the release of Jose’s autobiography “Perfect Jose’s Not” which will detail his hard nights of drinking before day games, his struggles with his weight, and of course David Wells’ copyright infringement lawsuit against him.
Still, you raise a serious question. How is it exactly that a man like Jose, a man with several years of education at the nation’s finest university that has more that 25,000 students and no football team, can make so many typos and confuse so many homonyms? This is sort of like asking how George Steinbrenner, a man with several world championships and millions of dollars could decide that it was a good idea to sign Jaret Wright. And the answer is the same… extreme stupidity.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
1. In light of his recent quarrel with the Boston Globe’s now former Ombudsman, it has become clear to Jose that if KEYS is going to be taken seriously, there needs to be someone affiliated with the blog whose job is to represent the people, the readers of this fine feature. Thus, KEYS has made the decision to create a permanent KEYS TO THE GAME Ombudsman’s Office. The job of the ombudsman will be to represent the readers. Readers are encouraged to post comments or send questions to keystothegame@hotmail.com and the ombudsman will be certain that they get to Jose himself. This should be quite easy, as the ombudsman will be Jose himself. (Note: What did you think Jose was going to hire staff?) But as an added feature, the ombudsman will periodically, present and address the reader perspective.
Let’s try one.
“Jose, are you hung over? still drunk? I noticed even more typos than usual in today’s post.” Steve-O — Saturday, April 23, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
Well, Steve-O, for the answer to that question you’ll have to wait for the release of Jose’s autobiography “Perfect Jose’s Not” which will detail his hard nights of drinking before day games, his struggles with his weight, and of course David Wells’ copyright infringement lawsuit against him.
Still, you raise a serious question. How is it exactly that a man like Jose, a man with several years of education at the nation’s finest university that has more that 25,000 students and no football team, can make so many typos and confuse so many homonyms? This is sort of like asking how George Steinbrenner, a man with several world championships and millions of dollars could decide that it was a good idea to sign Jaret Wright. And the answer is the same… extreme stupidity.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Wednesday, April 27
4/27/05 Theo Epstein sings "Soon it's Going to Rain" from the Fantasticks
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Remarkably, Jose’s reaction to the call up of Lenny DiNardo is exactly the same as the one Marge Simpson had when Homer informed her that his friend Lenny was being taken to the hospital following the explosion of a cooling tank. “Oh no. not Lenny. Not Lenny!!!” Unfortunately, while Marge was reacting a lie Homer told to cover up his evening of bowling, Jose is almost certain that Lenny DiNardo has really been called up (note: after all, he did pitch last night) and it is not just an elaborate ruse cooked up by Theo so he can ditch the ballgame and go knock down some pins.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Remarkably, Jose’s reaction to the call up of Lenny DiNardo is exactly the same as the one Marge Simpson had when Homer informed her that his friend Lenny was being taken to the hospital following the explosion of a cooling tank. “Oh no. not Lenny. Not Lenny!!!” Unfortunately, while Marge was reacting a lie Homer told to cover up his evening of bowling, Jose is almost certain that Lenny DiNardo has really been called up (note: after all, he did pitch last night) and it is not just an elaborate ruse cooked up by Theo so he can ditch the ballgame and go knock down some pins.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, April 26
4/26/05 -- Antipope vs. KITH Sketch Subject II
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Oops… Now Jose’s done it. Things were going just fine around here. Jose was getting about 1,000 hits a day, he was having a good time writing, you were having a good time reading, skimming or ignoring; everything was great for everyone.
But Jose couldn’t leave well enough alone. Much like George Steinbrenner, he had to tinker, to jostle his product for no reason other than a need to feel like he was doing something. So Jose went and tried to pick a fight with the Boston Globe, which as best Jose understands is a newsletter of some kind.
And now Jose has cost someone her job. Not cool. All Jose has ever wanted to do is make people laugh, kill time, and become the first “Jose Melendez” listed when one googles the name (note: he is), but somewhere along the line he went mad with influence (note: not power… power launches battleships, Jose can’t do that… yet). Much like President Bush’s economic policies and the 2001 Red Sox, Jose started costing people their jobs. And it doesn’t feel good.
Many of you probably saw the final column of Globe Ombudsman Christine Chinlund yesterday. Officially Chinlund said that she resigned because the ombudsman’s chair, much like the Red Sox manger’s chair, comes with a three year maximum stay. It was nice of the Globe to give her a dignified exit like that, but, sadly, Jose knows better. With only three to six enormous leaps of faith and logic one can easily discover that she was, in fact, driven out by enormous pressure from Jose’s People.
How did it all come to this? After the Globe Ombudsman’s office told Jose that they do not review self-published books, Jose did his best impression of Curt Euro and moped and raged and wrote late into the night until the solution became clear – let’s get a whole bunch of people to send emails to the Globe. In addition to being a former relief pitcher and blogger, Jose is a professional organizer, so the idea of organizing a mailing campaign was completely natural to him. After all, in politics there is a saying “One letter is a crackpot, five is a movement, 10 is a crisis.” Jose figured the same probably holds true for periodicals.
Apparently, many of you fine people heeded Jose’s call and sent emails demanding that the Globe explain its sensible and well-conceived discrimination against the crackpots who self-published books. Jose knows for a fact that at least nine of you became part of Jose’s coalition of the willing and if you add those nine emails to Jose’s one, we have ten… crisis city.
Faced with enormous pressure, the Globe sent out a response.
Do you hear that? Do you hear that off in the distance? Summertime must be coming, because that sounds like flip flops. Just one week ago the Globe told Jose “Sorry, the Globe does not review self published books.” And now? Now they have “no formal policy against self-published books.” Not only has the Globe flip flopped on whether or not they will review self-published books, but also on the issue of whether “self-published” is hyphenated or not. In both cases the good guys won.
Which brings us back to Ms. Chinlund. Ms. Chinlund was forced out because she forgot that the job of the ombudsman is to represent the people and Jose’s readers are the people. Well, they are people anyway, if not “the people.” Jose is pretty sure none of his readers are chimps, really smart dogs, dolphins or aliens.
So the Ombudsman’s office has learned a lesson: To paraphrase Margaret Mead, never doubt that thoughtless, poorly organized, nominally committed group of citizens can change the world in some small, meaningless way. (Note: maybe next Jose should organize a letter writing campaign to umpire Greg Gibson demanding that he stop being such a jerk). It’s an important lesson.
But Jose has learned a lesson too. If one wants his book reviewed, it helps to send it to the reviewer. Go figure.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Oops… Now Jose’s done it. Things were going just fine around here. Jose was getting about 1,000 hits a day, he was having a good time writing, you were having a good time reading, skimming or ignoring; everything was great for everyone.
But Jose couldn’t leave well enough alone. Much like George Steinbrenner, he had to tinker, to jostle his product for no reason other than a need to feel like he was doing something. So Jose went and tried to pick a fight with the Boston Globe, which as best Jose understands is a newsletter of some kind.
And now Jose has cost someone her job. Not cool. All Jose has ever wanted to do is make people laugh, kill time, and become the first “Jose Melendez” listed when one googles the name (note: he is), but somewhere along the line he went mad with influence (note: not power… power launches battleships, Jose can’t do that… yet). Much like President Bush’s economic policies and the 2001 Red Sox, Jose started costing people their jobs. And it doesn’t feel good.
Many of you probably saw the final column of Globe Ombudsman Christine Chinlund yesterday. Officially Chinlund said that she resigned because the ombudsman’s chair, much like the Red Sox manger’s chair, comes with a three year maximum stay. It was nice of the Globe to give her a dignified exit like that, but, sadly, Jose knows better. With only three to six enormous leaps of faith and logic one can easily discover that she was, in fact, driven out by enormous pressure from Jose’s People.
How did it all come to this? After the Globe Ombudsman’s office told Jose that they do not review self-published books, Jose did his best impression of Curt Euro and moped and raged and wrote late into the night until the solution became clear – let’s get a whole bunch of people to send emails to the Globe. In addition to being a former relief pitcher and blogger, Jose is a professional organizer, so the idea of organizing a mailing campaign was completely natural to him. After all, in politics there is a saying “One letter is a crackpot, five is a movement, 10 is a crisis.” Jose figured the same probably holds true for periodicals.
Apparently, many of you fine people heeded Jose’s call and sent emails demanding that the Globe explain its sensible and well-conceived discrimination against the crackpots who self-published books. Jose knows for a fact that at least nine of you became part of Jose’s coalition of the willing and if you add those nine emails to Jose’s one, we have ten… crisis city.
Faced with enormous pressure, the Globe sent out a response.
From: ombud@globe.com
To: XXXXX Subject:
Re: Query
Sent: Monday, April 25, 2005 9:54 AM
The Globe's books editor peruses every book that arrives in the office,
and makes judgments about what will be reviewed. There is no formal policy
against self-published books, but authors do themselves no marketing favors in
going that route nationally. The odds are high against self-published
books being reviewed, yes, but the odds are high against most books
generally. We can review about 25 books a week out of the more than 400
that arrive, so we are quite limited in our space.
All we can promise is that we'll examine each book carefully.
Do you hear that? Do you hear that off in the distance? Summertime must be coming, because that sounds like flip flops. Just one week ago the Globe told Jose “Sorry, the Globe does not review self published books.” And now? Now they have “no formal policy against self-published books.” Not only has the Globe flip flopped on whether or not they will review self-published books, but also on the issue of whether “self-published” is hyphenated or not. In both cases the good guys won.
Which brings us back to Ms. Chinlund. Ms. Chinlund was forced out because she forgot that the job of the ombudsman is to represent the people and Jose’s readers are the people. Well, they are people anyway, if not “the people.” Jose is pretty sure none of his readers are chimps, really smart dogs, dolphins or aliens.
So the Ombudsman’s office has learned a lesson: To paraphrase Margaret Mead, never doubt that thoughtless, poorly organized, nominally committed group of citizens can change the world in some small, meaningless way. (Note: maybe next Jose should organize a letter writing campaign to umpire Greg Gibson demanding that he stop being such a jerk). It’s an important lesson.
But Jose has learned a lesson too. If one wants his book reviewed, it helps to send it to the reviewer. Go figure.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Monday, April 25
4/25/05 -- Wells vs. Chen
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. A few weeks ago, Jose vowed to develop a change up, in order to counter the fact that his punch lines had gotten as predictable as a Tom Gordon fastball in October. People, specifically the Melendezette, were starting to time his pitches. Jose’s initial thought was that knock knock jokes might be a way to mix it up, but it turns out that knock knock jokes aren’t funny... ever. Jose telling a knock knock joke is a little like a lefty throwing a curve ball to Manny; it might sound like a good idea, but if one thinks about it for more than 30 seconds, it becomes clear that it’s a really bad idea. Then, if one goes through with it anyway, the results are typically disastrous.
Consider this:
Jose: Knock knock.
Straight Man: Who’s there?
Jose: Derek.
Straight Man: Derek who?
Jose: Derek Jeter is a good offensive short stop, but he is a defensive liability who is badly overrated by the New York and National press.
See. While that is true, that is not funny. The only thing even vaguely funny is using the term “straight man” in a joke about Derek Jeter.
So Jose figured he’d need to try something else for his backup pitch, perhaps some riddles.
Q: Why did David Ortiz cross the road?
A: Because Dale Sveum gave him the green light even though there were no outs, the fly ball was way to shallow and a car was completely ignoring a stop sign and rushing forward at 75 mph.
Q: Why did Jason Giambi throw a clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time... Oh... No, wait. Roid rage. The answer is roid rage.
Q: How many Yankees does it takes to screw in a light bulb.
A: None. If Steinbrenner owns the light bulbs they’re already screwed.
Q: How many Red Sox does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: Who needs light bulbs, the Red Sox are already well lit by the gentle glow of victory.
Those are marginally better than the knock knock jokes, but the effort was still, as one of Sam Melendez’s professors would say, “slightly worse than abysmal.”
So after that failed Jose really sat down and thought about what is making people laugh these days, and then it hit him– observational humor. Okay, so it was more making people laugh inn 1997ish than now, but it’s all Jose got... that or gross out humor. So let’s give observational humor a try.
What’s the deal with the .406 Club? It’s not really a club. You don’t have to apply for membership. It doesn’t have passwords or secret handshakes. Heck, you don’t even have to have hit .406 to get in. On the other hand, it is better than when they called it the 600 Club. The 600 Club sounded like it was a club for people who are pretty self righteous, but not quite self righteous enough to make it to the 700 Club.
How was that? Not great was it? Well, it’s back to throwing fastballs for Jose. More badly out of date Cesar Crespo jokes and nicknames no one quite gets coming up!
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
1. A few weeks ago, Jose vowed to develop a change up, in order to counter the fact that his punch lines had gotten as predictable as a Tom Gordon fastball in October. People, specifically the Melendezette, were starting to time his pitches. Jose’s initial thought was that knock knock jokes might be a way to mix it up, but it turns out that knock knock jokes aren’t funny... ever. Jose telling a knock knock joke is a little like a lefty throwing a curve ball to Manny; it might sound like a good idea, but if one thinks about it for more than 30 seconds, it becomes clear that it’s a really bad idea. Then, if one goes through with it anyway, the results are typically disastrous.
Consider this:
Jose: Knock knock.
Straight Man: Who’s there?
Jose: Derek.
Straight Man: Derek who?
Jose: Derek Jeter is a good offensive short stop, but he is a defensive liability who is badly overrated by the New York and National press.
See. While that is true, that is not funny. The only thing even vaguely funny is using the term “straight man” in a joke about Derek Jeter.
So Jose figured he’d need to try something else for his backup pitch, perhaps some riddles.
Q: Why did David Ortiz cross the road?
A: Because Dale Sveum gave him the green light even though there were no outs, the fly ball was way to shallow and a car was completely ignoring a stop sign and rushing forward at 75 mph.
Q: Why did Jason Giambi throw a clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time... Oh... No, wait. Roid rage. The answer is roid rage.
Q: How many Yankees does it takes to screw in a light bulb.
A: None. If Steinbrenner owns the light bulbs they’re already screwed.
Q: How many Red Sox does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: Who needs light bulbs, the Red Sox are already well lit by the gentle glow of victory.
Those are marginally better than the knock knock jokes, but the effort was still, as one of Sam Melendez’s professors would say, “slightly worse than abysmal.”
So after that failed Jose really sat down and thought about what is making people laugh these days, and then it hit him– observational humor. Okay, so it was more making people laugh inn 1997ish than now, but it’s all Jose got... that or gross out humor. So let’s give observational humor a try.
What’s the deal with the .406 Club? It’s not really a club. You don’t have to apply for membership. It doesn’t have passwords or secret handshakes. Heck, you don’t even have to have hit .406 to get in. On the other hand, it is better than when they called it the 600 Club. The 600 Club sounded like it was a club for people who are pretty self righteous, but not quite self righteous enough to make it to the 700 Club.
How was that? Not great was it? Well, it’s back to throwing fastballs for Jose. More badly out of date Cesar Crespo jokes and nicknames no one quite gets coming up!
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Saturday, April 23
4/23/05 -- Obey the Prime Directive
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tonight it the first night of Passover, the feast of unleavened bread (note: and four cups of wine. Any religion that has a holiday ordering what the American Medical Association calls "binge drinking" is okay with Jose.) Every year, Jose finds that one of the most poignant moments of the Seder service is the commemoration of the plagues. Because Pharaoh would not free the Jews, God punished all Egyptians with 10 plagues ranging from, the relatively benign (frogs), to the gross (boils) to the truly horrible (death of the first born). Each Jew remember these plagues and the fact that the Egyptians, who are human being too, had to suffer by dipping a finger in red wine 10 times and placing a drop on his plate, one time for each of the plagues.
Empathy is good. It binds us together as human beings and keeps us moral far more effectively than the fear of God. But empathy is much easier to come by when your side is on top. This year, we, as Red Sox fans are on top, so Jose asks you to join him in remembering the ten plagues of October and the suffering of Yankees fans, who, after all are still human beings... technically. So let’s take our glasses of red wine and get ready to dip.
Millar’s walk
Roberts’ steal
Mueller’s hit
Ortiz’s walk off homer
Tony Clark’s ground rule double
Wakefield’s brilliant relief
Ortiz’s walk off single
The umpires’ reversal of the "no home run" call
The umpires’ reversal of the slap call
The Sox come back from 3-0 to clinch at Yankee Stadium
Now, DRINK THE FIRST CUP OF WINE.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tonight it the first night of Passover, the feast of unleavened bread (note: and four cups of wine. Any religion that has a holiday ordering what the American Medical Association calls "binge drinking" is okay with Jose.) Every year, Jose finds that one of the most poignant moments of the Seder service is the commemoration of the plagues. Because Pharaoh would not free the Jews, God punished all Egyptians with 10 plagues ranging from, the relatively benign (frogs), to the gross (boils) to the truly horrible (death of the first born). Each Jew remember these plagues and the fact that the Egyptians, who are human being too, had to suffer by dipping a finger in red wine 10 times and placing a drop on his plate, one time for each of the plagues.
Empathy is good. It binds us together as human beings and keeps us moral far more effectively than the fear of God. But empathy is much easier to come by when your side is on top. This year, we, as Red Sox fans are on top, so Jose asks you to join him in remembering the ten plagues of October and the suffering of Yankees fans, who, after all are still human beings... technically. So let’s take our glasses of red wine and get ready to dip.
Millar’s walk
Roberts’ steal
Mueller’s hit
Ortiz’s walk off homer
Tony Clark’s ground rule double
Wakefield’s brilliant relief
Ortiz’s walk off single
The umpires’ reversal of the "no home run" call
The umpires’ reversal of the slap call
The Sox come back from 3-0 to clinch at Yankee Stadium
Now, DRINK THE FIRST CUP OF WINE.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, April 22
4/22/05 – Wake Catches TB Again
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose can’t stop thinking about this Gary Sheffield/Christopher House situation. He wants to; he’s not really interested in it; he doesn’t care. But people just can’t shut up about it.
What really gets Jose, as he mention two days ago, is that it is actually illegal to punch Gary Sheffield in the face. Come on!!! This is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, not the Commonwealth of Let’s Embrace Our Enemies and Be Nice and All Get Along. But there is a solution.
Under the Massachusetts General Laws, or Constitution or something, every Massachusetts citizen has the right to file a bill in the legislature. Your legislator doesn’t have to support the bill or even sponsor it, but he is legally obligated to file it under your name. When Jose worked at the State House, he remembers two such bills, one to “ban the teaching of the religion of secularism in public schools” and another to allow parents to decline to vaccinate their children even if they don’t have any medical or religious objection. So you know it’s good for serious mainstream issues.
It’s also good for getting things made the official state whatever. Jose has long wanted to file a bill that would make “They Came to Boston” by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones the Official State Ska-Core Song, though he worries it would face serious opposition west of 495. Jose’s brother Sam also had an idea to file a bill that would make it legal to punch someone in the face for talking on one of those annoying cell phone walkie talkies. It’s not that it would be illegal to use one of those phones, it’s just that if you did, other people would have the right to punch you in the face. This proposal is sort of the inspiration for Jose’s latest legislative idea.
An Act Relative to the Punching in the Face of Yankees Right Fielders
Whereas the World Champion Boston Red Sox are among the most cherished of Massachusetts institutions, the Commonwealth’s premiere tourist attraction and a source of great civic pride; and
Whereas the baseball organization know as the New York Yankees has long been the arch enemy of said source of civic pride; and
Whereas the members of said New York Yankees are known to be of low character, questionable hygiene and ill-temper; and
Whereas the members of said New York Yankees who play the position of right field have in the past assaulted citizens of the Commonwealth and are know to be motherfudgers; and
Whereas the doctrine of preemptive attack is an significant part of the public discourse and American foreign policy in the year 2005; be it Resolved that all citizens of the Commonwealth shall have the right to strike a blow to any member of said New York Yankees who plays the position of right field or has played the position of right field in the face without fear of prosecution. This statute shall be limited to blows to the face and shall not by misconstrued to cover blows to the groin, kidneys or back of the neck.
It may have some issues with equal protection under the law, but that could probably be solved by expanding it to left fielders. Other than that, it’s tight. Now if one filed this at the beginning of a session (note: the next one starts in December 2006) the Legislature would have to give it a hearing. Really. However, if we file it now, since it is a late filed bill, it would get sent to the Committee on Rules where it would languish unless we could get the Committee to report it out.
Still, if there are any Patriots out there with far too much time on your hands call your state representative today!
See the full KEYS at www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose can’t stop thinking about this Gary Sheffield/Christopher House situation. He wants to; he’s not really interested in it; he doesn’t care. But people just can’t shut up about it.
What really gets Jose, as he mention two days ago, is that it is actually illegal to punch Gary Sheffield in the face. Come on!!! This is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, not the Commonwealth of Let’s Embrace Our Enemies and Be Nice and All Get Along. But there is a solution.
Under the Massachusetts General Laws, or Constitution or something, every Massachusetts citizen has the right to file a bill in the legislature. Your legislator doesn’t have to support the bill or even sponsor it, but he is legally obligated to file it under your name. When Jose worked at the State House, he remembers two such bills, one to “ban the teaching of the religion of secularism in public schools” and another to allow parents to decline to vaccinate their children even if they don’t have any medical or religious objection. So you know it’s good for serious mainstream issues.
It’s also good for getting things made the official state whatever. Jose has long wanted to file a bill that would make “They Came to Boston” by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones the Official State Ska-Core Song, though he worries it would face serious opposition west of 495. Jose’s brother Sam also had an idea to file a bill that would make it legal to punch someone in the face for talking on one of those annoying cell phone walkie talkies. It’s not that it would be illegal to use one of those phones, it’s just that if you did, other people would have the right to punch you in the face. This proposal is sort of the inspiration for Jose’s latest legislative idea.
An Act Relative to the Punching in the Face of Yankees Right Fielders
Whereas the World Champion Boston Red Sox are among the most cherished of Massachusetts institutions, the Commonwealth’s premiere tourist attraction and a source of great civic pride; and
Whereas the baseball organization know as the New York Yankees has long been the arch enemy of said source of civic pride; and
Whereas the members of said New York Yankees are known to be of low character, questionable hygiene and ill-temper; and
Whereas the members of said New York Yankees who play the position of right field have in the past assaulted citizens of the Commonwealth and are know to be motherfudgers; and
Whereas the doctrine of preemptive attack is an significant part of the public discourse and American foreign policy in the year 2005; be it Resolved that all citizens of the Commonwealth shall have the right to strike a blow to any member of said New York Yankees who plays the position of right field or has played the position of right field in the face without fear of prosecution. This statute shall be limited to blows to the face and shall not by misconstrued to cover blows to the groin, kidneys or back of the neck.
It may have some issues with equal protection under the law, but that could probably be solved by expanding it to left fielders. Other than that, it’s tight. Now if one filed this at the beginning of a session (note: the next one starts in December 2006) the Legislature would have to give it a hearing. Really. However, if we file it now, since it is a late filed bill, it would get sent to the Committee on Rules where it would languish unless we could get the Committee to report it out.
Still, if there are any Patriots out there with far too much time on your hands call your state representative today!
See the full KEYS at www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, April 21
4/21/05 Antipope vs. KITH Sketch Subject
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
When the white smoke streamed from the Vatican chimney on Thursday, Jose is certain that many of his readers, perhaps some of whom stood with the jubilant masses in St. Peter’s Square itself, waited nervously for Matthew Paul Clement to emerge as Pope Clement XV dressed in the traditional home white vestments. And then, as the world waited for the first Pope with a 90+ mph fastball since Pius III to step forth, something happened. Something unexpected.
Out came a 78 year old German whose name is perilously close to the guy who played Cliff on Cheers and can barely break 80 on the radar gun. (Note: Not that radar guns are reliable for any magistrate’s reading this.)
Jose knows a lot of you, Catholic and otherwise, are bitterly disappointed, both with the fact that the fact that the College of Cardinals bypassed Clement and the fact that Jose’s insights into the opaque world of Vatican politics were so badly flawed. To you Jose says “Keep the Faith!!!” This is not over, Jose concedes nothing.
While the mainstream media has yet to realize it, we are at the beginning of the third Great Schism in the history of the Church. The first occurred in 1045 when Pope Leo IX and Patriarch Michael I excommunicated each other, splitting Christendom into Catholicism and Orthodoxy.
The second more relevant schism, known as the Western Schism, came in 1378 when the papacy returned to Rome following 73 years in Avignion, France, where the Pope served largely at the pleasure of the French King. The first Pope elected following the return to Rome was Pope Urban VI, a basically competent guy who went mad with power, sort of like Dan Duquette, so the College of Cardinals decided to elect another Pope Clement VII to replace Urban VI even though he was not technically dead.
The two popes excommunicated each other, as was the custom at the time, and then the Cardinals picked a third pope Alexander V who was rapidly succeeded by John XXIII. So now you had three popes running around excommunicating each other. Somehow it all worked out in the end, but rather than Jose running on and on about it, you can read about it at wikipedia which is where Jose has been paraphrasing from anyway. (Note to Peter Gammons: See, if you remember to cite in the original article the first time, one need not face embarrassing, and unfair, plagiarism accusations and print undignified corrections.)
This brings us to today… Thursday. Jose has in on good authority that a faction of Cardinals (note: possibly the St. Louis Cardinals, but Cardinals nevertheless) is going to acknowledge Clement as the true supreme pontiff this afternoon, thereby setting up rival power centers in the church, a Rome papacy and a Boston papacy. In the schismatic tradition, the two popes should start referring to each other as the antipope soon thereafter. (Note: Is the antipope made of antimatter? If he were to touch the real pope would they explode? Jose is pretty sure there was a lot of antimatter in the Vatican thriller Angels and Demons; how did Dan Brown not address this?)
So be not disappointed. Matthew Paul Clement will pitch tonight for the first time as Pope (or Antipope) Clement XV. Look for the traditional gray road vestments and puffs of white smoke coming off of his fastballs.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
When the white smoke streamed from the Vatican chimney on Thursday, Jose is certain that many of his readers, perhaps some of whom stood with the jubilant masses in St. Peter’s Square itself, waited nervously for Matthew Paul Clement to emerge as Pope Clement XV dressed in the traditional home white vestments. And then, as the world waited for the first Pope with a 90+ mph fastball since Pius III to step forth, something happened. Something unexpected.
Out came a 78 year old German whose name is perilously close to the guy who played Cliff on Cheers and can barely break 80 on the radar gun. (Note: Not that radar guns are reliable for any magistrate’s reading this.)
Jose knows a lot of you, Catholic and otherwise, are bitterly disappointed, both with the fact that the fact that the College of Cardinals bypassed Clement and the fact that Jose’s insights into the opaque world of Vatican politics were so badly flawed. To you Jose says “Keep the Faith!!!” This is not over, Jose concedes nothing.
While the mainstream media has yet to realize it, we are at the beginning of the third Great Schism in the history of the Church. The first occurred in 1045 when Pope Leo IX and Patriarch Michael I excommunicated each other, splitting Christendom into Catholicism and Orthodoxy.
The second more relevant schism, known as the Western Schism, came in 1378 when the papacy returned to Rome following 73 years in Avignion, France, where the Pope served largely at the pleasure of the French King. The first Pope elected following the return to Rome was Pope Urban VI, a basically competent guy who went mad with power, sort of like Dan Duquette, so the College of Cardinals decided to elect another Pope Clement VII to replace Urban VI even though he was not technically dead.
The two popes excommunicated each other, as was the custom at the time, and then the Cardinals picked a third pope Alexander V who was rapidly succeeded by John XXIII. So now you had three popes running around excommunicating each other. Somehow it all worked out in the end, but rather than Jose running on and on about it, you can read about it at wikipedia which is where Jose has been paraphrasing from anyway. (Note to Peter Gammons: See, if you remember to cite in the original article the first time, one need not face embarrassing, and unfair, plagiarism accusations and print undignified corrections.)
This brings us to today… Thursday. Jose has in on good authority that a faction of Cardinals (note: possibly the St. Louis Cardinals, but Cardinals nevertheless) is going to acknowledge Clement as the true supreme pontiff this afternoon, thereby setting up rival power centers in the church, a Rome papacy and a Boston papacy. In the schismatic tradition, the two popes should start referring to each other as the antipope soon thereafter. (Note: Is the antipope made of antimatter? If he were to touch the real pope would they explode? Jose is pretty sure there was a lot of antimatter in the Vatican thriller Angels and Demons; how did Dan Brown not address this?)
So be not disappointed. Matthew Paul Clement will pitch tonight for the first time as Pope (or Antipope) Clement XV. Look for the traditional gray road vestments and puffs of white smoke coming off of his fastballs.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, April 20
4/20/05 -- Wells vs. Chen
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Advocate a full public accounting of the Globe’s ban on reviewing self-published books. Write to ombud@globe .com!!! (Note: If you get a reply, let Jose know at keystothegame@hotmail.com).
Congratulations to Tim Wakefield for signing what is effectively a lifetime contract with the Red Sox and far more importantly, for making Jose look like a genius.
It’s easy for Jose to say that Wakefield is his all time favorite Red Sox now that he has ten years of distinguished service with the team including three spectacular innings of relief in Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS, but it was true in 1995 too. It was in 1995, that Jose proudly used his 10 percent Fenway employee discount to drop almost two days pay on an authentic Tim Wakefield road jersey. Who knew at the time that Wakefield would be the last member of the 1995 AL East Champions to remaining with the team? Jose knew, that’s who. (Note: Trot Nixon has been with the organization longer, but not with the Major League club.)
While other fans have been forced to deface or retire their Vaughn, Clemens and Nomar jerseys, Jose has worn his Wakefield jersey year after year after year, secure in the knowledge that he will never have to remove the name or the number, each of which added $20 to the price of the garment.
In fact, Jose can only think of two decisions in his entire life that were as shrewd as the purchase of that jersey. The first was buying a tuxedo for his junior prom. Jose has worn that thing so many times that it’s saved him a fortune. The key is getting the adjustable waist and the shawl cut. While proper lapels get wider and narrow with fashion, the shawl always stays the same. With a shawl cut tuxedo, one is never in style, but one is also never out of style. Actually, this is Jose’s life philosophy. He is never completely in vogue but never completely out of vogue either. Jose’s second shrewd decision was choosing the moniker “Jose Melendez” rather than “Dario Veras.” I’m Dario Veras and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME. See… no rhythm at all.
For the full KEYS, visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Advocate a full public accounting of the Globe’s ban on reviewing self-published books. Write to ombud@globe .com!!! (Note: If you get a reply, let Jose know at keystothegame@hotmail.com).
Congratulations to Tim Wakefield for signing what is effectively a lifetime contract with the Red Sox and far more importantly, for making Jose look like a genius.
It’s easy for Jose to say that Wakefield is his all time favorite Red Sox now that he has ten years of distinguished service with the team including three spectacular innings of relief in Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS, but it was true in 1995 too. It was in 1995, that Jose proudly used his 10 percent Fenway employee discount to drop almost two days pay on an authentic Tim Wakefield road jersey. Who knew at the time that Wakefield would be the last member of the 1995 AL East Champions to remaining with the team? Jose knew, that’s who. (Note: Trot Nixon has been with the organization longer, but not with the Major League club.)
While other fans have been forced to deface or retire their Vaughn, Clemens and Nomar jerseys, Jose has worn his Wakefield jersey year after year after year, secure in the knowledge that he will never have to remove the name or the number, each of which added $20 to the price of the garment.
In fact, Jose can only think of two decisions in his entire life that were as shrewd as the purchase of that jersey. The first was buying a tuxedo for his junior prom. Jose has worn that thing so many times that it’s saved him a fortune. The key is getting the adjustable waist and the shawl cut. While proper lapels get wider and narrow with fashion, the shawl always stays the same. With a shawl cut tuxedo, one is never in style, but one is also never out of style. Actually, this is Jose’s life philosophy. He is never completely in vogue but never completely out of vogue either. Jose’s second shrewd decision was choosing the moniker “Jose Melendez” rather than “Dario Veras.” I’m Dario Veras and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME. See… no rhythm at all.
For the full KEYS, visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Tuesday, April 19
4/19/05 -- Balki vs. Halladay
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose is getting upset with the Boston Globe. Not only do they keep Dan Shaughnessy on staff, not only do they continue to run Mallard Filmore, not only did they run a story today headlined “Real men exfoliate,” but they confirmed today, that they are completely and utterly without a sense of humor.
As you may recall, Jose sent a quipy email to the Globe Ombudsman asking if they had a policy against reviewing self-published books.
What he got in return was this.
“Sorry, the Globe does not review self published books.”
That’s it. One terse sentence. One terse, boring, unfunny sentence. No shtick, no dialogue, just one crummy sentence that says what it means in the smallest possible number of words. Leave it to journalistic training to crush the fun out of answering email.
If Jose was answering email for the Ombudsman’s office, he could have come up with any number of snappier answers. Consider the following:
Sorry, the Globe does not, as a matter of policy, review the ravings of lunatics, with the noteworthy exception of Bill Lee.
Sorry, the Globe does not review elf published books. (Note: That would be some great typo humor for Lord of the Rings Fans.)
Sorry, the Globe does not review the work of anyone more talented than Dan Shaughnessy, thus our book review consists largely of reviews of the novels of Jackie Collins.
Sorry, the Globe does not respond to the emails of self published auth—I’ve said too much already.
The point is that the Globe should really listen to what Jose says, and take his advice. The fact that they stubbornly cling to the professional standards of the industry is just crazy. It’s like Terry Eurona refusing to take advice from the drunkards on the first base line or Gary Sheffield failing to acknowledge the fans’ insightful observation that “he sucks.” After all, why would we, as fans, be on the sidelines in both baseball and newspaper publishing unless we had such mastery of the subjects that to actually be involved for a living would be no challenge whatsoever? Surely not because we lack aptitude.
But we live in a democratic age, where the awesome power of the “Internet” has given every crank the ability to make his voice heard. So here is what Jose proposes to do. He proposes to organize an email campaign to the Globe Ombudsman asking for a full and public accounting of why they won’t review self-published books. Jose’s goal is NOT to get his book reviewed. All that would accomplish is getting him a bad review. His goal is only to demonstrate his awesome power to annoy. As soon as we are done with the Globe, Jose promises he will organize the Internet email campaign to get Blaine Neal to throw more strikes.
So if you want to modestly inconvenience a major newspaper, send some version of the following note to ombud@globe.com.
Dear ombudsman,
It has recently come to my attention that the Globe, as a matter of policy, does not review self-published books. What’s up with that? At least five people would like to know why, so if you could address it in the Ombudsman column, that would be super.
Your pal,
NAME
If the Red Sox have taught us anything, it is that, if they work together, 25 Idiots can accomplish anything. Unfortunately, most of Jose’s readers are not Idiots, so we don’t have much of a chance, but there’s no harm in trying anyway.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose is getting upset with the Boston Globe. Not only do they keep Dan Shaughnessy on staff, not only do they continue to run Mallard Filmore, not only did they run a story today headlined “Real men exfoliate,” but they confirmed today, that they are completely and utterly without a sense of humor.
As you may recall, Jose sent a quipy email to the Globe Ombudsman asking if they had a policy against reviewing self-published books.
What he got in return was this.
“Sorry, the Globe does not review self published books.”
That’s it. One terse sentence. One terse, boring, unfunny sentence. No shtick, no dialogue, just one crummy sentence that says what it means in the smallest possible number of words. Leave it to journalistic training to crush the fun out of answering email.
If Jose was answering email for the Ombudsman’s office, he could have come up with any number of snappier answers. Consider the following:
Sorry, the Globe does not, as a matter of policy, review the ravings of lunatics, with the noteworthy exception of Bill Lee.
Sorry, the Globe does not review elf published books. (Note: That would be some great typo humor for Lord of the Rings Fans.)
Sorry, the Globe does not review the work of anyone more talented than Dan Shaughnessy, thus our book review consists largely of reviews of the novels of Jackie Collins.
Sorry, the Globe does not respond to the emails of self published auth—I’ve said too much already.
The point is that the Globe should really listen to what Jose says, and take his advice. The fact that they stubbornly cling to the professional standards of the industry is just crazy. It’s like Terry Eurona refusing to take advice from the drunkards on the first base line or Gary Sheffield failing to acknowledge the fans’ insightful observation that “he sucks.” After all, why would we, as fans, be on the sidelines in both baseball and newspaper publishing unless we had such mastery of the subjects that to actually be involved for a living would be no challenge whatsoever? Surely not because we lack aptitude.
But we live in a democratic age, where the awesome power of the “Internet” has given every crank the ability to make his voice heard. So here is what Jose proposes to do. He proposes to organize an email campaign to the Globe Ombudsman asking for a full and public accounting of why they won’t review self-published books. Jose’s goal is NOT to get his book reviewed. All that would accomplish is getting him a bad review. His goal is only to demonstrate his awesome power to annoy. As soon as we are done with the Globe, Jose promises he will organize the Internet email campaign to get Blaine Neal to throw more strikes.
So if you want to modestly inconvenience a major newspaper, send some version of the following note to ombud@globe.com.
Dear ombudsman,
It has recently come to my attention that the Globe, as a matter of policy, does not review self-published books. What’s up with that? At least five people would like to know why, so if you could address it in the Ombudsman column, that would be super.
Your pal,
NAME
If the Red Sox have taught us anything, it is that, if they work together, 25 Idiots can accomplish anything. Unfortunately, most of Jose’s readers are not Idiots, so we don’t have much of a chance, but there’s no harm in trying anyway.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
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