8/17/05 --Wells vs. the Amazing Bonder Man

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

We have a serious problem in Boston, and it’s spreading faster than lice on Jason Giambi. Jose is a big supporter of Mayor Menino and is loathe to bring this up in an election year, but damn it, someone needs to say something. If we don’t take action, it won’t be long before they’ve infested every corner of the city.

Oh…who are they? You don’t know? Really? Jose thought it would have been obvious when he talked about uncontrolled infestations that he was speaking about street mimes.

Let Jose be the first to say that he has nothing against mimes when they are safely locked in invisible boxes, but having them out on the street is just a hazard. In the past week Jose has seen TWO, that’s right TWO street mimes in Boston. That’s an infinite percentage higher than the zero he’d seen in the city previously.

The first time Jose saw a street mime was in New Orleans, The Jazz Machine he was called. He stood there dressed like a hipster with his saxophone and if you dropped a dime, he’d blow a few notes, a dollar would get you a few bars and more might have gotten you a whole song. To be honest Jose isn’t sure. No way he was giving any more than a dollar to any street performance not involving marionettes.

But the two in Boston can’t measure up. There’s one at Fanueil Hall wearing a white tutu and pasty goth makeup who blows fairy kisses using baby powder. She doesn’t even put the baby power in a container that says fairy dust. That’s like Rafael Palmiero taking steroids out of a bottle labeled “illegal steroids” rather than one labeled “mysterious supplement.” She should at least have some plausible deniability.

Then last night Jose saw another woman in white makeup on Boston Common who has some sort of Indian/Hindu thing going. Both mimes shared The Jazz Machine’s “you get what your drop in the bucket philosophy.” They don’t move unless you pay.

The reason Jose mentions this in this space is that the infestation may even have reached Fenway Park. Jose isn’t certain, but he thinks that he has yet to see Kevin Millar move so much as a muscle in right field without someone dropping a dollar first.

For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/16/05 -- Papelbon vs. Robertson

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose went out for beers with some friends at 9:30 last night with the Sox up 6-3 secure in the knowledge that there was no way our bullpen could blow a three run lead to the Tee-zhers for the second time that night. As he and his friends sat outside at the Boston BeerWorks on Canal Street a dirty, confused man sucking on a cigarette walked by and yelled at us “You fags ezhnoy a eyam kozet?”

He continued to walk by so we didn’t think much of it. Then, without stopping, he turned his head and again yelled “You fags ejoy the Needymad conzet?”

Apparently, he was asking us if we’d enjoyed the Neil Diamond Concert. It was an odd question, as the concert, which we had no knowledge of, was in progress as we sat there quaffing malt, hops, yeast and water mixed together and allowed to fester. So effectively he was asking us how we were enjoying something that it was literally impossible for us to be a part of. It’s like asking the Yankees how they’re enjoying the 2005 pennant race. (Note: Blah, blah, three and a half games back blah, blah. As long as the Yankees continue to assemble the best set of pitchers 1995 has to offer—Johnson, Mussina, Brown, Nomo, Leiter—they will never be in this race…umm… right?)

For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/15/05 -- 2004 World Champs vs. 1984 World Champs

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose was watching a Major League Soccer game the other night (note: or flipping by it to be more accurate) and noticed that the New England Revolution were competing against a club know as “Real Salt Lake.” Jose has two reactions. First, he questions the viability of any league that would put a team in Utah (note: and no he is not making an exception for the NBA). Second, giving bland, white bread Salt Lake the prefix “Real” in order to make it seem more Euro is both curious and amusing.

Actually, Jose sort of likes this about MLS. They know that soccer is not a particularly popular spectator sport in the U.S., at least in part because the overwhelming majority of the best players are from other countries and play in Europe. Moreover, the game is perceived as being foreign unlike basketball, football or baseball. So how do they deal with it? They give some of their teams vaguely Euro names like Real Salt Lake and DC United. Yup, that should help marketing in middle America. They love Europe there! Soccer already has the interest of Euros living in the U.S., so if MLS really wanted to expand their market, they should have given the teams hearty, American names, like the Salt Lake McNuggets or Law and Order: DC Soccer Unit.

The game that should really adopt the catchy Euro names is baseball. Also, players should start wearing all black uniforms. Baseball has no popularity or even comprehension in Europe, even though Europeans with their short work hours and copious leisure time are the perfect audience for a sport whose matches routinely take three hours. So Jose has a few idea on Euro names that major league teams should consider adopting.

· From now on the LA Dodgers should be known as Real LA. This would be in contrast to the LA Angels of Anaheim, who would be known as Fake LA, since they do not play in Los Angeles. Alternatively, whatever team has Rheal Cormier at the moment could take the prefix. For instance, it would be the Rheal Philadelphia Phillies.

· One of the Chicago teams should become Chicago United. This reason for giving Chicago the United moniker is that United Airlines is based there, so there could be a good marketing hook. Better yet, they should merge the Cubs and White Sox and then having a team called Chicago United. It’s time to end the North Side South side divide and really focus on ostracizing the West Side.

· There has to be at least one team with some letters attached to its name that no one really understands the meaning of. Something along the lines of AC Milan of FC Barcelona. Jose’s initial thought is that the Twins should become AC Minnesota, since they always play in an air conditioned dome. Alternatively the Devil Rays cold become FC Tampa Bay, with the FC standing for f*cked company.

The point is that if baseball wants to have a real world cup, it needs to broaden its appeal and Jose can think of no better way to do that then with empty gestures and flashy repackaging.

For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.

8/12/05 -- Laundry Battle

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

The series of five manhole explosions that rocked the North End last night left Jose understanding exactly what it must be like to be the Tampax Bay Devil Rays—he was completely and utterly without power.

For the second time this year, the power went out in Melendezville, but this time Jose wisely chose not to manage a power outage by locking himself out of the house. But in the darkness and the quiet one has time to think, to ponder the questions that the hustle and bustle of the electronic world leaves no time to contemplate. Things like:

· Jose is so glad there is no game tonight, or he would be missing it.
· If Euro Bellhorn gets released and no one is there to see it, does he make a sound? He’s pretty quiet, you know.
· Is Brian Shouse really still in the majors? And if so is he the same guy as Brian Looney?
· When the Czech and Slovak Republics convert from crowns to euros, will Jose have to talk about Derek Lee chasing the triple euro?
· When will the God d*mn power come back on?


For todyas comlpete KEYS visit www.wallballsinlge.com

8/10/05 – Balki vs. Ballistic

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The arbitrator who yesterday reduced the suspension of Rangers starter Kenny Rogers for thrice beating a cameraman from 20 games to 13 games has been roundly criticized for being far too lenient on the righty and allowing him to miss only two starts. (Note: In his comments MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said “I am not a happy Commissioner.” Is sounded awkward, almost like he couldn’t say “I am not a happy man” because it would be a lie—because he isn’t a man. That’s right. This confirms Jose’s long held suspicion that like Sam Cassell and Eric Williams, Bud Selig is an alien bent on destroying the human race. Fortunately for us the only way he knows how to destroy anything is with labor strife and poor media relations, so while baseball may be screwed, the human race will probably survive.)

Jose thinks that this criticism is ill-advised and frankly uncalled for. Has it occurred to anyone that maybe, just maybe the arbitrator has made Rogers’ punishment more severe? That’s right. Now, instead of sitting around wondering what the trademark implications would be if he started his own eponymous fried chicken business, Rogers has to go out and get his *ss beat by the Boston Red Sox. How, oh how, is that being lenient?

For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/9/05 -- Jose Goes for 10-1

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. In the ancient Japanese capital of Kyoto, a bastion of Zen tranquility in a land of urban sprawl, green netted driving ranges and shrieking cicadas, the landscape is as completely littered with temples as New York is littered with… well… litter. At the age of 13, Jose traveled there on his first trip overseas and was struck by two of the ancient shrines.

The first was Kinkakuji, the Golden Pavilion, a three story black roofed shrine, the top two levels of which are covered in brilliant gold leaf. The Pavilion sits serenely on the end of a dock, the silence interrupted only by the gentle ripples of the water and the thousands and thousands and thousands of tourists. The grandeur of the Golden Pavilion, its opulence made quite an impression on the teenaged Jose.

The second was Ginkakuji, the Silver Pavilion, a humble wooden shrine that looks a bit weathered. It is, ironically not silver, and yet retains the name “Silver Pavilion” much as Kevin Millar retains the name “First Baseman Kevin Millar” even though he cannot really play first base. When Jose saw the Silver Pavilion, especially after seeing the Golden Pavilion, he came away a little disappointed. (Note: And the Bronze Pavilion is probably even more disappointing, but either Jose didn’t visit it or there is no such thing.)

While Jose had preferred the Golden Pavilion, the Japanese, his Japanese host explained, tended to prefer the Silver Pavilion. While the flash and glitz of the Golden Pavilion enchants the western eye, the Japanese are drawn to the austere beauty of the Silver Pavilion.

The reason Jose tells you all of this is that he is trying to figure out how new Sox first baseman Roberto Petagine won a gold glove in the Japan’s Central League. After getting his first good look at Petagine last night and watching him let a ball slip through his legs, get turned around on a pop up in foul ground and, as best Jose could tell, have Kevin Millar brought in for him as a defensive replacement, it is clear that Petagine could not possibly have won a gold glove for being a good fielder. (Note: Not that Derek Jeter could have either.) The only possible explanations that Jose can come up with are that either Petagine’s defensive skills have taken a dive so steep that it is typically only caused by rigor mortis, or that the gold glove is not an award given out for defensive prowess in Japan. Jose suspects that since the Japanese know that gaijin like shiny gold things, such as the Golden Pavilion, they hand them out willy nilly to Westerners. (Note: Petagine’s home country of Venezuela counts as the West even if it is underdeveloped.) Has anyone asked Gabe Kapler, “The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew” if they gave him a gold glove? Jose bets they did. Meanwhile, the actual award for outstanding defensive play is the Silver Glove, which ironically is made of wood, not silver. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/8/05 – Miller vs. Rodriguez

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. When today’s KEYS end up sucking (note: and they will) Jose expects, nay Jose demands that you cut him some slack. After all, you’ve all cut Antipope Clement XV slack. Heck, even after Clement missed an entire start, you still let him off the hook for his ho-hum start. “We’re just glad that he’s okay,” you said. (Note: Okay, and Jose said too.)
Well, much like Clement, Jose got his skull cracked, just yesterday in fact, and guess what? Here he is back to work the very next day making his regularly scheduled start. When the boom on his father’s boat cut a graceful arc in the wind and swung squarely into the back of Jose’s head do you know what he thought? Do you?

He didn’t think “I’d better not move” or “am I bleeding?” or even “txfg dfgd rgdf.” No, he thought, how can Jose work this in to tomorrow’s KEYS. Even as he lay on the deck (note: floor) felled by a maritime rabbit punch, Jose was thinking about this feature, about the fans and about how he can help the team.

So when you’re stuck for the next week with KEYS about subjects like: “Tony Graffanino is not really that bad,” “Jeremi Gonzales really is that bad” and “Is Wilton Veras still the third baseman of the future?” remember that as bad as it is, it’s not nearly as bad as six earned runs in five innings, and you let that slide.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/5/05 -- Balkie vs. Radke

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Man-E-Faces Ramirez sat yesterday following a horrific collision with shortstop Edgar Renteria on Wednesday night. Lest anyone assume that Manny is faking, the Globe printed a picture of Manny’s blood filled right eye on the front page of the sports section. (Note: Jose is eagerly anticipating certain bigots on WEEI claiming that Manny is just wearing contact lenses that create the illusion of blood in order to get out of playing.)

Jose knows exactly how this feels. When he was a sophomore in high school he took a thumb to the eye while playing pickup basketball and ended up with a crimson eyeball for the better part of a month. Jose wavered for a few days between wearing an eye patch and sunglasses to school before finally settling on the sunglasses because they made in far easier to sleep in class.

Here’s what Jose learned from the experience—bloody eyeballs are gross. People are tempted to look at them, but are disgusted by what they see. They unsettle people; they disturb them. This can be a weapon Manny, and Jose urges you to use it. When you step in tonight against Twins starter Brad Radke open your eyes wide and make sure he gets a good look; consider bringing a magnifying glass to the plate so he’ll be sure to see every ruptured corpuscle. If the doctors have proscribed ointment to deal with it, why not put it in while standing in the batter’s box? Talk about how it oozes. Do you think Radke has the constitution to deal with that? This is a psychological advantage Manny. Use it.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/4/05 – And Batting Clean Up Roberto Petagine

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Have you ever had a few too many beers and done something you wish you hadn’t? Not Jose. Never. Well at least not until last night. Jose is ashamed to admit it, but after his fifth or sixth beer he got a little tipsy and… God it’s embarrassing even to whisper it . Uggh…

It’s not that Jose is anti-wave. In fact, he sort of likes it within certain well defined boundaries. The wave is fine whenever the opposing team is batting in the fifth, sixth or seventh innings as long as the Sox have the lead. But Jose, as best he can recall, gave it a shot in the eighth inning with the Sox at bat. Just bad form… terrible.

But there is an explanation for all of this. This was not about starting the wave. That would be lame. This was about starting a delayed wave, which is a sophisticated Dadaist commentary on contemporary mores. Jose’s brother Sam Melendez is the inventor of the delayed wave concept, an idea marvelous in its simplicity. All one has to do is wait until three seconds after the wave goes by and then stand up and do the wave. The Wave, as anyone who saw the after school special “The Wave” about a high school where a history starts a fascist movement called The Wave to show his students that Nazism could happen anywhere, is a metaphor for from the breakdown of individual identity when one submits to the compact unity of a fascist state. The delayed wave is a rejection of complete submission to the dominant strain of social organization without rejecting the organizing principles themselves. Or it is something that is amusing to do while drunk. Both characterizations are good.

Last night we had almost all of section 36 organized to do the delayed wave, and then the idiots trying to start the wave in the sixth inning couldn’t get the job done. Jose was left in the uncomfortable position of trying to start a wave in order to create the possibility of the delayed wave. This is like trying to hit a sacrifice fly as the first batter of an inning. It is simply absurd. And so, the internal contradictions of Jose’s plan collapsed the intellectual superstructure of the idea leaving a smoking intellectual carcass in the bleachers.

(Note: Jose would like to point out that if we had traded Manny last night’s painful collision between Manny and Edgar Renterria would not have happened. Not only, would Mike Cameron have been in the collision rather than Manny, but ER would have been much less hurt, as Mike Cameron’s head is famously soft and malleable.)

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/3/05 –Jose goes for 10-1

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

(Note: For those of you who wasked about KEYS merchandise at the Bash it is available here.)1. Now that Man-E-Faces Ramirez has claimed “It’s Just Manny Being Manny” as his own personal tagline, Jose thinks it’s time that we look at the potential marketing opportunities. To that end, Jose Melendez is proud to present some possible ad copy.

“Hi, I’m Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez. I like hitting the ball, hiding in the wall and eating delicious tuna salad. But when I eat my tuna salad, I don’t want it made with Miracle Whip or oil, for me it’s not tuna salad unless it’s made with real Mayonnaise—Hellman’s Mayonnaise. So the next time you’re at the super market remember: Hellman’s—It’s Just Mayonnaise Being Mayonnaise.”

“This is Manny Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox. Like a lot of you, I’m a big fan of the fine arts. But when I want some culture, I’m not looking for pointillism, cubism, Dadaism or any of this modernist crap. That’s why I like to visit the impressionist galleries at the Museum of Fine Arts. Because at the MFA it’s just Manet Being Manet.”

“Shalom. This is World Series MVP Manny Ramirez. The high holidays are just around the corner and you know what that means? Wine. Whenever Gabe Kapler, Kevin Youkilis, Adam Stern or Theo Epstein chat with me about Rosh Hashanah dinner they always ask me ‘Manny, I was thinking about trying a dryer sacred wine tonight. What do you think?’ And I always give the same response. ‘Stick with Manischewitz in delicious concord grape, boysenberry and black cherry flavors. Sure, it’s a sweeter wine, but isn’t sweet how you’d like your new year to be? Remember with Manischewitz, the first name in kosher wines, It’s Just Mani [schewitz] being Mani [schewitz].’”

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

8/2/05 – Jose goes for 9-1

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Strike up the band—

And play something peppy. How about the “Popeye the Sailor Man” theme? Yes, Jose knows you’re a classically trained musician and you studied at Julliard, but this is Jose’s dime and you’ll play what you’re told.

Let Manny be Manny,Though he’s kind of uncanny,Cause he’s still a Red Sox man. (Toot, toot)
Yeah…that’s the stuff.

(Note: Come on. You know that “I am what I am bit was written about Manny. It has to have been.)

Apparently, the Red Sox made several efforts over the weekend to trade star slugger Man-E-Faces Ramirez prior to the trading deadline. Really. Yes, yes, Jose knows it sounds crazy, what with them being in first place and all, but it actually happened.

Jose had no idea, of course, as he tends not to read the sports page, just foolish men distracting themselves with vulgar games to Jose’s mind. But then, while reading the op-ed section of the Boston Globe today, Jose noticed a piece by noted conspiracy theorist Joan Vennochi sandwiched in between the latest picayune jape by Thomas Oliphant and James Carroll’s latest highly literate condemnation of God knows what.

Now, Vennochi has been known to be a little out there, so Jose checked carefully with some of his inside sources, and it turns out it’s true. The Red Sox really did try to trade the modern day Jimmie Foxx.

Even considering trading Manny and prospects for Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron is a sign of madness. And now that management has acquired light fielding outfielder Jose Cruz Jr., Jose is worried that things could get much worse.

Jose is deeply concerned that Cruz may go on one of those anti-psychiatry rants that his brother Tom has been on lately, and convince Theo and the Magi not to take the meds they so desperately need to escape delusions like the hallucination that the proposed deal was even remotely acceptable. If that happens, who knows what they might do next. They could even do something as irrational as leaving Roberto Petagine in Pawtucket until September call ups.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

7/30/05 – Sons of Sam Horn Bash Edition

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Cut the music—

Jose is a reasonable man. He has an above average IQ. He suffers from no mental illnesses. He has not endured any recent head trauma. So he knows that it is simply not possible that the Red Sox are actually considering trading Man-E-Faces Ramirez AND PROSPECTS for Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron in a three way deal. (Note: Normally, Jose supports three ways on principle, but this he cannot abide.) He knows this can’t possibly be happening because in order for the Red Sox to actually make this deal, they would have to have reached the conclusion that the consequences of having Manny out of the line up for one game are so grave, so deleterious that the only solution is to get is bat out of the line up for every game henceforth. And that’s just plain silly. In other news from the Two Minutes Hate, the Red Sox have decided to treat Trot Nixon’s strained oblique with leeches and announced that Oceania is at war with Eurasia and always has been.

As Jose left last night’s game (note: with a 7-1 record), he heard a yokel on his cell phone exclaim that Manny had been traded to the Mets. Jose’s heart sank, and his bile rose along with his blood pressure. If Jose’s friend Tom had not learned right then with his new fangled Internet phone that the deal had not been completed, it is quite possible that Jose would have had an aneurysm right then and there and spent the rest of his life wearing a batting helmet while writing KEYS… you know just to make sure he doesn’t get hit by any screaming line drives while he is working.

Look, Jose knows that Manny can be frustrating , but at the end of the day he produces, and as long as he is putting up numbers and not preventing anyone else from putting up numbers, the Red Sox are better, a lot better with him than without him. But Jose should be fair, maybe we should take a serious look at what we would be getting in return in this deal? Let’s see, Cameron is batting .264 with 10 home runs and 32 RBI. Huff is batting .270 with 13 home runs and 63 RBI, so combined that gives them a batting average under .270, 23 home runs and 95 RBI in comparison with Manny’s .273 with 28 homers and 92 RBI. So maybe Jose was completely wrong about this deal. As long as the Red Sox have some mad scientists who can splice Cameron and Huff into one player who equals the sum of his parts, this deal is absolutely fair… IF YOU DON’T THROW IN ANY PROSPECTS!!!!!!!!!! But if the Red Sox do not have such technology, or if they do and it violates all standards of bioethics and human decency, we have to accept that the difference in talent between Manny Ramirez and the tandem of Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron is so huge that as a practical matter we might as well be trading for Charlie Hough and Kirk Cameron. (Note: Though Jose is talking about Kirk Cameron when he was in Growing Pains at the top of his game, not the dried up has been of Kirk and Company or whatever the heck it was called.)

In the final analysis, this trade is so lopsided, so manifestly bad for this year’s Red Sox that Jose half expects to hear that the Mets have agreed to throw in Center Andrew Lang to sweeten their offer.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

7/29/05 – Newsflash: Manny Plays

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Before everyone gets all bent of shape about the story that Manny Ramirez has asked for a trade (note: oops, too late) can we at least consider the possibility that this is not what it sounds like?

Maybe Manny didn’t actually request a trade to another team. Did you ever think about that jerks? Maybe he was simply requesting that Theo trade him a 1984 Lou Whitaker Topps baseball card for a 1991 Bobby Thigpen card. (Note: Or maybe Jose made that trade, it gets confusing.) Maybe, he thought he was calling his broker and demanding that he make some trades rather than keeping his portfolio static? Maybe, he was expressing his support from the Central American Free Trade agreement. See, we don’t really know.

Sure, we could believe the simplest possibility, that he wanted a trade to another team, but doesn’t that seem like we’re not giving Manny enough credit for being the nuanced, complicated man of the world that he is?

And another thing, what’s the deal with all of the demands that the Red Sox stop letting “Manny just be Manny?” In all of the columns voicing this opinion, Jose has not read a single suggestion of who the Red Sox should be pushing Manny to be if not himself. Should he be Mike Greenwell, Tory O’Leary, Bob Zupcic or any of the other bad to mediocre players who played left after the departure of Jim Rice? Is that what people really want? Should he be Alfonso Soriano? Cliff Floyd? Mike Cameron? Any of the other inferior players we could get for him?

Wasn’t Manny just being Manny when he hit the key home run off Barry Zito in Game 5 of the 2003 division series? Wasn’t he just being Manny when he won the World Series MVP?
Actually, he reminds Jose a lot of another Manny – Man-E-Faces, who, as best Jose can recall, was a He-Man character. The deal with Man-E-Faces was that he had three faces each representing a different aspect of his identity. There was the human face that was kind and good and decent, a monster face that was evil and cruel, and a robot face that was mechanical, cold and neutral. To get all of the good things that came with the human face, He-Man and pals needed to put up with the fact that he occasionally became a rampaging monster or a so-so robot. And you know what? They did. They did because it was worth it.

Yes Man-E-Faces Ramirez has multiple faces. Sometimes he’s the fearsome slugger we love, some times he’s the disgruntled, aloof diva we hate and sometimes he’s the clod in the outfield we both love and hate. But does the good outweigh the bad and the neutral? Jose thinks so. So before everyone runs Ramirez out of town, think about those faces, and then think if you really want him working for Skeletor.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

7/27/05 – Respect Manny’s Right to Privacy Don’t Read This

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. It was a rough day for Antipope Clement XV. Not only did he take a line drive off the side of the head, but Jose learned that he is not even the first Antipope Clement XV. Apparently, in 1963 an excommunicated French Canadian named Michel Colin named himself Pope Clement XV in protest of Vatican II. (Note: Or did he name himself Pope in protest of Big Audio Dynamite 2, it gets a little murky.) Since he had been excommunicated, he was regarded as an antipope, a minor antipope, but an antipope nonetheless. Still, Jose will continue to address Matt Clement as Antipope Clement XV rather than increasing him to Antipope Clement XVI. He had a hard day, and he doesn’t need any more stress.

While the accident looked terrible, and must have felt terrible, Jose is very happy to hear that the damage does not, thus far, appear to be serious. Jose had a feeling it wasn’t as bad as it could have been as soon as he noticed that no one tapped Clement with a mallet to determine whether he was alive or not and certainly no one smashed his papal ring.

With that out of the way, we can now focus on the fact that Clement has received no credit for stopping the ball. Sure it went in to left field, but he did a great job of making contact with it. Why is it that what would be called a terrific header in soccer, a vicious headbutt in wrestling or an illegal headbutt in boxing is regarded in baseball as a terrible accident? Sure the ball is traveling 110 mph and can pulverize bone, but that shouldn’t change anything. Jose congratulates Matt Clement on his brilliant header, and hopes that he gets well soon. Also, Jose suggests that next time you try a bicycle kick; it looks cooler and hurts less.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

7/26/05 - Antipope Clement XV vs. Guy Hoping to Record One Out

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Here’s an interesting factoid on tonight’s Red Sox starter. Did you know that he was the founder of the Macedonian Orthodox Church? It’s true, Jose just looked it up and it turns out that St. Clement is the guy. Jose will confess that he is a little bit confused, as Clement was, as best he knew a pretender to the papacy, you know Antipope Clement XV and all, and all that, and thus a Catholic or at least a Catholic heretic, rather than Orthodox Christian. But thankfully Jose has a solution to this seemingly irreconcilable paradox – it’s religion, it doesn’t have to make sense!!!

Jose’s biggest regret from his trip to the Balkans is that he did not have a chance to visit the monastery of St. Clement in Plaoshnik. He would have liked to have lit a candle, laid a baseball at his tomb, done something.

But what implications does this revelation have for tonight’s game? Well, first of all, it turns out that Clement was born sometime between 830 and 839 AD, meaning that he is a little bit older than the Red Sox realized when they inked him to a multiyear deal. This certainly explains his history of scuffling in the second half of the season, so look for Sox manager Terry Eurona to keep him on a short leash tonight. Another major issue is that the Serbian Orthodox church does not recognize the Macedonian Orthodox Church as being autocephalous, insisting instead that it falls under the Serbian church’s authority. So Jose is concerned that when Clement pitches tonight he may have Patriarch Pavle on the brain.

On the upside, the letter K is the same in both the Latin and Cyrillic alphabets, so if one hangs K cards at the game tonight, Clement will still understand what you mean. And even better, the letter B is different so he will have no idea what BB stands for. (Note: In Cyrillic it’s ББ.)

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

7/25/05 – Wells vs. Waechter

2. Jose is excited about the Red Sox signing of reliever Craig Hansen out of St. John’s University. Not only is it possible that he could pitch in the majors as soon as this August, but it is also possible, or maybe even probable that he could perform his hit single “Mmmbop” with fellow Sox musician Balki Arroyo during the seventh inning stretch some balmy August evening.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

7/21/05 – Sox vs. Bizarro Sox

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. As we creep towards the trade deadline, a rumor has emerged that the Red Sox are working on a major three way deal with Minnesota and Florida.

The proposed deal would send Umlaut Mueller and Kevin Millar to Minnesota for J.C. Romero and Joe Mays. Mays would then be shipped along with Balki Arroyo to the Florida Marlins for pitcher A.J. Burnett and, god forbid, Mike Lowell. Let’s break down the possible consequences of this trade.

• A major shift from scripted programming to reality television. By dumping the loveable Balki from “Perfect Strangers” and replacing him with Burnett, the guy who created Survivor (note: or stole it from European television, both are good) the Red Sox are finally casting their lot with reality TV, albeit five years too late. This one has T.V. Tom Werner’s fingerprints all over it.
• Destabilizing the Merrimack Valley. Do you really think that you can acquire Mike Lowell and not Brian Lawrence without repercussions? Not bloody likely.

• Trot Nixon will need a new number. Why, because the Red Sox must, absolutely must give J.C. Romero the number 7 once worn by Ed Romero or all of Ed’s fans won’t be able to bring their old replica jerseys out of the mothballs. Sorry Trot, this has to happen.

For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php


• Improved performance for Wade Miller. With Wade Miller free from the constant distraction of having to explain that he’s the one with no umlaut and no “a” in his name, he will be able to fully concentrate on actually pitching… and maybe even in the first inning.

• Decrease in the price of gas. With Kevin Youkilis becoming a permanent member of the big league club the decrease in trips between Boston and Pawtucket should put a major dent in the demand for gasoline, thereby lowering prices.

7/20/05 - Tony Graffanino debut spectacular

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez drew some heat yesterday for disappearing into the left field wall of Fenway Park on Monday night and missing the better part of a pitch as a result. When asked yesterday why he had gone into the wall, Ramirez defied the conventional wisdom, that he had gone in to cool down with the help of a mist sprayer, by stating that he entered the wall in order to urinate in a cup.

Assuming that this is true, and why wouldn’t it be, Jose would like to take this opportunity to publicly condemn Major League Baseball. Jose is all in favor of random, unannounced steroid tests, but having them in the middle of the game? That just seems extreme, unnecessary and more than a little bit silly.

For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php

7/19/05 -- Balki vs. Fossum

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. On his recent trip through the Balkans, Jose, never much of a linguist, only managed to pick up only a few words of Albanian. He learned that “po” means “yes” and that “yo” means “no.” (Note: Do Albanians think that Rocky ended with Balboa rejecting dumping his wife with the phrase “Yo, Adrian?” What about Yo MTV Raps? Did they think it was a show protesting the evils of rap music?) The only other words he learned were “Katastrophe,” “catastrophe” in English, which is quite useful in describing the Sox recent performance, and “boston” which means “watermelon.”

Boston does not mean watermelon in all Albanian dialects, just in the Kosovo dialect. Apparently, it also means watermelon in Serbo-Croatian. The term is said to originate from Turkish. Jose found this discovery a bit ironic, as this year’s Boston baseball club has born an uncanny resemblance to the juicy red melon. Much like a watermelon, the Boston Red Sox look from the outside quite substantial, but when one really presses the contents, one discovers that much of the substance of the team, much of what looked so solid, disappears and all that remains is a pulpy red mess.

Jose assume that if Boston is a word for a fruit in Kosovo Albanian, our other rivals’ city names must also mean some sort of fruit. Jose hasn’t looked it up or anything, but he has a few guesses.
New York, Jose presumes, is Albanian for pomegranate, and like the pomegranate, the New York club is excessively expensive, decadent, mostly made from useless material (note: seeds, Jason Giambi, same thing) and when one looks inside, deeply divided.

Baltimore is Albanian for coconut. At first it doesn’t look like it’s going to be any good, but then you crack it open, sample it and discover that it’s a lot better than you expected. Then it gives you the trots, and you realize that maybe it wasn’t so good after all.

Toronto is Albanian for star fruit. Every time you see it, it looks intriguing and even though it was bad the last time you tried it, you think maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time it will be good. It is not, and neither are the Blue Jays.

Tampa Bay is Albanian for moldy, rotten, foul smelling oranges. They look bad, they smell bad and they only get worse with time.

Yes, Jose knows that comparing American League East teams to fruit is absurd, pointless and frustrating, but so is talking about the Red Sox, so fruit it is.

For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com

7/18/05 – Jose returns from DL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. After an unprecedented 20 days on the disabled list, Jose returns to action today. He rejoins a Red Sox team that has lost five out of six against division rivals and badly needs his assistance. But will he be the same Jose as before his injury? The early results are discouraging.

While Jose professes to feel better than ever, he has not looked sharp in side sessions or simulated games thus far. His grammar has been a little shaky, his quips lackluster and his spelling, never one of his strong suits, has been abysmal. Since he has not yet looked like his old self, there has been some discussion that management, rather than asking Jose to write full KEYS, will have him write relief KEYS for a while, in other words, letting someone else write the first KEY or two and then coming in to write the third KEY if the game looks close coming down the stretch. There are even some rumors that Jose was the first to suggest this approach.
While Jose has offered to do anything that will help the team, some Red Sox have suggested that the idea is foolish at best.

When asked to comment on the situation (note: or even when not asked to comment on the situation) centerfielder Johnny Damon said, “You’ve got a lot of upset people in here. I don’t think he’s ready to be our closer. I think SoSHers like kevlog or Nuf Ced are the choice as the closer. I mean, not only does Jose not have long luxurious hair like me, he’s also not even really Mexican. By the way, did I mention that I love seeing my name in the paper. Not that I can read or anything, but I just like people telling me it’s there.”

Added first baseman Kevin Millar, “If you try to take my starting job away from me, I’ll cut you.”

Also at issue, is Jose’s rehabilitation routine. Rather than go to team physicians, Jose is rumored to have sought care in the Balkans, undertaking a course of treatment that was said to include drinking no fewer that 15 tiny cups of macchiato every day, while fending off questions as to why he did not know that former Albanian Prime Minister Fan Noli is buried in Boston.

Jose would like to address these rumors directly. Yes, he was in the Balkans, but not for himself, for the good of the team. How is it for the good of the team? Well, if studying strategies for bringing a lasting peace to one of the world’s most unstable regions isn’t important to the Red Sox, Jose doesn’t know what is. Do you really think the Red Sox can be successful without successful final status negotiations in Kosovo, a complete implementation of the Ohrid Framework agreement in Macedonia and a dramatic decrease in corruption in Albania? Let us not forget that Ted Williams missed what would have been some of his best seasons fighting in World War II, which was a direct consequence of World War I which started in, you guessed it, the Balkans. So unless you want John Papelbon to end up in the U.S. Air Force right when he’s coming into his prime, cut Jose some slack.

For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php?p=422

6/28/05 – SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.

Just like his idol Pedro Martinez, Jose is preparing to take a midsummer’s trip to the 15-day DL. Is he hurt? Is he on vacation? Who knows? Is he leaving his team in the lurch? Nope. In order to ensure that there is at least the possibility of KEYS during Jose’s DL stint, Jose has created the SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME, or as he prefers to call it “A gimmick that in no way infringes on Madlibs’ trademark.

Here’s how it works. Jose is posting a set of generic “skeleton” KEYS below that should be more or less valid for any game. Each game day, another of Jose’s readers can fill in the [BRACKETED WORDS]. If you’re a SoSHer post it in the game thread, if not post it as a comment in http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com (note: the wallballsingle.com link is down for some reason, but it should be up again soon) or email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com, and Jose will post it himself when he returns. Or don’t… whatever. Like Jose cares.
So here it goes.

It’s time for [OBSCURE RED SOX PLAYER]’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, last night’s game was [ADJECTIVE]. Sure, the Sox [OUTCOME OF GAME], but what [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] really wants to talk about is the performance of [CURRENT RED SOX PLAYER]. He is [BASEBALL ACTIVITY] unbelievably [ADVERB] right now. How [SAME ADVERB] is he playing? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] hasn’t seen a professional athlete perform like this since [PRO WRESLTER] in [YEAR].

The question is, why is he playing so [SAME ADVERB]? Was he bitten by a radioactive and/or genetically modified [ANIMAL OR CARNIVOROUS PLANT]? Is it possible he was struck by a [NOUN]? Or should we apply Occam’s [TOILERTY] and assume that he is simply a very [ADJECTIVE] baseball player.

Whatever the reason, [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would like to make a prediction. If [SAME CURRENT SOX PLAYER] keeps playing like this, Terry Eurona will have to [VERB] him or he will be the [ADJECTIVE] Red Sox manager since [PREVIOUS SOX MANAGER].

2. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] knows that this space is dedicated to following the Red Sox, not the Yankees, but they are such [PLURAL NOUN] that sometimes he can’t help but [VERB] about them. Today [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] feels compelled to [VERB] [NAME OF YANKEE, PLAYER, COACH, OWNER OR EMPLOYEE].

Let [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] be [ADJECTIVE], that guy’s a [NOUN]. How big of a [SAME NOUN] is he? Well, let’s put it this way, if he was a super villain he would be [SUPER VILLAIN], but without the [NOUN]. Not only does he make like [NUMBER] [CURRENCY] per year, his [STATISTICAL CATEGORY] numbers are lousy. He’s only at [NUMBER] this year. Big deal.

How much does he [ADJECTIVE]? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would rather have [CRAPPY RED SOX INFIELDER FROM HISTORY] than this guy, and [SAME INFIELDER] be lucky to have [NUMBER] [STASTICAL CATEGORY] if everything went right for him.

3. And on a final note, congratulations to [RED SOX PLAYER, COACH, EMPLOYEE OR OWNER] on his [BASEBALL ACCOMPLISHMENT OR LIFE EVENT] yesterday. There are a lot of [ADJECTIVE] people in baseball, so it’s nice to see one of the [ADJECTIVE] guys get what’s coming to him. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] only wishes that the [ADJECTIVE] reporters in this town would stop being such [PLURAL NOUN] and give this sort of thing the coverage that it so [ADVERB] deserves.

I’m [FULL NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] and those are me KEYS TO THE GAME.
So that should give you something to tide you over while Jose is drinking cold beer and… err.. undergoing intensive physical therapy and rehab.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.

For complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com

6/27/05 – Balki vs. Millwood

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Wow. The Sox went 6-0 on the road trip. That’s really good. In fact, it’s their best road trip since they had a 9-0 west coast swing in 1977. How good were the Sox on the road last week? Well, let’s put it this way; the city of Lowell is reportedly planning on building a tribute to this road trip right next to the statue of Jack Kerouac.

For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com

6/24/05 – Sox visit Royal Bank of Scotland Ballpark

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Two years ago, the Red Sox made their last visit to Philadelphia and Grady Little made the decision that should have ended his managerial career. In the late innings of a game wherein the Red Sox blew three saves, the bumbling manager waited until after lefty slugger Jim Thome had hit a game tying homer to bring in lefty reliever Alan Embree even though Embree was already warm when Thome came to the plate. You know the details, so Jose will not bother to review them, unless of course, you blocked it out, in which case Jose will not do you the disservice of reminding you. Suffice it to say, the Philly Phanatic came off looking thoughtful and dignified in comparison with Grady that day.

Red Sox principal owner John W. Henry was rumored to be so upset with Grady’s non-move that he wanted to fire him on the spot. His co-owners and general manager thought better of it, however, and talked him out of making such a rash decision. Whoops. So instead of Little’s career being ended by a foolish decision in Philadelphia, it was ended by an even more foolish decision in New York three months later.

And now, as the Red Sox return to Philadelphia with a World Championship under their belt, Jose wonders what, if anything, current Sox manager Terry Eurona could do this weekend that might match Grady’s mistake two years ago and raise such ire in John W. Henry.

• Let Jason Shiell pitch to Thome just like Grady did. If Jason Shiell was on the roster maybe this wouldn’t be such a big deal. But for Tito to let Shiell pitch to Thome, he would have to acquire Shiell by usurping the power of GM Theo Epstein. Launching a coup seems like it might be grounds for dismissal.

• Bring Alan Embree to pitch to Jim Thome. What a difference two years makes. Okay, maybe doing this wouldn’t make Henry want to fire Tito, but Jose can assure you that at no point in this series will he be screaming “bring in Embree” like he did two years ago.

• Urinate on the Liberty Bell. That’s about as offensive and senseless as Grady’s moves two years ago. Of course, as a championship manager, Tito could probably get away with it.
Hmm… maybe there’s nothing Tito could do that would be as bad. Still, one does have to imagine he’ll be put to the test this weekend. Eurona is not a beloved figure in Philadelphia where he managed for four unsuccessful seasons. According to the Boston Globe, he had to park in different places every day out of fear for his safety, and when he returned as a scout, he had a security detail attached to him.

Jose imagines that the fact that he is now a World Series champion will only serve to further antagonize the Philadelphia hooligans. But Jose thinks that rather than ignoring it Tito should embrace it. When he is introduced tonight and the boos rain down, he should take a page from the late wrestling legend “Ravishing” Rick Rude and say “What I’d like right now is for all of you fat, ugly Philadelphia farm animals to keep the noise down while I put on my championship ring so the ladies can see what a real manager looks like.

They’re going to hate him either way, so he might as well get some shots in.

For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com

6/21/05 – Balki vs. Millwood

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Boston Herald beat writer Jeff Horrigan characterized Sox starter David Wells as putting in “five workman like innings” last night. Since he defined four runs over five innings on what felt like 170 pitches as “workmanlike,” Jose suspects that every borderline incompetent, crooked, or just plain sloppy contractor in greater Boston will be calling Horrigan today to offer great rates on home repairs.

Hi, Mr. Horrigan? My name John Smith. I’m a general contractor, and I’d
like to do some work on your home. What can I do for you? Well, what do you
need? I can have some nice new recessed lighting installed for you. Now, I can’t
promise that the lights are going to work most of the time, but I’m almost
certain that you won’t get electrocuted.

Flooring? Well, I’ll tell you what, a lot of people will tell you that
hardwood flooring is the way to go, but me, I think balsa wood is a more
efficient alternative. After all, the purpose is to cover up the dirt or
concrete or what have you, and balsa will do that just as well as any maple or
oak, plus you can make model airplanes out of your floor if you get bored.

And you want a gas hook up? Sure I can do that for you. But let me tell
you a little secret. Yes, you’re going to smell a little bit of gas, but as long
as you keep the windows open at all times, it’s no problem. Sounds great,
doesn’t it?

And I’m willing to give you a special price. I’ll do this work for you for only $4 million per year for each of the next two years… plus incentives. What kind of incentives? Well, I can get up to an additional $5 million per year, depending on how often I show up to work on the house. How’s that sound to you? Do we have a deal? We do? That’s terrific… I’ll be over next week and will start putting in a workmanlike effort every fifth day.

For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com

6/20/05 – Sox vs. The Cleveland South Asians

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. When the Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years last October, countless commentators, pundits and drunks form around the country speculated that baseball would be ruined for Red Sox fans. They prognosticated that the chase, as long and frustrating as it was, would prove far more enjoyable than the actual catch. They were idiots of course, winning is fantastic. It’s better than fantastic, it’s transcendent. Since Foulke tossed the ball to Mientkiewiecz, every day has been a holiday.

Sure there is pleasure to be found in pursuit, and being unfulfilled drives men to devotion, to action and accomplishment, but did we as human beings, not as Red Sox fans, truly need to have the pursuit of an elusive championship as the motivating force in our lives? No, of course not. Each and every member of Red Sox nation has his own disappointments, his own failures that drive him, that haunt him; he doesn’t need 25 strangers to provide him with existential angst.
With his goal of seeing a Red Sox championship met, Jose has been able to focus on the other great unfulfilled goal in his life. When Jose was in kindergarten many moons ago, he was one of the two hot shot readers in his class. The fame, the notoriety… it was brilliant. Jose and his friend Mark both plowed trough the 53 volumes of the “I See Sam” series of readers. (Note: These were either about the adventures of a friendly lion and his animal friends or the adventures of Sammy Sosa and his animal friends, Jose can’t remember which.) Jose and Mark then moved on to the “Monster Books,” a series of readers for superstars that told the story of a little boy and his friend, a big purple monster. Jose flew though the books and found himself with two weeks left in the school year, and one book to go, “Monster Meets Lady Monster.” Then things fell apart. Some punk kid in the other kindergarten class had “Monster Meets Lady Monster” at home, and had not brought it back.

Each day Jose and Mark would go into school and ask “Is Monster Meets Lady Monster In? Is it? Is it?” But the answer was always no. Well, it was always no until the penultimate day of the school year, when the book made its triumphant return. Bu there was a problem, as any story demands. Only one of us could take it home. The tiebreaker, and the book went to Mark, as he was on his second year of kindergarten. So Jose went home bookless, dejected, shattered, wondering if his day would ever come. His impossible dream season had ended one book short of his goal.

Jose went back to the same elementary school the next year, but he couldn’t stand to go ask if he could read “Monster Meets Lady Monster.” It wouldn’t have been the same. He would have felt the same way the Yankees felt winning the 2005 season opener over the Red Sox after bowing in seven games in the ALCS the year before – sort of happy, but ultimately even more aware of the previous year’s failures.

As the years drifted on, Jose tried to put the little paperback book out of his mind and focus on bigger books like Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George and the Brothers Karamazov, but the fact that he had fallen one book short continued to gnaw at him.

The book continued to haunt Jose, keeping him from being the truly great reader he could have been. He never had a single year where he read every book assigned to him, not in middle school, not in high school, not even at Boston University. Some reporters even began speculating that perhaps there was a “Curse of ‘Monster Meets Lady Monster.’” They asked publicly if the big purple monster wasn’t haunting Jose. Jose knew there was no curse, there was no evidence of a curse, but the questions were like a tick burrowing under Jose’s skin and into his psyche.
Jose’s mother asked the school if they still had the book when he graduated from high school, she thought it would be a nice surprise, but the school said they had stopped using those books in 1984 or so. No luck.

Then when the Internet took off, Jose thought that perhaps it could bring him the elusive book. The Internet confirmed that the book existed, that it wasn’t some phantasm that materialized from his addled mind, but it offered no copies. Finally, last week, Jose discovered a copy at a used book store for $4.50 on amazon.com. Jose placed his order immediately.

Jose tried to contain his excitement. He had been down this road before, where victory, which seemed certain in one moment, vanished into the ether in the next. The box arrived. The tension was immense. Jose dropped to his knees as if in prayer, folded his hands, crossed his fingers and began to open the box. As it turned out, it is extremely hard to open a well-taped box while one’s fingers are crossed and hands are folded, so Jose got a knife. He carefully cut the scotch tape, peeled back the paper and stared down on a genuine copy of “Monster Meets Lady Monster” written by Ellen Blance and Ann Cook and illustrated by Quentin Blake in 1973.
Jose sat down with the Melendezette, and he read the book aloud to her, just as he would have read it 23 years before if not for the greed and/or sloth of that kid in the other class. It was euphoric. Charlie Brown finally kicked the football, Don Quixote had fought actual giants, Jose Melendez had completed a series of kindergarten readers!!!

But that was two days ago. It is in the past, which as St. Augustine reminds us, does not exist, it only used to exist. What now, Jose asks himself? What now? Reading doesn’t feel the same anymore. For 23 years, Jose had remained literate for no reason other than being able to read “Monster Meets Lady Monster” should the opportunity ever arise. Now that he’s done it, what’s the point? Why should he bother reading now? What does it even matter if he’s literate. It’s not like reading is any fun any more, or that he can learn anything from it. Now that the goal is accomplished ,the process, the tools that it took to accomplish that goal, are moot.

So now Jose is stuck. He is illiterate since he read “Monster Meets Lady Monster,” and he hates watching baseball since the Red Sox won the World Series. What else is there to do? Perhaps he can fixate on the fact that he got cut from little league in 1987 and try to make an American Legion baseball team. But why bother? Even if he succeeds he’ll probably just lose interest in playing baseball and lose his ability to hit. Of course, if he lost all ability to hit, that would leave him pretty much where he is now, so no biggie.

For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com

6/17/05 – The Pirates’ 102 year Boston Boycott ends

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

In some ways this is a tough time of year for Jose. Yes, work is slowing down, the weather is warming up and there’s baseball every night, by all reckoning this should be the best time of year, but it isn’t… not for Jose. As the sweet pollen of summer fills the air, as the choking haze overwhelms the ocean breezes, Jose’s sinuses fill with fluid, his throat constricts and breathing becomes a laborious chore. Every day the simple act of inhaling grows more and more difficult. And with each breath Jose gasps for the little air that will sustain him. Actually, Jose in June bares remarkably similarities to the June 2005 edition of the New York Yankees, with the gasping, the struggling, and the just hoping to hang on. Heck, Jose even uses steroids to treat his allergies.

But Jose knows that in time the struggles will cease, that the air will clear and things will resolve themselves. The Yankees do not know this. They cannot wait. If George Steinbrenner had hay fever the last thing that would occur to him would be that it might just go away, or that it could be resolved with a mild course of medication. No, in Geroge’s world hay fever would require radical steps. First he’d yell at it. “I paid good money for this body,” he’d scream. “And I don’t expect it to react to particles of nothing in the air like it’s a genuine threat.” After yelling failed, he’d remove the offending organ, Steinbrenner would chop his nose clean off, in the mistaken notion that removing the symptom will solve the problem. Finally, he would get desperate; he’d panic and make a trade. He’d go directly to the medical encyclopedia and decide that his best option was to trade hay fever for colon cancer. Yes every action would make the problem worse.

And this is where the Yankees are now readying themselves for a dizzying course of ill advised quackery. By the end of the season, Jose fully expects to see A-Rod and Jeter walking around with leeches attached to their skin.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/15/05 -- 1975 World SEries Game 10

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. An open letter to Bill Simmons, a.k.a. ESPN.com’s “The Sports Guy.”

Dear Bill,

“I’m Bill Simmons and this is my column.” June 13, 2005, 2:34 p.m. ET

Hmmm... That sounds familiar. Familiar like a Joe Biden term paper. But maybe not dishonest. That can’t have been an accident, can it?

No, you were sending Jose Melendez a message or an enticement. It’s like waving the red flag in front of the proverbial bull, the doughnut in front of the proverbial David Wells or the dollar bill in front of the proverbial Roger Clemens. You used Jose’s meter, his material, his style to get Jose’s attention, to get him to charge at you with his full weight behind him.

But why? Why call Jose out? Why try to show him up in front of the tens, if not dozens of people who would actually understand the message you were trying to send? Was it a taunt? An homage?

The possibility that you are mocking Jose haunts him. You’ve been like a father to Jose, a father he’s never met, spoken with or seen and who would have been like eight years old when Jose was born, but a father nonetheless, and after 28 years of ignoring Jose, this is how you chose to contact him? It’s like you’re Greg Minor. (Note: You have the national audience, you make the Shawn Kemp jokes, Jose is local and will stick obscure Celtics, thank you very much. Besides, Jose has a Greg Minor autograph somewhere and God knows, Minor’s play on the court didn’t make it valuable, so Jose needs to talk him up.)

For so long Jose’s dreamed you would contact him. You know, show up at his office begging for gambling money or a quick fix from the Dunkin’ Donuts next door, but it never happened. Jose even wrote you once or twice, suggesting gags. You remember, don’t you? Jose wrote you suggesting that if Johnny had hit Daniel San with that kick during the skeleton/ Halloween scene, the kick that shattered that sign, he would have killed Daniel and the movie would have been called “The Murder Trial of Johnny Lawrence” rather than “Karate Kid.” Jose knew he couldn’t use it, Karate Kid jokes are your thing, so he sent it to you as a gift, as a sign of respect. But you never answered, and Jose let you drift from his mind... the pain of being ignored was too great.

Just two weeks ago, Jose thought about trying to contact you again. Jose bought 11 unopened packs of Rocky IV trading cards in Rhode Island, and he was going to send you one, because he knows you’d like it. But now? Now Jose is thinking about buying unopened Rocky V trading cards to send you, that’s how agitated he is.

Are we enemies now? Is this like Bruno Sanmartino and Larry Zybysko? (Note: Apparently, Zybysko’s real name is Lawrence Whistler… that’s right, he changed his name to Larry Zybysko.) Will Jose be forced to betray you now and spend the next 30 years referring to himself as “The Living Legend Jose Melendez?” (Note: Okay no one calls you “living legend” so would probably steal your epithet and walk around referring to himself as “ESPN Page 2’s” Jose Melendez for the next 30 years.)

So what is it? What are you trying to say? Is Timmy trapped in a well? Are the aliens monitoring your columns? Are you jealous that ESPN Page 2’s Eric (K)neel had a blurb on the back of the KEYS Book? (Note: Now available in one different language!) Jose and maybe three people on Sons of Sam Horn are dying to know.

Your pal (note: or possibly enemy, let’s see how this plays out),

Jose Melendez

For the full KEYS visit http://www.wallballsingle.com/

6/14/05 – 1975 World Series Game 9

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. In the eight inning of last night’s game, (note: at which Jose improved to 4-0) the Mo Vaughn Jumbotron announced that Jason Varitek’s wife Karen gave birth to a baby girl who they named Caroline, ostensibly after the Neil Diamond/Fenway Park classic Sweet Caroline. At least, Jose hopes that’s the reason. The other possibility is that their favorite sitcom was Caroline in the City, and that’s just too horrible to contemplate.

But all in all, this name is a good choice when one thinks of all of the other Fenway Park anthems that they could have named their daughter after. It beats the heck out of Boom Boom Boom (let me hear you say way-ooh) Varitek, Dirty Water Varitek and most especially Tessie Varitek.
So congratulations to the Variteks both on the birth of their daughter and on their shrewd naming skills.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/13/05 – 1975 World Series Game 8

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Sunscreen is a lot like starting pitching --by the time you know that it isn’t working, it’s already way too late.

When Jose went to Horseneck Beach on Sunday, he thought he was covered. He coated up with Banana Boat SPF 30 spray sun block and got ready to soak up some rays. This was a change for Jose. In the past he had always used cream sun block. He always knew exactly what he was getting with the cream. He knew its upsides, that it could be highly effective at preventing sunburns, especially on the hottest days. But he also knew the downsides, that it was sticky and difficult to spread through chest hair, sometimes resulting in uneven performance, and thus blotchy sunburns.

So Jose made a decision this winter to trade in the cream sun block for the spray. He was all too familiar with the negatives of the cream and from a distance the spray seemed like a better bet. So Jose went into his first beach day of the year with the spray, and everything felt like it was going according to plan. He sprayed when he got to the beach, he resprayed when he got out of the water and his skin remained a pasty white. That is, it remained a pasty white until about an hour after he left the beach when white turned to red more quickly and only modestly less painfully than Russia in 1917. Whoops, too late.

As it turned out, Jose’s new sun screen hadn’t gotten the job done. Under the bright lights, it was flat out ineffective. For the extremely dense among you, allow Jose to spell it out. Pedro and DLowe are cream sun block and this year’s rotation is spray on. Last year’s rotation could be uneven, but it was highly effective when it counted. And this year’s rotation? So far it has been ineffective far too often, and when that has been the case, the Red Sox have gotten burned.

But there the analogy seems to end. When Jose goes back to the beach next week, he will be packing cream sun block. Can he get anything in return for the spray? Probably not, he may just have to swallow the cost of the bottle. But the Red Sox can’t just go back to the cream, Pedro and DLowe are gone, and they aren’t coming back. The question is whether Theo Epstein can find another kind of sun block or whether he is going to have to spend the rest of the year relying on the spray on and getting burned to a crisp.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/10/05 – Red Sox go for Two Straight Over the Cubs

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The Red Sox continue their swing through the National League Central today with the first game of a series against the Chicago Cubs that is completely and utterly without symbolic and historic significance. That’s right this series has no special meaning. None.

Yes, yes the Red Sox beat the Cubs to win the 1918 World Series, but so what? We beat the Pirates to win the 1903 World Series, and when we play them it’s nothing more than a footnote of modest interest. Nor does anyone recount the glory of 1915 when we play the Phillies. The Cubs are just another team with whom the Red Sox share no special relationship whatsoever aside from the fact that they both play in very old and cool stadiums. When push comes to shove the Red Sox are the defending World Champions and the Cubs are a team that believes that they were cursed by a goat. It’s true. Cubs fans (note: or at least Cubs beat writers) now track their failures to livestock rather than the cheapness of the Tribune Company. But it got Jose thinking, if the Cubs were cursed by a farm animal what animal might be responsible for the curse that has held the Yankees championshipless in the 21st century despite spending more than one-half billion dollars? Since the real source of their troubles is George Steinbrenner, Jose would have to say it’s “The Curse of the Jackass.”

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/8/05 -- Wells vs. Carpenter

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, the St. Louis Cardinals are finally showing some life against the Red Sox long after the World Series spotlight has dimmed and the media hordes have drifted off. Why the difference now? Perhaps the World Series logo on the jerseys set their hitters off balance.

Yes, a two game losing streak to a very good team in June is relatively unimportant, but Jose worries that this series is highlighting the difference between this year’s Sox team and last year’s championship edition.

The reason the Red Sox had such an easy time in last year’s World Series was their starting pitching. We had great starters, they had merely good starters. Over the course of the season our rotation was not so much better than theirs, but in the October chill, our great pitchers pitched great and their good pitchers pitched poorly. (Note: Okay even our bad pitchers like DLowe, pitched great).

What troubles Jose is that when he looks at the Red Sox rotation right now, he sees the St. Louis rotation from 2004. Five perfectly good pitchers, any of whom he is happy to have in his rotation, but who among them would you like to have pitch Game 1 of the World Series for you?
Right now the Sox rotation is like playing five card draw and getting dealt a King, a Queen, a Jack a Ten all hearts, and then having a 9 of clubs. Yes, all of those cards are just fine, and any of them could be part of a great hand under the right circumstances, but with those five together, you’ve got a loser. Yes, you can bluff your way along with it for a while, but when the time comes to draw, you need to trade that nine in and pray for the ace of hearts. If you draw that ace of hearts then you have something special, if you draw any heart you’ve got something good and if you pick up any other ace or a ten you have something okay, but be assured, the status quo is not good enough. (Note: Jose knows that poker analogies are cliché, but he would like to take credit for defying fashion by using a five card draw analogy rather than a hold ‘em analogy.)

The question is how do you force the ace? Drawing a healthy Curt Euro is the clearest possibility, but who knows if it is a realistic one. So what are the other options? With Ben Sheets and Johann Santana safely tied up and Roger Clemens an overpriced relic who cannot be relied upon to beat Jeff Suppan in the big games, Jose thinks we are stuck relying on holograms or possibly robots… robots have been good before. (Note: What did you really think you were going to get sound analysis of the market for starting pitchers from KEYS TO THE GAME? If you want sounds analysis, go to the SoSH main board. If you want robots as the answer for pretty much everything, come to the KEYS.)

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/7/05 – World’s Worst Hitter vs. World’s Worst Baserunner

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Yesterday, a friend of Jose’s forwarded an inquiry to him from a discussion board at her office.
Red Sox Dance Figure Symbolism Query (Again)

A little while ago I asked for input from Red Sox fans regarding a folkdance a friend of mine is writing. (It will be set to a tune called"The Reverse the Curse Reel," which a Boston-area fiddler wrote last fall.)

She is looking for a little more help:

"We are almost done devising this thing, and it actually seems to work.However, we're hoping to find a Red Sox or baseball connection for an odd feature we're faced with. The dance ends with parallel reels of 3 on the sides, which flow perfectly from the preceding figure. The women need to end it either awkwardly, as per RSCDS standard, or do a twiddle, which isn't standard but is more fun. We're inclined to go with the twiddle, but would love to justify it with some symbolism.

So, can you (or any of your useful connections) think of a connection for a hook, or a twiddle, or taking a long path, or any other way one could describe doing the extra loop on a reel of 3? Of course, a manager gives a pitcher the hook. Can we work that in? Is it an appropriate way to end the dance?"

[The reel is a figure in which three dancers walk the same figure of eight path simultaneously, starting in different spots. The twiddle is an extra turn or twirl the women have to put in to end in place facing in the right direction.]

Thanks.

Here’s Jose’s take on it… Huh?

As you know, Jose has made a blogging career out of connecting pretty much any human endeavor (note: wrestling, politics, crochet, fly fishing) to Red Sox baseball, but this may be beyond even his formidable powers.

Nevertheless, Jose will give it a try. But before he starts, Jose needs to define the terms here. The posting provides a definition for “twiddle” and “reel,” but not “RSCDS.” Let’s look it up. Hold on for just a moment more… There. It stands for Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. Good thing Jose looked it up; his best guesses were that it stood for either Red Sox Castoff Donnie Sadler or Red Sox Calamity Dale Sveum. Now that we’ve defined our terms let’s dive deep into the symbolism.

Now, since this is a “folk dance” the absolute easiest thing in the world would be to tie it in to closer Keith Foulke, for whom folk dancing is named. If we looked for a symbolic move based on Foulke’s performance this year, it would almost certainly involve the men spinning the women into each other and the whole group ending up in a bruised mess on the ground.

Fortunately, the dance is called the “Reverse of the Curse Reel,” so they’re probably looking for something connected to last year, thereby avoiding the pile of mangled folk dancers that is Keith Foulke’s 2005 season. In fact, last year’s accomplishment is too big to limit to Keith Foulke, as great as he was, so let’s build a dance that will honor the whole squad. Jose set off to actually learn some dance terminology that goes beyond twiddling with the help of www.wallballsingle.com

6/6/05 – Sox look for 5 Straight over St. Louis

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. With yesterday’s Red Sox win, Jose’s 2005 record climbed to an impressive 3-0 prompting whispers about whether he might be a dark horse candidate for the All-Star team and questions as to whether his diminished innings in the early part of the season will prevent the woes that led him to pick up losses in his final five appearances of 2004.
While Jose’s record as a patron has been terrific, his record at the Fenway attendance quiz has been the mirror image, as Jose fell to 0-3 yesterday. Jose used to get attendance quizzes right most of the time, not as often as his friend Joel, who claims to have gotten every quiz he has seen right for 15 years, but still often. Also unlike Joel, Jose is not making things up. But lately, Jose just can’t get the job done. Thankfully, Jose has a simple and logical explanation for his futility – the new Red Sox ownership.
Yes, yes, Henry, Werner and Lucchino have won a World Series, expanded Fenway and improve concessions, but what they have done to the attendance quiz is just unconscionable. Yesterday, the official attendance was 35,008. The other final choice in the attendance quiz was 35,067. That’s a difference of 59. Fifty-Nine!!! That’s less than two-tenths of one percent. Tenths of a percent may mean something for interest rates, or stock prices or whatever the heck John Henry deals in, but they mean nothing in attendance quizzes. Nothing!!! Jose believes in high standards, he opposes the soft bigotry of low expectations, but expecting fans to make a distinction that fine in the attendance quiz is setting them up for failure. It is like asking Sox manager Terry Eurona to pick a utility man from a field consisting entirely of Ramon Vasquez and Cesar Crespo. Yes, there is some infinitesimal difference, and one must be better than the other, but the differences are indistinguishable to the naked eye. Whether one is right or wrong is strictly luck.
So here is what Jose proposes, for the next attendance quiz, the Red Sox should offer the following choices:

A. The actual attendance
B. The number of chicken wings Kevin Millar has eaten in the past year
C. Alan Embree’s ERA
D. Johnny Damon’s batting average out to five decimal places.

All of those should be somewhere between 30,000 and 37,000.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/5/05 – Ohne Umlaut vs. Ohne Chance

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Earlier in the week, Jose sent this very link to a friend of a friend, let’s call her Liz, who works in publishing and had suggested that she might be able to send KEYS on to someone in the company who keeps an eye on blogs as part of a search for literary talent. (Note: Whoops, Jose forgot that when one uses a “let’s call her” one is supposed to make up a name. Nuts.) Then at a barbecue last night Jose got the heartbreaking news. Liz couldn’t understand the KEYS at all. Not the wrestling analogies, not the comic book material and certainly not any of the meager baseball commentary. And it made Jose sad. Not sad because the odds are that his slim chances of being picked up by a mid-major publishing house have dwindled to none. Jose knew that dream was as distant as the Sox winning the Series. (Note: Wait… Crap… Jose might have had a chance.) No, he is sad because of what this revelation says about the state of liberal arts education in America.

This woman went to the same private university as Jose, and yet she came out without even the most rudimentary knowledge of the history of WrestleMania or the differences between the three Green Goblins. Can the curriculum really have changed so much in the two years that separated them? Maybe it’s that Jose was in an interdisciplinary program which combined disciplines like wrestling, television and literature? Sure, she is extremely knowledgeable about literature, Latin and poetry, but can those alone truly compensate for inadequate knowledge about the card at the original SummerSlam? It just speaks to a shocking unevenness in our universities. Jose, hopes, he desperately, desperately, hopes that Boston University’s newly appointed president, Robert Brown takes a serious look at placing more emphasis on baseball, wrestling and comic books in the core curriculum.

But what does all of this have to due with baseball? After all, this is an inaccessible baseball blog, not an inaccessible something else blog. Well, Jose is worried that an improperly balanced education may be endangering the senses of humor of future generations and endangering their ability to come up with suitable bleacher patter. (Note: Did Jose succeed in making a KEY that has nothing to do with baseball about baseball? You make the call!) You know bleacher patter. The ongoing dialogue consisting largely of obscure details that two knowledgeable fans are able to maintain throughout the course of a game with the help of the demon rum. Bleacher patter is completely contingent upon a broad based education.

As Jose’s friend Karl once pointed out upon hearing a fan yell “Hey, ump if you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops,” a good sense of humor (note: and by extension good fandom) is clearly rooted in a classical education. If we do not invest in our young people now, who will be the fans of the future? Who will compare Derek Jeter to Narcissus, or Ellis Burks to Spiderman villain the Lizard? Jose weeps for the future.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/2/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. Founder of UPenn

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose fears that his hearing is now what it used to be. Or is it his listening? Either way.

Jose walked past Fenway last night at about nine o’clock after finishing an excellent meal at Brown Sugar Café (note: perhaps the best restaurant relative to price in Boston) and was strolling back to the North End with three friends, one of whom was in town from Baton Rouge. As we walked by the ballpark a cheer went up. Jose paused for a moment and assessed the cacophony. Then he declared “That was a good sign, those were not the sarcastic cheers of fans whose team is way behind. Those were honest, enthusiastic cheers. The Sox are either way ahead, or the game is close.”

When Jose walked a block further his best hopes were confirmed, the scoreboard showed Kelly Shoppach on the Jumbotron. Surely, his insertion into the game proved that the Sox were way ahead.

Then things started to unravel. Jose started thinking that the Sox were only two hours in to the game, and they couldn’t possibly have inserted Shoppach with Wakefield still in the game. Maybe the Sox weren’t up after all? Maybe it wasn’t even close. Then as Jose walked past the bars of Boylston Street, he saw the silhouette of Sidney Ponson’s portly frame on a dozen television screens.

Jose’s concern became denial. As Jose reached Berkley Street and entered a bar, he got his first glimpse of a scoreboard. Boston 3, Baltimore 0. They are ahead! But not by much. Then reality triumphed over hope. Jose’s eyes focused more sharply and a stream of white pixels formed a violent scratch across the zero next to Baltimore. As the zero became a heartbreaking eight, the cold, unpleasant truth of the moment slapped Jose across the face like A-Rod swatting a first baseman’s mitt.

“Eight” thought Jose! “Eight? Chinese lucky number Jose’s *ss.”

And now Jose does not know what to believe. His ears deceived him; his eyes deceived him. But perhaps, Jose is not losing his senses, perhaps the world was just senseless last night. As Jose read the paper the next day, he learned that they were heartfelt cheers that he heard, that the Sox were making a serious push to win the game. And Kelly Shoppach? Shoppach’s appearance was an odd anomaly, the act of a manager who yielded too soon.

No, it was the world that had gone mad, not Jose.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

6/1/05 – Wakefield vs. Ponson

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Sox manager Terry Eurona removed Johnny Damon from last night’s game after the centerfielder split his head open running into the cold hard steal of the outfield fence. In Jose’s opinion this is an inexcusable managerial failure on Eurona’s part. Yes Damon was bleeding, yes his face was well on its way to becoming the proverbial “crimson mask,” but Damon was prepared to stay in and he should have.

Did King Kong Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan replace him with Big John Studd when Bundy was split open during his cage match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 2? Did the Undertaker’s manager Paul Bearer yank him out of his Hell in a Cell match with Mick Foley when his face was split by iron? No, because both of those men are competitors who wanted to stay in the game, just like Johnny Damon.

There is a reason that baseball and wrestling are the only two sports that use the term “manager” rather than coach. It is because the two sports share a common flow and continuity that other sports lack, and the job of a manager, unlike a coach is to guide his team or wrestler along that flow, like a rafter managing treacherous rapids. A coach cajoles, urges, inspires, but a manager simply manages; he takes the events that come to him and makes adjustments. Eurona has been a very good manager, the best Sox manager of Jose’s lifetime, but last night’s decision was reminiscent of Arnold Skaaland’s decision to throw in the towel when his man, WWF champion Bob Backlund, was locked in the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch. Of course, the Sheik later claimed that he had bribed Skaaland with oriental carpets. So how many carpets did Lee Mazzilli give you last night Tito? How many???

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/31/05 – Miller vs. Cabrera

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. For the second straight year, the Boston Red Sox did their absolute best to ruin Jose’s drive home at the end of Memorial Day weekend with a horrific and boring loss to the Baltimore Orioles. (Note: Jose would like to remind the Red Sox that laying down their bats is not an appropriate tribute to our war heroes.) But never let it be said that Jose doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Much like Dale Sveum… wait… bad example… much like George Steinbrenner… no… that one doesn’t work either. Much like Theo Epstein, Jose will not make the same mistakes a second time.

Mistake number one: Jose went to the Cape last year, thereby forcing him to sit in endless bridge traffic during the game. This year Jose vacationed safely on the mainland side of the bridge… in Quincy. Ha ha!!! No Jose, made it a little further than that, but still well to the West of the Cape Cod Canal.

Mistake number two: Last year, Jose left at game time, resulting in the game playing a decisive role in determining whether the three hour trip would be tolerable. This year, Jose left an hour before game time and arrived at home a mere 15 minutes after first pitch, far before the game got out of hand.

Mistake number three: Last year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence, that Megatron Lowe was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. This year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence that Balki Arroyo was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. As a result…wait… crap… that’s not any different at all.

Apparently, Jose learned nothing. On the plus side, he looks forward to Arroyo duplicating DLowe’s postseason heroics this Fall.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/29/05 – Malign Fatty Tumor vs. It’s Not a Tumor

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, that’s more like it. After dropping four straight games in terrible performances, the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX finally showed some spark yesterday, absolutely dismantling the Yankees 17-1. Shockingly, the absolute best characterization of the days events came in the headline to a Tony Castrati story that read “Pavano no stranger to disastrous routs.” That’s terrific. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. (Note: Jose would like to remind everyone, at this time, that reporters, as they always tell us, do not write the headlines. So Tony Castrati gets no credit. NONE!!!!)

Of course, Castrati concluded the story with the highly scientific observation that the last time Pavano took a pummeling of this sort at the hands of the Red Sox, his team went on to win the World Series, implying that this may well happen again. Jose would like to address this specious reasoning in the style of Lisa Simpson. Tony, Jose has a rock in his pocket that keeps tigers away. How do you know it keeps Tigers away? Jose doesn’t see any Tigers around him and he doesn’t even have an y Sox Tigers tickets for this year. Therefore it must keep Tigers away. It’s exactly the same as your Pavano Principle. So how about it Tony? Five hundred dollars.
But the real story was that the Red Sox yesterday were like Frankenstein’s Monster, remarkably coming to life and in anger and disorientation absolutely trashing the room and everything in their path. Now that the World Champs have been unleashed on an unsuspecting world, we need only hope that the Yankees don’t realize that we’re afraid of fire.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/28/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Pavano

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. After he single handedly killed the Red Sox by getting two runners thrown out at home in the sixth inning last night, it is clear that third base coach Dale Sveum needs to be sent down to work on his fundamentals. But given the level of his performance last night, Jose thinks that Sveum is not performing well enough for Triple A, Double A or even Single A ball. Jose thinks he should be sent down to some pre school to work on playing red light/green light with pre schoolers. Hopefully, that would teach him that there are times when you should go, and times when you should stop. Jose’s fear is that this is what a game of Red Light/Green Light called by Dale Sveum would look like:

SVEUM: Okay kids, ready… Green light……….

(Sound of children running into the wall.)

Actually, we should be happy that he’s a third base coach. Imagine if he was a crossing guard, there would be kids splattered all over the crosswalk. (Note: Yes this is a variation on the famous Sveum, or was in Wendall Kim, as air traffic controller joke, but it still works.)

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/27/05 -- The Charge of the Red Brigade

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. These are desperate times friends, desperate times indeed. Ad in these times of anguish and uncertainty, it is helpful to recall that we Red Sox fans have a glorious past.

So in these dark days, we honor those who came before us, honor their sacrifices, honor their glories. So Jose Melendez is proud to present, in blatant rip off of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, the following poem.

The Charge of the Red Brigade

Two and three, two and three,
Two and three behind,
All in the filth of the Bronx
Strode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Grab for the bats!" he said:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.


"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Was Ramirez dismay'd?Not tho' Francona knewThey fought to survive:Their's not to make reply,Their's not to run and slide,Their's but to hit a fly:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.


Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees in front of themFailed to strive;Storm'd at with bats and balls,Fighting the bad umps’ calls,Into the filth of the Bronx,Hitting the ball off walls,Strode the twenty five.


Boldly they took a swing,Bidding for champion’s ring,Yankees can’t do a thing,Battling an empire, whileTrying to survive:Plunged in electric lightYankees in left and right;A-Rod and JeterReel'd from baseball’s flightThe Red Sox are alive.Then they strode back, for e’re’r “the twenty five.”


Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees behind them Failed to strive;
Swinging deep for the walls,
Pitchers that throw no ballsErasing prior Falls,Came back from three to none,
Earning their curtain calls
All that was left of them,
Was “the twenty five.”


When can their glory fade?O the wild games they played!All the world alive.Honor the way they played,Honor the Red Brigade,Noble twenty five.

5/26/05 - Miller vs. Oh... Who Cares

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose is mailing it in today, and even that seems like way too much effort, as all he has are 34 cent stamps. Seriously, where are the f*cking 3 cent stamps. Why shouldn’t he? If the Red Sox can do it, so can Red Sox bloggers. No, it’s not fair to you the fans, and it’s not right, but that’s how it is.

It’s raining, it’s miserable and the Sox loss last night was boring and gutless. So Jose has only two choices, write an angry rant or go to the post office. It’s just no fun to write KEYS when the Sox are playing like this, and it’s probably even less fun to read them.

One might ask, why, in this situation, Jose bothers to write KEYS at all? Why not take the day off and go sulk in corner or relax with a bottle of scotch?

Why? Because Jose has an obligation to post something… anything… every day he possibly can for his readers, his fans and even his detractors. But does Jose have an obligation to try? In the words of Bart Simpson, Jose “can’t promise he’ll try, but he’ll try to try.” It’s like asking why the Red Sox bothered showing up on a night like last night when it was clear that none of them had even the slightest intention of working. You do it because you have to and then muddle through.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/25/05 -- Balki Returns

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

According to the New York Daily News, Yankees liability Alex Rodriguez has been seeing not one but two and occasionally three psychotherapists. This is a tricky issue for Jose. On the one hand, the mentally ill should not be ridiculed. Jose has seen any number of people he cares about struggle with mental illness, and he understands fully that it is no different than a physical condition. Moreover, Rodriguez’s donation of $200,000 to a mental health program for children is downright admirable. On the other hand, A-Rod, as a rule, should be ridiculed for pretty much anything he does. So, as you can see, this puts Jose in quite the bind.

So here is Jose’s plan. First, Jose offers public congratulations to A-Rod on supporting mental health programs. Congratulations Alex!!! Second, Jose condemns A-Rod for going public with news of his therapy. Jose is all for taking the stigma out of mental illness, but does attaching A-Rod’s name to it really help? Across the country scenes like this are likely unfolding.

Husband: Honey, we need to talk... I’m in therapy to deal with some problems.

Wife: WHAT??? Therapy! What the hell kind of person are you? I used to think therapy was okay, but now that I know A-Rod goes, I think it is only for cheaters, divas and men with strange bluish lips.

See… Jose knows you were trying to do something positive, just like when you slapped Arroyo, but once again your effort will do the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.

And to get in one last cheap shot, Jose doesn’t know specifically what disorder, if any, A-Rod is being treated for, but there are reports that he spent his last off day staring into his reflection in a pond for about 20 hours. You Greek scholars should be able to connect the dots from there.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com.

5/24/05 – It’s Not a Tumor vs. Bush

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose attended a Sons of Sam Horn lunch in the Back Bay yesterday with a few stalwarts from the organization. When Jose introduced himself, one attendee said “Jose Melendez of the always clever KEYS TO THE GAME.”

Jose and another attendee replied at the same time “Not always clever.”
And, it’s true. The KEYS are not always clever; they are not always funny, nor does Jose expect that they will ever be so. All Jose’s hopes for is to be known as the author of the “often clever KEYS TO THE GAME.” And frankly, these days he would settle for being the author of the “occasionally clever KEYS,” because Jose is struggling.
There has been a lot of talk early in the season about why Jose can’t find last year’s form. Clearly, he’s typing slower than last year, his syntax is a little bit off and he’s going to the Tony Castrati bit a little more often than he should.

Everyone has their theories. Maybe Jose can’t take the pressure any more. Maybe he’s distracted by domestic problems. (Note to the Melendezette: Jose is not distracted by domestic problems.) Maybe he’s just not used to the cold weather. Maybe he’s getting too much work. Maybe he’s not getting enough work.

Some people have even suggested letting Matt Mantei write KEYS for a while.
To this Jose says “FEH!!!” Jose is not the problem here. No, no. Jose is never the problem. If Jose has learned anything from watching George Steinbrenner and Donald Rumsfeld, it is that he is not the problem, or to paraphrase an excellent button “Jose’s okay. You’re a sh*thead.”
So Jose’s official, pass the buck explanation is that this team is simply not funny enough. They traded the hysterical, handshaking OC for the shy, retiring ER. The replaced a Yoda mask wearing pitcher with a fat tub of goo… And they did this in a year where there was a Star Wars movie coming out. Acquiring Wells would have been fine if they were re-releasing The Blob or making Daniel Pinkwater’s Fat Men from Space into a movie, but they’re not. See. Context matters.

So the Sox need to make some moves to get funnier, and if this means reacquiring Ricky Henderson, so be it. Because it’s not Jose’s fault. If you need to boo someone, boo Kevin Millar instead.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/22/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Smoltz

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose missed most of last night’s game when he took the Melendezette to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Still, the evening was not without baseball value, as Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino has often compared the New York Yankees to the Empire from Star Wars.
After careful review and analysis, Jose finds this analogy lacking. Let’s think about this analytically.

The Emperor executed a plan to seize power over the course of 15 years. The Yankees plan changes depending on Steinbrenner’s mood on any given day.
There can only be two Sith lords and any given time. The Yankees can only have one Boss… and he’s crazy. (Note: So if the Yankees motto is “There can be only one” the correct sci-fi analogy is really Highlander.)

The empire has an army of clones at it’s disposal. Actually, this one is sort of similar, as the Yankees will soon be composed almost completely of Raul Mondesi and Kevin Brown clones.
The point is that the Empire was this well-organized, smooth functioning machinery of evil, whereas the New York Yankees are this clunking inefficient machinery of evil held together with tape and $100 bills. To put in another way, if George Steinbrenner ran the empire, they’d probably end up getting their butts whooped by some teddy bears in the forest… oh… so maybe the Yankees are like the Empire after all.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com