It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. They’ve tried rebooting. They’ve taken out the emotion chip. They’ve run Avast, and Adaware and Norton Utilities, but nothing seems to have fixed DLowe Paranoid Android for long. So now Terry Eurona has been left with no choice but to shut him down. According to Jose’s sources, Terry Eurona went into DLowe’s electronic brain last night and began to pull memory cards. Reportedly, as his brain was dismantled, DLowe began to sing Daisy, Daisy or something like it.
DLowe DLowe, through me a sinker do,
You’re half-crazy, we can’t rely on you.
You won’t start in the post season,
For this there is a reason,
In the division race
You kept making the face
Now we bid you a fond adieu.
2. A lot of people have been saying that the Red Sox remaining regular season games are about as meaningful than preseason games. Jose thinks this is absurd. They are clearly less important than preseason games. In the preseason, one is looking to see who can contribute over the course of the season, surprises will emerge, veterans will put their status in doubt. In these games pretty much nothing except injuries can happen. Last night’s game was important only because Tim Wakefield earned the number four spot in the rotation, but what is going to happen today? Will Adam Hyzdu dislodge Gabe Kapler, "The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew?" Is Jackie Gutierrez going to steal a roster spot? Is Lenny Dinardo going to beat out DLowe for a long relief role? Actually, that last one doesn’t sound so far fetched.
3. Was anyone else a little unsettled by the headline of Bob Hohler’s Red Sox Notebook in the morning’s Boston Globe "Wakefield’s ending is a happy one." It sounds an awful lot like Hohler is accusing our ALDS game four starter of visiting "oriental massage parlors." The last thing we need now is another Margo Adams situation. (Note: How was the Margo Adams thing a big deal? A baseball player had a mistress. Was anyone the least bit surprised by that? Did it really seem like news at the time?) Hohler casually throws out this allegation and then spends the rest of his piece talking about Wakefield’s pitching performance last night. It’s just irresponsible journalism, and Jose would hate to see this jeopardize Wakefield’s bid for the Roberto Clemente award.
(Note: Even though there are two games today, Jose may just do one KEYS. After all he needs rest for the playoffs too.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Saturday, October 2
KEYS TO A SECOND FAVORITE TEAM
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO A SECOND FAVORITE TEAM.
1. With the sad but, perhaps, inevitable demise of the Montreal Expos, now seemed as good as time as any to talk about second favorite teams. You see, Les Expos were Jose’s second favorite Major League Baseball Team, a distant second after a certain squad that plays near Kenmore Square. (Note: Don’t be a wise ass and say BU, BU doesn’t have a baseball team anymore.)
If Jose recalls correctly, Bill Simmons has argued that one cannot really root for two teams. Jose supposes that this is true. However, one can certainly root hard for one team and sort of, vaguely root for a second team. In other words, having a clear number two team, a team that is liked but not loved, is imminently possible. (Note: Though Jose has never taken so much abuse as the one time he wore an Expos cap to Fenway. The Sox weren’t playing the Expos; people just seemed incredulous that anyone would care enough about the Expos to wear one of their caps.
When Jose was growing up, he tended to base his secondary allegiances on two factors: the residence of a Melendez relative in a city and general ineptitude. The first led Jose to a certain fondness for The Washington Redskins; the second led to a fondness for the Houston Oilers and the two combined made the New Orleans Saints his true number two football team. But these were just a child’s inclinations, not real rules for the proper selection of a second team. As Jose has grown older, he has learned that it is far more fun to hate the teams who play where one’s relatives live. It leads to family squabbles that are far more amusing than disputes about who should inherit the family china. (Note: Though Jose doesn’t believe there has ever actually been a dispute about family china, the country of China or even former wrestling phenom Chyna in Jose’s family.)
The great thing about having a secondary team is that one can claim an interest, an affiliation even, but without the anguish that can result from making a serious emotional connection, the investment of time required to watch every or even many games, or even bothering to learn the names of players. Jose loves the Expos but who plays for them? Jose has no idea. (Note: Actually this is not quite true. Jose knows all of the former Red Sox in their organization. Tomo Okha, Sunny Kim, Rocky Biddle.)
2. For grown ups there are a few basic rules to be followed when choosing a secondary team. Jose will illustrate them using his four secondary teams: Les Expos, the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Clippers and the Hartford Whalers. Yes, Jose knows that the Whalers have not technically existed for a long time, and, if Jose recalls, their arena collapsed or burned down or something, but they still exist in Jose’s heart, and in the clarion tones of Brass Bonanza, the greatest fight song in history. Also, they still exist in NHL ’94 for Sega Genesis, not that Jose has a copy, or a Sega Genesis. Frankly, Jose isn’t a huge hockey guy, so he didn’t feel such an imperative to find a new secondary team, and the Whalers violated almost all of Jose’s rules. Still if forced to pick a new hockey team, Jose might go for the Columbus Bluejackets.
But on to the rules. Well, they’re not exactly rules, they’re more like guidelines. (Note: What is that from? Is it only Pirates of the Caribbean? This question has been driving Jose and his brother nuts.) The first rule is to pick a team that is in the opposite League or Conference from your favorite team. While this decreases the incidence of games between your favorite and your second favorite team, this is actually not such a big issue, as a good fan should always root for his favorite team in all circumstances. (Note: The only exception is if the second favorite team needs the game for the playoffs, the favorite team is mathematically eliminated and losing will help the favorite secure a better draft pick. The last time Jose did anything like this was in a Patriots-Saints game in 1993ish. Maybe it was 1994.)
The second rule is to pick a team that has a sort of pathetic history either due to a low payroll or even better, incompetent management. If Donald Sterling or Major League Baseball owns and operates your favorite team, it must be infuriating, (Note: Sort of like if Jeremy Jacobs…no…Jose is not a hockey guy, he will not go down that road) but if they own a team in which you have only modest interest, it can make the entire experience much richer. Just watching to see what bone headed move the owner makes next can make you feel better about your own teams management, and often it is simply funny. Paul Gaston was a lousy owner, but boy did he look good when compared with Donald Sterling. But even if a team’s ownership isn’t completely incompetent, it is essential that one’s second favorite team have a long history of poor play, and you must….MUST…set your allegiance when they are in a down cycle. For instance, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers would have been a great choice in the pre-Tony Dungy era, but to adopt them now, two years after a Super Bowl, would simply be wrong.
A corollary to this rule is that you may not pick a team with a long winning history for a second favorite. Anyone who’s second favorite team is the Yankees or Cowboys or Canadiens is a front runner and, frankly, a bad person. Even if a great organization is in a lengthy downward spiral, it is still inappropriate to adopt them. Sorry would be pseudo-Celtics fans.
The third rule is…actually there are only two. Two good rules.
1. With the sad but, perhaps, inevitable demise of the Montreal Expos, now seemed as good as time as any to talk about second favorite teams. You see, Les Expos were Jose’s second favorite Major League Baseball Team, a distant second after a certain squad that plays near Kenmore Square. (Note: Don’t be a wise ass and say BU, BU doesn’t have a baseball team anymore.)
If Jose recalls correctly, Bill Simmons has argued that one cannot really root for two teams. Jose supposes that this is true. However, one can certainly root hard for one team and sort of, vaguely root for a second team. In other words, having a clear number two team, a team that is liked but not loved, is imminently possible. (Note: Though Jose has never taken so much abuse as the one time he wore an Expos cap to Fenway. The Sox weren’t playing the Expos; people just seemed incredulous that anyone would care enough about the Expos to wear one of their caps.
When Jose was growing up, he tended to base his secondary allegiances on two factors: the residence of a Melendez relative in a city and general ineptitude. The first led Jose to a certain fondness for The Washington Redskins; the second led to a fondness for the Houston Oilers and the two combined made the New Orleans Saints his true number two football team. But these were just a child’s inclinations, not real rules for the proper selection of a second team. As Jose has grown older, he has learned that it is far more fun to hate the teams who play where one’s relatives live. It leads to family squabbles that are far more amusing than disputes about who should inherit the family china. (Note: Though Jose doesn’t believe there has ever actually been a dispute about family china, the country of China or even former wrestling phenom Chyna in Jose’s family.)
The great thing about having a secondary team is that one can claim an interest, an affiliation even, but without the anguish that can result from making a serious emotional connection, the investment of time required to watch every or even many games, or even bothering to learn the names of players. Jose loves the Expos but who plays for them? Jose has no idea. (Note: Actually this is not quite true. Jose knows all of the former Red Sox in their organization. Tomo Okha, Sunny Kim, Rocky Biddle.)
2. For grown ups there are a few basic rules to be followed when choosing a secondary team. Jose will illustrate them using his four secondary teams: Les Expos, the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Clippers and the Hartford Whalers. Yes, Jose knows that the Whalers have not technically existed for a long time, and, if Jose recalls, their arena collapsed or burned down or something, but they still exist in Jose’s heart, and in the clarion tones of Brass Bonanza, the greatest fight song in history. Also, they still exist in NHL ’94 for Sega Genesis, not that Jose has a copy, or a Sega Genesis. Frankly, Jose isn’t a huge hockey guy, so he didn’t feel such an imperative to find a new secondary team, and the Whalers violated almost all of Jose’s rules. Still if forced to pick a new hockey team, Jose might go for the Columbus Bluejackets.
But on to the rules. Well, they’re not exactly rules, they’re more like guidelines. (Note: What is that from? Is it only Pirates of the Caribbean? This question has been driving Jose and his brother nuts.) The first rule is to pick a team that is in the opposite League or Conference from your favorite team. While this decreases the incidence of games between your favorite and your second favorite team, this is actually not such a big issue, as a good fan should always root for his favorite team in all circumstances. (Note: The only exception is if the second favorite team needs the game for the playoffs, the favorite team is mathematically eliminated and losing will help the favorite secure a better draft pick. The last time Jose did anything like this was in a Patriots-Saints game in 1993ish. Maybe it was 1994.)
The second rule is to pick a team that has a sort of pathetic history either due to a low payroll or even better, incompetent management. If Donald Sterling or Major League Baseball owns and operates your favorite team, it must be infuriating, (Note: Sort of like if Jeremy Jacobs…no…Jose is not a hockey guy, he will not go down that road) but if they own a team in which you have only modest interest, it can make the entire experience much richer. Just watching to see what bone headed move the owner makes next can make you feel better about your own teams management, and often it is simply funny. Paul Gaston was a lousy owner, but boy did he look good when compared with Donald Sterling. But even if a team’s ownership isn’t completely incompetent, it is essential that one’s second favorite team have a long history of poor play, and you must….MUST…set your allegiance when they are in a down cycle. For instance, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers would have been a great choice in the pre-Tony Dungy era, but to adopt them now, two years after a Super Bowl, would simply be wrong.
A corollary to this rule is that you may not pick a team with a long winning history for a second favorite. Anyone who’s second favorite team is the Yankees or Cowboys or Canadiens is a front runner and, frankly, a bad person. Even if a great organization is in a lengthy downward spiral, it is still inappropriate to adopt them. Sorry would be pseudo-Celtics fans.
The third rule is…actually there are only two. Two good rules.
3. So with these rules in mind, who should Jose adopt as his new second favorite baseball team? Well, we know it has to be in the National League so that narrows it down quite a bit, but what organization is futile enough to earn Jose’s support? Jose has it narrowed down to two candidates: The Pittsburgh Pirates and the San Diego Padres. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each.
Pirates
Pros:
--Terrible for many, many years, end not in sight
--Ballpark would be really neat to visit.
-Ugly uniform colors are sort of appealing.
Cons:
-Great history as an organization. What’s happened to them is more sad than funny.
--Hate them for whining about the Brandon Lyon trade and pawning Scott Sauerbeck and Jeff Suppan off on the Sox last year.
Padres
Pros:
--Despite two World Series appearances, no proud history.
--Theo Epstein connection.
--Getting better, but still bad almost every year.
--Also, ugly uniform colors.
--Jose Melendez played for them.
Cons:
--Larry Lucchino Connection
-Petco Park is among stupidest stadium names.
Wow. This is tough. Jose is leaning Padres right now, though he was thinking Pirates before he made the list of pros and cons. Thankfully, Jose is going to have the whole off season to think about it. But in the event that Les Expos are renamed the Washington Senators, maybe Jose’s new second favorite will be the same as the old. After all, giving yet another team the name Senators, which has brought down two baseball teams and one (perhaps two soon) hockey teams, would be an ominous start for the new team. And for a second favorite, Jose likes that just fine.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO A SECOND FAVORITE TEAM.
Friday, October 1
From SoSH: Re: 10/1 Boston vs. Baltimore - Wakes vs. Lopez
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. “Yanks Clinch, Sox Futility Reaches 14 Years.” You may have notice that this was not a headline in the Boston Globe today, and “Sox Are Out (And So Is Closeted Pol)” was not a headline in the Herald.
There’s really only one man to thank for this, and it’s not Curt Euro, John W. Henry or even Theo Epstein. No, it’s John Harrington, and it’s time he got his due.
Harrington, often derided for the impressive accounting skills that would bring him praise in other endeavors, was a primary architect of the three division and wild card system that baseball has used since 1994. (Note: Not that it really got used until 1995.) Since its institution, the Red Sox have been in the post season five times (1995, 1998, 1999, 2003, 2004). Under the old two division system they would have been in the playoffs zero times. Even in 1995, when they won the division, they would have finished well behind the mighty A.L. East winning Cleveland Indians. (Note: In real life Cleveland won the Central.)
Harrington tends to be regarded as retrograde these days because he left Fenway Park looking like it did in 1948 and failed to take a modern approach to marketing the team. (Note: Come on the man gave us Wally the Green Monster…That’s modernity baby, or maybe even post-modernity.) Indeed, the little credit he gets in this town is for erasing the last vestiges of Yawkey racism from the team, though that probably has more to do with the deaths of Tim and Jean Yawkey than Harrington’s decency. So unless, he was secretly slipping arsenic into Mrs. Yawkey’s martinis, he probably gets too much credit for that. (Note: And as many commentators have pointed out, should we award credit for eliminating racism in the 1990s. or should we just demand it?)
Yet Harrington had the foresight to see the coming Yankee behemoth and change the rules to protect his team from it. People complain about Tony Dungy and Mike Martz changing pass interference rules to benefit their teams; they laud Red Auerbach and Jan Volk as clever and devious fixers for setting up the salary cap to aid the Celtics (Note: This may be the only time Mike Martz and Red Auerbach will ever be compared except in sentences like “If you took Mike Martz’s IQ and multiplied it by 10,000, he still wouldn’t be as smart as Red Auerbach.”). But affable John Harrington is regarded as an old guard boob. Old guard perhaps, but old guard like Stalin at Yalta, Bismarck waving a red cape before the Gallic Bull or John Silber purging the Boston University board of all dissenters. The kindly accountant saw where the game was headed and saw that it was not to the benefit of the Red Sox, so he changed the rules.
Without John Harrington Pedro’s magic in relief against Cleveland would never have happened, Troy O’Leary would hold no special place in our hearts, Byrnes’ Boner would never have been and DLowe the Paranoid Android would never have crotch chopped his way to glory. Of course, we also wouldn’t have had Tony Pena’s heartbreaking homer, Tom Gordon’s blown save, Tim Tschida’s phantom tag or even Grady’s slow hook.. Wait, we could have avoided all of that? Thanks for nothing Harrington.
2. Even a day late, Jose figures that Tony Castrati’s latest diatribe is worth a run through the old translator.
What TC says: “He was sulking, plain and simple, as if he were a 17-year-old denied the keys to the car.”
What TC means: He was sulking like a SoSHer denied his/her KEYS to the game. God I hate those people. Why would they want to read KEYS for free, when they could get my sharp insight for a mere 50 cents, and it comes with the Herald’s newest four part expose on transsexual prostitution in Chelmsford? Also, I can comment on sulking from a position of authority, as I have been known to sulk when beaten to a scoop by computer geeks.
What TC says: “He has never really been able to lie.”
What TC means: This is contemptible, his Dominican respect for honesty and frankness have no place in baseball and certainly no place in America. Did I mention that I hate the truth?
What TC says: “No matter what Martinez says publicly, no matter how politically correct he chooses to be, do you really think he is happy about being the Sox' Game 2 starter in the playoffs next week?”
What TC means: Wait, no I don’t really hate the truth, or at least I don’t want to be on record saying that, so I’m going to completely contradict my previous point and now argue that Pedro was lying.
What TC says: “The Sox still have the identities of their Games 3 and 4 starters locked in a safe deposit box somewhere in Western Europe - has someone swallowed the key?”
What TC means: Wow, I’m completely obsessed with KEYS TO THE GAME. Two KEYS references in a single column, I need to be more subtle.
What TC says: “Maybe Martinez was protesting the decision. Maybe he did not want to be out there at all. Maybe that is why he insisted on remaining in the game after the fourth inning, when Francona and Wallace wanted to pull him.”
What TC means: Okay, I said it, Pedro threw the game. He always tells the truth, but he’s a liar, and he throws games. And no, I don’t have any proof whatsoever, but he pitched poorly. And what are the odds that he would pitch poorly unless he was doing so on purpose? I mean, it’s not like he had lost his previous three starts or anything.
What TC says: “By then, here's hoping Pedro Martinez can handle the truth.”
I have it on good authority from an unnamed source that either Paul Pierce or retired heavyweight boxer Carl “The Truth” Williams will be on the As playoff roster, so if the Sox play them, Pedro must be prepared.
3. For those who do not look at Jose’s blog comments, he received the following response from Boston.com content provider Chris Rattey last night.
“Jose can you see,I can't attribute something to someone else that came directly from my brain. Congratulations on beating me to the punch on comparing DLowe to a paranoid robot. That's a wonderful thing. Thanks for reading Boston.com and throwing a link up to the feature. It's always great to meet the fans out there.Your buddy,Chris Rattey”
One can only hope that Rattey doesn’t think he came up with “Jose can you see” as well. Also, Jose finds it fascinating that Rattey creates content “directly from [his] brain” with no pesky intermediaries like fingers. It’s very Matrix-like. Do you think the CIA knows about it?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
(Note: Edited to fix a numbers problem.)
1. “Yanks Clinch, Sox Futility Reaches 14 Years.” You may have notice that this was not a headline in the Boston Globe today, and “Sox Are Out (And So Is Closeted Pol)” was not a headline in the Herald.
There’s really only one man to thank for this, and it’s not Curt Euro, John W. Henry or even Theo Epstein. No, it’s John Harrington, and it’s time he got his due.
Harrington, often derided for the impressive accounting skills that would bring him praise in other endeavors, was a primary architect of the three division and wild card system that baseball has used since 1994. (Note: Not that it really got used until 1995.) Since its institution, the Red Sox have been in the post season five times (1995, 1998, 1999, 2003, 2004). Under the old two division system they would have been in the playoffs zero times. Even in 1995, when they won the division, they would have finished well behind the mighty A.L. East winning Cleveland Indians. (Note: In real life Cleveland won the Central.)
Harrington tends to be regarded as retrograde these days because he left Fenway Park looking like it did in 1948 and failed to take a modern approach to marketing the team. (Note: Come on the man gave us Wally the Green Monster…That’s modernity baby, or maybe even post-modernity.) Indeed, the little credit he gets in this town is for erasing the last vestiges of Yawkey racism from the team, though that probably has more to do with the deaths of Tim and Jean Yawkey than Harrington’s decency. So unless, he was secretly slipping arsenic into Mrs. Yawkey’s martinis, he probably gets too much credit for that. (Note: And as many commentators have pointed out, should we award credit for eliminating racism in the 1990s. or should we just demand it?)
Yet Harrington had the foresight to see the coming Yankee behemoth and change the rules to protect his team from it. People complain about Tony Dungy and Mike Martz changing pass interference rules to benefit their teams; they laud Red Auerbach and Jan Volk as clever and devious fixers for setting up the salary cap to aid the Celtics (Note: This may be the only time Mike Martz and Red Auerbach will ever be compared except in sentences like “If you took Mike Martz’s IQ and multiplied it by 10,000, he still wouldn’t be as smart as Red Auerbach.”). But affable John Harrington is regarded as an old guard boob. Old guard perhaps, but old guard like Stalin at Yalta, Bismarck waving a red cape before the Gallic Bull or John Silber purging the Boston University board of all dissenters. The kindly accountant saw where the game was headed and saw that it was not to the benefit of the Red Sox, so he changed the rules.
Without John Harrington Pedro’s magic in relief against Cleveland would never have happened, Troy O’Leary would hold no special place in our hearts, Byrnes’ Boner would never have been and DLowe the Paranoid Android would never have crotch chopped his way to glory. Of course, we also wouldn’t have had Tony Pena’s heartbreaking homer, Tom Gordon’s blown save, Tim Tschida’s phantom tag or even Grady’s slow hook.. Wait, we could have avoided all of that? Thanks for nothing Harrington.
2. Even a day late, Jose figures that Tony Castrati’s latest diatribe is worth a run through the old translator.
What TC says: “He was sulking, plain and simple, as if he were a 17-year-old denied the keys to the car.”
What TC means: He was sulking like a SoSHer denied his/her KEYS to the game. God I hate those people. Why would they want to read KEYS for free, when they could get my sharp insight for a mere 50 cents, and it comes with the Herald’s newest four part expose on transsexual prostitution in Chelmsford? Also, I can comment on sulking from a position of authority, as I have been known to sulk when beaten to a scoop by computer geeks.
What TC says: “He has never really been able to lie.”
What TC means: This is contemptible, his Dominican respect for honesty and frankness have no place in baseball and certainly no place in America. Did I mention that I hate the truth?
What TC says: “No matter what Martinez says publicly, no matter how politically correct he chooses to be, do you really think he is happy about being the Sox' Game 2 starter in the playoffs next week?”
What TC means: Wait, no I don’t really hate the truth, or at least I don’t want to be on record saying that, so I’m going to completely contradict my previous point and now argue that Pedro was lying.
What TC says: “The Sox still have the identities of their Games 3 and 4 starters locked in a safe deposit box somewhere in Western Europe - has someone swallowed the key?”
What TC means: Wow, I’m completely obsessed with KEYS TO THE GAME. Two KEYS references in a single column, I need to be more subtle.
What TC says: “Maybe Martinez was protesting the decision. Maybe he did not want to be out there at all. Maybe that is why he insisted on remaining in the game after the fourth inning, when Francona and Wallace wanted to pull him.”
What TC means: Okay, I said it, Pedro threw the game. He always tells the truth, but he’s a liar, and he throws games. And no, I don’t have any proof whatsoever, but he pitched poorly. And what are the odds that he would pitch poorly unless he was doing so on purpose? I mean, it’s not like he had lost his previous three starts or anything.
What TC says: “By then, here's hoping Pedro Martinez can handle the truth.”
I have it on good authority from an unnamed source that either Paul Pierce or retired heavyweight boxer Carl “The Truth” Williams will be on the As playoff roster, so if the Sox play them, Pedro must be prepared.
3. For those who do not look at Jose’s blog comments, he received the following response from Boston.com content provider Chris Rattey last night.
“Jose can you see,I can't attribute something to someone else that came directly from my brain. Congratulations on beating me to the punch on comparing DLowe to a paranoid robot. That's a wonderful thing. Thanks for reading Boston.com and throwing a link up to the feature. It's always great to meet the fans out there.Your buddy,Chris Rattey”
One can only hope that Rattey doesn’t think he came up with “Jose can you see” as well. Also, Jose finds it fascinating that Rattey creates content “directly from [his] brain” with no pesky intermediaries like fingers. It’s very Matrix-like. Do you think the CIA knows about it?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
(Note: Edited to fix a numbers problem.)
Thursday, September 30
KEYS TO CELEBRITY
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO CELEBRITY.
1. Now that Jose is a celebrity, having received a link on ESPN.com’s Page 2 (Note: Acronym for "Entertainment!!!! Sports programming? Nah.") by arch enemy and secret friend Eric Kneel, a lot of people have asked "Jose, now that you’re a celebrity will you remember the little people who made you?" (Note: For those of you just stumbling across this page, a look at the August archives will give you the why and how of Jose Melendez’s rise to superstardom and complete loss of humility.)
This is a great question, and deserves a great answer. Perhaps Jose’s publicist will address it. No, Jose is just kidding,… he fired his publicist after she failed to call him with news of the link. But seriously, who are you to question the great Jose Melendez? Do you think you’re Walter Cronkite? Or perhaps Jim Lehrer? (Note: Yes, Jose is about to watch the debate.) Well, you are nothing but a Pat O’Brien, at best. (Note: Jose actually has no opinion of Pat O’Brien, as he does not watch schlocky entertainment gossip shows, but celebrities seem to care a great deal about him, and perhaps as a celebrity, Jose should too.) If Jose wasn’t so full of foie gras, caviar and truffles prepared by his personal iron chef, he would get up and give you a thrashing. Now crawl out of Jose’s sight on your knees backwards and be thankful that Jose doesn’t call the local constabulary or better yet the sanitation department.
No, no, relax. Jose is just kidding. He loves the little people, or "marks" as he affectionately calls them. But seriously, who are you and how dare you look directly at Jose.
2. The weird thing about being a celebrity is that Jose can’t go anywhere without being recognized now. For instance, Jose was in Pittsfield, MA, the birthplace of baseball , for a meeting today, and before he’d walked in the front door, Jose had probably signed 5,000 autographs, and had to leave a crowd of about 3,000 waiting, many of them children with debilitating diseases. Now all of these people are going to start calling sports radio (Note: Or blogger radio, whatever people use) and saying "You know what? Jose Melendez is such an *sshole. I waited like 45 minutes to meet him and then he wouldn’t even acknowledge my nine year old kid? What kind of person won’t sign an autograph for a kid?"
In keeping with our President’s doctrine of preemption, Jose offers the following preemptive riposte. "Why should Jose sign your freakin’ KEYS T-shirt? So you can go sell it on Ebay for $500, so Jose can make you money and you can tell all of your friends how you swindled Jose Melendez? All Jose has ever done is entertain you for free, and you keep taking and taking and taking. You bother Jose in restaurants; you approach him at the opera; you harass him when he is trying to do something as simple and personal as shoot an advertisement for TGI Friday’s. Why don’t you ever ask "What can I do for Jose?" rather than "What can Jose do for me?" You know what you can do for Jose? You can get him some mohntorte and several gold bars. Is that so much to ask? Now out of Jose’s way, he’s trying to get to his Bentley (Note: or possibly to Bentley college in Waltham, it gets confusing.)
3. In all seriousness, Jose’s biggest fear is that as he becomes more and more prominent, the real Jose Melendez wherever he is, will emerge from hiding, overcome the shame of blowing the 1994 World series in a Sports Illustrated fiction piece, find out that someone is posing as him and file a lawsuit.
Jose’s original theory was that this would be a "good problem," like having six quality starting pitchers or three versions of London Calling. Jose figured that if it ever got to the point that he was sued, he’d already be such a smashing success that it wouldn’t matter. But if someone were to sue Jose right now… well…let’s put it this way…Jose would have to sell about 1,500,000 additional T-shirts before he could hire Johnny Cochran or Alan Derschowitz or David Souter or Matlock or whoever to defend him in a suit over royalties. So Jose Melendez the pitcher if you’re out there, know this. The name Jose Melendez was completely uninspired by you and has nothing to do with the fact that Jose was crushed when the Red Sox traded Phil Plantier for you. As best Jose knows, there is not and never was a pitcher named Jose Melendez. Jose came up with the name because it was a mellifluous group of syllables; as a tribute to his friends Jose, Mel and Dez; or with the help of the "Wu Tang name generator." Crap…is ODB going to sue Jose now?
I’m…do you know who I am? I’m Jose Freaking Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CELEBRITY.
1. Now that Jose is a celebrity, having received a link on ESPN.com’s Page 2 (Note: Acronym for "Entertainment!!!! Sports programming? Nah.") by arch enemy and secret friend Eric Kneel, a lot of people have asked "Jose, now that you’re a celebrity will you remember the little people who made you?" (Note: For those of you just stumbling across this page, a look at the August archives will give you the why and how of Jose Melendez’s rise to superstardom and complete loss of humility.)
This is a great question, and deserves a great answer. Perhaps Jose’s publicist will address it. No, Jose is just kidding,… he fired his publicist after she failed to call him with news of the link. But seriously, who are you to question the great Jose Melendez? Do you think you’re Walter Cronkite? Or perhaps Jim Lehrer? (Note: Yes, Jose is about to watch the debate.) Well, you are nothing but a Pat O’Brien, at best. (Note: Jose actually has no opinion of Pat O’Brien, as he does not watch schlocky entertainment gossip shows, but celebrities seem to care a great deal about him, and perhaps as a celebrity, Jose should too.) If Jose wasn’t so full of foie gras, caviar and truffles prepared by his personal iron chef, he would get up and give you a thrashing. Now crawl out of Jose’s sight on your knees backwards and be thankful that Jose doesn’t call the local constabulary or better yet the sanitation department.
No, no, relax. Jose is just kidding. He loves the little people, or "marks" as he affectionately calls them. But seriously, who are you and how dare you look directly at Jose.
2. The weird thing about being a celebrity is that Jose can’t go anywhere without being recognized now. For instance, Jose was in Pittsfield, MA, the birthplace of baseball , for a meeting today, and before he’d walked in the front door, Jose had probably signed 5,000 autographs, and had to leave a crowd of about 3,000 waiting, many of them children with debilitating diseases. Now all of these people are going to start calling sports radio (Note: Or blogger radio, whatever people use) and saying "You know what? Jose Melendez is such an *sshole. I waited like 45 minutes to meet him and then he wouldn’t even acknowledge my nine year old kid? What kind of person won’t sign an autograph for a kid?"
In keeping with our President’s doctrine of preemption, Jose offers the following preemptive riposte. "Why should Jose sign your freakin’ KEYS T-shirt? So you can go sell it on Ebay for $500, so Jose can make you money and you can tell all of your friends how you swindled Jose Melendez? All Jose has ever done is entertain you for free, and you keep taking and taking and taking. You bother Jose in restaurants; you approach him at the opera; you harass him when he is trying to do something as simple and personal as shoot an advertisement for TGI Friday’s. Why don’t you ever ask "What can I do for Jose?" rather than "What can Jose do for me?" You know what you can do for Jose? You can get him some mohntorte and several gold bars. Is that so much to ask? Now out of Jose’s way, he’s trying to get to his Bentley (Note: or possibly to Bentley college in Waltham, it gets confusing.)
3. In all seriousness, Jose’s biggest fear is that as he becomes more and more prominent, the real Jose Melendez wherever he is, will emerge from hiding, overcome the shame of blowing the 1994 World series in a Sports Illustrated fiction piece, find out that someone is posing as him and file a lawsuit.
Jose’s original theory was that this would be a "good problem," like having six quality starting pitchers or three versions of London Calling. Jose figured that if it ever got to the point that he was sued, he’d already be such a smashing success that it wouldn’t matter. But if someone were to sue Jose right now… well…let’s put it this way…Jose would have to sell about 1,500,000 additional T-shirts before he could hire Johnny Cochran or Alan Derschowitz or David Souter or Matlock or whoever to defend him in a suit over royalties. So Jose Melendez the pitcher if you’re out there, know this. The name Jose Melendez was completely uninspired by you and has nothing to do with the fact that Jose was crushed when the Red Sox traded Phil Plantier for you. As best Jose knows, there is not and never was a pitcher named Jose Melendez. Jose came up with the name because it was a mellifluous group of syllables; as a tribute to his friends Jose, Mel and Dez; or with the help of the "Wu Tang name generator." Crap…is ODB going to sue Jose now?
I’m…do you know who I am? I’m Jose Freaking Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CELEBRITY.
Wednesday, September 29
From SoSH: Re: 9/29: Bos v. TB: Martinez v. Waechter
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The neighborhood watch is in effect. Reader wdichtel noticed that an online Boston Globe story by Chris Rattey that equated Red Sox and Yankees personnel to characters in the Star Wars Trilogy, cast Derek Lowe as C-3PO with the following text "Sure, he came inches away from playing Princess Leia. But in the end we thought casting D-Lowe as a fussy, anxiety-riddled droid made much more sense."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The neighborhood watch is in effect. Reader wdichtel noticed that an online Boston Globe story by Chris Rattey that equated Red Sox and Yankees personnel to characters in the Star Wars Trilogy, cast Derek Lowe as C-3PO with the following text "Sure, he came inches away from playing Princess Leia. But in the end we thought casting D-Lowe as a fussy, anxiety-riddled droid made much more sense."
Let's see anxiety riddled droid, anxiety riddled droid, why does that sound so familiar? Jeez…that’s sort of like calling him "DLowe the Paranoid Android isn’t it?" Could it be that Eric Kneel has inspired copycats? Jose knows, it is hard to believe that a journalistic institution that has been home to greats like Mike Barnicle and Patricia Smith would ever be involved in something so untoward, especially on the highly credible "Internet," but it appears to be the case.
Jose sent the following email to Mr. Rattey trying to see if he’ll admit his mistake. (Note: Jose also wants to see if anyone else is self aware as Jose’s new best friend Eric Kneel.)
Dear Mr. Rattey,
This is Jose Melendez, Sox blogger (http://keystothegame.blogspot.com), devoted Sons of Sam Horn member and relentless user of the third person. Jose is writing in response to your recent "lighter side" where you put the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry in a Star Wars context. It was an enjoyable piece, but Jose must take issue with your highly accurate characterization of Derek Lowe as an "anxiety riddled droid." It’s not that it’s untrue…it’s just that…well, it’s been done before…by Jose. Jose has been referring to the temperamental righty as "DLowe the Paranoid Android since May 26. Now admittedly, Jose swiped the "Paranoid Android" moniker from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, (Note: And possibly Radiohead), but he cited The Hitchhiker’s Guide and was the first to describe DLowe as a neurotic automaton. Besides, Jose stole it first so to quote Krusty the Clown, "If this is anyone other than Steve Allen you’re stealing my bit."
It’s true. Use this link and you can see that Jose really has been taking about Lowe’s robotic nature since
Your pal,
Jose Melendez
2. Despite DLowe The Paranoid Android’s terrible outing last night there is good news for him. He still has a reasonable chance of achieving sainthood. According to William J. Kole of the Associated Press, the Catholic church beatified Austro-Hungarian Kaiser Karl I yesterday, a step towards canonization. Karl’s miracle was not surrendering in WWI and ending the monarchy, but healing the varicose veins of a Brazilian nun who prayed to him. (Note: Shouldn’t praying to some random King be blasphemy? Won’t that make Kevin Youkilis mad?) Jose figures that one decent inning from DLowe in the playoffs would be about the same on the miracle scale, thus qualifying him at least for beatification, if not sainthood.
3. While the Red Sox appear to have settled on a four man rotation for the playoffs, be forewarned, the Melendezette has a bad feeling about this. As Jose has written before, four is very unlucky in Chinese culture, so her view would be that a three or five man rotation would be preferable. (Note: Jose hasn’t actually talked to the Melendezette about this, but he’s pretty sure this is how she would feel, and in Jose’s experience people don’t mind having words put in their mouths. Really. Though the superstition about four does raise the following question: What would she do if she found a four leaf clover? Is that good luck or bad luck?)
2. Despite DLowe The Paranoid Android’s terrible outing last night there is good news for him. He still has a reasonable chance of achieving sainthood. According to William J. Kole of the Associated Press, the Catholic church beatified Austro-Hungarian Kaiser Karl I yesterday, a step towards canonization. Karl’s miracle was not surrendering in WWI and ending the monarchy, but healing the varicose veins of a Brazilian nun who prayed to him. (Note: Shouldn’t praying to some random King be blasphemy? Won’t that make Kevin Youkilis mad?) Jose figures that one decent inning from DLowe in the playoffs would be about the same on the miracle scale, thus qualifying him at least for beatification, if not sainthood.
3. While the Red Sox appear to have settled on a four man rotation for the playoffs, be forewarned, the Melendezette has a bad feeling about this. As Jose has written before, four is very unlucky in Chinese culture, so her view would be that a three or five man rotation would be preferable. (Note: Jose hasn’t actually talked to the Melendezette about this, but he’s pretty sure this is how she would feel, and in Jose’s experience people don’t mind having words put in their mouths. Really. Though the superstition about four does raise the following question: What would she do if she found a four leaf clover? Is that good luck or bad luck?)
(Note: Jose may be held back tomorrow in order to set him up for the playoffs. We'll see.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, September 28
From SoSH: Re: 9/28: Bos v. TB: Lowe v. Halama
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Now that the Sox have officially clinched a playoff spot, we really do have the right to start looking ahead. And yet Jose cannot. He is still fixated on the scene last night as the Red Sox celebrated their playoff birth by pouring Bud Light’s over each other. (Note: To all those who say that the Red Sox should not celebrate a wild card birth excessively, Jose says it was not excessive, at all. They celebrated with Bud Light, a wholly appropriate beverage for a wild card birth. If they win the division perhaps they could upgrade to Rolling Rock. Then once they win the Division Series, they can dump Sam Adams on each other. After they win the ALCS they can dump Guinness on each other. Finally, when they win the World Series, they can celebrate with rare Kelt beer available only in Slovakia the best beer Jose has ever tasted. If they had been dumping Kelt on each other last night, that would have been excessive.)
What has always transfixed Jose about the locker room scenes is the fact that no one ever gets electrocuted. Why not? Jose doesn’t know too much about electricity, but he knows that it doesn’t mix with liquid. At the same time, Jose knows that his walkman doesn’t kill him when it’s raining. That said, surely TV cameras have more juice than a walkman? Until Jose learns why Eric Frede isn’t a smoking carcass, he just won’t be able to look ahead to the division series. (Note: Up next, Jose looks ahead to the Division Series.)
2. According to the Boston Globe, Scott Williamson has been given the next five games to improve his velocity and demonstrate that he can pitch in back to back games, or he will be left off the post season roster.
While Williamson is sure to be disappointed by this news, he can at least take comfort in the fact that his absence from the post season roster is likely to improve his oral health. As you may recall, Williamson’s 2003 post season was marred by an unsightly cold sore that manger Grady Little attributed to the intense stress of postseason pitching. Allegedly, the stress demonstrated by the cold sore was one reason Grady declined to use Williamson in Game 7. (Note: Could we get Pedro to start having a cold sore at the end of each 7th inning? That way the manager would know to pull him.) Without the stress, Williamson can look forward to a cold sore free October, and Mrs. Williamson can look forward to some good lovin’.
3. Now we have to sit through days of wondering which of our aces will start game one and which two of our solid starters will start game three and four. Jose can’t take all of the fighting over it and all of the intrigue. He would much prefer to figure out which game to start Kent Merker or John Burkett or who is the number 2 starter, Tom Bolton or Dana Kiecker. (Note: These are actually playoff starting pitchers from Red Sox history. Sort of hard to believe isn’t it?)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Now that the Sox have officially clinched a playoff spot, we really do have the right to start looking ahead. And yet Jose cannot. He is still fixated on the scene last night as the Red Sox celebrated their playoff birth by pouring Bud Light’s over each other. (Note: To all those who say that the Red Sox should not celebrate a wild card birth excessively, Jose says it was not excessive, at all. They celebrated with Bud Light, a wholly appropriate beverage for a wild card birth. If they win the division perhaps they could upgrade to Rolling Rock. Then once they win the Division Series, they can dump Sam Adams on each other. After they win the ALCS they can dump Guinness on each other. Finally, when they win the World Series, they can celebrate with rare Kelt beer available only in Slovakia the best beer Jose has ever tasted. If they had been dumping Kelt on each other last night, that would have been excessive.)
What has always transfixed Jose about the locker room scenes is the fact that no one ever gets electrocuted. Why not? Jose doesn’t know too much about electricity, but he knows that it doesn’t mix with liquid. At the same time, Jose knows that his walkman doesn’t kill him when it’s raining. That said, surely TV cameras have more juice than a walkman? Until Jose learns why Eric Frede isn’t a smoking carcass, he just won’t be able to look ahead to the division series. (Note: Up next, Jose looks ahead to the Division Series.)
2. According to the Boston Globe, Scott Williamson has been given the next five games to improve his velocity and demonstrate that he can pitch in back to back games, or he will be left off the post season roster.
While Williamson is sure to be disappointed by this news, he can at least take comfort in the fact that his absence from the post season roster is likely to improve his oral health. As you may recall, Williamson’s 2003 post season was marred by an unsightly cold sore that manger Grady Little attributed to the intense stress of postseason pitching. Allegedly, the stress demonstrated by the cold sore was one reason Grady declined to use Williamson in Game 7. (Note: Could we get Pedro to start having a cold sore at the end of each 7th inning? That way the manager would know to pull him.) Without the stress, Williamson can look forward to a cold sore free October, and Mrs. Williamson can look forward to some good lovin’.
3. Now we have to sit through days of wondering which of our aces will start game one and which two of our solid starters will start game three and four. Jose can’t take all of the fighting over it and all of the intrigue. He would much prefer to figure out which game to start Kent Merker or John Burkett or who is the number 2 starter, Tom Bolton or Dana Kiecker. (Note: These are actually playoff starting pitchers from Red Sox history. Sort of hard to believe isn’t it?)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Monday, September 27
From SoSH: Re: 9/27: Bos v. TB: Arroyo v. Kazmir
It's time for Jose Melendez's KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. You know what time it is KEYS fans? Yes, it’s time to start looking ahead. Yes, Jose knows this is contrary to our very natures as Sox fans, we’re always looking over our shoulders, wondering who might be gaining on us, expecting things to go wrong, but trust Jose, let’s look ahead. It’s fun and surprisingly easy.
Jose actually tends to have a lot of trouble looking ahead. If there is something awful or maybe even just unpleasant in Jose’s future, he tends to spend a lot of time fretting about it and seeing anything after it as beyond the void and unworthy of consideration. Jose is actually in such a state right now. He has so much to do at work between now and Thanksgiving that anything after Thanksgiving seems as abstract as a Picasso. (Note: Jose has heard that if one looks at a pointillist painting while on acid, it looks like a realist scene. So here is Jose’s question. If one watched Esteban Loaiza pitch while on acid, would it look like he was pitching well? What about Kevin Brown?)
For Jose the classic example of being unable to look forward was when he had jaw surgery 10 days after high school graduation. Jose knew he was going to have the surgery for about two years, and spent most of that time dreading it. He just couldn’t comprehend the fact that there was going to be a point in his life when the dread surgery was over, so it was hard for him to focus on anything that would happen after. And actually the surgery was awful. Jose lost 30 pounds, had his jaw wired shut for five weeks and even worse, O.J. killed…sorry, allegedly killed, two people the day before Jose’s surgery so TV was pretty much ruined for the duration of his recovery. Frankly, if Jose’s parents hadn’t kept him focused on it, he probably wouldn’t have applied to college since it came after the surgery. On the up side, Jose did learn how to fit about 1,800 calories into a glass (Note: Ice cream and fruit in heavy syrup are the KEYS.)
Okay digression over. Jose is done trying to bulk up KEYS that have been a little shaky lately with bland material about his orthodonture. Let’s move on to talking about Mosey Nixon’s orthodnture!! No wait looking ahead, looking ahead…that’s it!
The first step is to look backward and note that we are six ahead of Anaheim, the AL West is beating itself to death, and we get to play Tampa and Baltimore. It’s like what Ricky Davis did before he tried the under the legs dunk, he looked back saw that there was no one close, so he could make a mistake and still recover. Only then did he go and do something stupid. Got that? Look back first, then do something stupid. Actually, let Jose amend that. The second step is to actually look forward for just a second. See how we are 3.5 behind the Yankees? Now it possible that we will catch them, but it is improbable. Though they do have a tough series against Minnesota left. Well, are we giving up something good by looking ahead? Hey, if it happens it happens.
So now that we’ve looked both ways, lets start really looking ahead. It looks like the Sox probably are going to play Minnesota, which means we can look forward to one of those Shaughnessy columns comparing Boston with Minnesota. You know, winter in Minnesota 10 months…winter in Boston nine months. Advantage: Boston. Jose can also look forward to not talking to his many friends from Minnesota and growing to really hate Johan Santana. Actually, Jose should give you his big scoop on Johann. Despite his first name…ready? HE ISN’T GERMAN!!!! HE’S NOT AUSTRIAN OR DUTCH EITHER!!! So German SoSH poster ossie schreckengost doesn’t need to sweat it, he can still root for the Sox. (Note: Not that a Geman would care if he was Austrian or Dutch, but he’s not German and that’s the important part.) (Additonal Note: Should we end up playing Anaheim, Jose will explore his suspicion that Vladimir Guerrero is not Russian or even Ukrainian.)
You know what else is good about looking ahead? When a KEY gets really long, rambling and off subject, you can start thinking things like "What will be in KEY 2? Maybe it will be a Tony Castrati Transaltor. No, wait Jose did one of those on Saturday. I bet it’s about Ellis ‘Chicken Man’ Burks." Enough talk, enough chatter, it’s time to throw down. KEY 2 now.
2. Wow the Yankees get to choose between Kevin Brown Esteban Loaiza and Javier Vasquez be their number 4 starter in the playoffs. This is what they call a "good problem." You know, if it’s 2003. In 2004 it’s a bad problem. A very, very bad problem, like a termite infestation or possibly bubonic plague.
3. Jose thinks yesterday was the ultimate proof that Pedro Astacio is not ready to contribute anything on the major league level. Even though he’s pretty skinny, you just have to be able to nail Kenny Lofton with no outs in the eighth inning of a blowout. If you can’t do that, why are we keeping you around? Seriously.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. You know what time it is KEYS fans? Yes, it’s time to start looking ahead. Yes, Jose knows this is contrary to our very natures as Sox fans, we’re always looking over our shoulders, wondering who might be gaining on us, expecting things to go wrong, but trust Jose, let’s look ahead. It’s fun and surprisingly easy.
Jose actually tends to have a lot of trouble looking ahead. If there is something awful or maybe even just unpleasant in Jose’s future, he tends to spend a lot of time fretting about it and seeing anything after it as beyond the void and unworthy of consideration. Jose is actually in such a state right now. He has so much to do at work between now and Thanksgiving that anything after Thanksgiving seems as abstract as a Picasso. (Note: Jose has heard that if one looks at a pointillist painting while on acid, it looks like a realist scene. So here is Jose’s question. If one watched Esteban Loaiza pitch while on acid, would it look like he was pitching well? What about Kevin Brown?)
For Jose the classic example of being unable to look forward was when he had jaw surgery 10 days after high school graduation. Jose knew he was going to have the surgery for about two years, and spent most of that time dreading it. He just couldn’t comprehend the fact that there was going to be a point in his life when the dread surgery was over, so it was hard for him to focus on anything that would happen after. And actually the surgery was awful. Jose lost 30 pounds, had his jaw wired shut for five weeks and even worse, O.J. killed…sorry, allegedly killed, two people the day before Jose’s surgery so TV was pretty much ruined for the duration of his recovery. Frankly, if Jose’s parents hadn’t kept him focused on it, he probably wouldn’t have applied to college since it came after the surgery. On the up side, Jose did learn how to fit about 1,800 calories into a glass (Note: Ice cream and fruit in heavy syrup are the KEYS.)
Okay digression over. Jose is done trying to bulk up KEYS that have been a little shaky lately with bland material about his orthodonture. Let’s move on to talking about Mosey Nixon’s orthodnture!! No wait looking ahead, looking ahead…that’s it!
The first step is to look backward and note that we are six ahead of Anaheim, the AL West is beating itself to death, and we get to play Tampa and Baltimore. It’s like what Ricky Davis did before he tried the under the legs dunk, he looked back saw that there was no one close, so he could make a mistake and still recover. Only then did he go and do something stupid. Got that? Look back first, then do something stupid. Actually, let Jose amend that. The second step is to actually look forward for just a second. See how we are 3.5 behind the Yankees? Now it possible that we will catch them, but it is improbable. Though they do have a tough series against Minnesota left. Well, are we giving up something good by looking ahead? Hey, if it happens it happens.
So now that we’ve looked both ways, lets start really looking ahead. It looks like the Sox probably are going to play Minnesota, which means we can look forward to one of those Shaughnessy columns comparing Boston with Minnesota. You know, winter in Minnesota 10 months…winter in Boston nine months. Advantage: Boston. Jose can also look forward to not talking to his many friends from Minnesota and growing to really hate Johan Santana. Actually, Jose should give you his big scoop on Johann. Despite his first name…ready? HE ISN’T GERMAN!!!! HE’S NOT AUSTRIAN OR DUTCH EITHER!!! So German SoSH poster ossie schreckengost doesn’t need to sweat it, he can still root for the Sox. (Note: Not that a Geman would care if he was Austrian or Dutch, but he’s not German and that’s the important part.) (Additonal Note: Should we end up playing Anaheim, Jose will explore his suspicion that Vladimir Guerrero is not Russian or even Ukrainian.)
You know what else is good about looking ahead? When a KEY gets really long, rambling and off subject, you can start thinking things like "What will be in KEY 2? Maybe it will be a Tony Castrati Transaltor. No, wait Jose did one of those on Saturday. I bet it’s about Ellis ‘Chicken Man’ Burks." Enough talk, enough chatter, it’s time to throw down. KEY 2 now.
2. Wow the Yankees get to choose between Kevin Brown Esteban Loaiza and Javier Vasquez be their number 4 starter in the playoffs. This is what they call a "good problem." You know, if it’s 2003. In 2004 it’s a bad problem. A very, very bad problem, like a termite infestation or possibly bubonic plague.
3. Jose thinks yesterday was the ultimate proof that Pedro Astacio is not ready to contribute anything on the major league level. Even though he’s pretty skinny, you just have to be able to nail Kenny Lofton with no outs in the eighth inning of a blowout. If you can’t do that, why are we keeping you around? Seriously.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
It's time for Jose Melendez's KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. You know what time it is KEYS fans? Yes, it’s time to start looking ahead. Yes, Jose knows this is contrary to our very natures as Sox fans, we’re always looking over our shoulders, wondering who might be gaining on us, expecting things to go wrong, but trust Jose, let’s look ahead. It’s fun and surprisingly easy.
Jose actually tends to have a lot of trouble looking ahead. If there is something awful or maybe even just unpleasant in Jose’s future, he tends to spend a lot of time fretting about it and seeing anything after it as beyond the void and unworthy of consideration. Jose is actually in such a state right now. He has so much to do at work between now and Thanksgiving that anything after Thanksgiving seems as abstract as a Picasso. (Note: Jose has heard that if one looks at a pointillist painting while on acid, it looks like a realist scene. So here is Jose’s question. If one watched Esteban Loaiza pitch while on acid, would it look like he was pitching well? What about Kevin Brown?)
For Jose the classic example of being unable to look forward was when he had jaw surgery 10 days after high school graduation. Jose knew he was going to have the surgery for about two years, and spent most of that time dreading it. He just couldn’t comprehend the fact that there was going to be a point in his life when the dread surgery was over, so it was hard for him to focus on anything that would happen after. And actually the surgery was awful. Jose lost 30 pounds, had his jaw wired shut for five weeks and even worse, O.J. killed…sorry, allegedly killed, two people the day before Jose’s surgery so TV was pretty much ruined for the duration of his recovery. Frankly, if Jose’s parents hadn’t kept him focused on it, he probably wouldn’t have applied to college since it came after the surgery. On the up side, Jose did learn how to fit about 1,800 calories into a glass (Note: Ice cream and fruit in heavy syrup are the KEYS.)
Okay digression over. Jose is done trying to bulk up KEYS that have been a little shaky lately with bland material about his orthodonture. Let’s move on to talking about Mosey Nixon’s orthodnture!! No wait looking ahead, looking ahead…that’s it!
The first step is to look backward and note that we are six ahead of Anaheim, the AL West is beating itself to death, and we get to play Tampa and Baltimore. It’s like what Ricky Davis did before he tried the under the legs dunk, he looked back saw that there was no one close, so he could make a mistake and still recover. Only then did he go and do something stupid. Got that? Look back first, then do something stupid. Actually, let Jose amend that. The second step is to actually look forward for just a second. See how we are 3.5 behind the Yankees? Now it possible that we will catch them, but it is improbable. Though they do have a tough series against Minnesota left. Well, are we giving up something good by looking ahead? Hey, if it happens it happens.
So now that we’ve looked both ways, lets start really looking ahead. It looks like the Sox probably are going to play Minnesota, which means we can look forward to one of those Shaughnessy columns comparing Boston with Minnesota. You know, winter in Minnesota 10 months…winter in Boston nine months. Advantage: Boston. Jose can also look forward to not talking to his many friends from Minnesota and growing to really hate Johan Santana. Actually, Jose should give you his big scoop on Johann. Despite his first name…ready? HE ISN’T GERMAN!!!! HE’S NOT AUSTRIAN OR DUTCH EITHER!!! So German SoSH poster ossie schreckengost doesn’t need to sweat it, he can still root for the Sox. (Note: Not that a Geman would care if he was Austrian or Dutch, but he’s not German and that’s the important part.) (Additonal Note: Should we end up playing Anaheim, Jose will explore his suspicion that Vladimir Guerrero is not Russian or even Ukrainian.)
You know what else is good about looking ahead? When a KEY gets really long, rambling and off subject, you can start thinking things like "What will be in KEY 2? Maybe it will be a Tony Castrati Transaltor. No, wait Jose did one of those on Saturday. I bet it’s about Ellis ‘Chicken Man’ Burks." Enough talk, enough chatter, it’s time to throw down. KEY 2 now.
2. Wow the Yankees get to choose between Kevin Brown Esteban Loaiza and Javier Vasquez be their number 4 starter in the playoffs. This is what they call a "good problem." You know, if it’s 2003. In 2004 it’s a bad problem. A very, very bad problem, like a termite infestation or possibly bubonic plague.
3. Jose thinks yesterday was the ultimate proof that Pedro Astacio is not ready to contribute anything on the major league level. Even though he’s pretty skinny, you just have to be able to nail Kenny Lofton with no outs in the eighth inning of a blowout. If you can’t do that, why are we keeping you around? Seriously.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. You know what time it is KEYS fans? Yes, it’s time to start looking ahead. Yes, Jose knows this is contrary to our very natures as Sox fans, we’re always looking over our shoulders, wondering who might be gaining on us, expecting things to go wrong, but trust Jose, let’s look ahead. It’s fun and surprisingly easy.
Jose actually tends to have a lot of trouble looking ahead. If there is something awful or maybe even just unpleasant in Jose’s future, he tends to spend a lot of time fretting about it and seeing anything after it as beyond the void and unworthy of consideration. Jose is actually in such a state right now. He has so much to do at work between now and Thanksgiving that anything after Thanksgiving seems as abstract as a Picasso. (Note: Jose has heard that if one looks at a pointillist painting while on acid, it looks like a realist scene. So here is Jose’s question. If one watched Esteban Loaiza pitch while on acid, would it look like he was pitching well? What about Kevin Brown?)
For Jose the classic example of being unable to look forward was when he had jaw surgery 10 days after high school graduation. Jose knew he was going to have the surgery for about two years, and spent most of that time dreading it. He just couldn’t comprehend the fact that there was going to be a point in his life when the dread surgery was over, so it was hard for him to focus on anything that would happen after. And actually the surgery was awful. Jose lost 30 pounds, had his jaw wired shut for five weeks and even worse, O.J. killed…sorry, allegedly killed, two people the day before Jose’s surgery so TV was pretty much ruined for the duration of his recovery. Frankly, if Jose’s parents hadn’t kept him focused on it, he probably wouldn’t have applied to college since it came after the surgery. On the up side, Jose did learn how to fit about 1,800 calories into a glass (Note: Ice cream and fruit in heavy syrup are the KEYS.)
Okay digression over. Jose is done trying to bulk up KEYS that have been a little shaky lately with bland material about his orthodonture. Let’s move on to talking about Mosey Nixon’s orthodnture!! No wait looking ahead, looking ahead…that’s it!
The first step is to look backward and note that we are six ahead of Anaheim, the AL West is beating itself to death, and we get to play Tampa and Baltimore. It’s like what Ricky Davis did before he tried the under the legs dunk, he looked back saw that there was no one close, so he could make a mistake and still recover. Only then did he go and do something stupid. Got that? Look back first, then do something stupid. Actually, let Jose amend that. The second step is to actually look forward for just a second. See how we are 3.5 behind the Yankees? Now it possible that we will catch them, but it is improbable. Though they do have a tough series against Minnesota left. Well, are we giving up something good by looking ahead? Hey, if it happens it happens.
So now that we’ve looked both ways, lets start really looking ahead. It looks like the Sox probably are going to play Minnesota, which means we can look forward to one of those Shaughnessy columns comparing Boston with Minnesota. You know, winter in Minnesota 10 months…winter in Boston nine months. Advantage: Boston. Jose can also look forward to not talking to his many friends from Minnesota and growing to really hate Johan Santana. Actually, Jose should give you his big scoop on Johann. Despite his first name…ready? HE ISN’T GERMAN!!!! HE’S NOT AUSTRIAN OR DUTCH EITHER!!! So German SoSH poster ossie schreckengost doesn’t need to sweat it, he can still root for the Sox. (Note: Not that a Geman would care if he was Austrian or Dutch, but he’s not German and that’s the important part.) (Additonal Note: Should we end up playing Anaheim, Jose will explore his suspicion that Vladimir Guerrero is not Russian or even Ukrainian.)
You know what else is good about looking ahead? When a KEY gets really long, rambling and off subject, you can start thinking things like "What will be in KEY 2? Maybe it will be a Tony Castrati Transaltor. No, wait Jose did one of those on Saturday. I bet it’s about Ellis ‘Chicken Man’ Burks." Enough talk, enough chatter, it’s time to throw down. KEY 2 now.
2. Wow the Yankees get to choose between Kevin Brown Esteban Loaiza and Javier Vasquez be their number 4 starter in the playoffs. This is what they call a "good problem." You know, if it’s 2003. In 2004 it’s a bad problem. A very, very bad problem, like a termite infestation or possibly bubonic plague.
3. Jose thinks yesterday was the ultimate proof that Pedro Astacio is not ready to contribute anything on the major league level. Even though he’s pretty skinny, you just have to be able to nail Kenny Lofton with no outs in the eighth inning of a blowout. If you can’t do that, why are we keeping you around? Seriously.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Sunday, September 26
From SoSH: Re: 9/26: NY v. Bos: Brown v. Schilling
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose has a theory on C. J. Nitkowski’s miserable relief performance for the Yankees last night. Earlier in the year, Jose wrote about how Nitkowski’s once fine baseball Web site had changed to a evangelical Christian Web site, reflecting the fact that he had been born again. If he wants to express his faith, that’s fine, but he shouldn’t let it get in the way of baseball. Jose has this theory that Johnny Damon went over to Nitkowski and said, "C.J. Nitkowski, it is I, your savior, and I command you to pitch terribly against the Red Sox." Afraid to anger his God, Nitkowski delivered the requisite bomb.
Alternatively, Nitkowski is just a terrible, terrible pitcher.
2. Amazingly, Kevin Brown will attempt to pitch for the Yankees today despite a left hand that’s as broken as the Yankees farm system. The Yankees are addressing the injury by giving Brown a glove with extra padding. This is really a case of treating the symptom rather than the cause isn’t it? A padded glove does nothing to address Brown’s almost unrivaled stupidity. Jose is please to report that the Yankees are working on a therapy for that as well. Reportedly, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has been reading "Flowers for Algernon" over and over in the hope that he can learn the secrets of the remarkable intelligence boosting surgery it documents. Jose, would suggest that Steinbrenner watch some Simpsons as well and then look to see if Brown has any crayons in his brain.
3. A few tidbits from between the line of Shaughnessy’s column today.
"Derek Jeter…and…Alex Rodriguez…trading…blow after blow." (Note: Working blue again Dan? You never seem to get tired of the sexual innuendo.)
"Leather wielding…Leonardo Dicaprio…. …can…hunt down…George Steinbrenner…at wedding and bar mitzvahs." (Note: Whatever you say Dan.)
"We’re all hoping…Karate Kid…gets better….if…we…sit and watch. (Note: It does, but Jose would stay away from the Karate Kid stuff. Bill Simmons, pretty much has that market cornered.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose has a theory on C. J. Nitkowski’s miserable relief performance for the Yankees last night. Earlier in the year, Jose wrote about how Nitkowski’s once fine baseball Web site had changed to a evangelical Christian Web site, reflecting the fact that he had been born again. If he wants to express his faith, that’s fine, but he shouldn’t let it get in the way of baseball. Jose has this theory that Johnny Damon went over to Nitkowski and said, "C.J. Nitkowski, it is I, your savior, and I command you to pitch terribly against the Red Sox." Afraid to anger his God, Nitkowski delivered the requisite bomb.
Alternatively, Nitkowski is just a terrible, terrible pitcher.
2. Amazingly, Kevin Brown will attempt to pitch for the Yankees today despite a left hand that’s as broken as the Yankees farm system. The Yankees are addressing the injury by giving Brown a glove with extra padding. This is really a case of treating the symptom rather than the cause isn’t it? A padded glove does nothing to address Brown’s almost unrivaled stupidity. Jose is please to report that the Yankees are working on a therapy for that as well. Reportedly, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has been reading "Flowers for Algernon" over and over in the hope that he can learn the secrets of the remarkable intelligence boosting surgery it documents. Jose, would suggest that Steinbrenner watch some Simpsons as well and then look to see if Brown has any crayons in his brain.
3. A few tidbits from between the line of Shaughnessy’s column today.
"Derek Jeter…and…Alex Rodriguez…trading…blow after blow." (Note: Working blue again Dan? You never seem to get tired of the sexual innuendo.)
"Leather wielding…Leonardo Dicaprio…. …can…hunt down…George Steinbrenner…at wedding and bar mitzvahs." (Note: Whatever you say Dan.)
"We’re all hoping…Karate Kid…gets better….if…we…sit and watch. (Note: It does, but Jose would stay away from the Karate Kid stuff. Bill Simmons, pretty much has that market cornered.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Saturday, September 25
From SoSH: Re: 9/25: NY v. Bos: Vasquez v. Wakefield
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yes, yes Jose knows last night didn’t go as planned. Yes, yes Jose was incredulous that Eurona left Pedro in to pitch the eighth. Yes, yes it felt eerily similar to Game 7 of last year’s ALCS. Jose knows all of these things, but he also knows something else – IT WAS NOT THE SAME!!!
This was not the ALCS, Eurona is not Gump, and this game was not a bellwether no matter how much the local mediots would like to pretend it is. Eurona may not have made the right decision last night, but he made it on the basis of actual information about matchups, pitch counts and performance. By contrast, Grady always seemed to make decisions on the basis of whim.
Contrary to popular belief, we did not get mugged last night. We got mugged in Game 7. It rattled us; it shook us up; it left us feeling wary and scared and sensitive. As a result, when we see something that looks a little similar, it’s deeply upsetting, even if it is completely different. In other words, we got mugged last October, so when we see someone get mugged on TV now, it brings back all of the old memories and makes us nuts, even thought there’s no one holding a switchblade demanding our wallets. But you know the funny thing about this kind of stress? Sometimes it makes people a little crazy. It make them go looking for the mugger with a baseball bat. And do you know what they do when they find them? Revenge. Sweet revenge.
2. Jose is pretty BS after last night’s debacle. And you know what that means? Yup, he’s going to take it out on Tony Castrati.
What TC says: "The fans scolded him, the way they would have scolded Grady Little if he ever had been allowed to return. "
What TC means: See they should have brought Grady back. Same difference. That guy was so cool.
What TC says: "Terry Francona made the wrong decision at the wrong time against the wrong opponent"
What TC means: If I was managing, I would have made the wrong decision at the right time against the wrong opponent. That would have been way better.
What TC says: "So what do Red Sox officials do now, fire this manager, too?"
What TC means: You can’t fire the reporters so fire the manager. Go ahead…you fired Grady for it so you can’t be hypocrites now. I mean it’s not like Grady was an awful game manager who was chronically underprepared long before game 7 or anything.
What TC says: " Francona had nothing to do with that . . . until now."
What TC means: Last night’s game opened a rift in the state time continuum that allowed Eurona to travel back in time to Game 7, where he had one mission – to stop Grady Little. But instead, he just looked at him and said. "That’s some good managing Grady."
What TC says: "In the end, the damage here is minimal."
What TC means: But the sky is still falling down.
What TC says: "And those who forget history are condemned to repeat it."
What TC says: You know, I completely forgot about World War I. I mean, I know it existed, but I don’t know what happened or who was in it. It thing that means there is gonna be another big war between some countries, some place about something soon, maybe between Mexico and Peru or something.
3. After last night’s debacle. Pedro Martinez made a puzzling comment. According to the Globe he said "I just tip my cap and call the Yankees my daddy." That sound really weird and almost defeatist, if you don’t know that Pedro calls the Toronto Blue Jays "Mommy," The Chicago White Sox "Ramon," and the Seattle Mariners "Jesus."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yes, yes Jose knows last night didn’t go as planned. Yes, yes Jose was incredulous that Eurona left Pedro in to pitch the eighth. Yes, yes it felt eerily similar to Game 7 of last year’s ALCS. Jose knows all of these things, but he also knows something else – IT WAS NOT THE SAME!!!
This was not the ALCS, Eurona is not Gump, and this game was not a bellwether no matter how much the local mediots would like to pretend it is. Eurona may not have made the right decision last night, but he made it on the basis of actual information about matchups, pitch counts and performance. By contrast, Grady always seemed to make decisions on the basis of whim.
Contrary to popular belief, we did not get mugged last night. We got mugged in Game 7. It rattled us; it shook us up; it left us feeling wary and scared and sensitive. As a result, when we see something that looks a little similar, it’s deeply upsetting, even if it is completely different. In other words, we got mugged last October, so when we see someone get mugged on TV now, it brings back all of the old memories and makes us nuts, even thought there’s no one holding a switchblade demanding our wallets. But you know the funny thing about this kind of stress? Sometimes it makes people a little crazy. It make them go looking for the mugger with a baseball bat. And do you know what they do when they find them? Revenge. Sweet revenge.
2. Jose is pretty BS after last night’s debacle. And you know what that means? Yup, he’s going to take it out on Tony Castrati.
What TC says: "The fans scolded him, the way they would have scolded Grady Little if he ever had been allowed to return. "
What TC means: See they should have brought Grady back. Same difference. That guy was so cool.
What TC says: "Terry Francona made the wrong decision at the wrong time against the wrong opponent"
What TC means: If I was managing, I would have made the wrong decision at the right time against the wrong opponent. That would have been way better.
What TC says: "So what do Red Sox officials do now, fire this manager, too?"
What TC means: You can’t fire the reporters so fire the manager. Go ahead…you fired Grady for it so you can’t be hypocrites now. I mean it’s not like Grady was an awful game manager who was chronically underprepared long before game 7 or anything.
What TC says: " Francona had nothing to do with that . . . until now."
What TC means: Last night’s game opened a rift in the state time continuum that allowed Eurona to travel back in time to Game 7, where he had one mission – to stop Grady Little. But instead, he just looked at him and said. "That’s some good managing Grady."
What TC says: "In the end, the damage here is minimal."
What TC means: But the sky is still falling down.
What TC says: "And those who forget history are condemned to repeat it."
What TC says: You know, I completely forgot about World War I. I mean, I know it existed, but I don’t know what happened or who was in it. It thing that means there is gonna be another big war between some countries, some place about something soon, maybe between Mexico and Peru or something.
3. After last night’s debacle. Pedro Martinez made a puzzling comment. According to the Globe he said "I just tip my cap and call the Yankees my daddy." That sound really weird and almost defeatist, if you don’t know that Pedro calls the Toronto Blue Jays "Mommy," The Chicago White Sox "Ramon," and the Seattle Mariners "Jesus."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, September 24
From SoSH: Re: Sept 24 - No more Mister Nice Guy
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose watched the game last night from the glamorous .406 Club where Jose is pretty sure the four beers he drank cost more than his watch. Despite the Sox loss, this visit to the .406 club went far better than Jose’s previous visit. At least this time no one got fired. Jose’s only other appearance there was in 2001 at a Sox-Yankees game, and the coworker who brought him was fired for abusing client relationships. Jose went undisciplined. Actually, Jose is pretty sure that they’d wanted to get rid of the guy for a long time and this was their excuse. (Note: Could the Sox use this as an excuse to axe Dale Sveum?
Henry: You used your influence to go to a ballgame.
Sveum: Um…I work at the games.
Henry: That’s no excuse, you’re fired. Go home.
Sveum: You’re sending me home for no good reason.
Henry: Now you know how it feels.)
Jose went as the guest of SoSHer Lefty on the Mound, who also took the hint that John Henry would not, and gave Jose a ticket in order to increase the chances of a Sox win to 80 percent. (Note: Jose got his playoff ticket rejection today. Good to see, they’re taking the playoffs seriously.)
Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Jose the Sox have lost the last two games you’ve attended. Are you bad luck now? Should I take the playoff tickets I was planning to give you and give them to orphans instead?”
No! There are two perfectly reasonable explanations either of which should make you feel good about giving Jose tickets. First, the last two games Jose went to, both losses were the only two times this year Jose sat in elite seats, the .406 Club and on the monster seats. So when Jose sits with the people in the bleachers or right field, the team is 9-1. Jose is, after all, a man of the people.
The second, and far more likely possibility is that since Jose was on to a new cycle of ten, he had two losses to spend, and he just spent one. In other words, since the Sox went 8-2 in Jose’s first 10 appearances, they will go 8-2 in the next ten. Since they are now 0-1, that means they will go 8-1 in the next nine Jose attends this year. Therefore, if they lose tonight (Note: Jose will be in the bleachers) any other game Jose visits this year is a sure thing!!! Don’t bother checking with a statistician, just trust Jose on this. It’s not like he failed his Statistics 112 final. (Note: He got a D+. Stupid Analysis of Variance.) So send along those offers.
Unfortunately, Lefty on the Mound had a really bad cold last night and left around the 5th, leaving Jose do watch the game with two Dominican brothers, both named Manny, who work with Lefty and have a brother named Ranier who plays A Ball in Billings, Montana for the Reds. This means that when they visit their brother. He can introduce them “Hi, I’m Rainer, this is my brother Manny and this is my other brother Manny.” But clearly, Jose watched the game with two Dominican brothers and not two clearly insane people. (Note: He did watch an insane person pitch for the Sox, however.)
Today Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.
(Image of Lefty and his father playing catch.
(Voiceover) “Lefty on the Mound used to play lots of ball. That was back when breathing came easy. But on September 23, something went horribly wrong.”
(shift to footage of lefty hacking)
All of a sudden, even watching the game he loved to play became a burden to heavy for one man to bear.
As his Bronchia spasmed, so did the pitching of his beloved Red Sox.
(Cue footage Tejada launching a missile up over the monster. Cue song “Leaving on a Jet Plane”)
His score card unfinished, his peanuts uneaten, Lefty left the game he loved at the midway point, simply unable to fight off the illness that was overtaking him.
(Cue shot of empty seats, fade to pair of baseball gloves lying in a back yard, unused.)
Today Lefty is recovering, but the game can never be recaptured, the events can never be undone, and the pain, it lingers, lingers like smoke, lingers like the taste of garlic, lingers like BK Kim fastball, always there just below the brave face he puts on.
That’s why Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.
(Note: Maybe this KEY can’t be of the highest quality, but it can at least be far too long!!!)
2. Today Jose begins what may become a weekly feature, the Eric Kneel Neighborhood Watch. The idea is that just like a real neighborhood watch, we work together to make sure nothing is stolen.
What Eric Kneel says: “The difference between good snarky (Jon Stewart) and bad snarky (Dennis Miller)”
Who Eric Kneel should have cited: Daniel Manus Pinkwater author of The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death,” and “The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror.
What EK says: “A guy's got to be good. Numbers count.”
Who EK should have cited: Bill James, Eric Van, that weird guy of Duquette’s with the alligators, Karl Rove and possibly this bookie named Bruno.
What EK says: His name means "friend of God,"
Who EK should have cited: Jesus, Buddah, Zoroaster, Zeus, Allah, Thor, Kevin Youkilis.
What EK says: “Meanwhile, the Page 2 MLB All-Star team organizing committee (which is pretty much just me) has made it clear that a recount is out of the question”
Who EK should have cited: Katherine Harris, the U.S. Supreme Court.
What EK says: “The Vladi Daddy, whose every thing, from bow-legged walk to tar-burnished batting helmet, is a Page 2 All-Star teamish sort of thing par excellence.”
Who EK should have cited: Every pretentious guy who tries to make things sound more emphatic by using French phrases.
What EK says: “The guy had the endorsement of North Dakota's governor”
Who EK should have cited: North Dakota Governor John Hoeven, potentially Governor Umlaut.
What EK says: “Fans who, if given the chance, will rip your heart out of your chest and grill it with onions, butter and a touch of garlic.”
Who EK should have cited: Julia Child. That is a Julia Child recipe, was a Julia Child recipe and will always be a Julia Child recipe. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean you can just take it, and pass it off as your own, and with the Betty Crocker cook off just weeks away.
(Note: Eric, Seriously, good column, especially the part about Michael Barrett. Oh God, did Jose offend you? He did, didn’t he? Oh no, oh no, oh Dear God no.)
3. It’s always good to see Major League Baseball protecting the integrity of the game by banning senile old men like Johnny Pesky from the bench. Jose only wishes they had ban them last year at this time. Then Grady wouldn’t have been there for the playoffs. (Note: Johnny Pesky is awesome, Jose just needed to set up the Grady joke.)
In related news, the right field foul pole has been renamed Selig’s stick.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose watched the game last night from the glamorous .406 Club where Jose is pretty sure the four beers he drank cost more than his watch. Despite the Sox loss, this visit to the .406 club went far better than Jose’s previous visit. At least this time no one got fired. Jose’s only other appearance there was in 2001 at a Sox-Yankees game, and the coworker who brought him was fired for abusing client relationships. Jose went undisciplined. Actually, Jose is pretty sure that they’d wanted to get rid of the guy for a long time and this was their excuse. (Note: Could the Sox use this as an excuse to axe Dale Sveum?
Henry: You used your influence to go to a ballgame.
Sveum: Um…I work at the games.
Henry: That’s no excuse, you’re fired. Go home.
Sveum: You’re sending me home for no good reason.
Henry: Now you know how it feels.)
Jose went as the guest of SoSHer Lefty on the Mound, who also took the hint that John Henry would not, and gave Jose a ticket in order to increase the chances of a Sox win to 80 percent. (Note: Jose got his playoff ticket rejection today. Good to see, they’re taking the playoffs seriously.)
Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Jose the Sox have lost the last two games you’ve attended. Are you bad luck now? Should I take the playoff tickets I was planning to give you and give them to orphans instead?”
No! There are two perfectly reasonable explanations either of which should make you feel good about giving Jose tickets. First, the last two games Jose went to, both losses were the only two times this year Jose sat in elite seats, the .406 Club and on the monster seats. So when Jose sits with the people in the bleachers or right field, the team is 9-1. Jose is, after all, a man of the people.
The second, and far more likely possibility is that since Jose was on to a new cycle of ten, he had two losses to spend, and he just spent one. In other words, since the Sox went 8-2 in Jose’s first 10 appearances, they will go 8-2 in the next ten. Since they are now 0-1, that means they will go 8-1 in the next nine Jose attends this year. Therefore, if they lose tonight (Note: Jose will be in the bleachers) any other game Jose visits this year is a sure thing!!! Don’t bother checking with a statistician, just trust Jose on this. It’s not like he failed his Statistics 112 final. (Note: He got a D+. Stupid Analysis of Variance.) So send along those offers.
Unfortunately, Lefty on the Mound had a really bad cold last night and left around the 5th, leaving Jose do watch the game with two Dominican brothers, both named Manny, who work with Lefty and have a brother named Ranier who plays A Ball in Billings, Montana for the Reds. This means that when they visit their brother. He can introduce them “Hi, I’m Rainer, this is my brother Manny and this is my other brother Manny.” But clearly, Jose watched the game with two Dominican brothers and not two clearly insane people. (Note: He did watch an insane person pitch for the Sox, however.)
Today Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.
(Image of Lefty and his father playing catch.
(Voiceover) “Lefty on the Mound used to play lots of ball. That was back when breathing came easy. But on September 23, something went horribly wrong.”
(shift to footage of lefty hacking)
All of a sudden, even watching the game he loved to play became a burden to heavy for one man to bear.
As his Bronchia spasmed, so did the pitching of his beloved Red Sox.
(Cue footage Tejada launching a missile up over the monster. Cue song “Leaving on a Jet Plane”)
His score card unfinished, his peanuts uneaten, Lefty left the game he loved at the midway point, simply unable to fight off the illness that was overtaking him.
(Cue shot of empty seats, fade to pair of baseball gloves lying in a back yard, unused.)
Today Lefty is recovering, but the game can never be recaptured, the events can never be undone, and the pain, it lingers, lingers like smoke, lingers like the taste of garlic, lingers like BK Kim fastball, always there just below the brave face he puts on.
That’s why Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.
(Note: Maybe this KEY can’t be of the highest quality, but it can at least be far too long!!!)
2. Today Jose begins what may become a weekly feature, the Eric Kneel Neighborhood Watch. The idea is that just like a real neighborhood watch, we work together to make sure nothing is stolen.
What Eric Kneel says: “The difference between good snarky (Jon Stewart) and bad snarky (Dennis Miller)”
Who Eric Kneel should have cited: Daniel Manus Pinkwater author of The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death,” and “The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror.
What EK says: “A guy's got to be good. Numbers count.”
Who EK should have cited: Bill James, Eric Van, that weird guy of Duquette’s with the alligators, Karl Rove and possibly this bookie named Bruno.
What EK says: His name means "friend of God,"
Who EK should have cited: Jesus, Buddah, Zoroaster, Zeus, Allah, Thor, Kevin Youkilis.
What EK says: “Meanwhile, the Page 2 MLB All-Star team organizing committee (which is pretty much just me) has made it clear that a recount is out of the question”
Who EK should have cited: Katherine Harris, the U.S. Supreme Court.
What EK says: “The Vladi Daddy, whose every thing, from bow-legged walk to tar-burnished batting helmet, is a Page 2 All-Star teamish sort of thing par excellence.”
Who EK should have cited: Every pretentious guy who tries to make things sound more emphatic by using French phrases.
What EK says: “The guy had the endorsement of North Dakota's governor”
Who EK should have cited: North Dakota Governor John Hoeven, potentially Governor Umlaut.
What EK says: “Fans who, if given the chance, will rip your heart out of your chest and grill it with onions, butter and a touch of garlic.”
Who EK should have cited: Julia Child. That is a Julia Child recipe, was a Julia Child recipe and will always be a Julia Child recipe. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean you can just take it, and pass it off as your own, and with the Betty Crocker cook off just weeks away.
(Note: Eric, Seriously, good column, especially the part about Michael Barrett. Oh God, did Jose offend you? He did, didn’t he? Oh no, oh no, oh Dear God no.)
3. It’s always good to see Major League Baseball protecting the integrity of the game by banning senile old men like Johnny Pesky from the bench. Jose only wishes they had ban them last year at this time. Then Grady wouldn’t have been there for the playoffs. (Note: Johnny Pesky is awesome, Jose just needed to set up the Grady joke.)
In related news, the right field foul pole has been renamed Selig’s stick.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, September 23
From SoSH: 9/23 - BAL @ BOS
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Last night Sox second baseman Euro Bellhorn (Note: Who is not a looker. Jose can’t believe women find him attractive.) broke two of baseball’s greatest records. He became the Red Sox single season strike out king and the major league single season switch hitting strike out king.
But where was the celebration? Where was the sign on the green monster counting up as Bellhorn inched closer to the magic numbers of 161 and 162? Where were Butch Hobson’s children hugging Bellhorn, with tears in their eyes, knowing that their father had been almost erased from the record books. From now on, their father is the Sox strike out king no more. The only records Butch Hobson holds now is the most Sox games managed while high on cocaine. (Note: And Jose has doubts about that one. All of the signs certainly suggest Grady was on crack last year.) Why didn’t Bellhorn have a special glove with 161 and 162 embroidered on them? Why didn’t Special K cereal or Kmart sponsor the event? Why wasn’t the game stopped so the commissioner could present Bellhorn with a K car? Why didn’t the Bills invite him to Buffalo to run the K Gun offense? Why is there no parade down K street in Southie?
And Belhorn’s accomplishment is special. In this day and age, when so many records are tainted by allegations of steroid use, no one has suggested that Bellhorn used performance enhancing drugs to help him strike out more often. Baseball is supposed to be the sport, more than any other, that honors its records and its history. Last night that didn’t happen, and it’s just sad.
2. Speaking of records, Jose set a record for opening day merchandise sales yesterday with 0.00. That’s right, Jose didn’t even buy his own stuff on Day 1. KEYS MERCHANDISE Pretty sweet, huh? Since that is the lowest possible number, Jose can never be expelled from the record books. Interestingly, those sales figures are identical to Keith Foulke’s ERA for the rest of the year. Spooky.
3. How amazing was Orlando Cabrera’s performance last night? He went from Bogota to Boston, to hero in one day with his walk off homer in the 12th. That said, there will be a price to pay. Apparently his wife was not happy with his decision to leave her side, but The OC, our hero, was willing to risk a life time of resentment to save the Red Sox. All in all, Jose thinks it was a good trade off. (Note: Though some one needs to explain jet lag to him. It is not something one gets on a trip from Columbia to Boston, as they are in the same time zone. One of Jose’s bosses tried this once. She was frazzled at a meeting and said, “I’m sorry I’m not completely organized, I just flew in and have a little jet lag. “Boss,” Jose replied. “Jose is almost sure that Miami is in the same time zone as Boston.” In related news, Jose had a hard time getting promoted at that company.)
But what’s more amazing still, is that in addition to playing shortstop for the Sox tonight, Cabrera also appears to be pitching for the Orioles, if Jose is to believe the papers. After all, there couldn’t be more than one Cabrera in baseball right? Right?
I'm Jose Melendez, (and not two clearly insane people) and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Last night Sox second baseman Euro Bellhorn (Note: Who is not a looker. Jose can’t believe women find him attractive.) broke two of baseball’s greatest records. He became the Red Sox single season strike out king and the major league single season switch hitting strike out king.
But where was the celebration? Where was the sign on the green monster counting up as Bellhorn inched closer to the magic numbers of 161 and 162? Where were Butch Hobson’s children hugging Bellhorn, with tears in their eyes, knowing that their father had been almost erased from the record books. From now on, their father is the Sox strike out king no more. The only records Butch Hobson holds now is the most Sox games managed while high on cocaine. (Note: And Jose has doubts about that one. All of the signs certainly suggest Grady was on crack last year.) Why didn’t Bellhorn have a special glove with 161 and 162 embroidered on them? Why didn’t Special K cereal or Kmart sponsor the event? Why wasn’t the game stopped so the commissioner could present Bellhorn with a K car? Why didn’t the Bills invite him to Buffalo to run the K Gun offense? Why is there no parade down K street in Southie?
And Belhorn’s accomplishment is special. In this day and age, when so many records are tainted by allegations of steroid use, no one has suggested that Bellhorn used performance enhancing drugs to help him strike out more often. Baseball is supposed to be the sport, more than any other, that honors its records and its history. Last night that didn’t happen, and it’s just sad.
2. Speaking of records, Jose set a record for opening day merchandise sales yesterday with 0.00. That’s right, Jose didn’t even buy his own stuff on Day 1. KEYS MERCHANDISE Pretty sweet, huh? Since that is the lowest possible number, Jose can never be expelled from the record books. Interestingly, those sales figures are identical to Keith Foulke’s ERA for the rest of the year. Spooky.
3. How amazing was Orlando Cabrera’s performance last night? He went from Bogota to Boston, to hero in one day with his walk off homer in the 12th. That said, there will be a price to pay. Apparently his wife was not happy with his decision to leave her side, but The OC, our hero, was willing to risk a life time of resentment to save the Red Sox. All in all, Jose thinks it was a good trade off. (Note: Though some one needs to explain jet lag to him. It is not something one gets on a trip from Columbia to Boston, as they are in the same time zone. One of Jose’s bosses tried this once. She was frazzled at a meeting and said, “I’m sorry I’m not completely organized, I just flew in and have a little jet lag. “Boss,” Jose replied. “Jose is almost sure that Miami is in the same time zone as Boston.” In related news, Jose had a hard time getting promoted at that company.)
But what’s more amazing still, is that in addition to playing shortstop for the Sox tonight, Cabrera also appears to be pitching for the Orioles, if Jose is to believe the papers. After all, there couldn’t be more than one Cabrera in baseball right? Right?
I'm Jose Melendez, (and not two clearly insane people) and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wednesday, September 22
From SoSH: 9/22 - BAL @ BOS
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Good news!!! Jose has a snazzy new logo that should not warrant a cease and desist order. That means that you can now get genuine Jose Melendez gear off of the blog. You know, if you want to.
1. Jose saw the lengthy Globe story on the Red Sox scalping crackdown and it made him sad. Not sad that the Red Sox are trying to halt scalping, while Jose has bought a ticket or two from a scalper, he generally hates the business, but sad that on a day when the Museum of the American Indian opened in Washington D.C., we still use an American Indian reference to describe such a despicable practice. In protest, Jose will now refer to reselling tickets at higher value as “ticket killing off entire peoples with smallpox, stealing their lands and forcing them onto reservations,” or “Ticket Custering” for short and people who sell these tickets will be referred to as “Custers.”
2. The Red Sox finally did it; they made Jose shout an obscenity in his mother’s ear. Jose was on the phone with his mother when Foulke gave up the go ahead homer. “MOTHER F*CKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jose yelled. His mother had not realized he was watching the game while they chatted until that point. After about 30 seconds of being surprised and perhaps a little appalled (Note: Though Susan Melendez has been known to use a little coarse language herself) she replied, “You’re watching the Red Sox aren’t you.” Of course, if you know Jose that was an easy guess.
The only other thing that could have made Jose scream the MF word would have been if he’d seen John Kerry on TV vowing to take as much abuse as possible or John Bradshaw Layfield made WWF champion. (Note: What, the second one happened? Mother f--).
3. The final Jerry’s list is of Clearly Insane Jerry’s, and it only has two, rather than one.
1) Jerry Sizzler
2) Jerry Sizzler
Bonus mojo to anyone who knows why this list exists. (Note: Not that Jose believes in mojo.) And no Googling it.(Note: Jose knows these KEYS are short and blah, but that’s the kind of day it is…well, long and blah actually, but the point holds.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Good news!!! Jose has a snazzy new logo that should not warrant a cease and desist order. That means that you can now get genuine Jose Melendez gear off of the blog. You know, if you want to.
1. Jose saw the lengthy Globe story on the Red Sox scalping crackdown and it made him sad. Not sad that the Red Sox are trying to halt scalping, while Jose has bought a ticket or two from a scalper, he generally hates the business, but sad that on a day when the Museum of the American Indian opened in Washington D.C., we still use an American Indian reference to describe such a despicable practice. In protest, Jose will now refer to reselling tickets at higher value as “ticket killing off entire peoples with smallpox, stealing their lands and forcing them onto reservations,” or “Ticket Custering” for short and people who sell these tickets will be referred to as “Custers.”
2. The Red Sox finally did it; they made Jose shout an obscenity in his mother’s ear. Jose was on the phone with his mother when Foulke gave up the go ahead homer. “MOTHER F*CKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jose yelled. His mother had not realized he was watching the game while they chatted until that point. After about 30 seconds of being surprised and perhaps a little appalled (Note: Though Susan Melendez has been known to use a little coarse language herself) she replied, “You’re watching the Red Sox aren’t you.” Of course, if you know Jose that was an easy guess.
The only other thing that could have made Jose scream the MF word would have been if he’d seen John Kerry on TV vowing to take as much abuse as possible or John Bradshaw Layfield made WWF champion. (Note: What, the second one happened? Mother f--).
3. The final Jerry’s list is of Clearly Insane Jerry’s, and it only has two, rather than one.
1) Jerry Sizzler
2) Jerry Sizzler
Bonus mojo to anyone who knows why this list exists. (Note: Not that Jose believes in mojo.) And no Googling it.(Note: Jose knows these KEYS are short and blah, but that’s the kind of day it is…well, long and blah actually, but the point holds.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, September 21
MERACHNDISE IS BACK ON
Good news!!! KEYS merchandise is back on line with a new logo that can't possibly piss off Jose's beloved Red Sox.
Check it out at http://www.cafepress.com/keystothegame
Check it out at http://www.cafepress.com/keystothegame
From SoSH: Re: 9/21 – BAL @ BOS
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. This was supposed to be the KEY where Jose told you about how an act of kindness secured a Sox win last night. This was going to be where Jose told you of how a SoSH poster named lushess255 took the hint that John W. Henry would not and gave Jose the ticket needed to secure victory last night, giving freely, asking nothing more than beer and chicken wings in return. But they screwed it up. A bases loaded walk, a sour pickle and the Sox bowed. That said Jose would like you all to remember that the Sox are still a robust 8-2 in games attended by Jose , so Jose will be accepting offers of free tickets from here on in from John Henry or anyone else who would like an 80 percent chance of a Sox victory.
Instead, Jose presents this first installment of Jose’s People. A look at the people whose lives have been touched by KEYS, in a style stolen from Kent’s People/Bart’s People from the Simpsons. (Note: If you say you’re stealing something it’s not illegal/wrong. Right? Right?)
(Voiceover) “ A passionate Red Sox fan, lushess255 has been to 30 games this year.”
(Cue crack of the bat and roaring crowds)
“But what happens, when the crowds…go quiet.”
(Cue violin)
“After his beloved Red Sox fell to the Yankees last Sunday, lushess255 was inconsolable. The clicking of the keyboard, the only interruption in his symphony of disappointment. Another shot at a division title…gone…
(Cue “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” image of Sheffield homer run.)
“But in the age of the Internet, one can never truly suffer alone.”
(Cue Bonds 700th Image)
“Jose Melendez’s observation that Barry Bonds’ record breaking Home Run would be like Ben Johnson’s 100m victory”
(Fade to Johnson)
“Or Rosie Ruiz’s Boston Marathon win”
(Fade to Rosie,)
“Threw a life preserver to lushess255 and pulled him out of his ocean of despair.”
(Cue Stars and Stripes Forever fade to image of Jose and lushess255 in shaking hands in front of a waving American Flag)
“And that’s why lushess255 is ONE OF JOSE’S PEOPLE.”
2. So Jose’s merchandise got yanked yesterday for too closely approximating the Red Sox logo. Jose disagrees with this assessment, but he can understand cafepress’s desire to avoid frivolous lawsuits. But it is okay, as Jose is working with new logos that should be up in a day or two. It is ironic that this act of censorship comes as the Red Sox face their own lawsuit suggesting that they are too closely approximating a playoff team. If you’re having trouble telling them apart from an actual playoff team, just look closely for the shoddy workmanship. Also, don’t buy baseball team’s from alleys or basements in Chinatown, those are almost assuredly pale imitations of playoff teams. (Note: Yes, Jose knows he shouldn’t be so negative, and he isn’t really, but he is just plain grumpy about last night’s game, and three straight awful starts.)
3. Put the children to bed, and send off the feint of heart. Here come the evil Jerrys:
1)Jerry Falwell
2)Jerry Lewis
3)Jerry Springer
4)Jerry MaGuire
5)Jerry Tarkanian
(Were his players at Fresno really arrested for robbing someone with a Samurai sword?
6)Elbridge Gerry
(Inventor of the Gerrymander, though Gerry has a hard G)
7)Geri Haliwell (aka Ginger Spice)
8)Jerry Jones
9)Jerry Bruckheimer
10)Jerry Williams (The miserable talk radio host)
Coming tomorrow: A surprising third list of Jerrys
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. This was supposed to be the KEY where Jose told you about how an act of kindness secured a Sox win last night. This was going to be where Jose told you of how a SoSH poster named lushess255 took the hint that John W. Henry would not and gave Jose the ticket needed to secure victory last night, giving freely, asking nothing more than beer and chicken wings in return. But they screwed it up. A bases loaded walk, a sour pickle and the Sox bowed. That said Jose would like you all to remember that the Sox are still a robust 8-2 in games attended by Jose , so Jose will be accepting offers of free tickets from here on in from John Henry or anyone else who would like an 80 percent chance of a Sox victory.
Instead, Jose presents this first installment of Jose’s People. A look at the people whose lives have been touched by KEYS, in a style stolen from Kent’s People/Bart’s People from the Simpsons. (Note: If you say you’re stealing something it’s not illegal/wrong. Right? Right?)
(Voiceover) “ A passionate Red Sox fan, lushess255 has been to 30 games this year.”
(Cue crack of the bat and roaring crowds)
“But what happens, when the crowds…go quiet.”
(Cue violin)
“After his beloved Red Sox fell to the Yankees last Sunday, lushess255 was inconsolable. The clicking of the keyboard, the only interruption in his symphony of disappointment. Another shot at a division title…gone…
(Cue “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” image of Sheffield homer run.)
“But in the age of the Internet, one can never truly suffer alone.”
(Cue Bonds 700th Image)
“Jose Melendez’s observation that Barry Bonds’ record breaking Home Run would be like Ben Johnson’s 100m victory”
(Fade to Johnson)
“Or Rosie Ruiz’s Boston Marathon win”
(Fade to Rosie,)
“Threw a life preserver to lushess255 and pulled him out of his ocean of despair.”
(Cue Stars and Stripes Forever fade to image of Jose and lushess255 in shaking hands in front of a waving American Flag)
“And that’s why lushess255 is ONE OF JOSE’S PEOPLE.”
2. So Jose’s merchandise got yanked yesterday for too closely approximating the Red Sox logo. Jose disagrees with this assessment, but he can understand cafepress’s desire to avoid frivolous lawsuits. But it is okay, as Jose is working with new logos that should be up in a day or two. It is ironic that this act of censorship comes as the Red Sox face their own lawsuit suggesting that they are too closely approximating a playoff team. If you’re having trouble telling them apart from an actual playoff team, just look closely for the shoddy workmanship. Also, don’t buy baseball team’s from alleys or basements in Chinatown, those are almost assuredly pale imitations of playoff teams. (Note: Yes, Jose knows he shouldn’t be so negative, and he isn’t really, but he is just plain grumpy about last night’s game, and three straight awful starts.)
3. Put the children to bed, and send off the feint of heart. Here come the evil Jerrys:
1)Jerry Falwell
2)Jerry Lewis
3)Jerry Springer
4)Jerry MaGuire
5)Jerry Tarkanian
(Were his players at Fresno really arrested for robbing someone with a Samurai sword?
6)Elbridge Gerry
(Inventor of the Gerrymander, though Gerry has a hard G)
7)Geri Haliwell (aka Ginger Spice)
8)Jerry Jones
9)Jerry Bruckheimer
10)Jerry Williams (The miserable talk radio host)
Coming tomorrow: A surprising third list of Jerrys
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Monday, September 20
KEYS TO COMMERCE UPDATE
So Cafepress is doing some verification on the logos. They may feel that it is too close to the Red Sox logo. (Note: It is not.) Jose will let you know when this has been resolved.
From SoSH: Re: 9/20 - Beat Baltimore
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Before we enter your regularly scheduled KEYS, Jose is pleased to inform you that, by popular demand, KEYS T-shirts and other junk are now available. Jose will not sully the game thread with advertising, but all those interested should check out the blog.
1. Apparently, Sox pitcher BK Kim has entered Bad Teammates Anonymous. According to Herald scribe Jeff Horrigan, Kim had to apologize to the team’s pitchers and catchers for his shameful behavior as a condition of being called up from Pawtucket. Reportedly, before taking this step, Kim had to admit that he had a problem with being a bad teammate, and accept that he would have to focus on not being a bad teammate one day at a time. Kim will also be required to listen to testimonials from other bad teammates, describing how much their life has improved since they stopped sulking, ignoring instructions and flipping off fans.
How long Kim remains a bad teammate in recovery remains to be seen. While the programs numerous success stories receive little fanfare, its failures, notably Albert Belle and Ruben Rivera have been high profile.
2. Why don’t we bring back the Tony Castrati translator for today?
What TC says: “The New York Yankees have a better bullpen and a better lineup, and they have a better manager, too.”
What TC means: They’re invincible I tell you, invincible. I mean, we’re barely over .500 against them.
What TC says: “Curt Schilling will become what Martinez once was, a single ace against a deck stacked with kings.”
What TC means: I’m trying to catch on to the poker craze, but I still don’t quite understand the rules, and I certainly don’t realize that an ace and four kings is a kick ass hand.
What TC says: “Entering the weekend, since the start of the 2002 season, Lowe and Martinez have combined for 102 victories, more than any teammates in baseball during that span.”
What TC means: But that was then this is now. Two games is a much more meaningful sample size than two hundred.
What TC says: “Now in his eighth major league season and eligible for free agency at the end of the season, even Lowe admitted he ‘looked like a rookie.'”
What TC means: I am going to take completely out of context Lowe’s endorsement of a new facial cream that melts years away and makes one “look like a rookie.”
What TC says: Then Martinez went out yesterday and turned in an effort that could just as easily have come from Pedro Astacio, who swabbed the deck.”
What TC means: I heard on NPR that Sunday was “National Talk Like a Pirate Day” and am doing my best with naval analogies.
What TC says: “Yet regardless of what happens inside the cocoon of the two-team AL East, the Red Sox suddenly have bigger problems to worry about.”
What TC means: Panic room was on TV last night and it inspired me.
3. Since the Red Sox are playing a team that includes Jerry Harriston Jr., and Jerry Remy is, as always, calling tonight’s game, Jose Melendez is proud to present the top 10 Good Jerry’s of all time. Jose would like to thank his friends Dan and Noah who originally took on the Herculean task of ranking all Jerry’s, and then let Jose in on the work. (Note: You may remember the list of Vladimirs form earlier in the year, but the Jerry’s are where this began. In fact, a list has been on a bulletin board in the Melendez family kitchen for 10 years, though new Jerry’s have come on to the scene since then so it’s been adjusted.
1. Jerry of Ben and Jerry's
2. Jerry Remy
3. Jerry Stiller (Note: He used to be higher before “King of Queens.”)
4. Jerry Buscher (5th Fugazi member)
5. Jerry "the King" Lawler
6. Jerry Garcia
7. Jerry Only (member of band 'the Misfits')
8. Jerry Brown (The former CA Governor and Oakland mayor, not the former Major Leaguer.)
9. Gerry Ford
10. Jerry Seinfeld
Tomorrow, the evil Jerrys!!!
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Sunday, September 19
KEYS TO COMMERCE - Sept. 19, 2004
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO COMMERCE.
1. You asked for it you demanded…and Jose delivers. Yes, Jose is whoring himself out worse than Roger Clemens, though without the, you know, treason. Behind this little link
http://www.cafepress.com/keystothegame
lies your source for all manner of appalling KEYS TO THE GAME merchandise. T-shirts, hats, mugs and more still to come. Go on take a look, heck even buy something. And remember all of the profits go to the Jose Melendez Foundation (Note: Literally, to pay for repairs to the foundation of Jose’s house. Okay, that was a lie, Jose rents. Jose’s keeping the profits? Are you happy? Though actually, a little kickback will go to his aunt and ace graphic designer Carol Melendez) And keep coming back for more. One of these days Jose might just add an "I’m Jose Melendez and Eric Kneel is my b*tch T-shirt." Jose bets that would be a big seller.
Jose must confess, this is a little weird for him; he doesn’t have an e entrepreneurial bone in his body. On the other hand, if it doesn’t make any money, can it really be considered entrepreneurship?
2. Jose is also thinking about starting to sell customized sets of birthday KEYS. Jose has written these for loved ones over the course of the season, no big deal. Then he saw an ad promoting customized improv shows for corporate occasions. This got Jose thinking. If loser improv comedians can do shows based on corporations they don’t work at, why couldn’t a loser blogger write birthday KEYS for people he doesn’t know? Jose figures that for $30, he could write a KEYS style poem and two additional birthday KEYS based on customized information sent by the purchaser. It’s the perfect gift for any of Jose’s insane minions. Jose hasn’t really set up a Paypal account or anything like this to actually make this possible yet, but if you’re interested email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com and we’ll figure something out. (Note: Jose is not holding his breath on this one.)
3. Jose is also planning to release a book version of the 2004 KEYS TO THE GAME once the season ends in late, late October (Note: You’d better believe it.) Keep looking here and at Jose’s shop after the World Series for details.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO COMMERCE.
1. You asked for it you demanded…and Jose delivers. Yes, Jose is whoring himself out worse than Roger Clemens, though without the, you know, treason. Behind this little link
http://www.cafepress.com/keystothegame
lies your source for all manner of appalling KEYS TO THE GAME merchandise. T-shirts, hats, mugs and more still to come. Go on take a look, heck even buy something. And remember all of the profits go to the Jose Melendez Foundation (Note: Literally, to pay for repairs to the foundation of Jose’s house. Okay, that was a lie, Jose rents. Jose’s keeping the profits? Are you happy? Though actually, a little kickback will go to his aunt and ace graphic designer Carol Melendez) And keep coming back for more. One of these days Jose might just add an "I’m Jose Melendez and Eric Kneel is my b*tch T-shirt." Jose bets that would be a big seller.
Jose must confess, this is a little weird for him; he doesn’t have an e entrepreneurial bone in his body. On the other hand, if it doesn’t make any money, can it really be considered entrepreneurship?
2. Jose is also thinking about starting to sell customized sets of birthday KEYS. Jose has written these for loved ones over the course of the season, no big deal. Then he saw an ad promoting customized improv shows for corporate occasions. This got Jose thinking. If loser improv comedians can do shows based on corporations they don’t work at, why couldn’t a loser blogger write birthday KEYS for people he doesn’t know? Jose figures that for $30, he could write a KEYS style poem and two additional birthday KEYS based on customized information sent by the purchaser. It’s the perfect gift for any of Jose’s insane minions. Jose hasn’t really set up a Paypal account or anything like this to actually make this possible yet, but if you’re interested email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com and we’ll figure something out. (Note: Jose is not holding his breath on this one.)
3. Jose is also planning to release a book version of the 2004 KEYS TO THE GAME once the season ends in late, late October (Note: You’d better believe it.) Keep looking here and at Jose’s shop after the World Series for details.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO COMMERCE.
From SoSH: Re: 9/19 Pedro's kung fu is strong
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Okay, so Jose thinks we can all agree that yesterday did not go quite as planned. In terms of conforming to the plan (a 5-3 Sox win) yesterday’s game was right up there with Michael Dukakis’ plan to capture the presidency and George W. Bush’s vow to return integrity to the White House. (Note: Or if one wants to get away from politics, it was up there with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan’s plan to end Hulkamania forever or Electro’s plan to kill Spiderman.)
If the Yankees are McDonald’s, as Jose suggested, then yesterday was the day they gave us burgers chock full of the rich intriguing flavor of E. coli, because they just killed us. That said, there’s a funny thing about forcing tainted meat down people’s throats -- it tends to result in lawsuits. So watch for your subpoena’s Yankees, because you all are getting served.
How bad did things get yesterday? Jose agreed to leave the game in the fifth inning (Note: This isn’t the measure of how bad it was, anyone would have stopped watching once it was 13-0) to go to a crafts store called Michael’s with the Melendezette. And, get ready for this, he did it without complaint. Yup, the game was so bad, that going to a super store plaza in Everett to buy cake decorating materials seemed like a good idea. (Note: Admittedly, the notion that it might result in actual cake’s being made was intriguing. The Melendezette is working today, so let’s hope this game is a lot more entertaining because if it isn’t Jose will have no one to spend the day antiquing with.
2. This just in. Carl Pavano is a d*ck. According to Gordon Edes, the Florida hurler who has established himself among the premiere free agent pitchers on the market this year, left four tickets for the much maligned Steve Bartman when Florida visited the Cubs last week. Isn’t this just an insane amount of piling on? This poor SOB can hardly be blamed for the fact that the Cubs let the next three runners reach, and then blew the final two games with their best pitchers on the mound. Unless, of course, you believe in the mystical powers of livestock.
On the other hand, this act of meanness gives Jose an idea. Next year, when the Red Sox make their first appearance at Yankee Stadium, remind Jose to leave some tickets for John Stiglitz of Oyster Bay New York. Jose will not elaborate. Okay, maybe he will elaborate a little bit. Let’s just say Jose looked into his crystal ball and saw that Mr. Stiglitz will become quite unpopular with Yankees fans this October.
3. In a rare non-Red Sox KEY, Jose would like to say that Barry Bond’s 700th home run is an unbelievable accomplishment. It now even seems probable that he will break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Whether you like Bonds, or hate him like most people, when he hits that record breaking home run, you, Jose and every one else will have no choice but to sit back and give the man his due. We will have to concede "This was an accomplishment for the ages. Not since Ben Johnson shattered the record for the 100 meter dash at the 1988 Olympics has one sportsmen had such an extraordinary achievement. Truly this rivals Rosie Ruiz’s victory in the Boston Marathon."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Okay, so Jose thinks we can all agree that yesterday did not go quite as planned. In terms of conforming to the plan (a 5-3 Sox win) yesterday’s game was right up there with Michael Dukakis’ plan to capture the presidency and George W. Bush’s vow to return integrity to the White House. (Note: Or if one wants to get away from politics, it was up there with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan’s plan to end Hulkamania forever or Electro’s plan to kill Spiderman.)
If the Yankees are McDonald’s, as Jose suggested, then yesterday was the day they gave us burgers chock full of the rich intriguing flavor of E. coli, because they just killed us. That said, there’s a funny thing about forcing tainted meat down people’s throats -- it tends to result in lawsuits. So watch for your subpoena’s Yankees, because you all are getting served.
How bad did things get yesterday? Jose agreed to leave the game in the fifth inning (Note: This isn’t the measure of how bad it was, anyone would have stopped watching once it was 13-0) to go to a crafts store called Michael’s with the Melendezette. And, get ready for this, he did it without complaint. Yup, the game was so bad, that going to a super store plaza in Everett to buy cake decorating materials seemed like a good idea. (Note: Admittedly, the notion that it might result in actual cake’s being made was intriguing. The Melendezette is working today, so let’s hope this game is a lot more entertaining because if it isn’t Jose will have no one to spend the day antiquing with.
2. This just in. Carl Pavano is a d*ck. According to Gordon Edes, the Florida hurler who has established himself among the premiere free agent pitchers on the market this year, left four tickets for the much maligned Steve Bartman when Florida visited the Cubs last week. Isn’t this just an insane amount of piling on? This poor SOB can hardly be blamed for the fact that the Cubs let the next three runners reach, and then blew the final two games with their best pitchers on the mound. Unless, of course, you believe in the mystical powers of livestock.
On the other hand, this act of meanness gives Jose an idea. Next year, when the Red Sox make their first appearance at Yankee Stadium, remind Jose to leave some tickets for John Stiglitz of Oyster Bay New York. Jose will not elaborate. Okay, maybe he will elaborate a little bit. Let’s just say Jose looked into his crystal ball and saw that Mr. Stiglitz will become quite unpopular with Yankees fans this October.
3. In a rare non-Red Sox KEY, Jose would like to say that Barry Bond’s 700th home run is an unbelievable accomplishment. It now even seems probable that he will break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Whether you like Bonds, or hate him like most people, when he hits that record breaking home run, you, Jose and every one else will have no choice but to sit back and give the man his due. We will have to concede "This was an accomplishment for the ages. Not since Ben Johnson shattered the record for the 100 meter dash at the 1988 Olympics has one sportsmen had such an extraordinary achievement. Truly this rivals Rosie Ruiz’s victory in the Boston Marathon."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Saturday, September 18
From SoSH: Re: 9/18 - Sox vs. Yanks -- Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
It's time for Jose Melendez's KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sadly, Jose missed the thrilling conclusion to last night's game. He had budgeted 3.5 hours for the game before going off to a party, and he had assumed that it would be plenty of time, that the game would be over then either due to rain or by natural causes. But it wasn't over, so when Jose left at 10:30 with the Sox down 2-1, even with Tanyon Sturze on the mound, he did not see good things on the horizon.
At about midnight, Jose learned the result thanks to the Melendezette's Internet phone, and yet even then he wasn't relieved. Indeed, Jose went home and fell into a drunken, tormented sleep, still worrying in his dreams that the Yankees had won and were poised to capture the next two. But remember this, Jose's sports dreams are the anti-Doppler radar of prognostication. If Jose's dreams it, it's not certainly false, but it probably is...and you know what that means? Sox sweep.
2. Jose Melendez has just received this special report from the Bronx -- Miguel Cairo is still running around the bases at Yankee Stadium muttering to himself, "It must have been a homer, it must have been a homer."
Jose knows that the Yankees are desperate and hear the hungry wolves out of Boston at their door, but he had never thought that they were delusional until he saw Cairo high fiving in celebration of his long, hard out. Frankly, Jose is worried about Cairo's mental health. He is even more worried, because he has heard that the Yankee health plan does not cover Lithium.
3. At about 2AM last night, Jose found himself standing at the drive through window of a McDonald's in East Cambridge trying to get a little bit of late night gnosh. Jose discovered that when you are not in a car the sensors will not pick you up and they will not ask to take your order; it is as though you do not even exist. In other words, if things are not as they are "supposed to be," as they normally are, the system cannot recognize that circumstances have changed and cannot adapt. This is what is happening in this division race.
The Yankees are McDonald's, rich, fat and greasy, and the Red Sox are walking through the drive through. Every year before, the Red Sox showed up atthe drive through window in a car, and the Yankees saw them coming and got ready to serve them. This year the Red Sox are walking through undetected, it dosen't fit the old patterns of behavior, and the Yankees are structurally incapable of adapting on the fly. They keep expecting the fold that will never come.
This year, when the Red Sox arrive at the pick up window, they won't get "served;" the Yankees won't hand them their Big Macs and fries, take their money and send them away. This year, the Red Sox will reach through the pick up window, grab the Big Macs, grab the fries and empty the register while their at it, and the Yankees will never have seen it coming. (Note: Just to be clear, Jose did not rob a McDonald's last night, it is a metaphor. He just had a quarter-pounder and fries.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sadly, Jose missed the thrilling conclusion to last night's game. He had budgeted 3.5 hours for the game before going off to a party, and he had assumed that it would be plenty of time, that the game would be over then either due to rain or by natural causes. But it wasn't over, so when Jose left at 10:30 with the Sox down 2-1, even with Tanyon Sturze on the mound, he did not see good things on the horizon.
At about midnight, Jose learned the result thanks to the Melendezette's Internet phone, and yet even then he wasn't relieved. Indeed, Jose went home and fell into a drunken, tormented sleep, still worrying in his dreams that the Yankees had won and were poised to capture the next two. But remember this, Jose's sports dreams are the anti-Doppler radar of prognostication. If Jose's dreams it, it's not certainly false, but it probably is...and you know what that means? Sox sweep.
2. Jose Melendez has just received this special report from the Bronx -- Miguel Cairo is still running around the bases at Yankee Stadium muttering to himself, "It must have been a homer, it must have been a homer."
Jose knows that the Yankees are desperate and hear the hungry wolves out of Boston at their door, but he had never thought that they were delusional until he saw Cairo high fiving in celebration of his long, hard out. Frankly, Jose is worried about Cairo's mental health. He is even more worried, because he has heard that the Yankee health plan does not cover Lithium.
3. At about 2AM last night, Jose found himself standing at the drive through window of a McDonald's in East Cambridge trying to get a little bit of late night gnosh. Jose discovered that when you are not in a car the sensors will not pick you up and they will not ask to take your order; it is as though you do not even exist. In other words, if things are not as they are "supposed to be," as they normally are, the system cannot recognize that circumstances have changed and cannot adapt. This is what is happening in this division race.
The Yankees are McDonald's, rich, fat and greasy, and the Red Sox are walking through the drive through. Every year before, the Red Sox showed up atthe drive through window in a car, and the Yankees saw them coming and got ready to serve them. This year the Red Sox are walking through undetected, it dosen't fit the old patterns of behavior, and the Yankees are structurally incapable of adapting on the fly. They keep expecting the fold that will never come.
This year, when the Red Sox arrive at the pick up window, they won't get "served;" the Yankees won't hand them their Big Macs and fries, take their money and send them away. This year, the Red Sox will reach through the pick up window, grab the Big Macs, grab the fries and empty the register while their at it, and the Yankees will never have seen it coming. (Note: Just to be clear, Jose did not rob a McDonald's last night, it is a metaphor. He just had a quarter-pounder and fries.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, September 17
From SoSH: Re: 9/17 - Sox vs. Yanks -- Here we go
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Today was supposed to be the day Jose really brought the hammer down on Eric Kneel. He was going to be Kurt Rambis to Jose’s Kevin McHale, Moondog Spot to Jose’s Hulk Hogan, Alf to Jose’s Major Dad. Jose was going to go on about his mother, make other jokes about why his name is Kneel (think about why some people kneel) and generally shred the guy, but Jose just can’t do it. Why? Because Eric Kneel discovered Jose Melendez’s kryptonite.
Jose had Kneel right where he wanted him and was poised to snap shut the pincers and deliver the touch of death (Note: Mixing metaphors is fantastic), and then…then Eric Kneel wrote Jose a really nice letter...not obsequious nice, just friendly and complementary. He explained that he was glad Jose had played along with the sarcastic good humor, and that he really enjoyed Jose’s stuff. Then Jose sent him a reply suggesting that he take further pot shots and pointing out that feuds are good for business. After all Family Feud has made it through four hosts. (Note: As Jose pointed out in a previous KEYS.) Eric Kneel sent another answer asking for Jose’s story and his opinion on the Sox. Now it is possible that Jose is being suckered and Eric Kneel will use his kneeling posture to deliver a low blow, but it just doesn’t feel like it.
Quite simply, Jose cannot be cruel and vicious to someone who appears to be so nice. Jose thinks of himself as a nice person, and that demands that niceness be reciprocated. Maybe this is why Jose isn’t a sports reporter. Jose recalls Shaughnessy writing about how Wade Boggs had been so nice to his daughter when she was fighting cancer and then he still had to go rip him. Jose couldn’t do it…unless he was getting paid a lot.
So here are Jose’s options. One, Eric Kneel officially becomes Jose’s pal, and Jose will only say nice things about him and compliment his baseball wisdom, writing skill and personal hygiene. Two, Jose attacks Kneel so viciously that Kneel will be forced to either become an ass right back or completely be Jose’s bitch. This is what mean people do. They make one sink to their level or be overwhelmed. Three, Jose continues to rip Kneel publicly, but carries on a cordial posture in any communications that are not public.
The third seems like the way to go. You all will read Jose and Eric Kneel spewing bile at each other and assume we’re enemies with hate running through our veins. Then one day you’ll read a story about how Eric Kneel was arrested for driving drunk on the Jersey Turnpike and Jose Melendez was in the passenger seat, and you’ll say “Weren’t these two supposed to hate each other?” Don’t say it could never happen. It happened to the Iron Sheik and Hacksaw Jim Duggan when they were feuding about which is better the U.S.A. or Iran. (Note: Jose expect Eric Kneel comes down on the Iran side in this debate.)
So Eric, Jose understands you work for ESPN, which Jose assumes must stand for Eric Steals, Plagiarizes Names. Bring it!
2. Now as the biggest series of the year begins, let’s take a look at what Dan Shaughnessy, the aforementioned mean writer, has to say in his column today.
“John Kerry…and…cover boy…Dan Rather…feel…vilified.” (Note: That’s a great scoop Dan, are you sure that’s yours or did you pull a Kneel?)
“Alex Rodriguez…has…blown…Tanyon Sturze…and showered upon...Don Zimmer” (Note: Man, Shaughnessy really gets the freaky stories. The Herald must be pissed that the Globe got that one and blew its chance to write a back page story on deviant sexual practices in baseball.)
“What is beyond dispute is…the USA-USSR missile race…is…back.” (Note: While it’s good to see Dan (mis)using some of his precious column inches to express concern about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s efforts to use the events in Beslan to further centralize power, the sports page may not be the best venue for it.)
3. Yesterday the Yankees won a coin flip to determine who would host a playoff game for the AL East crown. According to Jose’s sources, George Steinbrenner provided the coin for the flip out of funds obtained by liquidating the dental plan for non-Baseball Yankee employees, making them pay for the air they breathe at work and pay for their own urinal cakes from a dispenser in the men’s room. Also, all non-baseball employees who are rained on at tonight’s game will have to pay a share of the Yankees’ water and sewer bill.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Today was supposed to be the day Jose really brought the hammer down on Eric Kneel. He was going to be Kurt Rambis to Jose’s Kevin McHale, Moondog Spot to Jose’s Hulk Hogan, Alf to Jose’s Major Dad. Jose was going to go on about his mother, make other jokes about why his name is Kneel (think about why some people kneel) and generally shred the guy, but Jose just can’t do it. Why? Because Eric Kneel discovered Jose Melendez’s kryptonite.
Jose had Kneel right where he wanted him and was poised to snap shut the pincers and deliver the touch of death (Note: Mixing metaphors is fantastic), and then…then Eric Kneel wrote Jose a really nice letter...not obsequious nice, just friendly and complementary. He explained that he was glad Jose had played along with the sarcastic good humor, and that he really enjoyed Jose’s stuff. Then Jose sent him a reply suggesting that he take further pot shots and pointing out that feuds are good for business. After all Family Feud has made it through four hosts. (Note: As Jose pointed out in a previous KEYS.) Eric Kneel sent another answer asking for Jose’s story and his opinion on the Sox. Now it is possible that Jose is being suckered and Eric Kneel will use his kneeling posture to deliver a low blow, but it just doesn’t feel like it.
Quite simply, Jose cannot be cruel and vicious to someone who appears to be so nice. Jose thinks of himself as a nice person, and that demands that niceness be reciprocated. Maybe this is why Jose isn’t a sports reporter. Jose recalls Shaughnessy writing about how Wade Boggs had been so nice to his daughter when she was fighting cancer and then he still had to go rip him. Jose couldn’t do it…unless he was getting paid a lot.
So here are Jose’s options. One, Eric Kneel officially becomes Jose’s pal, and Jose will only say nice things about him and compliment his baseball wisdom, writing skill and personal hygiene. Two, Jose attacks Kneel so viciously that Kneel will be forced to either become an ass right back or completely be Jose’s bitch. This is what mean people do. They make one sink to their level or be overwhelmed. Three, Jose continues to rip Kneel publicly, but carries on a cordial posture in any communications that are not public.
The third seems like the way to go. You all will read Jose and Eric Kneel spewing bile at each other and assume we’re enemies with hate running through our veins. Then one day you’ll read a story about how Eric Kneel was arrested for driving drunk on the Jersey Turnpike and Jose Melendez was in the passenger seat, and you’ll say “Weren’t these two supposed to hate each other?” Don’t say it could never happen. It happened to the Iron Sheik and Hacksaw Jim Duggan when they were feuding about which is better the U.S.A. or Iran. (Note: Jose expect Eric Kneel comes down on the Iran side in this debate.)
So Eric, Jose understands you work for ESPN, which Jose assumes must stand for Eric Steals, Plagiarizes Names. Bring it!
2. Now as the biggest series of the year begins, let’s take a look at what Dan Shaughnessy, the aforementioned mean writer, has to say in his column today.
“John Kerry…and…cover boy…Dan Rather…feel…vilified.” (Note: That’s a great scoop Dan, are you sure that’s yours or did you pull a Kneel?)
“Alex Rodriguez…has…blown…Tanyon Sturze…and showered upon...Don Zimmer” (Note: Man, Shaughnessy really gets the freaky stories. The Herald must be pissed that the Globe got that one and blew its chance to write a back page story on deviant sexual practices in baseball.)
“What is beyond dispute is…the USA-USSR missile race…is…back.” (Note: While it’s good to see Dan (mis)using some of his precious column inches to express concern about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s efforts to use the events in Beslan to further centralize power, the sports page may not be the best venue for it.)
3. Yesterday the Yankees won a coin flip to determine who would host a playoff game for the AL East crown. According to Jose’s sources, George Steinbrenner provided the coin for the flip out of funds obtained by liquidating the dental plan for non-Baseball Yankee employees, making them pay for the air they breathe at work and pay for their own urinal cakes from a dispenser in the men’s room. Also, all non-baseball employees who are rained on at tonight’s game will have to pay a share of the Yankees’ water and sewer bill.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, September 16
From SoSH: Re: 9/16 - Sox vs. Rays -- The final tune-up
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Unbelievable!!! After all of the time Jose spent trying to bait Tony Castrati into a feud, after all the bashing and meanness, all it takes is one kind email to Eric Kneel asking him to simply give due credit and the ESPN columnist crumbles like Kevin Brown’s fist against a concrete wall. (Note: Get it “Kneel?” Like he’s “kneeling” before Jose’s greatness? Of course, some schoolyard bully probably thought that up when Kneel was in second grade, so Jose shouldn’t take to much credit. Eric, if you send Jose the bully’s name, he’ll be happy to run it.)
So how to handle this? For starters, in the spirit of giving credit, Jose would like to thank an EZmailer named ekim colorwaterpit who had the following exchange with Kneel in a live chat.
“Nick (Atlanta)Did you make up the name Balki for Arroyo all by yourself or did you get it from somewhere?ERIC [K]NEELI'd never seen it anywhere else. It just seemed like a natural. There are two Bronson's to work in here: Pinchot and Charles. Charles seems like a stretch...”
Chat with Eric Kneel for money
And there is still more credit to go around. Jose would like to thank you, Eric Kneel, for having the integrity to admit, however bitterly, that someone else got there first, that when you landed on the shores of Balki, the flag of Melendezville was already there. And yet Jose cannot help but feel that perhaps your “mea culpa” was a bit backhanded. You know that mea culpa means “I’m sorry” or “my bad” right? It doesn’t translate as “someone thought up an idea before me and called me on it and now I have to swallow hard, but I don’t want to, so I think I’ll be sarcastic instead.” (Note: Or maybe it does, Jose’s Latin is not so good.) Given all of the fancy foreign language, perhaps Jose should just run Mr. Kneel through the old translator. Sorry Tony Castrati, today you’re off the hook.
Eric Kneel is so very, very, sorry
What Eric Kneel says: “A weblogging reader from Boston who calls himself Jose Melendez (after a one-time Mariners and Red Sox pitcher)”
What Eric Kneel means: Even with all of ESPN’s resources, I could not bother to even send an intern to look at MLB.com or a reference book so I would know that Jose Melendez pitched in San Diego too.
What EK says: “My sincere apologies, Jose.”
What EK means: My completely insincere apologies, jerk.
What EK says: Far be it for me to tramp on a man's legacy.
What EK means: Your legacy is talking to nerds on an internet chat group, I on the other hand work for the great ESPN, a major cable network that still covers sports almost 40 percent of the time!!!
What EK says: “I honestly didn't know you'd been down the Balki road before me. Still, I wish now that I had gone with the other Bronson reference I was thinking of at the time, and called him Death Wish Arroyo. My bad.”
What EK means: Yup no one had ever thought of the Charles Bronson route before me. Not posters at the world famous sonsofsamhorn.com. And certainly not Bob Hohler Boston Globe who on April 9, 2004, reported that Bronson Arroyo IS ACTUALLY NAMED ATER CHARLES BRONSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One can’t really trust the Globe anyway, it’s not like it’s a major metropolitan newspaper with hundreds of thousands of readers or anything. (Note: Oops Eric, Jose thinks you owe Bob Hohler an insincere apology now too.)
What EK says: “I'd also like to apologize for my reckless use of the terms ‘Boston,’ ‘Red Sox,’ ‘pitcher,’ ‘starts,’ ‘offense,’ ‘GM,’ and ‘Theo,’ any one of which you may also have used on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.”
What EK means: I hereby take back of all of the apologizing I may have done on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.
Geez. Once it’s all been translated it doesn’t sound very apologetic at all does it?
2. Yesterday, token German SoSH poster ossie schrekngost suggested that Jose was a German soul trapped in the body of an American. Ossie is so close and yet so completely wrong.
Jose is in fact one-eighth German (Note: His great grandmother was from Rothenburg ob der Tauber, a scenic walled town on Germany’s Romantic Road.) Jose has studied the German language and lived in Freiburg Germany. He loves German culture and literature and art, but he is no German at heart. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Granny Melendez is an Austrian Jew who emigrated from Vienna in 1939 across the Atlantic. Her parents went the long way, across Eastern Europe, Siberia, Japanese-controlled Manchuria, the Sea of Japan, Japan, the Pacific Ocean and the American content to escape the Nazis. Thus, Jose grew up with moehntorte, Mozart and knowing that Schwarzenegger meant "black plowman" long before he was Governor. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Indeed, when Jose, after two years of college German, went to study in Germany, Granny Melendez had one simple dictum "If you come back speaking like a Prussian, I’ll kill you." Yes, in his soul Jose had no choice but to be an Austrian.
But, Jose would not want anyone to think that his soul is Austrian on the basis of history or heritage. Frankly, Germany has done a far better job of coming to terms with the dark periods in its history than Austria, where the temptation to view Austria as Hitler’s first victim remains strong. Austria was not a victim – it was a perpetrator, just as Germany was.
No, Jose identifies with Austria because he is from Boston and not from New York. The relationship between Boston and New York is remarkably similar to that between Austria and Germany. In both cases the latter is huge, dominating, numerically much larger, much richer and much better known and understood by people around the world. Just as obnoxious New Yorkers flood the Cape, Vermont and other scenic New England locales, the Germans in their big BMW’s, with their loud voices and heavy drinking invade Austria, and everyplace else in Europe every summer. (Note: That said, heavy drinking German tourists are a hell of a lot of fun.) The former in both cases is a center of high culture and intellect, and its people know in their hearts…they know for certain that they are actually better. Jose knows in his heart Boston is better. Yes, in his soul, Jose is an Austrian.
And in the sporting realm both Boston and Austria have suffered defeat after defeat to their rivals. Just as the Yankees lead the Red Sox by a considerable margin in rings since 1918, Germany has dominated Austria in soccer and won both World and Euro cups. Indeed, every Austrian sports fan knows the last time their team beat the Germans. (Note: Jose doesn’t know though, so maybe he’s not so Austrian. He thinks it was 1979.)
So, sorry ossie, Jose’s soul is Austrian, not German. But this year to have an Austrian soul will not mean a quiet sense of superiority in the face of superior numbers and resources. No, not this year. Jose wouldn’t dare make a baseball prediction, but let’s put it this way, the first time after October that Austria plays Germany, bet the farm on Austria.
3. Congratulations to Tim Wakefield who passed Roger Clemens for number two on the Red Sox all time appearances list when he took the mound last night, despite his shaky performance. But appearances are a funny statistic. If a pitcher enters a game but clearly isn’t really “all there” does that count as an appearance? Jose is thinking about Calvin Schiraldi here.
Jose is also a little surprised by the list. Jose knew that Bob Stanley would be number one, but he didn’t expect Clemens to be number two. Jose sort of figured it would be Greg Harris, because as best Jose can recall, Harris appeared in 236 games in the 1990 season alone.
Still, congratulations to Wake are in order. When Jose bought a Wakefield jersey in 1995 in the middle of his 14-1 streak, Jose never thought Wakefield would be the last member of that team still with the organization. Jose was almost sure Dwayne Hosey would hang around longer.
(Note: Because Jose worked at Fenway that summer, it is one of his formative seasons, along with 1999, when he lived in Kenmore Square, and this season, when he writes KEYS. To this day, every time Alan Embree runs out of the pen wearing number 43, Jose thinks, look we reacquired Stan Belinda.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Unbelievable!!! After all of the time Jose spent trying to bait Tony Castrati into a feud, after all the bashing and meanness, all it takes is one kind email to Eric Kneel asking him to simply give due credit and the ESPN columnist crumbles like Kevin Brown’s fist against a concrete wall. (Note: Get it “Kneel?” Like he’s “kneeling” before Jose’s greatness? Of course, some schoolyard bully probably thought that up when Kneel was in second grade, so Jose shouldn’t take to much credit. Eric, if you send Jose the bully’s name, he’ll be happy to run it.)
So how to handle this? For starters, in the spirit of giving credit, Jose would like to thank an EZmailer named ekim colorwaterpit who had the following exchange with Kneel in a live chat.
“Nick (Atlanta)Did you make up the name Balki for Arroyo all by yourself or did you get it from somewhere?ERIC [K]NEELI'd never seen it anywhere else. It just seemed like a natural. There are two Bronson's to work in here: Pinchot and Charles. Charles seems like a stretch...”
Chat with Eric Kneel for money
And there is still more credit to go around. Jose would like to thank you, Eric Kneel, for having the integrity to admit, however bitterly, that someone else got there first, that when you landed on the shores of Balki, the flag of Melendezville was already there. And yet Jose cannot help but feel that perhaps your “mea culpa” was a bit backhanded. You know that mea culpa means “I’m sorry” or “my bad” right? It doesn’t translate as “someone thought up an idea before me and called me on it and now I have to swallow hard, but I don’t want to, so I think I’ll be sarcastic instead.” (Note: Or maybe it does, Jose’s Latin is not so good.) Given all of the fancy foreign language, perhaps Jose should just run Mr. Kneel through the old translator. Sorry Tony Castrati, today you’re off the hook.
Eric Kneel is so very, very, sorry
What Eric Kneel says: “A weblogging reader from Boston who calls himself Jose Melendez (after a one-time Mariners and Red Sox pitcher)”
What Eric Kneel means: Even with all of ESPN’s resources, I could not bother to even send an intern to look at MLB.com or a reference book so I would know that Jose Melendez pitched in San Diego too.
What EK says: “My sincere apologies, Jose.”
What EK means: My completely insincere apologies, jerk.
What EK says: Far be it for me to tramp on a man's legacy.
What EK means: Your legacy is talking to nerds on an internet chat group, I on the other hand work for the great ESPN, a major cable network that still covers sports almost 40 percent of the time!!!
What EK says: “I honestly didn't know you'd been down the Balki road before me. Still, I wish now that I had gone with the other Bronson reference I was thinking of at the time, and called him Death Wish Arroyo. My bad.”
What EK means: Yup no one had ever thought of the Charles Bronson route before me. Not posters at the world famous sonsofsamhorn.com. And certainly not Bob Hohler Boston Globe who on April 9, 2004, reported that Bronson Arroyo IS ACTUALLY NAMED ATER CHARLES BRONSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One can’t really trust the Globe anyway, it’s not like it’s a major metropolitan newspaper with hundreds of thousands of readers or anything. (Note: Oops Eric, Jose thinks you owe Bob Hohler an insincere apology now too.)
What EK says: “I'd also like to apologize for my reckless use of the terms ‘Boston,’ ‘Red Sox,’ ‘pitcher,’ ‘starts,’ ‘offense,’ ‘GM,’ and ‘Theo,’ any one of which you may also have used on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.”
What EK means: I hereby take back of all of the apologizing I may have done on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.
Geez. Once it’s all been translated it doesn’t sound very apologetic at all does it?
2. Yesterday, token German SoSH poster ossie schrekngost suggested that Jose was a German soul trapped in the body of an American. Ossie is so close and yet so completely wrong.
Jose is in fact one-eighth German (Note: His great grandmother was from Rothenburg ob der Tauber, a scenic walled town on Germany’s Romantic Road.) Jose has studied the German language and lived in Freiburg Germany. He loves German culture and literature and art, but he is no German at heart. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Granny Melendez is an Austrian Jew who emigrated from Vienna in 1939 across the Atlantic. Her parents went the long way, across Eastern Europe, Siberia, Japanese-controlled Manchuria, the Sea of Japan, Japan, the Pacific Ocean and the American content to escape the Nazis. Thus, Jose grew up with moehntorte, Mozart and knowing that Schwarzenegger meant "black plowman" long before he was Governor. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Indeed, when Jose, after two years of college German, went to study in Germany, Granny Melendez had one simple dictum "If you come back speaking like a Prussian, I’ll kill you." Yes, in his soul Jose had no choice but to be an Austrian.
But, Jose would not want anyone to think that his soul is Austrian on the basis of history or heritage. Frankly, Germany has done a far better job of coming to terms with the dark periods in its history than Austria, where the temptation to view Austria as Hitler’s first victim remains strong. Austria was not a victim – it was a perpetrator, just as Germany was.
No, Jose identifies with Austria because he is from Boston and not from New York. The relationship between Boston and New York is remarkably similar to that between Austria and Germany. In both cases the latter is huge, dominating, numerically much larger, much richer and much better known and understood by people around the world. Just as obnoxious New Yorkers flood the Cape, Vermont and other scenic New England locales, the Germans in their big BMW’s, with their loud voices and heavy drinking invade Austria, and everyplace else in Europe every summer. (Note: That said, heavy drinking German tourists are a hell of a lot of fun.) The former in both cases is a center of high culture and intellect, and its people know in their hearts…they know for certain that they are actually better. Jose knows in his heart Boston is better. Yes, in his soul, Jose is an Austrian.
And in the sporting realm both Boston and Austria have suffered defeat after defeat to their rivals. Just as the Yankees lead the Red Sox by a considerable margin in rings since 1918, Germany has dominated Austria in soccer and won both World and Euro cups. Indeed, every Austrian sports fan knows the last time their team beat the Germans. (Note: Jose doesn’t know though, so maybe he’s not so Austrian. He thinks it was 1979.)
So, sorry ossie, Jose’s soul is Austrian, not German. But this year to have an Austrian soul will not mean a quiet sense of superiority in the face of superior numbers and resources. No, not this year. Jose wouldn’t dare make a baseball prediction, but let’s put it this way, the first time after October that Austria plays Germany, bet the farm on Austria.
3. Congratulations to Tim Wakefield who passed Roger Clemens for number two on the Red Sox all time appearances list when he took the mound last night, despite his shaky performance. But appearances are a funny statistic. If a pitcher enters a game but clearly isn’t really “all there” does that count as an appearance? Jose is thinking about Calvin Schiraldi here.
Jose is also a little surprised by the list. Jose knew that Bob Stanley would be number one, but he didn’t expect Clemens to be number two. Jose sort of figured it would be Greg Harris, because as best Jose can recall, Harris appeared in 236 games in the 1990 season alone.
Still, congratulations to Wake are in order. When Jose bought a Wakefield jersey in 1995 in the middle of his 14-1 streak, Jose never thought Wakefield would be the last member of that team still with the organization. Jose was almost sure Dwayne Hosey would hang around longer.
(Note: Because Jose worked at Fenway that summer, it is one of his formative seasons, along with 1999, when he lived in Kenmore Square, and this season, when he writes KEYS. To this day, every time Alan Embree runs out of the pen wearing number 43, Jose thinks, look we reacquired Stan Belinda.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wednesday, September 15
From SoSH: Re: 9/15 - Sox vs. Rays -- Taking it home
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As much as Jose is infuriated by the Red Sox bowing to yet another rookie pitcher they’d never seen before , he has to hand it to young Scott Kazmir. (Note: Hopefully the Yankees haven’t noticed this or they’ll be bringing up their AA team to pitch to us, maybe that 45 year old Almonte kid from the Bronx). Not only did the 20 year old show tremendous poise before an enormous, juiced up Fenway crowd, he managed to pitch well despite the fact that two nuclear powers lay claim to him. After last night’s performance, Jose can see why India and Pakistan have gone to war over him on three occasions. He would be brilliant on the cricket pitch.
2. Jose would have been concerned about injury to Umlaut at any time, but usually the knowledge that Kevin Youklis was waiting in the wings would calm his jangled nerves, but not now, dear God not now. Tonight, missing Umlaut is really going to hurt. Jose can only assume that Mark Bellhorn will be your starting third baseman tonight and Pokey Reese will be your second baseman, what with tonight being Rosh Hashanah or ‘Jewish New Year,” the second holiest day on the Jewish calendar. (Note: Instead of saying “Buenos Noches” Amigos tonight could Jerry Remy say “Shana Tova Amigos” tonight—happy New Year amigos—you know, to reach out to the Juan Epsteins—or Theo Epsteins out there?) The Sox also stand to lose The Jewish God of Walks (Therefore the only God) and The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew for the September 24 game against the Yankees(Note: Yom Kippur) …unless…you know… they’re as observant as Jose who has been known to eat ham and cheese and trip his sideburns on all manner of holy days. This is the only time Jose will say this, but he would prefer that they not be like Sandy Koufax.
3. Yes, yes Jose knows that it was malicious and wrong, but there was a little part of Jose that was glad to see Rangers reliever Frank Francisco give a chair shot to a couple of fans two nights ago. It is not that Jose likes to see people get hurt; he does not. What he does like, however, is the possibilities this creates, the possibilities to bring the genius of pro wrestling into baseball in a richer way.
Imagine it is game three of the ALCS, Red Sox/Yankees live from Fenway Park. In the third inning, Bronson Arroyo pitches A-Rod inside and the jittery slugger takes exception. As he trots down to first, A-Rod, not bright enough to learn his lesson no matter how many times he visits Harvard’s campus, talks back to Jason Varitek yet again. Varitek approaches A-Rod, but this time A-Rod sucker punches him. Varitek, a tough SOB, refuses to drop from A-Rod’s flimsy punch and a brawl ensues. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a cloud of blinding green mist shoots from Varitek's mouth blinding Rodriguez. As A-Rod squirms, Varitek drops the big leg for the pin 1-2-3.
Jose knows the blinding mist is traditionally an Asian thing (Note: Jose knows he uses it every time he gets in a fight) but since BK Kim isn’t likely to be on the roster, Tek seemed as good a person as anyone to engage the deadly arts of the Orient.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As much as Jose is infuriated by the Red Sox bowing to yet another rookie pitcher they’d never seen before , he has to hand it to young Scott Kazmir. (Note: Hopefully the Yankees haven’t noticed this or they’ll be bringing up their AA team to pitch to us, maybe that 45 year old Almonte kid from the Bronx). Not only did the 20 year old show tremendous poise before an enormous, juiced up Fenway crowd, he managed to pitch well despite the fact that two nuclear powers lay claim to him. After last night’s performance, Jose can see why India and Pakistan have gone to war over him on three occasions. He would be brilliant on the cricket pitch.
2. Jose would have been concerned about injury to Umlaut at any time, but usually the knowledge that Kevin Youklis was waiting in the wings would calm his jangled nerves, but not now, dear God not now. Tonight, missing Umlaut is really going to hurt. Jose can only assume that Mark Bellhorn will be your starting third baseman tonight and Pokey Reese will be your second baseman, what with tonight being Rosh Hashanah or ‘Jewish New Year,” the second holiest day on the Jewish calendar. (Note: Instead of saying “Buenos Noches” Amigos tonight could Jerry Remy say “Shana Tova Amigos” tonight—happy New Year amigos—you know, to reach out to the Juan Epsteins—or Theo Epsteins out there?) The Sox also stand to lose The Jewish God of Walks (Therefore the only God) and The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew for the September 24 game against the Yankees(Note: Yom Kippur) …unless…you know… they’re as observant as Jose who has been known to eat ham and cheese and trip his sideburns on all manner of holy days. This is the only time Jose will say this, but he would prefer that they not be like Sandy Koufax.
3. Yes, yes Jose knows that it was malicious and wrong, but there was a little part of Jose that was glad to see Rangers reliever Frank Francisco give a chair shot to a couple of fans two nights ago. It is not that Jose likes to see people get hurt; he does not. What he does like, however, is the possibilities this creates, the possibilities to bring the genius of pro wrestling into baseball in a richer way.
Imagine it is game three of the ALCS, Red Sox/Yankees live from Fenway Park. In the third inning, Bronson Arroyo pitches A-Rod inside and the jittery slugger takes exception. As he trots down to first, A-Rod, not bright enough to learn his lesson no matter how many times he visits Harvard’s campus, talks back to Jason Varitek yet again. Varitek approaches A-Rod, but this time A-Rod sucker punches him. Varitek, a tough SOB, refuses to drop from A-Rod’s flimsy punch and a brawl ensues. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a cloud of blinding green mist shoots from Varitek's mouth blinding Rodriguez. As A-Rod squirms, Varitek drops the big leg for the pin 1-2-3.
Jose knows the blinding mist is traditionally an Asian thing (Note: Jose knows he uses it every time he gets in a fight) but since BK Kim isn’t likely to be on the roster, Tek seemed as good a person as anyone to engage the deadly arts of the Orient.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Monday, September 13
From SoSH: Re: 9/14 Tampa vs Boston
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The most interesting result of Sunday’s game has been the lack of criticism of Manny Ramirez for his counting error in the first inning. (Note: Maybe we should have a team accountant to keep track for him.) This is the sort of think people get mocked for. George Will mocked Trot Nixon for it at BU graduation one year. Jose imagines William F. Buckley probably ripped Ted Williams for the same thing once upon a time. And perhaps in the future Anne Coulter will rip Allen Iverson for forgetting about the number of outs. Wait Allen Iverson doesn’t play baseball? He plays basketball, where there are no outs? So it would be impossible for that accusation to be true? Well don’t worry, that won’t keep Coulter from saying it. (Note: It is completely unfair for Jose to group principled, intelligent conservatives like Will and Buckley, who Jose respects even if he deeply believes everything they stand for is wrong, with Coulter an unprincipled, unintelligent harpy. Sorry about that.)
Moving away from the mischievous undertow of politics that drive down Jose’s broad appeal and back to Manny, Jose has had a hard time believing what he heard. It might have been too early in the morning for him to have heard correctly, but Jose is pretty sure that the despicable Gerry Callahan, always ready to attack minority athletes (Note: Jose thought about not writing this, but he really thinks it’s true gave Manny a free pass. Even more surprisingly, Dan Shaughnessy seems to have been able to forgive Manny. Much like the proverbial Grinch, Shaughnessy’s heart appears to have grown three sizes in quite the short span.
Tony Castrati, never quite as dour as Callahan or Shaughnessy was also forgiving, but let’s take a look at what he really meant. Back when Tony was a girl
What TC says: "About once a month, the laws of nature dictate that Manny Ramirez will suffer from mental cramps."
What TC means: "Manny was just going through male menstruation yesterday. I guess, I came up with this metaphor since our next series is against Tampax Bay. Not that I made that up or anything.
What TC says: "All you can do is hope that they don't come at the wrong time."
What TC means: Because if it comes at the wrong time it can be really embarrassing. When I was sixteen, I was at the movies and I was sitting on my legs and was wearing white knee socks. When the movie ended and the lights came back on, I discovered that my socks were covered in blood because my…wait, I’ve already said too much.
What TC says: "Ramirez' brain locked up like a zoo gate."
What TC means: OK enough menstruation analogies, let’s move directly on to caged wild animals. Maybe this one next. "Ramirez’s mistake was worse than a discount lion safari." (Note: Apologies to the Simpsons.)
What TC says: "Sox third base coach Dale Sveum suggested that Ramirez simply misread Varitek's liner."
What TC means: Is Dale Sveum saying Manny is illiterate? Do I smell a scoop?
What TC says: "Making it mathematically impossible for there to be more than one out."
What TC means: He can’t do math either, but I’m not going to just out and out call him stupid.
What TC says: "Manny Magoo."
What TC means: Manny is also blind. (Note: This one actually annoys Jose. TC is just totaling butchering a cartoon analogy. This is like calling him Manny E. Coyote because he always fails to catch the roadrunner. It just doesn’t make any sense.)
What TC says: "Trying to explain Ramirez' thinking can be like trying to determine the cause behind a crying, inconsolable infant. You can come up theories, but the reality is you just never know for sure. Eventually, however, the crying stops. And all you can do is focus on the good things."
What TC means: I am a new father, and I think that I have invented fatherhood. (Note: In all seriousness, it’s great that you’re enjoying your child. Jose is genuinely happy for you, but this is not the place for this analogy. Do we have 18 years of child rearing sports analogies ahead of us.
Actually, Jose should not be so quick to judge. Jose was trying to organize a public meeting a few weeks ago for work, and he suggested that instead of offering a morning time or an evening time, on which the attendees would never agree, we should offer only two different evening times. "Do you want the meeting at 5 or 7?" Jose suggested we ask. It would be like asking a child "Do you want to use your red toothbrush or your blue toothbrush?" rather than asking "Do you want to brush your teeth?" It creates the illusion of choice. Jose has no children and all of his bosses do, so they looked at him like he was nuts, but Jose insists the metaphor was valid, more so than TC’s anyway.)
3.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wait, Jose thought that was the third KEY. Nuts. He must have lost count.
1. The most interesting result of Sunday’s game has been the lack of criticism of Manny Ramirez for his counting error in the first inning. (Note: Maybe we should have a team accountant to keep track for him.) This is the sort of think people get mocked for. George Will mocked Trot Nixon for it at BU graduation one year. Jose imagines William F. Buckley probably ripped Ted Williams for the same thing once upon a time. And perhaps in the future Anne Coulter will rip Allen Iverson for forgetting about the number of outs. Wait Allen Iverson doesn’t play baseball? He plays basketball, where there are no outs? So it would be impossible for that accusation to be true? Well don’t worry, that won’t keep Coulter from saying it. (Note: It is completely unfair for Jose to group principled, intelligent conservatives like Will and Buckley, who Jose respects even if he deeply believes everything they stand for is wrong, with Coulter an unprincipled, unintelligent harpy. Sorry about that.)
Moving away from the mischievous undertow of politics that drive down Jose’s broad appeal and back to Manny, Jose has had a hard time believing what he heard. It might have been too early in the morning for him to have heard correctly, but Jose is pretty sure that the despicable Gerry Callahan, always ready to attack minority athletes (Note: Jose thought about not writing this, but he really thinks it’s true gave Manny a free pass. Even more surprisingly, Dan Shaughnessy seems to have been able to forgive Manny. Much like the proverbial Grinch, Shaughnessy’s heart appears to have grown three sizes in quite the short span.
Tony Castrati, never quite as dour as Callahan or Shaughnessy was also forgiving, but let’s take a look at what he really meant. Back when Tony was a girl
What TC says: "About once a month, the laws of nature dictate that Manny Ramirez will suffer from mental cramps."
What TC means: "Manny was just going through male menstruation yesterday. I guess, I came up with this metaphor since our next series is against Tampax Bay. Not that I made that up or anything.
What TC says: "All you can do is hope that they don't come at the wrong time."
What TC means: Because if it comes at the wrong time it can be really embarrassing. When I was sixteen, I was at the movies and I was sitting on my legs and was wearing white knee socks. When the movie ended and the lights came back on, I discovered that my socks were covered in blood because my…wait, I’ve already said too much.
What TC says: "Ramirez' brain locked up like a zoo gate."
What TC means: OK enough menstruation analogies, let’s move directly on to caged wild animals. Maybe this one next. "Ramirez’s mistake was worse than a discount lion safari." (Note: Apologies to the Simpsons.)
What TC says: "Sox third base coach Dale Sveum suggested that Ramirez simply misread Varitek's liner."
What TC means: Is Dale Sveum saying Manny is illiterate? Do I smell a scoop?
What TC says: "Making it mathematically impossible for there to be more than one out."
What TC means: He can’t do math either, but I’m not going to just out and out call him stupid.
What TC says: "Manny Magoo."
What TC means: Manny is also blind. (Note: This one actually annoys Jose. TC is just totaling butchering a cartoon analogy. This is like calling him Manny E. Coyote because he always fails to catch the roadrunner. It just doesn’t make any sense.)
What TC says: "Trying to explain Ramirez' thinking can be like trying to determine the cause behind a crying, inconsolable infant. You can come up theories, but the reality is you just never know for sure. Eventually, however, the crying stops. And all you can do is focus on the good things."
What TC means: I am a new father, and I think that I have invented fatherhood. (Note: In all seriousness, it’s great that you’re enjoying your child. Jose is genuinely happy for you, but this is not the place for this analogy. Do we have 18 years of child rearing sports analogies ahead of us.
Actually, Jose should not be so quick to judge. Jose was trying to organize a public meeting a few weeks ago for work, and he suggested that instead of offering a morning time or an evening time, on which the attendees would never agree, we should offer only two different evening times. "Do you want the meeting at 5 or 7?" Jose suggested we ask. It would be like asking a child "Do you want to use your red toothbrush or your blue toothbrush?" rather than asking "Do you want to brush your teeth?" It creates the illusion of choice. Jose has no children and all of his bosses do, so they looked at him like he was nuts, but Jose insists the metaphor was valid, more so than TC’s anyway.)
3.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wait, Jose thought that was the third KEY. Nuts. He must have lost count.
Sunday, September 12
From SoSH: Re: September 12th - We Crush Them
It’s time for Melendez Jose’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Before the Seattle series ends, Jose has to address the issues that came up in the SoSH game thread a few days ago. There was a lot of talking about how Ichiro has his first name on the back of his jersey rather than is last name. That in turn led to issues about whether Ichiro was, in fact, his first name or his last name, and that in turn led to a broader discussion about Asian names, which in turn led to the Melendezette getting really angry. (Note: The Melendezette is half Irish-half Chinese).
To her mind, Asian athletic heroes were being torn down, and to use her words "I love the fact that Asian players are playing in the big leagues. Growing up I had very few Asian athletic role models - even fewer, okay no, half-Asian role models." Jose of course reminded her of Michael Chang, the athletic role model for all boys and girls having ethnic origins in Asia or the Pacific Islands (Note: Jose is pretty sure Margaret Cho did a lot of Michael Chang jokes once upon a time. See Eric Neel, giving credit, it’s great!!!)
Jose guesses the point is that despite the cultural confusion it may cause us, it is good to have people of all different ethnicities and nationalities in our professional sporting leagues. Heck, it may even be good that Wendall Kim is in the majors, because, despite his incompetence, he has paved the way for future generation of Korean third base coaches, who will hopefully be just as likeable, but a lot less incompetent. Actually, the whole thing has made Jose reexplore his own Japanese roots. That’s why from now one, Jose wishes to be known, in the tradition of his people, as Melendez Jose.
2. During Thursday night’s Patriots game, ABC used some ridiculous new feature that clocks a quarterback’s pass and then translates it into the speed of a baseball pitch. Apparently, Peyton Manning’s 56 mph pass would be 83 mph if he was throwing a baseball. Do the Yankees know about this? A starter who could bring the gas at 83 mph would be a huge upgrade to their rotation.
3. If the Scott Williamson elbow saga has shown anything, it’s that doctors don’t know anything and are just people who like to get up in other people’s business. Jose urges the Yankees to keep this in mind, as we go down the stretch. The next time a doctor tells one of your pitchers that if he doesn’t have surgery, he might never pitch again, just ignore him and send it out to pitch. He’ll be fine. Remember George, that Doctor just wants to take your money. If he really cared about the winning he’d tell players to get right back out there, not "rest a day" or "have reconstructive surgery. Isn’t that what you’d do?
I’m Melendez Jose, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Before the Seattle series ends, Jose has to address the issues that came up in the SoSH game thread a few days ago. There was a lot of talking about how Ichiro has his first name on the back of his jersey rather than is last name. That in turn led to issues about whether Ichiro was, in fact, his first name or his last name, and that in turn led to a broader discussion about Asian names, which in turn led to the Melendezette getting really angry. (Note: The Melendezette is half Irish-half Chinese).
To her mind, Asian athletic heroes were being torn down, and to use her words "I love the fact that Asian players are playing in the big leagues. Growing up I had very few Asian athletic role models - even fewer, okay no, half-Asian role models." Jose of course reminded her of Michael Chang, the athletic role model for all boys and girls having ethnic origins in Asia or the Pacific Islands (Note: Jose is pretty sure Margaret Cho did a lot of Michael Chang jokes once upon a time. See Eric Neel, giving credit, it’s great!!!)
Jose guesses the point is that despite the cultural confusion it may cause us, it is good to have people of all different ethnicities and nationalities in our professional sporting leagues. Heck, it may even be good that Wendall Kim is in the majors, because, despite his incompetence, he has paved the way for future generation of Korean third base coaches, who will hopefully be just as likeable, but a lot less incompetent. Actually, the whole thing has made Jose reexplore his own Japanese roots. That’s why from now one, Jose wishes to be known, in the tradition of his people, as Melendez Jose.
2. During Thursday night’s Patriots game, ABC used some ridiculous new feature that clocks a quarterback’s pass and then translates it into the speed of a baseball pitch. Apparently, Peyton Manning’s 56 mph pass would be 83 mph if he was throwing a baseball. Do the Yankees know about this? A starter who could bring the gas at 83 mph would be a huge upgrade to their rotation.
3. If the Scott Williamson elbow saga has shown anything, it’s that doctors don’t know anything and are just people who like to get up in other people’s business. Jose urges the Yankees to keep this in mind, as we go down the stretch. The next time a doctor tells one of your pitchers that if he doesn’t have surgery, he might never pitch again, just ignore him and send it out to pitch. He’ll be fine. Remember George, that Doctor just wants to take your money. If he really cared about the winning he’d tell players to get right back out there, not "rest a day" or "have reconstructive surgery. Isn’t that what you’d do?
I’m Melendez Jose, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
