It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. This was supposed to be the KEY where Jose told you about how an act of kindness secured a Sox win last night. This was going to be where Jose told you of how a SoSH poster named lushess255 took the hint that John W. Henry would not and gave Jose the ticket needed to secure victory last night, giving freely, asking nothing more than beer and chicken wings in return. But they screwed it up. A bases loaded walk, a sour pickle and the Sox bowed. That said Jose would like you all to remember that the Sox are still a robust 8-2 in games attended by Jose , so Jose will be accepting offers of free tickets from here on in from John Henry or anyone else who would like an 80 percent chance of a Sox victory.
Instead, Jose presents this first installment of Jose’s People. A look at the people whose lives have been touched by KEYS, in a style stolen from Kent’s People/Bart’s People from the Simpsons. (Note: If you say you’re stealing something it’s not illegal/wrong. Right? Right?)
(Voiceover) “ A passionate Red Sox fan, lushess255 has been to 30 games this year.”
(Cue crack of the bat and roaring crowds)
“But what happens, when the crowds…go quiet.”
(Cue violin)
“After his beloved Red Sox fell to the Yankees last Sunday, lushess255 was inconsolable. The clicking of the keyboard, the only interruption in his symphony of disappointment. Another shot at a division title…gone…
(Cue “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” image of Sheffield homer run.)
“But in the age of the Internet, one can never truly suffer alone.”
(Cue Bonds 700th Image)
“Jose Melendez’s observation that Barry Bonds’ record breaking Home Run would be like Ben Johnson’s 100m victory”
(Fade to Johnson)
“Or Rosie Ruiz’s Boston Marathon win”
(Fade to Rosie,)
“Threw a life preserver to lushess255 and pulled him out of his ocean of despair.”
(Cue Stars and Stripes Forever fade to image of Jose and lushess255 in shaking hands in front of a waving American Flag)
“And that’s why lushess255 is ONE OF JOSE’S PEOPLE.”
2. So Jose’s merchandise got yanked yesterday for too closely approximating the Red Sox logo. Jose disagrees with this assessment, but he can understand cafepress’s desire to avoid frivolous lawsuits. But it is okay, as Jose is working with new logos that should be up in a day or two. It is ironic that this act of censorship comes as the Red Sox face their own lawsuit suggesting that they are too closely approximating a playoff team. If you’re having trouble telling them apart from an actual playoff team, just look closely for the shoddy workmanship. Also, don’t buy baseball team’s from alleys or basements in Chinatown, those are almost assuredly pale imitations of playoff teams. (Note: Yes, Jose knows he shouldn’t be so negative, and he isn’t really, but he is just plain grumpy about last night’s game, and three straight awful starts.)
3. Put the children to bed, and send off the feint of heart. Here come the evil Jerrys:
1)Jerry Falwell
2)Jerry Lewis
3)Jerry Springer
4)Jerry MaGuire
5)Jerry Tarkanian
(Were his players at Fresno really arrested for robbing someone with a Samurai sword?
6)Elbridge Gerry
(Inventor of the Gerrymander, though Gerry has a hard G)
7)Geri Haliwell (aka Ginger Spice)
8)Jerry Jones
9)Jerry Bruckheimer
10)Jerry Williams (The miserable talk radio host)
Coming tomorrow: A surprising third list of Jerrys
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, September 21
Monday, September 20
KEYS TO COMMERCE UPDATE
So Cafepress is doing some verification on the logos. They may feel that it is too close to the Red Sox logo. (Note: It is not.) Jose will let you know when this has been resolved.
From SoSH: Re: 9/20 - Beat Baltimore
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Before we enter your regularly scheduled KEYS, Jose is pleased to inform you that, by popular demand, KEYS T-shirts and other junk are now available. Jose will not sully the game thread with advertising, but all those interested should check out the blog.
1. Apparently, Sox pitcher BK Kim has entered Bad Teammates Anonymous. According to Herald scribe Jeff Horrigan, Kim had to apologize to the team’s pitchers and catchers for his shameful behavior as a condition of being called up from Pawtucket. Reportedly, before taking this step, Kim had to admit that he had a problem with being a bad teammate, and accept that he would have to focus on not being a bad teammate one day at a time. Kim will also be required to listen to testimonials from other bad teammates, describing how much their life has improved since they stopped sulking, ignoring instructions and flipping off fans.
How long Kim remains a bad teammate in recovery remains to be seen. While the programs numerous success stories receive little fanfare, its failures, notably Albert Belle and Ruben Rivera have been high profile.
2. Why don’t we bring back the Tony Castrati translator for today?
What TC says: “The New York Yankees have a better bullpen and a better lineup, and they have a better manager, too.”
What TC means: They’re invincible I tell you, invincible. I mean, we’re barely over .500 against them.
What TC says: “Curt Schilling will become what Martinez once was, a single ace against a deck stacked with kings.”
What TC means: I’m trying to catch on to the poker craze, but I still don’t quite understand the rules, and I certainly don’t realize that an ace and four kings is a kick ass hand.
What TC says: “Entering the weekend, since the start of the 2002 season, Lowe and Martinez have combined for 102 victories, more than any teammates in baseball during that span.”
What TC means: But that was then this is now. Two games is a much more meaningful sample size than two hundred.
What TC says: “Now in his eighth major league season and eligible for free agency at the end of the season, even Lowe admitted he ‘looked like a rookie.'”
What TC means: I am going to take completely out of context Lowe’s endorsement of a new facial cream that melts years away and makes one “look like a rookie.”
What TC says: Then Martinez went out yesterday and turned in an effort that could just as easily have come from Pedro Astacio, who swabbed the deck.”
What TC means: I heard on NPR that Sunday was “National Talk Like a Pirate Day” and am doing my best with naval analogies.
What TC says: “Yet regardless of what happens inside the cocoon of the two-team AL East, the Red Sox suddenly have bigger problems to worry about.”
What TC means: Panic room was on TV last night and it inspired me.
3. Since the Red Sox are playing a team that includes Jerry Harriston Jr., and Jerry Remy is, as always, calling tonight’s game, Jose Melendez is proud to present the top 10 Good Jerry’s of all time. Jose would like to thank his friends Dan and Noah who originally took on the Herculean task of ranking all Jerry’s, and then let Jose in on the work. (Note: You may remember the list of Vladimirs form earlier in the year, but the Jerry’s are where this began. In fact, a list has been on a bulletin board in the Melendez family kitchen for 10 years, though new Jerry’s have come on to the scene since then so it’s been adjusted.
1. Jerry of Ben and Jerry's
2. Jerry Remy
3. Jerry Stiller (Note: He used to be higher before “King of Queens.”)
4. Jerry Buscher (5th Fugazi member)
5. Jerry "the King" Lawler
6. Jerry Garcia
7. Jerry Only (member of band 'the Misfits')
8. Jerry Brown (The former CA Governor and Oakland mayor, not the former Major Leaguer.)
9. Gerry Ford
10. Jerry Seinfeld
Tomorrow, the evil Jerrys!!!
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Sunday, September 19
KEYS TO COMMERCE - Sept. 19, 2004
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO COMMERCE.
1. You asked for it you demanded…and Jose delivers. Yes, Jose is whoring himself out worse than Roger Clemens, though without the, you know, treason. Behind this little link
http://www.cafepress.com/keystothegame
lies your source for all manner of appalling KEYS TO THE GAME merchandise. T-shirts, hats, mugs and more still to come. Go on take a look, heck even buy something. And remember all of the profits go to the Jose Melendez Foundation (Note: Literally, to pay for repairs to the foundation of Jose’s house. Okay, that was a lie, Jose rents. Jose’s keeping the profits? Are you happy? Though actually, a little kickback will go to his aunt and ace graphic designer Carol Melendez) And keep coming back for more. One of these days Jose might just add an "I’m Jose Melendez and Eric Kneel is my b*tch T-shirt." Jose bets that would be a big seller.
Jose must confess, this is a little weird for him; he doesn’t have an e entrepreneurial bone in his body. On the other hand, if it doesn’t make any money, can it really be considered entrepreneurship?
2. Jose is also thinking about starting to sell customized sets of birthday KEYS. Jose has written these for loved ones over the course of the season, no big deal. Then he saw an ad promoting customized improv shows for corporate occasions. This got Jose thinking. If loser improv comedians can do shows based on corporations they don’t work at, why couldn’t a loser blogger write birthday KEYS for people he doesn’t know? Jose figures that for $30, he could write a KEYS style poem and two additional birthday KEYS based on customized information sent by the purchaser. It’s the perfect gift for any of Jose’s insane minions. Jose hasn’t really set up a Paypal account or anything like this to actually make this possible yet, but if you’re interested email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com and we’ll figure something out. (Note: Jose is not holding his breath on this one.)
3. Jose is also planning to release a book version of the 2004 KEYS TO THE GAME once the season ends in late, late October (Note: You’d better believe it.) Keep looking here and at Jose’s shop after the World Series for details.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO COMMERCE.
1. You asked for it you demanded…and Jose delivers. Yes, Jose is whoring himself out worse than Roger Clemens, though without the, you know, treason. Behind this little link
http://www.cafepress.com/keystothegame
lies your source for all manner of appalling KEYS TO THE GAME merchandise. T-shirts, hats, mugs and more still to come. Go on take a look, heck even buy something. And remember all of the profits go to the Jose Melendez Foundation (Note: Literally, to pay for repairs to the foundation of Jose’s house. Okay, that was a lie, Jose rents. Jose’s keeping the profits? Are you happy? Though actually, a little kickback will go to his aunt and ace graphic designer Carol Melendez) And keep coming back for more. One of these days Jose might just add an "I’m Jose Melendez and Eric Kneel is my b*tch T-shirt." Jose bets that would be a big seller.
Jose must confess, this is a little weird for him; he doesn’t have an e entrepreneurial bone in his body. On the other hand, if it doesn’t make any money, can it really be considered entrepreneurship?
2. Jose is also thinking about starting to sell customized sets of birthday KEYS. Jose has written these for loved ones over the course of the season, no big deal. Then he saw an ad promoting customized improv shows for corporate occasions. This got Jose thinking. If loser improv comedians can do shows based on corporations they don’t work at, why couldn’t a loser blogger write birthday KEYS for people he doesn’t know? Jose figures that for $30, he could write a KEYS style poem and two additional birthday KEYS based on customized information sent by the purchaser. It’s the perfect gift for any of Jose’s insane minions. Jose hasn’t really set up a Paypal account or anything like this to actually make this possible yet, but if you’re interested email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com and we’ll figure something out. (Note: Jose is not holding his breath on this one.)
3. Jose is also planning to release a book version of the 2004 KEYS TO THE GAME once the season ends in late, late October (Note: You’d better believe it.) Keep looking here and at Jose’s shop after the World Series for details.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO COMMERCE.
From SoSH: Re: 9/19 Pedro's kung fu is strong
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Okay, so Jose thinks we can all agree that yesterday did not go quite as planned. In terms of conforming to the plan (a 5-3 Sox win) yesterday’s game was right up there with Michael Dukakis’ plan to capture the presidency and George W. Bush’s vow to return integrity to the White House. (Note: Or if one wants to get away from politics, it was up there with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan’s plan to end Hulkamania forever or Electro’s plan to kill Spiderman.)
If the Yankees are McDonald’s, as Jose suggested, then yesterday was the day they gave us burgers chock full of the rich intriguing flavor of E. coli, because they just killed us. That said, there’s a funny thing about forcing tainted meat down people’s throats -- it tends to result in lawsuits. So watch for your subpoena’s Yankees, because you all are getting served.
How bad did things get yesterday? Jose agreed to leave the game in the fifth inning (Note: This isn’t the measure of how bad it was, anyone would have stopped watching once it was 13-0) to go to a crafts store called Michael’s with the Melendezette. And, get ready for this, he did it without complaint. Yup, the game was so bad, that going to a super store plaza in Everett to buy cake decorating materials seemed like a good idea. (Note: Admittedly, the notion that it might result in actual cake’s being made was intriguing. The Melendezette is working today, so let’s hope this game is a lot more entertaining because if it isn’t Jose will have no one to spend the day antiquing with.
2. This just in. Carl Pavano is a d*ck. According to Gordon Edes, the Florida hurler who has established himself among the premiere free agent pitchers on the market this year, left four tickets for the much maligned Steve Bartman when Florida visited the Cubs last week. Isn’t this just an insane amount of piling on? This poor SOB can hardly be blamed for the fact that the Cubs let the next three runners reach, and then blew the final two games with their best pitchers on the mound. Unless, of course, you believe in the mystical powers of livestock.
On the other hand, this act of meanness gives Jose an idea. Next year, when the Red Sox make their first appearance at Yankee Stadium, remind Jose to leave some tickets for John Stiglitz of Oyster Bay New York. Jose will not elaborate. Okay, maybe he will elaborate a little bit. Let’s just say Jose looked into his crystal ball and saw that Mr. Stiglitz will become quite unpopular with Yankees fans this October.
3. In a rare non-Red Sox KEY, Jose would like to say that Barry Bond’s 700th home run is an unbelievable accomplishment. It now even seems probable that he will break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Whether you like Bonds, or hate him like most people, when he hits that record breaking home run, you, Jose and every one else will have no choice but to sit back and give the man his due. We will have to concede "This was an accomplishment for the ages. Not since Ben Johnson shattered the record for the 100 meter dash at the 1988 Olympics has one sportsmen had such an extraordinary achievement. Truly this rivals Rosie Ruiz’s victory in the Boston Marathon."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Okay, so Jose thinks we can all agree that yesterday did not go quite as planned. In terms of conforming to the plan (a 5-3 Sox win) yesterday’s game was right up there with Michael Dukakis’ plan to capture the presidency and George W. Bush’s vow to return integrity to the White House. (Note: Or if one wants to get away from politics, it was up there with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan’s plan to end Hulkamania forever or Electro’s plan to kill Spiderman.)
If the Yankees are McDonald’s, as Jose suggested, then yesterday was the day they gave us burgers chock full of the rich intriguing flavor of E. coli, because they just killed us. That said, there’s a funny thing about forcing tainted meat down people’s throats -- it tends to result in lawsuits. So watch for your subpoena’s Yankees, because you all are getting served.
How bad did things get yesterday? Jose agreed to leave the game in the fifth inning (Note: This isn’t the measure of how bad it was, anyone would have stopped watching once it was 13-0) to go to a crafts store called Michael’s with the Melendezette. And, get ready for this, he did it without complaint. Yup, the game was so bad, that going to a super store plaza in Everett to buy cake decorating materials seemed like a good idea. (Note: Admittedly, the notion that it might result in actual cake’s being made was intriguing. The Melendezette is working today, so let’s hope this game is a lot more entertaining because if it isn’t Jose will have no one to spend the day antiquing with.
2. This just in. Carl Pavano is a d*ck. According to Gordon Edes, the Florida hurler who has established himself among the premiere free agent pitchers on the market this year, left four tickets for the much maligned Steve Bartman when Florida visited the Cubs last week. Isn’t this just an insane amount of piling on? This poor SOB can hardly be blamed for the fact that the Cubs let the next three runners reach, and then blew the final two games with their best pitchers on the mound. Unless, of course, you believe in the mystical powers of livestock.
On the other hand, this act of meanness gives Jose an idea. Next year, when the Red Sox make their first appearance at Yankee Stadium, remind Jose to leave some tickets for John Stiglitz of Oyster Bay New York. Jose will not elaborate. Okay, maybe he will elaborate a little bit. Let’s just say Jose looked into his crystal ball and saw that Mr. Stiglitz will become quite unpopular with Yankees fans this October.
3. In a rare non-Red Sox KEY, Jose would like to say that Barry Bond’s 700th home run is an unbelievable accomplishment. It now even seems probable that he will break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Whether you like Bonds, or hate him like most people, when he hits that record breaking home run, you, Jose and every one else will have no choice but to sit back and give the man his due. We will have to concede "This was an accomplishment for the ages. Not since Ben Johnson shattered the record for the 100 meter dash at the 1988 Olympics has one sportsmen had such an extraordinary achievement. Truly this rivals Rosie Ruiz’s victory in the Boston Marathon."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Saturday, September 18
From SoSH: Re: 9/18 - Sox vs. Yanks -- Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
It's time for Jose Melendez's KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sadly, Jose missed the thrilling conclusion to last night's game. He had budgeted 3.5 hours for the game before going off to a party, and he had assumed that it would be plenty of time, that the game would be over then either due to rain or by natural causes. But it wasn't over, so when Jose left at 10:30 with the Sox down 2-1, even with Tanyon Sturze on the mound, he did not see good things on the horizon.
At about midnight, Jose learned the result thanks to the Melendezette's Internet phone, and yet even then he wasn't relieved. Indeed, Jose went home and fell into a drunken, tormented sleep, still worrying in his dreams that the Yankees had won and were poised to capture the next two. But remember this, Jose's sports dreams are the anti-Doppler radar of prognostication. If Jose's dreams it, it's not certainly false, but it probably is...and you know what that means? Sox sweep.
2. Jose Melendez has just received this special report from the Bronx -- Miguel Cairo is still running around the bases at Yankee Stadium muttering to himself, "It must have been a homer, it must have been a homer."
Jose knows that the Yankees are desperate and hear the hungry wolves out of Boston at their door, but he had never thought that they were delusional until he saw Cairo high fiving in celebration of his long, hard out. Frankly, Jose is worried about Cairo's mental health. He is even more worried, because he has heard that the Yankee health plan does not cover Lithium.
3. At about 2AM last night, Jose found himself standing at the drive through window of a McDonald's in East Cambridge trying to get a little bit of late night gnosh. Jose discovered that when you are not in a car the sensors will not pick you up and they will not ask to take your order; it is as though you do not even exist. In other words, if things are not as they are "supposed to be," as they normally are, the system cannot recognize that circumstances have changed and cannot adapt. This is what is happening in this division race.
The Yankees are McDonald's, rich, fat and greasy, and the Red Sox are walking through the drive through. Every year before, the Red Sox showed up atthe drive through window in a car, and the Yankees saw them coming and got ready to serve them. This year the Red Sox are walking through undetected, it dosen't fit the old patterns of behavior, and the Yankees are structurally incapable of adapting on the fly. They keep expecting the fold that will never come.
This year, when the Red Sox arrive at the pick up window, they won't get "served;" the Yankees won't hand them their Big Macs and fries, take their money and send them away. This year, the Red Sox will reach through the pick up window, grab the Big Macs, grab the fries and empty the register while their at it, and the Yankees will never have seen it coming. (Note: Just to be clear, Jose did not rob a McDonald's last night, it is a metaphor. He just had a quarter-pounder and fries.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sadly, Jose missed the thrilling conclusion to last night's game. He had budgeted 3.5 hours for the game before going off to a party, and he had assumed that it would be plenty of time, that the game would be over then either due to rain or by natural causes. But it wasn't over, so when Jose left at 10:30 with the Sox down 2-1, even with Tanyon Sturze on the mound, he did not see good things on the horizon.
At about midnight, Jose learned the result thanks to the Melendezette's Internet phone, and yet even then he wasn't relieved. Indeed, Jose went home and fell into a drunken, tormented sleep, still worrying in his dreams that the Yankees had won and were poised to capture the next two. But remember this, Jose's sports dreams are the anti-Doppler radar of prognostication. If Jose's dreams it, it's not certainly false, but it probably is...and you know what that means? Sox sweep.
2. Jose Melendez has just received this special report from the Bronx -- Miguel Cairo is still running around the bases at Yankee Stadium muttering to himself, "It must have been a homer, it must have been a homer."
Jose knows that the Yankees are desperate and hear the hungry wolves out of Boston at their door, but he had never thought that they were delusional until he saw Cairo high fiving in celebration of his long, hard out. Frankly, Jose is worried about Cairo's mental health. He is even more worried, because he has heard that the Yankee health plan does not cover Lithium.
3. At about 2AM last night, Jose found himself standing at the drive through window of a McDonald's in East Cambridge trying to get a little bit of late night gnosh. Jose discovered that when you are not in a car the sensors will not pick you up and they will not ask to take your order; it is as though you do not even exist. In other words, if things are not as they are "supposed to be," as they normally are, the system cannot recognize that circumstances have changed and cannot adapt. This is what is happening in this division race.
The Yankees are McDonald's, rich, fat and greasy, and the Red Sox are walking through the drive through. Every year before, the Red Sox showed up atthe drive through window in a car, and the Yankees saw them coming and got ready to serve them. This year the Red Sox are walking through undetected, it dosen't fit the old patterns of behavior, and the Yankees are structurally incapable of adapting on the fly. They keep expecting the fold that will never come.
This year, when the Red Sox arrive at the pick up window, they won't get "served;" the Yankees won't hand them their Big Macs and fries, take their money and send them away. This year, the Red Sox will reach through the pick up window, grab the Big Macs, grab the fries and empty the register while their at it, and the Yankees will never have seen it coming. (Note: Just to be clear, Jose did not rob a McDonald's last night, it is a metaphor. He just had a quarter-pounder and fries.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, September 17
From SoSH: Re: 9/17 - Sox vs. Yanks -- Here we go
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Today was supposed to be the day Jose really brought the hammer down on Eric Kneel. He was going to be Kurt Rambis to Jose’s Kevin McHale, Moondog Spot to Jose’s Hulk Hogan, Alf to Jose’s Major Dad. Jose was going to go on about his mother, make other jokes about why his name is Kneel (think about why some people kneel) and generally shred the guy, but Jose just can’t do it. Why? Because Eric Kneel discovered Jose Melendez’s kryptonite.
Jose had Kneel right where he wanted him and was poised to snap shut the pincers and deliver the touch of death (Note: Mixing metaphors is fantastic), and then…then Eric Kneel wrote Jose a really nice letter...not obsequious nice, just friendly and complementary. He explained that he was glad Jose had played along with the sarcastic good humor, and that he really enjoyed Jose’s stuff. Then Jose sent him a reply suggesting that he take further pot shots and pointing out that feuds are good for business. After all Family Feud has made it through four hosts. (Note: As Jose pointed out in a previous KEYS.) Eric Kneel sent another answer asking for Jose’s story and his opinion on the Sox. Now it is possible that Jose is being suckered and Eric Kneel will use his kneeling posture to deliver a low blow, but it just doesn’t feel like it.
Quite simply, Jose cannot be cruel and vicious to someone who appears to be so nice. Jose thinks of himself as a nice person, and that demands that niceness be reciprocated. Maybe this is why Jose isn’t a sports reporter. Jose recalls Shaughnessy writing about how Wade Boggs had been so nice to his daughter when she was fighting cancer and then he still had to go rip him. Jose couldn’t do it…unless he was getting paid a lot.
So here are Jose’s options. One, Eric Kneel officially becomes Jose’s pal, and Jose will only say nice things about him and compliment his baseball wisdom, writing skill and personal hygiene. Two, Jose attacks Kneel so viciously that Kneel will be forced to either become an ass right back or completely be Jose’s bitch. This is what mean people do. They make one sink to their level or be overwhelmed. Three, Jose continues to rip Kneel publicly, but carries on a cordial posture in any communications that are not public.
The third seems like the way to go. You all will read Jose and Eric Kneel spewing bile at each other and assume we’re enemies with hate running through our veins. Then one day you’ll read a story about how Eric Kneel was arrested for driving drunk on the Jersey Turnpike and Jose Melendez was in the passenger seat, and you’ll say “Weren’t these two supposed to hate each other?” Don’t say it could never happen. It happened to the Iron Sheik and Hacksaw Jim Duggan when they were feuding about which is better the U.S.A. or Iran. (Note: Jose expect Eric Kneel comes down on the Iran side in this debate.)
So Eric, Jose understands you work for ESPN, which Jose assumes must stand for Eric Steals, Plagiarizes Names. Bring it!
2. Now as the biggest series of the year begins, let’s take a look at what Dan Shaughnessy, the aforementioned mean writer, has to say in his column today.
“John Kerry…and…cover boy…Dan Rather…feel…vilified.” (Note: That’s a great scoop Dan, are you sure that’s yours or did you pull a Kneel?)
“Alex Rodriguez…has…blown…Tanyon Sturze…and showered upon...Don Zimmer” (Note: Man, Shaughnessy really gets the freaky stories. The Herald must be pissed that the Globe got that one and blew its chance to write a back page story on deviant sexual practices in baseball.)
“What is beyond dispute is…the USA-USSR missile race…is…back.” (Note: While it’s good to see Dan (mis)using some of his precious column inches to express concern about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s efforts to use the events in Beslan to further centralize power, the sports page may not be the best venue for it.)
3. Yesterday the Yankees won a coin flip to determine who would host a playoff game for the AL East crown. According to Jose’s sources, George Steinbrenner provided the coin for the flip out of funds obtained by liquidating the dental plan for non-Baseball Yankee employees, making them pay for the air they breathe at work and pay for their own urinal cakes from a dispenser in the men’s room. Also, all non-baseball employees who are rained on at tonight’s game will have to pay a share of the Yankees’ water and sewer bill.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Today was supposed to be the day Jose really brought the hammer down on Eric Kneel. He was going to be Kurt Rambis to Jose’s Kevin McHale, Moondog Spot to Jose’s Hulk Hogan, Alf to Jose’s Major Dad. Jose was going to go on about his mother, make other jokes about why his name is Kneel (think about why some people kneel) and generally shred the guy, but Jose just can’t do it. Why? Because Eric Kneel discovered Jose Melendez’s kryptonite.
Jose had Kneel right where he wanted him and was poised to snap shut the pincers and deliver the touch of death (Note: Mixing metaphors is fantastic), and then…then Eric Kneel wrote Jose a really nice letter...not obsequious nice, just friendly and complementary. He explained that he was glad Jose had played along with the sarcastic good humor, and that he really enjoyed Jose’s stuff. Then Jose sent him a reply suggesting that he take further pot shots and pointing out that feuds are good for business. After all Family Feud has made it through four hosts. (Note: As Jose pointed out in a previous KEYS.) Eric Kneel sent another answer asking for Jose’s story and his opinion on the Sox. Now it is possible that Jose is being suckered and Eric Kneel will use his kneeling posture to deliver a low blow, but it just doesn’t feel like it.
Quite simply, Jose cannot be cruel and vicious to someone who appears to be so nice. Jose thinks of himself as a nice person, and that demands that niceness be reciprocated. Maybe this is why Jose isn’t a sports reporter. Jose recalls Shaughnessy writing about how Wade Boggs had been so nice to his daughter when she was fighting cancer and then he still had to go rip him. Jose couldn’t do it…unless he was getting paid a lot.
So here are Jose’s options. One, Eric Kneel officially becomes Jose’s pal, and Jose will only say nice things about him and compliment his baseball wisdom, writing skill and personal hygiene. Two, Jose attacks Kneel so viciously that Kneel will be forced to either become an ass right back or completely be Jose’s bitch. This is what mean people do. They make one sink to their level or be overwhelmed. Three, Jose continues to rip Kneel publicly, but carries on a cordial posture in any communications that are not public.
The third seems like the way to go. You all will read Jose and Eric Kneel spewing bile at each other and assume we’re enemies with hate running through our veins. Then one day you’ll read a story about how Eric Kneel was arrested for driving drunk on the Jersey Turnpike and Jose Melendez was in the passenger seat, and you’ll say “Weren’t these two supposed to hate each other?” Don’t say it could never happen. It happened to the Iron Sheik and Hacksaw Jim Duggan when they were feuding about which is better the U.S.A. or Iran. (Note: Jose expect Eric Kneel comes down on the Iran side in this debate.)
So Eric, Jose understands you work for ESPN, which Jose assumes must stand for Eric Steals, Plagiarizes Names. Bring it!
2. Now as the biggest series of the year begins, let’s take a look at what Dan Shaughnessy, the aforementioned mean writer, has to say in his column today.
“John Kerry…and…cover boy…Dan Rather…feel…vilified.” (Note: That’s a great scoop Dan, are you sure that’s yours or did you pull a Kneel?)
“Alex Rodriguez…has…blown…Tanyon Sturze…and showered upon...Don Zimmer” (Note: Man, Shaughnessy really gets the freaky stories. The Herald must be pissed that the Globe got that one and blew its chance to write a back page story on deviant sexual practices in baseball.)
“What is beyond dispute is…the USA-USSR missile race…is…back.” (Note: While it’s good to see Dan (mis)using some of his precious column inches to express concern about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s efforts to use the events in Beslan to further centralize power, the sports page may not be the best venue for it.)
3. Yesterday the Yankees won a coin flip to determine who would host a playoff game for the AL East crown. According to Jose’s sources, George Steinbrenner provided the coin for the flip out of funds obtained by liquidating the dental plan for non-Baseball Yankee employees, making them pay for the air they breathe at work and pay for their own urinal cakes from a dispenser in the men’s room. Also, all non-baseball employees who are rained on at tonight’s game will have to pay a share of the Yankees’ water and sewer bill.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, September 16
From SoSH: Re: 9/16 - Sox vs. Rays -- The final tune-up
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Unbelievable!!! After all of the time Jose spent trying to bait Tony Castrati into a feud, after all the bashing and meanness, all it takes is one kind email to Eric Kneel asking him to simply give due credit and the ESPN columnist crumbles like Kevin Brown’s fist against a concrete wall. (Note: Get it “Kneel?” Like he’s “kneeling” before Jose’s greatness? Of course, some schoolyard bully probably thought that up when Kneel was in second grade, so Jose shouldn’t take to much credit. Eric, if you send Jose the bully’s name, he’ll be happy to run it.)
So how to handle this? For starters, in the spirit of giving credit, Jose would like to thank an EZmailer named ekim colorwaterpit who had the following exchange with Kneel in a live chat.
“Nick (Atlanta)Did you make up the name Balki for Arroyo all by yourself or did you get it from somewhere?ERIC [K]NEELI'd never seen it anywhere else. It just seemed like a natural. There are two Bronson's to work in here: Pinchot and Charles. Charles seems like a stretch...”
Chat with Eric Kneel for money
And there is still more credit to go around. Jose would like to thank you, Eric Kneel, for having the integrity to admit, however bitterly, that someone else got there first, that when you landed on the shores of Balki, the flag of Melendezville was already there. And yet Jose cannot help but feel that perhaps your “mea culpa” was a bit backhanded. You know that mea culpa means “I’m sorry” or “my bad” right? It doesn’t translate as “someone thought up an idea before me and called me on it and now I have to swallow hard, but I don’t want to, so I think I’ll be sarcastic instead.” (Note: Or maybe it does, Jose’s Latin is not so good.) Given all of the fancy foreign language, perhaps Jose should just run Mr. Kneel through the old translator. Sorry Tony Castrati, today you’re off the hook.
Eric Kneel is so very, very, sorry
What Eric Kneel says: “A weblogging reader from Boston who calls himself Jose Melendez (after a one-time Mariners and Red Sox pitcher)”
What Eric Kneel means: Even with all of ESPN’s resources, I could not bother to even send an intern to look at MLB.com or a reference book so I would know that Jose Melendez pitched in San Diego too.
What EK says: “My sincere apologies, Jose.”
What EK means: My completely insincere apologies, jerk.
What EK says: Far be it for me to tramp on a man's legacy.
What EK means: Your legacy is talking to nerds on an internet chat group, I on the other hand work for the great ESPN, a major cable network that still covers sports almost 40 percent of the time!!!
What EK says: “I honestly didn't know you'd been down the Balki road before me. Still, I wish now that I had gone with the other Bronson reference I was thinking of at the time, and called him Death Wish Arroyo. My bad.”
What EK means: Yup no one had ever thought of the Charles Bronson route before me. Not posters at the world famous sonsofsamhorn.com. And certainly not Bob Hohler Boston Globe who on April 9, 2004, reported that Bronson Arroyo IS ACTUALLY NAMED ATER CHARLES BRONSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One can’t really trust the Globe anyway, it’s not like it’s a major metropolitan newspaper with hundreds of thousands of readers or anything. (Note: Oops Eric, Jose thinks you owe Bob Hohler an insincere apology now too.)
What EK says: “I'd also like to apologize for my reckless use of the terms ‘Boston,’ ‘Red Sox,’ ‘pitcher,’ ‘starts,’ ‘offense,’ ‘GM,’ and ‘Theo,’ any one of which you may also have used on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.”
What EK means: I hereby take back of all of the apologizing I may have done on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.
Geez. Once it’s all been translated it doesn’t sound very apologetic at all does it?
2. Yesterday, token German SoSH poster ossie schrekngost suggested that Jose was a German soul trapped in the body of an American. Ossie is so close and yet so completely wrong.
Jose is in fact one-eighth German (Note: His great grandmother was from Rothenburg ob der Tauber, a scenic walled town on Germany’s Romantic Road.) Jose has studied the German language and lived in Freiburg Germany. He loves German culture and literature and art, but he is no German at heart. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Granny Melendez is an Austrian Jew who emigrated from Vienna in 1939 across the Atlantic. Her parents went the long way, across Eastern Europe, Siberia, Japanese-controlled Manchuria, the Sea of Japan, Japan, the Pacific Ocean and the American content to escape the Nazis. Thus, Jose grew up with moehntorte, Mozart and knowing that Schwarzenegger meant "black plowman" long before he was Governor. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Indeed, when Jose, after two years of college German, went to study in Germany, Granny Melendez had one simple dictum "If you come back speaking like a Prussian, I’ll kill you." Yes, in his soul Jose had no choice but to be an Austrian.
But, Jose would not want anyone to think that his soul is Austrian on the basis of history or heritage. Frankly, Germany has done a far better job of coming to terms with the dark periods in its history than Austria, where the temptation to view Austria as Hitler’s first victim remains strong. Austria was not a victim – it was a perpetrator, just as Germany was.
No, Jose identifies with Austria because he is from Boston and not from New York. The relationship between Boston and New York is remarkably similar to that between Austria and Germany. In both cases the latter is huge, dominating, numerically much larger, much richer and much better known and understood by people around the world. Just as obnoxious New Yorkers flood the Cape, Vermont and other scenic New England locales, the Germans in their big BMW’s, with their loud voices and heavy drinking invade Austria, and everyplace else in Europe every summer. (Note: That said, heavy drinking German tourists are a hell of a lot of fun.) The former in both cases is a center of high culture and intellect, and its people know in their hearts…they know for certain that they are actually better. Jose knows in his heart Boston is better. Yes, in his soul, Jose is an Austrian.
And in the sporting realm both Boston and Austria have suffered defeat after defeat to their rivals. Just as the Yankees lead the Red Sox by a considerable margin in rings since 1918, Germany has dominated Austria in soccer and won both World and Euro cups. Indeed, every Austrian sports fan knows the last time their team beat the Germans. (Note: Jose doesn’t know though, so maybe he’s not so Austrian. He thinks it was 1979.)
So, sorry ossie, Jose’s soul is Austrian, not German. But this year to have an Austrian soul will not mean a quiet sense of superiority in the face of superior numbers and resources. No, not this year. Jose wouldn’t dare make a baseball prediction, but let’s put it this way, the first time after October that Austria plays Germany, bet the farm on Austria.
3. Congratulations to Tim Wakefield who passed Roger Clemens for number two on the Red Sox all time appearances list when he took the mound last night, despite his shaky performance. But appearances are a funny statistic. If a pitcher enters a game but clearly isn’t really “all there” does that count as an appearance? Jose is thinking about Calvin Schiraldi here.
Jose is also a little surprised by the list. Jose knew that Bob Stanley would be number one, but he didn’t expect Clemens to be number two. Jose sort of figured it would be Greg Harris, because as best Jose can recall, Harris appeared in 236 games in the 1990 season alone.
Still, congratulations to Wake are in order. When Jose bought a Wakefield jersey in 1995 in the middle of his 14-1 streak, Jose never thought Wakefield would be the last member of that team still with the organization. Jose was almost sure Dwayne Hosey would hang around longer.
(Note: Because Jose worked at Fenway that summer, it is one of his formative seasons, along with 1999, when he lived in Kenmore Square, and this season, when he writes KEYS. To this day, every time Alan Embree runs out of the pen wearing number 43, Jose thinks, look we reacquired Stan Belinda.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Unbelievable!!! After all of the time Jose spent trying to bait Tony Castrati into a feud, after all the bashing and meanness, all it takes is one kind email to Eric Kneel asking him to simply give due credit and the ESPN columnist crumbles like Kevin Brown’s fist against a concrete wall. (Note: Get it “Kneel?” Like he’s “kneeling” before Jose’s greatness? Of course, some schoolyard bully probably thought that up when Kneel was in second grade, so Jose shouldn’t take to much credit. Eric, if you send Jose the bully’s name, he’ll be happy to run it.)
So how to handle this? For starters, in the spirit of giving credit, Jose would like to thank an EZmailer named ekim colorwaterpit who had the following exchange with Kneel in a live chat.
“Nick (Atlanta)Did you make up the name Balki for Arroyo all by yourself or did you get it from somewhere?ERIC [K]NEELI'd never seen it anywhere else. It just seemed like a natural. There are two Bronson's to work in here: Pinchot and Charles. Charles seems like a stretch...”
Chat with Eric Kneel for money
And there is still more credit to go around. Jose would like to thank you, Eric Kneel, for having the integrity to admit, however bitterly, that someone else got there first, that when you landed on the shores of Balki, the flag of Melendezville was already there. And yet Jose cannot help but feel that perhaps your “mea culpa” was a bit backhanded. You know that mea culpa means “I’m sorry” or “my bad” right? It doesn’t translate as “someone thought up an idea before me and called me on it and now I have to swallow hard, but I don’t want to, so I think I’ll be sarcastic instead.” (Note: Or maybe it does, Jose’s Latin is not so good.) Given all of the fancy foreign language, perhaps Jose should just run Mr. Kneel through the old translator. Sorry Tony Castrati, today you’re off the hook.
Eric Kneel is so very, very, sorry
What Eric Kneel says: “A weblogging reader from Boston who calls himself Jose Melendez (after a one-time Mariners and Red Sox pitcher)”
What Eric Kneel means: Even with all of ESPN’s resources, I could not bother to even send an intern to look at MLB.com or a reference book so I would know that Jose Melendez pitched in San Diego too.
What EK says: “My sincere apologies, Jose.”
What EK means: My completely insincere apologies, jerk.
What EK says: Far be it for me to tramp on a man's legacy.
What EK means: Your legacy is talking to nerds on an internet chat group, I on the other hand work for the great ESPN, a major cable network that still covers sports almost 40 percent of the time!!!
What EK says: “I honestly didn't know you'd been down the Balki road before me. Still, I wish now that I had gone with the other Bronson reference I was thinking of at the time, and called him Death Wish Arroyo. My bad.”
What EK means: Yup no one had ever thought of the Charles Bronson route before me. Not posters at the world famous sonsofsamhorn.com. And certainly not Bob Hohler Boston Globe who on April 9, 2004, reported that Bronson Arroyo IS ACTUALLY NAMED ATER CHARLES BRONSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One can’t really trust the Globe anyway, it’s not like it’s a major metropolitan newspaper with hundreds of thousands of readers or anything. (Note: Oops Eric, Jose thinks you owe Bob Hohler an insincere apology now too.)
What EK says: “I'd also like to apologize for my reckless use of the terms ‘Boston,’ ‘Red Sox,’ ‘pitcher,’ ‘starts,’ ‘offense,’ ‘GM,’ and ‘Theo,’ any one of which you may also have used on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.”
What EK means: I hereby take back of all of the apologizing I may have done on or about May 21, 2004, or at any time since.
Geez. Once it’s all been translated it doesn’t sound very apologetic at all does it?
2. Yesterday, token German SoSH poster ossie schrekngost suggested that Jose was a German soul trapped in the body of an American. Ossie is so close and yet so completely wrong.
Jose is in fact one-eighth German (Note: His great grandmother was from Rothenburg ob der Tauber, a scenic walled town on Germany’s Romantic Road.) Jose has studied the German language and lived in Freiburg Germany. He loves German culture and literature and art, but he is no German at heart. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Granny Melendez is an Austrian Jew who emigrated from Vienna in 1939 across the Atlantic. Her parents went the long way, across Eastern Europe, Siberia, Japanese-controlled Manchuria, the Sea of Japan, Japan, the Pacific Ocean and the American content to escape the Nazis. Thus, Jose grew up with moehntorte, Mozart and knowing that Schwarzenegger meant "black plowman" long before he was Governor. Yes, in his soul Jose is an Austrian.
Indeed, when Jose, after two years of college German, went to study in Germany, Granny Melendez had one simple dictum "If you come back speaking like a Prussian, I’ll kill you." Yes, in his soul Jose had no choice but to be an Austrian.
But, Jose would not want anyone to think that his soul is Austrian on the basis of history or heritage. Frankly, Germany has done a far better job of coming to terms with the dark periods in its history than Austria, where the temptation to view Austria as Hitler’s first victim remains strong. Austria was not a victim – it was a perpetrator, just as Germany was.
No, Jose identifies with Austria because he is from Boston and not from New York. The relationship between Boston and New York is remarkably similar to that between Austria and Germany. In both cases the latter is huge, dominating, numerically much larger, much richer and much better known and understood by people around the world. Just as obnoxious New Yorkers flood the Cape, Vermont and other scenic New England locales, the Germans in their big BMW’s, with their loud voices and heavy drinking invade Austria, and everyplace else in Europe every summer. (Note: That said, heavy drinking German tourists are a hell of a lot of fun.) The former in both cases is a center of high culture and intellect, and its people know in their hearts…they know for certain that they are actually better. Jose knows in his heart Boston is better. Yes, in his soul, Jose is an Austrian.
And in the sporting realm both Boston and Austria have suffered defeat after defeat to their rivals. Just as the Yankees lead the Red Sox by a considerable margin in rings since 1918, Germany has dominated Austria in soccer and won both World and Euro cups. Indeed, every Austrian sports fan knows the last time their team beat the Germans. (Note: Jose doesn’t know though, so maybe he’s not so Austrian. He thinks it was 1979.)
So, sorry ossie, Jose’s soul is Austrian, not German. But this year to have an Austrian soul will not mean a quiet sense of superiority in the face of superior numbers and resources. No, not this year. Jose wouldn’t dare make a baseball prediction, but let’s put it this way, the first time after October that Austria plays Germany, bet the farm on Austria.
3. Congratulations to Tim Wakefield who passed Roger Clemens for number two on the Red Sox all time appearances list when he took the mound last night, despite his shaky performance. But appearances are a funny statistic. If a pitcher enters a game but clearly isn’t really “all there” does that count as an appearance? Jose is thinking about Calvin Schiraldi here.
Jose is also a little surprised by the list. Jose knew that Bob Stanley would be number one, but he didn’t expect Clemens to be number two. Jose sort of figured it would be Greg Harris, because as best Jose can recall, Harris appeared in 236 games in the 1990 season alone.
Still, congratulations to Wake are in order. When Jose bought a Wakefield jersey in 1995 in the middle of his 14-1 streak, Jose never thought Wakefield would be the last member of that team still with the organization. Jose was almost sure Dwayne Hosey would hang around longer.
(Note: Because Jose worked at Fenway that summer, it is one of his formative seasons, along with 1999, when he lived in Kenmore Square, and this season, when he writes KEYS. To this day, every time Alan Embree runs out of the pen wearing number 43, Jose thinks, look we reacquired Stan Belinda.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wednesday, September 15
From SoSH: Re: 9/15 - Sox vs. Rays -- Taking it home
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As much as Jose is infuriated by the Red Sox bowing to yet another rookie pitcher they’d never seen before , he has to hand it to young Scott Kazmir. (Note: Hopefully the Yankees haven’t noticed this or they’ll be bringing up their AA team to pitch to us, maybe that 45 year old Almonte kid from the Bronx). Not only did the 20 year old show tremendous poise before an enormous, juiced up Fenway crowd, he managed to pitch well despite the fact that two nuclear powers lay claim to him. After last night’s performance, Jose can see why India and Pakistan have gone to war over him on three occasions. He would be brilliant on the cricket pitch.
2. Jose would have been concerned about injury to Umlaut at any time, but usually the knowledge that Kevin Youklis was waiting in the wings would calm his jangled nerves, but not now, dear God not now. Tonight, missing Umlaut is really going to hurt. Jose can only assume that Mark Bellhorn will be your starting third baseman tonight and Pokey Reese will be your second baseman, what with tonight being Rosh Hashanah or ‘Jewish New Year,” the second holiest day on the Jewish calendar. (Note: Instead of saying “Buenos Noches” Amigos tonight could Jerry Remy say “Shana Tova Amigos” tonight—happy New Year amigos—you know, to reach out to the Juan Epsteins—or Theo Epsteins out there?) The Sox also stand to lose The Jewish God of Walks (Therefore the only God) and The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew for the September 24 game against the Yankees(Note: Yom Kippur) …unless…you know… they’re as observant as Jose who has been known to eat ham and cheese and trip his sideburns on all manner of holy days. This is the only time Jose will say this, but he would prefer that they not be like Sandy Koufax.
3. Yes, yes Jose knows that it was malicious and wrong, but there was a little part of Jose that was glad to see Rangers reliever Frank Francisco give a chair shot to a couple of fans two nights ago. It is not that Jose likes to see people get hurt; he does not. What he does like, however, is the possibilities this creates, the possibilities to bring the genius of pro wrestling into baseball in a richer way.
Imagine it is game three of the ALCS, Red Sox/Yankees live from Fenway Park. In the third inning, Bronson Arroyo pitches A-Rod inside and the jittery slugger takes exception. As he trots down to first, A-Rod, not bright enough to learn his lesson no matter how many times he visits Harvard’s campus, talks back to Jason Varitek yet again. Varitek approaches A-Rod, but this time A-Rod sucker punches him. Varitek, a tough SOB, refuses to drop from A-Rod’s flimsy punch and a brawl ensues. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a cloud of blinding green mist shoots from Varitek's mouth blinding Rodriguez. As A-Rod squirms, Varitek drops the big leg for the pin 1-2-3.
Jose knows the blinding mist is traditionally an Asian thing (Note: Jose knows he uses it every time he gets in a fight) but since BK Kim isn’t likely to be on the roster, Tek seemed as good a person as anyone to engage the deadly arts of the Orient.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As much as Jose is infuriated by the Red Sox bowing to yet another rookie pitcher they’d never seen before , he has to hand it to young Scott Kazmir. (Note: Hopefully the Yankees haven’t noticed this or they’ll be bringing up their AA team to pitch to us, maybe that 45 year old Almonte kid from the Bronx). Not only did the 20 year old show tremendous poise before an enormous, juiced up Fenway crowd, he managed to pitch well despite the fact that two nuclear powers lay claim to him. After last night’s performance, Jose can see why India and Pakistan have gone to war over him on three occasions. He would be brilliant on the cricket pitch.
2. Jose would have been concerned about injury to Umlaut at any time, but usually the knowledge that Kevin Youklis was waiting in the wings would calm his jangled nerves, but not now, dear God not now. Tonight, missing Umlaut is really going to hurt. Jose can only assume that Mark Bellhorn will be your starting third baseman tonight and Pokey Reese will be your second baseman, what with tonight being Rosh Hashanah or ‘Jewish New Year,” the second holiest day on the Jewish calendar. (Note: Instead of saying “Buenos Noches” Amigos tonight could Jerry Remy say “Shana Tova Amigos” tonight—happy New Year amigos—you know, to reach out to the Juan Epsteins—or Theo Epsteins out there?) The Sox also stand to lose The Jewish God of Walks (Therefore the only God) and The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew for the September 24 game against the Yankees(Note: Yom Kippur) …unless…you know… they’re as observant as Jose who has been known to eat ham and cheese and trip his sideburns on all manner of holy days. This is the only time Jose will say this, but he would prefer that they not be like Sandy Koufax.
3. Yes, yes Jose knows that it was malicious and wrong, but there was a little part of Jose that was glad to see Rangers reliever Frank Francisco give a chair shot to a couple of fans two nights ago. It is not that Jose likes to see people get hurt; he does not. What he does like, however, is the possibilities this creates, the possibilities to bring the genius of pro wrestling into baseball in a richer way.
Imagine it is game three of the ALCS, Red Sox/Yankees live from Fenway Park. In the third inning, Bronson Arroyo pitches A-Rod inside and the jittery slugger takes exception. As he trots down to first, A-Rod, not bright enough to learn his lesson no matter how many times he visits Harvard’s campus, talks back to Jason Varitek yet again. Varitek approaches A-Rod, but this time A-Rod sucker punches him. Varitek, a tough SOB, refuses to drop from A-Rod’s flimsy punch and a brawl ensues. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a cloud of blinding green mist shoots from Varitek's mouth blinding Rodriguez. As A-Rod squirms, Varitek drops the big leg for the pin 1-2-3.
Jose knows the blinding mist is traditionally an Asian thing (Note: Jose knows he uses it every time he gets in a fight) but since BK Kim isn’t likely to be on the roster, Tek seemed as good a person as anyone to engage the deadly arts of the Orient.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Monday, September 13
From SoSH: Re: 9/14 Tampa vs Boston
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The most interesting result of Sunday’s game has been the lack of criticism of Manny Ramirez for his counting error in the first inning. (Note: Maybe we should have a team accountant to keep track for him.) This is the sort of think people get mocked for. George Will mocked Trot Nixon for it at BU graduation one year. Jose imagines William F. Buckley probably ripped Ted Williams for the same thing once upon a time. And perhaps in the future Anne Coulter will rip Allen Iverson for forgetting about the number of outs. Wait Allen Iverson doesn’t play baseball? He plays basketball, where there are no outs? So it would be impossible for that accusation to be true? Well don’t worry, that won’t keep Coulter from saying it. (Note: It is completely unfair for Jose to group principled, intelligent conservatives like Will and Buckley, who Jose respects even if he deeply believes everything they stand for is wrong, with Coulter an unprincipled, unintelligent harpy. Sorry about that.)
Moving away from the mischievous undertow of politics that drive down Jose’s broad appeal and back to Manny, Jose has had a hard time believing what he heard. It might have been too early in the morning for him to have heard correctly, but Jose is pretty sure that the despicable Gerry Callahan, always ready to attack minority athletes (Note: Jose thought about not writing this, but he really thinks it’s true gave Manny a free pass. Even more surprisingly, Dan Shaughnessy seems to have been able to forgive Manny. Much like the proverbial Grinch, Shaughnessy’s heart appears to have grown three sizes in quite the short span.
Tony Castrati, never quite as dour as Callahan or Shaughnessy was also forgiving, but let’s take a look at what he really meant. Back when Tony was a girl
What TC says: "About once a month, the laws of nature dictate that Manny Ramirez will suffer from mental cramps."
What TC means: "Manny was just going through male menstruation yesterday. I guess, I came up with this metaphor since our next series is against Tampax Bay. Not that I made that up or anything.
What TC says: "All you can do is hope that they don't come at the wrong time."
What TC means: Because if it comes at the wrong time it can be really embarrassing. When I was sixteen, I was at the movies and I was sitting on my legs and was wearing white knee socks. When the movie ended and the lights came back on, I discovered that my socks were covered in blood because my…wait, I’ve already said too much.
What TC says: "Ramirez' brain locked up like a zoo gate."
What TC means: OK enough menstruation analogies, let’s move directly on to caged wild animals. Maybe this one next. "Ramirez’s mistake was worse than a discount lion safari." (Note: Apologies to the Simpsons.)
What TC says: "Sox third base coach Dale Sveum suggested that Ramirez simply misread Varitek's liner."
What TC means: Is Dale Sveum saying Manny is illiterate? Do I smell a scoop?
What TC says: "Making it mathematically impossible for there to be more than one out."
What TC means: He can’t do math either, but I’m not going to just out and out call him stupid.
What TC says: "Manny Magoo."
What TC means: Manny is also blind. (Note: This one actually annoys Jose. TC is just totaling butchering a cartoon analogy. This is like calling him Manny E. Coyote because he always fails to catch the roadrunner. It just doesn’t make any sense.)
What TC says: "Trying to explain Ramirez' thinking can be like trying to determine the cause behind a crying, inconsolable infant. You can come up theories, but the reality is you just never know for sure. Eventually, however, the crying stops. And all you can do is focus on the good things."
What TC means: I am a new father, and I think that I have invented fatherhood. (Note: In all seriousness, it’s great that you’re enjoying your child. Jose is genuinely happy for you, but this is not the place for this analogy. Do we have 18 years of child rearing sports analogies ahead of us.
Actually, Jose should not be so quick to judge. Jose was trying to organize a public meeting a few weeks ago for work, and he suggested that instead of offering a morning time or an evening time, on which the attendees would never agree, we should offer only two different evening times. "Do you want the meeting at 5 or 7?" Jose suggested we ask. It would be like asking a child "Do you want to use your red toothbrush or your blue toothbrush?" rather than asking "Do you want to brush your teeth?" It creates the illusion of choice. Jose has no children and all of his bosses do, so they looked at him like he was nuts, but Jose insists the metaphor was valid, more so than TC’s anyway.)
3.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wait, Jose thought that was the third KEY. Nuts. He must have lost count.
1. The most interesting result of Sunday’s game has been the lack of criticism of Manny Ramirez for his counting error in the first inning. (Note: Maybe we should have a team accountant to keep track for him.) This is the sort of think people get mocked for. George Will mocked Trot Nixon for it at BU graduation one year. Jose imagines William F. Buckley probably ripped Ted Williams for the same thing once upon a time. And perhaps in the future Anne Coulter will rip Allen Iverson for forgetting about the number of outs. Wait Allen Iverson doesn’t play baseball? He plays basketball, where there are no outs? So it would be impossible for that accusation to be true? Well don’t worry, that won’t keep Coulter from saying it. (Note: It is completely unfair for Jose to group principled, intelligent conservatives like Will and Buckley, who Jose respects even if he deeply believes everything they stand for is wrong, with Coulter an unprincipled, unintelligent harpy. Sorry about that.)
Moving away from the mischievous undertow of politics that drive down Jose’s broad appeal and back to Manny, Jose has had a hard time believing what he heard. It might have been too early in the morning for him to have heard correctly, but Jose is pretty sure that the despicable Gerry Callahan, always ready to attack minority athletes (Note: Jose thought about not writing this, but he really thinks it’s true gave Manny a free pass. Even more surprisingly, Dan Shaughnessy seems to have been able to forgive Manny. Much like the proverbial Grinch, Shaughnessy’s heart appears to have grown three sizes in quite the short span.
Tony Castrati, never quite as dour as Callahan or Shaughnessy was also forgiving, but let’s take a look at what he really meant. Back when Tony was a girl
What TC says: "About once a month, the laws of nature dictate that Manny Ramirez will suffer from mental cramps."
What TC means: "Manny was just going through male menstruation yesterday. I guess, I came up with this metaphor since our next series is against Tampax Bay. Not that I made that up or anything.
What TC says: "All you can do is hope that they don't come at the wrong time."
What TC means: Because if it comes at the wrong time it can be really embarrassing. When I was sixteen, I was at the movies and I was sitting on my legs and was wearing white knee socks. When the movie ended and the lights came back on, I discovered that my socks were covered in blood because my…wait, I’ve already said too much.
What TC says: "Ramirez' brain locked up like a zoo gate."
What TC means: OK enough menstruation analogies, let’s move directly on to caged wild animals. Maybe this one next. "Ramirez’s mistake was worse than a discount lion safari." (Note: Apologies to the Simpsons.)
What TC says: "Sox third base coach Dale Sveum suggested that Ramirez simply misread Varitek's liner."
What TC means: Is Dale Sveum saying Manny is illiterate? Do I smell a scoop?
What TC says: "Making it mathematically impossible for there to be more than one out."
What TC means: He can’t do math either, but I’m not going to just out and out call him stupid.
What TC says: "Manny Magoo."
What TC means: Manny is also blind. (Note: This one actually annoys Jose. TC is just totaling butchering a cartoon analogy. This is like calling him Manny E. Coyote because he always fails to catch the roadrunner. It just doesn’t make any sense.)
What TC says: "Trying to explain Ramirez' thinking can be like trying to determine the cause behind a crying, inconsolable infant. You can come up theories, but the reality is you just never know for sure. Eventually, however, the crying stops. And all you can do is focus on the good things."
What TC means: I am a new father, and I think that I have invented fatherhood. (Note: In all seriousness, it’s great that you’re enjoying your child. Jose is genuinely happy for you, but this is not the place for this analogy. Do we have 18 years of child rearing sports analogies ahead of us.
Actually, Jose should not be so quick to judge. Jose was trying to organize a public meeting a few weeks ago for work, and he suggested that instead of offering a morning time or an evening time, on which the attendees would never agree, we should offer only two different evening times. "Do you want the meeting at 5 or 7?" Jose suggested we ask. It would be like asking a child "Do you want to use your red toothbrush or your blue toothbrush?" rather than asking "Do you want to brush your teeth?" It creates the illusion of choice. Jose has no children and all of his bosses do, so they looked at him like he was nuts, but Jose insists the metaphor was valid, more so than TC’s anyway.)
3.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wait, Jose thought that was the third KEY. Nuts. He must have lost count.
Sunday, September 12
From SoSH: Re: September 12th - We Crush Them
It’s time for Melendez Jose’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Before the Seattle series ends, Jose has to address the issues that came up in the SoSH game thread a few days ago. There was a lot of talking about how Ichiro has his first name on the back of his jersey rather than is last name. That in turn led to issues about whether Ichiro was, in fact, his first name or his last name, and that in turn led to a broader discussion about Asian names, which in turn led to the Melendezette getting really angry. (Note: The Melendezette is half Irish-half Chinese).
To her mind, Asian athletic heroes were being torn down, and to use her words "I love the fact that Asian players are playing in the big leagues. Growing up I had very few Asian athletic role models - even fewer, okay no, half-Asian role models." Jose of course reminded her of Michael Chang, the athletic role model for all boys and girls having ethnic origins in Asia or the Pacific Islands (Note: Jose is pretty sure Margaret Cho did a lot of Michael Chang jokes once upon a time. See Eric Neel, giving credit, it’s great!!!)
Jose guesses the point is that despite the cultural confusion it may cause us, it is good to have people of all different ethnicities and nationalities in our professional sporting leagues. Heck, it may even be good that Wendall Kim is in the majors, because, despite his incompetence, he has paved the way for future generation of Korean third base coaches, who will hopefully be just as likeable, but a lot less incompetent. Actually, the whole thing has made Jose reexplore his own Japanese roots. That’s why from now one, Jose wishes to be known, in the tradition of his people, as Melendez Jose.
2. During Thursday night’s Patriots game, ABC used some ridiculous new feature that clocks a quarterback’s pass and then translates it into the speed of a baseball pitch. Apparently, Peyton Manning’s 56 mph pass would be 83 mph if he was throwing a baseball. Do the Yankees know about this? A starter who could bring the gas at 83 mph would be a huge upgrade to their rotation.
3. If the Scott Williamson elbow saga has shown anything, it’s that doctors don’t know anything and are just people who like to get up in other people’s business. Jose urges the Yankees to keep this in mind, as we go down the stretch. The next time a doctor tells one of your pitchers that if he doesn’t have surgery, he might never pitch again, just ignore him and send it out to pitch. He’ll be fine. Remember George, that Doctor just wants to take your money. If he really cared about the winning he’d tell players to get right back out there, not "rest a day" or "have reconstructive surgery. Isn’t that what you’d do?
I’m Melendez Jose, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Before the Seattle series ends, Jose has to address the issues that came up in the SoSH game thread a few days ago. There was a lot of talking about how Ichiro has his first name on the back of his jersey rather than is last name. That in turn led to issues about whether Ichiro was, in fact, his first name or his last name, and that in turn led to a broader discussion about Asian names, which in turn led to the Melendezette getting really angry. (Note: The Melendezette is half Irish-half Chinese).
To her mind, Asian athletic heroes were being torn down, and to use her words "I love the fact that Asian players are playing in the big leagues. Growing up I had very few Asian athletic role models - even fewer, okay no, half-Asian role models." Jose of course reminded her of Michael Chang, the athletic role model for all boys and girls having ethnic origins in Asia or the Pacific Islands (Note: Jose is pretty sure Margaret Cho did a lot of Michael Chang jokes once upon a time. See Eric Neel, giving credit, it’s great!!!)
Jose guesses the point is that despite the cultural confusion it may cause us, it is good to have people of all different ethnicities and nationalities in our professional sporting leagues. Heck, it may even be good that Wendall Kim is in the majors, because, despite his incompetence, he has paved the way for future generation of Korean third base coaches, who will hopefully be just as likeable, but a lot less incompetent. Actually, the whole thing has made Jose reexplore his own Japanese roots. That’s why from now one, Jose wishes to be known, in the tradition of his people, as Melendez Jose.
2. During Thursday night’s Patriots game, ABC used some ridiculous new feature that clocks a quarterback’s pass and then translates it into the speed of a baseball pitch. Apparently, Peyton Manning’s 56 mph pass would be 83 mph if he was throwing a baseball. Do the Yankees know about this? A starter who could bring the gas at 83 mph would be a huge upgrade to their rotation.
3. If the Scott Williamson elbow saga has shown anything, it’s that doctors don’t know anything and are just people who like to get up in other people’s business. Jose urges the Yankees to keep this in mind, as we go down the stretch. The next time a doctor tells one of your pitchers that if he doesn’t have surgery, he might never pitch again, just ignore him and send it out to pitch. He’ll be fine. Remember George, that Doctor just wants to take your money. If he really cared about the winning he’d tell players to get right back out there, not "rest a day" or "have reconstructive surgery. Isn’t that what you’d do?
I’m Melendez Jose, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Saturday, September 11
From SoSH: Re: September 11th - Bronson and Ron go for #2
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Is this West Coast swing over yet? Because it is killing Jose. Jose has this theory that West Coast road trips are a massive conspiracy by the Coffee Grower’s Association, or possibly some sort of secret aid stream to the Colombian government.
Normally, Jose drinks one to two cups of black tar per day. This week, however, when he has stayed up for every single game, he has been up to around five. Yesterday, Jose had three cups in a two hour meeting at the end of the day and boy did he pay for it. Jose tried to sleep at about 1AM, once the game’s outcome was no longer in doubt. But instead of drifting off into blissful slumber (Note: or even a fitful sleep), he lay there twitching for about an hour. Even the normally, reliable BBC could not send him off to Queen Mab. (Note: This is Jose’s first try at a Shakespeare allusion, and frankly he’s not sure he got it right. If he wants to sneak one by without anyone being able to verify whether he screwed it up, he should allude to Timons of Athens instead.)
So Jose got up and went for a walk around the drunk strewn streets of Boston at about 2 AM. Jose’s done this many times before, but rarely while sober himself, and it’s a whole different world. Jose saw at least three fist fights and five well-dressed people lying in their own filth. Actually, it was sort of like a trip to Yankee stadium.
Jose’s in a rush today, so lets see what the REAL news in Dan Shaughnessey’s column today is.
"We…are…shoving…come….into the handsome face of the Yankee Superstar…A-Rod" (Note: Jeez, are the KEYS working blue?)
"John Kerry…rained…the F-Word…on…Garciaparra…at the Barcelona Olympics." (Note: That’s at least as true as some of the Swift Boat ads.)
"The Yankees…cease-and-desist…intelligence…and…confidence." (Note: No controversy there.)
3. How long after the Buffett concert is over do you think the Red Sox will wait to announce that the concert at Fenway next year will be… Dropkick Murphys. Jose figures about a week. Jose knows they don’t quite have the fanatical following of a Springsteen or Buffett, but the Sox do seem intent on shoving them down our throats. (Note: Jose likes Dropkick Murhpys fine, and Tessie has grown on him, but as many SoSHers have pointed out, it’s been a bit much.) If the Sox are serious about having the best possible concert at Fenway, Jose hopes they are building a way back machine, so they can get The Clash circa 1978. And while their there can they pick up a young Bill Lee, you know, just for the series against Don Zimmer and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Is this West Coast swing over yet? Because it is killing Jose. Jose has this theory that West Coast road trips are a massive conspiracy by the Coffee Grower’s Association, or possibly some sort of secret aid stream to the Colombian government.
Normally, Jose drinks one to two cups of black tar per day. This week, however, when he has stayed up for every single game, he has been up to around five. Yesterday, Jose had three cups in a two hour meeting at the end of the day and boy did he pay for it. Jose tried to sleep at about 1AM, once the game’s outcome was no longer in doubt. But instead of drifting off into blissful slumber (Note: or even a fitful sleep), he lay there twitching for about an hour. Even the normally, reliable BBC could not send him off to Queen Mab. (Note: This is Jose’s first try at a Shakespeare allusion, and frankly he’s not sure he got it right. If he wants to sneak one by without anyone being able to verify whether he screwed it up, he should allude to Timons of Athens instead.)
So Jose got up and went for a walk around the drunk strewn streets of Boston at about 2 AM. Jose’s done this many times before, but rarely while sober himself, and it’s a whole different world. Jose saw at least three fist fights and five well-dressed people lying in their own filth. Actually, it was sort of like a trip to Yankee stadium.
Jose’s in a rush today, so lets see what the REAL news in Dan Shaughnessey’s column today is.
"We…are…shoving…come….into the handsome face of the Yankee Superstar…A-Rod" (Note: Jeez, are the KEYS working blue?)
"John Kerry…rained…the F-Word…on…Garciaparra…at the Barcelona Olympics." (Note: That’s at least as true as some of the Swift Boat ads.)
"The Yankees…cease-and-desist…intelligence…and…confidence." (Note: No controversy there.)
3. How long after the Buffett concert is over do you think the Red Sox will wait to announce that the concert at Fenway next year will be… Dropkick Murphys. Jose figures about a week. Jose knows they don’t quite have the fanatical following of a Springsteen or Buffett, but the Sox do seem intent on shoving them down our throats. (Note: Jose likes Dropkick Murhpys fine, and Tessie has grown on him, but as many SoSHers have pointed out, it’s been a bit much.) If the Sox are serious about having the best possible concert at Fenway, Jose hopes they are building a way back machine, so they can get The Clash circa 1978. And while their there can they pick up a young Bill Lee, you know, just for the series against Don Zimmer and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING - Sept.11, 2004
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
Jose has been a fan of pro wrestling for a long, long time. He first got into it at around Wrestlemania 2 (Note: Though he accidentally taped over his friends copy of it with a Voltron special. Jose felt really, really bad about that.) and quickly became a student of the sport’s history. The countless hours Jose spent watching tapes of old events and reading Pro Wrestling Illustrated are lost to him forever, though the piles of magazines with stories such as psychoanalysis of Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff (he’d switched from face to heel three times, quite odd at the time) remain forever.
Jose and his friends developed their own elaborate wrestling leagues and sets of characters that were far more lively and interesting than anything the WWF could come up with. There was Persian Gulf Championship Wrestling featuring stars such as Israeli heavyweight Devastating Dion and the evil Iran John. Ivory Coast Championship Wrestling featured lengthy feuds between Daniel the Devastator and The Ultimate One (a heel with a God Complex) and a memorable first blood match between Tashu the Bloody Dragon and Elway the Bloody Bronco that ended in a draw. (Note: Do NOT have first blood matches on an island without shower facilities. Ketchup is sticky and unpleasant over time.) Who can forget when the 212 pound monster Anthony the Giant bowed in a hair cut match? And we all knew that WWF was in serious trouble when they introduced a manager named Johnny Polo (later Raven) who was a pale imitation of the great Polo Pete.
Perhaps the greatest moment came when Jose and his friend Dan were working a match that was so realistic that Jose’s mother, Susan Melendez, became concerned that her son was being brutally beaten and responded by crushing his opponent with a rolled up newspaper. As Jim Ross would say, she beat him like a government mule. (Note: Jose does not think the government should beat mules. It just seems like a bad use of taxpayer dollars.) That was a DQ loss that hurt.
Jose’s mother, who worked in sales for an office supply company at the time, then went on to win a contest at work for best use of a Sharpie marker for the Southeast Asian Wrestling Federation’s Tag Team Title belts. Take that Terrell Owens. How many Sharpie contests have you won?
So Jose feels more than qualified to tell Vince McMahon how to run his business.
The WWF has gotten stale. (Note: Jose will never call it the WWE. If it is the WWE, than the wildlife advocates have already won.) Wrestling is a cyclical business, Jose understands, and the WWF will reemerge once its young stars catch fire. Pushing Randy Orton and West Newbury’s own John Cena is a good start, but it will still take time.
In the meantime, what wrestling needs is better storytelling. The soft core porn is nice, but it takes too much away from the plotlines, as does the continued efforts to force untalented actors into comic bits. To Jose the salvation of wrestling will be satire of "traditional sports." This hasn’t worked in the past (see The Goon and MVP), but it just might now. In this spirit, Jose offers three humble plotlines to save wrestling.
1. The WCS (Wrestling Championship Series)
One of the most persistent complaints in all of the sports world is that college football lacks a playoff system that determines a national champion. Instead, its champion is determined by the icy calculations of a super computer. In college football, this is a joke, but in wrestling it would be a funny joke.
Imagine a face, let’s say the Rock (Note: Yes, Jose knows he’s only part time now, but he’s the best example) defeats a heel like Triple H for the World Championship at a pay-per-view. Then, on Monday Night RAW the next night, Vince McMahon comes out and announces that the championship system is primitive and unfair. Instead, the championship will now be determined by a system of highly technical computer rankings called the Wrestling Championship Series (WCS), based on the next month’s wrestling. Over the course of the next month, The Rock wins grueling match after grueling match against top flight opponents: Chris Benoit, Randy Orton, Eddie Guerrero, but loses by disqualification to one of Triple H’s lackeys, say Batista. In the meantime, Triple H destroys a series of prelims, Jamie Noble, Rosy, etc. in minutes. At the next pay-per-view, the Rock barely beats Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle, while Triple H crushes the Brooklyn Brawler.
On the next RAW, Vince McMahon comes out and announces that according to the WCS the new champion is Triple H. The Rock protests and a match is made for that evening. The Rock beats Triple H and goes to grab the belt…but what’s that? It’s Mr. McMahon’s music. McMahon announces that yes, the Rock may have won the match, but according to the WCS, he is still not the champion. According to the computer, Batista, who beat the Rock earlier in the month, is the new champion.
This series of screw jobs would proceed for months until the Rock and Triple H met in a hardcore match wherein they would fight their way into the room containing the WCS computer and destroy it. With nothing but match outcomes to go by, Vince McMahon would be forced to return the title to the Rock.
2. Steroid Controversy
Because wrestling is so clearly steroid riddled, this would be risky but really funny. McMahon would introduce a strict new drug test policy and then use it to ban face after face. This would yield countless skits of wrestlers talking about peeing in the cup and ultimately lead to Mr. McMahon having urine thrown at him by angry wrestlers. What’s not to like. You know, if you’re a freak.
3. Football player goes to wrestling
Plenty of pro football players have become wrestlers in the past, Bill Goldberg (Note: Not the World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew) most notably in recent years, but never quite like this. With Brock Lesnar leaving wrestling to try to make it in the NFL (and failing), the WWF should recruit a poor, desperate, washed up football star and chart his effort to make it in the WWF. Basically, he would just get his ass kicked constantly, and talk about how much easier football was. In other words, make wrestling look good by tearing football down.
OK, Jose know the WCS is really the gem of these ideas, and clearly it is the most developed of them, but they could all spice up a wrestling industry that has lost the ability to gain viewers with scantily clad women, blood and "Suck it" crotch chops that one can see immediately following any Derek Lowe post season save.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
Jose has been a fan of pro wrestling for a long, long time. He first got into it at around Wrestlemania 2 (Note: Though he accidentally taped over his friends copy of it with a Voltron special. Jose felt really, really bad about that.) and quickly became a student of the sport’s history. The countless hours Jose spent watching tapes of old events and reading Pro Wrestling Illustrated are lost to him forever, though the piles of magazines with stories such as psychoanalysis of Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff (he’d switched from face to heel three times, quite odd at the time) remain forever.
Jose and his friends developed their own elaborate wrestling leagues and sets of characters that were far more lively and interesting than anything the WWF could come up with. There was Persian Gulf Championship Wrestling featuring stars such as Israeli heavyweight Devastating Dion and the evil Iran John. Ivory Coast Championship Wrestling featured lengthy feuds between Daniel the Devastator and The Ultimate One (a heel with a God Complex) and a memorable first blood match between Tashu the Bloody Dragon and Elway the Bloody Bronco that ended in a draw. (Note: Do NOT have first blood matches on an island without shower facilities. Ketchup is sticky and unpleasant over time.) Who can forget when the 212 pound monster Anthony the Giant bowed in a hair cut match? And we all knew that WWF was in serious trouble when they introduced a manager named Johnny Polo (later Raven) who was a pale imitation of the great Polo Pete.
Perhaps the greatest moment came when Jose and his friend Dan were working a match that was so realistic that Jose’s mother, Susan Melendez, became concerned that her son was being brutally beaten and responded by crushing his opponent with a rolled up newspaper. As Jim Ross would say, she beat him like a government mule. (Note: Jose does not think the government should beat mules. It just seems like a bad use of taxpayer dollars.) That was a DQ loss that hurt.
Jose’s mother, who worked in sales for an office supply company at the time, then went on to win a contest at work for best use of a Sharpie marker for the Southeast Asian Wrestling Federation’s Tag Team Title belts. Take that Terrell Owens. How many Sharpie contests have you won?
So Jose feels more than qualified to tell Vince McMahon how to run his business.
The WWF has gotten stale. (Note: Jose will never call it the WWE. If it is the WWE, than the wildlife advocates have already won.) Wrestling is a cyclical business, Jose understands, and the WWF will reemerge once its young stars catch fire. Pushing Randy Orton and West Newbury’s own John Cena is a good start, but it will still take time.
In the meantime, what wrestling needs is better storytelling. The soft core porn is nice, but it takes too much away from the plotlines, as does the continued efforts to force untalented actors into comic bits. To Jose the salvation of wrestling will be satire of "traditional sports." This hasn’t worked in the past (see The Goon and MVP), but it just might now. In this spirit, Jose offers three humble plotlines to save wrestling.
1. The WCS (Wrestling Championship Series)
One of the most persistent complaints in all of the sports world is that college football lacks a playoff system that determines a national champion. Instead, its champion is determined by the icy calculations of a super computer. In college football, this is a joke, but in wrestling it would be a funny joke.
Imagine a face, let’s say the Rock (Note: Yes, Jose knows he’s only part time now, but he’s the best example) defeats a heel like Triple H for the World Championship at a pay-per-view. Then, on Monday Night RAW the next night, Vince McMahon comes out and announces that the championship system is primitive and unfair. Instead, the championship will now be determined by a system of highly technical computer rankings called the Wrestling Championship Series (WCS), based on the next month’s wrestling. Over the course of the next month, The Rock wins grueling match after grueling match against top flight opponents: Chris Benoit, Randy Orton, Eddie Guerrero, but loses by disqualification to one of Triple H’s lackeys, say Batista. In the meantime, Triple H destroys a series of prelims, Jamie Noble, Rosy, etc. in minutes. At the next pay-per-view, the Rock barely beats Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle, while Triple H crushes the Brooklyn Brawler.
On the next RAW, Vince McMahon comes out and announces that according to the WCS the new champion is Triple H. The Rock protests and a match is made for that evening. The Rock beats Triple H and goes to grab the belt…but what’s that? It’s Mr. McMahon’s music. McMahon announces that yes, the Rock may have won the match, but according to the WCS, he is still not the champion. According to the computer, Batista, who beat the Rock earlier in the month, is the new champion.
This series of screw jobs would proceed for months until the Rock and Triple H met in a hardcore match wherein they would fight their way into the room containing the WCS computer and destroy it. With nothing but match outcomes to go by, Vince McMahon would be forced to return the title to the Rock.
2. Steroid Controversy
Because wrestling is so clearly steroid riddled, this would be risky but really funny. McMahon would introduce a strict new drug test policy and then use it to ban face after face. This would yield countless skits of wrestlers talking about peeing in the cup and ultimately lead to Mr. McMahon having urine thrown at him by angry wrestlers. What’s not to like. You know, if you’re a freak.
3. Football player goes to wrestling
Plenty of pro football players have become wrestlers in the past, Bill Goldberg (Note: Not the World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew) most notably in recent years, but never quite like this. With Brock Lesnar leaving wrestling to try to make it in the NFL (and failing), the WWF should recruit a poor, desperate, washed up football star and chart his effort to make it in the WWF. Basically, he would just get his ass kicked constantly, and talk about how much easier football was. In other words, make wrestling look good by tearing football down.
OK, Jose know the WCS is really the gem of these ideas, and clearly it is the most developed of them, but they could all spice up a wrestling industry that has lost the ability to gain viewers with scantily clad women, blood and "Suck it" crotch chops that one can see immediately following any Derek Lowe post season save.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
Friday, September 10
From SoSH: Re: September 10th - The New Streak Begins
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. One of Jose’s many fans, a lurker named Dixielandbandana, sent him a note today pointing out that ESPN Page 2 Columnist Eric Neel used the name “Balki Arroyo” in his column yesterday.
Since this is one of Jose’s most venerable nicknames, he is modestly annoyed that another writer, particularly one with many more readers and much more notoriety has swiped his line. Jose figured that the only thing to do was to email him to discuss the situation. Below is what Jose sent. (Note: Jose tried to send this anyway, but the ESPN mail system will not allow a message this long, so Jose sent a shorter version.
Dear Eric,
This is Jose Melendez. You’re a baseball guy, so you may recall that Jose Melendez was a dreadful relief pitcher for the Red Sox in 1994-95. This is probably not the same guy. Today, Jose Melendez is the handle of a baseball blogger and sonsofsamhorn.com poster who refers to himself exclusively in the third person, you know, Ricky Henderson/Bob Dole style.
The reason Jose is writing you is that, well, you ripped him off. Jose first referred to Bronson Arroyo as “Balki” on May 21, 2004. You did it today and that is what, September 9. That means Jose got there first. And he has proof. Check out this link…go ahead… Jose Lays his Claim
Or if that’s not enough, Google “Balki Arroyo” and see what comes up. Checkmate friend. Heck, you could even ask Bill Simmons, who is a long time SoSH member. Jose will bet he knows the KEYS TO THE GAME.
Now Jose is not accusing you of stealing from him. Seriously, he is not. It is fully possible that this joke evolved completely separately in two or more places. As hard as it may seem to believe that there was once an actor named Bronson Pinchot and as hard as it may be to believe that he once played a character named Balki in a HIT SERIES, and as hard as it may be to believe that two people both remembered that series enough to make the joke, Jose accepts that it is at least theoretically possible. Like it is theoretically possible that George Steinbrenner isn’t the biggest jerk in baseball. Hard to prove, but theoretically possible.
What hurts Jose’s feelings though, is that everyone except for Jose’s small cadre of loyal fanatics will think you thought it up. This joke is Jose’s legacy! (Note: Isn’t that incredibly sad? Don’t you pity Jose now?) The ravenous hordes of bored office workers who look to Page 2 for a diversion from the drudgery and ennui of office work (Jose Melendez included) will think you made it up, and you will reap the accolades.
So here is what Jose proposes. Just give Jose credit. Write a little correction in your fine Web site, maybe in the “Notes for Eric’s Scorecard” stating that the idea was originally conceived by Jose Melendez of keystothegame.blogspot.com and the world famous sonsofsamhorn.com and we can put all will be forgotten. Heck, if you give credit, you can use any of Jose’s hysterical nicknames like Curt Euro, DLowe the Paranoid Android or Mosey Nixon. That’s free!!! Quite the bargain, isn’t it.
Do it for Balki, do it for Cousin Larry Appleton, do it for Mrs. Garrett (no wait, that’s not quite right.)
Yours,
Jose Melendez
2. Jose’s cousin Jeff and his wife Marla (who are far more Jewish than Jose) suggested an outstanding new home run call for The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew, and the great thing is that it also works for The Jewish God of Walks (who must be the God, because in Judaism, like in Islam, Christianity and Highlander, there can be only one.)
So here it is – “Shabbat Shalom.” It literally means “peaceful Sabbath,” but it is also used as a sort of goodbye at the end of a service. Can’t you picture it?
“Kapler steps in…Here’s the pitch…There’s a drive, deep to left Shabbat shalom, that one’s gone.” Sweet.
3. Speaking of the World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew, Jose notice in an ad the other night that he has a tattoo. That means hew will never have the most stunning physique in a Jewish cemetery. Jews with tattoos are not allowed to be buried in Jewish cemeteries. Unfortunately, this means that Mariners rookie pitcher Bobby Madritsh will also be unable to fulfill his dream of being buried in a Jewish Cemetery.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. One of Jose’s many fans, a lurker named Dixielandbandana, sent him a note today pointing out that ESPN Page 2 Columnist Eric Neel used the name “Balki Arroyo” in his column yesterday.
Since this is one of Jose’s most venerable nicknames, he is modestly annoyed that another writer, particularly one with many more readers and much more notoriety has swiped his line. Jose figured that the only thing to do was to email him to discuss the situation. Below is what Jose sent. (Note: Jose tried to send this anyway, but the ESPN mail system will not allow a message this long, so Jose sent a shorter version.
Dear Eric,
This is Jose Melendez. You’re a baseball guy, so you may recall that Jose Melendez was a dreadful relief pitcher for the Red Sox in 1994-95. This is probably not the same guy. Today, Jose Melendez is the handle of a baseball blogger and sonsofsamhorn.com poster who refers to himself exclusively in the third person, you know, Ricky Henderson/Bob Dole style.
The reason Jose is writing you is that, well, you ripped him off. Jose first referred to Bronson Arroyo as “Balki” on May 21, 2004. You did it today and that is what, September 9. That means Jose got there first. And he has proof. Check out this link…go ahead… Jose Lays his Claim
Or if that’s not enough, Google “Balki Arroyo” and see what comes up. Checkmate friend. Heck, you could even ask Bill Simmons, who is a long time SoSH member. Jose will bet he knows the KEYS TO THE GAME.
Now Jose is not accusing you of stealing from him. Seriously, he is not. It is fully possible that this joke evolved completely separately in two or more places. As hard as it may seem to believe that there was once an actor named Bronson Pinchot and as hard as it may be to believe that he once played a character named Balki in a HIT SERIES, and as hard as it may be to believe that two people both remembered that series enough to make the joke, Jose accepts that it is at least theoretically possible. Like it is theoretically possible that George Steinbrenner isn’t the biggest jerk in baseball. Hard to prove, but theoretically possible.
What hurts Jose’s feelings though, is that everyone except for Jose’s small cadre of loyal fanatics will think you thought it up. This joke is Jose’s legacy! (Note: Isn’t that incredibly sad? Don’t you pity Jose now?) The ravenous hordes of bored office workers who look to Page 2 for a diversion from the drudgery and ennui of office work (Jose Melendez included) will think you made it up, and you will reap the accolades.
So here is what Jose proposes. Just give Jose credit. Write a little correction in your fine Web site, maybe in the “Notes for Eric’s Scorecard” stating that the idea was originally conceived by Jose Melendez of keystothegame.blogspot.com and the world famous sonsofsamhorn.com and we can put all will be forgotten. Heck, if you give credit, you can use any of Jose’s hysterical nicknames like Curt Euro, DLowe the Paranoid Android or Mosey Nixon. That’s free!!! Quite the bargain, isn’t it.
Do it for Balki, do it for Cousin Larry Appleton, do it for Mrs. Garrett (no wait, that’s not quite right.)
Yours,
Jose Melendez
2. Jose’s cousin Jeff and his wife Marla (who are far more Jewish than Jose) suggested an outstanding new home run call for The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew, and the great thing is that it also works for The Jewish God of Walks (who must be the God, because in Judaism, like in Islam, Christianity and Highlander, there can be only one.)
So here it is – “Shabbat Shalom.” It literally means “peaceful Sabbath,” but it is also used as a sort of goodbye at the end of a service. Can’t you picture it?
“Kapler steps in…Here’s the pitch…There’s a drive, deep to left Shabbat shalom, that one’s gone.” Sweet.
3. Speaking of the World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew, Jose notice in an ad the other night that he has a tattoo. That means hew will never have the most stunning physique in a Jewish cemetery. Jews with tattoos are not allowed to be buried in Jewish cemeteries. Unfortunately, this means that Mariners rookie pitcher Bobby Madritsh will also be unable to fulfill his dream of being buried in a Jewish Cemetery.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, September 9
From SoSH: Re: September 9th - WAKE-up In Seattle
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Tonight the Red Sox go for their fifth win in a row after completely crushing and humiliating the Oakland As. Has anyone else noticed a pattern here? The Angels were as hot as the sun in a sauna; they play the Sox and get swept. The As were as hot as the Human Torch in hell; they play the Sox and get swept. Quite simply the Sox are better than anyone in any sphere of human endeavor at this moment.
If you put them up against the ’27 Yankees they’d sweep them. If you put Gabe Kapler in the ring with a young Muhammed Ali, he’d knock him out in the first round. If Terry Eurona ran for president against the 1972 Nixon or 1984 Reagan, Terry would carry 49 states. Hell, if you put Euro Bellhorn in the Miss USA pageant tomorrow, he’d come out on top, and he’s no looker – that’s how much the Sox are winning these days. They must be lauded with wine and verse.
Fetch Jose his lyre!!! It’s time for five syllable poetry.
ON TO SEATTLE
By Jose Melendez
Those nine were supposed,
To be the big test,
And our Red Sox rose,
And beat up the “best,”
Our rivals today?
A team that just blows,
With no stars to play,
(Except Ichiro.)
The knuckler will float,
And sit their bats down,
And Wakefield will gloat,
In grunge’s hometown.
Melendez, Jose
Will relish each play.
2. Jose couldn’t help but notice that former Sox pitcher Jin Ho Cho is neck deep in a draft dodging scandal in Korea. While using one’s privilege to avoid service to one’s country seems like it would be a big deal, precedent suggests that it will not adversely affect Cho’s presidential aspirations. (Note: Jose knows this sounds very political, particularly as Jose is a known Democrat, but you conservatives out there are more than welcome to imagine that it is a shot at Bill Clinton. Though if you think Jose would pick on a man recovering from heart surgery, unless it’s Dick Cheney, you are mean, insensitive people.)
On a related note, do you think that we could get BK Kim conscripted? Maybe we could work out a deal where if he pitches fewer than 80 innings in the Majors next year or his ERA climbs above 4.50 he is inducted into the South Korean army during the seventh inning stretch. This would be a good way to motivate a pitcher with a history of cracking under stress right? Right? (Note: Jose was going to write a Korean army themed version of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game here, but given all of the American troops in harms way today, it seemed like it would have been a jerk move, so you will all just have to think about how funny and insensitive it would have been.)
3. What to do, what to do. What would make a this third KEY lively and interesting rather than the throwaway KEY it normally is. A Tony Castrati translator is always good, but Jose did that yesterday. Jose knows, how about (gasp) a new feature!!!
As an experiment Jose will try looking at today’s Shaughnessey column and deciphering the hidden messages within using the awesome power of the ellipse. Jose is pretty sure that Rush Limbaugh did something like this to Hillary Clinton and he knows Al Franken did something like this to Rush Limbaugh, so Jose figures if those titans of journalism can do it, it must be solid and reputable technique, like making things up, or using unnamed sources with no corroboration.
From today’s Shaughnessy column
“The…Boston Globe Columnist who was once labeled ‘Curly-Haired Boyfriend…shaved his…balls…after beating…Richard Nixon” (Note: Richard Nixon is mention twice in KEYS today. Wow.)
“I…had a policy requiring…America’s Most Wanted…to set rules for…the staid Yankees.”
“Ashton Kutcher…with a beard and…geri curled hair…?…I like it.”
So there it is. Your news directly from Dan Shaughnessy. Misleading and out of context, just like all of Dan’s work.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Tonight the Red Sox go for their fifth win in a row after completely crushing and humiliating the Oakland As. Has anyone else noticed a pattern here? The Angels were as hot as the sun in a sauna; they play the Sox and get swept. The As were as hot as the Human Torch in hell; they play the Sox and get swept. Quite simply the Sox are better than anyone in any sphere of human endeavor at this moment.
If you put them up against the ’27 Yankees they’d sweep them. If you put Gabe Kapler in the ring with a young Muhammed Ali, he’d knock him out in the first round. If Terry Eurona ran for president against the 1972 Nixon or 1984 Reagan, Terry would carry 49 states. Hell, if you put Euro Bellhorn in the Miss USA pageant tomorrow, he’d come out on top, and he’s no looker – that’s how much the Sox are winning these days. They must be lauded with wine and verse.
Fetch Jose his lyre!!! It’s time for five syllable poetry.
ON TO SEATTLE
By Jose Melendez
Those nine were supposed,
To be the big test,
And our Red Sox rose,
And beat up the “best,”
Our rivals today?
A team that just blows,
With no stars to play,
(Except Ichiro.)
The knuckler will float,
And sit their bats down,
And Wakefield will gloat,
In grunge’s hometown.
Melendez, Jose
Will relish each play.
2. Jose couldn’t help but notice that former Sox pitcher Jin Ho Cho is neck deep in a draft dodging scandal in Korea. While using one’s privilege to avoid service to one’s country seems like it would be a big deal, precedent suggests that it will not adversely affect Cho’s presidential aspirations. (Note: Jose knows this sounds very political, particularly as Jose is a known Democrat, but you conservatives out there are more than welcome to imagine that it is a shot at Bill Clinton. Though if you think Jose would pick on a man recovering from heart surgery, unless it’s Dick Cheney, you are mean, insensitive people.)
On a related note, do you think that we could get BK Kim conscripted? Maybe we could work out a deal where if he pitches fewer than 80 innings in the Majors next year or his ERA climbs above 4.50 he is inducted into the South Korean army during the seventh inning stretch. This would be a good way to motivate a pitcher with a history of cracking under stress right? Right? (Note: Jose was going to write a Korean army themed version of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game here, but given all of the American troops in harms way today, it seemed like it would have been a jerk move, so you will all just have to think about how funny and insensitive it would have been.)
3. What to do, what to do. What would make a this third KEY lively and interesting rather than the throwaway KEY it normally is. A Tony Castrati translator is always good, but Jose did that yesterday. Jose knows, how about (gasp) a new feature!!!
As an experiment Jose will try looking at today’s Shaughnessey column and deciphering the hidden messages within using the awesome power of the ellipse. Jose is pretty sure that Rush Limbaugh did something like this to Hillary Clinton and he knows Al Franken did something like this to Rush Limbaugh, so Jose figures if those titans of journalism can do it, it must be solid and reputable technique, like making things up, or using unnamed sources with no corroboration.
From today’s Shaughnessy column
“The…Boston Globe Columnist who was once labeled ‘Curly-Haired Boyfriend…shaved his…balls…after beating…Richard Nixon” (Note: Richard Nixon is mention twice in KEYS today. Wow.)
“I…had a policy requiring…America’s Most Wanted…to set rules for…the staid Yankees.”
“Ashton Kutcher…with a beard and…geri curled hair…?…I like it.”
So there it is. Your news directly from Dan Shaughnessy. Misleading and out of context, just like all of Dan’s work.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wednesday, September 8
From SoSH: Re: September 8th - Let's Break Out Those Brooms!!
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Tonight the Red Sox go for their fourth win in a row and poetry advances to four syllables per line. According to Chinese superstition four is an unlucky number because the word for four and the word for death are quite similar. For instance, if Orlando Cabrera was Chinese, there would be a swarm of locusts at his house right now. Similarly, if Danny Ainge, old number 44, was Chinese, he would have traded Antoine Walker for Raef F’n LaFrentz dooming his career as Director of Basketball Operations. Thankfully, he’s a white guy, so that could never happen.
GOD’s ANGRY ARM
By Jose Melendez
God’s angry arm,
Throws in Oakland,
The As are harmed,
Game out of hand.
Umlaut plays third
With Golden Glove
ARod’s a turd,
Gives Jeter love.
Williamson gone
From the DL?
No Tommy John,
Elbow feels swell.
Outcome’s the same,
KEYS TO THE GAME.
2. Jose hasn’t done a Tony Castrati translator in a while. Frankly, it’s been hard to skewer the guy when he’s been so relentlessly positive. Maybe fatherhood has mellowed him, or perhaps he is getting so little sleep that he can’t keep an attack coherent. Still, to quote Woody Allen, the heart wants what it wants, and today it wants to rip TC.
Tony Castrati Loves Fried Chicken
What TC says: “In the top of the eighth, Millar showed why. He homered.”
What TC means: I’m a homer now. I used to rip the Red Sox, but now I love everything about them. I am a changed man. Theo’s a genius. Larry Lucchino is a saint. Black is white. Slavery is freedom!!!
What TC says: “Millar went 3-for-3 in the Red Sox' 7-1 victory at the Network Associates Coliseum. Millar finished with a single, double, walk, home run, three runs scored and an RBI.”
What TC means: Kevin Millar is now my idol. I will do everything just like him. I will eat chicken on television at every opportunity and talk about how much better the team would be with ARod than Nomar.
What TC says: “And so on and on it goes for the Red Sox, who continue to play like the perfect baseball machine.”
What TC means: Actually, when I was gone for three weeks, I was working on a screenplay. It’s about a mad scientist who lives on a spooky island and is a huge baseball fan. After he gets tired of breeding atomic monsters, he starts to construct a team of robotic baseball players who are perfect in every way, all five tool players. That is except for one robotic sinkerball pitcher who is has emotional problems and struggles with a desire to be a real human being. As a result his sinkers keep missing up and in and he gets shelled outing after outing after outing. I call him the Paranoid Android. It’s a completely original idea, one that I certainly didn’t steal from Jose Melendez. Anyway, at the end, they take out the Paranoid Android’s emotion chip and he regains his pitching form, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What TC says: “If you are looking for a barometer for the Sox this season”
What TC means: Did you know I really wanted to be a weatherman? Really. I’ve spent the last few days at www.noaa.org following the hurricanes. Did you know that the Miami Hurricanes are named after a meteorological phenomenon? Well they are!!! So are the Tampa Bay Lightning. Baseball doesn’t have any weather names, but they should. When they move the Expos, I hope the call them the Washington 70 percent Chance of precipitations. That would be awesome.
3. Congratulations to the Lowell Spinners on their 194th consecutive sellout. It is hard to imagine anything selling out that frequently with the possible exceptions of Roger Clemens and Ben Afflek.
Speaking of selling out. Jose has posted a KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES on his blog in response to recent confusion about how some of these names came to be. Unfortunately, this only makes 7 5 straight days that Jose has sold out, so he still has a way to go to catch The Spinners.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Tonight the Red Sox go for their fourth win in a row and poetry advances to four syllables per line. According to Chinese superstition four is an unlucky number because the word for four and the word for death are quite similar. For instance, if Orlando Cabrera was Chinese, there would be a swarm of locusts at his house right now. Similarly, if Danny Ainge, old number 44, was Chinese, he would have traded Antoine Walker for Raef F’n LaFrentz dooming his career as Director of Basketball Operations. Thankfully, he’s a white guy, so that could never happen.
GOD’s ANGRY ARM
By Jose Melendez
God’s angry arm,
Throws in Oakland,
The As are harmed,
Game out of hand.
Umlaut plays third
With Golden Glove
ARod’s a turd,
Gives Jeter love.
Williamson gone
From the DL?
No Tommy John,
Elbow feels swell.
Outcome’s the same,
KEYS TO THE GAME.
2. Jose hasn’t done a Tony Castrati translator in a while. Frankly, it’s been hard to skewer the guy when he’s been so relentlessly positive. Maybe fatherhood has mellowed him, or perhaps he is getting so little sleep that he can’t keep an attack coherent. Still, to quote Woody Allen, the heart wants what it wants, and today it wants to rip TC.
Tony Castrati Loves Fried Chicken
What TC says: “In the top of the eighth, Millar showed why. He homered.”
What TC means: I’m a homer now. I used to rip the Red Sox, but now I love everything about them. I am a changed man. Theo’s a genius. Larry Lucchino is a saint. Black is white. Slavery is freedom!!!
What TC says: “Millar went 3-for-3 in the Red Sox' 7-1 victory at the Network Associates Coliseum. Millar finished with a single, double, walk, home run, three runs scored and an RBI.”
What TC means: Kevin Millar is now my idol. I will do everything just like him. I will eat chicken on television at every opportunity and talk about how much better the team would be with ARod than Nomar.
What TC says: “And so on and on it goes for the Red Sox, who continue to play like the perfect baseball machine.”
What TC means: Actually, when I was gone for three weeks, I was working on a screenplay. It’s about a mad scientist who lives on a spooky island and is a huge baseball fan. After he gets tired of breeding atomic monsters, he starts to construct a team of robotic baseball players who are perfect in every way, all five tool players. That is except for one robotic sinkerball pitcher who is has emotional problems and struggles with a desire to be a real human being. As a result his sinkers keep missing up and in and he gets shelled outing after outing after outing. I call him the Paranoid Android. It’s a completely original idea, one that I certainly didn’t steal from Jose Melendez. Anyway, at the end, they take out the Paranoid Android’s emotion chip and he regains his pitching form, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What TC says: “If you are looking for a barometer for the Sox this season”
What TC means: Did you know I really wanted to be a weatherman? Really. I’ve spent the last few days at www.noaa.org following the hurricanes. Did you know that the Miami Hurricanes are named after a meteorological phenomenon? Well they are!!! So are the Tampa Bay Lightning. Baseball doesn’t have any weather names, but they should. When they move the Expos, I hope the call them the Washington 70 percent Chance of precipitations. That would be awesome.
3. Congratulations to the Lowell Spinners on their 194th consecutive sellout. It is hard to imagine anything selling out that frequently with the possible exceptions of Roger Clemens and Ben Afflek.
Speaking of selling out. Jose has posted a KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES on his blog in response to recent confusion about how some of these names came to be. Unfortunately, this only makes 7 5 straight days that Jose has sold out, so he still has a way to go to catch The Spinners.
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, September 7
KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES - Sept. 7, 2004
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES.
Tired of being confused about why C-3PO is appearing in SoSH game thread when Derek Low pitches? Confused about why "Mosey" Nixon returned to the Sox today? Well all of your questions are about to be answered!!!
Jose was once like you, clueless, lethargic. Bullies would come up to him and mock his poor knowledge of obscure Red Sox nicknames. Sometimes they would even kick statistical spreadsheets in his face. But no more!!! Jose got fed up, and when he got fed up he got creative. He took charge of his own destiny. By making up his own nicknames, he confused others and distracted attention from his own limited knowledge of baseball. Now you can fake your way through SoSH game threads too!!! Impress your friends, astonish your family, amaze women with your knowledge of KEYS vernacular. Jose Melendez is proud to present these KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES for those of you who started reading KEYS late in the season, miss updates from time to time or have memory problems due to senility or alcohol abuse.
Just sent $19.95 to:
KEYS TO RIPPING OFF CHARLES ATLAS
KEYS Center
Melendezville, MA 12345
Or keep reading, and Jose will bill you later…when you least expect it.
1. Jose’s most important single source of nicknames is European monetary conversion. With the adoption of the Euro, most of the old currencies of Europe have been converted into Euros. Thus the following Red Sox players have all undergone name conversion:
Curt Schilling = Curt Euro
Mark Bellhorn = Euro Bellhorn
Mark Malaska - Euro Tikka Malaska
Terry Francona = Terry Eurona (Note: Except when Francona is funnier, such as in the song "Why Francona.")
2. The second major source of nicknames is pop culture. You know, that stuff you see on TV that isn’t Red Sox baseball. For instance:
Bronson Arroyo = Balki Arroyo
Despite the fact that Arroyo’s father claims to have named him for Charles Bronson, it is fairly clear that he was really named after Perfect Strangers star Bronson Pinchot, who played the lovable Meposian clod, Balki Bartokamous.
Derek Lowe = DLowe the Paranoid Android
When DLowe blamed his poor performance on mechanical problems early in the year, it made it obvious that despite all appearances, he must be a robot. But how could a robot have such serious emotional problems? The character Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offered a precedent. (Note: If you want to think it is from Radiohead, that is fine with Jose too.)
Cesar Crespo = Little Cesar Crespo (Ground out! Ground out!)
This is a reference to Little Caesar’s Pizza with it’s "Pizza! Pizza!" motto. Thankfully, Jose will never have to mention this particular nickname again.
3. The final category of nicknames is those that Jose just made up for stupid reasons. Stupidity is the reason Jose does a lot of things.
Mark Malaska = Euro "Tikka" Malaska
This is a reference to the famed Indian chicken dish.
Bill Mueller = Umlaut
This is a new one, but the "ue" in Mueller is the Anglicization of the German ü.
Trot Nixon = Mosey Nixon
With his injured leg, it seemed unlikely that Nixon would be able to generate the speed required for a proper Trot. A mosey seemed like a better speed and a great tribute to Patriots full back Mosi Tatupu.
Gabe Kapler = The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew
Let’s settle this once and for all. Kapler is way more sculpted than Goldberg. He may not be as strong, but he is way more sculpted.
Ellis Burks = Chicken Man
Jose hasn’t had to use this one too much, but since Burks’ knee was treated with a substance made from rooster combs, Jose worried that he might turn into a giant chicken hell bent on revenge against the humans, sort of like The Lizard in Spiderman.
Well, that was as close as Jose will ever come to doing a clip show; the originals seemed a lot funnier. Still, the need clearly exists. That became clear the instant Jose’s own brother asked him why Nixon was "Mosey."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES.
Tired of being confused about why C-3PO is appearing in SoSH game thread when Derek Low pitches? Confused about why "Mosey" Nixon returned to the Sox today? Well all of your questions are about to be answered!!!
Jose was once like you, clueless, lethargic. Bullies would come up to him and mock his poor knowledge of obscure Red Sox nicknames. Sometimes they would even kick statistical spreadsheets in his face. But no more!!! Jose got fed up, and when he got fed up he got creative. He took charge of his own destiny. By making up his own nicknames, he confused others and distracted attention from his own limited knowledge of baseball. Now you can fake your way through SoSH game threads too!!! Impress your friends, astonish your family, amaze women with your knowledge of KEYS vernacular. Jose Melendez is proud to present these KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES for those of you who started reading KEYS late in the season, miss updates from time to time or have memory problems due to senility or alcohol abuse.
Just sent $19.95 to:
KEYS TO RIPPING OFF CHARLES ATLAS
KEYS Center
Melendezville, MA 12345
Or keep reading, and Jose will bill you later…when you least expect it.
1. Jose’s most important single source of nicknames is European monetary conversion. With the adoption of the Euro, most of the old currencies of Europe have been converted into Euros. Thus the following Red Sox players have all undergone name conversion:
Curt Schilling = Curt Euro
Mark Bellhorn = Euro Bellhorn
Mark Malaska - Euro Tikka Malaska
Terry Francona = Terry Eurona (Note: Except when Francona is funnier, such as in the song "Why Francona.")
2. The second major source of nicknames is pop culture. You know, that stuff you see on TV that isn’t Red Sox baseball. For instance:
Bronson Arroyo = Balki Arroyo
Despite the fact that Arroyo’s father claims to have named him for Charles Bronson, it is fairly clear that he was really named after Perfect Strangers star Bronson Pinchot, who played the lovable Meposian clod, Balki Bartokamous.
Derek Lowe = DLowe the Paranoid Android
When DLowe blamed his poor performance on mechanical problems early in the year, it made it obvious that despite all appearances, he must be a robot. But how could a robot have such serious emotional problems? The character Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offered a precedent. (Note: If you want to think it is from Radiohead, that is fine with Jose too.)
Cesar Crespo = Little Cesar Crespo (Ground out! Ground out!)
This is a reference to Little Caesar’s Pizza with it’s "Pizza! Pizza!" motto. Thankfully, Jose will never have to mention this particular nickname again.
3. The final category of nicknames is those that Jose just made up for stupid reasons. Stupidity is the reason Jose does a lot of things.
Mark Malaska = Euro "Tikka" Malaska
This is a reference to the famed Indian chicken dish.
Bill Mueller = Umlaut
This is a new one, but the "ue" in Mueller is the Anglicization of the German ü.
Trot Nixon = Mosey Nixon
With his injured leg, it seemed unlikely that Nixon would be able to generate the speed required for a proper Trot. A mosey seemed like a better speed and a great tribute to Patriots full back Mosi Tatupu.
Gabe Kapler = The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew
Let’s settle this once and for all. Kapler is way more sculpted than Goldberg. He may not be as strong, but he is way more sculpted.
Ellis Burks = Chicken Man
Jose hasn’t had to use this one too much, but since Burks’ knee was treated with a substance made from rooster combs, Jose worried that he might turn into a giant chicken hell bent on revenge against the humans, sort of like The Lizard in Spiderman.
Well, that was as close as Jose will ever come to doing a clip show; the originals seemed a lot funnier. Still, the need clearly exists. That became clear the instant Jose’s own brother asked him why Nixon was "Mosey."
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES.
KEYS TO THE BONUS SOX POEM
I'm Jose Melendez and it's time for my KEYS TO THE BONUS SOX POEM.
1. Since Jose missed updating the KEYS for the Labor Day game, game 2 of the current winning streak, Jose Melendez is proud to present this bonus two syllable per line Red Sox poem.
2. SOX WIN
by Jose Melendez
3. Red Sox,
Beat As.
Yank jocks,
Fear Rays.
Balki,
Throws hooks.
Sox see,
Good looks.
Late game,
Who'd thunk?
A's shame,
Throw junk.
Jose,
Away.
I'm Jose Melendez and those are my my KEYS TO THE BONUS SOX POEM.
1. Since Jose missed updating the KEYS for the Labor Day game, game 2 of the current winning streak, Jose Melendez is proud to present this bonus two syllable per line Red Sox poem.
2. SOX WIN
by Jose Melendez
3. Red Sox,
Beat As.
Yank jocks,
Fear Rays.
Balki,
Throws hooks.
Sox see,
Good looks.
Late game,
Who'd thunk?
A's shame,
Throw junk.
Jose,
Away.
I'm Jose Melendez and those are my my KEYS TO THE BONUS SOX POEM.
From SoSH: Re: September 7th - Lowe Goes Choppin' Again
It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose is back from a relaxing day of vacation and looks to regain his winning form tonight against the As. Last night was one of those nights where Jose was absolutely determined to watch the whole game, despite severe fatigue brought on by a weekend of sailing, tennis and eating fine food. He was also worn out by frequent naps and drinking the occasional adult beverage (Note: As Terry Eurona and Ken Macha would call them.)
For the first two hours, Jose stayed alert by ironing shirts, going through old papers and paying bills while watching the game. Then, at around 12:05, with the Sox up 4-3, he lay back on his couch and prepared to watch the drama of the last three innings. Fifteen seconds later Jose was unconscious. He awoke about an hour later to see As fans dumping crap on the field and his beloved Red Sox with an 8-3 lead. Clearly, something exciting had happened, so Jose vowed to remain awake for the final three outs. About 15 seconds later, Jose was once again asleep. He awoke again, just in time to see Ramiro Mendoza record the final out.
Now Jose knows he’s going to hear a lot of criticism about his relaxed attitude, about not being focused when his team needs him and so on. To that, Jose replies, we won and that is all that matters. If they win with Jose asleep, fine, if they need Jose to stay awake until one for us to win then…umm…crap…one is pretty late.
2. Despite missing yesterday and its two syllable per line poem, Jose will continue to write poetry with syllables reflecting the number of consecutive wins the Sox are seeking for as long as it takes. (Note: Jose may try to post a retroactive two syllable poem on the blog.) Today, three syllables!!!
RED SOX WIN
by Jose Melendez
Android’s pitch,
Sinks and falls.
Makes him rich,
Strikes not balls.
Jesus Christ’s,
Finger’s hurt
Heals with ice?
Shots like Curt?
Mosey’s here,
Pokey too,
Role’s unclear
Super Jew.
TheKEYS rhyme,
West coast time.
3. Jose was thinking about doing a Tony Castrati translator today, but TC decided to go after George Steinbrenner for demanding a forfeit. Jose really can’t come up with anything to mock about that, to do so would be like mocking the fire chief for condemning arson, so TC gets left alone for today. (Note: When Jose talks about “TC,” is it possible that he’s really talking about Tom Carron, or Tim Conway or even travel agent extraordinaire Thomas Cook? Think about it.) Instead, Jose will join TC is piling on the loathsome Yankees organization.
If one really thinks about the pathetic state of the Yankees, demanding a forfeit makes sense After all, the Yankees who would want to face the awesome power of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? But Major League Baseball, in a rare case of sound judgment, did not force the DRays to forfeit. Baseball avoided committing yet another miscue under Bud Selig's leadership. Instead the Yankees, who had demanded surrender, forfeited themselves. They forfeited their dignity. They forfeited their fraudulent reputation as a “classy organization.” They forfeited the respect of their wives and children. They forfeited the claim that they do not fear the Red Sox. But they did not forfeit everything. No, no. Yankees fans despair not, your team has not lost everything. Quite to the contrary, the Yankees secured forever a reputation as whiny divas who think they are bigger than the game. Congratulations to the New York Yankees. You are now officially dainty little pansies. (Note: Until yesterday, they were only unofficially dainty little pansies.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose is back from a relaxing day of vacation and looks to regain his winning form tonight against the As. Last night was one of those nights where Jose was absolutely determined to watch the whole game, despite severe fatigue brought on by a weekend of sailing, tennis and eating fine food. He was also worn out by frequent naps and drinking the occasional adult beverage (Note: As Terry Eurona and Ken Macha would call them.)
For the first two hours, Jose stayed alert by ironing shirts, going through old papers and paying bills while watching the game. Then, at around 12:05, with the Sox up 4-3, he lay back on his couch and prepared to watch the drama of the last three innings. Fifteen seconds later Jose was unconscious. He awoke about an hour later to see As fans dumping crap on the field and his beloved Red Sox with an 8-3 lead. Clearly, something exciting had happened, so Jose vowed to remain awake for the final three outs. About 15 seconds later, Jose was once again asleep. He awoke again, just in time to see Ramiro Mendoza record the final out.
Now Jose knows he’s going to hear a lot of criticism about his relaxed attitude, about not being focused when his team needs him and so on. To that, Jose replies, we won and that is all that matters. If they win with Jose asleep, fine, if they need Jose to stay awake until one for us to win then…umm…crap…one is pretty late.
2. Despite missing yesterday and its two syllable per line poem, Jose will continue to write poetry with syllables reflecting the number of consecutive wins the Sox are seeking for as long as it takes. (Note: Jose may try to post a retroactive two syllable poem on the blog.) Today, three syllables!!!
RED SOX WIN
by Jose Melendez
Android’s pitch,
Sinks and falls.
Makes him rich,
Strikes not balls.
Jesus Christ’s,
Finger’s hurt
Heals with ice?
Shots like Curt?
Mosey’s here,
Pokey too,
Role’s unclear
Super Jew.
TheKEYS rhyme,
West coast time.
3. Jose was thinking about doing a Tony Castrati translator today, but TC decided to go after George Steinbrenner for demanding a forfeit. Jose really can’t come up with anything to mock about that, to do so would be like mocking the fire chief for condemning arson, so TC gets left alone for today. (Note: When Jose talks about “TC,” is it possible that he’s really talking about Tom Carron, or Tim Conway or even travel agent extraordinaire Thomas Cook? Think about it.) Instead, Jose will join TC is piling on the loathsome Yankees organization.
If one really thinks about the pathetic state of the Yankees, demanding a forfeit makes sense After all, the Yankees who would want to face the awesome power of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? But Major League Baseball, in a rare case of sound judgment, did not force the DRays to forfeit. Baseball avoided committing yet another miscue under Bud Selig's leadership. Instead the Yankees, who had demanded surrender, forfeited themselves. They forfeited their dignity. They forfeited their fraudulent reputation as a “classy organization.” They forfeited the respect of their wives and children. They forfeited the claim that they do not fear the Red Sox. But they did not forfeit everything. No, no. Yankees fans despair not, your team has not lost everything. Quite to the contrary, the Yankees secured forever a reputation as whiny divas who think they are bigger than the game. Congratulations to the New York Yankees. You are now officially dainty little pansies. (Note: Until yesterday, they were only unofficially dainty little pansies.)
I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Sunday, September 5
From SoSH: Re: September 5th - Rebound With Curt
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose has the good fortune to have access to a computer today, so no one need spend a single day without KEYS.
1. Well, the winning streak was halted at 10, by a struggling Rangers team on a phantom out. Nuts to that!
Yesterday, Jose marked the Sox’s tenth straight win by writing a sonnet, 14 lines but 10 syllables per line. Today, in honor of the first win in a new streak Jose presents a new poem with 14 lines that are each one syllable. It’s a sophisticated poetry thing.
WIN
By Jose Melendez
Foulke
Saves,
Jokes,
Waves.
Tek,
Swings,
Wrecks
Things.
Droid
Face?
Foist
Place!!!
KEYS?
Please.
2. According to Jose’s brother, Sam Melendez, one of the biggest benefits of the Nomar for Mientkiewicz and Cabrera trade is that it has made watching the closed captioning of games infinitely more entertaining. Every time Mientkiewicz’s name is mentioned, the caption writer is so slowed that he falls two to three batters behind. Jose is deeply sympathetic because he has a similar problem. For instance, this KEY is only 90 words, long, but because it uses the word Mientkiewicz three times, it took three and a half hours to write.
3. Speaking of Doug Mientkiewicz, according to Gordon Edes of the Boston Globe, the slick fielding first baseman has volunteered to be a recruiter of free agent pitchers for the Sox in the off season. Mientkiewicz specifically mentioned speaking to his former teammates Brad Radke and Eric Milton, but before he takes the job, Jose urges him to think carefully about what being a recruiter really entails. It could mean going to all of the free agent pitching fairs in high school cafeterias across the country. It could mean wandering mall parking lots asking young men if they’d ever considered a career pitching for the Red Sox. And it will almost certainly mean many a night of sitting in living rooms in small towns across America explaining to working class parents what the Boston Red Sox have to offer their son.
Jose thinks it’s great that Mientkiewicz wants to take on a second job, Jose just wants him to think about the commitment it requires first.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose has the good fortune to have access to a computer today, so no one need spend a single day without KEYS.
1. Well, the winning streak was halted at 10, by a struggling Rangers team on a phantom out. Nuts to that!
Yesterday, Jose marked the Sox’s tenth straight win by writing a sonnet, 14 lines but 10 syllables per line. Today, in honor of the first win in a new streak Jose presents a new poem with 14 lines that are each one syllable. It’s a sophisticated poetry thing.
WIN
By Jose Melendez
Foulke
Saves,
Jokes,
Waves.
Tek,
Swings,
Wrecks
Things.
Droid
Face?
Foist
Place!!!
KEYS?
Please.
2. According to Jose’s brother, Sam Melendez, one of the biggest benefits of the Nomar for Mientkiewicz and Cabrera trade is that it has made watching the closed captioning of games infinitely more entertaining. Every time Mientkiewicz’s name is mentioned, the caption writer is so slowed that he falls two to three batters behind. Jose is deeply sympathetic because he has a similar problem. For instance, this KEY is only 90 words, long, but because it uses the word Mientkiewicz three times, it took three and a half hours to write.
3. Speaking of Doug Mientkiewicz, according to Gordon Edes of the Boston Globe, the slick fielding first baseman has volunteered to be a recruiter of free agent pitchers for the Sox in the off season. Mientkiewicz specifically mentioned speaking to his former teammates Brad Radke and Eric Milton, but before he takes the job, Jose urges him to think carefully about what being a recruiter really entails. It could mean going to all of the free agent pitching fairs in high school cafeterias across the country. It could mean wandering mall parking lots asking young men if they’d ever considered a career pitching for the Red Sox. And it will almost certainly mean many a night of sitting in living rooms in small towns across America explaining to working class parents what the Boston Red Sox have to offer their son.
Jose thinks it’s great that Mientkiewicz wants to take on a second job, Jose just wants him to think about the commitment it requires first.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
