It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Before everyone gets all bent of shape about the story that Manny Ramirez has asked for a trade (note: oops, too late) can we at least consider the possibility that this is not what it sounds like?
Maybe Manny didn’t actually request a trade to another team. Did you ever think about that jerks? Maybe he was simply requesting that Theo trade him a 1984 Lou Whitaker Topps baseball card for a 1991 Bobby Thigpen card. (Note: Or maybe Jose made that trade, it gets confusing.) Maybe, he thought he was calling his broker and demanding that he make some trades rather than keeping his portfolio static? Maybe, he was expressing his support from the Central American Free Trade agreement. See, we don’t really know.
Sure, we could believe the simplest possibility, that he wanted a trade to another team, but doesn’t that seem like we’re not giving Manny enough credit for being the nuanced, complicated man of the world that he is?
And another thing, what’s the deal with all of the demands that the Red Sox stop letting “Manny just be Manny?” In all of the columns voicing this opinion, Jose has not read a single suggestion of who the Red Sox should be pushing Manny to be if not himself. Should he be Mike Greenwell, Tory O’Leary, Bob Zupcic or any of the other bad to mediocre players who played left after the departure of Jim Rice? Is that what people really want? Should he be Alfonso Soriano? Cliff Floyd? Mike Cameron? Any of the other inferior players we could get for him?
Wasn’t Manny just being Manny when he hit the key home run off Barry Zito in Game 5 of the 2003 division series? Wasn’t he just being Manny when he won the World Series MVP?
Actually, he reminds Jose a lot of another Manny – Man-E-Faces, who, as best Jose can recall, was a He-Man character. The deal with Man-E-Faces was that he had three faces each representing a different aspect of his identity. There was the human face that was kind and good and decent, a monster face that was evil and cruel, and a robot face that was mechanical, cold and neutral. To get all of the good things that came with the human face, He-Man and pals needed to put up with the fact that he occasionally became a rampaging monster or a so-so robot. And you know what? They did. They did because it was worth it.
Yes Man-E-Faces Ramirez has multiple faces. Sometimes he’s the fearsome slugger we love, some times he’s the disgruntled, aloof diva we hate and sometimes he’s the clod in the outfield we both love and hate. But does the good outweigh the bad and the neutral? Jose thinks so. So before everyone runs Ramirez out of town, think about those faces, and then think if you really want him working for Skeletor.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, July 29
Wednesday, July 27
7/27/05 – Respect Manny’s Right to Privacy Don’t Read This
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. It was a rough day for Antipope Clement XV. Not only did he take a line drive off the side of the head, but Jose learned that he is not even the first Antipope Clement XV. Apparently, in 1963 an excommunicated French Canadian named Michel Colin named himself Pope Clement XV in protest of Vatican II. (Note: Or did he name himself Pope in protest of Big Audio Dynamite 2, it gets a little murky.) Since he had been excommunicated, he was regarded as an antipope, a minor antipope, but an antipope nonetheless. Still, Jose will continue to address Matt Clement as Antipope Clement XV rather than increasing him to Antipope Clement XVI. He had a hard day, and he doesn’t need any more stress.
While the accident looked terrible, and must have felt terrible, Jose is very happy to hear that the damage does not, thus far, appear to be serious. Jose had a feeling it wasn’t as bad as it could have been as soon as he noticed that no one tapped Clement with a mallet to determine whether he was alive or not and certainly no one smashed his papal ring.
With that out of the way, we can now focus on the fact that Clement has received no credit for stopping the ball. Sure it went in to left field, but he did a great job of making contact with it. Why is it that what would be called a terrific header in soccer, a vicious headbutt in wrestling or an illegal headbutt in boxing is regarded in baseball as a terrible accident? Sure the ball is traveling 110 mph and can pulverize bone, but that shouldn’t change anything. Jose congratulates Matt Clement on his brilliant header, and hopes that he gets well soon. Also, Jose suggests that next time you try a bicycle kick; it looks cooler and hurts less.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. It was a rough day for Antipope Clement XV. Not only did he take a line drive off the side of the head, but Jose learned that he is not even the first Antipope Clement XV. Apparently, in 1963 an excommunicated French Canadian named Michel Colin named himself Pope Clement XV in protest of Vatican II. (Note: Or did he name himself Pope in protest of Big Audio Dynamite 2, it gets a little murky.) Since he had been excommunicated, he was regarded as an antipope, a minor antipope, but an antipope nonetheless. Still, Jose will continue to address Matt Clement as Antipope Clement XV rather than increasing him to Antipope Clement XVI. He had a hard day, and he doesn’t need any more stress.
While the accident looked terrible, and must have felt terrible, Jose is very happy to hear that the damage does not, thus far, appear to be serious. Jose had a feeling it wasn’t as bad as it could have been as soon as he noticed that no one tapped Clement with a mallet to determine whether he was alive or not and certainly no one smashed his papal ring.
With that out of the way, we can now focus on the fact that Clement has received no credit for stopping the ball. Sure it went in to left field, but he did a great job of making contact with it. Why is it that what would be called a terrific header in soccer, a vicious headbutt in wrestling or an illegal headbutt in boxing is regarded in baseball as a terrible accident? Sure the ball is traveling 110 mph and can pulverize bone, but that shouldn’t change anything. Jose congratulates Matt Clement on his brilliant header, and hopes that he gets well soon. Also, Jose suggests that next time you try a bicycle kick; it looks cooler and hurts less.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, July 26
7/26/05 - Antipope Clement XV vs. Guy Hoping to Record One Out
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Here’s an interesting factoid on tonight’s Red Sox starter. Did you know that he was the founder of the Macedonian Orthodox Church? It’s true, Jose just looked it up and it turns out that St. Clement is the guy. Jose will confess that he is a little bit confused, as Clement was, as best he knew a pretender to the papacy, you know Antipope Clement XV and all, and all that, and thus a Catholic or at least a Catholic heretic, rather than Orthodox Christian. But thankfully Jose has a solution to this seemingly irreconcilable paradox – it’s religion, it doesn’t have to make sense!!!
Jose’s biggest regret from his trip to the Balkans is that he did not have a chance to visit the monastery of St. Clement in Plaoshnik. He would have liked to have lit a candle, laid a baseball at his tomb, done something.
But what implications does this revelation have for tonight’s game? Well, first of all, it turns out that Clement was born sometime between 830 and 839 AD, meaning that he is a little bit older than the Red Sox realized when they inked him to a multiyear deal. This certainly explains his history of scuffling in the second half of the season, so look for Sox manager Terry Eurona to keep him on a short leash tonight. Another major issue is that the Serbian Orthodox church does not recognize the Macedonian Orthodox Church as being autocephalous, insisting instead that it falls under the Serbian church’s authority. So Jose is concerned that when Clement pitches tonight he may have Patriarch Pavle on the brain.
On the upside, the letter K is the same in both the Latin and Cyrillic alphabets, so if one hangs K cards at the game tonight, Clement will still understand what you mean. And even better, the letter B is different so he will have no idea what BB stands for. (Note: In Cyrillic it’s ББ.)
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Here’s an interesting factoid on tonight’s Red Sox starter. Did you know that he was the founder of the Macedonian Orthodox Church? It’s true, Jose just looked it up and it turns out that St. Clement is the guy. Jose will confess that he is a little bit confused, as Clement was, as best he knew a pretender to the papacy, you know Antipope Clement XV and all, and all that, and thus a Catholic or at least a Catholic heretic, rather than Orthodox Christian. But thankfully Jose has a solution to this seemingly irreconcilable paradox – it’s religion, it doesn’t have to make sense!!!
Jose’s biggest regret from his trip to the Balkans is that he did not have a chance to visit the monastery of St. Clement in Plaoshnik. He would have liked to have lit a candle, laid a baseball at his tomb, done something.
But what implications does this revelation have for tonight’s game? Well, first of all, it turns out that Clement was born sometime between 830 and 839 AD, meaning that he is a little bit older than the Red Sox realized when they inked him to a multiyear deal. This certainly explains his history of scuffling in the second half of the season, so look for Sox manager Terry Eurona to keep him on a short leash tonight. Another major issue is that the Serbian Orthodox church does not recognize the Macedonian Orthodox Church as being autocephalous, insisting instead that it falls under the Serbian church’s authority. So Jose is concerned that when Clement pitches tonight he may have Patriarch Pavle on the brain.
On the upside, the letter K is the same in both the Latin and Cyrillic alphabets, so if one hangs K cards at the game tonight, Clement will still understand what you mean. And even better, the letter B is different so he will have no idea what BB stands for. (Note: In Cyrillic it’s ББ.)
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, July 25
7/25/05 – Wells vs. Waechter
2. Jose is excited about the Red Sox signing of reliever Craig Hansen out of St. John’s University. Not only is it possible that he could pitch in the majors as soon as this August, but it is also possible, or maybe even probable that he could perform his hit single “Mmmbop” with fellow Sox musician Balki Arroyo during the seventh inning stretch some balmy August evening.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, July 21
7/21/05 – Sox vs. Bizarro Sox
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As we creep towards the trade deadline, a rumor has emerged that the Red Sox are working on a major three way deal with Minnesota and Florida.
The proposed deal would send Umlaut Mueller and Kevin Millar to Minnesota for J.C. Romero and Joe Mays. Mays would then be shipped along with Balki Arroyo to the Florida Marlins for pitcher A.J. Burnett and, god forbid, Mike Lowell. Let’s break down the possible consequences of this trade.
• A major shift from scripted programming to reality television. By dumping the loveable Balki from “Perfect Strangers” and replacing him with Burnett, the guy who created Survivor (note: or stole it from European television, both are good) the Red Sox are finally casting their lot with reality TV, albeit five years too late. This one has T.V. Tom Werner’s fingerprints all over it.
• Destabilizing the Merrimack Valley. Do you really think that you can acquire Mike Lowell and not Brian Lawrence without repercussions? Not bloody likely.
• Trot Nixon will need a new number. Why, because the Red Sox must, absolutely must give J.C. Romero the number 7 once worn by Ed Romero or all of Ed’s fans won’t be able to bring their old replica jerseys out of the mothballs. Sorry Trot, this has to happen.
For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php
• Improved performance for Wade Miller. With Wade Miller free from the constant distraction of having to explain that he’s the one with no umlaut and no “a” in his name, he will be able to fully concentrate on actually pitching… and maybe even in the first inning.
• Decrease in the price of gas. With Kevin Youkilis becoming a permanent member of the big league club the decrease in trips between Boston and Pawtucket should put a major dent in the demand for gasoline, thereby lowering prices.
1. As we creep towards the trade deadline, a rumor has emerged that the Red Sox are working on a major three way deal with Minnesota and Florida.
The proposed deal would send Umlaut Mueller and Kevin Millar to Minnesota for J.C. Romero and Joe Mays. Mays would then be shipped along with Balki Arroyo to the Florida Marlins for pitcher A.J. Burnett and, god forbid, Mike Lowell. Let’s break down the possible consequences of this trade.
• A major shift from scripted programming to reality television. By dumping the loveable Balki from “Perfect Strangers” and replacing him with Burnett, the guy who created Survivor (note: or stole it from European television, both are good) the Red Sox are finally casting their lot with reality TV, albeit five years too late. This one has T.V. Tom Werner’s fingerprints all over it.
• Destabilizing the Merrimack Valley. Do you really think that you can acquire Mike Lowell and not Brian Lawrence without repercussions? Not bloody likely.
• Trot Nixon will need a new number. Why, because the Red Sox must, absolutely must give J.C. Romero the number 7 once worn by Ed Romero or all of Ed’s fans won’t be able to bring their old replica jerseys out of the mothballs. Sorry Trot, this has to happen.
For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php
• Improved performance for Wade Miller. With Wade Miller free from the constant distraction of having to explain that he’s the one with no umlaut and no “a” in his name, he will be able to fully concentrate on actually pitching… and maybe even in the first inning.
• Decrease in the price of gas. With Kevin Youkilis becoming a permanent member of the big league club the decrease in trips between Boston and Pawtucket should put a major dent in the demand for gasoline, thereby lowering prices.
Wednesday, July 20
7/20/05 - Tony Graffanino debut spectacular
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez drew some heat yesterday for disappearing into the left field wall of Fenway Park on Monday night and missing the better part of a pitch as a result. When asked yesterday why he had gone into the wall, Ramirez defied the conventional wisdom, that he had gone in to cool down with the help of a mist sprayer, by stating that he entered the wall in order to urinate in a cup.
Assuming that this is true, and why wouldn’t it be, Jose would like to take this opportunity to publicly condemn Major League Baseball. Jose is all in favor of random, unannounced steroid tests, but having them in the middle of the game? That just seems extreme, unnecessary and more than a little bit silly.
For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php
1. Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez drew some heat yesterday for disappearing into the left field wall of Fenway Park on Monday night and missing the better part of a pitch as a result. When asked yesterday why he had gone into the wall, Ramirez defied the conventional wisdom, that he had gone in to cool down with the help of a mist sprayer, by stating that he entered the wall in order to urinate in a cup.
Assuming that this is true, and why wouldn’t it be, Jose would like to take this opportunity to publicly condemn Major League Baseball. Jose is all in favor of random, unannounced steroid tests, but having them in the middle of the game? That just seems extreme, unnecessary and more than a little bit silly.
For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php
Tuesday, July 19
7/19/05 -- Balki vs. Fossum
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. On his recent trip through the Balkans, Jose, never much of a linguist, only managed to pick up only a few words of Albanian. He learned that “po” means “yes” and that “yo” means “no.” (Note: Do Albanians think that Rocky ended with Balboa rejecting dumping his wife with the phrase “Yo, Adrian?” What about Yo MTV Raps? Did they think it was a show protesting the evils of rap music?) The only other words he learned were “Katastrophe,” “catastrophe” in English, which is quite useful in describing the Sox recent performance, and “boston” which means “watermelon.”
Boston does not mean watermelon in all Albanian dialects, just in the Kosovo dialect. Apparently, it also means watermelon in Serbo-Croatian. The term is said to originate from Turkish. Jose found this discovery a bit ironic, as this year’s Boston baseball club has born an uncanny resemblance to the juicy red melon. Much like a watermelon, the Boston Red Sox look from the outside quite substantial, but when one really presses the contents, one discovers that much of the substance of the team, much of what looked so solid, disappears and all that remains is a pulpy red mess.
Jose assume that if Boston is a word for a fruit in Kosovo Albanian, our other rivals’ city names must also mean some sort of fruit. Jose hasn’t looked it up or anything, but he has a few guesses.
New York, Jose presumes, is Albanian for pomegranate, and like the pomegranate, the New York club is excessively expensive, decadent, mostly made from useless material (note: seeds, Jason Giambi, same thing) and when one looks inside, deeply divided.
Baltimore is Albanian for coconut. At first it doesn’t look like it’s going to be any good, but then you crack it open, sample it and discover that it’s a lot better than you expected. Then it gives you the trots, and you realize that maybe it wasn’t so good after all.
Toronto is Albanian for star fruit. Every time you see it, it looks intriguing and even though it was bad the last time you tried it, you think maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time it will be good. It is not, and neither are the Blue Jays.
Tampa Bay is Albanian for moldy, rotten, foul smelling oranges. They look bad, they smell bad and they only get worse with time.
Yes, Jose knows that comparing American League East teams to fruit is absurd, pointless and frustrating, but so is talking about the Red Sox, so fruit it is.
For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
1. On his recent trip through the Balkans, Jose, never much of a linguist, only managed to pick up only a few words of Albanian. He learned that “po” means “yes” and that “yo” means “no.” (Note: Do Albanians think that Rocky ended with Balboa rejecting dumping his wife with the phrase “Yo, Adrian?” What about Yo MTV Raps? Did they think it was a show protesting the evils of rap music?) The only other words he learned were “Katastrophe,” “catastrophe” in English, which is quite useful in describing the Sox recent performance, and “boston” which means “watermelon.”
Boston does not mean watermelon in all Albanian dialects, just in the Kosovo dialect. Apparently, it also means watermelon in Serbo-Croatian. The term is said to originate from Turkish. Jose found this discovery a bit ironic, as this year’s Boston baseball club has born an uncanny resemblance to the juicy red melon. Much like a watermelon, the Boston Red Sox look from the outside quite substantial, but when one really presses the contents, one discovers that much of the substance of the team, much of what looked so solid, disappears and all that remains is a pulpy red mess.
Jose assume that if Boston is a word for a fruit in Kosovo Albanian, our other rivals’ city names must also mean some sort of fruit. Jose hasn’t looked it up or anything, but he has a few guesses.
New York, Jose presumes, is Albanian for pomegranate, and like the pomegranate, the New York club is excessively expensive, decadent, mostly made from useless material (note: seeds, Jason Giambi, same thing) and when one looks inside, deeply divided.
Baltimore is Albanian for coconut. At first it doesn’t look like it’s going to be any good, but then you crack it open, sample it and discover that it’s a lot better than you expected. Then it gives you the trots, and you realize that maybe it wasn’t so good after all.
Toronto is Albanian for star fruit. Every time you see it, it looks intriguing and even though it was bad the last time you tried it, you think maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time it will be good. It is not, and neither are the Blue Jays.
Tampa Bay is Albanian for moldy, rotten, foul smelling oranges. They look bad, they smell bad and they only get worse with time.
Yes, Jose knows that comparing American League East teams to fruit is absurd, pointless and frustrating, but so is talking about the Red Sox, so fruit it is.
For the complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Monday, July 18
7/18/05 – Jose returns from DL
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. After an unprecedented 20 days on the disabled list, Jose returns to action today. He rejoins a Red Sox team that has lost five out of six against division rivals and badly needs his assistance. But will he be the same Jose as before his injury? The early results are discouraging.
While Jose professes to feel better than ever, he has not looked sharp in side sessions or simulated games thus far. His grammar has been a little shaky, his quips lackluster and his spelling, never one of his strong suits, has been abysmal. Since he has not yet looked like his old self, there has been some discussion that management, rather than asking Jose to write full KEYS, will have him write relief KEYS for a while, in other words, letting someone else write the first KEY or two and then coming in to write the third KEY if the game looks close coming down the stretch. There are even some rumors that Jose was the first to suggest this approach.
While Jose has offered to do anything that will help the team, some Red Sox have suggested that the idea is foolish at best.
When asked to comment on the situation (note: or even when not asked to comment on the situation) centerfielder Johnny Damon said, “You’ve got a lot of upset people in here. I don’t think he’s ready to be our closer. I think SoSHers like kevlog or Nuf Ced are the choice as the closer. I mean, not only does Jose not have long luxurious hair like me, he’s also not even really Mexican. By the way, did I mention that I love seeing my name in the paper. Not that I can read or anything, but I just like people telling me it’s there.”
Added first baseman Kevin Millar, “If you try to take my starting job away from me, I’ll cut you.”
Also at issue, is Jose’s rehabilitation routine. Rather than go to team physicians, Jose is rumored to have sought care in the Balkans, undertaking a course of treatment that was said to include drinking no fewer that 15 tiny cups of macchiato every day, while fending off questions as to why he did not know that former Albanian Prime Minister Fan Noli is buried in Boston.
Jose would like to address these rumors directly. Yes, he was in the Balkans, but not for himself, for the good of the team. How is it for the good of the team? Well, if studying strategies for bringing a lasting peace to one of the world’s most unstable regions isn’t important to the Red Sox, Jose doesn’t know what is. Do you really think the Red Sox can be successful without successful final status negotiations in Kosovo, a complete implementation of the Ohrid Framework agreement in Macedonia and a dramatic decrease in corruption in Albania? Let us not forget that Ted Williams missed what would have been some of his best seasons fighting in World War II, which was a direct consequence of World War I which started in, you guessed it, the Balkans. So unless you want John Papelbon to end up in the U.S. Air Force right when he’s coming into his prime, cut Jose some slack.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php?p=422
1. After an unprecedented 20 days on the disabled list, Jose returns to action today. He rejoins a Red Sox team that has lost five out of six against division rivals and badly needs his assistance. But will he be the same Jose as before his injury? The early results are discouraging.
While Jose professes to feel better than ever, he has not looked sharp in side sessions or simulated games thus far. His grammar has been a little shaky, his quips lackluster and his spelling, never one of his strong suits, has been abysmal. Since he has not yet looked like his old self, there has been some discussion that management, rather than asking Jose to write full KEYS, will have him write relief KEYS for a while, in other words, letting someone else write the first KEY or two and then coming in to write the third KEY if the game looks close coming down the stretch. There are even some rumors that Jose was the first to suggest this approach.
While Jose has offered to do anything that will help the team, some Red Sox have suggested that the idea is foolish at best.
When asked to comment on the situation (note: or even when not asked to comment on the situation) centerfielder Johnny Damon said, “You’ve got a lot of upset people in here. I don’t think he’s ready to be our closer. I think SoSHers like kevlog or Nuf Ced are the choice as the closer. I mean, not only does Jose not have long luxurious hair like me, he’s also not even really Mexican. By the way, did I mention that I love seeing my name in the paper. Not that I can read or anything, but I just like people telling me it’s there.”
Added first baseman Kevin Millar, “If you try to take my starting job away from me, I’ll cut you.”
Also at issue, is Jose’s rehabilitation routine. Rather than go to team physicians, Jose is rumored to have sought care in the Balkans, undertaking a course of treatment that was said to include drinking no fewer that 15 tiny cups of macchiato every day, while fending off questions as to why he did not know that former Albanian Prime Minister Fan Noli is buried in Boston.
Jose would like to address these rumors directly. Yes, he was in the Balkans, but not for himself, for the good of the team. How is it for the good of the team? Well, if studying strategies for bringing a lasting peace to one of the world’s most unstable regions isn’t important to the Red Sox, Jose doesn’t know what is. Do you really think the Red Sox can be successful without successful final status negotiations in Kosovo, a complete implementation of the Ohrid Framework agreement in Macedonia and a dramatic decrease in corruption in Albania? Let us not forget that Ted Williams missed what would have been some of his best seasons fighting in World War II, which was a direct consequence of World War I which started in, you guessed it, the Balkans. So unless you want John Papelbon to end up in the U.S. Air Force right when he’s coming into his prime, cut Jose some slack.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com/index.php?p=422
Tuesday, June 28
6/28/05 – SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.
Just like his idol Pedro Martinez, Jose is preparing to take a midsummer’s trip to the 15-day DL. Is he hurt? Is he on vacation? Who knows? Is he leaving his team in the lurch? Nope. In order to ensure that there is at least the possibility of KEYS during Jose’s DL stint, Jose has created the SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME, or as he prefers to call it “A gimmick that in no way infringes on Madlibs’ trademark.
Here’s how it works. Jose is posting a set of generic “skeleton” KEYS below that should be more or less valid for any game. Each game day, another of Jose’s readers can fill in the [BRACKETED WORDS]. If you’re a SoSHer post it in the game thread, if not post it as a comment in http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com (note: the wallballsingle.com link is down for some reason, but it should be up again soon) or email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com, and Jose will post it himself when he returns. Or don’t… whatever. Like Jose cares.
So here it goes.
It’s time for [OBSCURE RED SOX PLAYER]’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Well, last night’s game was [ADJECTIVE]. Sure, the Sox [OUTCOME OF GAME], but what [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] really wants to talk about is the performance of [CURRENT RED SOX PLAYER]. He is [BASEBALL ACTIVITY] unbelievably [ADVERB] right now. How [SAME ADVERB] is he playing? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] hasn’t seen a professional athlete perform like this since [PRO WRESLTER] in [YEAR].
The question is, why is he playing so [SAME ADVERB]? Was he bitten by a radioactive and/or genetically modified [ANIMAL OR CARNIVOROUS PLANT]? Is it possible he was struck by a [NOUN]? Or should we apply Occam’s [TOILERTY] and assume that he is simply a very [ADJECTIVE] baseball player.
Whatever the reason, [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would like to make a prediction. If [SAME CURRENT SOX PLAYER] keeps playing like this, Terry Eurona will have to [VERB] him or he will be the [ADJECTIVE] Red Sox manager since [PREVIOUS SOX MANAGER].
2. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] knows that this space is dedicated to following the Red Sox, not the Yankees, but they are such [PLURAL NOUN] that sometimes he can’t help but [VERB] about them. Today [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] feels compelled to [VERB] [NAME OF YANKEE, PLAYER, COACH, OWNER OR EMPLOYEE].
Let [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] be [ADJECTIVE], that guy’s a [NOUN]. How big of a [SAME NOUN] is he? Well, let’s put it this way, if he was a super villain he would be [SUPER VILLAIN], but without the [NOUN]. Not only does he make like [NUMBER] [CURRENCY] per year, his [STATISTICAL CATEGORY] numbers are lousy. He’s only at [NUMBER] this year. Big deal.
How much does he [ADJECTIVE]? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would rather have [CRAPPY RED SOX INFIELDER FROM HISTORY] than this guy, and [SAME INFIELDER] be lucky to have [NUMBER] [STASTICAL CATEGORY] if everything went right for him.
3. And on a final note, congratulations to [RED SOX PLAYER, COACH, EMPLOYEE OR OWNER] on his [BASEBALL ACCOMPLISHMENT OR LIFE EVENT] yesterday. There are a lot of [ADJECTIVE] people in baseball, so it’s nice to see one of the [ADJECTIVE] guys get what’s coming to him. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] only wishes that the [ADJECTIVE] reporters in this town would stop being such [PLURAL NOUN] and give this sort of thing the coverage that it so [ADVERB] deserves.
I’m [FULL NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] and those are me KEYS TO THE GAME.
So that should give you something to tide you over while Jose is drinking cold beer and… err.. undergoing intensive physical therapy and rehab.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.
For complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Just like his idol Pedro Martinez, Jose is preparing to take a midsummer’s trip to the 15-day DL. Is he hurt? Is he on vacation? Who knows? Is he leaving his team in the lurch? Nope. In order to ensure that there is at least the possibility of KEYS during Jose’s DL stint, Jose has created the SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME, or as he prefers to call it “A gimmick that in no way infringes on Madlibs’ trademark.
Here’s how it works. Jose is posting a set of generic “skeleton” KEYS below that should be more or less valid for any game. Each game day, another of Jose’s readers can fill in the [BRACKETED WORDS]. If you’re a SoSHer post it in the game thread, if not post it as a comment in http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com (note: the wallballsingle.com link is down for some reason, but it should be up again soon) or email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com, and Jose will post it himself when he returns. Or don’t… whatever. Like Jose cares.
So here it goes.
It’s time for [OBSCURE RED SOX PLAYER]’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Well, last night’s game was [ADJECTIVE]. Sure, the Sox [OUTCOME OF GAME], but what [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] really wants to talk about is the performance of [CURRENT RED SOX PLAYER]. He is [BASEBALL ACTIVITY] unbelievably [ADVERB] right now. How [SAME ADVERB] is he playing? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] hasn’t seen a professional athlete perform like this since [PRO WRESLTER] in [YEAR].
The question is, why is he playing so [SAME ADVERB]? Was he bitten by a radioactive and/or genetically modified [ANIMAL OR CARNIVOROUS PLANT]? Is it possible he was struck by a [NOUN]? Or should we apply Occam’s [TOILERTY] and assume that he is simply a very [ADJECTIVE] baseball player.
Whatever the reason, [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would like to make a prediction. If [SAME CURRENT SOX PLAYER] keeps playing like this, Terry Eurona will have to [VERB] him or he will be the [ADJECTIVE] Red Sox manager since [PREVIOUS SOX MANAGER].
2. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] knows that this space is dedicated to following the Red Sox, not the Yankees, but they are such [PLURAL NOUN] that sometimes he can’t help but [VERB] about them. Today [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] feels compelled to [VERB] [NAME OF YANKEE, PLAYER, COACH, OWNER OR EMPLOYEE].
Let [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] be [ADJECTIVE], that guy’s a [NOUN]. How big of a [SAME NOUN] is he? Well, let’s put it this way, if he was a super villain he would be [SUPER VILLAIN], but without the [NOUN]. Not only does he make like [NUMBER] [CURRENCY] per year, his [STATISTICAL CATEGORY] numbers are lousy. He’s only at [NUMBER] this year. Big deal.
How much does he [ADJECTIVE]? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would rather have [CRAPPY RED SOX INFIELDER FROM HISTORY] than this guy, and [SAME INFIELDER] be lucky to have [NUMBER] [STASTICAL CATEGORY] if everything went right for him.
3. And on a final note, congratulations to [RED SOX PLAYER, COACH, EMPLOYEE OR OWNER] on his [BASEBALL ACCOMPLISHMENT OR LIFE EVENT] yesterday. There are a lot of [ADJECTIVE] people in baseball, so it’s nice to see one of the [ADJECTIVE] guys get what’s coming to him. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] only wishes that the [ADJECTIVE] reporters in this town would stop being such [PLURAL NOUN] and give this sort of thing the coverage that it so [ADVERB] deserves.
I’m [FULL NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] and those are me KEYS TO THE GAME.
So that should give you something to tide you over while Jose is drinking cold beer and… err.. undergoing intensive physical therapy and rehab.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.
For complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Monday, June 27
6/27/05 – Balki vs. Millwood
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Wow. The Sox went 6-0 on the road trip. That’s really good. In fact, it’s their best road trip since they had a 9-0 west coast swing in 1977. How good were the Sox on the road last week? Well, let’s put it this way; the city of Lowell is reportedly planning on building a tribute to this road trip right next to the statue of Jack Kerouac.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
1. Wow. The Sox went 6-0 on the road trip. That’s really good. In fact, it’s their best road trip since they had a 9-0 west coast swing in 1977. How good were the Sox on the road last week? Well, let’s put it this way; the city of Lowell is reportedly planning on building a tribute to this road trip right next to the statue of Jack Kerouac.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Friday, June 24
6/24/05 – Sox visit Royal Bank of Scotland Ballpark
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Two years ago, the Red Sox made their last visit to Philadelphia and Grady Little made the decision that should have ended his managerial career. In the late innings of a game wherein the Red Sox blew three saves, the bumbling manager waited until after lefty slugger Jim Thome had hit a game tying homer to bring in lefty reliever Alan Embree even though Embree was already warm when Thome came to the plate. You know the details, so Jose will not bother to review them, unless of course, you blocked it out, in which case Jose will not do you the disservice of reminding you. Suffice it to say, the Philly Phanatic came off looking thoughtful and dignified in comparison with Grady that day.
Red Sox principal owner John W. Henry was rumored to be so upset with Grady’s non-move that he wanted to fire him on the spot. His co-owners and general manager thought better of it, however, and talked him out of making such a rash decision. Whoops. So instead of Little’s career being ended by a foolish decision in Philadelphia, it was ended by an even more foolish decision in New York three months later.
And now, as the Red Sox return to Philadelphia with a World Championship under their belt, Jose wonders what, if anything, current Sox manager Terry Eurona could do this weekend that might match Grady’s mistake two years ago and raise such ire in John W. Henry.
• Let Jason Shiell pitch to Thome just like Grady did. If Jason Shiell was on the roster maybe this wouldn’t be such a big deal. But for Tito to let Shiell pitch to Thome, he would have to acquire Shiell by usurping the power of GM Theo Epstein. Launching a coup seems like it might be grounds for dismissal.
• Bring Alan Embree to pitch to Jim Thome. What a difference two years makes. Okay, maybe doing this wouldn’t make Henry want to fire Tito, but Jose can assure you that at no point in this series will he be screaming “bring in Embree” like he did two years ago.
• Urinate on the Liberty Bell. That’s about as offensive and senseless as Grady’s moves two years ago. Of course, as a championship manager, Tito could probably get away with it.
Hmm… maybe there’s nothing Tito could do that would be as bad. Still, one does have to imagine he’ll be put to the test this weekend. Eurona is not a beloved figure in Philadelphia where he managed for four unsuccessful seasons. According to the Boston Globe, he had to park in different places every day out of fear for his safety, and when he returned as a scout, he had a security detail attached to him.
Jose imagines that the fact that he is now a World Series champion will only serve to further antagonize the Philadelphia hooligans. But Jose thinks that rather than ignoring it Tito should embrace it. When he is introduced tonight and the boos rain down, he should take a page from the late wrestling legend “Ravishing” Rick Rude and say “What I’d like right now is for all of you fat, ugly Philadelphia farm animals to keep the noise down while I put on my championship ring so the ladies can see what a real manager looks like.
They’re going to hate him either way, so he might as well get some shots in.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
1. Two years ago, the Red Sox made their last visit to Philadelphia and Grady Little made the decision that should have ended his managerial career. In the late innings of a game wherein the Red Sox blew three saves, the bumbling manager waited until after lefty slugger Jim Thome had hit a game tying homer to bring in lefty reliever Alan Embree even though Embree was already warm when Thome came to the plate. You know the details, so Jose will not bother to review them, unless of course, you blocked it out, in which case Jose will not do you the disservice of reminding you. Suffice it to say, the Philly Phanatic came off looking thoughtful and dignified in comparison with Grady that day.
Red Sox principal owner John W. Henry was rumored to be so upset with Grady’s non-move that he wanted to fire him on the spot. His co-owners and general manager thought better of it, however, and talked him out of making such a rash decision. Whoops. So instead of Little’s career being ended by a foolish decision in Philadelphia, it was ended by an even more foolish decision in New York three months later.
And now, as the Red Sox return to Philadelphia with a World Championship under their belt, Jose wonders what, if anything, current Sox manager Terry Eurona could do this weekend that might match Grady’s mistake two years ago and raise such ire in John W. Henry.
• Let Jason Shiell pitch to Thome just like Grady did. If Jason Shiell was on the roster maybe this wouldn’t be such a big deal. But for Tito to let Shiell pitch to Thome, he would have to acquire Shiell by usurping the power of GM Theo Epstein. Launching a coup seems like it might be grounds for dismissal.
• Bring Alan Embree to pitch to Jim Thome. What a difference two years makes. Okay, maybe doing this wouldn’t make Henry want to fire Tito, but Jose can assure you that at no point in this series will he be screaming “bring in Embree” like he did two years ago.
• Urinate on the Liberty Bell. That’s about as offensive and senseless as Grady’s moves two years ago. Of course, as a championship manager, Tito could probably get away with it.
Hmm… maybe there’s nothing Tito could do that would be as bad. Still, one does have to imagine he’ll be put to the test this weekend. Eurona is not a beloved figure in Philadelphia where he managed for four unsuccessful seasons. According to the Boston Globe, he had to park in different places every day out of fear for his safety, and when he returned as a scout, he had a security detail attached to him.
Jose imagines that the fact that he is now a World Series champion will only serve to further antagonize the Philadelphia hooligans. But Jose thinks that rather than ignoring it Tito should embrace it. When he is introduced tonight and the boos rain down, he should take a page from the late wrestling legend “Ravishing” Rick Rude and say “What I’d like right now is for all of you fat, ugly Philadelphia farm animals to keep the noise down while I put on my championship ring so the ladies can see what a real manager looks like.
They’re going to hate him either way, so he might as well get some shots in.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Tuesday, June 21
6/21/05 – Balki vs. Millwood
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Boston Herald beat writer Jeff Horrigan characterized Sox starter David Wells as putting in “five workman like innings” last night. Since he defined four runs over five innings on what felt like 170 pitches as “workmanlike,” Jose suspects that every borderline incompetent, crooked, or just plain sloppy contractor in greater Boston will be calling Horrigan today to offer great rates on home repairs.
And I’m willing to give you a special price. I’ll do this work for you for only $4 million per year for each of the next two years… plus incentives. What kind of incentives? Well, I can get up to an additional $5 million per year, depending on how often I show up to work on the house. How’s that sound to you? Do we have a deal? We do? That’s terrific… I’ll be over next week and will start putting in a workmanlike effort every fifth day.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
1. Boston Herald beat writer Jeff Horrigan characterized Sox starter David Wells as putting in “five workman like innings” last night. Since he defined four runs over five innings on what felt like 170 pitches as “workmanlike,” Jose suspects that every borderline incompetent, crooked, or just plain sloppy contractor in greater Boston will be calling Horrigan today to offer great rates on home repairs.
Hi, Mr. Horrigan? My name John Smith. I’m a general contractor, and I’d
like to do some work on your home. What can I do for you? Well, what do you
need? I can have some nice new recessed lighting installed for you. Now, I can’t
promise that the lights are going to work most of the time, but I’m almost
certain that you won’t get electrocuted.
Flooring? Well, I’ll tell you what, a lot of people will tell you that
hardwood flooring is the way to go, but me, I think balsa wood is a more
efficient alternative. After all, the purpose is to cover up the dirt or
concrete or what have you, and balsa will do that just as well as any maple or
oak, plus you can make model airplanes out of your floor if you get bored.
And you want a gas hook up? Sure I can do that for you. But let me tell
you a little secret. Yes, you’re going to smell a little bit of gas, but as long
as you keep the windows open at all times, it’s no problem. Sounds great,
doesn’t it?
And I’m willing to give you a special price. I’ll do this work for you for only $4 million per year for each of the next two years… plus incentives. What kind of incentives? Well, I can get up to an additional $5 million per year, depending on how often I show up to work on the house. How’s that sound to you? Do we have a deal? We do? That’s terrific… I’ll be over next week and will start putting in a workmanlike effort every fifth day.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Monday, June 20
6/20/05 – Sox vs. The Cleveland South Asians
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. When the Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years last October, countless commentators, pundits and drunks form around the country speculated that baseball would be ruined for Red Sox fans. They prognosticated that the chase, as long and frustrating as it was, would prove far more enjoyable than the actual catch. They were idiots of course, winning is fantastic. It’s better than fantastic, it’s transcendent. Since Foulke tossed the ball to Mientkiewiecz, every day has been a holiday.
Sure there is pleasure to be found in pursuit, and being unfulfilled drives men to devotion, to action and accomplishment, but did we as human beings, not as Red Sox fans, truly need to have the pursuit of an elusive championship as the motivating force in our lives? No, of course not. Each and every member of Red Sox nation has his own disappointments, his own failures that drive him, that haunt him; he doesn’t need 25 strangers to provide him with existential angst.
With his goal of seeing a Red Sox championship met, Jose has been able to focus on the other great unfulfilled goal in his life. When Jose was in kindergarten many moons ago, he was one of the two hot shot readers in his class. The fame, the notoriety… it was brilliant. Jose and his friend Mark both plowed trough the 53 volumes of the “I See Sam” series of readers. (Note: These were either about the adventures of a friendly lion and his animal friends or the adventures of Sammy Sosa and his animal friends, Jose can’t remember which.) Jose and Mark then moved on to the “Monster Books,” a series of readers for superstars that told the story of a little boy and his friend, a big purple monster. Jose flew though the books and found himself with two weeks left in the school year, and one book to go, “Monster Meets Lady Monster.” Then things fell apart. Some punk kid in the other kindergarten class had “Monster Meets Lady Monster” at home, and had not brought it back.
Each day Jose and Mark would go into school and ask “Is Monster Meets Lady Monster In? Is it? Is it?” But the answer was always no. Well, it was always no until the penultimate day of the school year, when the book made its triumphant return. Bu there was a problem, as any story demands. Only one of us could take it home. The tiebreaker, and the book went to Mark, as he was on his second year of kindergarten. So Jose went home bookless, dejected, shattered, wondering if his day would ever come. His impossible dream season had ended one book short of his goal.
Jose went back to the same elementary school the next year, but he couldn’t stand to go ask if he could read “Monster Meets Lady Monster.” It wouldn’t have been the same. He would have felt the same way the Yankees felt winning the 2005 season opener over the Red Sox after bowing in seven games in the ALCS the year before – sort of happy, but ultimately even more aware of the previous year’s failures.
As the years drifted on, Jose tried to put the little paperback book out of his mind and focus on bigger books like Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George and the Brothers Karamazov, but the fact that he had fallen one book short continued to gnaw at him.
The book continued to haunt Jose, keeping him from being the truly great reader he could have been. He never had a single year where he read every book assigned to him, not in middle school, not in high school, not even at Boston University. Some reporters even began speculating that perhaps there was a “Curse of ‘Monster Meets Lady Monster.’” They asked publicly if the big purple monster wasn’t haunting Jose. Jose knew there was no curse, there was no evidence of a curse, but the questions were like a tick burrowing under Jose’s skin and into his psyche.
Jose’s mother asked the school if they still had the book when he graduated from high school, she thought it would be a nice surprise, but the school said they had stopped using those books in 1984 or so. No luck.
Then when the Internet took off, Jose thought that perhaps it could bring him the elusive book. The Internet confirmed that the book existed, that it wasn’t some phantasm that materialized from his addled mind, but it offered no copies. Finally, last week, Jose discovered a copy at a used book store for $4.50 on amazon.com. Jose placed his order immediately.
Jose tried to contain his excitement. He had been down this road before, where victory, which seemed certain in one moment, vanished into the ether in the next. The box arrived. The tension was immense. Jose dropped to his knees as if in prayer, folded his hands, crossed his fingers and began to open the box. As it turned out, it is extremely hard to open a well-taped box while one’s fingers are crossed and hands are folded, so Jose got a knife. He carefully cut the scotch tape, peeled back the paper and stared down on a genuine copy of “Monster Meets Lady Monster” written by Ellen Blance and Ann Cook and illustrated by Quentin Blake in 1973.
Jose sat down with the Melendezette, and he read the book aloud to her, just as he would have read it 23 years before if not for the greed and/or sloth of that kid in the other class. It was euphoric. Charlie Brown finally kicked the football, Don Quixote had fought actual giants, Jose Melendez had completed a series of kindergarten readers!!!
But that was two days ago. It is in the past, which as St. Augustine reminds us, does not exist, it only used to exist. What now, Jose asks himself? What now? Reading doesn’t feel the same anymore. For 23 years, Jose had remained literate for no reason other than being able to read “Monster Meets Lady Monster” should the opportunity ever arise. Now that he’s done it, what’s the point? Why should he bother reading now? What does it even matter if he’s literate. It’s not like reading is any fun any more, or that he can learn anything from it. Now that the goal is accomplished ,the process, the tools that it took to accomplish that goal, are moot.
So now Jose is stuck. He is illiterate since he read “Monster Meets Lady Monster,” and he hates watching baseball since the Red Sox won the World Series. What else is there to do? Perhaps he can fixate on the fact that he got cut from little league in 1987 and try to make an American Legion baseball team. But why bother? Even if he succeeds he’ll probably just lose interest in playing baseball and lose his ability to hit. Of course, if he lost all ability to hit, that would leave him pretty much where he is now, so no biggie.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
1. When the Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years last October, countless commentators, pundits and drunks form around the country speculated that baseball would be ruined for Red Sox fans. They prognosticated that the chase, as long and frustrating as it was, would prove far more enjoyable than the actual catch. They were idiots of course, winning is fantastic. It’s better than fantastic, it’s transcendent. Since Foulke tossed the ball to Mientkiewiecz, every day has been a holiday.
Sure there is pleasure to be found in pursuit, and being unfulfilled drives men to devotion, to action and accomplishment, but did we as human beings, not as Red Sox fans, truly need to have the pursuit of an elusive championship as the motivating force in our lives? No, of course not. Each and every member of Red Sox nation has his own disappointments, his own failures that drive him, that haunt him; he doesn’t need 25 strangers to provide him with existential angst.
With his goal of seeing a Red Sox championship met, Jose has been able to focus on the other great unfulfilled goal in his life. When Jose was in kindergarten many moons ago, he was one of the two hot shot readers in his class. The fame, the notoriety… it was brilliant. Jose and his friend Mark both plowed trough the 53 volumes of the “I See Sam” series of readers. (Note: These were either about the adventures of a friendly lion and his animal friends or the adventures of Sammy Sosa and his animal friends, Jose can’t remember which.) Jose and Mark then moved on to the “Monster Books,” a series of readers for superstars that told the story of a little boy and his friend, a big purple monster. Jose flew though the books and found himself with two weeks left in the school year, and one book to go, “Monster Meets Lady Monster.” Then things fell apart. Some punk kid in the other kindergarten class had “Monster Meets Lady Monster” at home, and had not brought it back.
Each day Jose and Mark would go into school and ask “Is Monster Meets Lady Monster In? Is it? Is it?” But the answer was always no. Well, it was always no until the penultimate day of the school year, when the book made its triumphant return. Bu there was a problem, as any story demands. Only one of us could take it home. The tiebreaker, and the book went to Mark, as he was on his second year of kindergarten. So Jose went home bookless, dejected, shattered, wondering if his day would ever come. His impossible dream season had ended one book short of his goal.
Jose went back to the same elementary school the next year, but he couldn’t stand to go ask if he could read “Monster Meets Lady Monster.” It wouldn’t have been the same. He would have felt the same way the Yankees felt winning the 2005 season opener over the Red Sox after bowing in seven games in the ALCS the year before – sort of happy, but ultimately even more aware of the previous year’s failures.
As the years drifted on, Jose tried to put the little paperback book out of his mind and focus on bigger books like Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George and the Brothers Karamazov, but the fact that he had fallen one book short continued to gnaw at him.
The book continued to haunt Jose, keeping him from being the truly great reader he could have been. He never had a single year where he read every book assigned to him, not in middle school, not in high school, not even at Boston University. Some reporters even began speculating that perhaps there was a “Curse of ‘Monster Meets Lady Monster.’” They asked publicly if the big purple monster wasn’t haunting Jose. Jose knew there was no curse, there was no evidence of a curse, but the questions were like a tick burrowing under Jose’s skin and into his psyche.
Jose’s mother asked the school if they still had the book when he graduated from high school, she thought it would be a nice surprise, but the school said they had stopped using those books in 1984 or so. No luck.
Then when the Internet took off, Jose thought that perhaps it could bring him the elusive book. The Internet confirmed that the book existed, that it wasn’t some phantasm that materialized from his addled mind, but it offered no copies. Finally, last week, Jose discovered a copy at a used book store for $4.50 on amazon.com. Jose placed his order immediately.
Jose tried to contain his excitement. He had been down this road before, where victory, which seemed certain in one moment, vanished into the ether in the next. The box arrived. The tension was immense. Jose dropped to his knees as if in prayer, folded his hands, crossed his fingers and began to open the box. As it turned out, it is extremely hard to open a well-taped box while one’s fingers are crossed and hands are folded, so Jose got a knife. He carefully cut the scotch tape, peeled back the paper and stared down on a genuine copy of “Monster Meets Lady Monster” written by Ellen Blance and Ann Cook and illustrated by Quentin Blake in 1973.
Jose sat down with the Melendezette, and he read the book aloud to her, just as he would have read it 23 years before if not for the greed and/or sloth of that kid in the other class. It was euphoric. Charlie Brown finally kicked the football, Don Quixote had fought actual giants, Jose Melendez had completed a series of kindergarten readers!!!
But that was two days ago. It is in the past, which as St. Augustine reminds us, does not exist, it only used to exist. What now, Jose asks himself? What now? Reading doesn’t feel the same anymore. For 23 years, Jose had remained literate for no reason other than being able to read “Monster Meets Lady Monster” should the opportunity ever arise. Now that he’s done it, what’s the point? Why should he bother reading now? What does it even matter if he’s literate. It’s not like reading is any fun any more, or that he can learn anything from it. Now that the goal is accomplished ,the process, the tools that it took to accomplish that goal, are moot.
So now Jose is stuck. He is illiterate since he read “Monster Meets Lady Monster,” and he hates watching baseball since the Red Sox won the World Series. What else is there to do? Perhaps he can fixate on the fact that he got cut from little league in 1987 and try to make an American Legion baseball team. But why bother? Even if he succeeds he’ll probably just lose interest in playing baseball and lose his ability to hit. Of course, if he lost all ability to hit, that would leave him pretty much where he is now, so no biggie.
For more visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com
Friday, June 17
6/17/05 – The Pirates’ 102 year Boston Boycott ends
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
In some ways this is a tough time of year for Jose. Yes, work is slowing down, the weather is warming up and there’s baseball every night, by all reckoning this should be the best time of year, but it isn’t… not for Jose. As the sweet pollen of summer fills the air, as the choking haze overwhelms the ocean breezes, Jose’s sinuses fill with fluid, his throat constricts and breathing becomes a laborious chore. Every day the simple act of inhaling grows more and more difficult. And with each breath Jose gasps for the little air that will sustain him. Actually, Jose in June bares remarkably similarities to the June 2005 edition of the New York Yankees, with the gasping, the struggling, and the just hoping to hang on. Heck, Jose even uses steroids to treat his allergies.
But Jose knows that in time the struggles will cease, that the air will clear and things will resolve themselves. The Yankees do not know this. They cannot wait. If George Steinbrenner had hay fever the last thing that would occur to him would be that it might just go away, or that it could be resolved with a mild course of medication. No, in Geroge’s world hay fever would require radical steps. First he’d yell at it. “I paid good money for this body,” he’d scream. “And I don’t expect it to react to particles of nothing in the air like it’s a genuine threat.” After yelling failed, he’d remove the offending organ, Steinbrenner would chop his nose clean off, in the mistaken notion that removing the symptom will solve the problem. Finally, he would get desperate; he’d panic and make a trade. He’d go directly to the medical encyclopedia and decide that his best option was to trade hay fever for colon cancer. Yes every action would make the problem worse.
And this is where the Yankees are now readying themselves for a dizzying course of ill advised quackery. By the end of the season, Jose fully expects to see A-Rod and Jeter walking around with leeches attached to their skin.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
In some ways this is a tough time of year for Jose. Yes, work is slowing down, the weather is warming up and there’s baseball every night, by all reckoning this should be the best time of year, but it isn’t… not for Jose. As the sweet pollen of summer fills the air, as the choking haze overwhelms the ocean breezes, Jose’s sinuses fill with fluid, his throat constricts and breathing becomes a laborious chore. Every day the simple act of inhaling grows more and more difficult. And with each breath Jose gasps for the little air that will sustain him. Actually, Jose in June bares remarkably similarities to the June 2005 edition of the New York Yankees, with the gasping, the struggling, and the just hoping to hang on. Heck, Jose even uses steroids to treat his allergies.
But Jose knows that in time the struggles will cease, that the air will clear and things will resolve themselves. The Yankees do not know this. They cannot wait. If George Steinbrenner had hay fever the last thing that would occur to him would be that it might just go away, or that it could be resolved with a mild course of medication. No, in Geroge’s world hay fever would require radical steps. First he’d yell at it. “I paid good money for this body,” he’d scream. “And I don’t expect it to react to particles of nothing in the air like it’s a genuine threat.” After yelling failed, he’d remove the offending organ, Steinbrenner would chop his nose clean off, in the mistaken notion that removing the symptom will solve the problem. Finally, he would get desperate; he’d panic and make a trade. He’d go directly to the medical encyclopedia and decide that his best option was to trade hay fever for colon cancer. Yes every action would make the problem worse.
And this is where the Yankees are now readying themselves for a dizzying course of ill advised quackery. By the end of the season, Jose fully expects to see A-Rod and Jeter walking around with leeches attached to their skin.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, June 15
6/15/05 -- 1975 World SEries Game 10
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. An open letter to Bill Simmons, a.k.a. ESPN.com’s “The Sports Guy.”
Dear Bill,
“I’m Bill Simmons and this is my column.” June 13, 2005, 2:34 p.m. ET
Hmmm... That sounds familiar. Familiar like a Joe Biden term paper. But maybe not dishonest. That can’t have been an accident, can it?
No, you were sending Jose Melendez a message or an enticement. It’s like waving the red flag in front of the proverbial bull, the doughnut in front of the proverbial David Wells or the dollar bill in front of the proverbial Roger Clemens. You used Jose’s meter, his material, his style to get Jose’s attention, to get him to charge at you with his full weight behind him.
But why? Why call Jose out? Why try to show him up in front of the tens, if not dozens of people who would actually understand the message you were trying to send? Was it a taunt? An homage?
The possibility that you are mocking Jose haunts him. You’ve been like a father to Jose, a father he’s never met, spoken with or seen and who would have been like eight years old when Jose was born, but a father nonetheless, and after 28 years of ignoring Jose, this is how you chose to contact him? It’s like you’re Greg Minor. (Note: You have the national audience, you make the Shawn Kemp jokes, Jose is local and will stick obscure Celtics, thank you very much. Besides, Jose has a Greg Minor autograph somewhere and God knows, Minor’s play on the court didn’t make it valuable, so Jose needs to talk him up.)
For so long Jose’s dreamed you would contact him. You know, show up at his office begging for gambling money or a quick fix from the Dunkin’ Donuts next door, but it never happened. Jose even wrote you once or twice, suggesting gags. You remember, don’t you? Jose wrote you suggesting that if Johnny had hit Daniel San with that kick during the skeleton/ Halloween scene, the kick that shattered that sign, he would have killed Daniel and the movie would have been called “The Murder Trial of Johnny Lawrence” rather than “Karate Kid.” Jose knew he couldn’t use it, Karate Kid jokes are your thing, so he sent it to you as a gift, as a sign of respect. But you never answered, and Jose let you drift from his mind... the pain of being ignored was too great.
Just two weeks ago, Jose thought about trying to contact you again. Jose bought 11 unopened packs of Rocky IV trading cards in Rhode Island, and he was going to send you one, because he knows you’d like it. But now? Now Jose is thinking about buying unopened Rocky V trading cards to send you, that’s how agitated he is.
Are we enemies now? Is this like Bruno Sanmartino and Larry Zybysko? (Note: Apparently, Zybysko’s real name is Lawrence Whistler… that’s right, he changed his name to Larry Zybysko.) Will Jose be forced to betray you now and spend the next 30 years referring to himself as “The Living Legend Jose Melendez?” (Note: Okay no one calls you “living legend” so would probably steal your epithet and walk around referring to himself as “ESPN Page 2’s” Jose Melendez for the next 30 years.)
So what is it? What are you trying to say? Is Timmy trapped in a well? Are the aliens monitoring your columns? Are you jealous that ESPN Page 2’s Eric (K)neel had a blurb on the back of the KEYS Book? (Note: Now available in one different language!) Jose and maybe three people on Sons of Sam Horn are dying to know.
Your pal (note: or possibly enemy, let’s see how this plays out),
Jose Melendez
For the full KEYS visit http://www.wallballsingle.com/
1. An open letter to Bill Simmons, a.k.a. ESPN.com’s “The Sports Guy.”
Dear Bill,
“I’m Bill Simmons and this is my column.” June 13, 2005, 2:34 p.m. ET
Hmmm... That sounds familiar. Familiar like a Joe Biden term paper. But maybe not dishonest. That can’t have been an accident, can it?
No, you were sending Jose Melendez a message or an enticement. It’s like waving the red flag in front of the proverbial bull, the doughnut in front of the proverbial David Wells or the dollar bill in front of the proverbial Roger Clemens. You used Jose’s meter, his material, his style to get Jose’s attention, to get him to charge at you with his full weight behind him.
But why? Why call Jose out? Why try to show him up in front of the tens, if not dozens of people who would actually understand the message you were trying to send? Was it a taunt? An homage?
The possibility that you are mocking Jose haunts him. You’ve been like a father to Jose, a father he’s never met, spoken with or seen and who would have been like eight years old when Jose was born, but a father nonetheless, and after 28 years of ignoring Jose, this is how you chose to contact him? It’s like you’re Greg Minor. (Note: You have the national audience, you make the Shawn Kemp jokes, Jose is local and will stick obscure Celtics, thank you very much. Besides, Jose has a Greg Minor autograph somewhere and God knows, Minor’s play on the court didn’t make it valuable, so Jose needs to talk him up.)
For so long Jose’s dreamed you would contact him. You know, show up at his office begging for gambling money or a quick fix from the Dunkin’ Donuts next door, but it never happened. Jose even wrote you once or twice, suggesting gags. You remember, don’t you? Jose wrote you suggesting that if Johnny had hit Daniel San with that kick during the skeleton/ Halloween scene, the kick that shattered that sign, he would have killed Daniel and the movie would have been called “The Murder Trial of Johnny Lawrence” rather than “Karate Kid.” Jose knew he couldn’t use it, Karate Kid jokes are your thing, so he sent it to you as a gift, as a sign of respect. But you never answered, and Jose let you drift from his mind... the pain of being ignored was too great.
Just two weeks ago, Jose thought about trying to contact you again. Jose bought 11 unopened packs of Rocky IV trading cards in Rhode Island, and he was going to send you one, because he knows you’d like it. But now? Now Jose is thinking about buying unopened Rocky V trading cards to send you, that’s how agitated he is.
Are we enemies now? Is this like Bruno Sanmartino and Larry Zybysko? (Note: Apparently, Zybysko’s real name is Lawrence Whistler… that’s right, he changed his name to Larry Zybysko.) Will Jose be forced to betray you now and spend the next 30 years referring to himself as “The Living Legend Jose Melendez?” (Note: Okay no one calls you “living legend” so would probably steal your epithet and walk around referring to himself as “ESPN Page 2’s” Jose Melendez for the next 30 years.)
So what is it? What are you trying to say? Is Timmy trapped in a well? Are the aliens monitoring your columns? Are you jealous that ESPN Page 2’s Eric (K)neel had a blurb on the back of the KEYS Book? (Note: Now available in one different language!) Jose and maybe three people on Sons of Sam Horn are dying to know.
Your pal (note: or possibly enemy, let’s see how this plays out),
Jose Melendez
For the full KEYS visit http://www.wallballsingle.com/
Tuesday, June 14
6/14/05 – 1975 World Series Game 9
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. In the eight inning of last night’s game, (note: at which Jose improved to 4-0) the Mo Vaughn Jumbotron announced that Jason Varitek’s wife Karen gave birth to a baby girl who they named Caroline, ostensibly after the Neil Diamond/Fenway Park classic Sweet Caroline. At least, Jose hopes that’s the reason. The other possibility is that their favorite sitcom was Caroline in the City, and that’s just too horrible to contemplate.
But all in all, this name is a good choice when one thinks of all of the other Fenway Park anthems that they could have named their daughter after. It beats the heck out of Boom Boom Boom (let me hear you say way-ooh) Varitek, Dirty Water Varitek and most especially Tessie Varitek.
So congratulations to the Variteks both on the birth of their daughter and on their shrewd naming skills.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. In the eight inning of last night’s game, (note: at which Jose improved to 4-0) the Mo Vaughn Jumbotron announced that Jason Varitek’s wife Karen gave birth to a baby girl who they named Caroline, ostensibly after the Neil Diamond/Fenway Park classic Sweet Caroline. At least, Jose hopes that’s the reason. The other possibility is that their favorite sitcom was Caroline in the City, and that’s just too horrible to contemplate.
But all in all, this name is a good choice when one thinks of all of the other Fenway Park anthems that they could have named their daughter after. It beats the heck out of Boom Boom Boom (let me hear you say way-ooh) Varitek, Dirty Water Varitek and most especially Tessie Varitek.
So congratulations to the Variteks both on the birth of their daughter and on their shrewd naming skills.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, June 13
6/13/05 – 1975 World Series Game 8
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Sunscreen is a lot like starting pitching --by the time you know that it isn’t working, it’s already way too late.
When Jose went to Horseneck Beach on Sunday, he thought he was covered. He coated up with Banana Boat SPF 30 spray sun block and got ready to soak up some rays. This was a change for Jose. In the past he had always used cream sun block. He always knew exactly what he was getting with the cream. He knew its upsides, that it could be highly effective at preventing sunburns, especially on the hottest days. But he also knew the downsides, that it was sticky and difficult to spread through chest hair, sometimes resulting in uneven performance, and thus blotchy sunburns.
So Jose made a decision this winter to trade in the cream sun block for the spray. He was all too familiar with the negatives of the cream and from a distance the spray seemed like a better bet. So Jose went into his first beach day of the year with the spray, and everything felt like it was going according to plan. He sprayed when he got to the beach, he resprayed when he got out of the water and his skin remained a pasty white. That is, it remained a pasty white until about an hour after he left the beach when white turned to red more quickly and only modestly less painfully than Russia in 1917. Whoops, too late.
As it turned out, Jose’s new sun screen hadn’t gotten the job done. Under the bright lights, it was flat out ineffective. For the extremely dense among you, allow Jose to spell it out. Pedro and DLowe are cream sun block and this year’s rotation is spray on. Last year’s rotation could be uneven, but it was highly effective when it counted. And this year’s rotation? So far it has been ineffective far too often, and when that has been the case, the Red Sox have gotten burned.
But there the analogy seems to end. When Jose goes back to the beach next week, he will be packing cream sun block. Can he get anything in return for the spray? Probably not, he may just have to swallow the cost of the bottle. But the Red Sox can’t just go back to the cream, Pedro and DLowe are gone, and they aren’t coming back. The question is whether Theo Epstein can find another kind of sun block or whether he is going to have to spend the rest of the year relying on the spray on and getting burned to a crisp.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Sunscreen is a lot like starting pitching --by the time you know that it isn’t working, it’s already way too late.
When Jose went to Horseneck Beach on Sunday, he thought he was covered. He coated up with Banana Boat SPF 30 spray sun block and got ready to soak up some rays. This was a change for Jose. In the past he had always used cream sun block. He always knew exactly what he was getting with the cream. He knew its upsides, that it could be highly effective at preventing sunburns, especially on the hottest days. But he also knew the downsides, that it was sticky and difficult to spread through chest hair, sometimes resulting in uneven performance, and thus blotchy sunburns.
So Jose made a decision this winter to trade in the cream sun block for the spray. He was all too familiar with the negatives of the cream and from a distance the spray seemed like a better bet. So Jose went into his first beach day of the year with the spray, and everything felt like it was going according to plan. He sprayed when he got to the beach, he resprayed when he got out of the water and his skin remained a pasty white. That is, it remained a pasty white until about an hour after he left the beach when white turned to red more quickly and only modestly less painfully than Russia in 1917. Whoops, too late.
As it turned out, Jose’s new sun screen hadn’t gotten the job done. Under the bright lights, it was flat out ineffective. For the extremely dense among you, allow Jose to spell it out. Pedro and DLowe are cream sun block and this year’s rotation is spray on. Last year’s rotation could be uneven, but it was highly effective when it counted. And this year’s rotation? So far it has been ineffective far too often, and when that has been the case, the Red Sox have gotten burned.
But there the analogy seems to end. When Jose goes back to the beach next week, he will be packing cream sun block. Can he get anything in return for the spray? Probably not, he may just have to swallow the cost of the bottle. But the Red Sox can’t just go back to the cream, Pedro and DLowe are gone, and they aren’t coming back. The question is whether Theo Epstein can find another kind of sun block or whether he is going to have to spend the rest of the year relying on the spray on and getting burned to a crisp.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, June 10
6/10/05 – Red Sox go for Two Straight Over the Cubs
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The Red Sox continue their swing through the National League Central today with the first game of a series against the Chicago Cubs that is completely and utterly without symbolic and historic significance. That’s right this series has no special meaning. None.
Yes, yes the Red Sox beat the Cubs to win the 1918 World Series, but so what? We beat the Pirates to win the 1903 World Series, and when we play them it’s nothing more than a footnote of modest interest. Nor does anyone recount the glory of 1915 when we play the Phillies. The Cubs are just another team with whom the Red Sox share no special relationship whatsoever aside from the fact that they both play in very old and cool stadiums. When push comes to shove the Red Sox are the defending World Champions and the Cubs are a team that believes that they were cursed by a goat. It’s true. Cubs fans (note: or at least Cubs beat writers) now track their failures to livestock rather than the cheapness of the Tribune Company. But it got Jose thinking, if the Cubs were cursed by a farm animal what animal might be responsible for the curse that has held the Yankees championshipless in the 21st century despite spending more than one-half billion dollars? Since the real source of their troubles is George Steinbrenner, Jose would have to say it’s “The Curse of the Jackass.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. The Red Sox continue their swing through the National League Central today with the first game of a series against the Chicago Cubs that is completely and utterly without symbolic and historic significance. That’s right this series has no special meaning. None.
Yes, yes the Red Sox beat the Cubs to win the 1918 World Series, but so what? We beat the Pirates to win the 1903 World Series, and when we play them it’s nothing more than a footnote of modest interest. Nor does anyone recount the glory of 1915 when we play the Phillies. The Cubs are just another team with whom the Red Sox share no special relationship whatsoever aside from the fact that they both play in very old and cool stadiums. When push comes to shove the Red Sox are the defending World Champions and the Cubs are a team that believes that they were cursed by a goat. It’s true. Cubs fans (note: or at least Cubs beat writers) now track their failures to livestock rather than the cheapness of the Tribune Company. But it got Jose thinking, if the Cubs were cursed by a farm animal what animal might be responsible for the curse that has held the Yankees championshipless in the 21st century despite spending more than one-half billion dollars? Since the real source of their troubles is George Steinbrenner, Jose would have to say it’s “The Curse of the Jackass.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, June 8
6/8/05 -- Wells vs. Carpenter
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Well, the St. Louis Cardinals are finally showing some life against the Red Sox long after the World Series spotlight has dimmed and the media hordes have drifted off. Why the difference now? Perhaps the World Series logo on the jerseys set their hitters off balance.
Yes, a two game losing streak to a very good team in June is relatively unimportant, but Jose worries that this series is highlighting the difference between this year’s Sox team and last year’s championship edition.
The reason the Red Sox had such an easy time in last year’s World Series was their starting pitching. We had great starters, they had merely good starters. Over the course of the season our rotation was not so much better than theirs, but in the October chill, our great pitchers pitched great and their good pitchers pitched poorly. (Note: Okay even our bad pitchers like DLowe, pitched great).
What troubles Jose is that when he looks at the Red Sox rotation right now, he sees the St. Louis rotation from 2004. Five perfectly good pitchers, any of whom he is happy to have in his rotation, but who among them would you like to have pitch Game 1 of the World Series for you?
Right now the Sox rotation is like playing five card draw and getting dealt a King, a Queen, a Jack a Ten all hearts, and then having a 9 of clubs. Yes, all of those cards are just fine, and any of them could be part of a great hand under the right circumstances, but with those five together, you’ve got a loser. Yes, you can bluff your way along with it for a while, but when the time comes to draw, you need to trade that nine in and pray for the ace of hearts. If you draw that ace of hearts then you have something special, if you draw any heart you’ve got something good and if you pick up any other ace or a ten you have something okay, but be assured, the status quo is not good enough. (Note: Jose knows that poker analogies are cliché, but he would like to take credit for defying fashion by using a five card draw analogy rather than a hold ‘em analogy.)
The question is how do you force the ace? Drawing a healthy Curt Euro is the clearest possibility, but who knows if it is a realistic one. So what are the other options? With Ben Sheets and Johann Santana safely tied up and Roger Clemens an overpriced relic who cannot be relied upon to beat Jeff Suppan in the big games, Jose thinks we are stuck relying on holograms or possibly robots… robots have been good before. (Note: What did you really think you were going to get sound analysis of the market for starting pitchers from KEYS TO THE GAME? If you want sounds analysis, go to the SoSH main board. If you want robots as the answer for pretty much everything, come to the KEYS.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Well, the St. Louis Cardinals are finally showing some life against the Red Sox long after the World Series spotlight has dimmed and the media hordes have drifted off. Why the difference now? Perhaps the World Series logo on the jerseys set their hitters off balance.
Yes, a two game losing streak to a very good team in June is relatively unimportant, but Jose worries that this series is highlighting the difference between this year’s Sox team and last year’s championship edition.
The reason the Red Sox had such an easy time in last year’s World Series was their starting pitching. We had great starters, they had merely good starters. Over the course of the season our rotation was not so much better than theirs, but in the October chill, our great pitchers pitched great and their good pitchers pitched poorly. (Note: Okay even our bad pitchers like DLowe, pitched great).
What troubles Jose is that when he looks at the Red Sox rotation right now, he sees the St. Louis rotation from 2004. Five perfectly good pitchers, any of whom he is happy to have in his rotation, but who among them would you like to have pitch Game 1 of the World Series for you?
Right now the Sox rotation is like playing five card draw and getting dealt a King, a Queen, a Jack a Ten all hearts, and then having a 9 of clubs. Yes, all of those cards are just fine, and any of them could be part of a great hand under the right circumstances, but with those five together, you’ve got a loser. Yes, you can bluff your way along with it for a while, but when the time comes to draw, you need to trade that nine in and pray for the ace of hearts. If you draw that ace of hearts then you have something special, if you draw any heart you’ve got something good and if you pick up any other ace or a ten you have something okay, but be assured, the status quo is not good enough. (Note: Jose knows that poker analogies are cliché, but he would like to take credit for defying fashion by using a five card draw analogy rather than a hold ‘em analogy.)
The question is how do you force the ace? Drawing a healthy Curt Euro is the clearest possibility, but who knows if it is a realistic one. So what are the other options? With Ben Sheets and Johann Santana safely tied up and Roger Clemens an overpriced relic who cannot be relied upon to beat Jeff Suppan in the big games, Jose thinks we are stuck relying on holograms or possibly robots… robots have been good before. (Note: What did you really think you were going to get sound analysis of the market for starting pitchers from KEYS TO THE GAME? If you want sounds analysis, go to the SoSH main board. If you want robots as the answer for pretty much everything, come to the KEYS.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, June 7
6/7/05 – World’s Worst Hitter vs. World’s Worst Baserunner
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yesterday, a friend of Jose’s forwarded an inquiry to him from a discussion board at her office.
Red Sox Dance Figure Symbolism Query (Again)
A little while ago I asked for input from Red Sox fans regarding a folkdance a friend of mine is writing. (It will be set to a tune called"The Reverse the Curse Reel," which a Boston-area fiddler wrote last fall.)
She is looking for a little more help:
"We are almost done devising this thing, and it actually seems to work.However, we're hoping to find a Red Sox or baseball connection for an odd feature we're faced with. The dance ends with parallel reels of 3 on the sides, which flow perfectly from the preceding figure. The women need to end it either awkwardly, as per RSCDS standard, or do a twiddle, which isn't standard but is more fun. We're inclined to go with the twiddle, but would love to justify it with some symbolism.
So, can you (or any of your useful connections) think of a connection for a hook, or a twiddle, or taking a long path, or any other way one could describe doing the extra loop on a reel of 3? Of course, a manager gives a pitcher the hook. Can we work that in? Is it an appropriate way to end the dance?"
[The reel is a figure in which three dancers walk the same figure of eight path simultaneously, starting in different spots. The twiddle is an extra turn or twirl the women have to put in to end in place facing in the right direction.]
Thanks.
Here’s Jose’s take on it… Huh?
As you know, Jose has made a blogging career out of connecting pretty much any human endeavor (note: wrestling, politics, crochet, fly fishing) to Red Sox baseball, but this may be beyond even his formidable powers.
Nevertheless, Jose will give it a try. But before he starts, Jose needs to define the terms here. The posting provides a definition for “twiddle” and “reel,” but not “RSCDS.” Let’s look it up. Hold on for just a moment more… There. It stands for Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. Good thing Jose looked it up; his best guesses were that it stood for either Red Sox Castoff Donnie Sadler or Red Sox Calamity Dale Sveum. Now that we’ve defined our terms let’s dive deep into the symbolism.
Now, since this is a “folk dance” the absolute easiest thing in the world would be to tie it in to closer Keith Foulke, for whom folk dancing is named. If we looked for a symbolic move based on Foulke’s performance this year, it would almost certainly involve the men spinning the women into each other and the whole group ending up in a bruised mess on the ground.
Fortunately, the dance is called the “Reverse of the Curse Reel,” so they’re probably looking for something connected to last year, thereby avoiding the pile of mangled folk dancers that is Keith Foulke’s 2005 season. In fact, last year’s accomplishment is too big to limit to Keith Foulke, as great as he was, so let’s build a dance that will honor the whole squad. Jose set off to actually learn some dance terminology that goes beyond twiddling with the help of www.wallballsingle.com
1. Yesterday, a friend of Jose’s forwarded an inquiry to him from a discussion board at her office.
Red Sox Dance Figure Symbolism Query (Again)
A little while ago I asked for input from Red Sox fans regarding a folkdance a friend of mine is writing. (It will be set to a tune called"The Reverse the Curse Reel," which a Boston-area fiddler wrote last fall.)
She is looking for a little more help:
"We are almost done devising this thing, and it actually seems to work.However, we're hoping to find a Red Sox or baseball connection for an odd feature we're faced with. The dance ends with parallel reels of 3 on the sides, which flow perfectly from the preceding figure. The women need to end it either awkwardly, as per RSCDS standard, or do a twiddle, which isn't standard but is more fun. We're inclined to go with the twiddle, but would love to justify it with some symbolism.
So, can you (or any of your useful connections) think of a connection for a hook, or a twiddle, or taking a long path, or any other way one could describe doing the extra loop on a reel of 3? Of course, a manager gives a pitcher the hook. Can we work that in? Is it an appropriate way to end the dance?"
[The reel is a figure in which three dancers walk the same figure of eight path simultaneously, starting in different spots. The twiddle is an extra turn or twirl the women have to put in to end in place facing in the right direction.]
Thanks.
Here’s Jose’s take on it… Huh?
As you know, Jose has made a blogging career out of connecting pretty much any human endeavor (note: wrestling, politics, crochet, fly fishing) to Red Sox baseball, but this may be beyond even his formidable powers.
Nevertheless, Jose will give it a try. But before he starts, Jose needs to define the terms here. The posting provides a definition for “twiddle” and “reel,” but not “RSCDS.” Let’s look it up. Hold on for just a moment more… There. It stands for Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. Good thing Jose looked it up; his best guesses were that it stood for either Red Sox Castoff Donnie Sadler or Red Sox Calamity Dale Sveum. Now that we’ve defined our terms let’s dive deep into the symbolism.
Now, since this is a “folk dance” the absolute easiest thing in the world would be to tie it in to closer Keith Foulke, for whom folk dancing is named. If we looked for a symbolic move based on Foulke’s performance this year, it would almost certainly involve the men spinning the women into each other and the whole group ending up in a bruised mess on the ground.
Fortunately, the dance is called the “Reverse of the Curse Reel,” so they’re probably looking for something connected to last year, thereby avoiding the pile of mangled folk dancers that is Keith Foulke’s 2005 season. In fact, last year’s accomplishment is too big to limit to Keith Foulke, as great as he was, so let’s build a dance that will honor the whole squad. Jose set off to actually learn some dance terminology that goes beyond twiddling with the help of www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, June 6
6/6/05 – Sox look for 5 Straight over St. Louis
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. With yesterday’s Red Sox win, Jose’s 2005 record climbed to an impressive 3-0 prompting whispers about whether he might be a dark horse candidate for the All-Star team and questions as to whether his diminished innings in the early part of the season will prevent the woes that led him to pick up losses in his final five appearances of 2004.
While Jose’s record as a patron has been terrific, his record at the Fenway attendance quiz has been the mirror image, as Jose fell to 0-3 yesterday. Jose used to get attendance quizzes right most of the time, not as often as his friend Joel, who claims to have gotten every quiz he has seen right for 15 years, but still often. Also unlike Joel, Jose is not making things up. But lately, Jose just can’t get the job done. Thankfully, Jose has a simple and logical explanation for his futility – the new Red Sox ownership.
Yes, yes, Henry, Werner and Lucchino have won a World Series, expanded Fenway and improve concessions, but what they have done to the attendance quiz is just unconscionable. Yesterday, the official attendance was 35,008. The other final choice in the attendance quiz was 35,067. That’s a difference of 59. Fifty-Nine!!! That’s less than two-tenths of one percent. Tenths of a percent may mean something for interest rates, or stock prices or whatever the heck John Henry deals in, but they mean nothing in attendance quizzes. Nothing!!! Jose believes in high standards, he opposes the soft bigotry of low expectations, but expecting fans to make a distinction that fine in the attendance quiz is setting them up for failure. It is like asking Sox manager Terry Eurona to pick a utility man from a field consisting entirely of Ramon Vasquez and Cesar Crespo. Yes, there is some infinitesimal difference, and one must be better than the other, but the differences are indistinguishable to the naked eye. Whether one is right or wrong is strictly luck.
So here is what Jose proposes, for the next attendance quiz, the Red Sox should offer the following choices:
A. The actual attendance
B. The number of chicken wings Kevin Millar has eaten in the past year
C. Alan Embree’s ERA
D. Johnny Damon’s batting average out to five decimal places.
All of those should be somewhere between 30,000 and 37,000.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. With yesterday’s Red Sox win, Jose’s 2005 record climbed to an impressive 3-0 prompting whispers about whether he might be a dark horse candidate for the All-Star team and questions as to whether his diminished innings in the early part of the season will prevent the woes that led him to pick up losses in his final five appearances of 2004.
While Jose’s record as a patron has been terrific, his record at the Fenway attendance quiz has been the mirror image, as Jose fell to 0-3 yesterday. Jose used to get attendance quizzes right most of the time, not as often as his friend Joel, who claims to have gotten every quiz he has seen right for 15 years, but still often. Also unlike Joel, Jose is not making things up. But lately, Jose just can’t get the job done. Thankfully, Jose has a simple and logical explanation for his futility – the new Red Sox ownership.
Yes, yes, Henry, Werner and Lucchino have won a World Series, expanded Fenway and improve concessions, but what they have done to the attendance quiz is just unconscionable. Yesterday, the official attendance was 35,008. The other final choice in the attendance quiz was 35,067. That’s a difference of 59. Fifty-Nine!!! That’s less than two-tenths of one percent. Tenths of a percent may mean something for interest rates, or stock prices or whatever the heck John Henry deals in, but they mean nothing in attendance quizzes. Nothing!!! Jose believes in high standards, he opposes the soft bigotry of low expectations, but expecting fans to make a distinction that fine in the attendance quiz is setting them up for failure. It is like asking Sox manager Terry Eurona to pick a utility man from a field consisting entirely of Ramon Vasquez and Cesar Crespo. Yes, there is some infinitesimal difference, and one must be better than the other, but the differences are indistinguishable to the naked eye. Whether one is right or wrong is strictly luck.
So here is what Jose proposes, for the next attendance quiz, the Red Sox should offer the following choices:
A. The actual attendance
B. The number of chicken wings Kevin Millar has eaten in the past year
C. Alan Embree’s ERA
D. Johnny Damon’s batting average out to five decimal places.
All of those should be somewhere between 30,000 and 37,000.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Sunday, June 5
6/5/05 – Ohne Umlaut vs. Ohne Chance
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Earlier in the week, Jose sent this very link to a friend of a friend, let’s call her Liz, who works in publishing and had suggested that she might be able to send KEYS on to someone in the company who keeps an eye on blogs as part of a search for literary talent. (Note: Whoops, Jose forgot that when one uses a “let’s call her” one is supposed to make up a name. Nuts.) Then at a barbecue last night Jose got the heartbreaking news. Liz couldn’t understand the KEYS at all. Not the wrestling analogies, not the comic book material and certainly not any of the meager baseball commentary. And it made Jose sad. Not sad because the odds are that his slim chances of being picked up by a mid-major publishing house have dwindled to none. Jose knew that dream was as distant as the Sox winning the Series. (Note: Wait… Crap… Jose might have had a chance.) No, he is sad because of what this revelation says about the state of liberal arts education in America.
This woman went to the same private university as Jose, and yet she came out without even the most rudimentary knowledge of the history of WrestleMania or the differences between the three Green Goblins. Can the curriculum really have changed so much in the two years that separated them? Maybe it’s that Jose was in an interdisciplinary program which combined disciplines like wrestling, television and literature? Sure, she is extremely knowledgeable about literature, Latin and poetry, but can those alone truly compensate for inadequate knowledge about the card at the original SummerSlam? It just speaks to a shocking unevenness in our universities. Jose, hopes, he desperately, desperately, hopes that Boston University’s newly appointed president, Robert Brown takes a serious look at placing more emphasis on baseball, wrestling and comic books in the core curriculum.
But what does all of this have to due with baseball? After all, this is an inaccessible baseball blog, not an inaccessible something else blog. Well, Jose is worried that an improperly balanced education may be endangering the senses of humor of future generations and endangering their ability to come up with suitable bleacher patter. (Note: Did Jose succeed in making a KEY that has nothing to do with baseball about baseball? You make the call!) You know bleacher patter. The ongoing dialogue consisting largely of obscure details that two knowledgeable fans are able to maintain throughout the course of a game with the help of the demon rum. Bleacher patter is completely contingent upon a broad based education.
As Jose’s friend Karl once pointed out upon hearing a fan yell “Hey, ump if you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops,” a good sense of humor (note: and by extension good fandom) is clearly rooted in a classical education. If we do not invest in our young people now, who will be the fans of the future? Who will compare Derek Jeter to Narcissus, or Ellis Burks to Spiderman villain the Lizard? Jose weeps for the future.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Earlier in the week, Jose sent this very link to a friend of a friend, let’s call her Liz, who works in publishing and had suggested that she might be able to send KEYS on to someone in the company who keeps an eye on blogs as part of a search for literary talent. (Note: Whoops, Jose forgot that when one uses a “let’s call her” one is supposed to make up a name. Nuts.) Then at a barbecue last night Jose got the heartbreaking news. Liz couldn’t understand the KEYS at all. Not the wrestling analogies, not the comic book material and certainly not any of the meager baseball commentary. And it made Jose sad. Not sad because the odds are that his slim chances of being picked up by a mid-major publishing house have dwindled to none. Jose knew that dream was as distant as the Sox winning the Series. (Note: Wait… Crap… Jose might have had a chance.) No, he is sad because of what this revelation says about the state of liberal arts education in America.
This woman went to the same private university as Jose, and yet she came out without even the most rudimentary knowledge of the history of WrestleMania or the differences between the three Green Goblins. Can the curriculum really have changed so much in the two years that separated them? Maybe it’s that Jose was in an interdisciplinary program which combined disciplines like wrestling, television and literature? Sure, she is extremely knowledgeable about literature, Latin and poetry, but can those alone truly compensate for inadequate knowledge about the card at the original SummerSlam? It just speaks to a shocking unevenness in our universities. Jose, hopes, he desperately, desperately, hopes that Boston University’s newly appointed president, Robert Brown takes a serious look at placing more emphasis on baseball, wrestling and comic books in the core curriculum.
But what does all of this have to due with baseball? After all, this is an inaccessible baseball blog, not an inaccessible something else blog. Well, Jose is worried that an improperly balanced education may be endangering the senses of humor of future generations and endangering their ability to come up with suitable bleacher patter. (Note: Did Jose succeed in making a KEY that has nothing to do with baseball about baseball? You make the call!) You know bleacher patter. The ongoing dialogue consisting largely of obscure details that two knowledgeable fans are able to maintain throughout the course of a game with the help of the demon rum. Bleacher patter is completely contingent upon a broad based education.
As Jose’s friend Karl once pointed out upon hearing a fan yell “Hey, ump if you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops,” a good sense of humor (note: and by extension good fandom) is clearly rooted in a classical education. If we do not invest in our young people now, who will be the fans of the future? Who will compare Derek Jeter to Narcissus, or Ellis Burks to Spiderman villain the Lizard? Jose weeps for the future.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, June 2
6/2/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. Founder of UPenn
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose fears that his hearing is now what it used to be. Or is it his listening? Either way.
Jose walked past Fenway last night at about nine o’clock after finishing an excellent meal at Brown Sugar Café (note: perhaps the best restaurant relative to price in Boston) and was strolling back to the North End with three friends, one of whom was in town from Baton Rouge. As we walked by the ballpark a cheer went up. Jose paused for a moment and assessed the cacophony. Then he declared “That was a good sign, those were not the sarcastic cheers of fans whose team is way behind. Those were honest, enthusiastic cheers. The Sox are either way ahead, or the game is close.”
When Jose walked a block further his best hopes were confirmed, the scoreboard showed Kelly Shoppach on the Jumbotron. Surely, his insertion into the game proved that the Sox were way ahead.
Then things started to unravel. Jose started thinking that the Sox were only two hours in to the game, and they couldn’t possibly have inserted Shoppach with Wakefield still in the game. Maybe the Sox weren’t up after all? Maybe it wasn’t even close. Then as Jose walked past the bars of Boylston Street, he saw the silhouette of Sidney Ponson’s portly frame on a dozen television screens.
Jose’s concern became denial. As Jose reached Berkley Street and entered a bar, he got his first glimpse of a scoreboard. Boston 3, Baltimore 0. They are ahead! But not by much. Then reality triumphed over hope. Jose’s eyes focused more sharply and a stream of white pixels formed a violent scratch across the zero next to Baltimore. As the zero became a heartbreaking eight, the cold, unpleasant truth of the moment slapped Jose across the face like A-Rod swatting a first baseman’s mitt.
“Eight” thought Jose! “Eight? Chinese lucky number Jose’s *ss.”
And now Jose does not know what to believe. His ears deceived him; his eyes deceived him. But perhaps, Jose is not losing his senses, perhaps the world was just senseless last night. As Jose read the paper the next day, he learned that they were heartfelt cheers that he heard, that the Sox were making a serious push to win the game. And Kelly Shoppach? Shoppach’s appearance was an odd anomaly, the act of a manager who yielded too soon.
No, it was the world that had gone mad, not Jose.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Jose fears that his hearing is now what it used to be. Or is it his listening? Either way.
Jose walked past Fenway last night at about nine o’clock after finishing an excellent meal at Brown Sugar Café (note: perhaps the best restaurant relative to price in Boston) and was strolling back to the North End with three friends, one of whom was in town from Baton Rouge. As we walked by the ballpark a cheer went up. Jose paused for a moment and assessed the cacophony. Then he declared “That was a good sign, those were not the sarcastic cheers of fans whose team is way behind. Those were honest, enthusiastic cheers. The Sox are either way ahead, or the game is close.”
When Jose walked a block further his best hopes were confirmed, the scoreboard showed Kelly Shoppach on the Jumbotron. Surely, his insertion into the game proved that the Sox were way ahead.
Then things started to unravel. Jose started thinking that the Sox were only two hours in to the game, and they couldn’t possibly have inserted Shoppach with Wakefield still in the game. Maybe the Sox weren’t up after all? Maybe it wasn’t even close. Then as Jose walked past the bars of Boylston Street, he saw the silhouette of Sidney Ponson’s portly frame on a dozen television screens.
Jose’s concern became denial. As Jose reached Berkley Street and entered a bar, he got his first glimpse of a scoreboard. Boston 3, Baltimore 0. They are ahead! But not by much. Then reality triumphed over hope. Jose’s eyes focused more sharply and a stream of white pixels formed a violent scratch across the zero next to Baltimore. As the zero became a heartbreaking eight, the cold, unpleasant truth of the moment slapped Jose across the face like A-Rod swatting a first baseman’s mitt.
“Eight” thought Jose! “Eight? Chinese lucky number Jose’s *ss.”
And now Jose does not know what to believe. His ears deceived him; his eyes deceived him. But perhaps, Jose is not losing his senses, perhaps the world was just senseless last night. As Jose read the paper the next day, he learned that they were heartfelt cheers that he heard, that the Sox were making a serious push to win the game. And Kelly Shoppach? Shoppach’s appearance was an odd anomaly, the act of a manager who yielded too soon.
No, it was the world that had gone mad, not Jose.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, June 1
6/1/05 – Wakefield vs. Ponson
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sox manager Terry Eurona removed Johnny Damon from last night’s game after the centerfielder split his head open running into the cold hard steal of the outfield fence. In Jose’s opinion this is an inexcusable managerial failure on Eurona’s part. Yes Damon was bleeding, yes his face was well on its way to becoming the proverbial “crimson mask,” but Damon was prepared to stay in and he should have.
Did King Kong Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan replace him with Big John Studd when Bundy was split open during his cage match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 2? Did the Undertaker’s manager Paul Bearer yank him out of his Hell in a Cell match with Mick Foley when his face was split by iron? No, because both of those men are competitors who wanted to stay in the game, just like Johnny Damon.
There is a reason that baseball and wrestling are the only two sports that use the term “manager” rather than coach. It is because the two sports share a common flow and continuity that other sports lack, and the job of a manager, unlike a coach is to guide his team or wrestler along that flow, like a rafter managing treacherous rapids. A coach cajoles, urges, inspires, but a manager simply manages; he takes the events that come to him and makes adjustments. Eurona has been a very good manager, the best Sox manager of Jose’s lifetime, but last night’s decision was reminiscent of Arnold Skaaland’s decision to throw in the towel when his man, WWF champion Bob Backlund, was locked in the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch. Of course, the Sheik later claimed that he had bribed Skaaland with oriental carpets. So how many carpets did Lee Mazzilli give you last night Tito? How many???
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Sox manager Terry Eurona removed Johnny Damon from last night’s game after the centerfielder split his head open running into the cold hard steal of the outfield fence. In Jose’s opinion this is an inexcusable managerial failure on Eurona’s part. Yes Damon was bleeding, yes his face was well on its way to becoming the proverbial “crimson mask,” but Damon was prepared to stay in and he should have.
Did King Kong Bundy’s manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan replace him with Big John Studd when Bundy was split open during his cage match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 2? Did the Undertaker’s manager Paul Bearer yank him out of his Hell in a Cell match with Mick Foley when his face was split by iron? No, because both of those men are competitors who wanted to stay in the game, just like Johnny Damon.
There is a reason that baseball and wrestling are the only two sports that use the term “manager” rather than coach. It is because the two sports share a common flow and continuity that other sports lack, and the job of a manager, unlike a coach is to guide his team or wrestler along that flow, like a rafter managing treacherous rapids. A coach cajoles, urges, inspires, but a manager simply manages; he takes the events that come to him and makes adjustments. Eurona has been a very good manager, the best Sox manager of Jose’s lifetime, but last night’s decision was reminiscent of Arnold Skaaland’s decision to throw in the towel when his man, WWF champion Bob Backlund, was locked in the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch. Of course, the Sheik later claimed that he had bribed Skaaland with oriental carpets. So how many carpets did Lee Mazzilli give you last night Tito? How many???
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 31
5/31/05 – Miller vs. Cabrera
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. For the second straight year, the Boston Red Sox did their absolute best to ruin Jose’s drive home at the end of Memorial Day weekend with a horrific and boring loss to the Baltimore Orioles. (Note: Jose would like to remind the Red Sox that laying down their bats is not an appropriate tribute to our war heroes.) But never let it be said that Jose doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Much like Dale Sveum… wait… bad example… much like George Steinbrenner… no… that one doesn’t work either. Much like Theo Epstein, Jose will not make the same mistakes a second time.
Mistake number one: Jose went to the Cape last year, thereby forcing him to sit in endless bridge traffic during the game. This year Jose vacationed safely on the mainland side of the bridge… in Quincy. Ha ha!!! No Jose, made it a little further than that, but still well to the West of the Cape Cod Canal.
Mistake number two: Last year, Jose left at game time, resulting in the game playing a decisive role in determining whether the three hour trip would be tolerable. This year, Jose left an hour before game time and arrived at home a mere 15 minutes after first pitch, far before the game got out of hand.
Mistake number three: Last year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence, that Megatron Lowe was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. This year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence that Balki Arroyo was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. As a result…wait… crap… that’s not any different at all.
Apparently, Jose learned nothing. On the plus side, he looks forward to Arroyo duplicating DLowe’s postseason heroics this Fall.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. For the second straight year, the Boston Red Sox did their absolute best to ruin Jose’s drive home at the end of Memorial Day weekend with a horrific and boring loss to the Baltimore Orioles. (Note: Jose would like to remind the Red Sox that laying down their bats is not an appropriate tribute to our war heroes.) But never let it be said that Jose doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Much like Dale Sveum… wait… bad example… much like George Steinbrenner… no… that one doesn’t work either. Much like Theo Epstein, Jose will not make the same mistakes a second time.
Mistake number one: Jose went to the Cape last year, thereby forcing him to sit in endless bridge traffic during the game. This year Jose vacationed safely on the mainland side of the bridge… in Quincy. Ha ha!!! No Jose, made it a little further than that, but still well to the West of the Cape Cod Canal.
Mistake number two: Last year, Jose left at game time, resulting in the game playing a decisive role in determining whether the three hour trip would be tolerable. This year, Jose left an hour before game time and arrived at home a mere 15 minutes after first pitch, far before the game got out of hand.
Mistake number three: Last year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence, that Megatron Lowe was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. This year, Jose allowed himself to believe, based on past excellence that Balki Arroyo was a first rate, front line starter, and therefore that a game he started would at least be competitive. As a result…wait… crap… that’s not any different at all.
Apparently, Jose learned nothing. On the plus side, he looks forward to Arroyo duplicating DLowe’s postseason heroics this Fall.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Sunday, May 29
5/29/05 – Malign Fatty Tumor vs. It’s Not a Tumor
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Well, that’s more like it. After dropping four straight games in terrible performances, the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX finally showed some spark yesterday, absolutely dismantling the Yankees 17-1. Shockingly, the absolute best characterization of the days events came in the headline to a Tony Castrati story that read “Pavano no stranger to disastrous routs.” That’s terrific. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. (Note: Jose would like to remind everyone, at this time, that reporters, as they always tell us, do not write the headlines. So Tony Castrati gets no credit. NONE!!!!)
Of course, Castrati concluded the story with the highly scientific observation that the last time Pavano took a pummeling of this sort at the hands of the Red Sox, his team went on to win the World Series, implying that this may well happen again. Jose would like to address this specious reasoning in the style of Lisa Simpson. Tony, Jose has a rock in his pocket that keeps tigers away. How do you know it keeps Tigers away? Jose doesn’t see any Tigers around him and he doesn’t even have an y Sox Tigers tickets for this year. Therefore it must keep Tigers away. It’s exactly the same as your Pavano Principle. So how about it Tony? Five hundred dollars.
But the real story was that the Red Sox yesterday were like Frankenstein’s Monster, remarkably coming to life and in anger and disorientation absolutely trashing the room and everything in their path. Now that the World Champs have been unleashed on an unsuspecting world, we need only hope that the Yankees don’t realize that we’re afraid of fire.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Well, that’s more like it. After dropping four straight games in terrible performances, the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX finally showed some spark yesterday, absolutely dismantling the Yankees 17-1. Shockingly, the absolute best characterization of the days events came in the headline to a Tony Castrati story that read “Pavano no stranger to disastrous routs.” That’s terrific. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. (Note: Jose would like to remind everyone, at this time, that reporters, as they always tell us, do not write the headlines. So Tony Castrati gets no credit. NONE!!!!)
Of course, Castrati concluded the story with the highly scientific observation that the last time Pavano took a pummeling of this sort at the hands of the Red Sox, his team went on to win the World Series, implying that this may well happen again. Jose would like to address this specious reasoning in the style of Lisa Simpson. Tony, Jose has a rock in his pocket that keeps tigers away. How do you know it keeps Tigers away? Jose doesn’t see any Tigers around him and he doesn’t even have an y Sox Tigers tickets for this year. Therefore it must keep Tigers away. It’s exactly the same as your Pavano Principle. So how about it Tony? Five hundred dollars.
But the real story was that the Red Sox yesterday were like Frankenstein’s Monster, remarkably coming to life and in anger and disorientation absolutely trashing the room and everything in their path. Now that the World Champs have been unleashed on an unsuspecting world, we need only hope that the Yankees don’t realize that we’re afraid of fire.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, May 28
5/28/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Pavano
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. After he single handedly killed the Red Sox by getting two runners thrown out at home in the sixth inning last night, it is clear that third base coach Dale Sveum needs to be sent down to work on his fundamentals. But given the level of his performance last night, Jose thinks that Sveum is not performing well enough for Triple A, Double A or even Single A ball. Jose thinks he should be sent down to some pre school to work on playing red light/green light with pre schoolers. Hopefully, that would teach him that there are times when you should go, and times when you should stop. Jose’s fear is that this is what a game of Red Light/Green Light called by Dale Sveum would look like:
SVEUM: Okay kids, ready… Green light……….
(Sound of children running into the wall.)
Actually, we should be happy that he’s a third base coach. Imagine if he was a crossing guard, there would be kids splattered all over the crosswalk. (Note: Yes this is a variation on the famous Sveum, or was in Wendall Kim, as air traffic controller joke, but it still works.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. After he single handedly killed the Red Sox by getting two runners thrown out at home in the sixth inning last night, it is clear that third base coach Dale Sveum needs to be sent down to work on his fundamentals. But given the level of his performance last night, Jose thinks that Sveum is not performing well enough for Triple A, Double A or even Single A ball. Jose thinks he should be sent down to some pre school to work on playing red light/green light with pre schoolers. Hopefully, that would teach him that there are times when you should go, and times when you should stop. Jose’s fear is that this is what a game of Red Light/Green Light called by Dale Sveum would look like:
SVEUM: Okay kids, ready… Green light……….
(Sound of children running into the wall.)
Actually, we should be happy that he’s a third base coach. Imagine if he was a crossing guard, there would be kids splattered all over the crosswalk. (Note: Yes this is a variation on the famous Sveum, or was in Wendall Kim, as air traffic controller joke, but it still works.)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 27
5/27/05 -- The Charge of the Red Brigade
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. These are desperate times friends, desperate times indeed. Ad in these times of anguish and uncertainty, it is helpful to recall that we Red Sox fans have a glorious past.
So in these dark days, we honor those who came before us, honor their sacrifices, honor their glories. So Jose Melendez is proud to present, in blatant rip off of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, the following poem.
The Charge of the Red Brigade
Two and three, two and three,
Two and three behind,
All in the filth of the Bronx
Strode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Grab for the bats!" he said:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Was Ramirez dismay'd?Not tho' Francona knewThey fought to survive:Their's not to make reply,Their's not to run and slide,Their's but to hit a fly:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees in front of themFailed to strive;Storm'd at with bats and balls,Fighting the bad umps’ calls,Into the filth of the Bronx,Hitting the ball off walls,Strode the twenty five.
Boldly they took a swing,Bidding for champion’s ring,Yankees can’t do a thing,Battling an empire, whileTrying to survive:Plunged in electric lightYankees in left and right;A-Rod and JeterReel'd from baseball’s flightThe Red Sox are alive.Then they strode back, for e’re’r “the twenty five.”
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees behind them Failed to strive;
Swinging deep for the walls,
Pitchers that throw no ballsErasing prior Falls,Came back from three to none,
Earning their curtain calls
All that was left of them,
Was “the twenty five.”
When can their glory fade?O the wild games they played!All the world alive.Honor the way they played,Honor the Red Brigade,Noble twenty five.
1. These are desperate times friends, desperate times indeed. Ad in these times of anguish and uncertainty, it is helpful to recall that we Red Sox fans have a glorious past.
So in these dark days, we honor those who came before us, honor their sacrifices, honor their glories. So Jose Melendez is proud to present, in blatant rip off of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, the following poem.
The Charge of the Red Brigade
Two and three, two and three,
Two and three behind,
All in the filth of the Bronx
Strode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Grab for the bats!" he said:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
"Forward, the Red Brigade!"Was Ramirez dismay'd?Not tho' Francona knewThey fought to survive:Their's not to make reply,Their's not to run and slide,Their's but to hit a fly:Into the filth of the BronxStrode the twenty five.
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees in front of themFailed to strive;Storm'd at with bats and balls,Fighting the bad umps’ calls,Into the filth of the Bronx,Hitting the ball off walls,Strode the twenty five.
Boldly they took a swing,Bidding for champion’s ring,Yankees can’t do a thing,Battling an empire, whileTrying to survive:Plunged in electric lightYankees in left and right;A-Rod and JeterReel'd from baseball’s flightThe Red Sox are alive.Then they strode back, for e’re’r “the twenty five.”
Yankees to right of them,Yankees to left of them,Yankees behind them Failed to strive;
Swinging deep for the walls,
Pitchers that throw no ballsErasing prior Falls,Came back from three to none,
Earning their curtain calls
All that was left of them,
Was “the twenty five.”
When can their glory fade?O the wild games they played!All the world alive.Honor the way they played,Honor the Red Brigade,Noble twenty five.
Thursday, May 26
5/26/05 - Miller vs. Oh... Who Cares
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose is mailing it in today, and even that seems like way too much effort, as all he has are 34 cent stamps. Seriously, where are the f*cking 3 cent stamps. Why shouldn’t he? If the Red Sox can do it, so can Red Sox bloggers. No, it’s not fair to you the fans, and it’s not right, but that’s how it is.
It’s raining, it’s miserable and the Sox loss last night was boring and gutless. So Jose has only two choices, write an angry rant or go to the post office. It’s just no fun to write KEYS when the Sox are playing like this, and it’s probably even less fun to read them.
One might ask, why, in this situation, Jose bothers to write KEYS at all? Why not take the day off and go sulk in corner or relax with a bottle of scotch?
Why? Because Jose has an obligation to post something… anything… every day he possibly can for his readers, his fans and even his detractors. But does Jose have an obligation to try? In the words of Bart Simpson, Jose “can’t promise he’ll try, but he’ll try to try.” It’s like asking why the Red Sox bothered showing up on a night like last night when it was clear that none of them had even the slightest intention of working. You do it because you have to and then muddle through.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Jose is mailing it in today, and even that seems like way too much effort, as all he has are 34 cent stamps. Seriously, where are the f*cking 3 cent stamps. Why shouldn’t he? If the Red Sox can do it, so can Red Sox bloggers. No, it’s not fair to you the fans, and it’s not right, but that’s how it is.
It’s raining, it’s miserable and the Sox loss last night was boring and gutless. So Jose has only two choices, write an angry rant or go to the post office. It’s just no fun to write KEYS when the Sox are playing like this, and it’s probably even less fun to read them.
One might ask, why, in this situation, Jose bothers to write KEYS at all? Why not take the day off and go sulk in corner or relax with a bottle of scotch?
Why? Because Jose has an obligation to post something… anything… every day he possibly can for his readers, his fans and even his detractors. But does Jose have an obligation to try? In the words of Bart Simpson, Jose “can’t promise he’ll try, but he’ll try to try.” It’s like asking why the Red Sox bothered showing up on a night like last night when it was clear that none of them had even the slightest intention of working. You do it because you have to and then muddle through.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, May 25
5/25/05 -- Balki Returns
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
According to the New York Daily News, Yankees liability Alex Rodriguez has been seeing not one but two and occasionally three psychotherapists. This is a tricky issue for Jose. On the one hand, the mentally ill should not be ridiculed. Jose has seen any number of people he cares about struggle with mental illness, and he understands fully that it is no different than a physical condition. Moreover, Rodriguez’s donation of $200,000 to a mental health program for children is downright admirable. On the other hand, A-Rod, as a rule, should be ridiculed for pretty much anything he does. So, as you can see, this puts Jose in quite the bind.
So here is Jose’s plan. First, Jose offers public congratulations to A-Rod on supporting mental health programs. Congratulations Alex!!! Second, Jose condemns A-Rod for going public with news of his therapy. Jose is all for taking the stigma out of mental illness, but does attaching A-Rod’s name to it really help? Across the country scenes like this are likely unfolding.
Husband: Honey, we need to talk... I’m in therapy to deal with some problems.
Wife: WHAT??? Therapy! What the hell kind of person are you? I used to think therapy was okay, but now that I know A-Rod goes, I think it is only for cheaters, divas and men with strange bluish lips.
See… Jose knows you were trying to do something positive, just like when you slapped Arroyo, but once again your effort will do the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
And to get in one last cheap shot, Jose doesn’t know specifically what disorder, if any, A-Rod is being treated for, but there are reports that he spent his last off day staring into his reflection in a pond for about 20 hours. You Greek scholars should be able to connect the dots from there.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com.
According to the New York Daily News, Yankees liability Alex Rodriguez has been seeing not one but two and occasionally three psychotherapists. This is a tricky issue for Jose. On the one hand, the mentally ill should not be ridiculed. Jose has seen any number of people he cares about struggle with mental illness, and he understands fully that it is no different than a physical condition. Moreover, Rodriguez’s donation of $200,000 to a mental health program for children is downright admirable. On the other hand, A-Rod, as a rule, should be ridiculed for pretty much anything he does. So, as you can see, this puts Jose in quite the bind.
So here is Jose’s plan. First, Jose offers public congratulations to A-Rod on supporting mental health programs. Congratulations Alex!!! Second, Jose condemns A-Rod for going public with news of his therapy. Jose is all for taking the stigma out of mental illness, but does attaching A-Rod’s name to it really help? Across the country scenes like this are likely unfolding.
Husband: Honey, we need to talk... I’m in therapy to deal with some problems.
Wife: WHAT??? Therapy! What the hell kind of person are you? I used to think therapy was okay, but now that I know A-Rod goes, I think it is only for cheaters, divas and men with strange bluish lips.
See… Jose knows you were trying to do something positive, just like when you slapped Arroyo, but once again your effort will do the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
And to get in one last cheap shot, Jose doesn’t know specifically what disorder, if any, A-Rod is being treated for, but there are reports that he spent his last off day staring into his reflection in a pond for about 20 hours. You Greek scholars should be able to connect the dots from there.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Tuesday, May 24
5/24/05 – It’s Not a Tumor vs. Bush
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose attended a Sons of Sam Horn lunch in the Back Bay yesterday with a few stalwarts from the organization. When Jose introduced himself, one attendee said “Jose Melendez of the always clever KEYS TO THE GAME.”
Jose and another attendee replied at the same time “Not always clever.”
And, it’s true. The KEYS are not always clever; they are not always funny, nor does Jose expect that they will ever be so. All Jose’s hopes for is to be known as the author of the “often clever KEYS TO THE GAME.” And frankly, these days he would settle for being the author of the “occasionally clever KEYS,” because Jose is struggling.
There has been a lot of talk early in the season about why Jose can’t find last year’s form. Clearly, he’s typing slower than last year, his syntax is a little bit off and he’s going to the Tony Castrati bit a little more often than he should.
Everyone has their theories. Maybe Jose can’t take the pressure any more. Maybe he’s distracted by domestic problems. (Note to the Melendezette: Jose is not distracted by domestic problems.) Maybe he’s just not used to the cold weather. Maybe he’s getting too much work. Maybe he’s not getting enough work.
Some people have even suggested letting Matt Mantei write KEYS for a while.
To this Jose says “FEH!!!” Jose is not the problem here. No, no. Jose is never the problem. If Jose has learned anything from watching George Steinbrenner and Donald Rumsfeld, it is that he is not the problem, or to paraphrase an excellent button “Jose’s okay. You’re a sh*thead.”
So Jose’s official, pass the buck explanation is that this team is simply not funny enough. They traded the hysterical, handshaking OC for the shy, retiring ER. The replaced a Yoda mask wearing pitcher with a fat tub of goo… And they did this in a year where there was a Star Wars movie coming out. Acquiring Wells would have been fine if they were re-releasing The Blob or making Daniel Pinkwater’s Fat Men from Space into a movie, but they’re not. See. Context matters.
So the Sox need to make some moves to get funnier, and if this means reacquiring Ricky Henderson, so be it. Because it’s not Jose’s fault. If you need to boo someone, boo Kevin Millar instead.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose attended a Sons of Sam Horn lunch in the Back Bay yesterday with a few stalwarts from the organization. When Jose introduced himself, one attendee said “Jose Melendez of the always clever KEYS TO THE GAME.”
Jose and another attendee replied at the same time “Not always clever.”
And, it’s true. The KEYS are not always clever; they are not always funny, nor does Jose expect that they will ever be so. All Jose’s hopes for is to be known as the author of the “often clever KEYS TO THE GAME.” And frankly, these days he would settle for being the author of the “occasionally clever KEYS,” because Jose is struggling.
There has been a lot of talk early in the season about why Jose can’t find last year’s form. Clearly, he’s typing slower than last year, his syntax is a little bit off and he’s going to the Tony Castrati bit a little more often than he should.
Everyone has their theories. Maybe Jose can’t take the pressure any more. Maybe he’s distracted by domestic problems. (Note to the Melendezette: Jose is not distracted by domestic problems.) Maybe he’s just not used to the cold weather. Maybe he’s getting too much work. Maybe he’s not getting enough work.
Some people have even suggested letting Matt Mantei write KEYS for a while.
To this Jose says “FEH!!!” Jose is not the problem here. No, no. Jose is never the problem. If Jose has learned anything from watching George Steinbrenner and Donald Rumsfeld, it is that he is not the problem, or to paraphrase an excellent button “Jose’s okay. You’re a sh*thead.”
So Jose’s official, pass the buck explanation is that this team is simply not funny enough. They traded the hysterical, handshaking OC for the shy, retiring ER. The replaced a Yoda mask wearing pitcher with a fat tub of goo… And they did this in a year where there was a Star Wars movie coming out. Acquiring Wells would have been fine if they were re-releasing The Blob or making Daniel Pinkwater’s Fat Men from Space into a movie, but they’re not. See. Context matters.
So the Sox need to make some moves to get funnier, and if this means reacquiring Ricky Henderson, so be it. Because it’s not Jose’s fault. If you need to boo someone, boo Kevin Millar instead.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Sunday, May 22
5/22/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Smoltz
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose missed most of last night’s game when he took the Melendezette to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Still, the evening was not without baseball value, as Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino has often compared the New York Yankees to the Empire from Star Wars.
After careful review and analysis, Jose finds this analogy lacking. Let’s think about this analytically.
The Emperor executed a plan to seize power over the course of 15 years. The Yankees plan changes depending on Steinbrenner’s mood on any given day.
There can only be two Sith lords and any given time. The Yankees can only have one Boss… and he’s crazy. (Note: So if the Yankees motto is “There can be only one” the correct sci-fi analogy is really Highlander.)
The empire has an army of clones at it’s disposal. Actually, this one is sort of similar, as the Yankees will soon be composed almost completely of Raul Mondesi and Kevin Brown clones.
The point is that the Empire was this well-organized, smooth functioning machinery of evil, whereas the New York Yankees are this clunking inefficient machinery of evil held together with tape and $100 bills. To put in another way, if George Steinbrenner ran the empire, they’d probably end up getting their butts whooped by some teddy bears in the forest… oh… so maybe the Yankees are like the Empire after all.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose missed most of last night’s game when he took the Melendezette to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Still, the evening was not without baseball value, as Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino has often compared the New York Yankees to the Empire from Star Wars.
After careful review and analysis, Jose finds this analogy lacking. Let’s think about this analytically.
The Emperor executed a plan to seize power over the course of 15 years. The Yankees plan changes depending on Steinbrenner’s mood on any given day.
There can only be two Sith lords and any given time. The Yankees can only have one Boss… and he’s crazy. (Note: So if the Yankees motto is “There can be only one” the correct sci-fi analogy is really Highlander.)
The empire has an army of clones at it’s disposal. Actually, this one is sort of similar, as the Yankees will soon be composed almost completely of Raul Mondesi and Kevin Brown clones.
The point is that the Empire was this well-organized, smooth functioning machinery of evil, whereas the New York Yankees are this clunking inefficient machinery of evil held together with tape and $100 bills. To put in another way, if George Steinbrenner ran the empire, they’d probably end up getting their butts whooped by some teddy bears in the forest… oh… so maybe the Yankees are like the Empire after all.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, May 21
5/21/05 Wafefield vs. Davies
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
"Suspended" Sox hurler Balki Arroyo escaped from the asylum or a few hours yesterday to visit with fellow suspendee Zack Alves. Alves, a student in Norton, Massachusetts, was suspended for imitating Arroyo, not by throwing at batters, but by styling his hair in dreadlocks. In Jose’s opinion, this is outrageous. Alves should never have been suspended for imitating Arroyo, as he had dreadlocks, whereas anyone with even the slightest understanding of hair styling knows that Arroyo had cornrows.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
"Suspended" Sox hurler Balki Arroyo escaped from the asylum or a few hours yesterday to visit with fellow suspendee Zack Alves. Alves, a student in Norton, Massachusetts, was suspended for imitating Arroyo, not by throwing at batters, but by styling his hair in dreadlocks. In Jose’s opinion, this is outrageous. Alves should never have been suspended for imitating Arroyo, as he had dreadlocks, whereas anyone with even the slightest understanding of hair styling knows that Arroyo had cornrows.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 20
4/20/05 -- Shark vs. Bear
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose had a cyst removed from his right leg yesterday. It was thoroughly unpleasant, and he wasn’t really expecting it. Jose went in assuming that the doctor would simply say "Ah yes, you have a cyst, let’s make an appointment to do something about it" and then send Jose on his way. Jose had lived with the thing for ten years, he could have waited a few more weeks. But the doctor went right to work cutting it squeezing it and pulling it out of Jose’s leg. It was sort of like watching Gaylord Perry handle a baseball. So now, the thing gets sent off for a biopsy to find out exactly what it is. Is it a green pussy infection or a collection of disgusting, useless fatty cells? In other words Jose needs to wait to find out if he had Eric Byrnes in his leg or David Wells. By the way, if anyone was even considering worrying about Jose don’t. There was no chance that he had Jose Offerman of the leg – in other words no cancer.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose had a cyst removed from his right leg yesterday. It was thoroughly unpleasant, and he wasn’t really expecting it. Jose went in assuming that the doctor would simply say "Ah yes, you have a cyst, let’s make an appointment to do something about it" and then send Jose on his way. Jose had lived with the thing for ten years, he could have waited a few more weeks. But the doctor went right to work cutting it squeezing it and pulling it out of Jose’s leg. It was sort of like watching Gaylord Perry handle a baseball. So now, the thing gets sent off for a biopsy to find out exactly what it is. Is it a green pussy infection or a collection of disgusting, useless fatty cells? In other words Jose needs to wait to find out if he had Eric Byrnes in his leg or David Wells. By the way, if anyone was even considering worrying about Jose don’t. There was no chance that he had Jose Offerman of the leg – in other words no cancer.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, May 18
5/18/05 -- Revenge of Wells
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yes, yes, Jose knows the game has already started, but who knew it was a day game? Clearly not Jose.
Jose is not completely sure, but there is some evidence that Balki Arroyo will spend the next six days in a psychiatric ward. According to Sox manager Terry Eurona, “This is a forced vacation.” Jose knows that the official line is that Arroyo was suspended, but that always seemed a little absurd. Arroyo protects teammates from brutal plunking and he gets the suspension? Right. Let’s be honest, a mental institution seems like a far more logical explanation. And what else could “forced vacation” mean?
Jose’s only concern is that they may give him a lobotomy while he’s in there. Jose is pretty sure Mark Bellhorn used to be all chirpy and smiley until he got “suspended.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Yes, yes, Jose knows the game has already started, but who knew it was a day game? Clearly not Jose.
Jose is not completely sure, but there is some evidence that Balki Arroyo will spend the next six days in a psychiatric ward. According to Sox manager Terry Eurona, “This is a forced vacation.” Jose knows that the official line is that Arroyo was suspended, but that always seemed a little absurd. Arroyo protects teammates from brutal plunking and he gets the suspension? Right. Let’s be honest, a mental institution seems like a far more logical explanation. And what else could “forced vacation” mean?
Jose’s only concern is that they may give him a lobotomy while he’s in there. Jose is pretty sure Mark Bellhorn used to be all chirpy and smiley until he got “suspended.”
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 17
5/17/04 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Zito
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose would like to come clean about something. Last year, he claimed that the Melendezette had taught him to taunt Ichiro with Japanese language shouts of “Hey Ichiro, your mom is hot.”
This is not true. It is no more true than Pudge Rodriguez being the Most Valuable Player in 1999 or Titanic being the best film of 1997. It is may be even less true. Those things at least have a little trophy vouching for the lie. Jose’s got nothing. What Jose should have said is that the Melendezette TRIED to teach him to say that. She tried, but much like Trot Nixon when it comes to left handed pitching, Jose just can’t learn. Jose’s actual Japanese ability is limited to saying “watashi wa beeru o nomemasu” -- I drink beer. This statement is not a lie, but it is a mediocre taunt at best.
Jose should have come clean about this sooner, especially since the Sox are now done with Seattle for the year, but this is better than never… marginally. Besides, as it turns out, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had taunted Ichiro on his mom’s hotness anyway. Ichiro wouldn’t have understood it.
Last weekend, Jose hosted two guests from Japan, his best friend from when he was eight years old, who he had not seen in 14 years, and his friend’s wife. Since the Sox were playing Seattle last weekend and Jose’s friend is a big baseball fan, Jose regaled him with stories of his alleged taunt of Ichiro. His friend did not understand at all, and with good reason. First, what the Melendezette had tried to teach Jose means “Hey Ichiro your mom is cool” rather than hot. (Note: The Melendezette told Jose this at the time, but he didn’t want to hear it… he wasn’t going to say it anyway, so what difference did it make?) Second, it simply did not make any sense in that context to a Japanese person. Why would you say someone’s mother was attractive if you had never met her? If you had met her and she was hot, why would this be an insult? Even after an extremely lengthy explanation of the American tradition of insulting someone by remarking on the attractiveness of his mother, he still found it incomprehensible.
“He would not have understood,” Jose’s friend responded with certainty.
Apparently, the Japanese lack our rich cultural heritage of mother jokes. It’s a shame. Instead, they must settle for kabuki, chanoyu and pachinko.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose would like to come clean about something. Last year, he claimed that the Melendezette had taught him to taunt Ichiro with Japanese language shouts of “Hey Ichiro, your mom is hot.”
This is not true. It is no more true than Pudge Rodriguez being the Most Valuable Player in 1999 or Titanic being the best film of 1997. It is may be even less true. Those things at least have a little trophy vouching for the lie. Jose’s got nothing. What Jose should have said is that the Melendezette TRIED to teach him to say that. She tried, but much like Trot Nixon when it comes to left handed pitching, Jose just can’t learn. Jose’s actual Japanese ability is limited to saying “watashi wa beeru o nomemasu” -- I drink beer. This statement is not a lie, but it is a mediocre taunt at best.
Jose should have come clean about this sooner, especially since the Sox are now done with Seattle for the year, but this is better than never… marginally. Besides, as it turns out, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had taunted Ichiro on his mom’s hotness anyway. Ichiro wouldn’t have understood it.
Last weekend, Jose hosted two guests from Japan, his best friend from when he was eight years old, who he had not seen in 14 years, and his friend’s wife. Since the Sox were playing Seattle last weekend and Jose’s friend is a big baseball fan, Jose regaled him with stories of his alleged taunt of Ichiro. His friend did not understand at all, and with good reason. First, what the Melendezette had tried to teach Jose means “Hey Ichiro your mom is cool” rather than hot. (Note: The Melendezette told Jose this at the time, but he didn’t want to hear it… he wasn’t going to say it anyway, so what difference did it make?) Second, it simply did not make any sense in that context to a Japanese person. Why would you say someone’s mother was attractive if you had never met her? If you had met her and she was hot, why would this be an insult? Even after an extremely lengthy explanation of the American tradition of insulting someone by remarking on the attractiveness of his mother, he still found it incomprehensible.
“He would not have understood,” Jose’s friend responded with certainty.
Apparently, the Japanese lack our rich cultural heritage of mother jokes. It’s a shame. Instead, they must settle for kabuki, chanoyu and pachinko.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, May 16
5/16/05 – Balki vs. Saaaaarloooos
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose would like to formally apologize to Manny Ramirez. On Friday Jose did a joke about Manny’s mom being ashamed of his fielding, and then, almost immediately, it came out that his mom is sick. Having a sick parent is nothing to joke about, so let Jose be clear.
Manny, Jose is sorry. He wants you to know that that joke was about you, not your mom. And he wishes her a full and speedy recovery
However, Jose doesn’t feel like everyone shares his concern. The news that Manny has been distracted by his mother’s illness, an illness he could not remember the name of, set off some rather unsettling speculation that Manny might be using family problems as an excuse. It even resurrected old rumors that Manny may have lied about his grandmother passing away to get out of a few games before the All-Star break a few years ago. Jose will never ever go there. As a lesson from the life of his mother taught him to know better.
In her youth, Jose’s mother went on a date with an assistant professor or teaching fellow or some such thing, and he told her that when he had given an exam that week, 10 students were absent claiming that a grandmother had died.
“Why didn’t you call them on it?” asked Jose’s mother.
“Because what if someone’s grandmother really had died?” the professor replied.
Next week Jose’s mother had to cancel their second date because her grandmother really did die.
So that’s the question: What if Manny’s grandmother really did die? What if his mother really is sick?
Unless there is concrete proof that he is lying, all insinuations should just stop. It’s mean and it’s wrong. Now let’s move on to speculating about Tony Castrati’s recent unexplained absence.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose would like to formally apologize to Manny Ramirez. On Friday Jose did a joke about Manny’s mom being ashamed of his fielding, and then, almost immediately, it came out that his mom is sick. Having a sick parent is nothing to joke about, so let Jose be clear.
Manny, Jose is sorry. He wants you to know that that joke was about you, not your mom. And he wishes her a full and speedy recovery
However, Jose doesn’t feel like everyone shares his concern. The news that Manny has been distracted by his mother’s illness, an illness he could not remember the name of, set off some rather unsettling speculation that Manny might be using family problems as an excuse. It even resurrected old rumors that Manny may have lied about his grandmother passing away to get out of a few games before the All-Star break a few years ago. Jose will never ever go there. As a lesson from the life of his mother taught him to know better.
In her youth, Jose’s mother went on a date with an assistant professor or teaching fellow or some such thing, and he told her that when he had given an exam that week, 10 students were absent claiming that a grandmother had died.
“Why didn’t you call them on it?” asked Jose’s mother.
“Because what if someone’s grandmother really had died?” the professor replied.
Next week Jose’s mother had to cancel their second date because her grandmother really did die.
So that’s the question: What if Manny’s grandmother really did die? What if his mother really is sick?
Unless there is concrete proof that he is lying, all insinuations should just stop. It’s mean and it’s wrong. Now let’s move on to speculating about Tony Castrati’s recent unexplained absence.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 13
5/13/05 -- Gonzales vs. Piniero
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. People are angry and happy at the same time. People are happy that the Red Sox got their second win on a walk off homer in two days when Jason Varitek took Octavio Dotel deep. People are angry that Keith Foulke blew a three run lead in the ninth to make the comeback necessary. People are angrier still, that Foulke got a win as the reward for his failure.
This is a basic matter of equity. Jose is a big fan of Foulke, but when a reliever blows a save and picks up a win, it looks to Jose like when a CEO drives a company into the ground and then picks up a $20 million severance package or when Steve Avery gets his 18th start to pick up an extension after 17 lousy starts. It is unjust, it is larcenous, it is wrong. (Note: Jose knows it probably wasn’t 18 starts that Avery needed, he just doesn’t want to look it up because he feels strongly that any minute spent contemplating Steve Avery’s Red Sox career is also unjust, larcenous and wrong.)
So Jose has a modest proposal. From now on, any time a reliever blows a save but would, under current rules, be scheduled to pick up a win, he should not get the win. See isn’t that more just already? The way Jose sees it this would be an advancement in the annals of justice on par with the Code of Hammurabi or the appointment of Judge Wapner to the bench. (Note: Is Wapner still alive? If so, can we put him on a federal appeals court? No one could filibuster that.) But Jose’s proposal gets even better.
Instead of going to the imploding reliever, the win should be credited to Bob Stanley. Why not? Stanley raised win stealing to an art form, and this new policy would ensure that Steamer, currently stuck on 97 career wins, would reach triple digits. Of course, many “statisticians” may find the idea of giving wins to a pitcher who has been retired for 16 years objectionable. So let Jose offer a backup plan as well. Perhaps we can create a new statistic for a win recorder by a pitcher after blowing a save – we’ll call it the “stanley.” And Keith Foulke is free to pick up as many stanleys as he wants as long as the Red Sox don’t pick up an L. (Note: Or would it be stanlies? What about an abbreviation? STN?)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. People are angry and happy at the same time. People are happy that the Red Sox got their second win on a walk off homer in two days when Jason Varitek took Octavio Dotel deep. People are angry that Keith Foulke blew a three run lead in the ninth to make the comeback necessary. People are angrier still, that Foulke got a win as the reward for his failure.
This is a basic matter of equity. Jose is a big fan of Foulke, but when a reliever blows a save and picks up a win, it looks to Jose like when a CEO drives a company into the ground and then picks up a $20 million severance package or when Steve Avery gets his 18th start to pick up an extension after 17 lousy starts. It is unjust, it is larcenous, it is wrong. (Note: Jose knows it probably wasn’t 18 starts that Avery needed, he just doesn’t want to look it up because he feels strongly that any minute spent contemplating Steve Avery’s Red Sox career is also unjust, larcenous and wrong.)
So Jose has a modest proposal. From now on, any time a reliever blows a save but would, under current rules, be scheduled to pick up a win, he should not get the win. See isn’t that more just already? The way Jose sees it this would be an advancement in the annals of justice on par with the Code of Hammurabi or the appointment of Judge Wapner to the bench. (Note: Is Wapner still alive? If so, can we put him on a federal appeals court? No one could filibuster that.) But Jose’s proposal gets even better.
Instead of going to the imploding reliever, the win should be credited to Bob Stanley. Why not? Stanley raised win stealing to an art form, and this new policy would ensure that Steamer, currently stuck on 97 career wins, would reach triple digits. Of course, many “statisticians” may find the idea of giving wins to a pitcher who has been retired for 16 years objectionable. So let Jose offer a backup plan as well. Perhaps we can create a new statistic for a win recorder by a pitcher after blowing a save – we’ll call it the “stanley.” And Keith Foulke is free to pick up as many stanleys as he wants as long as the Red Sox don’t pick up an L. (Note: Or would it be stanlies? What about an abbreviation? STN?)
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, May 11
5/11/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. The Big One
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose was all set to beat up Kevin Millar in this space. He was ready to absolutely brutalize the guy. He was going to do one of those cutesy open letters to the defensively challenged first baseman. Jose had it all planned out it was going to have some snappy lead like:
But then Millar went ahead and hit a game winning homer while Jose was out taking an evening constitutional with the Melendezette… thereby ruing Jose’s best laid plans.But that’s okay. This is better.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose was all set to beat up Kevin Millar in this space. He was ready to absolutely brutalize the guy. He was going to do one of those cutesy open letters to the defensively challenged first baseman. Jose had it all planned out it was going to have some snappy lead like:
Dear Kevin,
Hi. It’s Jose. Jose knows we haven’t talked in a while, but he’s writing
now because he misses you and there are some questions he really wants to ask
you. For instance, how hard is it to step on the f***ing base? Yes, Jose knows
it didn’t cost any runs, but even after you were warned that teams were
complaining about you leaving early, you still couldn’t remember to step on the
f***ing base?
Is there anything Jose can do to help? Do you need to take one of those
step aerobic classes? Do you need a tour of the Central Asian steppe? What about
a 12 step program? Would that help? No probably not. You don’t need 12 steps,
you only need one… the step that lands you on first f***ing base.
But then Millar went ahead and hit a game winning homer while Jose was out taking an evening constitutional with the Melendezette… thereby ruing Jose’s best laid plans.But that’s okay. This is better.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 10
5/10/05 -- Balki vs. Some Dutch Sounding Guy
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Just a brief KEYS today, as Jose will be spending most of the day in beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts, a city that unfortunately changed its name from Lowe, when the Derek Lowe for Brian Lawrence deal seemed inevitable.
1. After Kevin Millar hit his first home run of the season last night, Sox manager Terry Eurona commented that Millar was able to finally end his home run slump because he was able to “see the ball, stay square.” Jose can understand how seeing the ball could be important, but is Eurona seriously suggesting that the problem until last night was that Kevin Millar wasn’t square enough? Did he have a soul patch that Jose hadn’t noticed? Was he playing some jazz trombone off in the corner and Jose totally missed it? Jose is pretty sure that Kevin Millar has been plenty square all along. To quote an old band teacher of Jose’s, Kevin Millar “is like taking some hip swinging mariachi band and dropping it in a box.”So the problem has to be that he wasn’t seeing the ball that well before.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Just a brief KEYS today, as Jose will be spending most of the day in beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts, a city that unfortunately changed its name from Lowe, when the Derek Lowe for Brian Lawrence deal seemed inevitable.
1. After Kevin Millar hit his first home run of the season last night, Sox manager Terry Eurona commented that Millar was able to finally end his home run slump because he was able to “see the ball, stay square.” Jose can understand how seeing the ball could be important, but is Eurona seriously suggesting that the problem until last night was that Kevin Millar wasn’t square enough? Did he have a soul patch that Jose hadn’t noticed? Was he playing some jazz trombone off in the corner and Jose totally missed it? Jose is pretty sure that Kevin Millar has been plenty square all along. To quote an old band teacher of Jose’s, Kevin Millar “is like taking some hip swinging mariachi band and dropping it in a box.”So the problem has to be that he wasn’t seeing the ball that well before.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, May 9
5/9/05 – Sox vs. As
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose returns after two glorious off days feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Will it make a difference in his writing? God no, but at least it gave him time watch the Celtics implode and prepare a nice Mothers Day dinner for his mother and Granny Melendez.
1. Jose is now 2-0 after spending Friday night’s game staring at the back of a pole with the Melendezette and two other friends, while completely and totally sober. (Note: Couldn’t they at least have pole dancers on the supports columns? They should give a fellow something to look at if he can’t see the batter.) Between innings, Jose finally discovered the horrible secret of why the Melendezette enjoys going to baseball games live but is largely indifferent to watching them on television, internet, closed circuit television or in Indonesian shadow puppet reenactments.
“This is my favorite part,” she cooed… between innings.
For a few moments, Jose thought that she meant he favorite part was staring at the back of pole. Then he decided that might not be the case, and craned his neck around the pole just in case there was something else going on. As it turned out, the grounds crew was dragging the rakes around the infield.
It turns out that she likes going to baseball games for the same reason she like HGTV… she’s in it for the landscaping. Though Jose suspects that if it were up to her, the infield would have more of a Zen rock garden feel, with granite boulders replacing the bases. (Note: This is actually completely unfair. She has a great suggestion for the grounds crew. Mr. Henry take note. If the Red Sox played the theme from Benny Hill while the grounds crew groomed the infield, they would work in super fast motion, and the work would go twice as fast. Also, British women would end up on the field in their underwear.)
So Jose has a modest proposal to the Red Sox to make watching the entire season a year a bit more palatable to the Melendezette. Start showing the grounds crew’s work on television, but switch the innings that they rake the field from night to night to keep her guessing. That will prevent her from lobbying to change the channel to some drivel like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Racquetball, the Gastineau Girls or the State of the Union.
If the Red Sox make this simple change, it should create enough harmony in the Melendez household that Jose can start watching a robust 160 to 161 games per year, rather than his current wan and anemic 155.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Jose returns after two glorious off days feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Will it make a difference in his writing? God no, but at least it gave him time watch the Celtics implode and prepare a nice Mothers Day dinner for his mother and Granny Melendez.
1. Jose is now 2-0 after spending Friday night’s game staring at the back of a pole with the Melendezette and two other friends, while completely and totally sober. (Note: Couldn’t they at least have pole dancers on the supports columns? They should give a fellow something to look at if he can’t see the batter.) Between innings, Jose finally discovered the horrible secret of why the Melendezette enjoys going to baseball games live but is largely indifferent to watching them on television, internet, closed circuit television or in Indonesian shadow puppet reenactments.
“This is my favorite part,” she cooed… between innings.
For a few moments, Jose thought that she meant he favorite part was staring at the back of pole. Then he decided that might not be the case, and craned his neck around the pole just in case there was something else going on. As it turned out, the grounds crew was dragging the rakes around the infield.
It turns out that she likes going to baseball games for the same reason she like HGTV… she’s in it for the landscaping. Though Jose suspects that if it were up to her, the infield would have more of a Zen rock garden feel, with granite boulders replacing the bases. (Note: This is actually completely unfair. She has a great suggestion for the grounds crew. Mr. Henry take note. If the Red Sox played the theme from Benny Hill while the grounds crew groomed the infield, they would work in super fast motion, and the work would go twice as fast. Also, British women would end up on the field in their underwear.)
So Jose has a modest proposal to the Red Sox to make watching the entire season a year a bit more palatable to the Melendezette. Start showing the grounds crew’s work on television, but switch the innings that they rake the field from night to night to keep her guessing. That will prevent her from lobbying to change the channel to some drivel like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Racquetball, the Gastineau Girls or the State of the Union.
If the Red Sox make this simple change, it should create enough harmony in the Melendez household that Jose can start watching a robust 160 to 161 games per year, rather than his current wan and anemic 155.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, May 6
5/6/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Moyer
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tonight, Jose makes his second trip of the year to both Fenway Park and the Women’s Christian Temperance section. Jose will put his undefeated season once again on the shoulders of Antipope Clement XV, as he battles crafty lefty Jamie Moyer.
Jose is really impressed with Moyer. He never would have guessed when the Red Sox traded him in 1996 that he would become the pitcher he is today, particularly at his advanced age. The fact that even at the age of 71, even after retiring from his duties as the host of NOW on PBS and almost 40 years after ending his stint as special assistant to President Lyndon Baines Johnson, Moyer is off to a 4-0 start is just a testament to the things senior citizens can accomplish in this day and age.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, May 5
Cinco de Mayo 2005 – Sitcom Battle: Balki vs. JJ
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Day game after a night game. Not cool. Historically, Jose hasn’t really understood what the players are griping about because he writes the KEYS early in the morning before he goes in to his “real job,” but yesterday, due to illness the KEYS did not get written until after Jose had left work for the day, creating a true “night game followed by a day game effect.” And let Jose say, it sucks. All of these years he thought ballplayers were just being pansies, but it turns out it’s really unpleasant.
How bad is it? Jose actually had to start writing WHILE HE WAS STILL ASLEEP!!! This is the result:
Jose expects the red hot Johnny Damon to add some power to his game tonight. In his second at bat Jose envisions that Damon will give the bat a mighty swing… and the bat will turn into a snake that grabs the ball in its mouth and spits it into right field.
Then when Damon starts running the bases instead of just stopping at home, he’s going to keep running around and around and around until the infield turns into a vortex or whirlpool or something. And Jose is the third base coach rather than Dale Sveum… did Jose mention that? That’s especially weird, because while Dale Sveum might be expected to keep waving a runner around even if he’s creating a vortex that could destroy the universe, you’d think Jose would know to stop.
So suddenly the vortex sucks Jose and Johnny and Kevin Millar through. When we come out the other side, we’re in Jabba the Hut’s palace from Return of the Jedi. And Jabba is right there, except it’s not Jabba it’s David Wells, but he looks like Jabba. (Note: If fans are pissed that he was at the Celtics game with his injured foot, it’s going to be double ugly once they find out he’s been running all over Tatooine.) Over on the wall where the frozen Han should be is this plastic boot with Curt Euro’s foot in it. Jose doesn’t know how he knows it’s Curt’s foot, but he does.
So Johnny Damon runs over with his snake/bat which is now a lightsaber and chops down the frame that the foot is in and suddenly Curt Euro pops out of the boot, alive and well. But dozens of Jabba’s security guards, who look suspiciously like Fenway Park security personnel start to rush us… and then… and then... well what happened next isn’t important. What’s important is that Jose got more than 400 words of content out of it.
Day game after a night game. Not cool. Historically, Jose hasn’t really understood what the players are griping about because he writes the KEYS early in the morning before he goes in to his “real job,” but yesterday, due to illness the KEYS did not get written until after Jose had left work for the day, creating a true “night game followed by a day game effect.” And let Jose say, it sucks. All of these years he thought ballplayers were just being pansies, but it turns out it’s really unpleasant.
How bad is it? Jose actually had to start writing WHILE HE WAS STILL ASLEEP!!! This is the result:
Jose expects the red hot Johnny Damon to add some power to his game tonight. In his second at bat Jose envisions that Damon will give the bat a mighty swing… and the bat will turn into a snake that grabs the ball in its mouth and spits it into right field.
Then when Damon starts running the bases instead of just stopping at home, he’s going to keep running around and around and around until the infield turns into a vortex or whirlpool or something. And Jose is the third base coach rather than Dale Sveum… did Jose mention that? That’s especially weird, because while Dale Sveum might be expected to keep waving a runner around even if he’s creating a vortex that could destroy the universe, you’d think Jose would know to stop.
So suddenly the vortex sucks Jose and Johnny and Kevin Millar through. When we come out the other side, we’re in Jabba the Hut’s palace from Return of the Jedi. And Jabba is right there, except it’s not Jabba it’s David Wells, but he looks like Jabba. (Note: If fans are pissed that he was at the Celtics game with his injured foot, it’s going to be double ugly once they find out he’s been running all over Tatooine.) Over on the wall where the frozen Han should be is this plastic boot with Curt Euro’s foot in it. Jose doesn’t know how he knows it’s Curt’s foot, but he does.
So Johnny Damon runs over with his snake/bat which is now a lightsaber and chops down the frame that the foot is in and suddenly Curt Euro pops out of the boot, alive and well. But dozens of Jabba’s security guards, who look suspiciously like Fenway Park security personnel start to rush us… and then… and then... well what happened next isn’t important. What’s important is that Jose got more than 400 words of content out of it.
Wednesday, May 4
5/4/05 – Not a Former TB Pitcher vs. Robertson
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Ugghh… Jose is sick, hence the lateness of today’s KEYS. But they’re still here. And that’s the difference between Jose and guys like Euro Bellhorn or Umlaut Mueller. He’ll be damned if Ramon Vasquez takes any of his swings.
1. A loyal reader stirke4 found this on the craigslist “missed connections” and shared it with Jose.
Let Jose assures all readers, and by this, he means the Melendezette, that he does not know this woman. (Note: XXXXX, if you’re reading, Jose is fine, and you’re nice to ask.)
Jose has read the “missed connections” in the Improper Bostonian from time to time and found them immensely entertaining, but he’d never really read the ones on line before. What a shame because he missed some great stuff. For instance:
And these are just a few of the great “Missed Connections” out there. Look for more in future editions of KEYS.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Ugghh… Jose is sick, hence the lateness of today’s KEYS. But they’re still here. And that’s the difference between Jose and guys like Euro Bellhorn or Umlaut Mueller. He’ll be damned if Ramon Vasquez takes any of his swings.
1. A loyal reader stirke4 found this on the craigslist “missed connections” and shared it with Jose.
Jose Melendez, where are you? - w4m -
23
Reply to: XXXXX
Date: 2005-05-04, 9:18AM EDT
We worked together in the summer of 1999 in downtown Manhattan. We dated
briefly, but then broke up. I was 17, you were almost 19. I've not forgotten
about you. I lost your information and I'm looking to speak with you again, even
just to know that you're well.
Let Jose assures all readers, and by this, he means the Melendezette, that he does not know this woman. (Note: XXXXX, if you’re reading, Jose is fine, and you’re nice to ask.)
Jose has read the “missed connections” in the Improper Bostonian from time to time and found them immensely entertaining, but he’d never really read the ones on line before. What a shame because he missed some great stuff. For instance:
Home Runs Where Have You Gone? – h4s - 33
I met you back in 1999 in
Florida. You didn’t hang around with me a lot, but over the course of a
few years we grew closer, closer to the point that I saw you 25 times in one
year. And now? Where have you gone? I haven’t seen you since
last fall. I miss you… I need you… I can’t shut up about you… or about
anything else…
--Love at first/right in Boston
Where is My Closer? – s4c - 33
We got together last year,
and for the first time in my life I felt able to let go, like I could give up
control and things would work out okay, like I didn’t have to finish everything
myself.
But, I moved, my work took me from Boston to New
York, and I miss you so bad. I’m doing really well here, but I have to do
everything myself. There’s no one here I can rely on. And I hear
that you’re struggling, that you haven’t been the same since I left. I’d
love to just be with you again… for just another six months. Call
me.
--Pedro in Queens
And these are just a few of the great “Missed Connections” out there. Look for more in future editions of KEYS.
For more visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, May 3
5/3/05 – A Buddha vs. Maroth
In preparation for tonight’s game against the (Mac OS X) Tigers, Jose turns to William Blake’s “The Tiger” for metric inspiration. Jose loves this poem. Admittedly, he was originally introduced to it in a Spiderman comic book and it wasn’t even the real poem – “spider” was substituted for “tiger” every time. Still, it’s a good poem and it is apt.
The Tigers
By Jose Melendez
Tigers, tigers, don’t burn down.
Aged buildings in Motown,
Can’t hit, throw or win a race,
They don’t torch cities for last place.
Tigers, tigers in the field,
Bobby Higginson revealed,
What hand, if it’s made of stone,
Can catch the ball and throw it home?
Tigers, tigers not adroit,
In the forests of Detroit
Ty Cobb’s ghost – always bitter
When D. Young is your best hitter.
Tigers, tigers in the snow,
Playing when it’s ten below,
Although it can seem uncouth,
Your stadium could use a roof.
Tigers, tigers struggling,
Like the cat who plays with string,
John Ha-Lama holds the twine,
Christ. He’s in our starting nine?
Tigers, tigers pale and wan,
Kirk and Sparky both are gone,
Trammel’s back with much to do,
He’s not the same without “Sweet Lou.”
Tigers, Tiger play tonight,
Underneath electric light,
Not the team of ’84,
Tigers please drop three of four.
The Tigers
By Jose Melendez
Tigers, tigers, don’t burn down.
Aged buildings in Motown,
Can’t hit, throw or win a race,
They don’t torch cities for last place.
Tigers, tigers in the field,
Bobby Higginson revealed,
What hand, if it’s made of stone,
Can catch the ball and throw it home?
Tigers, tigers not adroit,
In the forests of Detroit
Ty Cobb’s ghost – always bitter
When D. Young is your best hitter.
Tigers, tigers in the snow,
Playing when it’s ten below,
Although it can seem uncouth,
Your stadium could use a roof.
Tigers, tigers struggling,
Like the cat who plays with string,
John Ha-Lama holds the twine,
Christ. He’s in our starting nine?
Tigers, tigers pale and wan,
Kirk and Sparky both are gone,
Trammel’s back with much to do,
He’s not the same without “Sweet Lou.”
Tigers, Tiger play tonight,
Underneath electric light,
Not the team of ’84,
Tigers please drop three of four.
Monday, May 2
5/2/05 -- "I" vs. "Y"
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tonight is a milestone for the Red Sox. It marks the first time in the franchise’s history that they have faced an opponent that has sold not only naming rights for its ballpark, but for the team itself, to a major corporation. Sure the Detroit Tigers have not actually formally changed their name, but according to Jose’s sources they have cut a deal with Apple Computer to become the Detroit (Mac OS X) Tigers. While this is the first baseball team to have sold its naming rights, it is not the first in U.S. professional sports. The (Mac OS X) Tigers join the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Carolina (Mac OS X) Panthers, as major U.S. teams to sell their naming rights.
The (Mac OS X) Tigers boast more than 200 new features including a “rock solid UNIX foundation,” burnable folders and maybe just a little bit of pitching. They do not, however, include Magglio Ordonez.
Visit www.wallballsingle.com for the complete KEYS.
Tonight is a milestone for the Red Sox. It marks the first time in the franchise’s history that they have faced an opponent that has sold not only naming rights for its ballpark, but for the team itself, to a major corporation. Sure the Detroit Tigers have not actually formally changed their name, but according to Jose’s sources they have cut a deal with Apple Computer to become the Detroit (Mac OS X) Tigers. While this is the first baseball team to have sold its naming rights, it is not the first in U.S. professional sports. The (Mac OS X) Tigers join the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Carolina (Mac OS X) Panthers, as major U.S. teams to sell their naming rights.
The (Mac OS X) Tigers boast more than 200 new features including a “rock solid UNIX foundation,” burnable folders and maybe just a little bit of pitching. They do not, however, include Magglio Ordonez.
Visit www.wallballsingle.com for the complete KEYS.
Sunday, May 1
5/1/05 -- Texas Calls May Day
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. In a letter to Major League Players Association President Donald Fehr, baseball commissioner Bud Selig proposed that baseball adopt a "three strikes and you’re out" steroid policy wherein players testing positive for steroids on three occasions would be banned for life. Get it? "Three strikes and you’re out" – it’s a baseball metaphor. But if Selig is going to try to replicate baseball’s age old rule in his steroid policy, why not try to duplicate it completely? Since a foul ball cannot be a third strike, it is fully possible to have more than three strikes in an at bat. The question then is what would be the drug testing equivalent of a foul ball? Probably a drug test that was positive but did not conform to every last letter of the collective bargaining agreement, thereby rendering it illegitimate. So Selig should amend his steroid testing program to be "three strikes and you’re out but a foul ball can’t be a third strike." He might as well. Do you really think the players association is going to let someone be banned for life after only three violations? If the players association has it’s way, the drug policy will demand more strikes than perfect game of candlepins.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. In a letter to Major League Players Association President Donald Fehr, baseball commissioner Bud Selig proposed that baseball adopt a "three strikes and you’re out" steroid policy wherein players testing positive for steroids on three occasions would be banned for life. Get it? "Three strikes and you’re out" – it’s a baseball metaphor. But if Selig is going to try to replicate baseball’s age old rule in his steroid policy, why not try to duplicate it completely? Since a foul ball cannot be a third strike, it is fully possible to have more than three strikes in an at bat. The question then is what would be the drug testing equivalent of a foul ball? Probably a drug test that was positive but did not conform to every last letter of the collective bargaining agreement, thereby rendering it illegitimate. So Selig should amend his steroid testing program to be "three strikes and you’re out but a foul ball can’t be a third strike." He might as well. Do you really think the players association is going to let someone be banned for life after only three violations? If the players association has it’s way, the drug policy will demand more strikes than perfect game of candlepins.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, April 30
4/30/05 -- Balki vs. A Nut
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
In issuing a harsh set of suspensions yesterday for the twin brawl betweens the DRays and the Sox, Major League Baseball’s hard ass vice principal Bob Watson said that the commissioner’s office “will not tolerate any continued on-field misconduct between these two clubs.”
Bob Watson actually said that yesterday. Guess which of the following came next:
a) So tonight… right here… in this very ring… we will have… The Boston Red Sox vs. the Tampax Bay DRays… INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!! No count outs… No disqualifications… NO MERCY!!!
b) Major League Baseball’s rules for on-field conduct are quite clear. It’s the off field rules that are sort of vague. So if they want to engage in misconduct, they should do it in a bathroom with a needle like misters McGuire and Canseco.
c) Major League Baseball has a long standing policy of encouraging clubs to settle their differences off the field, for instance, at a local tavern or in a dark alley.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
In issuing a harsh set of suspensions yesterday for the twin brawl betweens the DRays and the Sox, Major League Baseball’s hard ass vice principal Bob Watson said that the commissioner’s office “will not tolerate any continued on-field misconduct between these two clubs.”
Bob Watson actually said that yesterday. Guess which of the following came next:
a) So tonight… right here… in this very ring… we will have… The Boston Red Sox vs. the Tampax Bay DRays… INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!! No count outs… No disqualifications… NO MERCY!!!
b) Major League Baseball’s rules for on-field conduct are quite clear. It’s the off field rules that are sort of vague. So if they want to engage in misconduct, they should do it in a bathroom with a needle like misters McGuire and Canseco.
c) Major League Baseball has a long standing policy of encouraging clubs to settle their differences off the field, for instance, at a local tavern or in a dark alley.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, April 29
4/29/05 -- Wake Drives in the Park-Way
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. In light of his recent quarrel with the Boston Globe’s now former Ombudsman, it has become clear to Jose that if KEYS is going to be taken seriously, there needs to be someone affiliated with the blog whose job is to represent the people, the readers of this fine feature. Thus, KEYS has made the decision to create a permanent KEYS TO THE GAME Ombudsman’s Office. The job of the ombudsman will be to represent the readers. Readers are encouraged to post comments or send questions to keystothegame@hotmail.com and the ombudsman will be certain that they get to Jose himself. This should be quite easy, as the ombudsman will be Jose himself. (Note: What did you think Jose was going to hire staff?) But as an added feature, the ombudsman will periodically, present and address the reader perspective.
Let’s try one.
“Jose, are you hung over? still drunk? I noticed even more typos than usual in today’s post.” Steve-O — Saturday, April 23, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
Well, Steve-O, for the answer to that question you’ll have to wait for the release of Jose’s autobiography “Perfect Jose’s Not” which will detail his hard nights of drinking before day games, his struggles with his weight, and of course David Wells’ copyright infringement lawsuit against him.
Still, you raise a serious question. How is it exactly that a man like Jose, a man with several years of education at the nation’s finest university that has more that 25,000 students and no football team, can make so many typos and confuse so many homonyms? This is sort of like asking how George Steinbrenner, a man with several world championships and millions of dollars could decide that it was a good idea to sign Jaret Wright. And the answer is the same… extreme stupidity.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
1. In light of his recent quarrel with the Boston Globe’s now former Ombudsman, it has become clear to Jose that if KEYS is going to be taken seriously, there needs to be someone affiliated with the blog whose job is to represent the people, the readers of this fine feature. Thus, KEYS has made the decision to create a permanent KEYS TO THE GAME Ombudsman’s Office. The job of the ombudsman will be to represent the readers. Readers are encouraged to post comments or send questions to keystothegame@hotmail.com and the ombudsman will be certain that they get to Jose himself. This should be quite easy, as the ombudsman will be Jose himself. (Note: What did you think Jose was going to hire staff?) But as an added feature, the ombudsman will periodically, present and address the reader perspective.
Let’s try one.
“Jose, are you hung over? still drunk? I noticed even more typos than usual in today’s post.” Steve-O — Saturday, April 23, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
Well, Steve-O, for the answer to that question you’ll have to wait for the release of Jose’s autobiography “Perfect Jose’s Not” which will detail his hard nights of drinking before day games, his struggles with his weight, and of course David Wells’ copyright infringement lawsuit against him.
Still, you raise a serious question. How is it exactly that a man like Jose, a man with several years of education at the nation’s finest university that has more that 25,000 students and no football team, can make so many typos and confuse so many homonyms? This is sort of like asking how George Steinbrenner, a man with several world championships and millions of dollars could decide that it was a good idea to sign Jaret Wright. And the answer is the same… extreme stupidity.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
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