5/13/05 -- Gonzales vs. Piniero

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. People are angry and happy at the same time. People are happy that the Red Sox got their second win on a walk off homer in two days when Jason Varitek took Octavio Dotel deep. People are angry that Keith Foulke blew a three run lead in the ninth to make the comeback necessary. People are angrier still, that Foulke got a win as the reward for his failure.
This is a basic matter of equity. Jose is a big fan of Foulke, but when a reliever blows a save and picks up a win, it looks to Jose like when a CEO drives a company into the ground and then picks up a $20 million severance package or when Steve Avery gets his 18th start to pick up an extension after 17 lousy starts. It is unjust, it is larcenous, it is wrong. (Note: Jose knows it probably wasn’t 18 starts that Avery needed, he just doesn’t want to look it up because he feels strongly that any minute spent contemplating Steve Avery’s Red Sox career is also unjust, larcenous and wrong.)

So Jose has a modest proposal. From now on, any time a reliever blows a save but would, under current rules, be scheduled to pick up a win, he should not get the win. See isn’t that more just already? The way Jose sees it this would be an advancement in the annals of justice on par with the Code of Hammurabi or the appointment of Judge Wapner to the bench. (Note: Is Wapner still alive? If so, can we put him on a federal appeals court? No one could filibuster that.) But Jose’s proposal gets even better.

Instead of going to the imploding reliever, the win should be credited to Bob Stanley. Why not? Stanley raised win stealing to an art form, and this new policy would ensure that Steamer, currently stuck on 97 career wins, would reach triple digits. Of course, many “statisticians” may find the idea of giving wins to a pitcher who has been retired for 16 years objectionable. So let Jose offer a backup plan as well. Perhaps we can create a new statistic for a win recorder by a pitcher after blowing a save – we’ll call it the “stanley.” And Keith Foulke is free to pick up as many stanleys as he wants as long as the Red Sox don’t pick up an L. (Note: Or would it be stanlies? What about an abbreviation? STN?)

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/11/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. The Big One

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose was all set to beat up Kevin Millar in this space. He was ready to absolutely brutalize the guy. He was going to do one of those cutesy open letters to the defensively challenged first baseman. Jose had it all planned out it was going to have some snappy lead like:

Dear Kevin,
Hi. It’s Jose. Jose knows we haven’t talked in a while, but he’s writing
now because he misses you and there are some questions he really wants to ask
you. For instance, how hard is it to step on the f***ing base? Yes, Jose knows
it didn’t cost any runs, but even after you were warned that teams were
complaining about you leaving early, you still couldn’t remember to step on the
f***ing base?

Is there anything Jose can do to help? Do you need to take one of those
step aerobic classes? Do you need a tour of the Central Asian steppe? What about
a 12 step program? Would that help? No probably not. You don’t need 12 steps,
you only need one… the step that lands you on first f***ing base.

But then Millar went ahead and hit a game winning homer while Jose was out taking an evening constitutional with the Melendezette… thereby ruing Jose’s best laid plans.But that’s okay. This is better.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/10/05 -- Balki vs. Some Dutch Sounding Guy

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Just a brief KEYS today, as Jose will be spending most of the day in beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts, a city that unfortunately changed its name from Lowe, when the Derek Lowe for Brian Lawrence deal seemed inevitable.

1. After Kevin Millar hit his first home run of the season last night, Sox manager Terry Eurona commented that Millar was able to finally end his home run slump because he was able to “see the ball, stay square.” Jose can understand how seeing the ball could be important, but is Eurona seriously suggesting that the problem until last night was that Kevin Millar wasn’t square enough? Did he have a soul patch that Jose hadn’t noticed? Was he playing some jazz trombone off in the corner and Jose totally missed it? Jose is pretty sure that Kevin Millar has been plenty square all along. To quote an old band teacher of Jose’s, Kevin Millar “is like taking some hip swinging mariachi band and dropping it in a box.”So the problem has to be that he wasn’t seeing the ball that well before.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/9/05 – Sox vs. As

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose returns after two glorious off days feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Will it make a difference in his writing? God no, but at least it gave him time watch the Celtics implode and prepare a nice Mothers Day dinner for his mother and Granny Melendez.

1. Jose is now 2-0 after spending Friday night’s game staring at the back of a pole with the Melendezette and two other friends, while completely and totally sober. (Note: Couldn’t they at least have pole dancers on the supports columns? They should give a fellow something to look at if he can’t see the batter.) Between innings, Jose finally discovered the horrible secret of why the Melendezette enjoys going to baseball games live but is largely indifferent to watching them on television, internet, closed circuit television or in Indonesian shadow puppet reenactments.
“This is my favorite part,” she cooed… between innings.

For a few moments, Jose thought that she meant he favorite part was staring at the back of pole. Then he decided that might not be the case, and craned his neck around the pole just in case there was something else going on. As it turned out, the grounds crew was dragging the rakes around the infield.

It turns out that she likes going to baseball games for the same reason she like HGTV… she’s in it for the landscaping. Though Jose suspects that if it were up to her, the infield would have more of a Zen rock garden feel, with granite boulders replacing the bases. (Note: This is actually completely unfair. She has a great suggestion for the grounds crew. Mr. Henry take note. If the Red Sox played the theme from Benny Hill while the grounds crew groomed the infield, they would work in super fast motion, and the work would go twice as fast. Also, British women would end up on the field in their underwear.)

So Jose has a modest proposal to the Red Sox to make watching the entire season a year a bit more palatable to the Melendezette. Start showing the grounds crew’s work on television, but switch the innings that they rake the field from night to night to keep her guessing. That will prevent her from lobbying to change the channel to some drivel like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Racquetball, the Gastineau Girls or the State of the Union.
If the Red Sox make this simple change, it should create enough harmony in the Melendez household that Jose can start watching a robust 160 to 161 games per year, rather than his current wan and anemic 155.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/6/05 – Antipope Clement XV vs. Moyer

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Tonight, Jose makes his second trip of the year to both Fenway Park and the Women’s Christian Temperance section. Jose will put his undefeated season once again on the shoulders of Antipope Clement XV, as he battles crafty lefty Jamie Moyer.

Jose is really impressed with Moyer. He never would have guessed when the Red Sox traded him in 1996 that he would become the pitcher he is today, particularly at his advanced age. The fact that even at the age of 71, even after retiring from his duties as the host of NOW on PBS and almost 40 years after ending his stint as special assistant to President Lyndon Baines Johnson, Moyer is off to a 4-0 start is just a testament to the things senior citizens can accomplish in this day and age.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

Cinco de Mayo 2005 – Sitcom Battle: Balki vs. JJ

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Day game after a night game. Not cool. Historically, Jose hasn’t really understood what the players are griping about because he writes the KEYS early in the morning before he goes in to his “real job,” but yesterday, due to illness the KEYS did not get written until after Jose had left work for the day, creating a true “night game followed by a day game effect.” And let Jose say, it sucks. All of these years he thought ballplayers were just being pansies, but it turns out it’s really unpleasant.

How bad is it? Jose actually had to start writing WHILE HE WAS STILL ASLEEP!!! This is the result:

Jose expects the red hot Johnny Damon to add some power to his game tonight. In his second at bat Jose envisions that Damon will give the bat a mighty swing… and the bat will turn into a snake that grabs the ball in its mouth and spits it into right field.

Then when Damon starts running the bases instead of just stopping at home, he’s going to keep running around and around and around until the infield turns into a vortex or whirlpool or something. And Jose is the third base coach rather than Dale Sveum… did Jose mention that? That’s especially weird, because while Dale Sveum might be expected to keep waving a runner around even if he’s creating a vortex that could destroy the universe, you’d think Jose would know to stop.

So suddenly the vortex sucks Jose and Johnny and Kevin Millar through. When we come out the other side, we’re in Jabba the Hut’s palace from Return of the Jedi. And Jabba is right there, except it’s not Jabba it’s David Wells, but he looks like Jabba. (Note: If fans are pissed that he was at the Celtics game with his injured foot, it’s going to be double ugly once they find out he’s been running all over Tatooine.) Over on the wall where the frozen Han should be is this plastic boot with Curt Euro’s foot in it. Jose doesn’t know how he knows it’s Curt’s foot, but he does.

So Johnny Damon runs over with his snake/bat which is now a lightsaber and chops down the frame that the foot is in and suddenly Curt Euro pops out of the boot, alive and well. But dozens of Jabba’s security guards, who look suspiciously like Fenway Park security personnel start to rush us… and then… and then... well what happened next isn’t important. What’s important is that Jose got more than 400 words of content out of it.

5/4/05 – Not a Former TB Pitcher vs. Robertson

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Ugghh… Jose is sick, hence the lateness of today’s KEYS. But they’re still here. And that’s the difference between Jose and guys like Euro Bellhorn or Umlaut Mueller. He’ll be damned if Ramon Vasquez takes any of his swings.

1. A loyal reader stirke4 found this on the craigslist “missed connections” and shared it with Jose.

Jose Melendez, where are you? - w4m -
23

Reply to: XXXXX
Date: 2005-05-04, 9:18AM EDT

We worked together in the summer of 1999 in downtown Manhattan. We dated
briefly, but then broke up. I was 17, you were almost 19. I've not forgotten
about you. I lost your information and I'm looking to speak with you again, even
just to know that you're well.

Let Jose assures all readers, and by this, he means the Melendezette, that he does not know this woman. (Note: XXXXX, if you’re reading, Jose is fine, and you’re nice to ask.)

Jose has read the “missed connections” in the Improper Bostonian from time to time and found them immensely entertaining, but he’d never really read the ones on line before. What a shame because he missed some great stuff. For instance:

Home Runs Where Have You Gone? – h4s - 33

I met you back in 1999 in
Florida. You didn’t hang around with me a lot, but over the course of a
few years we grew closer, closer to the point that I saw you 25 times in one
year. And now? Where have you gone? I haven’t seen you since
last fall. I miss you… I need you… I can’t shut up about you… or about
anything else…

--Love at first/right in Boston

Where is My Closer? – s4c - 33

We got together last year,
and for the first time in my life I felt able to let go, like I could give up
control and things would work out okay, like I didn’t have to finish everything
myself.

But, I moved, my work took me from Boston to New
York, and I miss you so bad. I’m doing really well here, but I have to do
everything myself. There’s no one here I can rely on. And I hear
that you’re struggling, that you haven’t been the same since I left. I’d
love to just be with you again… for just another six months. Call
me.

--Pedro in Queens

And these are just a few of the great “Missed Connections” out there. Look for more in future editions of KEYS.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

5/3/05 – A Buddha vs. Maroth

In preparation for tonight’s game against the (Mac OS X) Tigers, Jose turns to William Blake’s “The Tiger” for metric inspiration. Jose loves this poem. Admittedly, he was originally introduced to it in a Spiderman comic book and it wasn’t even the real poem – “spider” was substituted for “tiger” every time. Still, it’s a good poem and it is apt.

The Tigers
By Jose Melendez

Tigers, tigers, don’t burn down.
Aged buildings in Motown,
Can’t hit, throw or win a race,
They don’t torch cities for last place.

Tigers, tigers in the field,
Bobby Higginson revealed,
What hand, if it’s made of stone,
Can catch the ball and throw it home?

Tigers, tigers not adroit,
In the forests of Detroit
Ty Cobb’s ghost – always bitter
When D. Young is your best hitter.

Tigers, tigers in the snow,
Playing when it’s ten below,
Although it can seem uncouth,
Your stadium could use a roof.

Tigers, tigers struggling,
Like the cat who plays with string,
John Ha-Lama holds the twine,
Christ. He’s in our starting nine?

Tigers, tigers pale and wan,
Kirk and Sparky both are gone,
Trammel’s back with much to do,
He’s not the same without “Sweet Lou.”

Tigers, Tiger play tonight,
Underneath electric light,
Not the team of ’84,
Tigers please drop three of four.

5/2/05 -- "I" vs. "Y"

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Tonight is a milestone for the Red Sox. It marks the first time in the franchise’s history that they have faced an opponent that has sold not only naming rights for its ballpark, but for the team itself, to a major corporation. Sure the Detroit Tigers have not actually formally changed their name, but according to Jose’s sources they have cut a deal with Apple Computer to become the Detroit (Mac OS X) Tigers. While this is the first baseball team to have sold its naming rights, it is not the first in U.S. professional sports. The (Mac OS X) Tigers join the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Carolina (Mac OS X) Panthers, as major U.S. teams to sell their naming rights.

The (Mac OS X) Tigers boast more than 200 new features including a “rock solid UNIX foundation,” burnable folders and maybe just a little bit of pitching. They do not, however, include Magglio Ordonez.

Visit www.wallballsingle.com for the complete KEYS.

5/1/05 -- Texas Calls May Day

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. In a letter to Major League Players Association President Donald Fehr, baseball commissioner Bud Selig proposed that baseball adopt a "three strikes and you’re out" steroid policy wherein players testing positive for steroids on three occasions would be banned for life. Get it? "Three strikes and you’re out" – it’s a baseball metaphor. But if Selig is going to try to replicate baseball’s age old rule in his steroid policy, why not try to duplicate it completely? Since a foul ball cannot be a third strike, it is fully possible to have more than three strikes in an at bat. The question then is what would be the drug testing equivalent of a foul ball? Probably a drug test that was positive but did not conform to every last letter of the collective bargaining agreement, thereby rendering it illegitimate. So Selig should amend his steroid testing program to be "three strikes and you’re out but a foul ball can’t be a third strike." He might as well. Do you really think the players association is going to let someone be banned for life after only three violations? If the players association has it’s way, the drug policy will demand more strikes than perfect game of candlepins.

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/30/05 -- Balki vs. A Nut

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

In issuing a harsh set of suspensions yesterday for the twin brawl betweens the DRays and the Sox, Major League Baseball’s hard ass vice principal Bob Watson said that the commissioner’s office “will not tolerate any continued on-field misconduct between these two clubs.”

Bob Watson actually said that yesterday. Guess which of the following came next:

a) So tonight… right here… in this very ring… we will have… The Boston Red Sox vs. the Tampax Bay DRays… INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!! No count outs… No disqualifications… NO MERCY!!!

b) Major League Baseball’s rules for on-field conduct are quite clear. It’s the off field rules that are sort of vague. So if they want to engage in misconduct, they should do it in a bathroom with a needle like misters McGuire and Canseco.

c) Major League Baseball has a long standing policy of encouraging clubs to settle their differences off the field, for instance, at a local tavern or in a dark alley.

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/29/05 -- Wake Drives in the Park-Way

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. In light of his recent quarrel with the Boston Globe’s now former Ombudsman, it has become clear to Jose that if KEYS is going to be taken seriously, there needs to be someone affiliated with the blog whose job is to represent the people, the readers of this fine feature. Thus, KEYS has made the decision to create a permanent KEYS TO THE GAME Ombudsman’s Office. The job of the ombudsman will be to represent the readers. Readers are encouraged to post comments or send questions to keystothegame@hotmail.com and the ombudsman will be certain that they get to Jose himself. This should be quite easy, as the ombudsman will be Jose himself. (Note: What did you think Jose was going to hire staff?) But as an added feature, the ombudsman will periodically, present and address the reader perspective.

Let’s try one.
“Jose, are you hung over? still drunk? I noticed even more typos than usual in today’s post.” Steve-O — Saturday, April 23, 2005 @ 2:44 pm

Well, Steve-O, for the answer to that question you’ll have to wait for the release of Jose’s autobiography “Perfect Jose’s Not” which will detail his hard nights of drinking before day games, his struggles with his weight, and of course David Wells’ copyright infringement lawsuit against him.

Still, you raise a serious question. How is it exactly that a man like Jose, a man with several years of education at the nation’s finest university that has more that 25,000 students and no football team, can make so many typos and confuse so many homonyms? This is sort of like asking how George Steinbrenner, a man with several world championships and millions of dollars could decide that it was a good idea to sign Jaret Wright. And the answer is the same… extreme stupidity.

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.

4/27/05 Theo Epstein sings "Soon it's Going to Rain" from the Fantasticks

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Remarkably, Jose’s reaction to the call up of Lenny DiNardo is exactly the same as the one Marge Simpson had when Homer informed her that his friend Lenny was being taken to the hospital following the explosion of a cooling tank. “Oh no. not Lenny. Not Lenny!!!” Unfortunately, while Marge was reacting a lie Homer told to cover up his evening of bowling, Jose is almost certain that Lenny DiNardo has really been called up (note: after all, he did pitch last night) and it is not just an elaborate ruse cooked up by Theo so he can ditch the ballgame and go knock down some pins.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/26/05 -- Antipope vs. KITH Sketch Subject II

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Oops… Now Jose’s done it. Things were going just fine around here. Jose was getting about 1,000 hits a day, he was having a good time writing, you were having a good time reading, skimming or ignoring; everything was great for everyone.

But Jose couldn’t leave well enough alone. Much like George Steinbrenner, he had to tinker, to jostle his product for no reason other than a need to feel like he was doing something. So Jose went and tried to pick a fight with the Boston Globe, which as best Jose understands is a newsletter of some kind.

And now Jose has cost someone her job. Not cool. All Jose has ever wanted to do is make people laugh, kill time, and become the first “Jose Melendez” listed when one googles the name (note: he is), but somewhere along the line he went mad with influence (note: not power… power launches battleships, Jose can’t do that… yet). Much like President Bush’s economic policies and the 2001 Red Sox, Jose started costing people their jobs. And it doesn’t feel good.
Many of you probably saw the final column of Globe Ombudsman Christine Chinlund yesterday. Officially Chinlund said that she resigned because the ombudsman’s chair, much like the Red Sox manger’s chair, comes with a three year maximum stay. It was nice of the Globe to give her a dignified exit like that, but, sadly, Jose knows better. With only three to six enormous leaps of faith and logic one can easily discover that she was, in fact, driven out by enormous pressure from Jose’s People.
How did it all come to this? After the Globe Ombudsman’s office told Jose that they do not review self-published books, Jose did his best impression of Curt Euro and moped and raged and wrote late into the night until the solution became clear – let’s get a whole bunch of people to send emails to the Globe. In addition to being a former relief pitcher and blogger, Jose is a professional organizer, so the idea of organizing a mailing campaign was completely natural to him. After all, in politics there is a saying “One letter is a crackpot, five is a movement, 10 is a crisis.” Jose figured the same probably holds true for periodicals.

Apparently, many of you fine people heeded Jose’s call and sent emails demanding that the Globe explain its sensible and well-conceived discrimination against the crackpots who self-published books. Jose knows for a fact that at least nine of you became part of Jose’s coalition of the willing and if you add those nine emails to Jose’s one, we have ten… crisis city.

Faced with enormous pressure, the Globe sent out a response.

From: ombud@globe.com
To: XXXXX Subject:
Re: Query
Sent: Monday, April 25, 2005 9:54 AM

The Globe's books editor peruses every book that arrives in the office,
and makes judgments about what will be reviewed. There is no formal policy
against self-published books, but authors do themselves no marketing favors in
going that route nationally. The odds are high against self-published
books being reviewed, yes, but the odds are high against most books
generally. We can review about 25 books a week out of the more than 400
that arrive, so we are quite limited in our space.

All we can promise is that we'll examine each book carefully.

Do you hear that? Do you hear that off in the distance? Summertime must be coming, because that sounds like flip flops. Just one week ago the Globe told Jose “Sorry, the Globe does not review self published books.” And now? Now they have “no formal policy against self-published books.” Not only has the Globe flip flopped on whether or not they will review self-published books, but also on the issue of whether “self-published” is hyphenated or not. In both cases the good guys won.

Which brings us back to Ms. Chinlund. Ms. Chinlund was forced out because she forgot that the job of the ombudsman is to represent the people and Jose’s readers are the people. Well, they are people anyway, if not “the people.” Jose is pretty sure none of his readers are chimps, really smart dogs, dolphins or aliens.

So the Ombudsman’s office has learned a lesson: To paraphrase Margaret Mead, never doubt that thoughtless, poorly organized, nominally committed group of citizens can change the world in some small, meaningless way. (Note: maybe next Jose should organize a letter writing campaign to umpire Greg Gibson demanding that he stop being such a jerk). It’s an important lesson.

But Jose has learned a lesson too. If one wants his book reviewed, it helps to send it to the reviewer. Go figure.

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.

4/25/05 -- Wells vs. Chen

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. A few weeks ago, Jose vowed to develop a change up, in order to counter the fact that his punch lines had gotten as predictable as a Tom Gordon fastball in October. People, specifically the Melendezette, were starting to time his pitches. Jose’s initial thought was that knock knock jokes might be a way to mix it up, but it turns out that knock knock jokes aren’t funny... ever. Jose telling a knock knock joke is a little like a lefty throwing a curve ball to Manny; it might sound like a good idea, but if one thinks about it for more than 30 seconds, it becomes clear that it’s a really bad idea. Then, if one goes through with it anyway, the results are typically disastrous.

Consider this:

Jose: Knock knock.

Straight Man: Who’s there?

Jose: Derek.

Straight Man: Derek who?

Jose: Derek Jeter is a good offensive short stop, but he is a defensive liability who is badly overrated by the New York and National press.

See. While that is true, that is not funny. The only thing even vaguely funny is using the term “straight man” in a joke about Derek Jeter.

So Jose figured he’d need to try something else for his backup pitch, perhaps some riddles.

Q: Why did David Ortiz cross the road?
A: Because Dale Sveum gave him the green light even though there were no outs, the fly ball was way to shallow and a car was completely ignoring a stop sign and rushing forward at 75 mph.

Q: Why did Jason Giambi throw a clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time... Oh... No, wait. Roid rage. The answer is roid rage.

Q: How many Yankees does it takes to screw in a light bulb.
A: None. If Steinbrenner owns the light bulbs they’re already screwed.

Q: How many Red Sox does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: Who needs light bulbs, the Red Sox are already well lit by the gentle glow of victory.

Those are marginally better than the knock knock jokes, but the effort was still, as one of Sam Melendez’s professors would say, “slightly worse than abysmal.”

So after that failed Jose really sat down and thought about what is making people laugh these days, and then it hit him– observational humor. Okay, so it was more making people laugh inn 1997ish than now, but it’s all Jose got... that or gross out humor. So let’s give observational humor a try.

What’s the deal with the .406 Club? It’s not really a club. You don’t have to apply for membership. It doesn’t have passwords or secret handshakes. Heck, you don’t even have to have hit .406 to get in. On the other hand, it is better than when they called it the 600 Club. The 600 Club sounded like it was a club for people who are pretty self righteous, but not quite self righteous enough to make it to the 700 Club.

How was that? Not great was it? Well, it’s back to throwing fastballs for Jose. More badly out of date Cesar Crespo jokes and nicknames no one quite gets coming up!


For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.

4/23/05 -- Obey the Prime Directive

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Tonight it the first night of Passover, the feast of unleavened bread (note: and four cups of wine. Any religion that has a holiday ordering what the American Medical Association calls "binge drinking" is okay with Jose.) Every year, Jose finds that one of the most poignant moments of the Seder service is the commemoration of the plagues. Because Pharaoh would not free the Jews, God punished all Egyptians with 10 plagues ranging from, the relatively benign (frogs), to the gross (boils) to the truly horrible (death of the first born). Each Jew remember these plagues and the fact that the Egyptians, who are human being too, had to suffer by dipping a finger in red wine 10 times and placing a drop on his plate, one time for each of the plagues.

Empathy is good. It binds us together as human beings and keeps us moral far more effectively than the fear of God. But empathy is much easier to come by when your side is on top. This year, we, as Red Sox fans are on top, so Jose asks you to join him in remembering the ten plagues of October and the suffering of Yankees fans, who, after all are still human beings... technically. So let’s take our glasses of red wine and get ready to dip.

Millar’s walk
Roberts’ steal
Mueller’s hit
Ortiz’s walk off homer
Tony Clark’s ground rule double
Wakefield’s brilliant relief
Ortiz’s walk off single
The umpires’ reversal of the "no home run" call
The umpires’ reversal of the slap call
The Sox come back from 3-0 to clinch at Yankee Stadium

Now, DRINK THE FIRST CUP OF WINE.

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/22/05 – Wake Catches TB Again

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose can’t stop thinking about this Gary Sheffield/Christopher House situation. He wants to; he’s not really interested in it; he doesn’t care. But people just can’t shut up about it.

What really gets Jose, as he mention two days ago, is that it is actually illegal to punch Gary Sheffield in the face. Come on!!! This is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, not the Commonwealth of Let’s Embrace Our Enemies and Be Nice and All Get Along. But there is a solution.

Under the Massachusetts General Laws, or Constitution or something, every Massachusetts citizen has the right to file a bill in the legislature. Your legislator doesn’t have to support the bill or even sponsor it, but he is legally obligated to file it under your name. When Jose worked at the State House, he remembers two such bills, one to “ban the teaching of the religion of secularism in public schools” and another to allow parents to decline to vaccinate their children even if they don’t have any medical or religious objection. So you know it’s good for serious mainstream issues.

It’s also good for getting things made the official state whatever. Jose has long wanted to file a bill that would make “They Came to Boston” by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones the Official State Ska-Core Song, though he worries it would face serious opposition west of 495. Jose’s brother Sam also had an idea to file a bill that would make it legal to punch someone in the face for talking on one of those annoying cell phone walkie talkies. It’s not that it would be illegal to use one of those phones, it’s just that if you did, other people would have the right to punch you in the face. This proposal is sort of the inspiration for Jose’s latest legislative idea.

An Act Relative to the Punching in the Face of Yankees Right Fielders

Whereas the World Champion Boston Red Sox are among the most cherished of Massachusetts institutions, the Commonwealth’s premiere tourist attraction and a source of great civic pride; and

Whereas the baseball organization know as the New York Yankees has long been the arch enemy of said source of civic pride; and

Whereas the members of said New York Yankees are known to be of low character, questionable hygiene and ill-temper; and

Whereas the members of said New York Yankees who play the position of right field have in the past assaulted citizens of the Commonwealth and are know to be motherfudgers; and

Whereas the doctrine of preemptive attack is an significant part of the public discourse and American foreign policy in the year 2005; be it Resolved that all citizens of the Commonwealth shall have the right to strike a blow to any member of said New York Yankees who plays the position of right field or has played the position of right field in the face without fear of prosecution. This statute shall be limited to blows to the face and shall not by misconstrued to cover blows to the groin, kidneys or back of the neck.

It may have some issues with equal protection under the law, but that could probably be solved by expanding it to left fielders. Other than that, it’s tight. Now if one filed this at the beginning of a session (note: the next one starts in December 2006) the Legislature would have to give it a hearing. Really. However, if we file it now, since it is a late filed bill, it would get sent to the Committee on Rules where it would languish unless we could get the Committee to report it out.

Still, if there are any Patriots out there with far too much time on your hands call your state representative today!

See the full KEYS at www.wallballsingle.com

4/21/05 Antipope vs. KITH Sketch Subject

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

When the white smoke streamed from the Vatican chimney on Thursday, Jose is certain that many of his readers, perhaps some of whom stood with the jubilant masses in St. Peter’s Square itself, waited nervously for Matthew Paul Clement to emerge as Pope Clement XV dressed in the traditional home white vestments. And then, as the world waited for the first Pope with a 90+ mph fastball since Pius III to step forth, something happened. Something unexpected.

Out came a 78 year old German whose name is perilously close to the guy who played Cliff on Cheers and can barely break 80 on the radar gun. (Note: Not that radar guns are reliable for any magistrate’s reading this.)

Jose knows a lot of you, Catholic and otherwise, are bitterly disappointed, both with the fact that the fact that the College of Cardinals bypassed Clement and the fact that Jose’s insights into the opaque world of Vatican politics were so badly flawed. To you Jose says “Keep the Faith!!!” This is not over, Jose concedes nothing.

While the mainstream media has yet to realize it, we are at the beginning of the third Great Schism in the history of the Church. The first occurred in 1045 when Pope Leo IX and Patriarch Michael I excommunicated each other, splitting Christendom into Catholicism and Orthodoxy.

The second more relevant schism, known as the Western Schism, came in 1378 when the papacy returned to Rome following 73 years in Avignion, France, where the Pope served largely at the pleasure of the French King. The first Pope elected following the return to Rome was Pope Urban VI, a basically competent guy who went mad with power, sort of like Dan Duquette, so the College of Cardinals decided to elect another Pope Clement VII to replace Urban VI even though he was not technically dead.
The two popes excommunicated each other, as was the custom at the time, and then the Cardinals picked a third pope Alexander V who was rapidly succeeded by John XXIII. So now you had three popes running around excommunicating each other. Somehow it all worked out in the end, but rather than Jose running on and on about it, you can read about it at wikipedia which is where Jose has been paraphrasing from anyway. (Note to Peter Gammons: See, if you remember to cite in the original article the first time, one need not face embarrassing, and unfair, plagiarism accusations and print undignified corrections.)

This brings us to today… Thursday. Jose has in on good authority that a faction of Cardinals (note: possibly the St. Louis Cardinals, but Cardinals nevertheless) is going to acknowledge Clement as the true supreme pontiff this afternoon, thereby setting up rival power centers in the church, a Rome papacy and a Boston papacy. In the schismatic tradition, the two popes should start referring to each other as the antipope soon thereafter. (Note: Is the antipope made of antimatter? If he were to touch the real pope would they explode? Jose is pretty sure there was a lot of antimatter in the Vatican thriller Angels and Demons; how did Dan Brown not address this?)

So be not disappointed. Matthew Paul Clement will pitch tonight for the first time as Pope (or Antipope) Clement XV. Look for the traditional gray road vestments and puffs of white smoke coming off of his fastballs.

For more visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/20/05 -- Wells vs. Chen

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.


Advocate a full public accounting of the Globe’s ban on reviewing self-published books. Write to ombud@globe .com!!! (Note: If you get a reply, let Jose know at keystothegame@hotmail.com).

Congratulations to Tim Wakefield for signing what is effectively a lifetime contract with the Red Sox and far more importantly, for making Jose look like a genius.

It’s easy for Jose to say that Wakefield is his all time favorite Red Sox now that he has ten years of distinguished service with the team including three spectacular innings of relief in Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS, but it was true in 1995 too. It was in 1995, that Jose proudly used his 10 percent Fenway employee discount to drop almost two days pay on an authentic Tim Wakefield road jersey. Who knew at the time that Wakefield would be the last member of the 1995 AL East Champions to remaining with the team? Jose knew, that’s who. (Note: Trot Nixon has been with the organization longer, but not with the Major League club.)

While other fans have been forced to deface or retire their Vaughn, Clemens and Nomar jerseys, Jose has worn his Wakefield jersey year after year after year, secure in the knowledge that he will never have to remove the name or the number, each of which added $20 to the price of the garment.

In fact, Jose can only think of two decisions in his entire life that were as shrewd as the purchase of that jersey. The first was buying a tuxedo for his junior prom. Jose has worn that thing so many times that it’s saved him a fortune. The key is getting the adjustable waist and the shawl cut. While proper lapels get wider and narrow with fashion, the shawl always stays the same. With a shawl cut tuxedo, one is never in style, but one is also never out of style. Actually, this is Jose’s life philosophy. He is never completely in vogue but never completely out of vogue either. Jose’s second shrewd decision was choosing the moniker “Jose Melendez” rather than “Dario Veras.” I’m Dario Veras and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME. See… no rhythm at all.

For the full KEYS, visit www.wallballsingle.com.

4/19/05 -- Balki vs. Halladay

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose is getting upset with the Boston Globe. Not only do they keep Dan Shaughnessy on staff, not only do they continue to run Mallard Filmore, not only did they run a story today headlined “Real men exfoliate,” but they confirmed today, that they are completely and utterly without a sense of humor.

As you may recall, Jose sent a quipy email to the Globe Ombudsman asking if they had a policy against reviewing self-published books.
What he got in return was this.

“Sorry, the Globe does not review self published books.”

That’s it. One terse sentence. One terse, boring, unfunny sentence. No shtick, no dialogue, just one crummy sentence that says what it means in the smallest possible number of words. Leave it to journalistic training to crush the fun out of answering email.

If Jose was answering email for the Ombudsman’s office, he could have come up with any number of snappier answers. Consider the following:

Sorry, the Globe does not, as a matter of policy, review the ravings of lunatics, with the noteworthy exception of Bill Lee.

Sorry, the Globe does not review elf published books. (Note: That would be some great typo humor for Lord of the Rings Fans.)

Sorry, the Globe does not review the work of anyone more talented than Dan Shaughnessy, thus our book review consists largely of reviews of the novels of Jackie Collins.

Sorry, the Globe does not respond to the emails of self published auth—I’ve said too much already.

The point is that the Globe should really listen to what Jose says, and take his advice. The fact that they stubbornly cling to the professional standards of the industry is just crazy. It’s like Terry Eurona refusing to take advice from the drunkards on the first base line or Gary Sheffield failing to acknowledge the fans’ insightful observation that “he sucks.” After all, why would we, as fans, be on the sidelines in both baseball and newspaper publishing unless we had such mastery of the subjects that to actually be involved for a living would be no challenge whatsoever? Surely not because we lack aptitude.

But we live in a democratic age, where the awesome power of the “Internet” has given every crank the ability to make his voice heard. So here is what Jose proposes to do. He proposes to organize an email campaign to the Globe Ombudsman asking for a full and public accounting of why they won’t review self-published books. Jose’s goal is NOT to get his book reviewed. All that would accomplish is getting him a bad review. His goal is only to demonstrate his awesome power to annoy. As soon as we are done with the Globe, Jose promises he will organize the Internet email campaign to get Blaine Neal to throw more strikes.

So if you want to modestly inconvenience a major newspaper, send some version of the following note to ombud@globe.com.

Dear ombudsman,

It has recently come to my attention that the Globe, as a matter of policy, does not review self-published books. What’s up with that? At least five people would like to know why, so if you could address it in the Ombudsman column, that would be super.

Your pal,

NAME

If the Red Sox have taught us anything, it is that, if they work together, 25 Idiots can accomplish anything. Unfortunately, most of Jose’s readers are not Idiots, so we don’t have much of a chance, but there’s no harm in trying anyway.

For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/18/05 -- Red Sox Day 11AM Start

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Uggh…we’ve heard a lot about how this 11 AM start may not be ideal for night owl Curt Euro, but little has been written about how problematic it is for Jose as well. In order to be able to post by 11 AM, Jose needed to be up at nine so he would have time to get the papers, buy a cup of coffee, read the papers, do some stretches to limber up is fingers and actually write the KEYS. Also, he was kept up last night by the sounds of activity at Old North Church outside his kitchen window. He saw the one lantern in the steeple, which means that the BJays came in by land. That’s a long trip in a bus or a train. Jose would have expected them to fly. So the good news is that they’re probably even more tired than Jose.

Anyway, Jose isn’t looking to dazzle today, he’s just hoping to get by and then have enough juice left to make it through at least a few innings before he crashes on the couch. (Note: Would greenies help? Jose read the piece in the Globe yesterday and they sound pretty helpful. Thank God baseball focused on trying to silence Jim Bouton 30 years ago rather than cleaning up the game. It’s really paid dividends.)

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/17/05 - Wake vs. Kazmir

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose spent a chilly evening at the ballpark last night sitting in the prohibitionary "family section," sections 32 and 33 of the left field grandstand, where a beer at the ball game is every bit as forbidden as the traditional crack pipe at the seventh inning stretch. But how does making it alcohol free make it a family section? One fan sitting near Jose pointed out quite rightly that if they really want it to be a family section, they should only charge $10 for tickets. No, in truth it is not really the family section, but the Women’s Christian Temperance Section. Actually, as long as they have a twenties mindset regarding alcohol in sections 32 and 33, perhaps they should adopt some other twenties features as well. Surely, no one would object to mandatory flapper dresses for women sitting there? And the concession stands are already a good approximation of bread lines anyway.

Of course with prohibition in effect in left field, the opening of a left field grandstand speakeasy is, perhaps, inevitable. Jose would love to be the left field beer baron, he just needs to come up with a way to sneak in enough booze to meet demand past Nobel laureate Steven Chin and the rest of Fenway Park’s crack security staff. (Note: With the last name Chin, shouldn’t Steven Chin be running the left field bootlegging operation? He could go by the name Stevie the Chin.) So far the only ideas Jose has come up with is putting a baseball cap on a keg and claiming it’s a kid in a wheelchair… which is just morally wrong, or some sort of deal where Jose claims that the keg is an iron lung that he needs to live. Obviously there is a reason that Jose is not yet a beer baron.

For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com

4/16/05 – The Next Pope vs. Some Dope

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose makes his season debut tonight, attending the game with SoSH poster Lushess255, best known for his appearance in the upper right hand corner of some photos of Friday night’s unpleasantness. Last year Lushess255 sent out a Christmas card that showed him looking out over the Fenway field in a contemplative pose. Somehow, Jose suspects that his Christmas card this year will show him screaming with blood lust for Sheffield and the offending fan to throw down. Both are good images for the holiday season.

Jose makes his debut tonight amidst significant concern over how he ended last season. Jose’s 2004 was a lot like Kevin Millar’s 2003. He started off red hot, going 8-1 and then ended the year a horrific, 0-4 including a disastrous 19-8 loss to the Yankees in Game 3 of the ALCS. (Note: Okay, so we know now that it wasn’t disastrous, but it sure seemed like it at the time.)

So the question tonight is will we see the good Jose from the first three quarters of 2004 or the bad, burnt out Jose from the stretch run. Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain – if Jose doesn’t start winning, his demands that John W. Henry give him free tickets to promote good karma will fall on deaf ears. Of course, even if they win Jose’s first 10 games, his pleas will still fall on deaf ears, so actually there’s no difference. Never mind. Please disregard this KEY.

For the full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com

4/15/05 – Turning Japanese vs. Eating Japanese, and Chinese, and Italian, and Greek, and then some Beers

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

The news report on WBUR this morning said that the Red Sox 8-5 win over the Yankees was “overshadowed” by the incident in right field? Overshadowed? OVEERSHADOWED?!? That’s just bad reporting from the normally workmanlike BUR crew.

The Reds Sox knock around Randy Johnson and they think it was overshadowed by a little slap in right field? Nothing could have overshadowed last night’s game. If there had been a Beatle’s reunion during the seventh inning stretch, it wouldn’t have overshadowed last night’s game. And keep in mind that the reunion would have included the shocking resurrections of John Lennon and George Harrison, finally giving legitimacy to their claim that they are “bigger than Jesus.”

Still, the unruliness in right field may prove to be historically significant. Jose thought the odds were that the fan who may or may not have taken a swing at Sheffield would be sent to The Hague on war crimes charges, and Jose’s friend Jamie said that Rick Sutcliffe had already nominated the security guard who courageously jumped in to the stands for a Nobel Peace Prize. While the Hague seems a bit much, the Nobel makes some sense to Jose. After all, that security guard has already done far more to encourage world peace than Nobel laureate Yasser Arafat.

Check out the rest of the KEYS at wallballsingle.com

4/14/05 – Champs vs. Just Another Team

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. On Sunday, Jose wrote a letter to Katherine A. Powers, who wrote the Boston Globe’s review of 347 different Red Sox books on Sunday, none of which was “Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME 2004.”
That evening, Jose received the following response from Ms. Powers.

Dear Mr Melendez,
I am sure you are correct about the number or lack of it
of Dan Shaughnessy’s fans. If your book is as funny as your letter, I’m sorry I
haven’t seen it or read it or however one goes about taking it in. The Globe
won’t touch self-published books, so I can’t do it in the future, but I’ll look
at your Web site soon for my own entertainment. Carry on! Katherine P.

(Note: Did she mean for this to be published? Who knows? But since Jose is a “journalist” and she didn’t say “off the record” it counts. Sweet.)

It’s a classy response. It rips Dan Shaughnessy; it praises Jose – what’s not to like? Oh yes, the part where it says the Boston Globe won’t touch self-published books. Well, as best Jose recalls, occasional contributors don’t set policy, so the congenial Ms. Powers can hardly be blamed for this. Thus, Jose will go on to the next stop, Christine Chinlund, The Boston Globe Ombudsman.

Dear Ombudsperson,
Hi. This is Jose Melendez. You know, Jose Melendez, blogger, author, pseudonym, third person voice enthusiast. Oh, you don’t know? Well, that probably makes sense, as Jose is merely a self-published author and therefore, does not, according to Globe standards, technically exist. Dan Shaughnessy technically exists, Stewart O’Nan technically exists, heck, even Lou Gorman technically exists. But Jose Melendez? He’s an apparition at best.

But enough hinting, let’s get down to actual context. Jose sent an email to Katherine A. Powers on Sunday, a copy of which is attached below, inquiring as to why she did not review the acclaimed “Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME 2004” in her fine survey of Red Sox books. (Note: Acclaimed, not critically acclaimed. Jose can give you a list of people who have acclaimed it, but, as best he knows, none of them are critics.) Jose was mostly joking, as there was no way Ms. Powers would be familiar with Jose’s book if she was not among the literally scores of people who purchased it. (Note: Or unless she was one of the thousands who has read him on the famous “Internet” at http://www.wallballsingle.com.) Jose was not really expecting anything out of this exchange except one more day of material for his blog, but then Ms. Powers wrote a response that was not only kind, but informative. She said that even if she had heard of Jose’s book, she couldn’t have reviewed it, as the Globe “won’t touch self-published books.”

At first, Jose took this response with good humor. How could Jose possibly expect his book to be reviewed if it hadn’t been published by a reputable publishing house? After all, publishing houses add so much value to literature and take only a large share of the profits in return. Publishing houses ensure that the contents of a book, such as Jose Canseco’s best seller “Juiced,” are completely true. Publishing houses make certain that each book is well-researched, like each of those quickie O.J. books. Yes, who should we rely on to tell us what is newsworthy if not the publishing houses? Surely not the Boston Globe. And how could Jose possibly expect his book to merit consideration without first squeezing through their well-maintained gate.

So does the Globe really have a policy against reviewing self-published books? If so, thank you. Thank you for saving Jose from a scathing review of his poorly researched, typo-riddled, laugh-a-thon. Thank you for sparing him the embarrassment of having the Globe decline to review his book because it is of questionable merit, seldom read and unavailable in stores. Thank you for allowing him to claim that the only reason it didn’t warrant a review is that it is part of an entire delegitimized class of literature. “Don’t blame Jose for writing a lousy book, blame the Globe for its editorial tyranny!” That’s Jose’s motto now. The excuse soothes the pain. And thank you for doing your efforts to prop up the virtuous and fair publishing industry that gives so little and asks so much.

Seriously. Life is much easier this way. And since Jose’s nifty little volume is tawdry, mean, and factually-suspect, the Herald is probably a more appropriate venue anyway. The review would fit in nicely between the stories on water skiing dogs and the latest flirtation between Brad Pitt and Marjorie Eagen or whoever.
Your pal,
Jose Melendez

P.S. In the event that the Globe has no such policy against reviewing self-published books, sorry about that whole rant. On second though, even if the Globe does have the policy, sorry about the rant.

For today's complete KEYS, check out http://www.wallballsingle.com.

4/13/05 - C. Euro vs. J. Wright

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose had planned something else for this first KEY. To be honest, when he started writing these KEYS, he hadn’t seen the ring ceremony yet. He was at a meeting in Fall River during the ceremony and he missed it. He just got to see it on the replay at 11PM Tuesday night. He figured that he could write a few quick KEYS about it, get some laughs, or not, no problem.

But things changed. He actually watched the ceremony. And it mattered to him. It really mattered to him. Jose had thought that after the long, wonderful winter, he had worked the sentimentality out of his system, that while the joy of the championship remained immeasurable, that overwhelming emotion of the night they won, even the overwhelming emotion of the following week, was gone forever. And then the team started coming out. Terry Eurona came out looking healthy and strong. Megatron Lowe came out wearing a BU cap. David Ortiz came out and reminded everyone that he is the greatest clutch hitter in Red Sox history. Red Sox legend Dave Roberts came out and was reminded that his one little steal was greater than all of Ricky Henderson’s put together. Chang Lee came out and got one of the most perplexingly large ovations of the afternoon. Curt Euro came out walking effortlessly in clean white socks. And Johnny Pesky? Johnny Pesky, the man who has spent more time with this organization than any other, the man who exemplifies what it is to be a Red Sox came out and got the ring that he earned, got the ring that he deserved… And it all came back, the joy, the exhilaration, the sense that a great burden was gone and that the world had begun anew.

For one little hour, this silly little ceremony with the shiny baubles and spunky songs, the old friends and the rippling banners brought it all back. For one hour it was October 27, 2004 again, and God did it feel good.

For today's full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com

4/11/05 -- Home Opener, Champs vs. Not the Champs

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Today is the day. Today is the day that we have waited for 86 years. Empires have risen and fallen, ideologies have been tested, space has been explored and through it all we have waited. We have waited and waited and waited and Godot never quite arrived. And today, today Godot not only arrives, but he sits down and buys us a beer. At long last we wall have our chance to see men fawn over jewelry as though they were women swarming around the desk of a newly engaged colleague.

Everyone is looking forward to the ring ceremony but few know what it actually entails. Yes, the Red Sox will have some star sing the national anthem, and the big American Flag and hopefully WWF Champion John Cena to throw out the first pitch, but none of those events is actually part of the ring ceremony itself. The ring ceremony itself is a holy sacrament where a permanent bond is formed between man and championship a bond that can never be broken. Some of the departed players like Pedro may go to Las Vegas for a quickie ring ceremony, but Jose believes that the players still with the team as well as a few old friends like Ellis Burks, Curtis Leskanic and Megatron Lowe are doing it the right way, surrounded by family and friends.

The ceremony, as one might expect, requires both a flower girl and ring bearer for each player. The flower girl strews rose petals before the feet of the player as he walks down the first base line and the ring bearer carries the ring behind him on a velvet pillow.
The ring is then presented by a minister, rabbi, priest, imam, judge, justice of the peace, major league baseball official or bartender empowered by the state of Massachusetts to bind man to championship. Before receiving his ring, each player recites vows. Some will write their own vows, but the classic version goes:

"I [state your name], do solemnly swear to take this ring , to be the symbol of my championship. To have but seldom to wear, to keep in a safe deposit box except for special occasions, to not sell on my Web site until the IRS is really closing in on me, in slumps and in streaks, on the DL and in active duty, whether starting or riding the pine, so long as I shall live."

At that point the officiant slips the ring on the player’s finger and declares, "And with the power invested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Major League Baseball and Shreve, Crump and Lowe, I now pronounce you man and championship. (Note: Shouldn’t they change the name to Shreve, Crump and Megatron?)

And this will happen once for each player, coach, trainer and management official tomorrow. It should only take six or seven hours. See why Jose isn’t resentful that he doesn’t have tickets?

For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com.

4/10/05 - Clement XV vs. Li-lly, Li-lly

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The vaunted Red Sox spin machine broke down this morning as Dr. Charles Steinberg stepped into some very turbulent waters on WEEI’s Sunday morning baseball show.

11:10 AM – Steinberg describes the Red Sox’s plans to have a large number of old players on the field in uniform for the ceremonies at the beginning of the opening day game.

11:12 AM – The insipid hosts complement Steinberg and the Red Sox for having the vision to invite old players back for opening day.

11:13 AM – Steinberg says (note: Jose was walking through Boston Common, and didn’t have a pad, so this is not an exact quote.) that he thinks every Major League team should have a “right of return” for former players.

11:14 AM – CLANG!!! The alarm bells ring in Israel and the occupied territories as the magic words are uttered.

11:25 AM – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas (note: also called Abu Mazen) holds a press conference stating that all Palestinians are descended from members of a 14th Century Major League team in Jerusalem called the Palestine Martyrs, and as such, all Palestinians have a right of return as confirmed by Dr. Steinberg. Moreover, Abbas demands that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays be relocated to East Jerusalem.

11:50 AM – AIPAC holds a press conference condemning Dr. Steinberg’s comments, calling for a retraction and asking Jewish Third Baseman Kevin Youkilis to public condemn Steinberg’s comments.

11:53 AM – Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announces a plan to bring the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to West Jerusalem.

12:03 PM – The Government of Greece, still confused by Billy Beane’s “Greek God of Walks” comment, calls on Youkilis to condemn continued Turkish occupation of one-third of Cyprus.

12:25 AM – Blogger Jose Melendez fictionalizes an account of a Middle East controversy arising from Steinbergs comments because the situation in the Middle East is marginally less discouraging than David Wells’ performance thus far.

For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsigle.com

4/9/05 - Boston vs. Team Confusion

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME...

3. The BJays are now the most confusing team in the majors. First, they have both Frank Catalanotto and Frank Menechino. Jose cannot remember which is which. Who played for the As? Which is the one that always kills the Sox? Couldn’t they just call them Frank Infield and Frank Outfield? That would be easier. But they had both Franks (note: Euros) last year, so what is it that sets them aside as the single most confusing team in baseball in 2005? That would be the addition of Cory Koskie. Or was it Eric Hinskie? For whatever reason, Jose cannot keep the two of them straight. Presumably it is because they are both third baseman, both have names ending in "ie" and have both killed Jose in fantasy leagues. And now they’re on the same team, except one of them, God only knows which one, is playing third base.

(Note: Speaking of third basemen, the BJays have three third basemen in their starting lineup, Koskie, Hinskie and Hillenbrand. Are they trying to set a record? If so, Jose hopes they bring back Kelly Gruber. That guy was Mr. Blue Jay, and, as best Jose knows, the only Blue Jay who was ever the center of a Kids in the Hall Sketch. Also Ed Sprague… they should bring him back too.)

But the confusing BJays roster is no accident. No, no!!! Jose is convinced that BJays GM J.P. Riccardi is trying to compensate for a below average roster by trying to confuse his opponents. He probably figures that if opposing pitchers can’t remember which guy is at the plate, they won’t remember whether to throw him fastballs inside or sliders down and away. Riccardi, a Worcester native probably leaned this strategy by watching Sox GM Lou Gorman operate in the early 1990s. Gorman made a run at being the most confusing team in baseball, when he sought to add Greg W. Harris and Mark Gardner to Greg A. Harris and Mike Gardner. (Note: Or was it the other way around?) The attempt failed, so the confusion theory was never attempted. Jose figures that Riccardi is just handling Gorman’s unfinished business.
So look for Riccardi to acquire all three Molina brothers before the trading deadline; it’s the logical move, after all.

For today's full KEYS please visit wallballsingle.com.

4/8/05 - Balki vs. Bush

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Yesterday, Jose got the first speeding ticket of his life. Needless to say, Jose is innocent and plans on contesting the ticket. However, since Johnnie Cochran is recently deceased, Jose will be forced to defend himself.

Jose is not a lawyer, a paralegal or even a legal secretary, but he does have a few ideas for innovative strategies to get the ticket thrown out. As you might imagine, Jose’s legal strategy, like everything else in Jose’s life, is baseball related.

Jose’s first strategy will be to raise doubts about the accuracy of the radar gun that clocked him at 80mph with a dazzling video presentation. As Exhibit A, Jose will introduce a tape of Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Before a stunned courtroom (note: or magistrate’s office… whatever) Jose will play video from the infamous eight inning that shows the radar gun clocking Pedro’s fastball at 97 mph. You know he wasn’t throwing 97, Jose knows he wasn’t throwing 97, the judge magistrate knows he wasn’t throwing 97... EVERYBODY BUT GRADY KNOWS HE WAN’T THROWING 97. And yet there it is – 97 on the radar gun. Geez… it makes those radar guns seem a little suspect doesn’t it? Moreover, to trust the accuracy of the radar gun would be to validate Grady Little, and who wants to do that?

But what if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan? What if it’s Tony Castrati’s cousin and he still believes Grady was right? Thankfully Jose has a second strategy, a strategy based not on evidence, but on logic.

Let us suppose for a moment that Jose was going 80 mph. (Note: He was not.) Let us also suppose that radar guns are more science than voodoo. Who is to say that 80 mph is “too fast.” Now, lawyers might say that the Massachusetts General Laws says that 80 is too fast, but the General Laws also say that “Say Hello to Someone from Massachusetts” by Lenny Gomulka and Chicago Push is our official state polka, so what do they know.

As Red Sox fans know all too well, B.K. Kim’s fastball has been about 84 mph for the past year. It has been universally agreed upon that at 84 mph, his fastball is simply “too slow.” If the radar gun was correct, then Jose was still driving 4 mph slower than a BK Kim fastball. So how can it be that 84 mph is too slow, but 80 mph is too fast? Answer: It can’t. Jose’s web of logic is inescapable. If B.K. Kim’s fastball is too slow, then it is impossible that Jose was driving too fast.

And what if that doesn’t work? What if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan who loves B.K. Kim? Then Jose will stand up like a man, take his medicine, and blame it all on the flow of traffic.

For today's full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com.

3/6/05 -- Wake vs. Mussina

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Let’s talk about corporate consolidation. Come on… it beats talking about yesterday’s crummy outcome.

Corporate consolidation is a big deal. As big companies buy other big companies, corporate stalwarts fall by the wayside, jobs disappear and local ownership becomes a hazy memory of a distant age – like the .400 hitter or Tom Gordon’s curveball.

Boston has been hit particularly hard by corporate consolidation. The most recent examples are the purchase of Gillette by Proctor and Gamble and the purchase of Filene’s by Macy’s, but it’s nothing new. Remember when Macy’s bought Jordan Marsh or when Bank of America bought FleetBank, which bought BankBoston which bought Bay Bank? (Note: Jose predicts that within 15 years, there will be only one bank and it will just be called “Bank.”) Even our beloved Red Sox have out of town ownership, though thankfully, they have yet to merge with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The great fear, of course, is that Boston will become a mere “outlet town,” where our fate is completely controlled by robber barons in Charlotte. But let’s not fret. We are not alone. Even a world capital like New York suffers from the same problem. Yes, some of the Big Apple’s most cherished institutions are owned by out of towners. A Japanese company bought Rockefeller Center in the 1980s, Charlotte-based Bank of America ATMs are everywhere and now, as of yesterday, Mariano Rivera is wholly-owned by the Boston Red Sox.

For the full KEYS visist wallballsingle.com.

3/25/05 -- AL Newbie vs. AL Newbie

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. File under “The more things change.” After one loss, that’s right, one loss, the Boston media has already ended its love affair with the Boston Red Sox.

It’s only one game into the season and, apparently, we already know that David Wells is a bust, Edgar Renteria can’t hit with men on base and Red, White and Blaine Neal is the second coming of Bobby Jones. How bad has it gotten? Today the Boston Globe didn’t even have a Red Sox Notebook. The had a Celtics Notebook, they had an NCAA Men’s Notebook, they had an NCAA Women’s Notebook, they had a Masters Notebook, hell, they even had a Yankees Notebook, but no Red Sox notebook. So either the Globe needs to call up W.B. Mason and order some more office supplies (note: that’s right, the KEYS are doing product placement now. Revenue streams, baby!!!) or the Globe completely stiffed the World Champs.

For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com

The Herald is even worse. In between the latest pressing news about poolside catfights and sexy dressing Harvard librarians, they managed to sneak in a Tony Castrati column claiming that… get ready… the oceans are made of cotton candy!!! Okay, maybe not… but it was almost as absurd… it was an article claiming that Derek Jeter is the best player in baseball. (Note: Technically this was in the day before the catfights and librarians, but Jose would rely on Jaret Wright as a fifth starter before he would go through the Herald archives.)

Jose knows that with the Pope’s passing, some of us are thinking more about faith and the unseen world, but why, oh why, would God give us our senses and then urge us to ignore them and instead focus on ephemeral things like intangibles. How bad is this piece? It is so bad that Jose can’t even translate it because every line of the article would translate to “I don’t believe in statistical analysis, empirical evidence or even common sense. Instead, I will make absurd claims that are verifiably false.”

Are there legitimate questions about this Red Sox team? Sure there are, but there are legitimate questions about every team. For the Red Sox the questions are “Can they get enough out of their starting pitching?” and “Which way to the bar?” For the Yankees, by contrast, the questions are “Why can’t I have facial hair, I’m a grown man?” and “Where have mystique and aura gone? I liked them a lot better than Yankee Stadium’s two new residents, doubt and anxiety.”

4/3/05 -- Fat Man vs. Tall Man

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Welcome to Season Two of Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME. We are pleased to announce that Season One will soon be out on DVD including: Spanish and French dubbing, director’s commentary, deleted scenes and outtakes, such as one hysterical KEYS where Jose spelled "Mueller" as "Miller."

1. Once, Jose heard a big band jazz album (note: he believes it was Woody Herman, but maybe not) where the band leader, before playing his first chart, discussed how to open a set.

"There are two ways to open a set," said the bandleader. "The first is with a tremendous burst of energy, with a high-octane, flash bang, fast-paced chart, with big meaty chords that hit the audience like 50,000 volts." (Note: These are not actual quotes, but it works as a literary device.)

"But there is a second option. My option. I say that playing to an audience is like making love to a woman." For the benefit of Misters Jeter and Rodrigues, Jose will explain what "like making love to a woman" means. It means taking your time. It means being deliberate and passionate. It means laying back, sinking into the groove and letting the moment take its course. It is starting a set with "Willow Weep for Me" rather than "Take the A-Train."

Tonight, the Boston Red Sox open a set called the 2005 season. Their last set was the greatest in history. It was Dizzy and JJ and Coltrane and Myles together. It was Duke and the Count trading fours. But that set is over, and all that remains is the pleasant buzz of last night’s champagne and cigarettes, that blissful time before intoxication makes its inevitable transition to hangover. But today, there is another gig to make, another set to play. And the fans? They know what is possible. They know just how good it can be. The anticipation builds; the moment arrives. How would you open the set? The thunder of brass? Mellow tugs at the bass?

It is Red Sox vs. Yankees, Wells vs. Johnson, Varitek vs. A-Rod, Giambi vs. Nature.

No, this will not be like making love to a woman. Get ready for the brass.

For the complete KEYS visit wallballsingle

3/31/05 -- Red Sox vs. IRS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. So the B.K. Kim era in Boston is at last over and with it ends Jose’s long avoidance of learning to spell the righty’s full first name. Jose could learn how to spell Mientkeiwicz, but someone How Byung Hyo—well, whatever the hell it is, always escaped him.

And so in the final analysis, the Kim-Hillenbrand trade joins the elite company of the Cooper-Whiten trade and Jose’s trade of a Lou Whitaker card for a Bobby Thigpen card right after Thigpen set the single season save record among trades where each side thought it was ripping the other off.

The Sox sent Kim to Colorado for $315,000 of his salary paid and veteran catcher Charles Johnson who they immediately designated for assignment and then released in order to reap major tax benefits.

While the unsuccessful end of the Kim era is regrettable, the Red Sox have really done us a service in demonstrating how the acquisition and release of veteran players can defray one’s tax costs. For instance, Jose just discovered that he owes the federal government almost $1,000 this year, so he is now actively looking into acquiring either Todd Zeile or Robin Ventura in order to gain a valuable write off.

For the full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com

3/30/05 Remeberance of things past

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Was anyone really surprised that lefty specialist Mike Myers is returning to the Red Sox? Jose certainly wasn’t.
Jose does not watch horror movies. He doesn’t get why people pay good money to be scared; he thinks it’s sort of screwed up that people long to see grotesque violence, in fact, the only thing he knows about horror movies is that the psychotic is never truly vanquished. He never really dies or is imprisoned, he always comes back for more and more and more, sort of like Billy Martin in the old days. So why would anyone be surprised that Mike Myers, the star of the Halloween movies, has returned for a mere second time. The way Jose sees it, the Red Sox are due to reacquire him another two, three, perhaps seven times. (Note: They are also due to reacquire Freddy [Sanchez] and day now.)
So Hideki Matsui, Garrett Anderson be forewarned. One of these days, you’ll be minding your own business in the batter’s box and it will slowly creep up on you…slowly… you’ll check the signs… oh God it’s coming… you’ll steady your bat… it just keeps coming…. so slowly… and now it’s curving… and then, when you least expect it… STEEEERRIIKKEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Mike Myers has struck again.

For the full three keys visit the new home of KEYS wallballsingle.com

3/28/05 -- KEYS TO CHANGE

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE CHANGE.

1. It is with a fair modicum of sadness (note: as Mighty Thor would put it) that Jose must inform you, his faithful readers, that he is saying to hell with you all and moving on to greener pastures, up the food chain and any other number of clichés.

As you may recall, Jose once said he would never leave blogspot except to move closer to home. However, since Jose largely posts from home regardless of the site he is posting to, that promise is almost meaningless. Starting today, Jose will be posting at wallballsingle.com part of MVN (Note: The Most Valuable Network, not the Mt. Vernon Outland Airport.)

Jose wanted to end his career with blogspot, but they wouldn’t up their offer from zero dollars. That just didn’t show Jose a lot of respect.

This is probably a good thing for Jose. Over the course of the off season, he had stopped taking care of himself; the famous work ethic was gone and injury problems were beginning to emerge. Now, Jose will be motivated by a desire to prove the critics wrong. You said Jose was in the “twilight of his career.” Wait, that was Roger Clemens? Nevertheless, Jose will still prove you wrong.

But is it really a surprise that Jose sold out? It shouldn’t be. What should be surprising is how little he sold out for. As best he can tell, he sold out in return for a subscription to ESPN Insider – cash value: $15. So if any of you have a crisp $20 bill and want your own personal Red Sox blogger, definitely drop Jose a line.

But let’s not pretend this is all about Jose. (Note: This is all about Jose.) There will be many benefits to you the fan as well. For instance, Jose you will have access to an exclusive, subscription only “Jose Insider” service, which will offer choice tidbits to paying customers. If you want to hear trade rumors started by Jose’s drinking buddies (note: such as minor leaguer Shawn Wooten for former UCLA coach John Wooden), or know what Jose ate for breakfast (note: Coffee. That is all.) Jose Insider is the place for you. The new site will also offer a rare opportunity for those of you too cheap to buy the KEYS book a chance to learn Jose’s real name. (Note: It’s Jose Luis Melendez Garcia, apparently.) Finally, you will at last get the chance to see Jose in tag team action along with Tao of Manny’s Brian Young. This arrangement will be great for everyone until ratings sag and we need a new story line like Jose super kicking Brian through a plate glass window. Yes, everyone wins. But especially Jose wins.

(Note: In all seriousness, Jose will continue to post complete KEYS in SoSH game threads, and may continue to post teasers on keystothegame.blogspot.com, and he will definitely not super kick anyone through a plate glass window, particularly not a blogger as good as Brian.)

2. The most troubling revelation emerging from recent commentary on the Red Sox 2004 playoff run is that General Manager Theo Epstein got drunk off of vodka tonics following the disastrous Game 3 of the ALCS. Jose is not troubled that he got drunk, we should be happy he wasn’t shooting smack in canvas alley after that game, it’s how he got drunk..

VODKA TONICS!!! Wait…. Deep breath… VODKA TONICS!!!!!!!! That is not cool. Not cool. It makes Jose deeply suspicious and uneasy. First, a vodka tonic is sort of a jocky drink. And not in a good sense. It’s the type of drink you see fellows with white baseball caps drinking at low end dance clubs. Those guys suck. (Note: If you are one of those guys, Jose was not talking about you. Seriously. He was talking about that other guy with the white hat drinking a vodka tonic.)

Theo could be an exception to the rule, but vodka tonic is not a thinking man’s drink. It is neither cheap, like Pabst nor delicious like good whiskey or a Sam Adams. It is an expensive alcohol delivery system. No more… no less. If Theo was just trying to get drunk, Jose would be much happier if he bought a few 40s of OE.

A sabermetrician should never buy a vodka tonic. It’s inefficient. Let’s break it down. Manny Ramirez is 18 year old scotch, overpriced, but excellent. Euro Bellhorn is Old English Malt Liquor, dirt cheap but it gets the job done. Ramiro Mendoza is Mr. Boston Vodka, terrible but largely unnoticeable when camouflaged by a good rotation (or mixer). So what is the baseball equivalent of a vodka tonic? Jason Giambi? Really expensive and bad but not completely useless? Or is B.K. Kim expensive, but not obscenely expensive and really worthless. Either way, Theo’s drink preference is not a point in his favor. (Note: Of course, he won the World Series, so maybe this is quibbling a tiny, tiny bit.)

3. Speaking of B.K. Kim, he gave a rare interview to the Boston Globe’s Chris Snow, yesterday. Kim told the Canadian reggae legend that he believed he was at about 70 percent following an outing in which his fastball peaked at 87 mph. While most sports writers, fans, teammates, groupies and focus groups are focusing on the negative concerning Kim, Jose prefers to focus on the positive. If Kim is throwing 87 mph at 70 percent, when he is 100 percent, by Jose’s calculations, his fastball will top out at 124 mph. And people don’t want this guy on the roster?

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CHANGE.

3/25/05 - Shake, Rattled and Rolled

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. School officials at the Merriam School in Acton, Massachusetts have embarked on a project to convince the Red Sox and Yankees to shake hands prior to their season opening contest.

The project was a response to high tensions between Red Sox fans and Yankees fans at the school during the Red Sox’s seven game triumph last year. Jose thinks this is an interesting way to deal with conflict between children over a sporting contest. But Jose has a better idea… deportation. This happened in MASSACHUSETTS… Yankees fans have infiltrated the schools? They’re trying to turn our own children against everything that is good and decent and American. Jose even has it on good authority that there are dozens, if not hundreds of Yankees fans at the State Department and even in the U.S. Army. Jose says to the principal “Have you no decency, sir? Have you no decency?” It is time for us to drive them into the sea. And no, Jose has not been reading too many books about the Balkans. Well, okay… maybe a few too many books about the Balkans.

George Steinbrenner has already endorsed the plan, as one might expect from a big loser who lost. Loser.

To his credit, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has said that a pre-game handshake “may not be practical.” Adding “I usually do my nails right before the game and they typically aren’t dry until right before the first pitch, so a handshake might mess them up. It just seems really impractical.”

2. In one of the few actual news items from recent days, the Sox traded minor league legend Adam Hyzdu for major league nobody Blaine Neal. But maybe Jose is being too quick to judge the reliever. After all, he can’t be too bad if, after one full year in the majors, he is already the subject of a noteworthy off-Broadway musical “Red, White and Blaine.”

Neal expected to reach the majors earlier in his career, but suffered a serious setback when a big name scout, a Mr. Guffman, failed to show up for the one and only pitching performance of his high school career.

In declaring that he would not play for at least half of 2005 and possibly for the whole season, dope fiend Barry GoldBonds Medicated Slugger told the media “You wanted me to jump off the bridge.'' In related news, the city of San Francisco announced that it is considering waving environmental impact studies and building suicide prevention rails on the Golden Gate Bridge. (Note: Really.)

3. In Jose’s opinion, this is really, really stupid as Bonds finished his statement “I have finally jumped.'' The city of San Francisco would do better to invest its resources in search and rescue.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/22/05 - Battling Dead Arm

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Yikes! Jose has definitely hit the dreaded dead arm period of spring training, when his fastball has no zip, his curveball has no curve and everything he can’t write anything funnier than a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. (Note: That is to say, not funny.) Maybe it’s just that there’s no news, but Jose’s writing feels lethargic. And God knows, writing about the stadium situation is never the cure for lethargy, and yet write about the stadium situation Jose shall.

How could he not write about the stadium situation? The Red Sox announced yesterday that they plan to remain at Fenway Park for the rest of human history. This is a little bit like if the Greeks had announced their plans to hold the 2004 Olympics in the original 1896 Olympic Stadium. It’s a lot cheaper, and a lot easier, but it may not be completely practical.

Of course, the Red Sox are convinced otherwise. They truly see their future in the old yard. This is a stark departure from five years ago, when the Harrington regime insisted that a new stadium was essential to securing the team’s economic future and Jose was a young PR flack doing drips and drabs of work to help tear down baseball’s greatest stadium.

Jose was at the legislative hearing where the Red Sox asked for state aid for a new park. He sat immediately behind Dan Duquette and can confirm that up close, his hair cut looks even worse. Jose spread the gospel that Fenway was architecturally unsound, financially unviable and experientially inadequate. And now, five long years later, he learns that none of it was true. It turns out Fenway is architecturally sound, it is financially viable and it is experientially superior.

That has forced Jose to come to the uncomfortable realization that… get ready… public relations is not about truth!!! Honestly, Jose had no idea. (Note: Of course, he was a PR man, so God only knows if that statement is true.) The next thing you know Jose will hear that the drug companies aren’t charging Americans fair prices, Kentucky Fried Chicken is not a “heart healthy” food and asbestos is not “the miracle fiber that saves lives.” (Note: One of these was a campaign that Jose actually worked on. Can you guess which one?)

2. A number of states have adopted anti-gay marriage laws that explicitly define marriage as the union of “one man and one woman.” You may have read about it; it was in the news. Here’s what Jose wonders: Do these laws invalidate Megatron Lowe’s marriage? After all, they say nothing about the union between woman and machine. In addition would Senator Amidala’s marriage to Anakin Skywalker be valid? He has a robotic arm, so technically, he’s a cyborg.

See? Dead arm.

3. Despite his struggles over the past year and the criticism he recently endured from catcher Doug Mirabelli, not everyone has given up on Korean submariner B.K. Kim. In fact, amidst the piles and piles of Red Sox themed books that were written to capitalize on the team’s championship season there is even one about the troubled reliever. Jose saw it at the bookstore the other day. It’s by Rudyard Kipling.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/17/05 - Baseball Returns to Washington

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

So what if the game today was rained out. The steroid hearings are the real game today anyway.

1. Already, the ongoing Congressional steroid hearings have raised question after question after question. How did Jim Bunning get elected to the Senate? Is Major League Football what they’re calling NFL Europe now? Does Bud Selig have any shame? (Note: No.) And why haven’t some of the most likely targets been required to testify? Where is Giambi? Where is Bonds? Where is Melendez?

The first two were apparently released because they are part of an ongoing federal investigation, but why not Jose Melendez? Presumably the fact that Jose is neither a professional baseball player nor a steroid user has something to do with it, but that is no excuse. Jose would have been a terrific expert witness, as he likes to think of himself as an expert on everything. And if he was able to get a word or two in edgewise, he would have been great on a panel with Curt Euro and Frank Thomas.

Jose even had his testimony all written out

Representatives, Senators, parents, friends and most importantly The Class of
2005, Jose would like to thank for this opportunity to testify on one of the gravest problems facing our country today – deficit spending fueled by unwise, unfair and unnecessary tax cuts for heiresses, robber barons and the idle rich… Wait… What’s that Congressman? This is about steroids? Really? You really think steroids is one of the top issues in this troubled times? More thank the economy? Or Iraq? What about Iraq? Or terrorism? Terrorism is a big problem. Hmmm…Okay… You’re the
Congressman.

Steroids are bad. When Jose was in high school, there was a poster in the nurse’s
office with Jessie Ventura saying so. And he wasn’t even a Governor yet. So Jose is opposed to steroid use in all its forms… with the exception of Flonase, which he absolutely needs to get through the upcoming allergy season. Steroid use is a blight on baseball that fuels a disrespect for the rules, a delegitimization of records and the
general breakdown of American society. It is like crack but not as dangerous and not addictive. If steroid use persists, the future of baseball is bleak. Not Alaskan wilderness bleak, but like 40 degree days in April bleak.

To see how grave the situation is we need look no further than our other national pastime professional wrestling. Today, wrestling is dominated by flamboyant musclemen, lumbering giants and Canadians who hit each other with chairs, sledgehammers and automobiles in mad fits of roid rage. Jose longs for the days before steroids, when wrestling was led by decent, humble men like Gorgeous George.

If steroids are not halted, it won’t be long before each batter comes to the plate with 10 minutes of music and fireworks, a three hour game includes 45 minutes of
backstage interviews and sketches and the MVP is married to Bud Selig’s
daughter. Do not let steroids ruin baseball like they have wrestling.

So in conclusion, where is the nearest bar. It is St. Patrick’s Day and Jose would like
to get drunk.

2. Tony Castrati: Gettin' Self Righteous


What TC says: “Today, our national pastime goes before Congress to answer for all of those needle marks.”

What TC means: Today Congress launches hearings into the seedy world of competitive sewing.

What TC says: “Don't look now, America.”

What TC means: Seriously. Don’t look at me. I’m hideous.

What TC says: “Our worlds are colliding.”

What TC means: This hearing is on the superconducting supercollider. Right?

What TC says: “Reality TV at its finest.”

What TC means: Or are these Congressional hearing into Survivor?

What TC says: “And one can only assume that the senators and representatives will be treated with far more respect than any member of the media.”

What TC means: Which is outrageous. After all, Congress was only elected by… get this… the people. I was appointed by Pat Purcell.

What TC says: Regardless, assuming the likely absence of bombshells during today's testimony, baseball has a credibility problem.”

What TC means: Which is a big problem given the new bankruptcy legislation. Oh…that would be a credit problem. Never mind.

What TC says: Always, without exception, baseball is where we have gone to escape reality.

What TC means: Or drugs… some people use drugs to escape reality.

What TC says: Let this be a lesson to you, Mr. Baseball.

What TC means: I am now talking to a Tom Selleck movie.


3. Johnny Damon missed yesterday’s game with cellulitis, the same ailment that set the stage for Jose’s gusty performance in last year’s World Series. The skin infection, which can be serious, had reached Damon’s lymph nodes, making it a more advanced infection than the one afflicting Jose.

But honestly, Jose was thrilled to hear about Damon’s illness. As Jose knows all too well, cellulitis demands a 10 day course of antibiotics during which one may not consume alcohol. This practically ensures that Damon, who raised a stir last year when he suggested that perhaps he parties a bit too much, will start the season in great shape.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/15/05 -- Red Sox vs. Bravo Network

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. One challenge Jose is going to face in the upcoming season is that he will not be able to depend on the reliable contributions, the yeoman’s work really, of his brother Sam Melendez. Throughout the 2004 season, whenever Jose’s stuff lacked its normal snap, he could count on Sam to give him some juice with a pithy line comparing Megatron Lowe to the Iron Giant or whatnot. This year, Jose will not be able to count on his younger brother for back up. Knowing that he has seen the greatest party Boston will ever have, Sam felt free to go West, to sail the Pacific (note: or at least from Seattle to Alaska) like his great grandfather Iwaishi Melendez before him. Of course, if Sam kills a whale, it will technically be a "crime" and "violation of the treaty on whaling," rather than "part of his job," so instead he will probably spend time doing repair work and waiting on guests. On the plus side, he will probably not be required to go into the head of sperm whales to gather the spermaceti, because unlike his great grandfather, he is not small. Also, let Jose reiterate, Sam will not be killing whales. Greenpeace please do not send letters to Jose or sail the Rainbow Warrior up to his apartment.

So Jose will be forced to turn to his older brother Jack Melendez for assistance. Jack is the older brother that Jose never knew, the older brother who was sent off into the wilderness for failure to comply with Jose’s parents’ fair and reasonable rules. Okay. Technically, Jack did not exist… as best Jose knows. Jose’s father just read somewhere that creating fictional siblings who had disappeared was not a good idea when one has young children who might fear abandonment, so naturally, he assumed that creating a fictional sibling would be hysterical. He was right.

But what is the point? Well, with Sam available only for occasional telephone advice, Jose will be forced to rely on Jack… but it’s a little bit like telling Ramon Martinez that instead of relying on Pedro in the 1999 ALCS he was going to have to rely on his brother Jesus instead, as Jack Melendez, much like Jesus Martinez, does not exist.

2. Now that Jeremy Giambi has come clean about his steroid abuse, we, as Red Sox fans, have to face the facts. Let’s just admit it, the 2003 season was tainted. A juiced up Jeremy was on the 2003 Sox – barely. Had he not been juicing, he probably never would have taken at bats from David Ortiz early in the season, the Red Sox would have had a better start, would have won home field advantage and may well have won a Game 7 played in Fenway Park. That makes the 2003 season tainted. TAINTED! TAINTED! TAINTED! Of course, it’s also been made irrelevant IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! by the 2004 season.

3. All Jose has been able to read about for the last few days is that the Fab Five were headed to Florida to do makeovers on a number of the Red Sox. Jose knows that spring training is boring and too long and reporters are desperate for news, so if they want to cover this non-story that’s fine, but they should still try to get their facts right. Jose has been looking very carefully and he has seen no sign of Chris Weber, Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard or Jimmy King. All he has seen is five gay guys running around. That said, it is possible that the guy in the pink shirt hugging Kevin Millar on the front page of the Herald could be Ray Jackson. After all, no one has seen Jackson since he left Michigan.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/13/05 - Geminis on Parade

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

This week, Jose suffered his first significant setback of the preseason. Not only did he miss a few days, he also learned that Curt Euro does not expect to be ready to start the season opener. Jose has been planning a first rate opening day KEYS since the beginning of spring training and the lead was completely predicated on a Euro vs. Johnson match up. Without Euro, the piece isn’t going to work, which means Jose is two weeks behind where he needs to be. Could Jose go on opening day? Yes, probably, but he doesn’t think that he should go unless he’s 100 percent ready. (Note: Or at least 99.99 repeating percent ready) So will Jose be able to post on opening day? It’s looking sketchy right now. Of course, he could just be building the drama like a certain ace pitcher.

Apparently, Tony Castrati’s new book, which Jose has not and will not read… or translate… details some conflict between Curt Euro’s wife Shonda and Johnny Damon’s then fiancee, now wife, Michelle. Reportedly, Michelle, declined to wear the lucky scarf recommended by Shonda during the post season, greatly upsetting Mrs. Euro, who suggested that Damon’s struggles at the plate were due to his fiancee’s whorishly exposed neck.

While Jose usually frowns on superstition, he is inclined to buy into the idea that the neckwear of wives and girlfriends does affect playoff baseball games. He believes this one superstition because there is actual evidence. According to Jose’s sources, while the Red Sox wives wore lucky scarves, the Yankees wives wore lucky chokers.

3. Currently, the flu is making its rounds through the Red Sox pitching staff, affecting Curt Euro, David Wells and BK Kim, yet the position players have been left largely untouched. The question is why? Jose’s theory is that when a pitcher walks around with a big bag of ice on his shoulder, it lowers his body temperature and leaves him more vulnerable to infection. Alternatively, the pitchers are already passing around the shot glass before games. More alternatively, not even the flu wants to listen to Kevin Millar yap for three days. Even more alternatively, it’s not the flu at all, but SARS… you know… Starter And Reliever Syndrome.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.